A New "Normal"

I have finally settled with the idea that things will never be "normal" in my life again. Yet, I have to say, I AM finding a new "normal". I am not really sure what normal is and probably never belonged in that category to begin with. :-) I am seeing that my life will never be the same as it was before, but I am also seeing that there ARE great things to come, even though some parts of it will never return. As I was rereading the book of Job and reflecting on his life, I was amazed at not only his steadfast faith, but also the way God richly blessed him. He lost SO much, literally everything. Yet, later his life was blessed even more abundantly than before. I think God has so much in store for all of us that we could not even fathom what we are about to encounter. We would probably be too overwhelmed if we really knew what was coming. I would not say that the suffering I have gone through is something I have enjoyed (AT ALL!), but I CAN say that God HAS blessed me in some ways more abundantly than I have ever been blessed before. Part of me wonders if I am just becoming more aware of His blessings and am more ready to receive them than I was before. I wonder how much we miss just because we are not looking for His blessings or even asking. His ways are so much beyond our understanding. I am just in awe that the more I learn about my Lord, the more I realize I really don't know!

"Oh, how great are God's riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways!" Romans 11:33

Today was not quite the day that I had planned. Rich's room was not available when I had planned to visit to clear things out. After finally talking to the teacher with whom Rich had taught some with, I discovered that he had already boxed up most of the things in there. Honestly, this was kind of a relief to me. I had already picked up the personal things (photos, jump drive, letters, cards, etc) at the beginning of the school year last year. A lot of what was left were items that are just things. They are still somewhat hard to go through. Honestly, a few of the boxes went straight into the garage for another day. Part of me just wishes all of his things and his clothes and everything would just disappear. Then, another part of me wants to hold on to all of it. It just overwhelms me...the decisions, the emotions, and the exhaustion I know I will experience after spending time thinking about it all.

I can completely understand why so many people run from their grief and just busy themselves by diving into a job or two. In some ways, it is the easier way to go. But, I think it is also SO important to face it and work through it all. I have tried so hard to grieve in a healthy way and to be honest about my feelings. I am so happy to say that there are now more days that I would call "normal", than days that are just plain miserable. I feel almost guilty when a day goes by and I didn't feel sad over my loss, and yet I know that I don't want to be stuck in my grief! I want this experience to change and mold me as all trials in our walk should refine us. I think that I have a new definition of what grief is, but I also have a new understanding of what God's faithfulness looks like in my life. I would have NEVER survived this without Christ in my life. Even WITH Him, there were days that I thought how easy it would be to just drive off the road or pray that He would just take me too. Thankfully, I was surrounded by so many who cared for me, prayed for and with me, and even cried with me.

Ethan has also been such a reminder of another reason God has placed me on this earth and is continuing to have me here. What joy he brings into my life! I look forward to seeing what God has in store for him as well. I know He must have great plans for His life. He has already instilled such incredible gifts in him and I pray Ethan will use them for God's glory!! He is an interesting mix of both Rich and me. It amazes me how he is developing into not only a mirror image of his daddy, but also carries many of his personality traits and mannerisms. That can only be from God!! He is quite ornery, but in such a humorous way! He already can get himself out of trouble by making me laugh. (Just like his dad!) He is SO independent, and yet so sensitive, caring, and protective towards me. He even growled and flexed his muscles towards the guy who came to take my blood for life insurance. (He was terrible!! He poked me 5 times trying to find a vein!) He started hiding my shoes as a joke at 18 months (like Rich) and using a coaster at 14 months (a little like me ;-) He has a love for music already and sings loudly esp. at the grocery store. He can be SO naughty, but will also put himself in time-out. His favorite things to do right now are play outside, play with cars, trains, or anything with wheels, and yet he also loves to read or sit and work on puzzles. I LOVE spending my days with him, and even though I enjoy a break now and then, I always look forward to having him back by my side! He is my little buddy and what a privilege it is to be given the responsibility of being his mom!!

So, my "normal" may not be the kind of life I dreamed of as a little girl. Marrying the "man of my dreams" only to lose him 7 years later and be left with a child to raise on my own is not exactly the way one pictures it. But, God knew even when I was a little girl that this would be my life. He was preparing me for it at a young age when my daddy taught me to swing my arm out as if I were casting my fishing line and recite, "Cast all your cares on Him, because He cares for you. I Peter 5:7". He knew that when I went through Mrs. Keys' Sunday School class and memorized all of my ABC verses and as many other passages as I could (I was a little competitive) that those words would be hidden in my heart for life! He prepared me with a foundation that was strong enough to hold me up even when the floods came and wanted to wash my house down. I was not strong enough on my own, but HE was and STILL is!! I am not saying that I have not had my questions or even asked, "Why God?" or "Do you really think I can handle this?!" In all of my hurt, I have had a lot of questions and fears, but I have never once doubted that God was still there and I know He still cares for me.