Breakfast Song...

I don't know if I have shared about this or not. Considering I have been blogging now about my experiences for a couple years and don't really take time to go back and read what I wrote, this may be some repeat info. But, had to write it down so that I can be sure to have the memories recorded.

Shortly after Rich died, my father gave me a CD of the songs I had chosen to be played at the Memorial services. It is all kind of a blur, but I remember sitting down with Ed Sanderson and my father (on separate occasions) to go over music for the memorial services. I was so overwhelmed by all of the decisions that had to be made in such a short time and was still trying to soak in the fact that my best friend, my husband, the father of my baby was really dead and not coming home. Rich was such a talented musician and absolutely loved music. There was rarely a quiet moment in our house between songs from our iTunes to the radio to him strumming away on the guitar. To be honest, that is one of the things I miss most to this day. Having him come home from work and pick up his guitar and just start playing while I made dinner. It was his way of unwinding from the day and such a pick-me-up for me. It gave him time to come home and have "quiet" time without me bombarding him with words that I needed to use up to get in my daily allowance. :-) Yet, I felt so close to him without even talking and he would often ask me to sing while he played. Oh how I loved that! But, anyway, I was remembering being a bit overwhelmed by the thought of picking the "perfect" songs for the service because I knew there were just SO many that Rich had loved. But, thankfully, God cleared my head and helped me remember some that Rich had specifically mentioned were favorites and even had often enjoyed singing with me and his siblings. One in particular was "There's a Stirring" by Annie Hearing, I believe, but we always sang the Caedmon's Call arrangement. This song was performed at the services by a group of guys, many of whom Rich had been involved in their lives. It was really well done. Other songs that Rich had even mentioned that he would someday want played at his funeral were "It is Well" and I specifically remembered that the first time he heard "Blessed Be Your Name" how much he had loved this song. Every time after we would sing it at church he would have a comment about how much he liked that song and how he wanted it to be true of his life. So, that one immediately stuck out in my head as one we should sing. To this day, every time I hear it, I am encouraged to remember that God's ways are perfect and how we should sing praise to Him in the good and the bad times.

One of the hardest parts of readjusting to life without Rich has been missing his presence. For those people that knew him well, they know that he was such a fun person to be around. He was such an encourager! I tried to not find my significance in Him, but since he has been gone, it has been a real struggle to not hear "I love you" every day and wake up to "Good morning, beautiful!" and have someone there to say goodnight to and pray with, and the list goes on and on. I often use music as a filler in my life to fill the silence. For those of you who know me well, I also am quite the talker and enjoy a good conversation pretty much at all or any time of day or night. :-) So, let's just say, as a result, my child has learned to be quite verbal from a very young age. I would continue to have conversations each morning with my 14 month old talking about the plans for our day just as I would have had with Rich. Now, at the age of three, I often hear my son saying to me or others, "So, how was your day?!" or just about anything to start a conversation. I have also been greatly blessed that he has a carbon image of his daddy's heart. He often tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. I think that God uses him in my life to sometimes even speak directly to me. I am truly blessed to have a son with such a sweet and sensitive heart.

One of the times of day that was most difficult was breakfast time. It was the start of our day and even though I had usually already been awake for a bit and usually already had one round of tears and time on my knees with God by then, I felt like I had to be strong because Ethan was with me with a big smile on his face ready to do one of his favorite things...eat! :-) I knew that it would be hard to not have Rich there day after day seeing him off to work and watching him reluctantly leave his new son whom he loved SOOO much! I remember feeling overwhelmed as I would look at this baby in front of me and think I have to raise this little thing to become a man. What do I even know about men?! I remember practically having a panic attack one morning because I realized that even though I liked to watch basketball, I really didn't know the rules or understand enough to explain it all to Ethan. (football I was ok, but not basketball!) I know it seems crazy, but grief will put you over the edge about silly little things. I just felt so overwhelmed by how I was going to do this on my own. (Side note: Since then, I have not only learned a lot more about basketball :-) but I also have seen God graciously pour into our lives and show me that I am NOT really raising Ethan alone at all!) Anyway, I decided that I must fill our morning silence and began turning on the radio each morning as soon as I stepped into the kitchen.

I would always tune into K-Love because they were supposed to be "encouraging, more music, KLove!" Now, I DO love this station, but have always had a bit of complaint about the ridiculous repetition on songs they play. However, in this case, it was used in our favor. Almost every morning at the time we would sit down for breakfast, "Blessed Be Your Name" would come on. I would often sing along and thank God for the reminder that He truly had not changed and that I could continue to bless His name for who He was and trust that He would take care of us and that He WAS worthy of praise. Ethan learned this song at a very young age because he heard it SO often. In fact, as soon as he was verbal enough, HE started calling it our breakfast song. We were just driving along in the car and it came on and he said, "Hey! That's our breakfast song!" (This was almost a year later) And, in fact, just yesterday...it came on the radio and he said, "They still play our breakfast song!" He also loves it and starts singing along as loud as he can. So, in our house, "Blessed Be Your Name" will always be our "Breakfast Song" just like Ethan so perfectly titled it. It will always be a great reminder to us that we can continue to pour out our praise in the good and bad and that even though our circumstances may change, God NEVER does!

