Making progress...

This week I can actually look back and see moments where I am physically and emotionally making progress. I became aware of this during my mowing experience. I know that mowing the yard may not seem like a big deal to most people, but for me, it has been a challenge! I was completely blessed to have Greg Steinlage step up and volunteer to mow my yard last year until the first freeze. This helped me SO much because I had so many things on my plate and was, honestly, so overwhelmed with everything that I was in survival mode and mowing the lawn was the LAST thing on my mind. This spring when the grass started to grow, I realized I was going to have to get the mower out and add another thing to my growing to-do list of weekly responsibilities. I didn't mind the idea of mowing, but it was just another reminder of one of those things that Rich took care of for me.

Even though I can be strongly independent, I have to admit that I HUGELY miss being taken care of on a daily basis. There is just a part of me, that if I am completely honest, longs to have someone there by my side helping me make decisions and looking out for me in a tender and protective way. I miss the companionship of marriage, knowing there is someone else in this world that just completely "gets you" and loves you in spite of your inadequacies. There is something so fun about having that person with whom you can share all kinds of silly experiences with and have inside jokes that still make me laugh even when he is not around to share them. I miss the conversations and even the arguments that would maybe not be fun in the process, but somehow always drew us closer to each other. And though I can't believe I am sharing this, I miss being told I am beautiful even when I feel like I look my worst. I can not even write this now without tears spilling over in my eyes as I think about how much my sweet Rich made me smile and feel SO loved. When I started writing this, I was not thinking this was the direction it was going to go. My whole idea of making progress is feeling a little lost right now as I type. Yet, this is somewhat typical. I often feel as if I am taking two steps forward and then one, two, or on really bad days, three steps back.

Honestly, I am lonely. How can I be lonely when I am surrouded by so many friends and people I love? How is it possible to walk into a church full of people who have shown me more love and prayers than I could ever deserve and yet feel so lost and left out? I honestly feel like there is a part of me that has been cut off and I don't know how to cope with being just me. I worked SO hard on my relationship with Rich on my identity being wrapped up in who I am in Christ. Most days, I still feel like this is true and that I am complete with Christ, but then there are nights like this... I don't think one can enter into a marriage and be wholly committed to someone else for over 7 years and not feel a bit lost without them by your side. Some days I feel like I am just fine and that with Christ I can do anything (this is truth!). Other days, I think about how the rest of the world seems to be moving ahead with their lives and I am going to be stuck like this forever just surviving and trying to shelter Ethan from the pain of it all knowing he is going to have to face this himself some day and just praying I will be ready with the right words to say.

It was just this week that Ethan finally realized that our cat was NOT coming home. I didn't really mention it to him thinking maybe he would just not notice. Well, he noticed and he asked about Mocha and I told him he was not coming home and that was all I said. He looked at me and his eyes filled with tears and he sobbed and then said, "Nemo's dad die." We watched the movie once and even though it was Nemo's mom that died, he is beginning to often refer to this and cry. I don't even know if it has anything to do with his own dad, but I have a feeling it does. All I wanted to do was cry, but I just held him and said that it was okay and we can get another cat someday. I wish it was that easy when it comes to talking about his dad.

