I feel like lately my house has been more of a pit stop than a home. From traveling, to work, to grocery shopping, to being a mom, and even trying to have a bit of social life, I am just feeling pulled in too many directions. Ethan has been surprisingly flexible with me taking him here and there and all over the place. I have been in the car a lot, traveling to see family and friends and trying to spend "quality time" with them all. In fact, I am taking a break to blog as I am again packing for yet another trip that we leave for early in the morning. We are off to Derby to see Rich's parents and siblings to celebrate a birthday and just be together. It all goes back to the whole balance issue. Yet, due to the upcoming anniversary of Rich's graduation into heaven, I just feel like I NEED to see people and others have made it clear that they need to see me.
I kind of dread the upcoming day (Aug 5th) and weekend. I'm not sure how I will personally deal with it all. In some ways, I just view it as yet another day. It is really harder, in some ways, on so many others around me. I have been dealing with Rich's loss every day and moment since it happened. For so many others, it is something they don't even think about from day to day unless something big brings it to mind. I don't want to sound like I have no mercy for others. I really DO care and understand how deeply they hurt and feel Rich's loss. I guess, in a way, I am a bit envious of them- that they can just experience the hurt and then move on without a thought about it until something major triggers it in their minds. I don't desire in any way for others to dwell over the loss or feel sorry for me. I guess I just sometimes wish we could all go through it together at the same rate. I know this is impossible because grief is just experienced by everyone in so many different ways and people knew Rich on so many different levels. We are all grieving different things. And though the intensity and way we grieve may be different, it is all due to the loss of one.
I don't know what to expect for this next week. I'm planning on being in Derby for a few days to be with Rich's family. This is still such a hard thing. I love them SO deeply. When I am with them, it is great. They are a fun family who enjoy sitting around sharing stories and laughing together. Often Rich will come up in a conversation and I still learn new things about his childhood and how ornery he was. We have a lot of "Remember when..." moments together. I see so much of Rich in his family and have SO many memories of our times together when I visit his parents' home. It is when I leave, that it gets hard. I hate the drive home. I always feel like I am leaving a part of Rich behind and that he should be coming home with me. It feels so strange to be making new memories with his family and yet have him no longer be there to experience them with me and Ethan.
The next weekend I plan to meet up with a group of Rich's best friends and their families from college for a campout and bonfire memorial. I am SO excited to see these friends that I don't get to connect with on a regular basis. I look forward to taking Ethan on his first camping experience. Rich and I loved to camp. He would have really loved doing this with his friends. I am not quite the "boy scout" that he was, but know the guys will introduce Ethan properly to the world of camping. It will be a weekend full of wonderful new memories along with some great old ones shared. We plan to have church in the pasture the next morning. I know it will be an amazing time, but also imagine it could be a bit emotionally draining.
I plan to come home Sunday and spend the evening at the river at the memorial sight with family. (If I can handle it) I just don't know. Often, in the moment, God provides me with amazing strength and peace. Yet, it is later, when I leave those I love and am worn down emotionally and mentally that I just collapse from it all. I so WANT to be there with those I love remembering all that we loved and cherished about Rich. I want to celebrate his one year birthday in heaven...how fortunate he is!! I want to praise God that he has given me the strength to survive this year, to grow, and to even thrive at times. These are the desires of my heart. But when it actually happens, will I be able to have a heart of joy standing at the river side on a Sunday night...the same night a year ago when I received a phone call I will never forget? Do I really want to stand and look at the same waters that I stood at all night long a year ago, hoping and praying that somehow Rich had survived the inevitable? These are thoughts I just need to pray over and really ponder.
Then, there are those that want to meet on THE day...Aug. 5th. I am so fortunate to have so many that care and are concerned for me and want to be with me. Again, I want to make this a positive time and yet honestly, part of me just wants to run away and hide out and sleep the day away. Is this selfish of me? I want God to be honored and I want Rich's memory to be honored. Yet, how do I just keep going and going and reliving it over and over again? I am starting to feel a bit like the Energizer bunny who is going and going, but I am also starting to FEEL less and less...just going through the motions again. I am scared of facing this next week. I don't want all of the feelings to come rushing back, and yet I don't want to just push myself through the week without any feelings at all. The tears are beginning to form in my eyes just thinking about it all. My hands are beginning to sweat and my throat is getting tight as I relive in my mind that week a year ago. Can't we just skip the month of August and move onto September? "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?" (Psalm 13:2)
"Is any one of you in touble? He should pray." (James 5:13) Thank you, Lord, for loving me at all times, even when I have fears and doubts and try to rely on my own strength when I know I should be relying on YOU.
"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I risel you perceive my thoughts from afar... You are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord." (Psalm 139:1-4)
Lord, please give me the strength and courage to rely on you to get through each hour and each day as I relive so many memories of Rich with those I love this next week. Thank you for knowing every detail of our lives and for caring about each one. Help me to continue to draw near to you for comfort.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
Finding a Balance...
This is definitely going to be a life-long battle for me. I have always struggled with this in different areas of my life. I tend to get a bit obsessive compulsive when I discover a new love for something or even in my day to day activities. Just ask my friends- I can go crazy cleaning and have so much fun doing it...pulling out the old toothbrush to get every tiny speck of dirt and scrub it clean. Other times it may be a job like when I was teaching. I was obsessed with my kids and my classroom and had to really WORK at leaving work and letting it go. Now as a mom, I find myself becoming a bit obsessed with wanting to be the "perfect mom" and make sure I am engaging my son at all times in creative outlets and always reading about different strategies to teach him this or that, to love Jesus, and how to discipline in an effective manner. At the same time as being a mom, I find myself still wanting that perfectly clean house, wanting to be the perfect friend to others, wanting all of my memories to be nicely written down and put in a cute scrapbook, wanting to reach out to my neighbors and disciple other girls, to have the pretty flower garden and perfectly mowed yard, to be pushing my mind to be challenged beyond the vocabulary of a two-year old, to be exercising daily and pushing myself to go that extra mile, to fix healthy meals that introduce new likes (mostly dislikes) to my two year old's very picky palette, be the best steward of my money that I can possibly be (meaning getting all of the great coupon deals and freebies!) and the list goes on and on and on.
Whew! I am exhausted just thinking about it all. Then I have to remind myself that the greatest commandment for my life is to "Love the Lord my God with all of the heart, soul, and mind and to love my neighbor as myself." How do I do that with all of these distractions in my life? I SO want my mind to be always focused on Him. I want to bring Him into my day to day tasks and desires. Some days this is easier than others! AND, I want to remember that Christ is satisfied in me alone and not in my accomplishments...that is one of the hardest ones of all to accept completely.
BALANCE- It just comes up SO much and in EVERY area of my life. I want to find balance in remembering Rich, but also moving on with my future. I know Christ wants me to live in the here and now with an eternal perspective. Yet, I also never want to forget the person that knew me better than I often knew myself at times. I want Ethan to grow up knowing his daddy and what he desired for his son. It saddens my heart when I try to remember certain experiences we had together and I can't remember the details or even the event at all. Rich was always the one with the amazing memory in our relationship. He remembered every date and often even the specific time of special occasions. It would amaze me how he could read through a huge book on the Vietnam War in a couple of nights and actually recall specific details months later. I would not have even enjoyed reading it in the first place, let alone remember anything I read! So, where is the balance? As I begin to go through his belongings, what do I keep and what do I part with? Part of me wants to save so much for Ethan. But at the same time, what kid wants or needs 12 ball caps that belonged to his dad? It has been such a comfort for me to be surrounded by his things...parts of who he was. Yet, as time passes, they are beginning to become just that- THINGS. Yes, some of them DO represent who he was and what he loved, but they didn't really make him who he was. As I linger over each item, I find myself being flooded with memories. Some make me laugh (even out loud!), others make me cry, and then there are even the feelings of frustration and then guilt for feeling that way when I can't really be mad at someone who it not even here! Rich IS and will always be a part of me. God used him in my life to help shape me into who I am today. At the beginning, there was a part of me that wished I had never married him so that I would not have endured the pain of losing him. Today, I would never say that. I would do it all over again...even if I knew I would lose him. I'm so thankful that I was able to be a part of God's master plan for Rich's life. What a privilege it was to be his wife and friend. I will ALWAYS have memories of him and part of me is who I am today because of the way God used him to shape, mold, and refine me.
Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to know, love, and be a part of Rich's life. I pray you will remind me often that you are and will always be my FIRST love and that I will never lose you. Thank you for using Rich to show me just a taste of what unconditional love is and for continuing to put people in my life that shower me with friendship, love, and prayer.
Whew! I am exhausted just thinking about it all. Then I have to remind myself that the greatest commandment for my life is to "Love the Lord my God with all of the heart, soul, and mind and to love my neighbor as myself." How do I do that with all of these distractions in my life? I SO want my mind to be always focused on Him. I want to bring Him into my day to day tasks and desires. Some days this is easier than others! AND, I want to remember that Christ is satisfied in me alone and not in my accomplishments...that is one of the hardest ones of all to accept completely.
BALANCE- It just comes up SO much and in EVERY area of my life. I want to find balance in remembering Rich, but also moving on with my future. I know Christ wants me to live in the here and now with an eternal perspective. Yet, I also never want to forget the person that knew me better than I often knew myself at times. I want Ethan to grow up knowing his daddy and what he desired for his son. It saddens my heart when I try to remember certain experiences we had together and I can't remember the details or even the event at all. Rich was always the one with the amazing memory in our relationship. He remembered every date and often even the specific time of special occasions. It would amaze me how he could read through a huge book on the Vietnam War in a couple of nights and actually recall specific details months later. I would not have even enjoyed reading it in the first place, let alone remember anything I read! So, where is the balance? As I begin to go through his belongings, what do I keep and what do I part with? Part of me wants to save so much for Ethan. But at the same time, what kid wants or needs 12 ball caps that belonged to his dad? It has been such a comfort for me to be surrounded by his things...parts of who he was. Yet, as time passes, they are beginning to become just that- THINGS. Yes, some of them DO represent who he was and what he loved, but they didn't really make him who he was. As I linger over each item, I find myself being flooded with memories. Some make me laugh (even out loud!), others make me cry, and then there are even the feelings of frustration and then guilt for feeling that way when I can't really be mad at someone who it not even here! Rich IS and will always be a part of me. God used him in my life to help shape me into who I am today. At the beginning, there was a part of me that wished I had never married him so that I would not have endured the pain of losing him. Today, I would never say that. I would do it all over again...even if I knew I would lose him. I'm so thankful that I was able to be a part of God's master plan for Rich's life. What a privilege it was to be his wife and friend. I will ALWAYS have memories of him and part of me is who I am today because of the way God used him to shape, mold, and refine me.
Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to know, love, and be a part of Rich's life. I pray you will remind me often that you are and will always be my FIRST love and that I will never lose you. Thank you for using Rich to show me just a taste of what unconditional love is and for continuing to put people in my life that shower me with friendship, love, and prayer.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Furaha
Furaha is a Swahili word meaning "Joy" It has been a "life word" for me that I discovered my first year in college. I liked the sound of it and I LOVED the meaning. One of my favorite life verses has always been Nehemiah 8:10 "The joy of the Lord is your strength"
A quote I have had on my mirror or on my wall for SO long is "Happiness is based on Circumstances, but Joy is based on God." I LOVE THAT! It is SO true and has proven to be true in my life over and over again. It is ONLY with a relationship with God that one can experience joy even in the midst of tears and heartache. It is ONLY with God that I can honestly say, "Thank you, Lord, for the trials I face now and for whatever trials you have lovingly planned for my future." It is only with this joy that Job could literally lose everything that was of value to him and STILL fall on his face and worship God. I am FAR from being a "Job", but I long to have that kind of faith and perfect trust and TRUE joy!!
I don't always have an optimistic outlook on life (as I am sure you have read or even experienced one-on-one with me). But, I try to thrive in the moments that I am thinking positively and allow God to use those moments to shape me and REMIND me of who HE is. My life has changed in what many would say the worst of ways. Yet, God has not changed. He is the one thing in my life that will NEVER change...and for that I am SO thankful!! Yes, there are days that I would agree with some and say, "It's not fair. I didn't choose this. I hurt. I am lonely. This is hard. What were you thinking, God, allowing this to happen to me? Do you really think that I can handle this?" And yet, I can honestly say that I have NEVER thought that God made a mistake. His character has never changed through it all. As I stated in my speech at SHHS baccalaureate, "The day Rich Heyroth entered this world, God KNEW the day he would be leaving it as well." Because I live in an imperfect world, I have to live with suffering and imperfect circumstances that surround me. It must sadden my Lord's heart so greatly too. He desires the best for my life...I truly believe that; even when I don't always understand what that looks like or can even begin to grasp what the whole picture is all about. I CAN say that it is through the trials that I have grown a deeper appreciation for what it means to let God truly love me, FULLY love me. It has made me more aware of my needs and has pushed me to seek Him and ask for help. (Not exactly an area that is a strong point in my life.) Without trials, are we really able to experience the fullness of relying on God? I can say that I have never been so vulnerable or in desparate need as I have been through this trial in my life. I also know that I have an even greater appreciation for life each and every day.
Lord, I pray that I will consider it pure joy whenever I face trials of ANY kind and that you may be brought glory in my life!
James 1:2-4
Psalm 71:14-15
But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure.
A quote I have had on my mirror or on my wall for SO long is "Happiness is based on Circumstances, but Joy is based on God." I LOVE THAT! It is SO true and has proven to be true in my life over and over again. It is ONLY with a relationship with God that one can experience joy even in the midst of tears and heartache. It is ONLY with God that I can honestly say, "Thank you, Lord, for the trials I face now and for whatever trials you have lovingly planned for my future." It is only with this joy that Job could literally lose everything that was of value to him and STILL fall on his face and worship God. I am FAR from being a "Job", but I long to have that kind of faith and perfect trust and TRUE joy!!
I don't always have an optimistic outlook on life (as I am sure you have read or even experienced one-on-one with me). But, I try to thrive in the moments that I am thinking positively and allow God to use those moments to shape me and REMIND me of who HE is. My life has changed in what many would say the worst of ways. Yet, God has not changed. He is the one thing in my life that will NEVER change...and for that I am SO thankful!! Yes, there are days that I would agree with some and say, "It's not fair. I didn't choose this. I hurt. I am lonely. This is hard. What were you thinking, God, allowing this to happen to me? Do you really think that I can handle this?" And yet, I can honestly say that I have NEVER thought that God made a mistake. His character has never changed through it all. As I stated in my speech at SHHS baccalaureate, "The day Rich Heyroth entered this world, God KNEW the day he would be leaving it as well." Because I live in an imperfect world, I have to live with suffering and imperfect circumstances that surround me. It must sadden my Lord's heart so greatly too. He desires the best for my life...I truly believe that; even when I don't always understand what that looks like or can even begin to grasp what the whole picture is all about. I CAN say that it is through the trials that I have grown a deeper appreciation for what it means to let God truly love me, FULLY love me. It has made me more aware of my needs and has pushed me to seek Him and ask for help. (Not exactly an area that is a strong point in my life.) Without trials, are we really able to experience the fullness of relying on God? I can say that I have never been so vulnerable or in desparate need as I have been through this trial in my life. I also know that I have an even greater appreciation for life each and every day.
Lord, I pray that I will consider it pure joy whenever I face trials of ANY kind and that you may be brought glory in my life!
James 1:2-4
Psalm 71:14-15
But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure.
Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Never underestimate the power of friendship!
Wow! I have really been blown away by the amazing friends God has placed in my path along the way in each stage of my life...but esp. over the course of this past year. There are many levels of friendship, but I feel like I have experienced them all! I could seriously write a whole book about the way people have reached out to me and provided for me on ALL levels! I have been SO touched by cards, phone calls, prayer, financial gifts, anonymous gifts, acts of service, flowers, hugs, gift cards, smiles, emails, more prayer, verses (so powerful), thoughtful words, time set aside, playdates, food, surprises, more prayer, special deliveries from my little angels, hand-me downs for Ethan, a home makeover, a fence put up in my yard, more cards and prayer, and absolute proof of God's provision! As I look back over the past year, I am utterly amazed at how generous everyone has been and know that there is NO way I would ever be able to really put into words how very thankful I am. It is because of God and the way He used these people in my life that I have survived. At times, I feel like it was all kind of a blur. There were times when I felt like I was truly having an out-of-body experience and I was just going through the motions making sure Ethan was dressed, fed, and somewhat clean. (He is ALL boy!) There have been new friends and old friends that have been made through this process. I have been blessed to see and experience first-hand what it means to genuinely have the spiritual gifts of encouragement and giving. I have had people that I barely knew, or didn't even know at all treat me with such love, compassion, and generosity. I know this may sound like a cliche, but I have truly seen Jesus in others around me.
