Blah!

Well, if there is one way for Satan to really get a foothold in my life, he knows it is to make me sick. There is nothing that gets me more down in the dumps than feeling sick. I think part of it is just me feeling out of control. (There is that control issue again!) I hate feeling like I can't keep up with life and that it is just passing me by while I am doing my best just to keep the bare minimum running around my own house. Keeping up with a toddler and the day to day business of running a household, meeting deadlines, paying bills, going to work, etc. is hard enough when you are feeling great. Now that I am finally feeling BETTER and coming out of my fog of fever, chills, and head cold, I am overwhelmed with life. I feel like I have the everyday details to keep going with, but also the last four days of details that need catching up.

I am also reminded (when in my not so positive outlook state) that I have about a year of details that kind of got pushed aside. I can usually look at this past year of my life and think about all of the things that I DID accomplish and how it is really only through God's strength that I even functioned somewhat properly at all! Miraculously, my son seems to have also made it through the year and somehow even thrived at times as he has grown physically, emotionally, and mentally. Yet, even though I had the strength (only through God's own hand and the people surrounding me) to make it through the year, there are SO many details of things that got left undone. As I lay in bed feeling terrible these past few evenings, all of these things started coming to mind. The fact that I STILL have many tubs of things I need to go through, piles of papers that need to be filed, and an office full of Rich's things that I have left untouched. As I sit at the computer I am almost paralyzed by the thought of facing tomorrow. Yes, I am feeling better physically (Thank you, Lord) but because I was sick, I actually had time to stop and think. This is when I start to let my mind be filled with anxious thoughts about my past, my present, and my future. I MUST take every thought captive and give it up to God. Yet, realistically, how do I ever catch up?! Tomorrow, I will wake up and begin a new day filled with new things on the agenda and a non-stop toddler who will take up any "extra" moment that I may have to even think about getting caught up on the past year of my life.

As I look ahead at the fall, I can already see myself filling up every weekend and weekday with more activities and jobs. I have never been good at saying no, but I feel like I am falling back into a pattern of filling every moment and now I don't have my sweet husband at my side that is telling me to say, "No!" I want so badly to be able to do it all. Yet, where does my hope and significance come from? Well, I know where it SHOULD come from. I am finding myself falling into the performance trap once again. As I write this, my eyes are directed to my bookshelf and the book "Search for Significance" is tugging at my heart. I just stopped to grab it and it fell open to a page where I had underlined these words "When we base our security and value on how well we perform and how we want others to perceive us, failure poses a tremendous threat to us. " And as I quickly flip through I read, "Satan's lie: Self-Worth= Performance + Others' Opinions. ...God is the only One who loves and appreciates us unconditionally."

I want my biggest desire to be to love and honor my Lord with my life...that I would only seek His approval. You know what the funny part about it all is? I have the best friends and family in the world. I think that they are probably not disappointed in me or what I am or am unable to do, but it is ME that I am not able to please. I let my own expectations overwhelm me as I set goals for myself that are unattainable. I find myself disappointed in myself instead of seeking God for His approval.

I DO need to work on some of the "projects" from this past year. They are very overwhelming and I often find myself paralyzed by it all wondering where to even begin. When I finally have a moment to tackle a project, it is often later in the evening when Ethan is asleep. By then, my mind and body are often exhausted and it just seems like I am unable to think clearly enough to make good decisions. So, another night passes and they are left undone once again. This may sound morbid, but there are days when I kind of wish my house would burn down and I would have to start anew with nothing but my memories. I have moments where I would like to move to another part of the country where no one knew about this "part" of me. Yet, without the body of Christ that has surrounded me, I would have never survived. I don't want people to think I am ungrateful for the support they have given me. I guess I just with I was never in need of the support to begin with.

As I read back over this entry, I realize how down in the dumps I really sound. I think I need to go spend some more time alone with my best friend and lean a little more on Him. This "Perfect Trust" thing takes a LOT of work, but I know that He will be faithful to fill me up if I just ask.

"Ah, Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for You." Jeremiah 32:17