I'm too blessed to be stressed!

In the grand scheme of things, what are a few piles or unfinished tasks? I have a real life example of that in my life. My dear husband left many unfinished tasks, and yes, quite a few piles and other things left undone. But, honestly, did they hurt anyone or keep him from entering into the gates of heaven? No!! Yes, I had a lot of "tasks" to take care of and even some business that may have been nice to not have had to deal with, but overall, it was not something that ruined my life and actually, I even learned quite a bit in the process. The hardest part about it all was missing Rich in the process and wishing he were here by my side as I was constantly reminded of him. But honestly, he knew how to live each day to the fullest and did not worry about the little things. The important tasks, those that involved being a part of the lives of those around him, were taken care of to the best of his ability. He was SO busy working so many hours (3 jobs- teaching, coaching, and supervising at Timberline). Yet, even in the midst of his busyness, he was investing his life in those he was around. It was so important to him that I was able to stay home and invest in the life of our child, our home, and him. He didn't mind the sacrifice of the long hours. Even though there were so many times he would fall into bed around 1:30 am or even later just to awake at 6:00 the next morning, he would do this over and over again because he loved us and wanted to provide the best for our family.

So, now that I am feeling better (thanks to the meds!), I am thinking a bit more clearly about my perspective on life. Who cares if I have a few unfinished tasks? I am realizing that it is even okay if I grab clothes from the laundry basket and they never make it into the drawers. These little things don't need to rob me of my joy and especially don't need to take away from my time working on completing the important tasks at hand...my son, my family, my friends, my neighbors, my Lord!! The other things are all going to turn into dust, but the souls of these people and the relationship that I have with my Lord are going to last forever!!

As I think more and more about my schedule, I am going to work really hard on being organized to schedule my life in a way that allows balance. Today as I was talking to my sister on the phone, she was helping me realize that it is important to even put things like my trips to the grocery store, library, etc. on the calendar. Then, I am able to look at my schedule and know when to say no so that I don't end up with a week with not even a minute to take an extra trip to the bathroom! :-) This also allows me to schedule times where I am just AT HOME and investing in my son's life and implementing all of the creative fun activities I have planned for him. After all, I am SO blessed to be home with him, so I need to take the opportunity to be home.

I still am not sure what I believe about heaven and our loved ones that are there. So many people say that Rich is looking down on us and smiling. A part of me so much wants to believe that he is not missing out on Ethan's life and watching him grow. Yet, a part of me also thinks, surely there is too much going on in heaven for them to even think about what is going on here on earth. Plus, if there is no sorrow or tears, how could they really see what is going on here without experiencing those feelings unless they can also see how the end result is good and God's glory in it all. It's just too much for me to wrap my little mind around at times. I DO know that God's word says that the angels and the saints rejoice when someone comes to know Christ. So, I am thinking they probably somehow are aware of these happenings. My biggest prayer is that Rich will be able to rejoice with Jesus when Ethan accepts Him into his life!

The past few nights, my heart has been so touched by Ethan's sweet heart. He has such a love for music! It is so much fun to watch him play the piano, strum the guitar while I play chords, and sing and dance to CDs or the radio. His latest love has been to sing along (always a phrase behind!) It is so adorable...a constant echo as he tries to keep up with the lyrics. The last two nights he has sung himself to sleep. We always pray together before bed and I often sing a song or two as he quietly listens. Well, lately, he has been joining in and then continuing after I leave. Last night it was, "I lub you Lod" (I love you Lord) over and over again. Tonight he was singing "This light of mine...SHINE!" I peeked in and he was waving his little pointer finger around. Now honestly, how can one be stressed out when one is SO blessed?!! There is nothing that keeps you more grounded than having a child. Their perspective is so right on at times. I completely can understand why Jesus said we need to have faith like a child. They believe and trust so easily and the other things just don't seem so important! So, maybe I need to change my focus from "perfect trust" to "child-like trust".

Another thing I wanted to remember and to blog for Ethan's future reference is the blessing of God's provision!! I want him to see that God HAS provided for us in every way possible! Many many people ask me, "When are you going back to work?" I know they are just curious how we are getting by with me staying home with Ethan. It is through MANY resources that this has been possible. I HAVE had to work, but not a typical full-time job that requires me to leave Ethan during his best hours and be home only in time to feed and put him to bed. I am SO very thankful for this AMAZING blessing!! God has provided me with jobs that, for the most part, allow me to take Ethan with me. I am able to clean houses (once a week & I take Ethan with me), work as a Stampin' Up! consultant (mostly from home), work as a wedding liaison for TBC (mostly from home with just a few weekends here and there away), and a nursery coordinator for the fellowship groups at Good News (where I can take Ethan with me!). Also, I receive a S.S. payment each month thanks to Rich's hard work still paying off! And the BIGGEST blessing of all has been the amazing support of mostly anonymous givers through church and friends. I have been blown away by the way others have stepped up to take care of our needs. Our utilities are STILL being paid, I still receive anonymous financial gifts in the Heyroth fund, I received a HUGE gift from my college friends, and the list goes on. (In fact, one small group at church [not even my own] gave me enough money to cover a huge portion of the funeral costs! My hope is that I will be able to stay home with Ethan until he goes to school. At that point, I am hoping to enter a nursing program to become an RN. I really think this is going to be possible just because God continues to provide through others around me and through great job opportunities.

Things could have been so different. Though, I know God would have given me the strength to survive, I am SO thankful I don't have to face that scenerio. Honestly, because of the love that has been showered over me, I think I have been able to have the time to grieve properly and in a healthy way. It has allowed me to be with Ethan too. I think things could have been very different for him as well if his dad AND his mom were torn away from him so suddenly. I was able to be there for him as he grieved too in his child-like understanding of what was taking place. God used Ethan in my life too to remind me daily that there was still so much to live for and that God is still SO at work in our lives. He continues to show that to me through the life of this small child.

AND the blessing list continues.... (througout this past year)
My homemakeover- including painting, light fixtures, tile in kitchen and entryway, railing installed, bathroom hardware AND an amazing fence for my son's safety in the backyard.
Gift Cards- Panera, Kohls, Starbucks, Sonic, McDonald's, the Mall, Timberline, Children's Place, Gap, His & Her Salon, A Free massage, Movie tickets, Dillon's, Target, Wal-Mart, Eagle Auto Wash
Food- Meals from Aug-Nov '07 brought to me at least once a week!
Household items-I had everything from toilet paper to toothpaste to dishwashing detergent delivered to me in August of '07
Diapers- I had about 10 jumbo size boxes of diapers delivered in Aug '08
Painting- The SHHS teachers completed painting my house and trimming within the first week of the accident!
Cards- I have not officially counted these yet, but I have a large box FULL of cards that I plan to put in binders to share with Ethan some day. Almost every one had a personal note written in it. A few people have sent me at LEAST ten-twenty different cards! (They have shown me what having the gift of encouragement is really all about!)
Phone calls & emails- I have had people not only write me, but check-in on me and require a response. They have lovingly pulled me out when I just wanted to hide away!
Flowers- The flowers that Rich so lovingly gave have not ended...so many have sent them at JUST the right times!
Computer Monitor- I even had a computer monitor GIVEN to me when mine went black! Within a day of needing one, it was provided!! (And it is a much nicer one than the one I had, I might add!) Amazing!

