Carrying on...

I am beginning to notice that time is starting to fly by again as it once did before in my life. There was a time when the onset of grief began that I wondered how I would ever make it to the next hour, let alone the next day. I suppose I should be thrilled that my life is returning to routine and filled with busy day-to-day activities, work, and play. On one hand, I AM so thankful that I can function this way again without grief consuming my every thought and moment. Yet, there is a part of me that feels almost sad or guilty to let it go. I never wanted grief to become my identity and I fought so hard against that, but there is a part of it that has forever changed me. I hope that it has softened me, made me more aware of others' needs and losses. I hope that God will continue to use my loss in my life to shape me and mold me into His perfect plan for my life. My prayer is that my suffering and tragedy in my life will forever keep me wholly dependent on my Lord. It is so easy to fall back into my self-sufficient ways, and yet, I know that without Him being a part of my every thought and action, I am nothing.

Just as my son is a thinker, I also find myself thinking. In fact, I sometimes wish I could stop thinking. I remember talking to Rich one time about what goes through his mind and the different ways that men and women think about things. He tended to pull out one drawer at a time and think about it and then shut that drawer and move on to another idea. Whereas I usually have at least three or four drawers open at a time thinking about several things and never being able to have a moment where the ideas are ever completely put away. I was completely dumbfounded at the idea that there were times that my husband could really be not thinking about anything at all. My mind is ALWAYS going and at times it can just be exhausting. Lately, I often find myself thinking about the future. I have often taken to heart the verse from II Cor. 10:5 about taking every thought captive. It seems like in every season of my life I have had something that seems to consume my thoughts. I find myself often struggling with worries about my future that I had in my early twenties. It is so strange to feel as if I have lived life and yet I am being transported back to that season of my life. Now I have a lot of life experiences such as college, marriage, career, parenting that I have already experienced and yet I am in some ways starting over. I am contemplating going back to college, possibly getting married again someday, having a new career, and yet all while still being a parent and so desperately missing what seemed to already be my "dream life". I find myself constantly struggling with the question of "what now?"

Yet, in some ways, God has made it SO very clear that I am to continue to embrace this season of my life. He has somehow miraculously provided a way for me to continue to be home with my precious son and invest in his life as well as take the time to learn, read, and grow in my knowledge of who HE is. What an incredible blessing it is to have this time. I pray that I do not waste a moment of it, but use it wisely to prepare for what could possibly be harder seasons ahead in my life. Learning to be content in every and all circumstances is still a daily battle, but there are definitely days that I am able to give that up to Him so much easier than others.

Ethan continues to make passing comments about daddy, but his emotions have lessened and the shock of hearing it has lessened for me as well. I do feel bad for every male friend I have in my life because he often brings it up first thing when he meets someone new. For example, the other day he met a friend of mine and I introduced them. Immediately Ethan said, "My daddy is not here anymore." My heart sank as I thought how hard it must be for Ethan to just not understand why all of these other kids seem to have a daddy and he does not. Thankfully, my friend (though a bit shocked) was quick to respond, "I know and I'm sorry, but it will be okay." as he immediately picked him up. Most of my friends are very sensitive to him about it all and, once again, I feel so blessed that God has surrounded me with Godly men that will be such a good example to Ethan as he grows.

As another Christmas passed, I was surprised how much easier it was to actually enjoy the Christmas season this year. The things that would have brought me to tears last year, often caused me to just sigh and even smile as I remembered special memories that I shared with my sweetheart. Some of the traditions I decided to carry on with family and even some with new friends. I also decided to begin some new ones and was surprised how much fun I really had this past month. One thing I had to let go, for now, was the Christmas letter. This was always something that Rich did and though I did it last year, I just knew it would take too much out of me emotionally. I planned to go ahead and send my update and pictures around Valentine's Day instead which removed some of the stress of time crunch and budgeting for it as well! Ethan and I enjoyed Christmas with my extended family here in Topeka and then took off for Texas Christmas day to enjoy five days in TX with the Heyroths. It was a very fun time and I was thankful that we were all able to be together. In the past I have come away from our time together and really struggled with almost a bout of depression each time. I was very thankful that this time I came home feeling refreshed and thankful for God's continual healing of my heart.

I was also, once again, overwhelmed at the incredible generosity and thoughtfulness of my dear, precious friends! I was basically showered with cards of encouragement and notes that people were praying for me this Christmas. Again, many people enclosed gift cards from Sonic to Starbucks and even the Christian bookstore. Another card was from a group of friends who are taking care of installing a new garage door. Being one that is not so good at accepting things or help from others, let's just say this past year and a half have been INCREDIBLY humbling! I have learned so much about what it means to be an encourager through these people in my life. I have learned what it means to give without expecting anything in return and what it truly means to be a part of the body of Christ. I feel like they are truly my family! I still get tears in my eyes as I think about how well I have been loved and cared for through it all. Though I could never repay everyone for what they have done for me, I know they will be richly rewarded someday and I can't wait to see them lay their crowns at Jesus' feet!

As I think about entering into a New year, my prayer is that I will continue to learn what it means to have "Perfect Trust" in my God. I read this just today, "True contentment is simply a matter of trust--trusting God despite our situation, and accepting and finding satisfaction in whatever He gives us." and I would take that one step further and just say finding satisfaction in just knowing Him and being perfectly loved by Him. He truly has a way (though I don't really understand it) of meeting all of my needs and doing it so much better than I could ever even if I tried! He alone is worthy of our worship and praise.

The journey continues...

It is hard to know where to start after being away from blogging for SO long. I stepped away for multiple reasons...mostly I just found myself caught up in the busyness of life and didn't feel I had the energy to catch up on one more thing. It was almost overwhelming to know where to begin as God continued to show and teach me things daily in my life. Yet, I also want so desperately for Ethan to see the progress and the way that God continues to work in our lives each step of the way. The other reason was that I had a bit of a "freak out" moment about sharing my heart so openly with the world. It can be hard to be vulnerable with others and yet God has continued to bring me back to verses about the importance of Christian fellowship and sharing your burdens and encouraging one another. Selfishly, I know people are praying for me and that God has used this blog to help others to know how to specifically pray for me and Ethan and, as much as my prideful self wants to do it on my own, I NEED others in my life to help me along the way! So, here I am again! :-)

Where do I begin?! This past month has been full of ups and downs. As I approach a second holiday season without Rich here by my side, I see that I am so much stronger in some ways, and yet, I have a new hurt that eats away at my heart daily as I go to battle against Satan's lies. I am experiencing so much joy in enjoying this season through the eyes of my two and a half year old. It is hard to not enjoy every moment when he is SO excited about every detail. As he looks around with his eyes wide and says, "Christmas everywhere!" it just makes me smile. He is also very excited about making a strawberry birthday cake for Jesus and was asking every day if it was Christmas yet. We made some advent rings and this has helped with containing a few of the never-ending questions. :-) Every day I still feel SO thankful that God blessed me with a child and that I have him by my side to go through this journey together. Most days, he teaches me probably more than I teach him. It is a blessing how God uses children in your life to strip you of your selfish ways and to teach one how to serve. Yet, along with his new love for questions comes so many hard ones to answer...

Lately he has been very obsessed with daddy. It just breaks my heart as he sees other kids with their daddy and then says, "I want a new daddy." The first time he said this, I just stood there with nothing to say until finally God prompted me to remind him that he DOES have a daddy--God--and that He is looking out for him and loves him very much. I am not sure how much that makes sense or if it is too abstract for his mind, but it IS truth and that is all I can give him at this point. He still will often talk about his daddy dying and going to heaven, but lately it has been more of a desire to just want one here and now. It hurts every time he brings it up, but I try to stay positive. He definitely has a need for men in his life. I am very thankful that he does have Godly men that can be around. He is quick to want to imitate their every move and I can see the importance of always choosing wisely whom I do let him spend time with because even at just two and a half, he is very easily influenced by the actions of those men in his life. He still loves his mommy, but that has also become a bit of an issue as he has begun to bring up the fact that his mommy may go to heaven too. Sometimes I wish he wasn't such a thinker. One day he was just sitting there with his hand on his chin and I asked him what he was doing. He said, "I'm thinking." I asked him what he was thinking about and he said, "how much I love my mommy" It was SO sweet! He really is a gift from God! :-)

This past month has been filled with moments like these as I learn how to process grief through the mind of a toddler. It has brought back to the surface some of my own feelings and questions that I thought I had already given up to God and laid at His feet. As Christmas approaches, I very much miss my family unit! I feel a very deep onset of loneliness that can not be filled with time with others, but only by my heavenly Father. As the cards with family pictures arrive, I struggle with wanting so much to have joy for my friends and their growing families. I find myself longing to want to expand my own family, and yet missing a very important person to make that happen. I found myself crying my way through adoption Sunday a couple of weeks ago as I looked at those kids and thought how desperately I would love to give them a home, but knowing I didn't have a complete family unit as it was. I remind myself that God IS faithful and that we may experience that again in our lives, but praying for complete contentment in the moment and where He has us now. There are days that I am SO thankful for where we are at and how FAR God has brought us. I also think sometimes that it would just be too complicated to add that other person in our lives. We are doing quite fine on our own (with the grace of God!).

