It is that time of year again...the "Most Wonderful Time of the Year". My favorite season is actually fall, winter, spring, and summer. :-) There are just things I love about every season!! Yet, there IS something special about this time of year. There are two ways I can choose to approach the upcoming holidays...
1) With joy and excitement of ALL I have to be thankful for and been given OR
2) With grief and sadness of ALL that is missing
I choose to go with choice #1!! JUST as I sat down to blog tonight, I received such an encouraging email from a friend. It reminded me that God's plan is SO much bigger than I could ever imagine for my life. In it there was a reference to the verse Jeremiah 29:11...one that I have been reminded of a lot lately. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"....BUT it continues..."Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." People often forget the next two verses. These verses are not really about ME at all. They are about GOD! Our whole purpose on this earth is not really about ME, it is about HIM! His plan to prosper me is for HIS glory. YES, I know I have hope and a future...that is made very clear throughout His Word as we look forward to our eternity with Him. My whole purpose on this earth is really just to lead others to His feet; not to mine! When I take the focus off of myself and am reminded of this truth, I am able to choose choice #1 with all of my heart!
There is still loneliness and are moments of deep hurt as I read FB status after FB status of those sweet husbands and new babies. Yet, God didn't say His plan would be free of pain, just free of harm. He does not allow anything to happen in my life that does not fit into His perfect plan. Maybe he brought me into this world with the sole purpose of having me marry Rich and allow me to lose him tragically so that more people would be able to join us all in eternity. There HAS been so much fruit that has come from this all. I know He has and will continue to use me for other purposes as well. But, whatever it may be, I pray that I would be able to seek HIM with all of my heart and learn to perfectly trust Him along the way.
I am SO far from where I would like to be in my journey of Perfect Trust. One would think after God has continued to show Himself to me over and over again, it would be a breeze. But, nope, I STILL have to wake up each morning and choose that I will follow Him. Life is ALL about choices. It comes up in mothering often as I talk to my three year old about "making good choices". I think there are times when I should probably go to "time-out" myself so that I can think through the decisions I have made.
I would like to think that I will get through Thanksgiving and the whole month of December without a single tear. But, realistically, I know that is not going to happen. I still am going to miss Rich. I'm not sure that will ever completely go away. But, I WILL have Holiday Joy! After all, Christmas is, once again, NOT ABOUT US! I am reminded to face the holidays with one of my favorite quotes in mind "Happiness is based on circumstances, but JOY is based on God!" Even in moments of sadness, one can be SO filled with Joy! It never leaves us when we have Christ in our lives...and for THAT, I am SO Thankful!! :-)
Still getting used to my "new normal" a bit, but SO thankful I do have a future here on earth and in eternity with my Jesus! Since I have been blessed with another day, I choose to live it with a thankful heart....
Knowing You
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
The Rollercoaster Continues...
Well, I began the month of October full of so much hope for my future and ended it crying out to God for strength to just make it through another day. Life is so full of ups and downs...esp when raising a THREE year old!
To be perfectly honest, today was the most dreadful day! This past week, I have been really struggling with the idea of Ethan growing up without a daddy. I feel like I am cheating him out of so much (not that I chose this life for him OR myself!) I try really hard to wear both the mommy and daddy hat, but often miserably fail. There are moments of great success when I explore the tool box and discover how to use a new tool to fix something or take apart something. I love getting out and getting dirty with Ethan, but I am just very much a mom...it's just who God made me and I can't be a dad for him. The discipline issue is becoming harder and harder as he gets older and smarter and WOW, where did that attitude come from?! I know a lot of these feelings come from just raising a three year old, but I just so wish I could do it WITH someone. It didn't help that I sat through church this morning and the whole service was a guest speaker talking about the importance of the 5th commandment...Honor your Father and Mother...He had to make a point (SEVERAL times!) about how important it is for children to grow up with a father. Yeah, I pretty much fought back the tears the whole service. THEN, I go to pick up my child from Sunday School and get a bad report hearing that he was disrespectful to one of the teachers (my friend, nonetheless) and had a complete meltdown. I was supposed to go to a baby shower, but ended up just dropping the gift off because I didn't want to ruin the shower by breaking down in tears wishing I could also have another baby. Ok, I'm sure this is really just sounding like a big woe is me entry, but I just decided I needed to get it all out. I KNOW God is going to help me through this moment of weakness in my trust in Him. He's brought me through so much before, surely He can get me back up that hill and rejoice in His faithfulness once again.
Ok, ok, let me get my head back on and out of this pit!! Yes, sometimes my life is rough (but who doesn't have those rough spots?!) Sometimes it just outright sucks that I lost my husband and my dream of a family together, but who better to fill that spot than the one who created me and knows every hair on my head? I need to walk in perfect trust that He KNOWS what is best for me and when I need it. Right now, for some crazy reason, He must think that I am enough for Ethan. Even though in my eyes, I can't imagine I am doing enough, I am giving that up to Him. Ultimately, Ethan is really His child anyway!