Some of these people will never receive the thanks that is due to them (at least not here on earth). Yes, I tried to stay organized and write down every gift and detail, but in the shuffle of keeping all of the business paperwork straight and just trying to survive, I know there were some lost in the moment. Honestly, I don't even remember much of what happened that first couple of months. I do remember spending a LOT of time on the phone with different companies, businesses, state offices, insurance, mortgage company, etc. etc. I remember having to explain over and over what had happened to my husband and collecting information and mailing in yet another "certified" copy of the death certificate before some companies would even talk to me! I remember organizing funeral arrangements and trying so hard to keep it all together for Ethan's sake. I clearly remember going to the morgue and sitting there for what seemed like hours only to have them tell me that they would strongly advise against me viewing my husband. I remember thinking this over and understanding where they were coming from, but convincing them that I needed to see his hand. I remember Ethan standing at the front door of our house and saying "Dada, Dada" over and over again as I would remove him from the door and go into another room to sob. I remember forcing myself to return to my bedroom night after night and pouring over scripture as I would cry like I had never cried before. I remember waking up on my tear stained pillow and asking God for strength to face yet another day as I would hear my sweet little boy calling out, "Mama" as he waited so cheerfully for me to come get him early each morning. I remember an AMAZING group of friends that put together a scrapbook of memories of Rich before the memorial service had even taken place! (Affectionately now known as "The Daddy Book") I remember trying to gather every picture I could get my hands on so that I could share it with the world and Rich would never be forgotten. I remember the memorial service and how many friends were there to support me and remember my sweet, Rich. I remember the beautiful music and how I felt like heaven had become that much closer to me. I remember seeing many "God moments" where I would just KNOW God was still involved in it all and had not forsaken me! And most of all, I remember the FRIENDS he placed in my life to love me, care for me, hold me, and provide for me!
"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all of my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phil. 1:3-6)
The friendships continue to change. Some were just there for a time and have passed on. I know God put them there just when I needed them. Others have blossomed and grown into even deeper friendships. I know some will definitely be life-long friends no matter what season of life I am going through. I am grateful for each and every one and am blessed beyond what I could ever ask or imagine. I can't wait to spend eternity with my friends, my Richie, and my Savior!
This face pretty much sums up how I feel about my friends!
Some of these people will never receive the thanks that is due to them (at least not here on earth). Yes, I tried to stay organized and write down every gift and detail, but in the shuffle of keeping all of the business paperwork straight and just trying to survive, I know there were some lost in the moment. Honestly, I don't even remember much of what happened that first couple of months. I do remember spending a LOT of time on the phone with different companies, businesses, state offices, insurance, mortgage company, etc. etc. I remember having to explain over and over what had happened to my husband and collecting information and mailing in yet another "certified" copy of the death certificate before some companies would even talk to me! I remember organizing funeral arrangements and trying so hard to keep it all together for Ethan's sake. I clearly remember going to the morgue and sitting there for what seemed like hours only to have them tell me that they would strongly advise against me viewing my husband. I remember thinking this over and understanding where they were coming from, but convincing them that I needed to see his hand. I remember Ethan standing at the front door of our house and saying "Dada, Dada" over and over again as I would remove him from the door and go into another room to sob. I remember forcing myself to return to my bedroom night after night and pouring over scripture as I would cry like I had never cried before. I remember waking up on my tear stained pillow and asking God for strength to face yet another day as I would hear my sweet little boy calling out, "Mama" as he waited so cheerfully for me to come get him early each morning. I remember an AMAZING group of friends that put together a scrapbook of memories of Rich before the memorial service had even taken place! (Affectionately now known as "The Daddy Book") I remember trying to gather every picture I could get my hands on so that I could share it with the world and Rich would never be forgotten. I remember the memorial service and how many friends were there to support me and remember my sweet, Rich. I remember the beautiful music and how I felt like heaven had become that much closer to me. I remember seeing many "God moments" where I would just KNOW God was still involved in it all and had not forsaken me! And most of all, I remember the FRIENDS he placed in my life to love me, care for me, hold me, and provide for me!
"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all of my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phil. 1:3-6)
The friendships continue to change. Some were just there for a time and have passed on. I know God put them there just when I needed them. Others have blossomed and grown into even deeper friendships. I know some will definitely be life-long friends no matter what season of life I am going through. I am grateful for each and every one and am blessed beyond what I could ever ask or imagine. I can't wait to spend eternity with my friends, my Richie, and my Savior!
This face pretty much sums up how I feel about my friends!
Worship
Cooperate worship is an awesome experience and one I look forward to experiencing for eternity standing before Jesus! I have always had a love for worship. I know there are many forms of worship, but singing, playing the guitar, playing the piano~musical forms of worship touch my heart in a deep place. It is through music that I have been able to express myself openly before God and through others' music that I have often heard Him speak directly to my heart!
It was (and still is) so hard at times to sing certain songs and words to God. I never want to enter into worship lightly. I want every word that comes out of my mouth to be honest and true. This is sometimes hard...VERY hard. Sometimes when I don't "feel" truth, I force myself to speak or sing truth because then I can learn to accept it. Going back to church and entering into cooperate worship immediately after Rich's death was SO hard. I didn't want to break down in front of everyone. Yet, at times it was impossible. It still can hit me at the most inconvenient moments...like at a wedding when we are praising God together.
Sometimes when all I want to be doing is focusing on God, I just think about Rich and the songs we would sing together. His favorites quickly became my favorites and vice versa. Other times, I am so free of any pain, and the song will bring up a memory or talk about the saints worshiping God before His throne and all I can picture is Rich. This makes me SO happy and so sad all at the same time.
Rich had an incredible gift with music! He could strum anything out on the guitar or piano all naturally, just using the gift of his ear! Oh, how I miss him picking up his guitar in the evenings and just picking out this or strumming that. I want Ethan to grow up with music and the sound of it filling our house and our hearts with joy. I am a cheap substitute as I attempt to play worship songs on the guitar with the five chords that I know. I so wish I had video taped his father more! I only have a few excerpts of him here and there, Christmas, the beach, and the most precious- I hid outside Ethan's bedroom door and videotaped him reading to him before bed. I ache as I think of what Ethan will be missing out on as he grows up without his daddy. I try so hard to trust in the scripture that states God will be a father to the fatherless. Honestly, sometimes I just want a daddy for Ethan with skin on him right here, right now!
Oh, Lord, help me to trust you with my WHOLE heart and with my life AND my son's life and future. I long to worship you without the tightness in my throat and the tears streaming down my face. I know that You also wept openly when your friend died. When did you stop?
I am going to rely on a verse I learned as a small child today..."Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." (Prov. 3:5-6)
It was (and still is) so hard at times to sing certain songs and words to God. I never want to enter into worship lightly. I want every word that comes out of my mouth to be honest and true. This is sometimes hard...VERY hard. Sometimes when I don't "feel" truth, I force myself to speak or sing truth because then I can learn to accept it. Going back to church and entering into cooperate worship immediately after Rich's death was SO hard. I didn't want to break down in front of everyone. Yet, at times it was impossible. It still can hit me at the most inconvenient moments...like at a wedding when we are praising God together.
Sometimes when all I want to be doing is focusing on God, I just think about Rich and the songs we would sing together. His favorites quickly became my favorites and vice versa. Other times, I am so free of any pain, and the song will bring up a memory or talk about the saints worshiping God before His throne and all I can picture is Rich. This makes me SO happy and so sad all at the same time.