Can you believe that list?!!

I have been not only blessed, but completely spoiled!

Most of these things took place right away in Aug. '07. But God has continued to supply ALL of my needs and many of these blessings were enough to be stretched FAR into that first year. I need to note that these things do not take away the pain, hurt, and suffering of losing someone you love so dearly. BUT, God has used not the things, but the people to show me He is in control and that I have nothing to fear. He has also used these people to fill me up when I am hurting, to actually physically touch me and give me a hug I need, to listen, to encourage, to direct me, to guide me to His word (My favorite cards were those filled with verses!), and to just love me through it all!!

I can honestly say that I have NO reason to ever doubt God's provision in my life now or ever in my future. What a mighty God we serve!

Thank you, Lord for allowing me to be a part of your plan. Thank you for surrounding me with people who love you enough to shower me with their generous hearts, time, and resources!
Keep my focus on what is eternally important. I have suffered more in this past year than I have over the course of my entire life. Yet, I have also experienced more blessings than I have ever before! Thank you that nothing happens in our life that does not first go through Your hand. "You turned my wailing into dancing and removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." (Psalm 30:11-12) I pray that I will continue to trust you day by day by day...through the suffering and the blessings. You ARE my refuge and my strength.

Blah!

Well, if there is one way for Satan to really get a foothold in my life, he knows it is to make me sick. There is nothing that gets me more down in the dumps than feeling sick. I think part of it is just me feeling out of control. (There is that control issue again!) I hate feeling like I can't keep up with life and that it is just passing me by while I am doing my best just to keep the bare minimum running around my own house. Keeping up with a toddler and the day to day business of running a household, meeting deadlines, paying bills, going to work, etc. is hard enough when you are feeling great. Now that I am finally feeling BETTER and coming out of my fog of fever, chills, and head cold, I am overwhelmed with life. I feel like I have the everyday details to keep going with, but also the last four days of details that need catching up.

I am also reminded (when in my not so positive outlook state) that I have about a year of details that kind of got pushed aside. I can usually look at this past year of my life and think about all of the things that I DID accomplish and how it is really only through God's strength that I even functioned somewhat properly at all! Miraculously, my son seems to have also made it through the year and somehow even thrived at times as he has grown physically, emotionally, and mentally. Yet, even though I had the strength (only through God's own hand and the people surrounding me) to make it through the year, there are SO many details of things that got left undone. As I lay in bed feeling terrible these past few evenings, all of these things started coming to mind. The fact that I STILL have many tubs of things I need to go through, piles of papers that need to be filed, and an office full of Rich's things that I have left untouched. As I sit at the computer I am almost paralyzed by the thought of facing tomorrow. Yes, I am feeling better physically (Thank you, Lord) but because I was sick, I actually had time to stop and think. This is when I start to let my mind be filled with anxious thoughts about my past, my present, and my future. I MUST take every thought captive and give it up to God. Yet, realistically, how do I ever catch up?! Tomorrow, I will wake up and begin a new day filled with new things on the agenda and a non-stop toddler who will take up any "extra" moment that I may have to even think about getting caught up on the past year of my life.

As I look ahead at the fall, I can already see myself filling up every weekend and weekday with more activities and jobs. I have never been good at saying no, but I feel like I am falling back into a pattern of filling every moment and now I don't have my sweet husband at my side that is telling me to say, "No!" I want so badly to be able to do it all. Yet, where does my hope and significance come from? Well, I know where it SHOULD come from. I am finding myself falling into the performance trap once again. As I write this, my eyes are directed to my bookshelf and the book "Search for Significance" is tugging at my heart. I just stopped to grab it and it fell open to a page where I had underlined these words "When we base our security and value on how well we perform and how we want others to perceive us, failure poses a tremendous threat to us. " And as I quickly flip through I read, "Satan's lie: Self-Worth= Performance + Others' Opinions. ...God is the only One who loves and appreciates us unconditionally."

I want my biggest desire to be to love and honor my Lord with my life...that I would only seek His approval. You know what the funny part about it all is? I have the best friends and family in the world. I think that they are probably not disappointed in me or what I am or am unable to do, but it is ME that I am not able to please. I let my own expectations overwhelm me as I set goals for myself that are unattainable. I find myself disappointed in myself instead of seeking God for His approval.

I DO need to work on some of the "projects" from this past year. They are very overwhelming and I often find myself paralyzed by it all wondering where to even begin. When I finally have a moment to tackle a project, it is often later in the evening when Ethan is asleep. By then, my mind and body are often exhausted and it just seems like I am unable to think clearly enough to make good decisions. So, another night passes and they are left undone once again. This may sound morbid, but there are days when I kind of wish my house would burn down and I would have to start anew with nothing but my memories. I have moments where I would like to move to another part of the country where no one knew about this "part" of me. Yet, without the body of Christ that has surrounded me, I would have never survived. I don't want people to think I am ungrateful for the support they have given me. I guess I just with I was never in need of the support to begin with.

As I read back over this entry, I realize how down in the dumps I really sound. I think I need to go spend some more time alone with my best friend and lean a little more on Him. This "Perfect Trust" thing takes a LOT of work, but I know that He will be faithful to fill me up if I just ask.

"Ah, Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for You." Jeremiah 32:17

Walk and Talk

One of the things I have struggled with most since having Rich gone is losing my freedom to come and go as I please; knowing we could usually arrange for one of us to watch Ethan as the other would run a quick errand or just take some time alone. I especially miss my morning walk and talks with God. When Rich and I were dating, we used to go on "walk and talks" around the City park in Manhattan. For some reason when we were walking, we were able to really just lay out what was on our hearts before each other...whether it be a frustration or a joy. When we got married, we continued these "walk and talks" (Yes, taken from Dr. Seuss Hop on Pop) They were a great way to get some exercise together and yet also have time to enjoy one another's company. If there was ever an "issue" that needed to be discussed, it was a great way to talk about it because neither of us could really leave the room or flee from discussing it.

I would also often enjoy walk and talks with God. There is just something so great about the fresh morning air, before the city seems to wake up with movement and get cluttered with busy people going here and there. I love having that quiet time with just me and God. Now that Rich is gone, I can, of course, still have that time with God, but I can't really leave the house since my sleeping toddler is there. As I woke up this morning, I was kind of bummed that it was raining because I actually have my MIL here and I could get OUT of the house early to go be with God. Well, God reminded me that it is not where I spend time with Him, but just that I DO spend time with Him. It is so easy to focus in on the things I can't do anymore instead of focusing in on what I can do. Yes, I miss those late night runs to Sonic and at times feel rather trapped at home, but overall, it is just forcing me to always plan ahead a bit more. So I can't run to Dillon's at 11:00 pm to get that one ingredient I forgot to make something for MOPS or that family I promised a meal the next morning. But, honestly, I would never give up my little boy for a little more freedom.

