Surreal....

Surreal: According to Wikipedia means "bizarre or dreamlike"

I don't feel like I should still be in this state of mind, but I so often find myself feeling this way. So many things have happened in the past week that just bring me back to thinking, "Is this really REAL?" I found myself going through a bit of what I call my "bi-polar" moments over the weekend. I feel really happy and excited one moment and then find myself with eyes full of tears and so sad the next. Yet, somehow, even with the ups and downs, it was a good weekend, overall.

As I flipped the calendar today and looked over my month of events filling the calendar, my heart just dropped. Here I am entering another season, a new fall, without my love by my side. They say the first year is the hardest. I can see how that is true in some ways. I think the "firsts" are rather heart wrenching and even devastating at moments. Yet, now that I have gotten through my "firsts", I feel like the second year is almost harder. The emotions are not as intense (which is a relief), but there is this DEEP onset of lonliness setting in and as I hit each of those "special" days once again, it just is almost unbearable. I think it is because I am thinking, "Do I REALLY have to go through this again? I made it through the first year and now I just want it to all go away." After I flipped the calendar over, I sat down with Ethan to eat our breakfast together and my eyes just filled with tears. I had our morning music playing and he was just singing along (usually a phrase behind). I tried so hard to be happy, but as I looked at him I just started crying even harder. All I could think about was the fact that THIS month marked the month that Ethan was officially twice as old as when he was when Rich died. He was 14 months old then and was going to be 28 months. That means that Rich had missed out on HALF of his life and that Ethan had missed out on having his daddy be a part of those months and SO many more to come. As I watched him sing, he was trying to make me smile. He started making goofy faces and giggling and all I could do was smile. He is so much like his daddy. He stopped for a moment and said, "Mommy cry?" I immediately wiped away the tears and tried to look happy. I WAS happy that he was in my life, but the thoughts that filled my head were making me so unhappy. I quickly went to cut up some more banana so I could hide my tears and the sobbing that threatened to break out at any moment. I went back to the calendar and looked over the month again trying to be more positive this time...
Sept- 3 (Rich's dad's birthday) - Sigh
Sept- 4 (1st MOPS mtg)- That will be fun
Sept 5- Wedding rehearsal (Ethan will be a ring bearer for the 1st time)- mixed emotions
Sept 6- Wedding mtg w/ couple, set up for reception, wedding that evening - The last couple of weddings were SO hard...I hope Ethan being a ring bearer will be a good distraction!
Sept 7- Ethan graduates out of nursery to 2 yr. old S.S. class! Evening- Work

The rest of the month goes on very similar to the above except that there are 3 more Heyroth birthdays! September has always been a busy month with the start of football season, school really getting into full swing, birthdays, etc. I am thankful that I won't be having much time to sit around and feel sorry for myself! :-)

"FAITH enables us to withstand what we can't understand" Another of my many quotes and verses collecting on my bathroom mirror. This is SO true. I have to be careful to not let my feelings overtake my head. It is a struggle sometimes for my head knowledge and my heart knowledge to connect in a healthy way. If I try too hard to just concentrate on facts, I find myself stuffing away all of the feelings. Yet, when I start talking about how I really feel, it is hard to not let my emotions get the best of me. I feel like others are probably SO ready for me to just get over it. In fact, I had someone at church ask me how I was doing and when I started to be honest about my feelings, they cut me off and said, "Oh, just don't think about it." It is so hard to know HOW to respond to others when they ask how I am doing. I know some people really care and want me to share my heart. Yet, others are just asking because they don't really know what else to say or are just making conversation. It kind of goes along with the whole stage of life after you first get married and everyone asks you, "How's married life?" Most people don't really expect much of a reply and they especially don't want to know if you are really struggling. It has been a good reminder to me that I need to be sure to be ready to listen for a reply if I ask how someone is doing. It IS so easy to pass someone quickly and say, "How are you doing?" as really more of a greeting than an actual question. Am I really ready to hear it if they are NOT doing so well? Overall, I have had the most positive encounters with others and have been overwhelmed by the caring attitudes of those around me. I have even had people tell me that they are praying for me whenever they cross the bridge over the Kansas River as a reminder. I think God is using this loss in my life to bring so many others closer to Him. It encourages me to think that not only are others praying for Ethan and me, but that others are growing in their relationship with God as well through their prayer lives.