I have to constantly fill my mind with truth or I am attacked with lies with Satan about my future. I also have learned that I must live day to day and though I have a rough draft written out for how I think my future may go, I realize that God is the editor and may take it in a completely different direction! For now, I am learning what it truly means to let God be my husband and a father to my son. When I let Him, He really DOES meet all of my needs. When I choose to trust Him completely and pour my heart out to Him, He fills my heart back up and allows me to see that ultimately He is the ONLY one that can meet my every need and that He is not going anywhere. I have a new theme verse for my life as I fight against the distractions of this world...my ultimate purpose is to know Him!!

"For my determined purpose is that I may know Him, that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly." Phil 3:10 (AV)

So, as I face another holiday season, my prayer is that I will let HIM fill my heart with joy and not try to use other people or things or events or parties to take His place. He is more than Enough to satisfy me!!

Enough
by Chris Tomlin

The Battle is NOT over, but I know who ultimately wins!

This past week has been a really really rough week. I have felt so attacked spiritually and have struggled with a lot of security issues and finding my confidence in Christ. "For the Lord will be your confidence, and will keep your foot from being caught." (Proverbs 3:26)

Ethan has continued to pursue the daily daddy questions. It is emotionally draining to go down that road again and again. Yet, it is also so right on with his age and development. Most two year olds are very curious and often ask the same question over and over again. They are such sponges at this age (one of the reasons it is one of my favorite ages). Yet, he just has a few different issues he is curious about and is too young to really understand the abstract. I try to keep the answers short and simple and just remind him often how MUCH God loves him. He was Curious George for Halloween (Actually he was just a monkey, but decided half way through the night that he was that specific monkey!) This is very appropriate for him and I have to laugh a bit when he starts to ask so many questions. I tell him he is SO curious and he quickly responds with, "I'm Curious Ethan, the monkey, mommy!"

We have had a few "shell-shocked" moments as I have started to label them in my own head. For example, we will be driving along and talking about the pretty leaves God made for us today. Then, all of a sudden, he will say, "My daddy went to heaven". I just sit there and have to gather my thoughts again. Often he has moved onto another subject before I have time to respond. But, sometimes he really wants to talk about it. The other day, he mentioned it again and I asked him how that made him feel. He said that he was happy because daddy was happy. That made my heart happy as well. Other days he is not so happy about it. I am trying hard to know when it is okay to talk about it, and when I need to make sure he is not using it or obsessing about it. For example, last Sunday he did NOT want to go to church because Daddy was not going to church. He threw a complete tantrum at the door yelling, "Daddy no go church...Ethan no church!" It was a rough morning and I felt more lonely that morning at church than I had in a long time. It didn't help that I had it so much on my mind. But then, I also hate being late. First there is the struggle of finding a place to park. Then, there is the battle of walking in to a service that has already started and trying to find a place to sit. Thankfully, my friend, Brande, was quick to offer me a seat with her family. God knew that I needed that as I was fighting the urge to start feeling sorry for myself when I walked into a church I have gone to my whole life and yet still felt so alone. Then, instead of searching for that right Sunday School class this week, I was on schedule to volunteer in the nursery. I actually looked forward to this and enjoyed reading to, playing with, and holding those precious little ones. After church, as the temptation set in, once again, to go face a lonely Sunday afternoon, my friends Susan and Michelle were quick to invite me to lunch. How can I question my God when he continues to meet all of my needs? With both of their husbands working for the weekend, they knew the struggle of doing it all and the weariness that can set in so quickly when you have to face one more mealtime and bed and bath routine all on your own. God reminded me again and again on Sunday that I am NOT alone and that, not only is HE there for me, but He surrounds me with others that are there for me as well. "He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength." (Isaiah 40:29)

As the week continued on, the daddy talk has become less. Yet, as I prepare for the weekend and the upcoming Tuesday when I am to share my story, my heart still fights the urge to become anxious. I Peter 5:7 keeps playing over and over in my head---"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you!" So I keep giving it back to Him again and again and again.

This weekend, I am going to a Singles' Retreat. Just the title of it all makes me cringe a bit. I don't know why I said I would go. I am not one that really likes to get myself into things when I don't know what to expect. Let's just say that I am a bit of a planner. I like to plan ahead and know what is coming. I used to joke with Rich that I enjoyed "planned spontaneity". I have learned SO much over the past year about letting go of control of my life and trusting God with the daily battles, and yet I still have the natural tendency to want to "feel" in control even though ultimately, I would MUCH rather trust God with my life than myself! Anyway, I originally signed up for the weekend thinking it would be a great opportunity to enjoy some adult time with other believers. AND, I realize that there is a new need in my life now, even more so than when I was married, to build friendships with other singles. It doesn't really work so well to always be the third wheel and I miss hanging out with groups of people and going to social events that are just couples only is not really an option anymore. So, onto learning a "new normal".

The other upcoming event that could really use some prayer is Expresso. This is a time when women at our church gather and share their personal stories of different ways God has worked in their lives. It is really great and encouraging to see how God continues to work in such individual and unique ways to meet us all right where we are at and take care of our needs. I am on the schedule to speak next Tuesday. I am looking forward to it and also really nervous about it at the same time. I just know that the enemy is trying to get a hold of me in this area and make me fearful of speaking in front of others as well as distract me and cause other things to get in the way of my planning. I so desperately want it to be all about God and not me. My prayer is that He will just shine through my testimony and that others will be encouraged by how BIG of a God we serve and to see that He truly cares about our every need! It is quite amazing really. I am just so in love with Him and so humbled by the way that He has held me so close even when I have been tempted to just run away from it all. I remember at one time thinking I would like to just move away where no one knew me and all about my circumstances and to "start over" with my life. Yet, without the people He has surrounded me with here, I am not sure I would have ever made it. He continues to bless me and encourage me with friendships. Just today I received flowers from a dear friend, to "brighten my day". It was almost like God was saying again, "You are loved!" :-)

So, yes, there will always be a battle going on in our lives. Yet, we can be confident to know how it is going to end! We are all going to face our own personal battles daily, but we are not alone. Thank you, Lord, for watching our every step. My flesh and my heart may fail, but YOU are the strength of my heart and my portion forever! (Pslam 73:26)

"For You are my lamp, O Lord; the Lord shall enlighten my darkness. For by You I can run against a troop; by my God I can leap over a wall. As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him." (2 Samuel 22:29)

"It is God who arms me with strength, and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of deer, and sets me on high places. He teaches my hands to make war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze ... I have pursued my enemies and overtaken them; neither did I turn back again till they were destroyed. I have wounded them, so that they were not able to rise; they have fallen under my feet. For You have armed me with strength for the battle; You have subdued under me those who rose up against me." (Psalm 18:32,37)

Ultimately, I am just AMAZED how patient God is with me to keep hanging on to me as I feel like I am relearning the same lesson over and over again. "Keep trusting me, my child." I often hear as I read His Word. Thank you, Lord, for never letting me go!

God has used music to very effectively reach my heart. This is one song that may be an older one, but the words still are SO true as I go to bed tonight in awe of His grace. It DOES still amaze me!

Your Grace Still Amazes Me
By Phillips, Craig, & Dean

Living without Daddy

As I begin this post, I am still sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I knew this day would come, but I didn't think so soon and I was hoping it wouldn't hurt SO badly. As a mother, there is nothing worse than seeing your child hurt and not being able to take away that pain. This has been a week of developing questions through the eyes of a two year old. One may think, how much can he really understand? Well, it appears more than I could ever imagine and in some ways, more than I could ever hope for.