Rich had an incredible gift with music! He could strum anything out on the guitar or piano all naturally, just using the gift of his ear! Oh, how I miss him picking up his guitar in the evenings and just picking out this or strumming that. I want Ethan to grow up with music and the sound of it filling our house and our hearts with joy. I am a cheap substitute as I attempt to play worship songs on the guitar with the five chords that I know. I so wish I had video taped his father more! I only have a few excerpts of him here and there, Christmas, the beach, and the most precious- I hid outside Ethan's bedroom door and videotaped him reading to him before bed. I ache as I think of what Ethan will be missing out on as he grows up without his daddy. I try so hard to trust in the scripture that states God will be a father to the fatherless. Honestly, sometimes I just want a daddy for Ethan with skin on him right here, right now!
Oh, Lord, help me to trust you with my WHOLE heart and with my life AND my son's life and future. I long to worship you without the tightness in my throat and the tears streaming down my face. I know that You also wept openly when your friend died. When did you stop?
I am going to rely on a verse I learned as a small child today..."Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." (Prov. 3:5-6)
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Another Day...
Some days just making it through the day feels like an awesome accomplishment! Today started out SO great with a refreshing time in the Word and a happy heart full of hope. Sometimes it is those beginnings that end in disaster. I wouldn't say that today was a complete disaster, but it just wasn't the kind of Saturday I looked forward to in the past.
I used to view Saturdays as a day to work hard and play hard. Rich would often begin the day by forcing me to stay in bed and actually sleep in a bit while he would make Sat. brunch. He used to talk about how when we had kids he would make sure this was mommy's morning to just do what I wanted while he would take over. When Ethan was just a newborn, he would often bring me breakfast in bed on Sat. mornings...yes, I know. I was completely spoiled! :-) Then, we would together tackle our list of to-do projects around the house or yard. Being a to-do type of person made this a very exciting day as I would cross off tasks from my list! (Hey, what can I say? It is the little things in life that excite me!) Then, we would often just completely bum out with a movie or meet up with friends or family on Sat. night. I loved Saturdays!! Sometimes Rich would have to work at Timberline on Sat, so we would always reserve our Sunday afternoons for just us! Another day I looked forward to each week...starting out with church together, lunch together, and then often a Sunday siesta!
Well, now I have to accept that my Saturdays look a lot different. First of all, the together factor is completely missing. The realization that my social life is disappearing is becoming more and more evident in my life as well. I struggle to know where exactly I fit in at times. I still have AMAZING friends...but of course, many of them are couples with their families. I also have some great single friends who are very spontaneous and don't often plan ahead. (Fun! But not so easy with a toddler in tow!) I love to be social, but honestly, it was Rich that was the party planner in our relationship. I would prepare the house and the food and HE would invite the people. Again, I wonder??? Is this just partly the stage of life that I am in?
I am also learning to let go of the "getting things done" mentality. After spending 45 minutes calming my son down from a MAJOR melt down today and at least 20 more minutes trying to fix those darn closet doors again, I decided my to-do list was just not a priority. I also got the opportunity to watch my two nieces today for about 4 hours, went to the bank, the grocery store, the gas station to buy oil, broke a glass all over the kitchen floor, cleaned sand off of my son and nieces, and prepared lunch for four. So, I guess I should be happy that I actually got the laundry done, the dishes done, and the kitchen floor swept and mopped! It may not be a HUGE list of things to check off, but I am still setting it all aside and FORCING myself to relax a bit tonight. I think it is time to crack open the new book I got at the library "Creative Correction". ;-)
"Strength comes from choosing to fully trust, pray, and praise. Our circumstances may not change, but in the process we change."
Good reminder for me today!! I KNOW I need some refining, so am continuing to learn what it truly means to trust and to pray and praise God along the way!!
Ethan tidbit- We did end the day with Ethan enjoying a small bowl of chocolate pudding with whipped cream and a cherry on top! I told him I was SO happy he had been in my life for 26 months today and that we should celebrate. I was about to ask him what he would like to do, just for fun to see what he would say. Before I even had a chance, he said, "cake & ice cream!" I told him we would save that for his year celebrations! :-)
I used to view Saturdays as a day to work hard and play hard. Rich would often begin the day by forcing me to stay in bed and actually sleep in a bit while he would make Sat. brunch. He used to talk about how when we had kids he would make sure this was mommy's morning to just do what I wanted while he would take over. When Ethan was just a newborn, he would often bring me breakfast in bed on Sat. mornings...yes, I know. I was completely spoiled! :-) Then, we would together tackle our list of to-do projects around the house or yard. Being a to-do type of person made this a very exciting day as I would cross off tasks from my list! (Hey, what can I say? It is the little things in life that excite me!) Then, we would often just completely bum out with a movie or meet up with friends or family on Sat. night. I loved Saturdays!! Sometimes Rich would have to work at Timberline on Sat, so we would always reserve our Sunday afternoons for just us! Another day I looked forward to each week...starting out with church together, lunch together, and then often a Sunday siesta!
Well, now I have to accept that my Saturdays look a lot different. First of all, the together factor is completely missing. The realization that my social life is disappearing is becoming more and more evident in my life as well. I struggle to know where exactly I fit in at times. I still have AMAZING friends...but of course, many of them are couples with their families. I also have some great single friends who are very spontaneous and don't often plan ahead. (Fun! But not so easy with a toddler in tow!) I love to be social, but honestly, it was Rich that was the party planner in our relationship. I would prepare the house and the food and HE would invite the people. Again, I wonder??? Is this just partly the stage of life that I am in?
I am also learning to let go of the "getting things done" mentality. After spending 45 minutes calming my son down from a MAJOR melt down today and at least 20 more minutes trying to fix those darn closet doors again, I decided my to-do list was just not a priority. I also got the opportunity to watch my two nieces today for about 4 hours, went to the bank, the grocery store, the gas station to buy oil, broke a glass all over the kitchen floor, cleaned sand off of my son and nieces, and prepared lunch for four. So, I guess I should be happy that I actually got the laundry done, the dishes done, and the kitchen floor swept and mopped! It may not be a HUGE list of things to check off, but I am still setting it all aside and FORCING myself to relax a bit tonight. I think it is time to crack open the new book I got at the library "Creative Correction". ;-)
"Strength comes from choosing to fully trust, pray, and praise. Our circumstances may not change, but in the process we change."
Good reminder for me today!! I KNOW I need some refining, so am continuing to learn what it truly means to trust and to pray and praise God along the way!!
Ethan tidbit- We did end the day with Ethan enjoying a small bowl of chocolate pudding with whipped cream and a cherry on top! I told him I was SO happy he had been in my life for 26 months today and that we should celebrate. I was about to ask him what he would like to do, just for fun to see what he would say. Before I even had a chance, he said, "cake & ice cream!" I told him we would save that for his year celebrations! :-)
Celebrating life!
Rich was SO very in love with his son, Ethan! He was one of the proudest dads I have ever seen. I knew he would be a good dad and that was one of the things that first attracted me to him. But, when Ethan was born, he blew me away! He absolutely adored him! He would take him with him to Lowe's when he was only a month old to teach him about "manly things". He would have him sit outside in the exersaucer and let him watch him mow the grass. He loved to take him everywhere! Partly, he just wanted to show him off, and partly he wanted to give me "mommy breaks". He was always so thoughtful about this and I loved him for it!
One thing he loved to do was to celebrate EVERY month that Ethan was with us. We would do something special every month on the 19th. I kind of think that sometimes it was just a good excuse to go out to eat :-), but it still was a celebration! Today Ethan is 26 months old! I have decided to continue with this tradition. Why not celebrate life?!! I can't do something BIG every month, but a little something to remind Ethan how very special he is to me and thank God for life! We really don't go out to eat much ~ partly due to the expense, and partly due to the fact that going out to eat with a toddler by yourself is not always a fun, and definitely not a relaxing experience. I'm not sure what I'll do today to celebrate life, but the 19th will always be a good reminder for me to thank God for each and every day!!