Anyway, I really began writing this thinking it would be a positive post. I wanted to share about my mowing experience. The first time I got the mower out, I was determined that this was not going to be a big deal and I could handle it with ease. Well, after a half hour of trying to get the mower to start, I finally broke down in tears. I was just SO frustrated that I couldn't even do a simple task like start the mower and I was determined to NOT ask for help. Well, I ended up asking the neighbor for help, and was able to get the mower started. I successfully mowed the front yard and then ran out of gas. So, after going to the gas station to fill up a tank and coming back, I was relieved to get it started again without too much work. The back yard was a lot more challenging due to it being SO steep. Yet, overall, I was proud of my accomplishment and kind of excited about the idea of mowing regularly and even feeling like I could get a bit of a workout in the process! Overall, except on the really hot days, the actual mowing has not been that bad. The challenge that comes into play is figuring out what to do with Ethan. He, of course, wants to be involved and be close to me while I am mowing. This is, obviously, not safe and so I find myself often shoowing him away and then we usually face the melt down in tears. The mowing process is not exactly easy, but while I was doing it this week, I was just reminded about how far we have come. Ethan now knows this is his time to play on the driveway only (while I am in the front) and in the play area only (while I am in the back). Also, the mowing itself is becoming a lot easier and even something I somewhat enjoy. Now I just need a 101 lesson on using the weed eater!! I was pretty tired this week from trying to pull all of the weeds along the fence and around the flower garden and my edging job looks FAR from professional. :-) It may sound like a little thing--the mowing--but it showed me that tasks that used to be so tough and even overwhelming are becoming a little more natural and part of our routine. There are still weeks that I feel a little stretched in all directions trying to be a good mom, friend, daughter, sister, aunt, nurse, teacher, mechanic, house cleaner, and fill other various jobs. But, all people (esp. moms) feel this way at times.

Overall, even though I know this post started out with tears and probably a bit of whining, I AM seeing progress in my life and for that I am so thankful! I think balance is key. I have to be careful to not shut myself away from the rest of the world when I am trying so hard to keep everything in order here at home with the day-to-day tasks. But, I also can't get too wrapped up filling ALL of my evenings and days with other activities outside of the home, because when I come home it is really just up to ME to get it all done. There are SO many single-moms in this world. I can only begin to imagine what it must be like to face the world with several kids, a full-time job and not have Christ in your life. I have found myself being a bit envious at times of my two neighbors (both single moms). I see their ex-husbands picking up their kids and them enjoying a weekend to themselves or going out with their friends. Yet, honestly, would I really rather have that life...with my kid being shuffled back and forth and feeling hurt or betrayed by this man that is no longer my spouse that at one time committed to be with me through better or worse? I may not have the dad to take Ethan from me from time to time, but I also don't have the ongoing hurt involved in those situations. I am so thankful that my loss was ultimately God's decision and not one of our own.

I want to end my post today on a letter I found today that I cried over during Ethan's naptime. This was a letter that I had started writing and was planning to give to Rich before he left for Turkey on his missions trip in June. As I read it, I cried because I was full of regret for never getting the chance to give it to him, but I also cried because in some ways, it is a letter that shows God preparing me for Rich to leave us. His trip to Turkey prepared us both in so many ways we had not expected. We had a lot of good conversations about death and eternal things because of that trip. Thank you, Lord!

Dearest Rich,

I just have a few minutes while I'm sitting here at the church waiting on you and Ethan to pick me up. I am flooded with emotions about you leaving for Turkey. I am sooo excited for the experience you are about to have. I know it will be life changing! I'm praying for you to truly experience God at a deeper level and to be amazed at the ways He works through you. You are an amazing man who inspires me daily w/ your knowledge and your desire to always learn more. My heart explodes with joy when I see the way you love and interact with your son. You are an amazing daddy and also the most caring husband I have ever heard of. I cannot thank you enough for how attentive you are to me and how you are always looking out for me and giving me restful moments and spoiling me with special treats. :-) You will be greatly missed by both Ethan and me. But, I cannot tell you enough how proud of you I am for putting Christ first in your life and going to Turkey to share about the most important part of your life. You will be richly rewarded for this!
I will be praying for you daily! Please do not worry about Ethan and me. We are going to be super busy seeing family and friends we love. Though nothing can fill your place, we will be well looked after. It will be a good time for me to rely more on Christ for my stronghold. Sometimes I get lazy when you are here to lean on. Though I do really love cuddling with you at night! :-) Just trust we will be okay!...


I was unable to finish the letter because he arrived sooner than I had expected. I tucked in away to finish and give him at the airport and forgot about it until now. I just think it is amazing how it is almost the same time of letter I would write him in heaven now. God knew that I would be left to depend on Him, but that He would be enough and that we WOULD be "well looked after".

Thanks, Lord, that even through the pain, you DO still care and know my deepest needs and desires. I pray my life will continue to bring you glory and that I can lean on you fully to be my stronghold!