Our bedtime routine usually consists of reading (a book of choice and a story from the Toddler Bible or other Bible story). We then pray together. I let Ethan choose some special person to pray for and then we pray for that person(s). This is usually a family member or a friend we just saw that day. Sometimes he also wants to pray for Bob or Larry (Veggie Tales). Lately, he has been becoming a bit of a pro at delaying the last tuck in and kiss goodnight. I have to admit, I am kind of a sucker for a sweet one-on-one conversation and so will often let him talk a bit about the day and we often talk about what we have to look forward to the next day.

Well, this week, he has been bringing up Daddy more and more. It started out with a sweet "I love my Mommy and I love my Daddy." one night. I just kind of let it go thinking that was sweet. The next night he said it again and followed it with, "Daddy go home." I wasn't sure if this was a question or a statement, so I said, "Yes...daddy went home.." and before I could finish he interrupted with, "to Jesus home" I was happy to see that he did not seem upset by it, but was stating what he understood. A few tears started to form in my eyes. I thought I would hold it together better, but I couldn't. I was partly sad because it made me miss his daddy and all he was missing out on by not having him here. Partly, they were tears of joy that my sweet boy knew that Jesus was with Daddy. He was immediately concerned that I was crying (so tenderhearted!) and so I tried to tell him I was just sad because I missed daddy, not because of anything he did. Then, he started to ask if daddy would come to mommy's house. I said that he couldn't because he was really hurt and so Jesus took him home to live with Him and that he was all better now and we could see him again someday. Not really sure if that was what I had been counseled to say, but in the moment, you just have to speak when a two year old is demanding answers. Well, the daddy talk has continued all week. Tonight, at supper, he was even making a "family" out of his grapes..."Daddy, Mommy, and Ethan" lining them all up with the little one being him, of course. :-) Then, tonight, I really lost it. As I was putting him to bed, he just said we had to pray for daddy to come to mommy's house. He stood up on his bed trying to reach the picture of his daddy and started yelling, "Daddy, Mommy and Ethan's house, NOW!" I tried so hard to not cry again, but how can you just watch your child wanting so badly for something you yourself want for them as well and not cry. He did not see me cry, but began literally sobbing himself as he continued to yell. I then, also, began to sob like a baby as I just held him and rocked him. He fell asleep tonight just crying in my arms. I don't even know how much he truly understands, but I do know he is experiencing some true emotions about it all. He is starting to notice that other kids have daddys and often talks about their daddys. I keep thinking, "He is only two and a half, how much can he really wrap his mind around?"

Yet, even in the midst of all of the pain, his little two-year old brain, understands one thing. It was almost as if God were reminding me tonight through Ethan's words (from earlier this week)...He said, "God loves daddy... loves Ethan and mommy too" Again I am reminded at what an amazing God we serve that He can reach even the heart of a two year old with his love.

I had to quickly turn my mind to His word and what His love is all about, because for a moment, I was feeling so unloved, so angry that God would allow this to happen to a sweet innocent boy. For me to lose my husband is terrible, heartbreaking, and so lonely at times, BUT for Ethan to lose his daddy just seems devastating and so unfair!! After I laid him down in his bed, I just laid my head down on his bed beside him with my hand on his heart and prayed for him. I knew it would be so tempting to just run away and even go cry myself to sleep, but instead, I decided I must face this God that had allowed this to happen. I MUST trust Him and remember that He is big enough to handle even this situation. I knew that He would not allow this to happen without a bigger purpose. I just prayed that He would make Ethan's heart so soft to His love and that Ethan would grow up with an amazing trust in God that even his mommy could not understand. I prayed that God would make him a man after His own heart and that he would not stray from Him, but that he would look to Him for all of his needs. I prayed that God would step it up in Ethan's life :-) and fill that void and just love Him in a way that would be more than enough to meet his needs. I also prayed that I would have the words to say and the emotional strength to go back through this all again. I have been told that when a child loses a parent, there are so many stages of grief that will just keep reappearing throughout life. I want to just take it all away for him. I know that, only with God's strength, are we going to get through this together!

After I left Ethan's room, I began to read. I was reminded that our human love has so many limitations. I am not perfect and so my love is not perfect for Ethan. But, God IS! "How completely satisfying to turn from our limitations to a God who has none."
~A.W. Tozer
The vastness of his love means that I can always count on his love. Humans will fail us even in their greatest attempts to love, but God never will! In fact, my mind isn't great enough to even grasp the fullness of God's love for me and my son. God loves me far more than I will ever know.

As I was taking some time to look for truth on God's love for me, these are a couple of verses I found that encouraged me. Even though there are still so many questions in my head and my future is still so unclear at times, I pray these verses will be true in my life. I know that God did not guarantee this life on earth would be easy, so I pray that even through the tough times, I would be faithful to glorify His name!

Psalm 86: 12-13
I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

Hosea 11:8
How can I abandon you? My heart will not let me do it! My love for you is too strong.
(Good News translation)

Jeremiah 31:3
I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.

Discovering Who I Am

This has been a week where I have been able to step back and really analyze a bit who I was before grief, who I am after grief, and who I am still becoming. When tragedy hits ones life, esp. so suddenly, it completely consumes you for a bit. As I look back over the past 14 months, there are moments that I can't even remember because I was in such a state of shock or times that I just didn't even allow myself to feel because it just hurt too badly. There are still times, even though I think I have come so far, I feel like someone just socked me in the stomach. For example, on Thursday, I had to drive over the Topeka Blvd. bridge to get to a friend's house. It is actually a very pretty bridge and I tried to point that out to Ethan as we crossed. He noticed the clock and all of the lights and was very excited to go over a bridge. (He is really into building any kind of bridge, tunnel, or road these days!) Yet, as we drove over it, my mind was just flooded (yet again) with terrible memories and I actually felt nauseated for a moment as I stepped on the gas pedal to just get over it a bit more quickly. After I crossed, I wondered for a moment if I would ever be able to let those thoughts and images go, or if they would haunt me for my lifetime. Thankfully, I was quickly distracted by the incredibly cheap gas prices as I reached the other side. :-)
Another milestone we hit this week, was Ethan turning 29 months. We continued on with daddy's tradition to do something special to celebrate every month that we had Ethan in our lives. In the past months, I have done everything from buying a new Hot Wheel car to a trip to a new and special park. Well, this month was a little more of a celebration for us both. I was also excited about how far God had brought us. I realized that Rich had now been out of Ethan's life one month longer than he had ever been a part of it. Though this made me a bit sad, I was also so thankful that He had brought us this far and continuing to shower us with grace and mercy. This past month, I have started to feel a bit like I am able to just be me again. It has been nice to feel like I am starting to laugh almost daily again. I also feel like I have my energy back and have enjoyed waking up feeling refreshed and excited to start a new day, instead of dreading it and just praying for God to get me through it. I am enjoying more social time with friends and family again and learning how to do that without being overwhelmed at the idea of having a child and the full responsibility of having him in my care 24/7. And, though it is still a bit of a struggle, I am learning to reach out and ask for help from time to time. So, I decided this month called for a bit bigger celebration. I told Ethan he was 29 months and that Mommy wanted to celebrate with him the special time we have had together. The conversation went something like this...

Me- Happy 29 months, Ethan!
Ethan- (giggle)
Me- What do you want to do to celebrate?
Ethan-- Hmmm..Go to restaurant?
Me-- Wow! (kind of surprised, but curious) What restaurant?
Ethan-- Red Robin! :-)
Me-- Okay! (This is so funny b/c we have only been there one time quite a long time ago. It must have made an impression on him!)

So, we called up a couple of my spontaneous friends and headed off to Red Robin. To make the evening even more exciting, it just happen to be kids' night at Red Robin on Monday nights. (Who would have known?) So, he got to meet Red Robin, in costume, and loved it. He also got to have an amazing balloon lady make him a HUGE monkey and he got a free milkshake to top it all off. It was a fun night and good for us both to just get out and enjoy some time together and with friends we love.