As I had a "sit and chit chat" with God this morning, I was once again filled with the same kind of encouraging words that He would speak to my heart while we were walking together. "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in all the earth." ~Psalm 46 As I opened His word, I found these words to be written out right before me and even underlined (in Rich's Bible). Yes, God still speaks to me if I just take the time to listen! It was almost as if He were saying, "See, even Rich wants you to know that I am here for you."

I am SO thankful for my relationship with God. It is truly the only love that will last for a lifetime. If I had not had nurtured this relationship before Rich had died, I think my life would have literally fallen apart. There have been so many times that I have been lazy or too tired to actually open His word and soak it in. Yet, God's word never returns void. Every time I DO take the time to be faithful to open it up and just sit and chit chat with God, oh what glorious rewards I receive! He truly does know how to fill all of my needs. He is even willing to hold my hand through this journey of ups and downs. "For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, saying to you, 'Fear not, I will help you'" Isaiah 41:13 So, when I start to focus on what I no longer have, I pray that I will be able to redirect my thoughts to what I DO have and that is something that can NEVER be taken away...my relationship with Christ...someone who truly cares about my deepest needs, desires, and hopes for my future.

Thank you, Lord, for showing me that just because so much of my "freedom" has been taken away, you have never left my side. There are so many examples of those who truly had their freedom taken away in your Word. Even through imprisonment and persecution, they continued to seek you first. Give me that kind of strength!!

"Each loss is truest gain, if day by day, He fills the place of all He takes away."

God's protection...

Well, I think I hit rock bottom on the whole scale of being a good mom. I have been feeling pretty sick the last 48 hours. Usually, I just kick into stubborn mode and tell myself I am going to fight it continuing to not sleep and keeping up with all of the house work, meetings, mom duties, work, etc. I started this week with an hour-by-hour schedule with every morning, afternoon, and evening filled with everything from dentist appt to house cleaning jobs (outside of my own home), to meeting with stamping clients, etc. I began feeling pretty sick Wed. night with the whole body aching, headache, chills, etc. By Thursday morning I was just SICK!! I was SO tired even after going to bed by 9:30 the night before (which is COMPLETELY unheard of for the nightowl in me). I could hardly drag myself out of bed and, though it sounds little, had a REALLY bad sore throat and headache and fever. I went ahead with my mom duties, but began cancelling meetings for noon that day and even evening plans to meet with a friend who is getting married soon. I just knew that making it through the day was going to be a challenge in itself. I know I am sounding completely pathetic at this point and like I just can't handle being sick. But, honestly, I am not a wimp in this area. Unfortunately, I usually don't listen to my body and end up with bronchitis or even worse pnemonia (like last year). This time I decided I would tackle it head on with the drugs and rest my body. This is where the WORST MOM ever award comes into play...

I sat down on the couch Thursday morning with my hot tea and book in hand and told Ethan mommy was sick and that he needed to look at his own books for a while. He was Great! He got a pile of books and began looking through them. This was at about 9:00. Well, at about 10:30 I woke up! YES! I actually fell asleep for a whole hour and a half while I was supposed to be watching my 2 year old! For those of you that don't have kids, this may not sound like a big deal. But, if you have or have ever had a TWO year old (esp. a climber like mine) you would be freaking out! I woke up with a start and began to panic when I looked at the clock and realized I had not just drifted off for a minute or two. Surprisingly enough, my AMAZING sweet boy was still sitting on the living room floor. He had all of his blocks and block puzzle pieces arranged in what appeared to be a city. It was amazing. He had his cars at certain places and had built tunnels. I began looking around for the gallon of milk that may have been spilled out of the fridge or who knows what. I looked in the kitchen for all kinds of dangers that could be lurking. I asked him what he had been doing and he said, "books and blocks" "Look Mommy what I build!" "Mommy sick." "Mommy sleep." "Pretend sleep?" No, that was far from "pretend sleep"! I looked over and he had gone through most of the books in his basket and placed them back in a neat pile. I was shocked! God must have had an angel watching over my little guy. He is SO curious all of the time and with the help of a chair, can pretty much get into anything now. What an amazing God to step in for me to not only be a father to the fatherless, but also a mother! I was so thankful for my sweet boy who, when mommy needed it, was SO obedient and did not wander away or do anything unwise. Instead, he amazed me by showing me a new creative side of building that I didn't even know he could do! He explained every building to me and I just sat there in awe thanking God for taking care of Ethan for the last hour and a half!

To my surprise, I was STILL tired enough to nap again (this time during HIS nap time). AND, I even went to bed early again Thursday night. Thankfully, I am feeling better today with no fever and just what I would call a nasty chest cold. I am continuing to do my best to take care of myself. Rich was SO good to me in this area...almost demanding at times. But, he knew that stubborn me needed someone to tell me like it is. As I went to get a steamer tonight from the local Amoco I realized that I had not had a cappucino from there or a steamer since Rich has been gone. He used to frequently bring me a "treat" to give me the caffeine pick-me-up I needed or something to settle me down for the night like a steamer. He, of course, would get something too and we would sit and chat over our hot drinks. I can't believe it has been over a year since I have done this.

Last night was another night of vivid dreams. God, once again, protected me in another kind of way. These dreams were SO real to me. Throughout the WHOLE night I was dreaming of Rich and his involvement in our day-to-day lives. It felt so real, that even when I would wake up and realize it wasn't real, I wanted to go back to sleep just so I could FEEL like it was real for a moment. I remember at one point, it was a Saturday morning and Rich and Ethan were sitting out on the back deck eating cereal together. Rich had that sheepish grin on his face that he would often get when he knew he did something he shouldn't have, but also knew he could get away with it because it wasn't really THAT big of a deal. (Ethan has that SAME look often!) In my dream, he had gotten Ethan up early and out of bed just so he could have some extra time with him. In my dreams, he had been traveling a lot (with his job?) and so was only home for short times. We missed him so much and yet were SO happy when he would return. It was always an unspoken in our house that you never wake a sleeping baby (or kid). Yet, in the dream, I was so happy he was able to have all of the extra time with Ethan that he could have. In real life, I remember Rich wanting to go in and wake Ethan up (as an infant) even in the middle of the night just so he could have extra "moments" with him. As a mother, of course, I told him no and that Ethan needed his sleep (and so did I!) Oh, how I wish I had those moments back. I would have never cared about sleep deprivation if only I could have one more moment with HIM and he could have one more moment with his precious son. Thankfully, I was spared a night of tormenting tears. I woke up several times throughout the night and even had to think twice a time or two before I realized that Rich really was no longer with us and that he was not just away on travels. I was very sad, but also felt a great peace come over me (the Holy Spirit) telling me it was okay and that I was not alone.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build you up again." Jer. 31:3 Slowly, but surely, God IS building me up again. The tears still come, but not as often, and definitely not as violent. They are more tears mixed with sorrow and joy. I still have my moments where they hit me by surprise and I HATE feeling out of control, but God is showing me that my life is not mine to control. "Self-sufficiency is a terrible place to be. We need God." ~Dr. Joseph Stowell

So, once again, though it may be through a little thing as "sleeping on the job", God has shown His faithfulness to protect me and my son. Though sleeping with a toddler awake in the house is NOT something I recommend, it is nice to know that we both survived andthat one day I may even look back on this and laugh. Maybe...

