Bittersweet...

Today I was able to welcome a new family member into the world...Cassidy Annalise Kearn. She is beautiful with a head full of dark curly hair. As I drove up to the hospital to hold her, I thought how nice it will be to have a birthday to celebrate every Aug. 6th. There will still be a constant reminder in the back of my head about other events that took place this day, but how wonderful that God blessed our family with NEW life and something so sweet to celebrate.

Aug. 6th was probably the hardest day of all! This was the day of waiting. My stomach aches just thinking about it. I remember being sent home about 4:30 am to try and get some sleep. A few family members came with me and they all crashed on the floor and in beds around my house. I just sat on the couch and thought, "How can you all sleep?!!" I know everyone was exhausted and I wasn't really angry at them for sleeping, but my mind was not going to shut off enough for me to do the same. I remember pulling out the video camera and watching every moment of it I could where Rich was taped so that I could hear his voice, hear his laughter, and see his face. I knew...deep down, I think God had already given me a peace that He was gone and in His presence. But, of course, I was NOT going to accept this until I got the phone call saying they had found his body. I kept thinking, "He is SO strong!" Maybe he pulled through it and is just on a bank somewhere exhausted and waiting for help. Maybe he is wandering around looking for help. But, this was not the case. It was the next day that he was found by construction workers as they worked on the Topeka Blvd. bridge. How ironic that they finished this bridge exactly one year later and had it flashed all over the news.

I welcome Cassidy (meaning curly haired clever girl) into this family with a smile and such joy. Yet, honestly, there is a small part of me that is sad as I hold her...wishing I had a baby girl of my own. Also, wishing I had Rich here to share a family with me- together. I always dreamed of having a family with several children. I absolutely LOVE kids. My ambition in life, though small in the world's standards, was to be a "Mommy." Yes, I had my moments of wanting to be a vet or a doctor, but mostly, I just wanted to be a mom! I decided to be a teacher because I thought this would be good training for being a mom. Honestly, it was excellent! It taught me a lot about myself and children. I LOVED the classes in college on child development. It fascinated me to learn about their mental, physical, and emotional development. As I watch my two year old grow, I have to be a little careful to not put him in a box as I see him go through the different stages. There is nothing more exciting to me than watching the world through the eyes of a child! Their curiosity is amazing as they explore the world around them looking at every detail of God's creation. I could spend hours with Ethan just teaching him and learning from him about God by playing in the backyard!! I love it!

As I think about my future, I feel at peace about God's plan for my life. He created me with the desire to love children. Maybe this is for another purpose than to fill my own home with them. He HAS blessed me with one and for that I am so very thankful!! Having a child keeps me grounded and also prevents me from being too self-absorbed!! Whenever I want to feel sorry for myself, God quickly distracts me with someone smaller having a greater, or at least a more urgent need. Also, there is not much I can think of that is more humbling than being a mother. You can do everything right and your child will STILL throw a complete fit at the grocery store or throw up all over you at the most inconvenient times! :-) (Yes, this HAS happened to me!)

So, even though holding Cassidy made me a bit sad, I mostly felt like I could rejoice in God's perfect plan. He KNEW the day we would all enter and leave this world the moment He breathed life into us! He does NOT make mistakes and I am going to continue to hold my life and my son's life in the palm of His hand. I learned this past year that the words, "Fear Not" appear in the Bible 365 times. I don't think that is a coincidence! I need to fear not every day of the year! Job and Paul seemed to have a way of delighting in God's unpredictability. I want to find that kind of maturity in my walk with Him daily!! As I looked back in my journal this past year, I was encouraged by a quote a wrote down during a Grief Share session..."Live in the exclamation point of what we know about God and not in the question mark of what we don't understand." To live this way, I must continue to strive to know more and more about God, so that I can truly live in the exclamation point of who He is!!