As we move forward with our lives, God has shown me that He really DOES know what He is doing and every time I fail to trust Him, He continues to show me I wasted a lot of time and energy. I have still not perfected the "PERFECT TRUST". I desire to live my life completely free of worry and trust as I look to HIM each day to fill me first and see Him in every decision and movement of life that surrounds me. He truly IS everywhere. I see Him in the beauty of creation and am constantly reminded of His love for us in even the small things such as the changing leaves. He chose to create our trees in such a way that many of them go from winter with bare branches, to leaves developing and many beautiful blooms in the Spring, onto more beauty in the summer. Then, my favorite time of year arrives (minus the allergies) as the leaves surround us with endless beauty of changing colors! This is just a tiny piece of the beauty that surrounds us. A God that can create ALL of this and takes care of even the sparrow, can surely be trusted with my little life!
"So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows." - Matthew 10:31
One area of my life that God has always put on my heart- since I was about 7- yes, seven, is adoption! I know He created me this way and put this desire on my heart for a reason. Up until now, this area has just been bathed in prayer and not something I have had the opportunity to pursue personally. I have been able to give with my prayers and financially, but not able to actually pursue the idea of welcoming children into my home. (Mostly due to my life circumstances) Well, due to many circumstances I won't get into today, God really opened up my (and my husband's eyes) to the idea of fostering and possibly adopting domestically. We still are thinking of possibly adopting internationally, but this door has been closed to us each time we pursue that option. We lived through some circumstances that allowed us to have a peek into the world of foster care and our hearts were changed through this experience. We saw such a deep need in this area and so much fear from others about pursuing this option. Let me be honest and say that we, too, have experienced some fears and yet God continues to show us that He is bigger than these fears and that these children are HIS, not ours. This is true of even our son living with us. I have had to give His life up to the Lord more times that I care to admit. Time and time again being reminded that he is truly just on loan to us and it is a privilege to raise him and show him Jesus in our daily lives, but he is God's child first! So, after a very long year of classes and somewhat intrusive look into our lives, we officially became certified by the state to become foster parents. It took us longer due to some life circumstances and great loss of Eric's mom through the process. God used even that loss to again show us that His plan is not ours, but our days are numbered and He knows our time and we must trust Him with that.
So, the foster care journey in our lives begins! I can tell this is going to be yet another area where God is going to stretch, mold, and probably shape our hearts in somewhat uncomfortable ways at times. We have already some early heartbreak and yet God continues to say to us, "Just trust me." His timing is not ours. His ways are not our ways...in fact far beyond what we could ask or imagine. (Isaiah 55:8) So we press on and until doors are closed we keep moving forward.
This morning on my run, this song came on Pandora and it spoke so near and dear to my heart. The video depicts children in a foreign country without much and yet I think it can so closely relate to kids in the foster care system too. They are definitely, in the world's eyes, often seen as the least of these and are the forgotten and unwanted children. Yet, to God, they are His special creations that are just as precious as a child born into wealth or even Christian homes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAlE2EnUP5A
So we journey on seeking to find joy each step of the way as God allows us to know Him and become more like Him along the way.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Friday, September 12, 2014
Years Later...
God continues to overwhelm me with His faithfulness in my life. I stepped away from the blogging world to invest time and energy into my marriage- Yes! Marriage!- and my life as a mom. A year (almost to date) from my last blogging entry, I married an exceptional man, Eric. It has been just amazing to watch God continue to work and teach me so much through the journey of remarrying and integrating a new man into my life and my son's life. Due to Eric's love for the Lord and his trust through this process, I have grown in ways I couldn't have imagined. While we were dating, he said to me, "God designed us in a way to allow a LOT of love in our hearts and I would never expect you to stop loving Rich." I knew at that moment that I could marry this guy! He was right too! A piece of me will always love my first husband and there have still been moments of grief that have hit and will probably always hit me as I miss his presence in our lives. However, God has also shown me that it IS possible to love and to TRUST my heart again in a new marriage and with a new life. My love and understanding of marriage has grown in ways I didn't think possible. Eric has shown me the gift of living out adoption and loving a son that was not biologically his, and yet loves him as if he was his own flesh and blood. I have always had a heart and desire to adopt. Watching this process take place through my son's life was amazing. Eric came along at the perfect time in our lives. A time when Ethan was truly seeking and desiring a father figure. I had decided early on that I would never marry just for the purpose of Ethan having a dad, and yet it really has been a gift greater than I could have imagined! Because our children eventually leave us and we desire for them to become independent of their parents as they grow their own lives, I knew that my marriage must be based on my love for Christ and my spouse first. However, I would not marry just any guy. Eric is special and unique in that he always looked at Ethan and me as a package deal. He said Ethan was just a bonus. <3
Since our marriage, we have lived a bit of a roller coaster. We (Ethan and I) packed up and left our city (the only place, other than my college years, that I had EVER lived). We left the support of our amazing church family and my own parents to move to a new city hours away in a new state and crazy Husker fans! ;-) Eric was currently in grad school working on his masters in a field of study I didn't even really understand. It was basically electrical engineering, but he took it a step further with his research in the field of ellipsometry. (I will let YOU look that up yourself rather than try and explain it!) We redid the house he was currently living in trying to make it our own. I painted practically everything and we put in new flooring and updated a bathroom. My husband is VERY handy, but was also swamped with work outside of the home. Yet, nine months into our marriage (after he had completed his master's degree), a job was offered and we packed up everything and moved once again! Thankfully, Ethan is a pretty flexible kid and enjoys adventure. With the life God has given us, we have learned to view it as an "adventure" and are always working on developing that "Perfect Trust".