Reminiscing....

Tonight we had a dinner/reunion with the Topeka group that went to Turkey with Rich last June. This trip was purposely planned in June so that teachers and college-aged students would be available to go for 15 days. I had gone on a very similar trip two years before, but it had taken place in the fall and so Rich was unable to go with me due to school. We were both so excited for this opportunity for him. Though he had traveled out of the States before, this was his first "intentional" trip to go and share the Good News with others. When he came back, he immediately said that it was "life-changing". He was not sure if we would ever move long-term, but he had a new passion to encourage others (esp. college students) to GO and experience missions first-hand so that their perspective on life and the world would become God-centered. He was pumped up about sharing with others right where God had us now too. He became passionate about talking to others (even complete strangers) about his faith. And even though he had already tried to build "intentional" friendships with others, he was now even more straight-forward about sharing his heart with them. In fact, it was because of this that he decided to go canoeing with his friends from Timberline one year ago.

On Rich's trip to Turkey, he made some great friends! When he got back, he told me he now understood how I had become so close to the people in my group in such a short time. There is something really powerful about going out with others on the streets of a country that you are unfamiliar with and opening up your life before them. It can be scary at times not knowing how they will react, partly because of cultural differences and also because of religious differences. You may be matched up with a partner that you know very little about except that you both share a love for Jesus Christ and that you want others to know Him too.

Rich had the privilege of going with an awesome group of college-aged students as well as the "older" bunch including my parents. He was kind of stuck right in the middle. He was a bit nervous going in wondering where he would fit in. When he came home, he said it was great and that he got to experience the best of both worlds. He LOVED his roommate, Charlie, and had awesome things to say about him. He respected all of them and had some crazy and fun times together as well. In fact, they were sharing about a banana war tonight as they were reminiscing. I guess one night, they were launching bananas back and forth from their hotel balconies at each other.

These same students (plus some more) are now going to another country to distribute Bibles and share their faith. I am SO excited for them and pray God will protect them and use them effectively. As I listened to them share, it was kind of hard for me to think about my own somewhat dull life. My college days were filled with so much adventure, spontaneity, and fun! I did crazy things like squirrel pranking (don't ask), late night road trips to nowhere, and Jock Jams kitchen dancing with my roomies. There were so many unanswered questions with my future, but I was content in the moment. I had SO much time (even though I thought I was so busy with classes). I was involved in an amazing ministry group on campus at the BEST school in Kansas (Go K-State!!) :-) I was able to soak up scripture through Bible studies, personal study, and mentors. I had summers that were full of adventure and new challenges- Camp counselor at Kanakuk, M trip to China, and planning for a wedding! In some ways, I felt like this was the launch pad for the "rest of my life". I grew a ton spiritually in college and it prepared me in so many ways for life in the "real world".

I guess I am just kind of feeling a bit stuck now, like I need another launch pad. I feel like my life took off, and though there were bends and turns, it was going pretty well. I feel like it was following the "natural" progression of life. I am trying really hard to not think about it, but I AM starting to wonder if I will be continuing on this journey through life on my own for possibly the next 50 years.

My parents celebrated their 36th anniversary today. What a gift it must be to share that many years with someone you love so dearly. I happened to be at their house when my dad came home with a bouquet of flowers for my mom. I wondered, is THAT part of my life over now forever? Is it going to be possible for someone to love and take on my broken heart and my precious son some day as their own? Am I ever going to again be able to give someone the kind of love they deserve without reservations? This is a WHOLE new area of Perfect Trust. I know it is probably too soon to even be thinking about it and some of you who are reading this may be freaking out that I have even thought about the idea of remarriage. But, if I am going to be perfectly honest, I have to say that it HAS crossed my mind. I don't know how, when, or if it will ever happen. Some days I feel completely content being single and can picture myself going through all of life here on earth on my own. Other days, I miss the companionship SO badly and think surely God has someone in mind for me and someone to complete our broken family. No one will ever take Rich's place, but it sure would be nice for Ethan to grow up with a daddy. Yet, it is so complicated thinking someone has to love me AND my son as his own. Rich and I actually talked about this scenerio happening in our lives. We both agreed that we would want the other to remarry and not feel guilty about it, but to embrace it. At the time, it sounded so logical. Now, it sounds and feels SO complicated.

I'll probably regret this blog entry in the morning. Sigh!! Oh well. It is where I am at in this journey and if I bottle it all up inside, it is just going to drive me crazy. I still miss Rich like crazy. Part of me feels so incredibly guilty for even thinking about the thought of "moving on". Yet, part of me knows it is what he would want for me. I think for now, I just need to continue giving it up to God and trusting Him with my future and His perfect plan for my life. I know He can satisfy ALL of my needs and will bear my burdens!

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who DAILY bears our burdens." Psalm 68:19

An Open Book...

I have had so many questions in my mind about blogging and if it is really the right thing to do. I feel so vulnerable at times when I actually take the time to think that others may be reading my random thoughts and insights (and sometimes ramblings) about my pursuit of "Perfect Trust" and just day to day dealings with life. Most of the time I think of it as a journal and forget others are possibly reading this. Then, I am reminded by a comment or email or even face-to-face talk about it. Honestly, I have to say that I have been SO encouraged by the comments and they have often spurred me to go on being open about my life. I have been reminded that Christ desires us to be open with our lives so that He can use others in our lives and so that we can also be used in their lives as well. It is through this journey that I have learned the importance of putting aside my pride and letting others see me in my weakness. It is through the times that the world knows that I don't have it all together that God has allowed others to minister to me and even allowed me to share more openly with others. Honestly, I don't think anyone really wants a "perfect" friend. It is through our inadequacies that Christ is able to shine through and others are able to see His work in our lives.

Although (as Joy shared in her comment) I may still have "many walls that need to be torn down," I feel like God is doing that slowly and revealing to me what I need to face when I am ready to face it. This morning my pastor, Jim, shared about a man who had been persecuted for claiming to be a Christian and had to move to America to escape death. When asked if he was afraid he said, "They can kill my body, but they can't kill my soul." He was then asked how he could be so brave. He responded that today he was, but he did not know how he would feel tomorrow and it was only through relying on Christ that he could go on. Even though I am not facing the fear of being killed for my faith in Christ, I have faced fear. I have had many new fears come to the surface through my loss of Rich. I could relate SO closely to this man. I have been asked often how I could remain so strong. I may be having a strong moment now, but I never know what tomorrow will bring. I have to continually, not day by day, but moment by moment continue to give it up to God and trust that He will be strong for me. I was a little thrown off by Jim mentioning me this morning in his sermon. I had no idea that was coming! The tears started again (of course RIGHT when he started talking about me and pointing out where I was sitting!). Yet, they were tears of sadness and joy. Yes, I was choked up by the mention of Rich's death spoken about so openly from the pulpit and the reminder of my loss through not thoughts, but actual words. But, I was also SO encouraged that God had used MY loss to encourage someone else and maybe would help many more people to trust Him through their disappointments in life. Then, after the service I was approached again by the sweetest young lady who encouraged me immensely by taking the time to not only write me, but also to talk to me face to face to tell me how she had been encouraged by my blog as she was facing new challenges and fears preparing to leave for college.

