Yesterday was a good day, but ended on a sad note. So...I started off this morning diving into TRUTH. God led me straight to Phil. 4:8 and I began to immediately pray that I would be able to focus on truth today and be encouraged by what God had in store for me TODAY...not tomorrow or the next day, but just focus on today.
Amazingly, I got to church and the whole message was ALSO over the Phil. 4:8...hmmm..think God was telling me something?! :-) It was a great and encouraging message that reminded me of the importance of what I take IN will also be reflected on what comes out, not only in my lifestyle, but in my thoughts. I must be SO intentional about taking every thought captive that is not from HIM. I am beginning to realize how sneaky those little lies are and how subtly they come on and then bring me down. My life here on earth is ALWAYS going to be filled with challenges and struggles, but really in the grand scheme of eternity, it is SO short-lived. I want to make EVERY effort to glorify God with my life AND thoughts and believe in HIS truths for my life so that I may be more effective in reflecting HIM with my life. What JOY I experience when I allow Him to work through me this way too!!
As I was preparing for bed tonight, I was reading through Psalm 116. I enjoyed it so much, I was wondering if there were any songs written using lyrics from this chapter. So, I got on Youtube and found a couple. They were ok, but then I stumbled across THIS video about God's love for me FILLED with scripture (TRUTH). It was so encouraging!! I want to copy each verse and fill my bathroom mirror with them all. :-) It made me think about the video I watched last night and how silly it was that it made me so sad...I don't need to write a letter to Rich anymore...He is SO taken care of and LOVING being in the very presence of God!! I never DID get to say good-bye. So, this week, I am going to write one last letter and say my good-byes. It is time to officially let him go...although he will ALWAYS be a part of me, he is no longer a part of my everyday life. I will continue to be forever grateful for the place he had in my life and the way God used him to teach me SO much about Himself. I will continue to love his family and want Ethan to grow up knowing about him and knowing he was SO loved by him. I know there may still be passing memories and even a tear shed here and there throughout my life, but God is not a God of mistakes. He KNEW from the moment He created me, THIS would be my life! And, honestly, even with all of the hurt and pain that comes with life here on earth, I am SO thankful for the life that I have and the plan that God has for me...as long as I allow Him to USE it in my life to draw me closer to Him!! Whatever it takes, God...draw me close to YOU!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggGwDrxrC2k&feature=related
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Wedding Season Begins...
Well, another season has begun...Wedding season. I work as a wedding liaison for my church and so I am not only attending the many weddings of friends and relatives, but also working those of many others that I am getting to know through the process of my job. Weddings are such a happy time and for the most part I just LOVE this time of year and celebrating with all those around me as they commit their life to another individual for the "rest of their lives". To love someone enough to WANT to spend their whole life on earth with that person is something that I DO understand...it is AMAZING to experience just a touch of what unconditional love is in your life and to learn how to return that love unconditionally as well. For humans, it takes a lot of work and commitment, but oh the reward is so amazing!! It was through my seven years of marriage to Rich that I think I first had a real and tangible understanding of God's love for me. My parents loved me unconditionally, but I was too focused on myself and immature to really grasp the depth of the meaning of it all until I was an adult. It was through my marriage that I started to really understand the idea of being the bride of Christ. Wow...how amazing that HE is truly my first husband who loves me perfectly in every way!! He can meet every need and desire that no human could ever even begin to fill in my life.
Yet, even with this knowledge and SO desperately seeking after God to FILL that need in my life, I DO still miss the tangible love of having Rich in my life. As I attended a wedding today of my friend Sarah, I could see so much of me in her and so much of Rich in her NOW husband, Erik. As they said their vows, a bit of me found myself getting a bit choked up and thinking, "Don't let a tear fall because you know it won't be just one!" As they committed to love each other until "death do us part", I just breathed in deeply and said a quick prayer for them that they would only experience that at an old age or that Christ would return so they would never experience it at all. I remember saying those words and thinking how sweet it would be to grow old with dear Rich and to watch our children grow up and to even enjoy grandchildren together. Honestly, it never really crossed my mind that life would turn out this way.
