Waiting...

I just got done going in for the last tuck in of the night. I usually give Ethan some time to "read" and settle himself down and then go in for one last kiss and sometimes if he is really chatty, we talk for a bit before saying good night. Tonight, he was really into talking about eyes. It is so interesting how little kids get hung up on something and sometimes I can figure out where it came from, but it often seems like such a random thought to me. I'm sure there was something that led his mind down this trail, but who knows?! He was telling me that he had blue eyes and mommy had blue eyes and he continued on with Grandmother, Granddad, Nana, Papa, and finally daddy. I was surprised that he actually got them all right...green, blue, brown, blue, and blue. As I laid there listening to him continue on with blue doggie and watching him look at him and notice that his eyes were black, my mind wandered a bit as I thought of his daddy's blue eyes. Oh, his deep blue, almost always laughing or smiling blue eyes. They were what first attracted me to him. No, it was not what I first noticed. I actually remember meeting him and a bunch of his friends as he was snorting jello in the cafeteria at K-State and all the guys were SO impressed while the girls (esp. me) were grossed out! :-) At the time I didn't really care to know the guy, but somehow years later, he inched his way into my heart and I am so glad he did. However, I never let him forget about the jello!

Lately, I have been feeling as if life is still moving ahead and yet I am just kind of stuck, watching it all move forward...Ethan growing up and changing, married friends growing their families, single friends beginning new dating relationships, and here I am wondering what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I know that ultimately my purpose is to know and grow in my relationship with my Lord. But, what about the living on earth stuff. Part of that is so insignificant and doesn't really matter, but I almost feel like my life has just stopped a bit. Don't get me wrong...I still have so much hope as God fills my life with opportunities to invest in others' lives, build relationships, share about Him, and even grow in my own knowledge of Him. But, I guess I just wonder if this is it as far as having that special someone by my side to share in all of the joys and sorrows together. I have discovered there is still grief...getting away on the cruise was amazing! I was able to have some time to myself and to think through some things...to evaluate where I am at and what I want to do. Yet, as I looked back over the past couple of months, I could see where I had filled every free moment with something or someone...not allowing myself to feel lonely. As the grief becomes less intense, I am faced with the harsh reality of being ALONE! As I thought about it, I realized that I have NEVER lived alone. I went from home, to college with roommates, to marriage. I have always surrounded myself with people. I LOVE people. I love to be social and relational. Yet, I started wondering if I was using people as a crutch because I didn't want to face the loneliness and quietness and having no one there. I now have a child that lives with me that I love and adore and demands my attention. Yet, after I put him to bed, the house becomes quiet. I am not really into tv and so my options are the housework, other odd jobs, the computer, the phone, and reading. Thankfully my mom told us from a young age, "Boredom is a choice." I truly believe this and never really find myself becoming bored, but loneliness is something that can hit you even when you are busy doing three things at one time!

So now the questions begin...what AM I supposed to do from here? The big dating question has begun to surface and I have even gone on a few dates. Am I ready? That is a complicated question to answer. In some ways, I am SO ready. I LOVED being a wife. I think waiting is almost harder now because I know what it is like to be married and though it IS work and I have a better and more realistic view of it all now than when I was 23, I miss having my best friend by my side as I experience life through the ups and downs. Will I find a new best friend? I don't know. If not, I don't plan to get married again. Though I would love for my sweet boy to have a daddy and to grow my family, those are not good enough reasons to get married. God continues to take care of our needs in the most miraculous ways and put men in Ethan's path that love on him, rough house with him, teach and instruct him, and though (if I am 100% honest) if frightens me a bit to raise a boy on my own, I am trusting God with him. Whenever I start to feel like it is all on my shoulders, God reminds me that ultimately, Ethan is HIS child. God has given me a great responsibility, but not without His support. Even as I type this, I can still hear Ethan singing (quite loudly- ha) "Jesus loves me, ohhhh, yes he loves me" It just makes my heart fill with joy. God has used him so much to prove to me over and over again that He DOES have a hand in our lives and cares so deeply about our most intimate needs! What a blessing it is to have my sweet boy, a little piece of Rich, and to have faith like a child!!

My mind is just swirling with thoughts tonight and I don't feel like I am able to write them out very clearly. I just wanted to update my blog a bit to let Ethan know as he reads this someday as an adult, that God continues to work even in our confusion, in our waiting, and in our questions. We don't have to know all the answers. We just have to continue to step forward in faith and trust that He DOES have the answers and the best plan for our lives. So, I guess I kind of answered my own questions. :-) Funny how God does that when we just open our hearts to Him!

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." ~Psalm 27:14

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope." ~Psalm 130:5

Cruisin' Along...

As I spend time tonight packing for my upcoming cruise, I am filled with a variety of emotions. I want so badly to be thrilled to enjoy such an amazing experience. Yet, there is a part of me that is so torn up inside. This was a trip that was "supposed" to be taken with my partner of ten years. We were so excited to dream big and start saving for our vacation and celebration of marriage. Not knowing what God had in store for us with family planning and all, we realized that this would have to be somewhat flexible, but the jar continued to be filled and as the mark grew closer, we were getting excited to think this was actually attainable!