I don't write these things to praise myself for writing a blog, but to remind myself (and others) that God is at work in the smallest things we do and that He WILL work all things together for good and for His glory! (Romans 8:28) I think this verse is often misused and represented when tragedy strikes. It is often the first verse to be quoted and, quite frankly, not the one that the person(s) experiencing tragedy probably wants to hear. :-) It doesn't always mean that we will actually SEE good come from a bad experience. Often, we never even know or comprehend what good there is in the situation. I do, however, believe that God has our BEST in mind and that He desires for us to seek Him through it all. [I must note, though, that this does NOT take away the sadness and grief that one experiences when losing someone special to them. Yes, it is reassuring to know that God is in control, but this does not bring back the person that one loves so dearly. Even Jesus wept when he lost his dear friend, and He even KNOWS everything!! Grief is such a complicated thing!!]

I have been extremely blessed to actually SEE good come from my personal tragedy...lives changed for eternity that may have never sought after God had they not had their eyes opened to Him through this. I have seen other good come from it in the lives of my friends and families and even complete strangers. I have also personally experienced more love and compassion from others than I would have probably ever experienced in my life here on earth. I have actually SEEN a bit of Christ through the lives of others through their selfless gifts of time, service, prayers, monetary donations, and love. As I have mentioned before, there have been so many "miracle moments" where I know only Christ could have made it happen and it was a great reminder to me that He has not forsaken me. My life is forever changed and I pray that even through my lowest points, I will remember that ultimately I am here not for MY good, but for God's glory. Oh how glorious it will be to see the WHOLE picture someday. Our life here on earth is but a snap compared to eternity.

So, as I carry on with my blog and journey through the ups and downs, my prayer is
Romans 12:12 ~ That I may "rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, and devoted to prayer."

Making progress...

This week I can actually look back and see moments where I am physically and emotionally making progress. I became aware of this during my mowing experience. I know that mowing the yard may not seem like a big deal to most people, but for me, it has been a challenge! I was completely blessed to have Greg Steinlage step up and volunteer to mow my yard last year until the first freeze. This helped me SO much because I had so many things on my plate and was, honestly, so overwhelmed with everything that I was in survival mode and mowing the lawn was the LAST thing on my mind. This spring when the grass started to grow, I realized I was going to have to get the mower out and add another thing to my growing to-do list of weekly responsibilities. I didn't mind the idea of mowing, but it was just another reminder of one of those things that Rich took care of for me.

Even though I can be strongly independent, I have to admit that I HUGELY miss being taken care of on a daily basis. There is just a part of me, that if I am completely honest, longs to have someone there by my side helping me make decisions and looking out for me in a tender and protective way. I miss the companionship of marriage, knowing there is someone else in this world that just completely "gets you" and loves you in spite of your inadequacies. There is something so fun about having that person with whom you can share all kinds of silly experiences with and have inside jokes that still make me laugh even when he is not around to share them. I miss the conversations and even the arguments that would maybe not be fun in the process, but somehow always drew us closer to each other. And though I can't believe I am sharing this, I miss being told I am beautiful even when I feel like I look my worst. I can not even write this now without tears spilling over in my eyes as I think about how much my sweet Rich made me smile and feel SO loved. When I started writing this, I was not thinking this was the direction it was going to go. My whole idea of making progress is feeling a little lost right now as I type. Yet, this is somewhat typical. I often feel as if I am taking two steps forward and then one, two, or on really bad days, three steps back.

Honestly, I am lonely. How can I be lonely when I am surrouded by so many friends and people I love? How is it possible to walk into a church full of people who have shown me more love and prayers than I could ever deserve and yet feel so lost and left out? I honestly feel like there is a part of me that has been cut off and I don't know how to cope with being just me. I worked SO hard on my relationship with Rich on my identity being wrapped up in who I am in Christ. Most days, I still feel like this is true and that I am complete with Christ, but then there are nights like this... I don't think one can enter into a marriage and be wholly committed to someone else for over 7 years and not feel a bit lost without them by your side. Some days I feel like I am just fine and that with Christ I can do anything (this is truth!). Other days, I think about how the rest of the world seems to be moving ahead with their lives and I am going to be stuck like this forever just surviving and trying to shelter Ethan from the pain of it all knowing he is going to have to face this himself some day and just praying I will be ready with the right words to say.

It was just this week that Ethan finally realized that our cat was NOT coming home. I didn't really mention it to him thinking maybe he would just not notice. Well, he noticed and he asked about Mocha and I told him he was not coming home and that was all I said. He looked at me and his eyes filled with tears and he sobbed and then said, "Nemo's dad die." We watched the movie once and even though it was Nemo's mom that died, he is beginning to often refer to this and cry. I don't even know if it has anything to do with his own dad, but I have a feeling it does. All I wanted to do was cry, but I just held him and said that it was okay and we can get another cat someday. I wish it was that easy when it comes to talking about his dad.

Anyway, I really began writing this thinking it would be a positive post. I wanted to share about my mowing experience. The first time I got the mower out, I was determined that this was not going to be a big deal and I could handle it with ease. Well, after a half hour of trying to get the mower to start, I finally broke down in tears. I was just SO frustrated that I couldn't even do a simple task like start the mower and I was determined to NOT ask for help. Well, I ended up asking the neighbor for help, and was able to get the mower started. I successfully mowed the front yard and then ran out of gas. So, after going to the gas station to fill up a tank and coming back, I was relieved to get it started again without too much work. The back yard was a lot more challenging due to it being SO steep. Yet, overall, I was proud of my accomplishment and kind of excited about the idea of mowing regularly and even feeling like I could get a bit of a workout in the process! Overall, except on the really hot days, the actual mowing has not been that bad. The challenge that comes into play is figuring out what to do with Ethan. He, of course, wants to be involved and be close to me while I am mowing. This is, obviously, not safe and so I find myself often shoowing him away and then we usually face the melt down in tears. The mowing process is not exactly easy, but while I was doing it this week, I was just reminded about how far we have come. Ethan now knows this is his time to play on the driveway only (while I am in the front) and in the play area only (while I am in the back). Also, the mowing itself is becoming a lot easier and even something I somewhat enjoy. Now I just need a 101 lesson on using the weed eater!! I was pretty tired this week from trying to pull all of the weeds along the fence and around the flower garden and my edging job looks FAR from professional. :-) It may sound like a little thing--the mowing--but it showed me that tasks that used to be so tough and even overwhelming are becoming a little more natural and part of our routine. There are still weeks that I feel a little stretched in all directions trying to be a good mom, friend, daughter, sister, aunt, nurse, teacher, mechanic, house cleaner, and fill other various jobs. But, all people (esp. moms) feel this way at times.