God is CONTINUING to teach me to trust Him through it all and most days I feel very confident in His plan for my life and even excited about what is to come!! But, if I am completely honest, there ARE still days that I have to fight off the lies of my future being pretty bleak and lonely and hopeless. I STILL miss him after almost two years...TWO years it will be this summer since I lost him. Honestly, I think there will always be a part of me that misses him. As I heard this song tonight I was blown away by how it just brought me to tears...thinking, "If only I could just talk to him ONE more time. I didn't even get to say good-bye!!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OiVjaOQ23xQ
Yet, even with this knowledge and SO desperately seeking after God to FILL that need in my life, I DO still miss the tangible love of having Rich in my life. As I attended a wedding today of my friend Sarah, I could see so much of me in her and so much of Rich in her NOW husband, Erik. As they said their vows, a bit of me found myself getting a bit choked up and thinking, "Don't let a tear fall because you know it won't be just one!" As they committed to love each other until "death do us part", I just breathed in deeply and said a quick prayer for them that they would only experience that at an old age or that Christ would return so they would never experience it at all. I remember saying those words and thinking how sweet it would be to grow old with dear Rich and to watch our children grow up and to even enjoy grandchildren together. Honestly, it never really crossed my mind that life would turn out this way.
God is CONTINUING to teach me to trust Him through it all and most days I feel very confident in His plan for my life and even excited about what is to come!! But, if I am completely honest, there ARE still days that I have to fight off the lies of my future being pretty bleak and lonely and hopeless. I STILL miss him after almost two years...TWO years it will be this summer since I lost him. Honestly, I think there will always be a part of me that misses him. As I heard this song tonight I was blown away by how it just brought me to tears...thinking, "If only I could just talk to him ONE more time. I didn't even get to say good-bye!!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OiVjaOQ23xQ
Friday, May 15, 2009
May, Motherhood, and Memories
Wow...May is just a busy month, period! It is also full of times that are flooded with memories. From May 1st (May Day) to the end of the month (Memorial Day weekend) it is packed full of traditions and family time for me.
Beginning with May Day, Rich always brought home a bouquet of beautiful flowers for me telling me he was celebrating our last month of school before our summer together would begin. Even though he always worked throughout the summers, it was a time of a lot of fun together. As we move further into the month, there is Mother's Day. This is a holiday I was only able to celebrate twice with Rich...but how LOVED he made me feel. He always made me feel like being a mother was the hardest and most admired job. Then there was the precious day that our miracle son was born...May 19th. Although the doctors had finally said, "It is time to look into adoption" God miraculously made it happen!! I have never seen a prouder father as he held Ethan for the first time and every time after! Following his birthday, we always would take a family trip to Texas with the Heyroths for Memorial Day weekend. In between all of that there was also the busyness of wrapping up the school year, my mom's birthday, our own Mothers to celebrate, high school graduation and parties, soccer season ending hopefully by going to state, and almost always at least one wedding to top it all off. May was a month full of celebration and craziness! It continues to be both, but along with the fun times, my mind is flooded with all of the memories.
This has been a bit of an emotional month for me dealing with so much. One of the hardest things was going back up to Shawnee Heights to present three memorial scholarships in honor of Rich. Walking into the building and facing the staff, the parents, and students almost felt surreal. As I walked onto stage and presented those scholarships, I had a smile on my face, but my heart was aching inside. I could feel myself entering into the emotional detachment phase because I knew if I really allowed myself to feel, the tears may begin to fall. This is never good for me because it is often like a dam being released and they just keep coming and I knew I didn't have any kleenex and was not even waterproof mascara that night! :-) Yet, after I presented them, there was a huge relief that I felt, even a moment of just feeling proud of who he was and that I was able to called his wife...what an honor, even if for just a short time. I actually enjoyed greeting the students after it was done. (Though earlier, I had considered darting out of there after I presented so I didn't have to talk to anyone!) I was able to reconnect with a few and was SO thankful that I did. I think they needed it even more than I did. I'm hoping it is a testimony to others that I can carry on (not with perfection) but with hope because of HIM!! I often get a chance to share how I am doing and I can only honestly tell people I am doing okay because of God!