I have also been thinking a lot about who I was before it all happened. Though my identity, thankfully, was not wrapped up completely in being Rich's wife, that was a big part of who I was. I loved being a wife. There is something very fulfilling in being someone's helpmate. I wanted to be there to support, love, and cherish this man for the rest of my life. I enjoyed leaving him silly notes on the mirror and surprising him at work with lunch and making him cheesy cards and gifts. Honestly, I didn't always love cleaning up after him, but I miss it now. And, I loved being so loved. Rich was SO good at making me feel special. He used to say that he was put on this earth to serve his King (God) and his queen (me). He would probably hate that I am sharing all of the romantic things he used to do, but I want Ethan to know what kind of a man his daddy was and I am so afraid that I may forget them as time goes on. He did, often, treat me like a queen...pampering me so much. I remember that he used to say that he couldn't wait until we had kids. He talked about how he would take them away on Sat. mornings and let that be the day that I could just sleep in or have time to myself to do whatever. Realistically, I knew that could not really happen every Saturday morning, but I know he probably would have tried. On these cold nights, I am reminded of how he would cuddle with me in bed and tell me to put my cold feet under his leg to warm them up. He was always wanting to take care of me and protect me and provide me with anything I needed or wanted. In fact, he was so bad about this, I honestly had to be careful to never say I wanted something, because he would work all the harder just to try and make sure I could have it. He used to spend hours on things just to surprise me for a moment. I'll never forget the surprise party he threw for my 30th birthday. He had a whole list made up for our babysitter (thanks, Kara!) of what things went into which bowls or certain platters, knowing that if I were to host a party I would want to use certain dishes. It was far from how I would have presented it, but because it was presented with so much love, I could not help but think it was the best! It is really hard to go from being someone's wife to suddenly single. I still find myself wanting to pray for him because I so enjoyed doing that. I am starting to think sometimes that I would love to be married again. Yet, I just don't know if I would be ready for this and not sure how to do it again without comparing. I do truly miss the companionship. There have been moments that I have experienced such intense times of loneliness. Yet, I realize that God is using even those moments to draw me closer to Him. I have to rely on Him for my strength and my future because He is really the only one that knows how this little life of mine is going to turn out.

So, for now, I am trying to concentrate on who God wants me to become. I still have SO much to learn and so much growing to do. Yet, I think I can honestly say that I am at a point in my life where I can, as Paul did, rejoice in my sufferings. I thought I had a close relationship with God before all of this happened. Though I still have so far to go, I feel like I am learning more and more what it truly means to have a relationship with Him. I am actually content with where God has me at this point in my life. I have so very much to be thankful for daily. I am also a little more aware of my weaknesses and points in my life where I am vulnerable and needing to be on guard. I want to be quick to let Christ fill my heart and not the things or people around me. Though he does use them so effectively in my life as well, they are really more of a bonus. Without Him, I have nothing! It is encouraging to know that He still has plans for my life and that I can be used in ways to impact eternity. I love the joy and responsibility that comes from being a parent. It is amazing to invest in the life of a child and watch as God develops their faith in Him. It just warms my heart to hear Ethan pray (even if he is just thanking God for Veggie Tales). As I ask him questions after his devotional, it is so amazing how he already seems to know that God loves him. What a mighty God we serve that he can reach out and make a two-year old feel loved by Him! I know that there are still SO many people in this world that don't even know such a God exists and it just breaks my heart. I pray that my heart is forever changed and that if that means that I have to endure even more suffering in the future (which I am sure there is more to come for us all as we live in a sin-filled world) I pray that I will openly accept it knowing that God will grant me the grace to get through it and that it will be used to change my life and many many others' lives for eternity.

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. ~Philippians 3:10-14

Who Am I
(by Casting Crowns)
Love this!!
Check it out @http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CT7x3VnrqbA

Bountiful Blessings and Lessons

Another week has gone by quickly. I feel like my life is definitely back to a bit more of a "normal". Yet, there are some things in my life that I would like to stay changedforever! I don't want to have gone through such a traumatic change in my life and not have God use it to shape me into more of who He desires for me to be. I find myself easily slipping back into being a bit lazy with my personal time with Him. I don't think I could ever give it up completely. A part of me is scared to not spend daily time with Him. I think it is more of a good scare...kind of the whole fearing God concept. I want to be close to Him and, honestly, it scares me how far I would fall if I were not to fill my mind with His truth daily. It is so easy to get caught up in the day to day activities though and not think about all of the opportunities we have to expand His kingdom for eternity! I run into people daily and I wonder how they make it through this life without Him. My heart has definitely been softened for hurting people. I can't even hardly watch the news anymore without wanting to write a letter to this or that person that has lost someone in their life. I know I can't reach everyone, but it just breaks my heart to think of losing someone you love. I just want them to know that someone cares and is praying for them.

It can be hard being so sensitive to what is going on around you, but I think that is what we are called to do. I WANT to notice all of the opportunities that surround me. Yet, I find myself often being irritated rather than softened by the people that surround me in this world. It is easier to get annoyed rather than to stop and pray for that person that cut you off and then flips you off while driving down the road. At least Ethan is innocent enough to wave back and say, "Hi!" :-) There is a LOT of wisdom in the idea of having faith like a child. I want the innocence that I see on a daily basis in Ethan to rub off on me. It breaks my heart to think that he will someday be exposed to the harsh realities of this world. I pray his heart will never be hardened, but that he will keep his sweet demeanor as he loves others like Christ would want us to love others. Lately, his favorite phrase is, "No problem." It makes me smile and reminds me that, in the grand scheme of things, it really is no problem!

I have read recently, and a friend also mentioned to me that I must be living life with a foot here on earth and a foot in heaven. I often feel like this and I used to feel guilty for wanting to be there instead of here at times. Yet, I know we will never be truly satisfied on this earth due to the imperfections (the sin). I think it is natural to long to be there, but God has placed us here for a reason. If he were ready for me to be there, I can see that there is no guarantee that will not be tomorrow. So, until then, I want to live my life running to Him in everything I do. I don't want to settle into the day-to-day and be satisfied with that. I want to be so excited about Him, that others cannot help but ask. I also want Ethan to grow up seeing firsthand that Christ DOES make a difference in your life!

"But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall" (Malachi 4:2). I want to be a calf! He he

There are so many distractions in this world. It is almost humorous to me that we all seem to be in this race of life trying to get more and more material things...for what?! So they can all burn? I find myself getting caught up in it too. I am more than blessed with all I have and yet God continues to provide! Just this last week, I received yet another generous donation in the Heyroth account. I keep thinking I should close it, but money just keeps appearing! It brings me to tears every time that others love so generously and don't want Ethan and me to do without anything. He continues to provide. Another huge blessing this past week is that Ethan was approved for Healthwave. This allows me to pay just a very small amount monthly for his health insurance and makes my health plan so much more affordable. Yet again, God provides! I was reminded of yet another quote I read..."Worry doesn't help tomorrow's troubles, but it does ruin today's happiness." Isn't that so true? "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" (Matt. 7:34 & 27) AND, God continued to bless me by providing me with a very successful garage sale. As I counted the grand total, I was shocked. I made almost five hundred dollars. It was almost like the feeding of the five thousand. :-) I really didn't have that much to sell, but the money just continued to come and come.

Another lesson I have learned is the value in forming new friendships. Don't get me wrong, I will continue to develop the friendships I have as well. In fact, without the people God placed in my life, I don't know how I would be where I am today. Yet, there are still times when I just don't know where I fit. I have been looking into Sunday School classes and though there are classes for married, singles, families, and even single moms, I have just been a bit fearful of taking the plunge. I feel so loved and accepted by everyone, but I sometimes feel like my own category. I realize and am accepting now that I am no longer married. Yet, I don't really feel single. However, I would much rather use the word single than widowed. I have been contemplating the idea of going on a retreat with singles coming up in November. At first I was completely opposed to the idea. But, the longer I thought about it, the more I thought it may be a good step. This past week I have had a few late nights hanging out with one old friend and a couple of new friends. I have discovered there is something really healthy in forming new relationships with people that did not even know Rich. I remember learning about that at one point in Grief Share, but at the time, thought that was ridiculous because of all of the support I was getting from my friends. Yet, I can also see the wisdom in realizing that I am starting a new chapter in my life. The past will always be part of my "book" and has helped develop the plot, but there are also so many new beginnings. These people also know me just for me and not my grief. It is kind of refreshing to begin new friendships. I'm trying to get excited about and look forward to how my book is going to continue to develop. I'm just thankful that I DO know the ending!

I have started reading Desiring God by John Piper. I read this book in college and was very challenged by some of the ideas. It is so interesting how differently I view it now that I have actually "lived life" a little. Yet, there is one quote that I will always remember from this book. It is what actually inspired me to pick it up and read it again. "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." I want to live a life that brings God glory. Being the people-pleaser that I am, it is easy to find myself wanting to DO more and more. It was good to be reminded that He is glorified by me just finding my hope and joy in knowing Him!! I think the more I learn about who He is, the more I naturally do the things He desires for me to do.