We moved an hour away to a small rural town that I like to call more of a village than a town. ;-) Having never lived in a small town my entire life, this was quite the challenge. Thankfully, God has continued to show His faithfulness even through my tears and selfish ways of trying to convince both God and my husband that this could not possibly be where He wanted us to settle in and live our lives. I was reminded time and time again through my reading of His Word, prayers, and journaling that I DID, after all, want to be a missionary at one time in my life and we are called to share Christ wherever we land, even if it felt like a foreign land. And, yes, THIS felt like a foreign land. I mean, what grocery store closes at 9:00 at night and is sometimes not open (for no apparent reason) and has produce that, at times, is just not acceptable for buying?! There was not even a Wal-Mart! Not that I am a big fan anyway. I was stripped of all I thought was important and decided that at least I could maybe find some good friends that loved the Lord. Well, this also proved challenging! I spent more nights than I care to admit, crying myself to sleep over my woe-is-me condition and the lack of Christ-loving followers to support me through this new place and new life. However, God continued to show me that HE WAS ENOUGH! We tried every church (putting all denominations aside) in town. Unfortunately, we just could not find a good fit. However, not going to church and just giving up was not acceptable. Not because we wanted to be legalistic about it, but because we knew we NEEDED it to grow in our faith, to fellowship with others, and to minister to others and if for no other reason than we felt like God calls us to be a part and involved in a church body! (Hebrews 10:25- "Not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.") So, we branched out beyond our community and landed for a year and half at a great church we could call home! Through the next year and half, we dove into the village we lived in and started living our lives as best we could in a way that would hopefully represent Christ! We both loved our church away from home, but eventually the driving and the fact that we weren't able to have extra time outside of our involvement there, led us to the decision to leave that church and get involved in a LOCAL church where God had landed us to live. This was another huge step of faith and yet God has completely shocked me with the blessings that have come in just the past couple of weeks of making this decision. So many of the people we have grown to love over the years suddenly began opening up their hearts and homes to us!
This last year, I stepped out and opened our home to women in the community (all from different churches or some not churched at all). I invited them to come to a Bible Study. In this year, I was surprised at the number of women (those who knew Christ personally and many seekers) who came into our home to learn, grow, and maybe a few shake their heads and walk away at this radical woman who had moved into their community. It was a hard year because I didn't see much fruit and I selfishly did it to hopefully find some women that would be able to walk beside me and grow and encourage me as I encouraged them. God used it more for me to trust Him as I watched Him work in the lives of many seeking. He wanted me to continue to just trust HIM for my fellowship. My sweet and very patient husband got to hear probably more words than he cared to about my needs and desires for deeper female companionship. However, once again, in HIS timing He has brought a multitude of women into my life in the last couple of months that have really met me where I am at and been an amazing gift to me as we strive to seek Him first in our lives. I'm no longer the only crazy radical in this village that truly wants to live my life in a way that is not of this world. I am still growing these new found friendships but am thanking God daily for the gift of women that know HIM in my life!! I have also learned that new friendships just take time. We live in a world that TRUST is such a hard thing for so many because there are so many hurts and walls to break down first. I guess that due to the life and hurts God has allowed me to go through, I have learned that life is too short for walls. My life is pretty much an open book! For some, they think that is scary or unwise, but I have seen God use my life by being willing to share the good and the not so pretty. Obviously, I don't share EVERY detail of my life because (let's be honest) no one really cares to know it ALL! But I will press on and share the pieces (and often the hurts) that God has used to mold and make me into a woman that is hopefully becoming more of a reflection of HIM. This will be a lifelong journey. Learning to have that PERFECT TRUST along the way is part of the adventure of knowing Him.
Psalm 9:10- "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." NEVER...He never has and He never will! So very thankful!!
Next blog, I will share more about another area of trust God is teaching us as we step forward in the journey of foster care!
