An Open Book...

I have had so many questions in my mind about blogging and if it is really the right thing to do. I feel so vulnerable at times when I actually take the time to think that others may be reading my random thoughts and insights (and sometimes ramblings) about my pursuit of "Perfect Trust" and just day to day dealings with life. Most of the time I think of it as a journal and forget others are possibly reading this. Then, I am reminded by a comment or email or even face-to-face talk about it. Honestly, I have to say that I have been SO encouraged by the comments and they have often spurred me to go on being open about my life. I have been reminded that Christ desires us to be open with our lives so that He can use others in our lives and so that we can also be used in their lives as well. It is through this journey that I have learned the importance of putting aside my pride and letting others see me in my weakness. It is through the times that the world knows that I don't have it all together that God has allowed others to minister to me and even allowed me to share more openly with others. Honestly, I don't think anyone really wants a "perfect" friend. It is through our inadequacies that Christ is able to shine through and others are able to see His work in our lives.

Although (as Joy shared in her comment) I may still have "many walls that need to be torn down," I feel like God is doing that slowly and revealing to me what I need to face when I am ready to face it. This morning my pastor, Jim, shared about a man who had been persecuted for claiming to be a Christian and had to move to America to escape death. When asked if he was afraid he said, "They can kill my body, but they can't kill my soul." He was then asked how he could be so brave. He responded that today he was, but he did not know how he would feel tomorrow and it was only through relying on Christ that he could go on. Even though I am not facing the fear of being killed for my faith in Christ, I have faced fear. I have had many new fears come to the surface through my loss of Rich. I could relate SO closely to this man. I have been asked often how I could remain so strong. I may be having a strong moment now, but I never know what tomorrow will bring. I have to continually, not day by day, but moment by moment continue to give it up to God and trust that He will be strong for me. I was a little thrown off by Jim mentioning me this morning in his sermon. I had no idea that was coming! The tears started again (of course RIGHT when he started talking about me and pointing out where I was sitting!). Yet, they were tears of sadness and joy. Yes, I was choked up by the mention of Rich's death spoken about so openly from the pulpit and the reminder of my loss through not thoughts, but actual words. But, I was also SO encouraged that God had used MY loss to encourage someone else and maybe would help many more people to trust Him through their disappointments in life. Then, after the service I was approached again by the sweetest young lady who encouraged me immensely by taking the time to not only write me, but also to talk to me face to face to tell me how she had been encouraged by my blog as she was facing new challenges and fears preparing to leave for college.

I don't write these things to praise myself for writing a blog, but to remind myself (and others) that God is at work in the smallest things we do and that He WILL work all things together for good and for His glory! (Romans 8:28) I think this verse is often misused and represented when tragedy strikes. It is often the first verse to be quoted and, quite frankly, not the one that the person(s) experiencing tragedy probably wants to hear. :-) It doesn't always mean that we will actually SEE good come from a bad experience. Often, we never even know or comprehend what good there is in the situation. I do, however, believe that God has our BEST in mind and that He desires for us to seek Him through it all. [I must note, though, that this does NOT take away the sadness and grief that one experiences when losing someone special to them. Yes, it is reassuring to know that God is in control, but this does not bring back the person that one loves so dearly. Even Jesus wept when he lost his dear friend, and He even KNOWS everything!! Grief is such a complicated thing!!]

I have been extremely blessed to actually SEE good come from my personal tragedy...lives changed for eternity that may have never sought after God had they not had their eyes opened to Him through this. I have seen other good come from it in the lives of my friends and families and even complete strangers. I have also personally experienced more love and compassion from others than I would have probably ever experienced in my life here on earth. I have actually SEEN a bit of Christ through the lives of others through their selfless gifts of time, service, prayers, monetary donations, and love. As I have mentioned before, there have been so many "miracle moments" where I know only Christ could have made it happen and it was a great reminder to me that He has not forsaken me. My life is forever changed and I pray that even through my lowest points, I will remember that ultimately I am here not for MY good, but for God's glory. Oh how glorious it will be to see the WHOLE picture someday. Our life here on earth is but a snap compared to eternity.

So, as I carry on with my blog and journey through the ups and downs, my prayer is
Romans 12:12 ~ That I may "rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, and devoted to prayer."