Disappear by Bebo Norman
My video lesson of the week--
He says it all much more eloquently than I could! :-)

Losing my Grandma

When I learned on Thursday that my grandma had passed away, I was surprised by the tears that came on so suddenly after I hung up the phone with the news. This had been expected and in some ways, even wanted by my grandma herself. She was a woman with such a deep love for her Savior. This was often expressed in her music or words that she would write in letters to her family. She had lost my grandpa six years before and her heart was ready to join him and her Lord in heaven. She was ready to be made perfect. She had already experienced many strokes. Yet, her body continued to stay strong and she would amazingly recover and continued to play the piano until a week before she died. When she was brought to Topeka, exactly a month before her death, the doctors had said it would not be long. We were SO blessed to get quality time with her. She recovered better than they ever thought possible from the bleeding around her brain. She was able to write a letter to each of her children and even her fifteen grandchildren. My father (her eldest son) was able to be at her side and write letters as she dictated to other family and even the Manor where she had spent the last years of her life. EVERY child and grandchild was able to come to Topeka in this time and spend some time at her side. She died peacefully and even rather quickly. It was what most people would say to be the ideal way to die. Yet, as I entered the church to attend the funeral on Sunday, I felt anything but peace.

My emotions were ALL over the place today. I was actually happy for my grandma that she had lived a full life and was now experiencing the joy of being in the presence of God. There was also so much joy in my heart as I was surrounded by the people that I love so dearly. As the hugs began, the tears began to form. I tried SO hard to fight them, but it was too late. As the floodgates opened, it was hard to stop. I felt guilty that my tears were only a little for my grandma, and mostly for Rich. There were just so many bittersweet memories. I had shared some very special moments with Rich at the bedside of my grandpa before he had died. I also remember so vividly singing with Rich as he played the guitar at my grandpa's funeral. AND, there were the times we were able to make it up to the tiny town of Miltonvale to attend my grandma's small church of Senior Citizens. She was so sweet and overly praised our efforts when we would sing for their "special" on Sunday mornings. She also took the time and GREAT effort to write me letters after Rich had died to offer encouragement and love as she could relate first hand what it felt like to lose the love of her life. Her words would always direct me to our FIRST love--Christ and remind me that we would soon be reunited. My grandma dying seemed to make sense. Not having Rich there to be by my side through it all did not make any sense at all. The natural order of life was all messed up.

It was not only him not being there that was hard, but the memories of his own funeral began to surface. All of these feelings that I thought I had dealt with and let go were stirring back up. I began to fight the urge to walk out of the church and keep myself from letting the tears turn into sobbing. Death has forever taken on a whole new and very personal meaning to me. Even though I could rejoice in the fact that my Grandma was in heaven, I could not help but think that a part of me wished it were me. To be done with the sufferings of this world and the daily battle of learning to trust over and over again. Ahhh, how I look forward to those days.

The hardest part about the day was struggling with my feelings of "if only". I was just wishing I had the opportunity to tell Rich good-bye that I had with my grandma. If only I had been able to have even one minute with him. If only he had died of some illness where I could have been at his side and spent precious moments praying with him and telling him how much I loved him over and over again. I HATE, just hate that he was pulled away from me so suddenly. I know it would have been hard to watch him die slowly, but selfishly, I want those days. Even though I have never enjoyed the "viewing" of a body at a funeral (because really it is just an empty shell), I wish others had been able to have the opportunity to look at more than just a picture of Rich. There just seems like there is no closure. I wonder what his last thoughts were or if he even had the chance to realize this was the end.

This funeral brought back SO much pain. I am exhausted from it all. I just want it to all go away and for my life to begin again. There are days that things are going so well and I can focus on my purpose here on earth and trust God completely with my life and heart. And then, there are days like this. Will it ever go away? Am I going to live fifty more years with this knot in my stomach that continues to resurface whenever a memory is triggered? Most days I feel like I am moving forward and doing well with it all. But then there is another "first", and I start all over again.

I will choose, yet again, to trust Him with my life and my future. Even though, on a day like this, it looks quite dismal, I know there is hope in Him! One of my Grandma's favorite passage in her last days was Psalm 91. It is one that I have marked in my book of paraphrased Psalms. It says...

That one whose faith is focuse on God,
Who finds security in Him,
Does not have to live in fear.
He is not left untouched by the tempests of this life,
And he may be wounded by the onslaughts of evil,
But his great God does not leave him to suffer these things alone.
The Lord cares for His own and delivers him even in the midst of the conflicts that plague him

If God is truly your God,
You do not have to be afraid of the enemy that threatens or the affliction that lays you low.
Men all about you may fall, never to rise again,
But the Lord is by your side to raise you to your feet and to lead you to ultimate victory.

Even in the ministering spirits of His invisible world are watching over you.
They will not allow anything to hurt you except by God's loving permission and through His eternal concern.

Our loving God has promised it:
"Because My child loves Me, I will never let him go.
I shall feel the pain of his wounds and bear his hurt and shall transform that which is ugly into that which enriches and blesses.
And when he cries out in agony, I shall hear and answer him.
I will be close to him and will deliver him,
and I will grant him eternal life."


I need to use truth in my life daily to fight the lies that creep into my head. This morning as I was out running, I almost had a panic attack as my mind wondered into the "what ifs" of my future. I started questioning whether I had enough love for God to handle it if I were to lose even more precious people in my life. For a brief moment, I thought about losing Ethan. Would I trust God enough with that as well? I remember Rich and I discussing the possibility and how we had to hold him at arm's length remembering that he was not really ours, but that he belonged to God. We loved him with all of our hearts, but also looked at him as a gift on loan to us. I thought it would break my heart, but with God's strength I could handle losing him if that was His will. When Rich died, I remember thinking, I don't think I ever thought about Rich being on loan to me the way I did Ethan. Why didn't I pray that over him as well? I was NOT big enough to handle losing him, but God WAS! As I stopped to pray, I realized that as much as I tried to control my life, I was in much better hands allowing God to take charge. So, even though I don't know how I could ever face another sudden loss in my life, I am taking it one day at a time. I choose NOT to live my life in fear of the "what ifs". I pray that I would embrace the truths of Psalm 91 in my life.

Looking Up!

I feel like "looking up" is a message that God is continually placing in my life from all kinds of sources. Sometimes I can be a bit of a slow learner and so God has to pound the idea into my head from all different directions. :-)

I was very encouraged by all I have been learning in my Bible Study this past week. I always come away from our weekly sessions feeling refreshed as well. It is amazing to me how God's Word is always ready to teach us something new. The part that is most fascinating is how God uses it to reach us all on such an individual and intimate level. I love listening to what others are learning from the study during our sharing time. We all studied the same material, and yet God uses it so uniquely in each of our lives. What an amazing God we serve! We joked a bit this morning about how our calendars are often so full, but we can only imagine what God's calendar must look like! :-)

One of the points Beth Moore talked about in the study this week was our focus and how where we are looking greatly affects our outlook on life. To be exact she said, "Where we look- where we genuinely fasten our gaze- amid continual life challenges has a tremendous impact on how we feel." "Where I look -> What I hear -> What I feel -> What I expect"
I was reminded that no matter how much of a routine I follow and even if that routine includes spending time with God, if my whole heart is not looking to Him, my attitude and life will not change. I must take my eyes OFF of my circumstances and put them ON Him!

Then, as my week continued I could not believe how many times I heard the song by Brandon Heath on K-Love "Give me Your Eyes". It was a good reminder of how I need to be viewing life--through my Father's eyes and not my own. My own are so clouded by my own selfish needs and desires at times. When I focus on ME or even on OTHERS, I find myself feeling either sorry for myself or even, at times, envious of others. THEN, when I think about how God sees us and our real purpose here on this earth--not to focus on my problems, but to lead others to HIM---I am reminded, once again, to look up!

Also, this morning as we walked into Bible Study, our facilitator, Sara, had taped dollar bills to the ceiling and had change on the floor. It was an illustration that often we get too caught up in the nickels and dimes of life to notice the dollars in our life. If we would just look past the little problems and look up to God, those little things would not seem like such a big deal.