"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!" (Psalm 118:24)
One thing he loved to do was to celebrate EVERY month that Ethan was with us. We would do something special every month on the 19th. I kind of think that sometimes it was just a good excuse to go out to eat :-), but it still was a celebration! Today Ethan is 26 months old! I have decided to continue with this tradition. Why not celebrate life?!! I can't do something BIG every month, but a little something to remind Ethan how very special he is to me and thank God for life! We really don't go out to eat much ~ partly due to the expense, and partly due to the fact that going out to eat with a toddler by yourself is not always a fun, and definitely not a relaxing experience. I'm not sure what I'll do today to celebrate life, but the 19th will always be a good reminder for me to thank God for each and every day!!
"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!" (Psalm 118:24)
My Morning Prayer
Oh God, for another day, for another morning, for another hour, for another minute, for another chance to live and serve Thee, I am truly grateful."
Do Thou this day free me
Do Thou this day free me
from all fear of the future,
from all anxiety about tomorrow,
from all bitterness towards any one,
from all cowardice in face of danger,
from all laziness in the face of work,
from all failure before opportunity,
from all weakness when Thy power is at hand.
But fill me
with Love that knows no barrier,
with Sympathy that reaches to all,
with Courage that cannot be shaken,
with Faith strong enough for the darkness,
with Strength sufficient for my tasks,
with Loyalty to Thy Kingdom's goal,
with Wisdom to meet life's complexities,
with Power to lift me to Thee.
Be Thou with me for another day, and use me as Thou wilt.
from all anxiety about tomorrow,
from all bitterness towards any one,
from all cowardice in face of danger,
from all laziness in the face of work,
from all failure before opportunity,
from all weakness when Thy power is at hand.
But fill me
with Love that knows no barrier,
with Sympathy that reaches to all,
with Courage that cannot be shaken,
with Faith strong enough for the darkness,
with Strength sufficient for my tasks,
with Loyalty to Thy Kingdom's goal,
with Wisdom to meet life's complexities,
with Power to lift me to Thee.
Be Thou with me for another day, and use me as Thou wilt.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Remembering the Past...Beginning a new future
July 15th would have been our 8th wedding anniversary. So many happy memories surround this day and time of year. We had an amazing wedding surrounded by all of the people we love so dearly. I remember being just giddy on this day. I could hardly wait for Hank to pronounce us husband and wife. All of the planning up to this day didn't even matter anymore. I didn't care how things looked or where people stood...I just wanted to be married to this amazing man standing by my side. Honestly, I tried to listen to all that was said, but it was hard to concentrate. (It was a good thing we had it all recorded on a video to watch later!) :-)
We had SO much fun at the reception and were enjoying our friends and each other for hours into the night. Finally, my mom had to come up and tell us that people were ready to leave, but were waiting on us! We just had wanted to soak in the biggest party of our lives here on earth as much as we could. When we did get away, it was SO fun to go away and realize that we now were married!
It took us a while to soak in the fact that we were married! We started off our honeymoon slow...staying in KC and just relaxing and resting after the big production. We stayed there Sat. and Sun. night and flew out on Monday morning. Rich had planned the whole thing and surprised me with the details! I didn't have any idea where we were going until we flew into Newark, NJ. It was then that I figured out we must be going to Maine. I was SO excited. When we had first been dating, I had seen slides of Maine (where Rich was born) and it was so beautiful. My favorite part was that it had the ocean AND the mountains...the best of both worlds! I had said, "I hope to go there someday!" and here I was. We stayed in a bed & breakfast - Long Lake Inn. We were almost the only people there and the older couple that ran it were so sweet to us! We went on a boat ride, picked wild blueberries, raspberries, and took hikes all around. We drove along the shore and went to the beach---a little cold, but still took a dip in the ocean! It was a perfect beginning to spending the rest of our lives together.
I have SO many amazing memories to fill the next 7 years, but I know that now I need to concentrate on making NEW memories as well. I'm so thankful that I will always have a part of Rich in my life through not only memories, but our precious son, Ethan!
For our anniversary, I decided to take Ethan to the Great Wolf Lodge. Rich and I had talked about how we would like to take our kids there someday. Ethan LOVES water and I knew this would be a good place to go...somewhere away from home. We had a GREAT time! Aunt Holly joined us for the evening and night and Uncle "Buff" joined us for the evening as well. It was not only a good distraction, but I had FUN!! I loved playing in the water and soaking up some sun while watching Ethan smile, laugh, and run through the fountains and speed down the slides. I think it is going to become an annual tradition.
We spent the next night at my sister, Sarah's house. They were away for the evening and so Ethan and I went to a nearby park and played and then, since we were both exhausted from playing in the sun and water for the past 24 hours, went to bed early. We spent the next day at Wonderscope- A children's museum. It was really a great mini vacation! It was nice to know that I could still go on vacations and enjoy some time away even if it was just with Ethan.
There are some days that I think, "I can do this single-mom thing". I KNOW that in Christ I can do ALL things. For that, I am so very thankful!! There are other moments that I am still a bit overwhelmed knowing that I am 100% responsible for caring for my son and for helping him to grow into the man that God desires him to be. I just read the other day about how important it is for boys to hear their father's voices reading to them because men read differently AND that having it modeled before them by both their mothers and their fathers helps children to grow up with a love for reading. Sigh!! I really should stop reading so much!! :-) Rich loved to read, but I was always reading informational material and how-to books. He would come home from work and I would share something and he would say, "Where did you read that?" with a smile. I think the only book that I can trust 100% with my heart is God's Word. I need to continue to lay my fears and hopes for my future at His feet!!
He has proven to me that the world doesn't know it all!! Everything I read about being a widow said that many of your friends would leave you b/c they wouldn't know what to say or how to relate to you any more. It also says that they will start to stop "being there for you" over time. Well, God has proven that statistic to be wrong in my life!! I have been surrounded by friends like never before in my life. I STILL receive cards, prayers, emails, and even financial gifts. God IS faithful and will provide for my needs. Yes, maybe it is not as much as on Aug. 8th or 9th of 2007, but it is as much as I need in the moment at JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT!!
Thank you, God, for continuing to be my everything! One of my favorite verses that I have written at the front of my prayer journal was sent to me in card just this week...
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him" (I Cor. 2:9)
Another encouraging card I received this week had this verse...
"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build you up again." (Jer. 31:3)
I am holding on to these hopes in my life!!
"Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt His name together. I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him, and He delivers them. Taste and see that the Lord is good; Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him." (Psalm 34: 3,4, 7,8)
The Pslams will continue to give me great comfort and rest each night. I can't go to bed without reading one of them!!
We had SO much fun at the reception and were enjoying our friends and each other for hours into the night. Finally, my mom had to come up and tell us that people were ready to leave, but were waiting on us! We just had wanted to soak in the biggest party of our lives here on earth as much as we could. When we did get away, it was SO fun to go away and realize that we now were married!
It took us a while to soak in the fact that we were married! We started off our honeymoon slow...staying in KC and just relaxing and resting after the big production. We stayed there Sat. and Sun. night and flew out on Monday morning. Rich had planned the whole thing and surprised me with the details! I didn't have any idea where we were going until we flew into Newark, NJ. It was then that I figured out we must be going to Maine. I was SO excited. When we had first been dating, I had seen slides of Maine (where Rich was born) and it was so beautiful. My favorite part was that it had the ocean AND the mountains...the best of both worlds! I had said, "I hope to go there someday!" and here I was. We stayed in a bed & breakfast - Long Lake Inn. We were almost the only people there and the older couple that ran it were so sweet to us! We went on a boat ride, picked wild blueberries, raspberries, and took hikes all around. We drove along the shore and went to the beach---a little cold, but still took a dip in the ocean! It was a perfect beginning to spending the rest of our lives together.
I have SO many amazing memories to fill the next 7 years, but I know that now I need to concentrate on making NEW memories as well. I'm so thankful that I will always have a part of Rich in my life through not only memories, but our precious son, Ethan!
For our anniversary, I decided to take Ethan to the Great Wolf Lodge. Rich and I had talked about how we would like to take our kids there someday. Ethan LOVES water and I knew this would be a good place to go...somewhere away from home. We had a GREAT time! Aunt Holly joined us for the evening and night and Uncle "Buff" joined us for the evening as well. It was not only a good distraction, but I had FUN!! I loved playing in the water and soaking up some sun while watching Ethan smile, laugh, and run through the fountains and speed down the slides. I think it is going to become an annual tradition.
