Reminiscing....

Tonight we had a dinner/reunion with the Topeka group that went to Turkey with Rich last June. This trip was purposely planned in June so that teachers and college-aged students would be available to go for 15 days. I had gone on a very similar trip two years before, but it had taken place in the fall and so Rich was unable to go with me due to school. We were both so excited for this opportunity for him. Though he had traveled out of the States before, this was his first "intentional" trip to go and share the Good News with others. When he came back, he immediately said that it was "life-changing". He was not sure if we would ever move long-term, but he had a new passion to encourage others (esp. college students) to GO and experience missions first-hand so that their perspective on life and the world would become God-centered. He was pumped up about sharing with others right where God had us now too. He became passionate about talking to others (even complete strangers) about his faith. And even though he had already tried to build "intentional" friendships with others, he was now even more straight-forward about sharing his heart with them. In fact, it was because of this that he decided to go canoeing with his friends from Timberline one year ago.

On Rich's trip to Turkey, he made some great friends! When he got back, he told me he now understood how I had become so close to the people in my group in such a short time. There is something really powerful about going out with others on the streets of a country that you are unfamiliar with and opening up your life before them. It can be scary at times not knowing how they will react, partly because of cultural differences and also because of religious differences. You may be matched up with a partner that you know very little about except that you both share a love for Jesus Christ and that you want others to know Him too.

Rich had the privilege of going with an awesome group of college-aged students as well as the "older" bunch including my parents. He was kind of stuck right in the middle. He was a bit nervous going in wondering where he would fit in. When he came home, he said it was great and that he got to experience the best of both worlds. He LOVED his roommate, Charlie, and had awesome things to say about him. He respected all of them and had some crazy and fun times together as well. In fact, they were sharing about a banana war tonight as they were reminiscing. I guess one night, they were launching bananas back and forth from their hotel balconies at each other.

These same students (plus some more) are now going to another country to distribute Bibles and share their faith. I am SO excited for them and pray God will protect them and use them effectively. As I listened to them share, it was kind of hard for me to think about my own somewhat dull life. My college days were filled with so much adventure, spontaneity, and fun! I did crazy things like squirrel pranking (don't ask), late night road trips to nowhere, and Jock Jams kitchen dancing with my roomies. There were so many unanswered questions with my future, but I was content in the moment. I had SO much time (even though I thought I was so busy with classes). I was involved in an amazing ministry group on campus at the BEST school in Kansas (Go K-State!!) :-) I was able to soak up scripture through Bible studies, personal study, and mentors. I had summers that were full of adventure and new challenges- Camp counselor at Kanakuk, M trip to China, and planning for a wedding! In some ways, I felt like this was the launch pad for the "rest of my life". I grew a ton spiritually in college and it prepared me in so many ways for life in the "real world".

I guess I am just kind of feeling a bit stuck now, like I need another launch pad. I feel like my life took off, and though there were bends and turns, it was going pretty well. I feel like it was following the "natural" progression of life. I am trying really hard to not think about it, but I AM starting to wonder if I will be continuing on this journey through life on my own for possibly the next 50 years.

My parents celebrated their 36th anniversary today. What a gift it must be to share that many years with someone you love so dearly. I happened to be at their house when my dad came home with a bouquet of flowers for my mom. I wondered, is THAT part of my life over now forever? Is it going to be possible for someone to love and take on my broken heart and my precious son some day as their own? Am I ever going to again be able to give someone the kind of love they deserve without reservations? This is a WHOLE new area of Perfect Trust. I know it is probably too soon to even be thinking about it and some of you who are reading this may be freaking out that I have even thought about the idea of remarriage. But, if I am going to be perfectly honest, I have to say that it HAS crossed my mind. I don't know how, when, or if it will ever happen. Some days I feel completely content being single and can picture myself going through all of life here on earth on my own. Other days, I miss the companionship SO badly and think surely God has someone in mind for me and someone to complete our broken family. No one will ever take Rich's place, but it sure would be nice for Ethan to grow up with a daddy. Yet, it is so complicated thinking someone has to love me AND my son as his own. Rich and I actually talked about this scenerio happening in our lives. We both agreed that we would want the other to remarry and not feel guilty about it, but to embrace it. At the time, it sounded so logical. Now, it sounds and feels SO complicated.

I'll probably regret this blog entry in the morning. Sigh!! Oh well. It is where I am at in this journey and if I bottle it all up inside, it is just going to drive me crazy. I still miss Rich like crazy. Part of me feels so incredibly guilty for even thinking about the thought of "moving on". Yet, part of me knows it is what he would want for me. I think for now, I just need to continue giving it up to God and trusting Him with my future and His perfect plan for my life. I know He can satisfy ALL of my needs and will bear my burdens!

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who DAILY bears our burdens." Psalm 68:19