As I prepare to celebrate my baby's THIRD birthday tomorrow, I can't help but ache a little still that his father can not be with us. Some of the last pictures I have of them together are at his FIRST birthday party. It is unbelievable to me how much he has changed and, even without his daddy here, has miraculously taken on so many of his character traits and definitely his looks. I keep thinking I am over the emotional toll of it all, and yet as I sit here and type the tears are beginning to pour down my cheeks. My Lord has been SO faithful, SO loving, and taken SUCH good care of us...yet, that doesn't really make the pain disappear. It still exists and it still hurts. Thankfully, it is not an everyday experience anymore and I can see SO much healing in my life. Yet, I am beginning to think (and accept) that in THIS life on THIS earth, it will always exist a bit for me and there will always be some tears from time to time. I am so blessed to have a God that loves me enough to see me through these times and to continue to give me hope for what is to come!!
God continues to bless me and give me the strength to carry forward. He has given me such an amazing season of my life...the ability to stay home with my son and work odd jobs here and there to pay the bills. I am probably one of millions of single moms that ever have the privilege to do this. Because of this, I feel like I have been given more of a chance to deal with my grief in a healthy way and through a process without being rushed or pushing it aside as if it never happened. I have also had the chance to invest deeply in my son's life and to not take one day for granted with him. I love it!! I'm even pursuing a missions trip to Central Asia in the fall because I have the freedom to do something like that, and so I want so badly to give of my life and to share with others that there IS hope even after great loss. I'm not sure what my future holds, but I am beginning to make some "plans" but holding those loosely in the palm of my hand as I trust God with each step of the way. I will never again make a PLAN for my life and not be praying over it or think of it as my right or a guarantee. I am planning to go back to school and complete my RN. I'm so looking forward to pursuing this dream and can see SO many ways that I can use it in my future...not only to support myself and my son, but also to serve others and possibly even use overseas in missions someday.
So, even though there are still some hard and even tearful times in my life, I am confident that God will use even those to draw me closer to Him. I want to "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say, Rejoice!" because I know that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" (Phil. 4:4 & 13)
**Thank you for anyone who reads this that continues to pray for us. Your prayers are SO appreciated and although I am sure some have almost forgotten this has even taken place in my life, it is still so very real every day for me.
Lyrics sent to me just tonight as I was typing this new blog entry (Thanks, Dad!)
When Life Gets Broken
Hands reaching out
No one to hold
You've been abandoned
With no place to go
Wounded and wanting
Such desperate times
Cold bitter tears are filling your eyes
(Pre-Chorus)
Get a glimpse of Jesus
For He is right there with you
He knows just what you need
Chorus
When life gets broken
And you're in despair
He'll carry your burden
When it's too much to bear
It's down in the valley
Where He'll give you strength
And there is nothing you have lost
That He can't replace
He'll help you start all over again
When life gets broken
Beginning with May Day, Rich always brought home a bouquet of beautiful flowers for me telling me he was celebrating our last month of school before our summer together would begin. Even though he always worked throughout the summers, it was a time of a lot of fun together. As we move further into the month, there is Mother's Day. This is a holiday I was only able to celebrate twice with Rich...but how LOVED he made me feel. He always made me feel like being a mother was the hardest and most admired job. Then there was the precious day that our miracle son was born...May 19th. Although the doctors had finally said, "It is time to look into adoption" God miraculously made it happen!! I have never seen a prouder father as he held Ethan for the first time and every time after! Following his birthday, we always would take a family trip to Texas with the Heyroths for Memorial Day weekend. In between all of that there was also the busyness of wrapping up the school year, my mom's birthday, our own Mothers to celebrate, high school graduation and parties, soccer season ending hopefully by going to state, and almost always at least one wedding to top it all off. May was a month full of celebration and craziness! It continues to be both, but along with the fun times, my mind is flooded with all of the memories.