We spent the next night at my sister, Sarah's house. They were away for the evening and so Ethan and I went to a nearby park and played and then, since we were both exhausted from playing in the sun and water for the past 24 hours, went to bed early. We spent the next day at Wonderscope- A children's museum. It was really a great mini vacation! It was nice to know that I could still go on vacations and enjoy some time away even if it was just with Ethan.
There are some days that I think, "I can do this single-mom thing". I KNOW that in Christ I can do ALL things. For that, I am so very thankful!! There are other moments that I am still a bit overwhelmed knowing that I am 100% responsible for caring for my son and for helping him to grow into the man that God desires him to be. I just read the other day about how important it is for boys to hear their father's voices reading to them because men read differently AND that having it modeled before them by both their mothers and their fathers helps children to grow up with a love for reading. Sigh!! I really should stop reading so much!! :-) Rich loved to read, but I was always reading informational material and how-to books. He would come home from work and I would share something and he would say, "Where did you read that?" with a smile. I think the only book that I can trust 100% with my heart is God's Word. I need to continue to lay my fears and hopes for my future at His feet!!
He has proven to me that the world doesn't know it all!! Everything I read about being a widow said that many of your friends would leave you b/c they wouldn't know what to say or how to relate to you any more. It also says that they will start to stop "being there for you" over time. Well, God has proven that statistic to be wrong in my life!! I have been surrounded by friends like never before in my life. I STILL receive cards, prayers, emails, and even financial gifts. God IS faithful and will provide for my needs. Yes, maybe it is not as much as on Aug. 8th or 9th of 2007, but it is as much as I need in the moment at JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT!!
Thank you, God, for continuing to be my everything! One of my favorite verses that I have written at the front of my prayer journal was sent to me in card just this week...
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him" (I Cor. 2:9)
Another encouraging card I received this week had this verse...
"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build you up again." (Jer. 31:3)
I am holding on to these hopes in my life!!
"Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt His name together. I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him, and He delivers them. Taste and see that the Lord is good; Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him." (Psalm 34: 3,4, 7,8)
The Pslams will continue to give me great comfort and rest each night. I can't go to bed without reading one of them!!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Putting the Pride Aside
It was on Friday that I finally decided and actually pursued the first steps to counseling. I made a phone call at the beginning of it all. The counselor was nice enough to email and leave a message or two on my phone...but I never got back to her. I think I was scared ~ scared of what I might actually discover about myself and scared to admit that I HAD a problem and that I was experiencing pain more excruciating than I had ever felt before. I began Grief Share (a Christian support group/bible study) at my church and assumed that was enough.
Well, it has been almost a year, and though I HAVE been healing and growing, I know there is so much more that needs to be uncovered and faced. I just can't seem to bring it all to the surface on my own. It is much easier to stuff it and then cry it all out when I am alone late at night. So, it is time. Time to realize that I can't do it on my own. God even commands that we seek counsel and wisdom from others. So, I am going to begin the process. I took the first step and made a contact.
Now I need to follow through.
I plan to tell my Bible study group so I have some accountability. Just thought I should get it out on my blog too so I can look back and hopefully see some more progress in my life.
Well, it has been almost a year, and though I HAVE been healing and growing, I know there is so much more that needs to be uncovered and faced. I just can't seem to bring it all to the surface on my own. It is much easier to stuff it and then cry it all out when I am alone late at night. So, it is time. Time to realize that I can't do it on my own. God even commands that we seek counsel and wisdom from others. So, I am going to begin the process. I took the first step and made a contact.
Now I need to follow through.
I plan to tell my Bible study group so I have some accountability. Just thought I should get it out on my blog too so I can look back and hopefully see some more progress in my life.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Overwhelmed
Well, today was definitely not a day of "Perfect Trust". I was overwhelmed with the responsibility of raising my son on my own. I was feeling consumed with thoughts of sadness, loneliness, and inadequacy. Am I really giving Ethan the best life he deserves? He needs more than just me...he needs a daddy and a "sane" mommy! I spent most of my morning sending him to time-out. At nap time, I was just angry at him because all I wanted to do was take a nap and he was NOT napping. He was, in fact, destroying his bedroom! He even somehow managed to get the closet doors off of their rollers. I almost started crying because I couldn't get the doors back on their tracks. All I could think of was, "Rich would have been able to fix this with no problem."
I know part of my frustration today was just the normal feeling of being a mom. I get confused between those feelings and my grief sometimes. I think they are very closely intertwined. I dreamed of nothing more than being a mommy as I grew up. When that dream finally came true (after years of infertility issues) I was SO happy. Now I just keep thinking, "This is not what I had in mind...being a single mom. I dreamed of a big family with lots of kids and my wonderful supportive husband. I realize that I tend to be a bit idealistic, but this?!!
Tonight I have had to stop and really think...by not thinking I can do this, I am believing the lie that God made a mistake. He KNEW that this was going to happen. He knew that I would finally have a child, lose my husband, and be a mom on my own. He also KNOWS that I can do it, not alone, but with His strength and direction...of which I need SO much!!
"Whatever is TRUE, whatever is NOBLE, whatever is RIGHT, whatever is LOVELY, whatever is PURE, whatever is admirable- think about such things." Phil. 4:8
Okay, God--help me to think about such things! I truly desire to know you more personally than I could ever imagine. Please help me to focus on things above and to show Ethan what it means to have true joy that could only come from you. Continue to shape me into the mother and woman that you desire for me to be!
I know part of my frustration today was just the normal feeling of being a mom. I get confused between those feelings and my grief sometimes. I think they are very closely intertwined. I dreamed of nothing more than being a mommy as I grew up. When that dream finally came true (after years of infertility issues) I was SO happy. Now I just keep thinking, "This is not what I had in mind...being a single mom. I dreamed of a big family with lots of kids and my wonderful supportive husband. I realize that I tend to be a bit idealistic, but this?!!
Tonight I have had to stop and really think...by not thinking I can do this, I am believing the lie that God made a mistake. He KNEW that this was going to happen. He knew that I would finally have a child, lose my husband, and be a mom on my own. He also KNOWS that I can do it, not alone, but with His strength and direction...of which I need SO much!!
"Whatever is TRUE, whatever is NOBLE, whatever is RIGHT, whatever is LOVELY, whatever is PURE, whatever is admirable- think about such things." Phil. 4:8
Okay, God--help me to think about such things! I truly desire to know you more personally than I could ever imagine. Please help me to focus on things above and to show Ethan what it means to have true joy that could only come from you. Continue to shape me into the mother and woman that you desire for me to be!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Blessings
I have realized that every day is going to be a battle. There are so many days I just want to pull the covers over my head and throw myself a big pity party and think about all that I don't have now (my husband, my dreams, my big family, etc) and all that others do have. BUT, I refuse to let Satan get the best of me and so I get out of bed every day, pray that God will fill me with joy and hope (Rom. 15:13) and set a good example for Ethan that day. I want to be the BEST mom I can be and show him that life is good, not because of what we have, but because of WHO we have and what we ARE in Christ!!
So...to do this, I MUST focus on the blessings that surround me.
Thank you, Lord, for showing me that you ARE faithful to provide for my every need. The bills are paid, we have a home, food, and clothes on our backs. I have AMAZING friends and family who have not only helped in this provision, but spoiled us (just as Rich would have done). For that, I am SO thankful!! There has not been a holiday, anniversary, or special occasion that has gone by without others thinking of me. I have received gifts, flowers, visits, cards, monetary gifts, and hugs that I have needed. Some people have even been open enough to share their tears with me. How special it is to see that they care enough to take that on FOR me at times and at other times share it WITH me. God has provided a car that is reliable and safe and even roomy enough for all of our trips to Derby, Texas, or wherever we may be going in the future. I have a house that was renovated by generous donations of time and money from the wonderful people at my church. I have a backyard that is safe for my sweet boy to play in thanks to an amazing group of men that came in and put up a beautiful fence in just a few hours!! I was blessed with someone to mow my lawn from August until the first freeze. I had SO much food brought to my house that I had to give some of it away! I am still using paper goods and bought my first package of diapers after 8 months of provision.
