I'm too blessed to be stressed!

In the grand scheme of things, what are a few piles or unfinished tasks? I have a real life example of that in my life. My dear husband left many unfinished tasks, and yes, quite a few piles and other things left undone. But, honestly, did they hurt anyone or keep him from entering into the gates of heaven? No!! Yes, I had a lot of "tasks" to take care of and even some business that may have been nice to not have had to deal with, but overall, it was not something that ruined my life and actually, I even learned quite a bit in the process. The hardest part about it all was missing Rich in the process and wishing he were here by my side as I was constantly reminded of him. But honestly, he knew how to live each day to the fullest and did not worry about the little things. The important tasks, those that involved being a part of the lives of those around him, were taken care of to the best of his ability. He was SO busy working so many hours (3 jobs- teaching, coaching, and supervising at Timberline). Yet, even in the midst of his busyness, he was investing his life in those he was around. It was so important to him that I was able to stay home and invest in the life of our child, our home, and him. He didn't mind the sacrifice of the long hours. Even though there were so many times he would fall into bed around 1:30 am or even later just to awake at 6:00 the next morning, he would do this over and over again because he loved us and wanted to provide the best for our family.

So, now that I am feeling better (thanks to the meds!), I am thinking a bit more clearly about my perspective on life. Who cares if I have a few unfinished tasks? I am realizing that it is even okay if I grab clothes from the laundry basket and they never make it into the drawers. These little things don't need to rob me of my joy and especially don't need to take away from my time working on completing the important tasks at hand...my son, my family, my friends, my neighbors, my Lord!! The other things are all going to turn into dust, but the souls of these people and the relationship that I have with my Lord are going to last forever!!

As I think more and more about my schedule, I am going to work really hard on being organized to schedule my life in a way that allows balance. Today as I was talking to my sister on the phone, she was helping me realize that it is important to even put things like my trips to the grocery store, library, etc. on the calendar. Then, I am able to look at my schedule and know when to say no so that I don't end up with a week with not even a minute to take an extra trip to the bathroom! :-) This also allows me to schedule times where I am just AT HOME and investing in my son's life and implementing all of the creative fun activities I have planned for him. After all, I am SO blessed to be home with him, so I need to take the opportunity to be home.

I still am not sure what I believe about heaven and our loved ones that are there. So many people say that Rich is looking down on us and smiling. A part of me so much wants to believe that he is not missing out on Ethan's life and watching him grow. Yet, a part of me also thinks, surely there is too much going on in heaven for them to even think about what is going on here on earth. Plus, if there is no sorrow or tears, how could they really see what is going on here without experiencing those feelings unless they can also see how the end result is good and God's glory in it all. It's just too much for me to wrap my little mind around at times. I DO know that God's word says that the angels and the saints rejoice when someone comes to know Christ. So, I am thinking they probably somehow are aware of these happenings. My biggest prayer is that Rich will be able to rejoice with Jesus when Ethan accepts Him into his life!

The past few nights, my heart has been so touched by Ethan's sweet heart. He has such a love for music! It is so much fun to watch him play the piano, strum the guitar while I play chords, and sing and dance to CDs or the radio. His latest love has been to sing along (always a phrase behind!) It is so adorable...a constant echo as he tries to keep up with the lyrics. The last two nights he has sung himself to sleep. We always pray together before bed and I often sing a song or two as he quietly listens. Well, lately, he has been joining in and then continuing after I leave. Last night it was, "I lub you Lod" (I love you Lord) over and over again. Tonight he was singing "This light of mine...SHINE!" I peeked in and he was waving his little pointer finger around. Now honestly, how can one be stressed out when one is SO blessed?!! There is nothing that keeps you more grounded than having a child. Their perspective is so right on at times. I completely can understand why Jesus said we need to have faith like a child. They believe and trust so easily and the other things just don't seem so important! So, maybe I need to change my focus from "perfect trust" to "child-like trust".

