At Peace...

Psalm 71:20
Though you have made me see troubles, many & bitter,
You will restore my life again;
From the depths of the earth
You will bring me up again.

My dad sent me this verse within the first week of my many "troubles" last year. It has become so true in my life...God is continuing to restore my life. The amazing part is that I can see progress and that He IS faithful to bring me up again and again!

My mom has blessed me today by taking Ethan for a few hours and giving me the gift of time. Time to myself, time to reflect, time to pray, time to soak up God's Word, and even time to clean! (Though I have to admit the cleaning has not taken a priority in my life today!)

I am astounded at the number of people that are praying for me today!! It is VERY humbling to have so much love and time invested in my life. Even though I should not be surprised, I have experience so much peace today. Yes, the tears have come...It is impossible for me to go before God and not be completely honest with my heart and feelings. But even though there is still sadness, I have experienced peace and even joy through the tears as I pray.

As I visited the river with my family on Sunday night, many memories flooded my head. There were so many that I quickly wanted to wipe away completely. Yet, even with the horror of the events of the night, I was AMAZED that I could sit there and experience such peace about it all. I didn't have the same feelings of fear, anxiety, horror, and doubt that I had experienced the year before as I sat on the river bank. I could sit there with 100% assurance that Rich had just spent the best year of his life in Heaven away from all pain, suffering, and sin. I remembered a quote from the late Dr. Bill Bright (founder of Campus Crusade for Christ) saying, "I am far better off in the presence of the King and Kings and the Lord of Lords, my Wonderful Savior, than I could ever be here on earth."

Heaven has become so much more of a reality to me this past year...so much closer to my heart. Though I still have so many unanswered questions about heaven and all it entails, I am now more excited than ever to spend eternity with my Lord and Savior and my loved ones I was privileged to know here on earth. I reminded daily that it is really what we do for Christ that lasts. Our purpose is to be fishers of men and to love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul, and mind; to live a life of worship! I want to enter into heaven someday feeling as if I truly know Christ as an intimate friend. How terrible it would be to stand before the throne and know that I had not spoken to Him for days or even weeks!! I know our expectations will be blown away when we are able to actually meet Him face to face. It just makes me giddy to even think about it! How fortunate Rich is to be able to experience that now and to be spared from a long life of sin, pain, and the nature of our world. Yet, I know Christ has me here for a reason, and what may seem like a long life ahead, could be so short. Even if it is a "normal" life span, it IS so short in comparison to eternity!! Even though my heart longs to have Rich back here by my side, I don't think I could selfishly wish him back, even if I were given the opportunity. Oh yes, there are definitely moments or even days that I long for that, but then I refocus and I realize that he is right where I desire to be myself!

Again, I am overwhelmed, but should not be surprised, that I am experiencing such peace today. I know many prayers are covering me and my family. These prayers are protecting me from the enemy and His desire to steal my joy. My God is tenderly holding me in His arms today. What a Mighty God we serve!!

My weekend was filled with so much joy too! It was great being surrounded by friends who care so deeply for Ethan and me and desire to be involved in Ethan's life as he grows. It was so encouraging to me as I watched Ethan crawl into a tent with John (3 weeks younger) and his daddy, Casey. Casey was so willing to let Ethan experience some "man" time with his boy as they wrestled around in the tent together. Ethan was so excited to camp and had NO problem with me leaving him for the night as he quickly crawled into the tent and said, "John, in tent! Shoes off, John!" :-) (He is STILL talking about camping each night as I put him to bed.) I may have to camp out with him a few nights in the backyard just to appease him!

The next morning he made me laugh as he ran back and forth from one baby pool to the other literally doing cannon balls or diving head first into them! The guys laughed too as they said, "Rich would be doing the exact same thing if he were here!" We had some sweet moments together singing and listening to Shelby read from the Word as we had "church" in the pasture. We decided to make it an annual tradition every first weekend in August. I was thrilled! How nice to have something to look forward to each year instead of something to dread as THE weekend approaches. What Godly examples Ethan is surrounded by in Topeka, Derby, Rose Hill, Hartford, Plymouth, NE, and all over the world! I know Rich must be smiling as he looks down and sees his friends and family step into Ethan's life and fulfill that fatherly role. I now understand what God is saying when he says in His word He will be a "Father to the Fatherless". He is supplying that need for Ethan through so many Godly men!

Though there are still SO many hard days ahead, I know I can never say that I will doubt God's provision in my life. He has been so faithful and provided above and beyond what I could have ever asked for or expected. I even feel a little guilty at times...I mean, honestly! I have had more drinks from Starbuks this past year than I have my whole life! I would have never spent the money for drinks there before. I have been given so many gift cards for this or that and I guess people just thought I may need the caffeine...He he!! Which, there have definitely been days that I HAVE!! But, not just the gifts, but the eternal impact people have had in my life through their prayers, encouragement, hugs, presence, time, service, and so much more. I am a forever changed person not just from my loss, but from truly experiecing the body of Christ in my life!

Thanks for the prayers today and always!!