Yet, even when I focus on ALL of the many blessings, if I am completely honest with myself and to God, I have to say...it still hurts. I still struggle with intense fits of loneliness, sadness, and even jealousy of my own dear friends and their families. I don't want to have these feelings and I try my best to give them up to God over and over again. So, I MUST grasp on to truth..."Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed. His mercies are new every morning! Great is Your faithfulness!!"
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
"May the Lord of peace himself give you peace at times in every way." II Thess. 3:16
"God will meet ALL your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:19
So...to do this, I MUST focus on the blessings that surround me.
Thank you, Lord, for showing me that you ARE faithful to provide for my every need. The bills are paid, we have a home, food, and clothes on our backs. I have AMAZING friends and family who have not only helped in this provision, but spoiled us (just as Rich would have done). For that, I am SO thankful!! There has not been a holiday, anniversary, or special occasion that has gone by without others thinking of me. I have received gifts, flowers, visits, cards, monetary gifts, and hugs that I have needed. Some people have even been open enough to share their tears with me. How special it is to see that they care enough to take that on FOR me at times and at other times share it WITH me. God has provided a car that is reliable and safe and even roomy enough for all of our trips to Derby, Texas, or wherever we may be going in the future. I have a house that was renovated by generous donations of time and money from the wonderful people at my church. I have a backyard that is safe for my sweet boy to play in thanks to an amazing group of men that came in and put up a beautiful fence in just a few hours!! I was blessed with someone to mow my lawn from August until the first freeze. I had SO much food brought to my house that I had to give some of it away! I am still using paper goods and bought my first package of diapers after 8 months of provision.
Yet, even when I focus on ALL of the many blessings, if I am completely honest with myself and to God, I have to say...it still hurts. I still struggle with intense fits of loneliness, sadness, and even jealousy of my own dear friends and their families. I don't want to have these feelings and I try my best to give them up to God over and over again. So, I MUST grasp on to truth..."Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed. His mercies are new every morning! Great is Your faithfulness!!"
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
"May the Lord of peace himself give you peace at times in every way." II Thess. 3:16
"God will meet ALL your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:19
Saturday, July 5, 2008
11 Months...
Today marks 11 months since Rich went to live in his eternal home. I miss him incredibly!!!
I decided early on that I was going to do my best to carry on with traditions and begin some new ones as well with Ethan. So, I went ahead and hosted our 6th? annual 4th of July party. It really was a good time and God gave me the strength to not just endure it, but to ENJOY it. What a blessing!! All of my family and many of my closest friends were able to come. I felt like everyone pitched in more than ever this year with the setup and cleanup and it made the whole thing run so smoothly. Also, I have worked really hard on trying to just enjoy the moments and not fret the small things. I didn't even dust or vacuum before everyone came! I figured it would probably be dirtier after everyone left and so why bother?! I ENJOYED the people that surrounded me. What amazing people surrounded me that night...
My Parents- They have been a HUGE source of strength and encouragement to me. My dad immediately began sending me verses and encouraging emails after Rich's death, helping me to focus on God's perspective rather than my completely confused and small perspective. My mom has recently started taking Ethan once or twice a month while I go to appts. and get errands run. They have listened to me cry and prayed with me, laughed with me, and fed me many dinners at their house! My dad helped me keep focused and organized when there were so many details to take care of and has continued to be quick to help out with whatever need I may have...and is an amazing "Papa" and Godly example for Ethan.
My Sister (and family)- Has been SO good to listen to my whys and what ifs and is quick to not always give me the "easy" answer, but pushes me to think about it from an eternal perspective. Stephen (a man of few words) sent me the sweetest letter after Rich's death that was so encouraging and helped me to see that Ethan will not be without Godly men in his life.
My Brother - Has been SO dear to me and has encouraged me with his own life change! What a blessing to see God use something so tragic and make good come from even that. He also calls me almost every day just to see how I am doing and to check if he can do anything for me. He offered to spend the night at my house at the beginning just so I would have him here if I needed him. He has done so many tasks and jobs that I can't even name them all!
Rich's Mom and Dad- They have been so loving and supportive of me from the beginning. They LOVE Ethan so deeply and I also feel loved and accepted as a part of the family. What a blessing!! Rich's Mom is QUICK to offer to help with Ethan and has given me opportunities to get out and enjoy just being me...girl time, shopping, relaxing, having a mommy break. This is something Rich was so good at and so it is special to have his mom take on that role. Rich's Dad never comes to my house without a task in mind. He has helped me with many home improvement tasks and is so good about sharing his hugs and quick to say, "I love you".
Jeff- He has just recently begun to open up and for that I am SO thankful. I have enjoyed our talks and the way he shares about Rich. He is also an amazing "Unca Buff". Ethan adores him!
Holly- I have seen a new side of Holly since Rich's death. She has become such a servant leader. She is quick to serve behind the scenes, always picking up after the family and noticing the "little things" that may be hard for me to communicate. Her sensitive heart has been a true blessing to me and she has become more of a sister than ever before!!
Amy- I feel like I have grown to know Amy so much more, esp. since going through Grief Share with her. She seems to have really grown spiritually and desires to live a "Rich" life!! I love her fun nature and how she knows how to keep things light and make me laugh but also doesn't mind me sharing my heart and tears!
Ben & Joy- Wow!! What life-long friends! They have been amazing in so many ways. They have been more generous than I will probably ever even know. They have given of their time, finances, and hearts. Ben called me regularly at the beginning to just check-in and make sure I was okay and if I ever needed anything. Joy was always sending me encouraging emails. They also were SO generous at Christmas and I know they have given SO much money to the Heyroth Memorial account. It is partly because of them that I was able to live without financial concerns this year.
Matt & Libby- Good friends for life. Libby was quick to be there for my every need. She sent me books, CDs, cards, and has been an amazing prayer warrior. Her friendship has been priceless to me! Matt has been selfless and watched the kids so Libby and I could go out and enjoy some girl time together. He also was quick to fill in and be our grill master for the 4th.
Ed & Rochelle- Another amazing friendship! God has truly blessed me!! Rochelle- A quiet, yet very dear friend. She is one of those people I feel I can trust with my heart. She is easy to talk to and has been quick to encourage me! Ed has been another hard worker fixing things and making my life easier!
Heidi- This girl has been such an encouragement to me and has allowed me to vent, cry, and laugh. She listens to my fears and hopes for my future without judgment. I LOVE that she is ready and willing to hang out with me, esp. when I need a movie buddy. She is also faithful to pursue me even when I am not always available and is one of my most understanding single friends that "gets" the kid thing and even loves to hang out with Ethan involved OR babysit when I need it. Love her!!
GREAT IS YOUR FAITHFULNESS, OH GOD!!!
This is only the beginning of a list of dear friends God has brought my way to help supply all of my needs. How could I ever doubt His provision, when all He ever does is take care of me?!!!
It hasn't been an easy road to travel, but He is quick to carry me over the rough spots and lead me down the right path!!
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. " (James 1:2-4)
"Perfect Trust doesn't alter our circumstances. Perfect Trust in Him changes us!"
I decided early on that I was going to do my best to carry on with traditions and begin some new ones as well with Ethan. So, I went ahead and hosted our 6th? annual 4th of July party. It really was a good time and God gave me the strength to not just endure it, but to ENJOY it. What a blessing!! All of my family and many of my closest friends were able to come. I felt like everyone pitched in more than ever this year with the setup and cleanup and it made the whole thing run so smoothly. Also, I have worked really hard on trying to just enjoy the moments and not fret the small things. I didn't even dust or vacuum before everyone came! I figured it would probably be dirtier after everyone left and so why bother?! I ENJOYED the people that surrounded me. What amazing people surrounded me that night...
My Parents- They have been a HUGE source of strength and encouragement to me. My dad immediately began sending me verses and encouraging emails after Rich's death, helping me to focus on God's perspective rather than my completely confused and small perspective. My mom has recently started taking Ethan once or twice a month while I go to appts. and get errands run. They have listened to me cry and prayed with me, laughed with me, and fed me many dinners at their house! My dad helped me keep focused and organized when there were so many details to take care of and has continued to be quick to help out with whatever need I may have...and is an amazing "Papa" and Godly example for Ethan.
