God's protection...

Well, I think I hit rock bottom on the whole scale of being a good mom. I have been feeling pretty sick the last 48 hours. Usually, I just kick into stubborn mode and tell myself I am going to fight it continuing to not sleep and keeping up with all of the house work, meetings, mom duties, work, etc. I started this week with an hour-by-hour schedule with every morning, afternoon, and evening filled with everything from dentist appt to house cleaning jobs (outside of my own home), to meeting with stamping clients, etc. I began feeling pretty sick Wed. night with the whole body aching, headache, chills, etc. By Thursday morning I was just SICK!! I was SO tired even after going to bed by 9:30 the night before (which is COMPLETELY unheard of for the nightowl in me). I could hardly drag myself out of bed and, though it sounds little, had a REALLY bad sore throat and headache and fever. I went ahead with my mom duties, but began cancelling meetings for noon that day and even evening plans to meet with a friend who is getting married soon. I just knew that making it through the day was going to be a challenge in itself. I know I am sounding completely pathetic at this point and like I just can't handle being sick. But, honestly, I am not a wimp in this area. Unfortunately, I usually don't listen to my body and end up with bronchitis or even worse pnemonia (like last year). This time I decided I would tackle it head on with the drugs and rest my body. This is where the WORST MOM ever award comes into play...

I sat down on the couch Thursday morning with my hot tea and book in hand and told Ethan mommy was sick and that he needed to look at his own books for a while. He was Great! He got a pile of books and began looking through them. This was at about 9:00. Well, at about 10:30 I woke up! YES! I actually fell asleep for a whole hour and a half while I was supposed to be watching my 2 year old! For those of you that don't have kids, this may not sound like a big deal. But, if you have or have ever had a TWO year old (esp. a climber like mine) you would be freaking out! I woke up with a start and began to panic when I looked at the clock and realized I had not just drifted off for a minute or two. Surprisingly enough, my AMAZING sweet boy was still sitting on the living room floor. He had all of his blocks and block puzzle pieces arranged in what appeared to be a city. It was amazing. He had his cars at certain places and had built tunnels. I began looking around for the gallon of milk that may have been spilled out of the fridge or who knows what. I looked in the kitchen for all kinds of dangers that could be lurking. I asked him what he had been doing and he said, "books and blocks" "Look Mommy what I build!" "Mommy sick." "Mommy sleep." "Pretend sleep?" No, that was far from "pretend sleep"! I looked over and he had gone through most of the books in his basket and placed them back in a neat pile. I was shocked! God must have had an angel watching over my little guy. He is SO curious all of the time and with the help of a chair, can pretty much get into anything now. What an amazing God to step in for me to not only be a father to the fatherless, but also a mother! I was so thankful for my sweet boy who, when mommy needed it, was SO obedient and did not wander away or do anything unwise. Instead, he amazed me by showing me a new creative side of building that I didn't even know he could do! He explained every building to me and I just sat there in awe thanking God for taking care of Ethan for the last hour and a half!

To my surprise, I was STILL tired enough to nap again (this time during HIS nap time). AND, I even went to bed early again Thursday night. Thankfully, I am feeling better today with no fever and just what I would call a nasty chest cold. I am continuing to do my best to take care of myself. Rich was SO good to me in this area...almost demanding at times. But, he knew that stubborn me needed someone to tell me like it is. As I went to get a steamer tonight from the local Amoco I realized that I had not had a cappucino from there or a steamer since Rich has been gone. He used to frequently bring me a "treat" to give me the caffeine pick-me-up I needed or something to settle me down for the night like a steamer. He, of course, would get something too and we would sit and chat over our hot drinks. I can't believe it has been over a year since I have done this.

Last night was another night of vivid dreams. God, once again, protected me in another kind of way. These dreams were SO real to me. Throughout the WHOLE night I was dreaming of Rich and his involvement in our day-to-day lives. It felt so real, that even when I would wake up and realize it wasn't real, I wanted to go back to sleep just so I could FEEL like it was real for a moment. I remember at one point, it was a Saturday morning and Rich and Ethan were sitting out on the back deck eating cereal together. Rich had that sheepish grin on his face that he would often get when he knew he did something he shouldn't have, but also knew he could get away with it because it wasn't really THAT big of a deal. (Ethan has that SAME look often!) In my dream, he had gotten Ethan up early and out of bed just so he could have some extra time with him. In my dreams, he had been traveling a lot (with his job?) and so was only home for short times. We missed him so much and yet were SO happy when he would return. It was always an unspoken in our house that you never wake a sleeping baby (or kid). Yet, in the dream, I was so happy he was able to have all of the extra time with Ethan that he could have. In real life, I remember Rich wanting to go in and wake Ethan up (as an infant) even in the middle of the night just so he could have extra "moments" with him. As a mother, of course, I told him no and that Ethan needed his sleep (and so did I!) Oh, how I wish I had those moments back. I would have never cared about sleep deprivation if only I could have one more moment with HIM and he could have one more moment with his precious son. Thankfully, I was spared a night of tormenting tears. I woke up several times throughout the night and even had to think twice a time or two before I realized that Rich really was no longer with us and that he was not just away on travels. I was very sad, but also felt a great peace come over me (the Holy Spirit) telling me it was okay and that I was not alone.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build you up again." Jer. 31:3 Slowly, but surely, God IS building me up again. The tears still come, but not as often, and definitely not as violent. They are more tears mixed with sorrow and joy. I still have my moments where they hit me by surprise and I HATE feeling out of control, but God is showing me that my life is not mine to control. "Self-sufficiency is a terrible place to be. We need God." ~Dr. Joseph Stowell

So, once again, though it may be through a little thing as "sleeping on the job", God has shown His faithfulness to protect me and my son. Though sleeping with a toddler awake in the house is NOT something I recommend, it is nice to know that we both survived andthat one day I may even look back on this and laugh. Maybe...