This morning I was reading from a book called "Daily Splashes of Joy" by Barbara Johnson. She is a great author and speaker who has been through SO much tragedy of her own. I have always been one that has sought out books on joy and living a joy-filled life. Overall, I am usually a pretty happy person. I remember once in high school, having a girl ask me, "Why are you always so happy?" What a great opportunity it gave me to tell her where my true source of joy was found. One of the hardest things I have struggled with through losing Rich is finding that joy in the midst of the pain. I want so badly to be genuine and real, and yet being sad or even miserable at times is not what I want others to see. I want my life to continue to be a reflection of Christ. I realize that sadness and joy can co-exist, but it is a complicated matter!

When we were first married, Rich and I used to love just spending time reading together. Actually we were reading our own books, but would just enjoy them in each others' presence. I would often stop and share something I was learning or something funny and he would do the same. (Though I have to admit, I would interrupt him much more than he would interrupt me!)
One of my favorite books by Barbara Johnson is called "Stick a Geranium in Your Hat and Be Happy." Rich thought it was a ridiculous title, but would laugh when he would see me giggling over something in it. Whenever I was in a bad mood or just a bit grouchy about something he would say, "You need to go stick a daisy or carnation or whatever in your hat." It would always make me laugh because he could never get it right and it was a good reminder that I needed to change my attitude. This morning as I was reading, Barbara was referring to problems in our lives. I love the way she phrased it and so am going to share the whole thing...

"There are several steps in the process of giving a problem completely to God. You take your first step when life rises up to knock you flat- you CHURN. You feel as if your insides are full of knives chopping you up in a grinder. Your next step is to BURN. That's right, you want to kill the one who caused your pain, and then you want to kill yourself. You literally feel as if you're burning up inside.
In your third step, you YEARN. Oh, you want so much for things to change. You yearn for the happy past, and this stage often lasts the longest of all. But then you take the next step: You LEARN. You talk with others, perhaps find a support group, and you learn that you're in a long growth process. The wonderful result is that you relieve your own pain.
And finally, you take your last step. You TURN. You turn your problem over to the Lord completely by saying, 'Whatever, Lord! Whatever you bring into my life, You are strong enough to get me through it.'"

This pretty much sums up the process I went through this past year. I think I am still a bit between the learning and turning process. AND, at times, I step back into the yearning. I want to look UP! I know this is what will pull me through so that I can completely TURN it over to God. I can say with my words, "Whatever, Lord!" But deep in my heart, I still cling to people in my life that I think I could not bare to lose. It is almost as if I feel like I have done my fair share of suffering for my lifetime. Yet, I know that is not up to me to decide and I KNOW there is more suffering ahead. So, my prayer is that I can give it all up to Jesus and truly mean it with my whole heart. The quote at the bottom of this entry was "Sorrow looks back. Worry looks around. Faith looks up." There we go again with the looking up! I think that after a week of so many reminders, I have learned that God desires for me to look completely to Him. It is easy, at times, for me to go to friends or family with my issues. I know God uses others in my life to fill a need and even give me wise counsel, but it is HE that I must look to first! After all, He is the only one that knows ALL... "Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." (John 13:7)

I can just imagine the spiritual battle between my Lord and Satan that may have taken place the night of Rich's death. Satan thought he would win the battle by taking a life. Yet, as Paul so eloquently put it, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Phil. 1:21 Rich didn't lose out on anything! He has escaped the sufferings of this world. AND, I can only begin with the amazing impact his death has had on the lives of so many! The battle is not over, but I refuse to let Satan get my life too. I refuse to drown myself in my sorrows. I will continue to look up. God KNEW that HE was big enough and strong enough to get me through this and that He would be glorified!

Thank you, Lord, for reminding me (even if you had to do it several times and will have to do it several more) to look up! Thank you so much for leaving us with your precious Word so that we may continue to learn more about you as we learn to trust you completely with our lives.

You Alone
(David Crowder Band)

You are the only one I need
I bow all of me at your feet
I worship You alone

You have given me more than
I could ever have wanted
And I want to give you my heart and my soul

You alone are Father
You alone are Good
You alone are Savior
You alone are God

I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive!

My Pilgrimage

I am beginning to see that Mothering very closely parallels my spiritual pilgrimage. There have been so many lessons that I learn just by watching my son as he learns what we call "appropriate behavior". In the midst of a tantrum or complete melt down, even in my exhaustion, there are times I find myself almost laughing at how God must feel very similar to how I feel when he looks at me. I feel like I have had my own share of tantrums or melt downs as he looks over me just shaking His head saying, "I love you child, but you just need to listen or you just need to trust me." I know the feeling of being a disappointed parent, even hurt by my child's actions when he chooses outright defiance instead of choosing to obey. I see the way that it hurts him and keeps him from getting what he ultimately wants. The only thing that is missing from my equation is that I am one very imperfect parent and my God is the Perfect parent and giver of love, patience, acceptance, and has complete control!! How I wish, at times, I could be that kind of parent to my son (esp. the having complete control part!) ;-) Yet, I am SO thankful that I DO have my Lord to go to for direction and that ultimately, my son is accountable to Him! I pray daily (often several times a day) that Ethan will come to know what it means to know Jesus personally at a young age and that He will grow into a man that loves him with all of his heart, strength, and mind!

We have continued to have a week of ups and downs in the world of parenting. Yet, there has been a significant change in his behavior since Monday! Sunday started out as a pretty miserable day (my birthday of all days), with Ethan tired from another busy weekend. It had been almost an entire month since he had taken a nap on any kind of a consistent basis, though I refused to give up hope that I could at least expect him to be in his bed quietly for at least an hour of "rest time". He loves to look at books and would have probably sat somewhere else in the house at any OTHER time of day for nearly an hour looking at books or doing puzzles if I had asked him. But, the nap time had become an all-out battle between us... a time of day that we had both begun to dread. Sunday was no different, except that I was SO tired and really desired to take a nap myself. He was in his room refusing to stay in his bed screaming out and banging his feet against the wall, yet again. I was at a breaking point, and just laid down on my bed face flat and cried out to God, "I cannot do this anymore! Please give me the strength to love him as only you can love him." I cried and cried and began feeling extremely sorry for myself instead of taking every thought captive. I began thinking of how different my birthday would have been had Rich been here. I began thinking of how I did not want to be a single mom. I started doubting that it was possible to do this well as my mind wandered into the many fears of my future that had not even taken place. My imagination began to run wild at the thought of a rebellious teenager growing up without a dad and a mom who was working too many hours to be involved in his life, but knowing I had to pay the bills. I started resenting the fact that I was now responsible for everything and all I ever wanted was to be a mom and a wife. I was never one that was overly driven to have a high power career. I just wanted a simple life where I could devote my whole attention to my family. I was willing to sacrifice the "extras" in life knowing that it could be tight living on one salary, but desiring to be home to devote my whole heart and time to my husband and my children. I knew they would be exhausting and wearing at times, but I also knew I had married an amazing man who knew when and how to step in and give me a break from my unpaid full-time job. Where had this dream gone?!!! I am too much of a "realist" to think that this was going to be an easy life and one not full of ups and downs, but THIS was not what I was picturing when I thought of the downs of life. I remember getting married thinking that I would love this man for better or for worse and really meaning it. The only problem is, he is not here to help me through the "worse". He knew me better than anyone on this earth and as I lay there crying, I remember saying to God, "Will I ever laugh again until my sides hurt?" Yes, I have a deep, inner joy, and even contentment at times, but I feel like I am always carrying around this reminder with me that sorrow is just around the corner. I don't know how to let go of it without completely letting go of my love for Rich. Like a friend of mine said, "It is a difficult balance between loving and remembering Rich and moving on with my life".

The good news is that my birthday did not end on this note of misery. I actually had a friend completely call me out on feeling sorry for myself. Wow! It takes a good friend to be able to do that! As soon as I read her email, I was reminded of a quote from Barbara Johnson (someone who has experienced quite a bit of grief of her own!) In this life "pain is inevitable, but misery is optional". This is so true. We do live in a fallen world and are surrounded by tragedy, but we must choose to live a life of obedience...taking every thought captive and choosing to trust Christ with our lives. He DOES have the big picture in His hands and though I may never know (I have to learn to accept this every day over and over again) why my journey takes this direction, I will choose to trust God with it and trust that He will also work out the impossible details of somehow fulfilling the desires of my heart while keeping me within His perfect plan!

"Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca (baca means tears or weeping)
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
They go from strength to strength,
til each appears before God in Zion...
O Lord Almighty,
blessed is the man who trusts in you."
(Psalm 84: 5-7,12)

I read this verse in a Beth Moore Study...she goes on to explain
"When life gets hard or we simply feel 'worn to a frazzle,' as my grandmother would say, it's time to take a deep breath and remind ourselves this place is not our home. We're just passing through on our way to a heavenly Kingdom. We are pilgrims here. The supply of 'strength to strength' implies the demand. In other words, as long as we're here, we're going to need it. And as long as we need it, God's going to supply it."

As I look back over my life and the trials that I have experienced, God has never failed to draw me closer to Him through them all. He ALWAYS is faithful to pull me through them and provide the grace I need in the moment. This is the first one that has been so hard to get pulled through. I suppose it is because there are so many layers in it all. Just when I get through one part of my grief, another part begins to peel away. I keep thinking that maybe I am not "getting better", but I think maybe I am just taking my time to soak it all in. Another thing that is so different about this trial in my life is that it has affected the life of every person that is close to me in my life and even those that I may have never known. And, it is just beginning to affect my son. This is the most difficult part for me. Tonight as we sat down for dinner, completely out of nowhere he said, "Daddy coming home?" It took me by complete surprise. All I could say was, "Daddy is not able to come home, sweetheart. Do you miss him?" He, of course responded "okay" (which means yes is his vocabulary). I said, "I do too." That was all I could get out. It is strange how the mind of a two year old works. I know something must have triggered it, but I didn't want to push the issue. I realize there is SO much more of this to come. Yet, once again, I think that may be why God is allowing me to get through all of these layers now so that I am better equipped to deal with the other issues later. I do have faith that He will provide me with the strength and words to lovingly show my son that we serve a Sovereign God who loves us and has our best in mind even when it doesn't make sense to us.

On a positive note, my pilgrimage through Motherhood took a good turn this week. On Monday, Ethan finally stayed in his bed and rested. Tuesday and Wed. he actually slept during nap time and today, even though he did not sleep, he did have some "rest time". Though I realize that our "phases" of twos, threes, and fours are just beginning, it is so nice to know that they truly do come in phases. Like childbirth, there are moments in between the pain to breathe, and prepare for the next phase of pain. I can deal with it all just knowing that there is hope and that the "contraction" is not going to be never ending! That is true even with our spiritual pilgrimage. There are some pretty bad contractions along the way, but the reward in the end of our labor/journey is SO rewarding and worth every bit of the pain!

My God is faithful. That I know! And I will trust Him with what I don't. God never promised us answers in this lifetime, but He did promise treasures to the seeker: (Beth Moore)

"I will give you the treasures of darkness,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the Lord,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name."
(Isa. 45:3)

Choosing Life!

I have begun blogging so many times this past week, and yet I have not had the chance to complete my thoughts or the energy to put the thoughts in my head into writing. I feel as if I am in a constant battle daily and it is wearing me down. We ARE in a spiritual battle and I KNOW I must prepare myself by putting on the full armor of God. (Eph. 6:11-12) Yet, I still have days where I feel I am losing the battle as I feel myself being sucked into the trap of being stuck in my grief. This is NOT the place I want to be! I want to be free of this. I am learning in the Psalms, that it is okay to cry out to God with our worries and woes, but then I am to let HIM take control of them. That is the part I feel as if I am only able to do from time to time and then I feel like I am right back where I began. How frustrating it is to be facing the SAME challenges over and over. It is more than frustrating...it is just plain exhausting!!

Tomorrow is my father-in-law's last day of work at Boeing. They are having a retirement party tomorrow evening in his honor. I think there was a part of Rich that was looking forward to this day almost as much as his own dad. My in-laws plan to move to Texas and retire on the family ranch. Rich was SO looking forward to helping out his dad and had been taking time to read and research all about raising cattle. He had even started a notebook on all of his findings. It was his hope that same day, way down the road, we may also retire and then take over the family ranch. I was never sure that I would be in love with this idea, but I was willing to go wherever he went! Even though this should be a celebration, it just breaks my heart that Rich is not here to celebrate it with his dad. He was really close to his dad in the way that Rich longed for Ethan to grow up being close to him. All of the siblings used to tease Rich because of the way he would sometimes imitate his dad and his likes or dislikes. Yet, as you stepped back to look at the whole picture, you could just see a son who admired his dad. I know that there was a mutual respect between the two of them. Rich's dad is a man of few words, but the times he did speak to Rich or write him a letter, the words were so filled with love and respect. I am thrilled that Ethan will have the opportunity to grow up with his Granddad in his life, but at the same time, torn apart that his dad is not here to be with him daily and have that same kind of relationship with his own son.

They say the second year of grieving is supposed to be easier. I can say that there is a part of that statement that is true. The moments of heart wrenching pain come less frequently and are less intense. I do not find myself taken by surprise nearly as often. (Though there are still moments that I will find myself tearing up without warning.) Yet, there is a deeper onset of just sadness that I feel has taken over my heart. I also am experiencing intense loneliness. It is so hard to battle because filling up my schedule or being around other people does not suffice to take away my loneliness. In fact, sometimes it just makes it worse because then I am exhausted on top of the loneliness. I try so hard to fill my mind with truth and spend time with my Lord, and yet even that can leave me feeling unsatisfied. Or worse, I feel guilty for it not meeting all of my needs and feel like a failure in my relationship with Him. Most of the time, God does speak to my heart through His Word, but often I have been experiencing a lot of the same...Trust Me, Be patient, Wait, Know that I have Your Best in my plans for you, Trust Me!

I have had the hardest month with Ethan. As I looked back over the calendar tonight, I realized that YES, nearly a month has passed that I have been dealing with the same issue...a battle of the wills. My son has decided that he does NOT need to have a rest time in the afternoon and his mommy has decided that he WILL have a rest time every day! I should be happy that today he actually stayed IN his bed for a whole hour. Though he never held still long enough to actually fall asleep, he at least stayed in his bed and did not climb up the side of his wardrobe, flip over his glider chair, or take the closet doors off their rollers. I SHOULD be happy that he actually stayed in bed, but instead I am just exhausted. Those precious two hours I used to have every day to get things done or to maybe actually rest myself have been transferred to my evening after he has gone to bed. This means that from about 1-7 every day we are experiencing a lot of turmoil at my house from no napping to all out break downs and tantrums throughout the evening. He usually is begging to go to bed by about 6:30, but this does not usually work due to our evening activities. There have been many a moment when I have cried out to God, "I can't do this alone! He needs a daddy and I need a husband. I need the reinforcement. I need the encouragement. I need the break. I just need a hug and someone coming home telling me they love me and that I AM a good mommy." I have read ALL the books, sought advice from all of my expert mommy friends, and even outside counseling. No one seems to know the answer. Overall, he is a good kid and obeys well during the morning hours. I love him so dearly and just want what is best for him. I realize he would maybe be doing all of this even if Rich were in his life, but for some reason, it just seems like it would be easier to deal with then. I KNOW I am just pouring out a long "woe is me" blog and feel kind of foolish for even being so open and honest with my little daily dealings. The problem is that these daily dealings are wearing me out enough that I feel as if I have nothing left to give. There are SO many people in my life that I want to be doing things for and serving and loving on. Yet, I feel like I am an empty vessel without much to give. When I soak in my time with God, I feel like it is drained from me slowly throughout the day until I finally fall into bed at night with a sigh and a "Thank you, Lord, for helping me through one more day." just to get up in the morning and start it all over again.

Yet, somehow, even in the midst of all of this daily turmoil that stirs around in my head (the questions, the what ifs, the how is this going to work), God provides me with a peace that passes all understanding as I believe He is somehow going to pull me through this experience and make me stronger and more like Him in the process! I don't really have a clue how He is going to do that, but if anyone can make something good come out of something so tragic, I believe He can!

"I am confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord. "
(Psalm 27:13-14)

So even though I don't always feel God's presence, I know it! I may have days where I don't want to go on, but I can ask Him to give me the strength to want to want to go on!
I am at a new place in my grieving process. One where I must constantly CHOOSE to go on with my life and let his mercies greet me each morning with a smile. Rich will always have a special place in my heart, and I am forever changed for having had him in my life. Yet, I am at a new place now where I will miss him, but I cannot let myself keep going back to that place of darkness that consumes me with hurt and sadness. I have to set my eyes on Jesus and the hope that He gives me for my future. Plans to prosper and not harm me. I know there WILL be more heartaches that may come my way, and the thought of that, honestly, quite frightens me. But, I also know that I cannot live a life of fear or cling to the hurts of my past. I want others to see that my identity is in Christ and not in my grief.