Another thing I wanted to remember and to blog for Ethan's future reference is the blessing of God's provision!! I want him to see that God HAS provided for us in every way possible! Many many people ask me, "When are you going back to work?" I know they are just curious how we are getting by with me staying home with Ethan. It is through MANY resources that this has been possible. I HAVE had to work, but not a typical full-time job that requires me to leave Ethan during his best hours and be home only in time to feed and put him to bed. I am SO very thankful for this AMAZING blessing!! God has provided me with jobs that, for the most part, allow me to take Ethan with me. I am able to clean houses (once a week & I take Ethan with me), work as a Stampin' Up! consultant (mostly from home), work as a wedding liaison for TBC (mostly from home with just a few weekends here and there away), and a nursery coordinator for the fellowship groups at Good News (where I can take Ethan with me!). Also, I receive a S.S. payment each month thanks to Rich's hard work still paying off! And the BIGGEST blessing of all has been the amazing support of mostly anonymous givers through church and friends. I have been blown away by the way others have stepped up to take care of our needs. Our utilities are STILL being paid, I still receive anonymous financial gifts in the Heyroth fund, I received a HUGE gift from my college friends, and the list goes on. (In fact, one small group at church [not even my own] gave me enough money to cover a huge portion of the funeral costs! My hope is that I will be able to stay home with Ethan until he goes to school. At that point, I am hoping to enter a nursing program to become an RN. I really think this is going to be possible just because God continues to provide through others around me and through great job opportunities.

Things could have been so different. Though, I know God would have given me the strength to survive, I am SO thankful I don't have to face that scenerio. Honestly, because of the love that has been showered over me, I think I have been able to have the time to grieve properly and in a healthy way. It has allowed me to be with Ethan too. I think things could have been very different for him as well if his dad AND his mom were torn away from him so suddenly. I was able to be there for him as he grieved too in his child-like understanding of what was taking place. God used Ethan in my life too to remind me daily that there was still so much to live for and that God is still SO at work in our lives. He continues to show that to me through the life of this small child.

AND the blessing list continues.... (througout this past year)
My homemakeover- including painting, light fixtures, tile in kitchen and entryway, railing installed, bathroom hardware AND an amazing fence for my son's safety in the backyard.
Gift Cards- Panera, Kohls, Starbucks, Sonic, McDonald's, the Mall, Timberline, Children's Place, Gap, His & Her Salon, A Free massage, Movie tickets, Dillon's, Target, Wal-Mart, Eagle Auto Wash
Food- Meals from Aug-Nov '07 brought to me at least once a week!
Household items-I had everything from toilet paper to toothpaste to dishwashing detergent delivered to me in August of '07
Diapers- I had about 10 jumbo size boxes of diapers delivered in Aug '08
Painting- The SHHS teachers completed painting my house and trimming within the first week of the accident!
Cards- I have not officially counted these yet, but I have a large box FULL of cards that I plan to put in binders to share with Ethan some day. Almost every one had a personal note written in it. A few people have sent me at LEAST ten-twenty different cards! (They have shown me what having the gift of encouragement is really all about!)
Phone calls & emails- I have had people not only write me, but check-in on me and require a response. They have lovingly pulled me out when I just wanted to hide away!
Flowers- The flowers that Rich so lovingly gave have not ended...so many have sent them at JUST the right times!
Computer Monitor- I even had a computer monitor GIVEN to me when mine went black! Within a day of needing one, it was provided!! (And it is a much nicer one than the one I had, I might add!) Amazing!

Can you believe that list?!!

I have been not only blessed, but completely spoiled!

Most of these things took place right away in Aug. '07. But God has continued to supply ALL of my needs and many of these blessings were enough to be stretched FAR into that first year. I need to note that these things do not take away the pain, hurt, and suffering of losing someone you love so dearly. BUT, God has used not the things, but the people to show me He is in control and that I have nothing to fear. He has also used these people to fill me up when I am hurting, to actually physically touch me and give me a hug I need, to listen, to encourage, to direct me, to guide me to His word (My favorite cards were those filled with verses!), and to just love me through it all!!

I can honestly say that I have NO reason to ever doubt God's provision in my life now or ever in my future. What a mighty God we serve!

Thank you, Lord for allowing me to be a part of your plan. Thank you for surrounding me with people who love you enough to shower me with their generous hearts, time, and resources!
Keep my focus on what is eternally important. I have suffered more in this past year than I have over the course of my entire life. Yet, I have also experienced more blessings than I have ever before! Thank you that nothing happens in our life that does not first go through Your hand. "You turned my wailing into dancing and removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." (Psalm 30:11-12) I pray that I will continue to trust you day by day by day...through the suffering and the blessings. You ARE my refuge and my strength.