Yet, like I said, I had no idea what God had in store for me. I am still so thrilled at the opportunity to go and to enjoy some time away with some dear girlfriends, but there is a part of me that is just aching inside as I think about Rich and how all of my "happy moments" were always so much happier when he was by my side. Rich used to always tell me that when he was away from me and experiencing something fun and exciting, he wished I could be there to experience it with him because it was always that much better with me by his side. I had to agree. There is something special about sharing those moments with the person on earth that you love the most! Awww...so as I think about this cruise, I am filled with such excitement and so much sadness all rolled into one. I want so badly to just enjoy it, and I think I will once I am on my way, but the process of preparing has been a difficult one.

Along with the mix of feelings, I am also experiencing guilt. I feel almost embarrassed to tell people I am going thinking that I should not be enjoying such an extravagant trip. So many people have expressed their genuine happiness and excitement for me and I know everyone wants me to have fun in life, but it is just hard to really accept all the good that has been given to me. I know others have trials and hardships too and I feel like so much attention has been poured out in my direction that others' pain and suffering may have been overlooked at times. I want everyone to experience the true love of the body of Christ and God's faithfulness in their lives as I have in my own. I want them to see what a mighty God we serve and remember that we all have trials, but God is capable of granting the grace to get through it ALL. I was reminded when meeting with a friend recently, how truly sheltered we Christians in America are to the real meaning of persecution and suffering. It is so commonplace in some areas of the world for Christians to be harassed, raped, beaten, and even killed just for claiming their love for Christ. And though I do not want to lose my mercy for others and their hardships, I want to keep my perspective clear on our eternal purpose on this earth and not get so caught up in these sufferings or my own "woe is me" moments. I want to be a martyr in the right sense of the word. I know God can be glorified even in my life as I experience the joy of traveling with friends on my cruise. Yet, I still struggle a bit with letting myself 100% truly enjoy moments. It is a sign to me that I have not completely let go of the grief in my life, even though I so desperately want to release it! It is a bit of a stronghold that I realize I need to give up to God because I don't want it to hold me back from living life and moving on with my life. I know God still has great plans for my future and it excites me so much when I see the way he continues to use me and work in my life. I am working on finding the balance of letting the grief go, and yet still allowing God to use my experience to reach others.

If I am completely honest, another emotion I am also experiencing as I plan to leave is a bit of fear. You would think with all that I have been through, I would learn to trust God with my life and the life of my son. Yet, I still struggle a bit as I think of leaving Ethan and the thought of what if I don't return. When I really think about it, I know that I am Not in control of my life and so I need to just let go and trust. But, I still have this motherly nature that does not want to see my son hurt or suffer if I have anything to say about it. I would rather lose him than have him go through the suffering of losing both parents. We have talked about me leaving and it is so hard because he gets all upset and doesn't want me to go. I know he will be fine and is being left in good hands, but I also fear a bit for his emotional well being. At one point this week, he said, "Mommy die too?" I wanted to cancel the cruise right then and there. Yet, I know from personal experience that it doesn't really matter if I am here in Topeka or across the world...God is in control! I told him those exact words, "God is in control, sweetheart, and he loves you very much!"

So, as I pack my bags to set sail on Sunday, I covet your prayers for a vacation that is filled with joy as I take time away to refresh my mind, body, and soul. I pray that my son will be secure in knowing that God loves him and that the time will pass quickly for him without fear or sadness of his mommy being away.

Another Miracle Moment(s)!!

Once again, God never ceases to amaze me with His provision and care of my life. As I called around comparing prices for tires for my car today, I was a little surprised at the actual cost of the whole process of buying and installing four new tires. My dad had warned me, but with my couponing and bargaining ways, I hoped I could find a better deal than what he had estimated. Before Christmas, some friends of mine had sent me a gift card to Sears to use "as needed" or to use to buy gifts. Such a thoughtful and timely gift (esp. since they knew nothing about my tire needs). I held on to it and decided I would use it towards tires if I could get a good deal through Sears. Well, then when I got back from Texas, my parents gave me an anonymous gift card from someone for $100 more dollars! I was amazed at the generosity of these people in my life and starting to feel very confident that the tires were going to be purchased soon. THEN, today, I went out to my mailbox and there was a card with an anonymous $500 gift! AMAZING! I just stood at the mailbox and started to cry and laugh at the same time. This may sound a bit crazy because I know it was just someone who truly loves our Lord enough to give so generously, but one of the reasons I cried immediately was because there was a short sweet note inside and the handwriting looked JUST like Rich's. It said, "God's strength and love are evident in your life- you have brought Him much glory!" It was SO encouraging to me and gave me just what I needed to continue pressing on towards the finish line. God is SO faithful, SO loving, SO caring, SO just, SO patient, SO perfect and I am SO thankful I have a relationship with Him!!