This has been a bit of an emotional month for me dealing with so much. One of the hardest things was going back up to Shawnee Heights to present three memorial scholarships in honor of Rich. Walking into the building and facing the staff, the parents, and students almost felt surreal. As I walked onto stage and presented those scholarships, I had a smile on my face, but my heart was aching inside. I could feel myself entering into the emotional detachment phase because I knew if I really allowed myself to feel, the tears may begin to fall. This is never good for me because it is often like a dam being released and they just keep coming and I knew I didn't have any kleenex and was not even waterproof mascara that night! :-) Yet, after I presented them, there was a huge relief that I felt, even a moment of just feeling proud of who he was and that I was able to called his wife...what an honor, even if for just a short time. I actually enjoyed greeting the students after it was done. (Though earlier, I had considered darting out of there after I presented so I didn't have to talk to anyone!) I was able to reconnect with a few and was SO thankful that I did. I think they needed it even more than I did. I'm hoping it is a testimony to others that I can carry on (not with perfection) but with hope because of HIM!! I often get a chance to share how I am doing and I can only honestly tell people I am doing okay because of God!
As I prepare to celebrate my baby's THIRD birthday tomorrow, I can't help but ache a little still that his father can not be with us. Some of the last pictures I have of them together are at his FIRST birthday party. It is unbelievable to me how much he has changed and, even without his daddy here, has miraculously taken on so many of his character traits and definitely his looks. I keep thinking I am over the emotional toll of it all, and yet as I sit here and type the tears are beginning to pour down my cheeks. My Lord has been SO faithful, SO loving, and taken SUCH good care of us...yet, that doesn't really make the pain disappear. It still exists and it still hurts. Thankfully, it is not an everyday experience anymore and I can see SO much healing in my life. Yet, I am beginning to think (and accept) that in THIS life on THIS earth, it will always exist a bit for me and there will always be some tears from time to time. I am so blessed to have a God that loves me enough to see me through these times and to continue to give me hope for what is to come!!
God continues to bless me and give me the strength to carry forward. He has given me such an amazing season of my life...the ability to stay home with my son and work odd jobs here and there to pay the bills. I am probably one of millions of single moms that ever have the privilege to do this. Because of this, I feel like I have been given more of a chance to deal with my grief in a healthy way and through a process without being rushed or pushing it aside as if it never happened. I have also had the chance to invest deeply in my son's life and to not take one day for granted with him. I love it!! I'm even pursuing a missions trip to Central Asia in the fall because I have the freedom to do something like that, and so I want so badly to give of my life and to share with others that there IS hope even after great loss. I'm not sure what my future holds, but I am beginning to make some "plans" but holding those loosely in the palm of my hand as I trust God with each step of the way. I will never again make a PLAN for my life and not be praying over it or think of it as my right or a guarantee. I am planning to go back to school and complete my RN. I'm so looking forward to pursuing this dream and can see SO many ways that I can use it in my future...not only to support myself and my son, but also to serve others and possibly even use overseas in missions someday.
So, even though there are still some hard and even tearful times in my life, I am confident that God will use even those to draw me closer to Him. I want to "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say, Rejoice!" because I know that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" (Phil. 4:4 & 13)
**Thank you for anyone who reads this that continues to pray for us. Your prayers are SO appreciated and although I am sure some have almost forgotten this has even taken place in my life, it is still so very real every day for me.
Lyrics sent to me just tonight as I was typing this new blog entry (Thanks, Dad!)
When Life Gets Broken
Hands reaching out
No one to hold
You've been abandoned
With no place to go
Wounded and wanting
Such desperate times
Cold bitter tears are filling your eyes
(Pre-Chorus)
Get a glimpse of Jesus
For He is right there with you
He knows just what you need
Chorus
When life gets broken
And you're in despair
He'll carry your burden
When it's too much to bear
It's down in the valley
Where He'll give you strength
And there is nothing you have lost
That He can't replace
He'll help you start all over again
When life gets broken
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