As I was sitting here, pouring out my thoughts on the computer, I once again was drawn to the two books that sit by my computer and that inspired this whole blog..."Perfect Trust" and my Bible. I stopped and was directed to the story of Elijah. What better story than to prove that I CAN trust God for the impossibilities. The word impossible probably wasn't even in Elijah's vocabulary when it came to God! If he could walk nearly 100 miles through a journey of what I would definitely call "rough times", surely I can make it through this season of my life. I need to remember that God WILL provide for all of my NEEDS. Though there are things that I THINK we need from time to time, God must be thinking otherwise or they would already be in place. THAT I can trust because He has always proved Himself to be faithful. I read this great quote that was a good reminder of that..."Since He took care of our greatest need at Calvary by giving us Christ, then you can be sure He will take care of everything else He considers important for us." So true! I have HIM!! And with Christ, we can do the impossible...even raise a VERY strong-willed three year old boy. :-) So, goodbye lies about children never turning out okay without a father. Goodbye lies that my son will end up in prison (yes, I have actually been fighting that lie! :-) Goodbye lies that Ethan is being raised without a dad...He's got the best dad there is and HE can conquer the impossible!
So even though the headache is still there and the tears are still wanting to fall, I am going to continue to walk with Him and trust HIM to take care of the rest. Yes, He may get to hear an earful from me tonight, but prayer doesn't really change God...it changes US! So, goodnight for now. I have some changing to do!
To be perfectly honest, today was the most dreadful day! This past week, I have been really struggling with the idea of Ethan growing up without a daddy. I feel like I am cheating him out of so much (not that I chose this life for him OR myself!) I try really hard to wear both the mommy and daddy hat, but often miserably fail. There are moments of great success when I explore the tool box and discover how to use a new tool to fix something or take apart something. I love getting out and getting dirty with Ethan, but I am just very much a mom...it's just who God made me and I can't be a dad for him. The discipline issue is becoming harder and harder as he gets older and smarter and WOW, where did that attitude come from?! I know a lot of these feelings come from just raising a three year old, but I just so wish I could do it WITH someone. It didn't help that I sat through church this morning and the whole service was a guest speaker talking about the importance of the 5th commandment...Honor your Father and Mother...He had to make a point (SEVERAL times!) about how important it is for children to grow up with a father. Yeah, I pretty much fought back the tears the whole service. THEN, I go to pick up my child from Sunday School and get a bad report hearing that he was disrespectful to one of the teachers (my friend, nonetheless) and had a complete meltdown. I was supposed to go to a baby shower, but ended up just dropping the gift off because I didn't want to ruin the shower by breaking down in tears wishing I could also have another baby. Ok, I'm sure this is really just sounding like a big woe is me entry, but I just decided I needed to get it all out. I KNOW God is going to help me through this moment of weakness in my trust in Him. He's brought me through so much before, surely He can get me back up that hill and rejoice in His faithfulness once again.
Ok, ok, let me get my head back on and out of this pit!! Yes, sometimes my life is rough (but who doesn't have those rough spots?!) Sometimes it just outright sucks that I lost my husband and my dream of a family together, but who better to fill that spot than the one who created me and knows every hair on my head? I need to walk in perfect trust that He KNOWS what is best for me and when I need it. Right now, for some crazy reason, He must think that I am enough for Ethan. Even though in my eyes, I can't imagine I am doing enough, I am giving that up to Him. Ultimately, Ethan is really His child anyway!
As I was sitting here, pouring out my thoughts on the computer, I once again was drawn to the two books that sit by my computer and that inspired this whole blog..."Perfect Trust" and my Bible. I stopped and was directed to the story of Elijah. What better story than to prove that I CAN trust God for the impossibilities. The word impossible probably wasn't even in Elijah's vocabulary when it came to God! If he could walk nearly 100 miles through a journey of what I would definitely call "rough times", surely I can make it through this season of my life. I need to remember that God WILL provide for all of my NEEDS. Though there are things that I THINK we need from time to time, God must be thinking otherwise or they would already be in place. THAT I can trust because He has always proved Himself to be faithful. I read this great quote that was a good reminder of that..."Since He took care of our greatest need at Calvary by giving us Christ, then you can be sure He will take care of everything else He considers important for us." So true! I have HIM!! And with Christ, we can do the impossible...even raise a VERY strong-willed three year old boy. :-) So, goodbye lies about children never turning out okay without a father. Goodbye lies that my son will end up in prison (yes, I have actually been fighting that lie! :-) Goodbye lies that Ethan is being raised without a dad...He's got the best dad there is and HE can conquer the impossible!
So even though the headache is still there and the tears are still wanting to fall, I am going to continue to walk with Him and trust HIM to take care of the rest. Yes, He may get to hear an earful from me tonight, but prayer doesn't really change God...it changes US! So, goodnight for now. I have some changing to do!
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