Long Days, Short years!

I often heard this saying before I had a child and could only imagine what it really meant. Now, I think I get it! It has been a VERY long week, but so covered in prayer. I am STILL surrounded by such faithful friends who have not forgotten me and continue to be there for me. I just hope I can be half as good of friend to them. I feel like this last year, I have just taken so much and not given back much at all. The year went by SO quickly, but each day felt incredibly long. Some were longer and harder than others, but every morning God granted me the mercy and strength to carry on and continue in this journey of life on the earth He created.

Ethan was very sick this week. I kind of think it was just the enemy trying to get me down. It started with a simple case of pink eye and then developed into a stomach virus and extremely high fevers, esp. peaking at night. It was almost 105 degrees one night and the nurse on the other end of the phone said, "If it doesn't go down in the next hour you need to get him to the ER to avoid brain damage." NOT exactly the words a mother wants to hear when she is trying to stay calm. Amazingly, even though I was functioning on such little sleep, God provided the comfort I needed. I was really at peace about the whole thing and only a little freaked out the next day when it was all better. He provided a phone call in the middle of the night (Thanks, Joy!) to just have someone to talk while waiting for the nurse to call back. It is nights like those that I miss Rich even more. I was trying to figure out how I would even drive my sick little guy to the ER because I wasn't about to put him in the backseat in a carseat away from me when he was shaking and breathing so hard. I guess there is always an ambulance, but I just wasn't really even thinking clearly enough to think to call for that! Anyway, kids ARE resilient and for that I am very thankful! He is on the mend with just a low-grade temp and a nasty cold now. I am continually amazed how they seem to bounce back from events like that.

Other than Ethan being sick, it has been a good week! I was once again SO encouraged by the emails, phone calls, cards, and AMAZING prayer warriors that committed to pray for Ethan and me AND for the rest of my family. With the start of school, there are many memories that are flooding back. For the most part, they are once again, little traditions we had. Being a teacher myself, I remember how stressful this time of year was as I was trying to prepare my classroom, go to long in-service meetings, and say good-bye to my summer. When I began staying home with Ethan, I tried so hard to make going back to school a fun thing for Rich. It was actually ME that encouraged him to go on one last "fun trip" last year before the start of school. It is tempting to let myself fall into the "guilt trap" of it all. I remember Rich even saying the morning of, that he just wanted to spend his last couple of days with us and maybe he shouldn't go. As I think back, it is pretty amazing how God just allowed us to have certain time and discussions together. I had somehow talked Rich into watching "The Notebook" the night before. He wasn't much of one for the "romantic movies" and yet I convinced him he would like it because it had James Gardner in it. :-) He actually did think it was sweet and even said at the end that he would stay with me, at my side, just as he did in the movie, even through her alzheimer's disease. I know he would of too. It is hard to think that you commit and marry someone until "death do us part" thinking that death will be at an old age. I am having a bit of a hard time rewiring my thinking realizing that death has parted us. Yet, I will always love him and I haven't quite come to terms with the fact that I am NOT really married anymore. I really hate the word "widow", but I also can't legally claim that I am married. THEN, there is the whole idea of remarriage...I have already had so many people talk to me about this, but I just can't see how one is supposed to love two men. Hmmm...this could get way too theological and maybe a bit too much to think about at 11:50 at night. Anyway, we DID have some precious time together even discussing death the night before it all happened. AND, on the way to drop him off, for some reason, I took the completely wrong way and took an extra long time getting there. I remember him asking why I turned at the lake and I told him I just wanted to soak up some extra moments with him before he left. I AM thankful that I got to say, "good-bye" and tell him I love him. Some people are never given that opportunity when an accident and sudden death occur. I am SO very thankful God knew what I needed.

Speaking of long days, short years, I am shocked that a year has gone by and I still have one major task to accomplish that I dread. Somehow, I never manged to get up to the school to clean out Rich's office. He was fortunate enough to have an office off of his classroom where he was able to store a lot of "extras" and make his classroom a bit more of a home away from home. Since he spent so much time up there with teaching and coaching, this was really nice for him. I planned many times to go up there to take care of this, but something would always prevent it from happening. So, tomorrow (the day before school starts) I plan to spend my day up there packing up and bringing home another piece of Rich's life. Everytime I feel like I have made it over a huge hurdle, there just seems to be another one right ahead of me. Thankfully, God has proven to be faithful before, and so I trust Him to be faithful to give me the strength once again. Each time I think, "I just can't do that", He proves that HE CAN!! So, even though tomorrow may be a LONG day, I pray that in some miraculous way, I can maybe not just get through it, but even find some joy in the process.

"The Biblical View is that waiting is not so much about when I will get what I'm waiting for, but what I will become as I wait" -Dr. Paul David Tripp