Overall, even though I know this post started out with tears and probably a bit of whining, I AM seeing progress in my life and for that I am so thankful! I think balance is key. I have to be careful to not shut myself away from the rest of the world when I am trying so hard to keep everything in order here at home with the day-to-day tasks. But, I also can't get too wrapped up filling ALL of my evenings and days with other activities outside of the home, because when I come home it is really just up to ME to get it all done. There are SO many single-moms in this world. I can only begin to imagine what it must be like to face the world with several kids, a full-time job and not have Christ in your life. I have found myself being a bit envious at times of my two neighbors (both single moms). I see their ex-husbands picking up their kids and them enjoying a weekend to themselves or going out with their friends. Yet, honestly, would I really rather have that life...with my kid being shuffled back and forth and feeling hurt or betrayed by this man that is no longer my spouse that at one time committed to be with me through better or worse? I may not have the dad to take Ethan from me from time to time, but I also don't have the ongoing hurt involved in those situations. I am so thankful that my loss was ultimately God's decision and not one of our own.

I want to end my post today on a letter I found today that I cried over during Ethan's naptime. This was a letter that I had started writing and was planning to give to Rich before he left for Turkey on his missions trip in June. As I read it, I cried because I was full of regret for never getting the chance to give it to him, but I also cried because in some ways, it is a letter that shows God preparing me for Rich to leave us. His trip to Turkey prepared us both in so many ways we had not expected. We had a lot of good conversations about death and eternal things because of that trip. Thank you, Lord!

Dearest Rich,

I just have a few minutes while I'm sitting here at the church waiting on you and Ethan to pick me up. I am flooded with emotions about you leaving for Turkey. I am sooo excited for the experience you are about to have. I know it will be life changing! I'm praying for you to truly experience God at a deeper level and to be amazed at the ways He works through you. You are an amazing man who inspires me daily w/ your knowledge and your desire to always learn more. My heart explodes with joy when I see the way you love and interact with your son. You are an amazing daddy and also the most caring husband I have ever heard of. I cannot thank you enough for how attentive you are to me and how you are always looking out for me and giving me restful moments and spoiling me with special treats. :-) You will be greatly missed by both Ethan and me. But, I cannot tell you enough how proud of you I am for putting Christ first in your life and going to Turkey to share about the most important part of your life. You will be richly rewarded for this!
I will be praying for you daily! Please do not worry about Ethan and me. We are going to be super busy seeing family and friends we love. Though nothing can fill your place, we will be well looked after. It will be a good time for me to rely more on Christ for my stronghold. Sometimes I get lazy when you are here to lean on. Though I do really love cuddling with you at night! :-) Just trust we will be okay!...


I was unable to finish the letter because he arrived sooner than I had expected. I tucked in away to finish and give him at the airport and forgot about it until now. I just think it is amazing how it is almost the same time of letter I would write him in heaven now. God knew that I would be left to depend on Him, but that He would be enough and that we WOULD be "well looked after".

Thanks, Lord, that even through the pain, you DO still care and know my deepest needs and desires. I pray my life will continue to bring you glory and that I can lean on you fully to be my stronghold!

A New "Normal"

I have finally settled with the idea that things will never be "normal" in my life again. Yet, I have to say, I AM finding a new "normal". I am not really sure what normal is and probably never belonged in that category to begin with. :-) I am seeing that my life will never be the same as it was before, but I am also seeing that there ARE great things to come, even though some parts of it will never return. As I was rereading the book of Job and reflecting on his life, I was amazed at not only his steadfast faith, but also the way God richly blessed him. He lost SO much, literally everything. Yet, later his life was blessed even more abundantly than before. I think God has so much in store for all of us that we could not even fathom what we are about to encounter. We would probably be too overwhelmed if we really knew what was coming. I would not say that the suffering I have gone through is something I have enjoyed (AT ALL!), but I CAN say that God HAS blessed me in some ways more abundantly than I have ever been blessed before. Part of me wonders if I am just becoming more aware of His blessings and am more ready to receive them than I was before. I wonder how much we miss just because we are not looking for His blessings or even asking. His ways are so much beyond our understanding. I am just in awe that the more I learn about my Lord, the more I realize I really don't know!

"Oh, how great are God's riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways!" Romans 11:33

Today was not quite the day that I had planned. Rich's room was not available when I had planned to visit to clear things out. After finally talking to the teacher with whom Rich had taught some with, I discovered that he had already boxed up most of the things in there. Honestly, this was kind of a relief to me. I had already picked up the personal things (photos, jump drive, letters, cards, etc) at the beginning of the school year last year. A lot of what was left were items that are just things. They are still somewhat hard to go through. Honestly, a few of the boxes went straight into the garage for another day. Part of me just wishes all of his things and his clothes and everything would just disappear. Then, another part of me wants to hold on to all of it. It just overwhelms me...the decisions, the emotions, and the exhaustion I know I will experience after spending time thinking about it all.

I can completely understand why so many people run from their grief and just busy themselves by diving into a job or two. In some ways, it is the easier way to go. But, I think it is also SO important to face it and work through it all. I have tried so hard to grieve in a healthy way and to be honest about my feelings. I am so happy to say that there are now more days that I would call "normal", than days that are just plain miserable. I feel almost guilty when a day goes by and I didn't feel sad over my loss, and yet I know that I don't want to be stuck in my grief! I want this experience to change and mold me as all trials in our walk should refine us. I think that I have a new definition of what grief is, but I also have a new understanding of what God's faithfulness looks like in my life. I would have NEVER survived this without Christ in my life. Even WITH Him, there were days that I thought how easy it would be to just drive off the road or pray that He would just take me too. Thankfully, I was surrounded by so many who cared for me, prayed for and with me, and even cried with me.

Ethan has also been such a reminder of another reason God has placed me on this earth and is continuing to have me here. What joy he brings into my life! I look forward to seeing what God has in store for him as well. I know He must have great plans for His life. He has already instilled such incredible gifts in him and I pray Ethan will use them for God's glory!! He is an interesting mix of both Rich and me. It amazes me how he is developing into not only a mirror image of his daddy, but also carries many of his personality traits and mannerisms. That can only be from God!! He is quite ornery, but in such a humorous way! He already can get himself out of trouble by making me laugh. (Just like his dad!) He is SO independent, and yet so sensitive, caring, and protective towards me. He even growled and flexed his muscles towards the guy who came to take my blood for life insurance. (He was terrible!! He poked me 5 times trying to find a vein!) He started hiding my shoes as a joke at 18 months (like Rich) and using a coaster at 14 months (a little like me ;-) He has a love for music already and sings loudly esp. at the grocery store. He can be SO naughty, but will also put himself in time-out. His favorite things to do right now are play outside, play with cars, trains, or anything with wheels, and yet he also loves to read or sit and work on puzzles. I LOVE spending my days with him, and even though I enjoy a break now and then, I always look forward to having him back by my side! He is my little buddy and what a privilege it is to be given the responsibility of being his mom!!