"I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life." (Deut. 30:19-20)

This has become my new theme verse! The Lord is my life and when I think about what that really means, the trivial day to day things seem to wash away. My hardships and hurts are still there, but they are there to shape and mold me, NOT to destroy me.

"What shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?...
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered. No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God, that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 8:31, 35-39

Emotional Trauma!!

This past week has been full of emotional trauma. Most of it has been played out in my son's life, but there has been a bit of it boiling within me and even displayed in public as I broke down in tears walking into MOPS this morning. I absolutely hate crying in public. It is not really the fear of everyone knowing that I don't have it all together (I think that is pretty much out there by now!). It is more of just feeling like I am being selfish and taking away from others as they run to my aid. Deep down I know that these people just care and want to be there for me, but I guess I just wonder if they know that I would do the same for them. Why is it that we all always apologize for crying as if it is really doing something wrong to feel badly enough about something that it brings us to tears? I do it! Everyone I know does it. Is it just a habit? I know I felt completely bad as soon as I lost it and started apologizing right away. I guess I feel like I am causing others to be concerned and I feel selfish for that reason. Yet, I also know that the reason I cried this morning is because I had been holding in so much from my week and I was walking into a room full of women that I love and I also know that many of them love me. It just brought me to tears as soon as someone asked how I was doing. I could not lie. I was not doing so well. I had tried to talk it over with God this morning and thought I had it all resolved and was trusting Him with it all, but in reality, I was SO far from trusting Him. Here is that trust thing again...oh the journey of learning to have complete and perfect trust!

My week began (as you read earlier) with my Grandmother being flown into Topeka due to a fall and bleeding on her brain. She was tested, treated, and released to Hospice to basically die. Even though she had lived a "full-life", the thought of losing her was hard for me to take. However, she has taken a miraculous change for the better. Even though the doctors are saying she will still probably not make it to Christmas, she is able to understand, communicate and even played the piano a few days this week! She at one time asked, "How long does it take to die?" She is aware that her heart is giving out and that it is a struggle to breath, but she is also so at peace about dying. What a difference Christ makes in one's life! She has begun singing with family as they visit and often asks to sing "Soon and very Soon". What a blessing it is to watch God work through her life to the very end and to ALL have a chance to say our good-byes. Even with the good news, it has still taken a bit of a toll on me emotionally just revisiting the thought of death and being even a bit envious that my Grandma will be in heaven so soon. I recently read in an email devotional about my heart being forever changed for eternity.

"The Bible says that God has set eternity in our hearts. To long for a better place is not a vain hope or delusion. You were made for eternity, and because of this, you can never be fully satisfied until you get to heaven."

Yet, I long to LIVE my life here and now for eternity. For some reason, God has allowed me to be here and to continue to live my life here on earth and I want to live it in a way that pleases him and prepares me for my life with Him.

"Life here really is a dress rehearsal for the world to come. A person who embraces the world to come and lives in light of it has his whole world radically re-altered. He looks at people differently. He looks at money differently. Looks at the things around his life differently. Looks at his own self differently."

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." ~Eccl. 3:11

The thoughts from this devotional came at just the right time. I have had so many thoughts of eternity this week and wanting to just experience complete peace in God's presence. It was encouraging to know that these are natural longings, but also good to be reminded that I DO have a life to live here and now and a purpose for being here according to God's plan. It kind of goes along with that whole cliche, "God is not finished with me yet". It is true. He still has much to accomplish in my life here in this sin-filled world and He is preparing me, shaping and molding me for my eternity with him.

"We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed...Therefore, we do not lose heart... My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
~II Cor. 4:7-9, 16; 12:9

I have to admit that there were several moments this week where I felt in despair, but it was at those moments that I was forgetting to pray. It is amazing how sufficient God truly is in our lives! There are times that even after prayer, I may not have felt immediate goodness, but God would direct me to where I needed to go. I had to reach out to others this week for help in raising my son. I felt like a failure, but was so distraught over what to do. I was SO encouraged when I reached out. I often forget to do this. I get so busy with the day to day and just trying to survive that I forget there are so many others who have also been through emotional trauma like I was facing. This may seem like a small thing to some of you, but if you have TRULY been face to face with a strong-willed child, you will feel my pain!

The thing that has been the hardest this past week was watching my sweet, compliant child turn into a tyrant! It was as if someone just flipped a switch and said, "time to see that your child has another side". I also felt like a new me was appearing as my child would throw himself into fits of rage kicking and screaming "No!" As I would try to give him two choices, the once "milk please" answer turned into "No milk! No water!" and then two seconds later "Milk, No milk, Milk! Milk! Milk!" I watched the behavior grow worse as he absolutely refused to nap for five days in a row. It was painful to give up my time to get things done or, heaven forbid, rest a bit myself as I would put him back into his bed over and over again. He would lay in his bed kicking his feet as hard as he could against the wall until my neighbor (I live in a townhouse) actually called to make sure everything was okay. I should have said, "No. Would you like to watch my child while I go outside and scream?!" :-) After five days of naptime battles, my child finally had a fit like I had never seen turning bright red and sweating from all of the energy put into it. Finally after 20 minutes, (I told him he could come see me when he was done as I waited outside his room making sure he didn't hurt himself!) he came to me and said, "hold me". I held him and rocked him and he was sound asleep in less than a minute! He slept last night from about 5:45 until 8:00 this morning! I actually had to wake him. Today there were still a few "moments", but I am trying so hard to stay consistent. Though he did not sleep, I was able to be patient and calm while we tried a new nap time routine. (This was due to the prayer of my friends!) I was often reminded of myself and my relationship with God as I thought over our week. There was a moment that I was cooking supper and Ethan wanted to pull up a chair beside me and immediately began to reach for the burner and hot pan. I told him no! and immediately moved his chair away explaining this was not safe and mommy was protecting him from getting hurt. I tried to busy him with another project, but he was SO mad that I would not let him help. An empty pot and spoon on the floor just didn't cut it. I tried many distractions, but the tears kept flowing. I remember telling him he just needed to trust mommy and that I loved him and wanted to keep him safe. I immediately wondered how many times I must appear this way to God; reaching for something or wanting something for my life that would harm me. I cry out to God like a child thinking it isn't fair or crying because I want something that He is just not ready for me to have. He is probably telling me the same thing- "Trust me child. I love you and want to protect you. I want the best for you!" I pull my chair up next to Him, and instead of just listening and trusting Him, I want answers now! The emotional trauma that I am experiencing could all be let go of if I could just learn how to have that perfect trust!

As my week continued, I was faced with more bad news of people in my life having medical tests reveal not good information. Though there are no answers right now of the outcome, I just wanted to cry. Could I really handle losing three more people that I dearly love in the next year? Did God really know what He was asking of me? One of my best friends from college was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is so young! It won't be until Monday that I hear for sure what stage she is in, but it is just so hard to watch her worry and suffer being so far away from family and the friends that care for her so dearly! With this news and the news of another loved one in my life having a mass of quite possibly cancer on her kidney just about did it for me emotionally this week.

On top of it all (though quite comical as I look back) I injured my back through a series of events. It was SO bad that I was hardly able to walk and was not able to sit at my computer for several days. It is amazing how much pain a pinched sciatic nerve can cause! I was feeling like I was about 80 years old this week trying to take care of my not so easy toddler and watching my house get dirtier and dirtier and realizing there was nothing I could do about it and just hoping no one would drop by just to say "hi!"

As I look back over my week, I can definitely see how God was at work refining me, molding me, and pulling me back up out of the pit of despair. My desire is that I can always be on the lookout for moments of joy even in the midst of bad news and that I would seek first His kingdom! I want my life here and now to be one that trusts God through the ups and downs, not just with my head, but also my heart!

"I am quiet now before the Lord, just as a child who is weaned from the breast. Yes, my begging has been stilled. O Israel, you too should quietly trust in the Lord - now and always."
~Psalm 131:2-3

The very fire that blackens my horizons warms my soul. The darkness that oppresses my mind sharpens my vision. The flood that overwhelms my heart quenches my thirst. The thorns that penetrate my flesh strengthen my spirit. The grave that buries my desires deepens my devotion. Man's failure to comprehend this intention of God is one of life's true calamities.
~James Means
A Tearful Celebration

God WILL be seen even in my weakness. For that, I am so very grateful!!