BLESSED BE YOUR NAME

Job 1:20-22
20 Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshiped, 21 And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. 22 In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly.

God's little reminders...

I'm SO happy we are finally on our way out of a very long winter. I am one of those people that is hugely affected by the amount of vitamin D in my life and has a great need for fresh air! Overall, this winter has been pretty good because at least we got a lot of snow which allowed for lots of outdoor play with distraction from the miserable cold! :-) Thanks to my gym membership I have been able to keep up with releasing the endorphins which also contributes to putting a smile of my face! But, most of all, I have SEEN and felt God work in ways in my life that have been so healing. I have new struggles, some I never thought I would face, but I can also see God using those to mold and shape me and teach me that life is NOT about me and that I am NOT as strong as I may think I am and that I can NOT do this thing called life alone! I must seek Him first and others for accountability and encouragement. Oh to ask for help...ugh! My all-time least favorite thing to do, but am also learning to put my pride aside from time to time and have been SO blessed by the response of my family and dear friends who seem to actually enjoy helping me! ;-) Love how God has surrounded me with people that I look forward to spending eternity with someday!!

Yet, there ARE still times when I am so caught off-guard by how the pain of my loss, my partner, and a real piece of me is SO great and still such a thorn in my side. As I sat at church on Sunday, I listened to our guest speaker talk about Holy Homes and the importance of the roll of a father/husband and I found myself actually getting up to leave as the tears started to fill my eyes. The last thing I wanted to do was start crying right there in church when here I am approaching the 3rd summer anniversary. Three years and I am STILL a mess. What would everyone think?! I know I shouldn't care what everyone else thinks, but it made me think that I must be doing something wrong. Am I just not trusting God enough?! I so want to move forward with my life. I WANT to be married again. There I said it. I have even started praying for God to bring someone into my (our) life. But I am faced with so many doubts. Who would want to marry a widow? I am beginning to make friends with so many new amazing beautiful young single women. Why would someone choose a widow AND someone who has a child (more responsibility) when you could start your life "fresh". I know these are lies, but they are played over and over in my head. So, then I go to the other extreme and just say, "I want to be single for the rest of my life!" Oh the battle of learning to be content RIGHT where God has me here and now! And, honestly, I still miss Rich. Just writing those words bring tears to my eyes. How can one person really deserve to be loved so well TWICE in this lifetime? I miss feeling like we have a "complete" family unit. I have a love/hate relationship with FB because I can hardly look at people's pictures anymore. It just makes me long for something I don't have. I would say I am basically content on a day to day basis until some marriage conference or family event rolls around and smacks me in the face with a big reminder that I don't belong in that category anymore.

Sooooo...what I am saying is that although I HAVE seen God do so so so SO much in my life and has brought (and will continue to bring me!) so far, I do still have a few struggles that I must turn over to Him again and again. I don't want to be consumed by these thoughts. I want to be consumed with Him! "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail." ~Lamentations 3:22

Today as I went for a run (OUTSIDE!!) I put on my iPod and tuned into all of the great worship songs that would fill my mind with truth. As I finished and was stretching, I was just telling God how much I needed Him to remind me that He loved me and that I was not alone in this journey. As I leaned over to stretch, there under the picnic table was a rock shaped just like a heart! I know this probably sounds cheesy, but it was JUST what I needed and I don't think it was any coincidence at all! Then I just continued to have Psalm 18 go through my mind over and over again. I love all of the Psalms, but had no idea at this moment what Psalm 18 even said! So, I went home and read it and was SO encouraged by what I read....
First of all, in my Bible this chapter was titled in bold writing "The Lord is my Rock and my Fortress" I couldn't help but smile as I knew I was about to read some great truth! I got pretty excited and went to get a pen to take some notes! I knew this was going to be good! :-)

If you haven't read it, I recommend it! It begins with David praising God and expressing His love for our Lord! As I researched this part a bit, I discovered that the word for love David uses in this passage means to "yearn for"...a very deep emotional and spiritual connection he is experiencing with God. In fact, the literal Hebrew translation means "to fondle" which implies he is wrapping his arms around God. Giving Him a big hug! I long for that kind of love with God one that I can confidently say I have my arms and heart wrapped around Him and He is hugging me right back! He continues with saying God is "MY rock, MY fortress, MY deliverer, MY God, MY rock, (in whom I take refuge), MY shield, the horn of MY salvation, MY stronghold" God is definitely serving as a helper and a HUGE part of his life! God is the place we must turn for strength and protection for every trial and decision of our lives!! It continues describing God's deliverance in times of trouble! Then David continues to tell why God chooses to deliver...because he delights in us and because he rewards righteousness. The verse from Zephaniah 3:17 popped into my head right away as I read this...
"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
AND, He chose to deliver David because he kept the ways of the Lord...this encouraged my heart to stay true to Him and to just keep on keeping on. :-) Each day is such a blessing to be live for HIM...just sometimes need that reminder!



Oh How He Loves Us!!