So, my "normal" may not be the kind of life I dreamed of as a little girl. Marrying the "man of my dreams" only to lose him 7 years later and be left with a child to raise on my own is not exactly the way one pictures it. But, God knew even when I was a little girl that this would be my life. He was preparing me for it at a young age when my daddy taught me to swing my arm out as if I were casting my fishing line and recite, "Cast all your cares on Him, because He cares for you. I Peter 5:7". He knew that when I went through Mrs. Keys' Sunday School class and memorized all of my ABC verses and as many other passages as I could (I was a little competitive) that those words would be hidden in my heart for life! He prepared me with a foundation that was strong enough to hold me up even when the floods came and wanted to wash my house down. I was not strong enough on my own, but HE was and STILL is!! I am not saying that I have not had my questions or even asked, "Why God?" or "Do you really think I can handle this?!" In all of my hurt, I have had a lot of questions and fears, but I have never once doubted that God was still there and I know He still cares for me.

Long Days, Short years!

I often heard this saying before I had a child and could only imagine what it really meant. Now, I think I get it! It has been a VERY long week, but so covered in prayer. I am STILL surrounded by such faithful friends who have not forgotten me and continue to be there for me. I just hope I can be half as good of friend to them. I feel like this last year, I have just taken so much and not given back much at all. The year went by SO quickly, but each day felt incredibly long. Some were longer and harder than others, but every morning God granted me the mercy and strength to carry on and continue in this journey of life on the earth He created.

Ethan was very sick this week. I kind of think it was just the enemy trying to get me down. It started with a simple case of pink eye and then developed into a stomach virus and extremely high fevers, esp. peaking at night. It was almost 105 degrees one night and the nurse on the other end of the phone said, "If it doesn't go down in the next hour you need to get him to the ER to avoid brain damage." NOT exactly the words a mother wants to hear when she is trying to stay calm. Amazingly, even though I was functioning on such little sleep, God provided the comfort I needed. I was really at peace about the whole thing and only a little freaked out the next day when it was all better. He provided a phone call in the middle of the night (Thanks, Joy!) to just have someone to talk while waiting for the nurse to call back. It is nights like those that I miss Rich even more. I was trying to figure out how I would even drive my sick little guy to the ER because I wasn't about to put him in the backseat in a carseat away from me when he was shaking and breathing so hard. I guess there is always an ambulance, but I just wasn't really even thinking clearly enough to think to call for that! Anyway, kids ARE resilient and for that I am very thankful! He is on the mend with just a low-grade temp and a nasty cold now. I am continually amazed how they seem to bounce back from events like that.

Other than Ethan being sick, it has been a good week! I was once again SO encouraged by the emails, phone calls, cards, and AMAZING prayer warriors that committed to pray for Ethan and me AND for the rest of my family. With the start of school, there are many memories that are flooding back. For the most part, they are once again, little traditions we had. Being a teacher myself, I remember how stressful this time of year was as I was trying to prepare my classroom, go to long in-service meetings, and say good-bye to my summer. When I began staying home with Ethan, I tried so hard to make going back to school a fun thing for Rich. It was actually ME that encouraged him to go on one last "fun trip" last year before the start of school. It is tempting to let myself fall into the "guilt trap" of it all. I remember Rich even saying the morning of, that he just wanted to spend his last couple of days with us and maybe he shouldn't go. As I think back, it is pretty amazing how God just allowed us to have certain time and discussions together. I had somehow talked Rich into watching "The Notebook" the night before. He wasn't much of one for the "romantic movies" and yet I convinced him he would like it because it had James Gardner in it. :-) He actually did think it was sweet and even said at the end that he would stay with me, at my side, just as he did in the movie, even through her alzheimer's disease. I know he would of too. It is hard to think that you commit and marry someone until "death do us part" thinking that death will be at an old age. I am having a bit of a hard time rewiring my thinking realizing that death has parted us. Yet, I will always love him and I haven't quite come to terms with the fact that I am NOT really married anymore. I really hate the word "widow", but I also can't legally claim that I am married. THEN, there is the whole idea of remarriage...I have already had so many people talk to me about this, but I just can't see how one is supposed to love two men. Hmmm...this could get way too theological and maybe a bit too much to think about at 11:50 at night. Anyway, we DID have some precious time together even discussing death the night before it all happened. AND, on the way to drop him off, for some reason, I took the completely wrong way and took an extra long time getting there. I remember him asking why I turned at the lake and I told him I just wanted to soak up some extra moments with him before he left. I AM thankful that I got to say, "good-bye" and tell him I love him. Some people are never given that opportunity when an accident and sudden death occur. I am SO very thankful God knew what I needed.

Speaking of long days, short years, I am shocked that a year has gone by and I still have one major task to accomplish that I dread. Somehow, I never manged to get up to the school to clean out Rich's office. He was fortunate enough to have an office off of his classroom where he was able to store a lot of "extras" and make his classroom a bit more of a home away from home. Since he spent so much time up there with teaching and coaching, this was really nice for him. I planned many times to go up there to take care of this, but something would always prevent it from happening. So, tomorrow (the day before school starts) I plan to spend my day up there packing up and bringing home another piece of Rich's life. Everytime I feel like I have made it over a huge hurdle, there just seems to be another one right ahead of me. Thankfully, God has proven to be faithful before, and so I trust Him to be faithful to give me the strength once again. Each time I think, "I just can't do that", He proves that HE CAN!! So, even though tomorrow may be a LONG day, I pray that in some miraculous way, I can maybe not just get through it, but even find some joy in the process.

"The Biblical View is that waiting is not so much about when I will get what I'm waiting for, but what I will become as I wait" -Dr. Paul David Tripp

Bittersweet...

Today I was able to welcome a new family member into the world...Cassidy Annalise Kearn. She is beautiful with a head full of dark curly hair. As I drove up to the hospital to hold her, I thought how nice it will be to have a birthday to celebrate every Aug. 6th. There will still be a constant reminder in the back of my head about other events that took place this day, but how wonderful that God blessed our family with NEW life and something so sweet to celebrate.

Aug. 6th was probably the hardest day of all! This was the day of waiting. My stomach aches just thinking about it. I remember being sent home about 4:30 am to try and get some sleep. A few family members came with me and they all crashed on the floor and in beds around my house. I just sat on the couch and thought, "How can you all sleep?!!" I know everyone was exhausted and I wasn't really angry at them for sleeping, but my mind was not going to shut off enough for me to do the same. I remember pulling out the video camera and watching every moment of it I could where Rich was taped so that I could hear his voice, hear his laughter, and see his face. I knew...deep down, I think God had already given me a peace that He was gone and in His presence. But, of course, I was NOT going to accept this until I got the phone call saying they had found his body. I kept thinking, "He is SO strong!" Maybe he pulled through it and is just on a bank somewhere exhausted and waiting for help. Maybe he is wandering around looking for help. But, this was not the case. It was the next day that he was found by construction workers as they worked on the Topeka Blvd. bridge. How ironic that they finished this bridge exactly one year later and had it flashed all over the news.