My Sister (and family)- Has been SO good to listen to my whys and what ifs and is quick to not always give me the "easy" answer, but pushes me to think about it from an eternal perspective. Stephen (a man of few words) sent me the sweetest letter after Rich's death that was so encouraging and helped me to see that Ethan will not be without Godly men in his life.
My Brother - Has been SO dear to me and has encouraged me with his own life change! What a blessing to see God use something so tragic and make good come from even that. He also calls me almost every day just to see how I am doing and to check if he can do anything for me. He offered to spend the night at my house at the beginning just so I would have him here if I needed him. He has done so many tasks and jobs that I can't even name them all!
Rich's Mom and Dad- They have been so loving and supportive of me from the beginning. They LOVE Ethan so deeply and I also feel loved and accepted as a part of the family. What a blessing!! Rich's Mom is QUICK to offer to help with Ethan and has given me opportunities to get out and enjoy just being me...girl time, shopping, relaxing, having a mommy break. This is something Rich was so good at and so it is special to have his mom take on that role. Rich's Dad never comes to my house without a task in mind. He has helped me with many home improvement tasks and is so good about sharing his hugs and quick to say, "I love you".
Jeff- He has just recently begun to open up and for that I am SO thankful. I have enjoyed our talks and the way he shares about Rich. He is also an amazing "Unca Buff". Ethan adores him!
Holly- I have seen a new side of Holly since Rich's death. She has become such a servant leader. She is quick to serve behind the scenes, always picking up after the family and noticing the "little things" that may be hard for me to communicate. Her sensitive heart has been a true blessing to me and she has become more of a sister than ever before!!
Amy- I feel like I have grown to know Amy so much more, esp. since going through Grief Share with her. She seems to have really grown spiritually and desires to live a "Rich" life!! I love her fun nature and how she knows how to keep things light and make me laugh but also doesn't mind me sharing my heart and tears!
Ben & Joy- Wow!! What life-long friends! They have been amazing in so many ways. They have been more generous than I will probably ever even know. They have given of their time, finances, and hearts. Ben called me regularly at the beginning to just check-in and make sure I was okay and if I ever needed anything. Joy was always sending me encouraging emails. They also were SO generous at Christmas and I know they have given SO much money to the Heyroth Memorial account. It is partly because of them that I was able to live without financial concerns this year.
Matt & Libby- Good friends for life. Libby was quick to be there for my every need. She sent me books, CDs, cards, and has been an amazing prayer warrior. Her friendship has been priceless to me! Matt has been selfless and watched the kids so Libby and I could go out and enjoy some girl time together. He also was quick to fill in and be our grill master for the 4th.
Ed & Rochelle- Another amazing friendship! God has truly blessed me!! Rochelle- A quiet, yet very dear friend. She is one of those people I feel I can trust with my heart. She is easy to talk to and has been quick to encourage me! Ed has been another hard worker fixing things and making my life easier!
Heidi- This girl has been such an encouragement to me and has allowed me to vent, cry, and laugh. She listens to my fears and hopes for my future without judgment. I LOVE that she is ready and willing to hang out with me, esp. when I need a movie buddy. She is also faithful to pursue me even when I am not always available and is one of my most understanding single friends that "gets" the kid thing and even loves to hang out with Ethan involved OR babysit when I need it. Love her!!
GREAT IS YOUR FAITHFULNESS, OH GOD!!!
This is only the beginning of a list of dear friends God has brought my way to help supply all of my needs. How could I ever doubt His provision, when all He ever does is take care of me?!!!
It hasn't been an easy road to travel, but He is quick to carry me over the rough spots and lead me down the right path!!
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. " (James 1:2-4)
"Perfect Trust doesn't alter our circumstances. Perfect Trust in Him changes us!"
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Step By Step...
Last night was a HARD night. It has been a long time since I was in this place...MANY tears, bad deams, waking up crying in my sleep, good dreams, waking up and crying because He was not really here anymore. Due to a very small amount of sleep, I decided to stay home and take it easy and not go to my Bible Study this morning. Due to the lack of sleep, and weak emotional state, I was afraid I would show up and cry my way through it. This may have been understandable 9 or 10 months ago, but now?!!
God has blessed me with GREAT friends...those that push me when I need to be pushed and let me rest when they know I need it. There is no expectation of where I "should" be in my journey. I personally put that pressure on myself. God reminded me today that He is the only one I should be living for and not the opinions of others.
My friend, Karah, invited me to lunch after Bible Study...a very casual non-threatening way of getting me out of the house. She is so good at being the kind of friend that knows when to speak and when to just listen. We didn't talk about anything earth shattering, but I enjoyed the time and was again encouraged that step by step He'll lead me. I need to continue to hang on to His promise for my life and know that my God truly has His best in plan for my life, even if that does not include my mate.
Tonight I got together with my small group for a cookout. Such a wonderful group of friends. I feel very comfortable when I am around them and know that they truly care. Yet, they are SO good about not making it all about me or my needs or concerns. I want life to consist of more than just my grief...and it is beginning to take that turn.
"When you worry about what you don't have, you won't be able to enjoy what you do have."
*An Ethan moment of the day ~ He has a stuffed Macaroni Penguin that I got him in Chicago when we went to the aquarium. He hasn't played with it for awhile, but he dug it out of the bottom of his basket of stuffed animals yesterday. We have been calling it "Tickles" because it tickles when he shakes his head against you. He keeps using it to tickle himself, me, and other stuffed animals and just giggles. As we were reading a book today, we came across another breed of penguins- Adele penguins and Emperor penguins. I explained that his was a Macaroni Penguin and he just laughed. He started pointing at it and calling it "Cheese". So now his penguin has a new name! :-)
God has blessed me with GREAT friends...those that push me when I need to be pushed and let me rest when they know I need it. There is no expectation of where I "should" be in my journey. I personally put that pressure on myself. God reminded me today that He is the only one I should be living for and not the opinions of others.
My friend, Karah, invited me to lunch after Bible Study...a very casual non-threatening way of getting me out of the house. She is so good at being the kind of friend that knows when to speak and when to just listen. We didn't talk about anything earth shattering, but I enjoyed the time and was again encouraged that step by step He'll lead me. I need to continue to hang on to His promise for my life and know that my God truly has His best in plan for my life, even if that does not include my mate.
Tonight I got together with my small group for a cookout. Such a wonderful group of friends. I feel very comfortable when I am around them and know that they truly care. Yet, they are SO good about not making it all about me or my needs or concerns. I want life to consist of more than just my grief...and it is beginning to take that turn.
"When you worry about what you don't have, you won't be able to enjoy what you do have."
*An Ethan moment of the day ~ He has a stuffed Macaroni Penguin that I got him in Chicago when we went to the aquarium. He hasn't played with it for awhile, but he dug it out of the bottom of his basket of stuffed animals yesterday. We have been calling it "Tickles" because it tickles when he shakes his head against you. He keeps using it to tickle himself, me, and other stuffed animals and just giggles. As we were reading a book today, we came across another breed of penguins- Adele penguins and Emperor penguins. I explained that his was a Macaroni Penguin and he just laughed. He started pointing at it and calling it "Cheese". So now his penguin has a new name! :-)
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Grief is a journey...
I just wish it would be a LOT shorter of a journey. I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that it has almost been a year since my "journey" began and I still have so much deep hurt. Yet, I also have moments of PURE JOY and even feel giddy at times. I know this can only be from God! For these times, I am so grateful. They allow me to continue to seek Him and work on building that lifelong Perfect Trust that I so desire to have. It is the dark and tearful (or should I say sobbing) moments that I struggle with experiencing. In some ways, I know they are healthy and normal, but in other ways, I feel guilty for having them. Yet I also have a strange desire to hang on to them because I don't want to ever lose that feeling of missing a HUGE part of my life. Rich was a much too important part of my life to be forgotten so quickly.
I am praying this blog will be a healthy way for me to track the healing process of God working on my heart. It is not going to be just about my grief, but also about the DAILY TRUST we must have to experience God's bountiful blessings!
I am praying this blog will be a healthy way for me to track the healing process of God working on my heart. It is not going to be just about my grief, but also about the DAILY TRUST we must have to experience God's bountiful blessings!
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