As I return to the idea of things being surreal, I am faced with the difficulty of pictures. I LOVE pictures. I love to look at them. I love to frame them. I enjoy scrapbooking them. I just love capturing "moments". Yet, since the loss of Rich, I have had a hard time enjoying pictures with him in them. They seem so surreal. Every time I look at them, I think that he must still be here. Yet, as time passes and there are NO more pictures of Rich with Ethan or me, I realize that our lives are moving on and he is not included in these changes. Before, pictures used to bring me comfort and I surrounded myself with them, esp. hanging in our bedroom. Now, I feel as if I am starting to feel like I know this person less and less and that he isn't here to understand me either. Yet, I also cling to every picture I can find almost as if I can hold on to one more piece of him. Every time someone sends me a new picture that they may have tucked away, it just makes me smile. One of these days, I hope to have the energy and the heart to scrapbook these pictures before my memories fade. I found myself almost getting mad at Ethan tonight as he broke a frame with a picture inside from our honeymoon. He was just being his curious self, and I was quick to remind myself that it is JUST a thing. Yet, as I looked at the picture, there behind it was a note from Rich he had written on our honeymoon. In it he mentioned (as I am beginning to see he often did) growing old together and how he was looking forward to "celebrating every day together and encouraging each other to grow closer to our Lord". Once again I thought, "How do I go on in life without this amazing man by my side?" I think about how I so much want to please my Lord and that as my heart is filled with longing for companionship. He will fill me with all I need.

I was just talking last night to a very dear life-long friend from college about my fears for my future. One fear I have to give up to God a lot is my sweet son, Ethan. I was telling her how I worry about him not having a healthy husband/wife relationship modeled for him. I was wondering how he was going to grow up understanding how to have this and what it means to truly love and respect a woman, without his daddy here to teach him. I think tonight, I was brought a little peace in knowing that at least I have some precious letters I can save for him to read some day. I know it is not the same, but you can see a lot of character in a person through their words. And then there is the lingering question of will I ever remarry? Oh, I hate to even put it in writing, but the thoughts are there. I know some think it is too soon to even be thinking about such things. Others have already tried to set me up on dates- Whoa! Not quite ready for that!! I think I would probably throw-up if I attempted that. :-) I so want to be filling my thoughts with the right things and not be too consumed with any one thought. It overwhelms me to even think how it can all work. The dating (don't want to do that again), having a child involved in the mix, the question of how do you even know when you are ready, and is there really someone out there that would be willing to take on me, my son, and the memory of my husband. It is not like I divorced the guy and don't want anything to do with him. I want my son to grow up with a knowledge of who is dad was and to know his family as well. Oh, the joys and misery of thinking too much! This is all wrapped up in the future worries that I have to once again lay at the feet of Jesus. For the most part, I am content in being single, and since I am still struggling with the idea of this being a bit surreal, I think this is probably the best place for me to be!
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:6-7)

There is probably a reason why these verses have been engraved in my memory for such a long time. I've always been a bit of a worrier. God often brings these verses to mind as I spend too much time reflecting on the past of contemplating the future. The past is done (can't be changed) and the future is in God's hands and, as I have learned, cannot often be controlled no matter how much we may try.

Dear Lord,
Once again, I am reminded of all that you have done for me in the past and how you have worked out the most impossible situations for good. I do not always understand how You work or why You allow things to happen. There are some days that I think it would have been much easier if I had just never met Rich. Yet, as I look back at the good and the bad, I can see how You have made me into the person I am today partly through my relationship with him. It was through our time together that I was refined. Marriage can bring out the good and the bad in a person. I also was able to see SO much of who you are and how YOU love me through the way that Rich loved me. His love was not perfect, but it was so good. Your love IS perfect and it is amazing. I still cannot even comprehend what your love looks like completely. I feel like I experienced even a bit more of what perfect love looks like when you blessed us with our son, Ethan. Thank you for the gift of his life. I pray that I can be an example to him of who you are and that he will grow up knowing what perfect love is through learning about you. Thank you for your Word that teaches me daily and always seems to be full of new lessons to learn. I cast all of my fears and anxieties to you. Thank you for giving me all I need when I need it and for teaching me that I am never without, when I have YOU!