I welcome Cassidy (meaning curly haired clever girl) into this family with a smile and such joy. Yet, honestly, there is a small part of me that is sad as I hold her...wishing I had a baby girl of my own. Also, wishing I had Rich here to share a family with me- together. I always dreamed of having a family with several children. I absolutely LOVE kids. My ambition in life, though small in the world's standards, was to be a "Mommy." Yes, I had my moments of wanting to be a vet or a doctor, but mostly, I just wanted to be a mom! I decided to be a teacher because I thought this would be good training for being a mom. Honestly, it was excellent! It taught me a lot about myself and children. I LOVED the classes in college on child development. It fascinated me to learn about their mental, physical, and emotional development. As I watch my two year old grow, I have to be a little careful to not put him in a box as I see him go through the different stages. There is nothing more exciting to me than watching the world through the eyes of a child! Their curiosity is amazing as they explore the world around them looking at every detail of God's creation. I could spend hours with Ethan just teaching him and learning from him about God by playing in the backyard!! I love it!

As I think about my future, I feel at peace about God's plan for my life. He created me with the desire to love children. Maybe this is for another purpose than to fill my own home with them. He HAS blessed me with one and for that I am so very thankful!! Having a child keeps me grounded and also prevents me from being too self-absorbed!! Whenever I want to feel sorry for myself, God quickly distracts me with someone smaller having a greater, or at least a more urgent need. Also, there is not much I can think of that is more humbling than being a mother. You can do everything right and your child will STILL throw a complete fit at the grocery store or throw up all over you at the most inconvenient times! :-) (Yes, this HAS happened to me!)

So, even though holding Cassidy made me a bit sad, I mostly felt like I could rejoice in God's perfect plan. He KNEW the day we would all enter and leave this world the moment He breathed life into us! He does NOT make mistakes and I am going to continue to hold my life and my son's life in the palm of His hand. I learned this past year that the words, "Fear Not" appear in the Bible 365 times. I don't think that is a coincidence! I need to fear not every day of the year! Job and Paul seemed to have a way of delighting in God's unpredictability. I want to find that kind of maturity in my walk with Him daily!! As I looked back in my journal this past year, I was encouraged by a quote a wrote down during a Grief Share session..."Live in the exclamation point of what we know about God and not in the question mark of what we don't understand." To live this way, I must continue to strive to know more and more about God, so that I can truly live in the exclamation point of who He is!!

At Peace...

Psalm 71:20
Though you have made me see troubles, many & bitter,
You will restore my life again;
From the depths of the earth
You will bring me up again.

My dad sent me this verse within the first week of my many "troubles" last year. It has become so true in my life...God is continuing to restore my life. The amazing part is that I can see progress and that He IS faithful to bring me up again and again!

My mom has blessed me today by taking Ethan for a few hours and giving me the gift of time. Time to myself, time to reflect, time to pray, time to soak up God's Word, and even time to clean! (Though I have to admit the cleaning has not taken a priority in my life today!)

I am astounded at the number of people that are praying for me today!! It is VERY humbling to have so much love and time invested in my life. Even though I should not be surprised, I have experience so much peace today. Yes, the tears have come...It is impossible for me to go before God and not be completely honest with my heart and feelings. But even though there is still sadness, I have experienced peace and even joy through the tears as I pray.

As I visited the river with my family on Sunday night, many memories flooded my head. There were so many that I quickly wanted to wipe away completely. Yet, even with the horror of the events of the night, I was AMAZED that I could sit there and experience such peace about it all. I didn't have the same feelings of fear, anxiety, horror, and doubt that I had experienced the year before as I sat on the river bank. I could sit there with 100% assurance that Rich had just spent the best year of his life in Heaven away from all pain, suffering, and sin. I remembered a quote from the late Dr. Bill Bright (founder of Campus Crusade for Christ) saying, "I am far better off in the presence of the King and Kings and the Lord of Lords, my Wonderful Savior, than I could ever be here on earth."

Heaven has become so much more of a reality to me this past year...so much closer to my heart. Though I still have so many unanswered questions about heaven and all it entails, I am now more excited than ever to spend eternity with my Lord and Savior and my loved ones I was privileged to know here on earth. I reminded daily that it is really what we do for Christ that lasts. Our purpose is to be fishers of men and to love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul, and mind; to live a life of worship! I want to enter into heaven someday feeling as if I truly know Christ as an intimate friend. How terrible it would be to stand before the throne and know that I had not spoken to Him for days or even weeks!! I know our expectations will be blown away when we are able to actually meet Him face to face. It just makes me giddy to even think about it! How fortunate Rich is to be able to experience that now and to be spared from a long life of sin, pain, and the nature of our world. Yet, I know Christ has me here for a reason, and what may seem like a long life ahead, could be so short. Even if it is a "normal" life span, it IS so short in comparison to eternity!! Even though my heart longs to have Rich back here by my side, I don't think I could selfishly wish him back, even if I were given the opportunity. Oh yes, there are definitely moments or even days that I long for that, but then I refocus and I realize that he is right where I desire to be myself!

Again, I am overwhelmed, but should not be surprised, that I am experiencing such peace today. I know many prayers are covering me and my family. These prayers are protecting me from the enemy and His desire to steal my joy. My God is tenderly holding me in His arms today. What a Mighty God we serve!!

My weekend was filled with so much joy too! It was great being surrounded by friends who care so deeply for Ethan and me and desire to be involved in Ethan's life as he grows. It was so encouraging to me as I watched Ethan crawl into a tent with John (3 weeks younger) and his daddy, Casey. Casey was so willing to let Ethan experience some "man" time with his boy as they wrestled around in the tent together. Ethan was so excited to camp and had NO problem with me leaving him for the night as he quickly crawled into the tent and said, "John, in tent! Shoes off, John!" :-) (He is STILL talking about camping each night as I put him to bed.) I may have to camp out with him a few nights in the backyard just to appease him!

The next morning he made me laugh as he ran back and forth from one baby pool to the other literally doing cannon balls or diving head first into them! The guys laughed too as they said, "Rich would be doing the exact same thing if he were here!" We had some sweet moments together singing and listening to Shelby read from the Word as we had "church" in the pasture. We decided to make it an annual tradition every first weekend in August. I was thrilled! How nice to have something to look forward to each year instead of something to dread as THE weekend approaches. What Godly examples Ethan is surrounded by in Topeka, Derby, Rose Hill, Hartford, Plymouth, NE, and all over the world! I know Rich must be smiling as he looks down and sees his friends and family step into Ethan's life and fulfill that fatherly role. I now understand what God is saying when he says in His word He will be a "Father to the Fatherless". He is supplying that need for Ethan through so many Godly men!

Though there are still SO many hard days ahead, I know I can never say that I will doubt God's provision in my life. He has been so faithful and provided above and beyond what I could have ever asked for or expected. I even feel a little guilty at times...I mean, honestly! I have had more drinks from Starbuks this past year than I have my whole life! I would have never spent the money for drinks there before. I have been given so many gift cards for this or that and I guess people just thought I may need the caffeine...He he!! Which, there have definitely been days that I HAVE!! But, not just the gifts, but the eternal impact people have had in my life through their prayers, encouragement, hugs, presence, time, service, and so much more. I am a forever changed person not just from my loss, but from truly experiecing the body of Christ in my life!

Thanks for the prayers today and always!!