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."~ James 1:27
Since our marriage, we have lived a bit of a roller coaster. We (Ethan and I) packed up and left our city (the only place, other than my college years, that I had EVER lived). We left the support of our amazing church family and my own parents to move to a new city hours away in a new state and crazy Husker fans! ;-) Eric was currently in grad school working on his masters in a field of study I didn't even really understand. It was basically electrical engineering, but he took it a step further with his research in the field of ellipsometry. (I will let YOU look that up yourself rather than try and explain it!) We redid the house he was currently living in trying to make it our own. I painted practically everything and we put in new flooring and updated a bathroom. My husband is VERY handy, but was also swamped with work outside of the home. Yet, nine months into our marriage (after he had completed his master's degree), a job was offered and we packed up everything and moved once again! Thankfully, Ethan is a pretty flexible kid and enjoys adventure. With the life God has given us, we have learned to view it as an "adventure" and are always working on developing that "Perfect Trust".
We moved an hour away to a small rural town that I like to call more of a village than a town. ;-) Having never lived in a small town my entire life, this was quite the challenge. Thankfully, God has continued to show His faithfulness even through my tears and selfish ways of trying to convince both God and my husband that this could not possibly be where He wanted us to settle in and live our lives. I was reminded time and time again through my reading of His Word, prayers, and journaling that I DID, after all, want to be a missionary at one time in my life and we are called to share Christ wherever we land, even if it felt like a foreign land. And, yes, THIS felt like a foreign land. I mean, what grocery store closes at 9:00 at night and is sometimes not open (for no apparent reason) and has produce that, at times, is just not acceptable for buying?! There was not even a Wal-Mart! Not that I am a big fan anyway. I was stripped of all I thought was important and decided that at least I could maybe find some good friends that loved the Lord. Well, this also proved challenging! I spent more nights than I care to admit, crying myself to sleep over my woe-is-me condition and the lack of Christ-loving followers to support me through this new place and new life. However, God continued to show me that HE WAS ENOUGH! We tried every church (putting all denominations aside) in town. Unfortunately, we just could not find a good fit. However, not going to church and just giving up was not acceptable. Not because we wanted to be legalistic about it, but because we knew we NEEDED it to grow in our faith, to fellowship with others, and to minister to others and if for no other reason than we felt like God calls us to be a part and involved in a church body! (Hebrews 10:25- "Not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.") So, we branched out beyond our community and landed for a year and half at a great church we could call home! Through the next year and half, we dove into the village we lived in and started living our lives as best we could in a way that would hopefully represent Christ! We both loved our church away from home, but eventually the driving and the fact that we weren't able to have extra time outside of our involvement there, led us to the decision to leave that church and get involved in a LOCAL church where God had landed us to live. This was another huge step of faith and yet God has completely shocked me with the blessings that have come in just the past couple of weeks of making this decision. So many of the people we have grown to love over the years suddenly began opening up their hearts and homes to us!
This last year, I stepped out and opened our home to women in the community (all from different churches or some not churched at all). I invited them to come to a Bible Study. In this year, I was surprised at the number of women (those who knew Christ personally and many seekers) who came into our home to learn, grow, and maybe a few shake their heads and walk away at this radical woman who had moved into their community. It was a hard year because I didn't see much fruit and I selfishly did it to hopefully find some women that would be able to walk beside me and grow and encourage me as I encouraged them. God used it more for me to trust Him as I watched Him work in the lives of many seeking. He wanted me to continue to just trust HIM for my fellowship. My sweet and very patient husband got to hear probably more words than he cared to about my needs and desires for deeper female companionship. However, once again, in HIS timing He has brought a multitude of women into my life in the last couple of months that have really met me where I am at and been an amazing gift to me as we strive to seek Him first in our lives. I'm no longer the only crazy radical in this village that truly wants to live my life in a way that is not of this world. I am still growing these new found friendships but am thanking God daily for the gift of women that know HIM in my life!! I have also learned that new friendships just take time. We live in a world that TRUST is such a hard thing for so many because there are so many hurts and walls to break down first. I guess that due to the life and hurts God has allowed me to go through, I have learned that life is too short for walls. My life is pretty much an open book! For some, they think that is scary or unwise, but I have seen God use my life by being willing to share the good and the not so pretty. Obviously, I don't share EVERY detail of my life because (let's be honest) no one really cares to know it ALL! But I will press on and share the pieces (and often the hurts) that God has used to mold and make me into a woman that is hopefully becoming more of a reflection of HIM. This will be a lifelong journey. Learning to have that PERFECT TRUST along the way is part of the adventure of knowing Him.
Psalm 9:10- "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." NEVER...He never has and He never will! So very thankful!!
Next blog, I will share more about another area of trust God is teaching us as we step forward in the journey of foster care!
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."~ James 1:27
The end of the napkins...
Written in May 2011...
I can't believe how much time has passed since I have written on this blog and how much has happened in my life! God is continuing to teach and grow me closer to Him in so many ways! The thing that inspired and reminded me to write today is the fact that I just recently used up the supply of napkins that was so lovingly given to my son and I the days, weeks, and months following my husband's death. We had SO many people pour into our lives through words, time, cards, food, house repairs, household items, and even napkins! :-) In fact, it kind of became a joke as I looked in my garage at the crazy amount of napkins and paper plates that people had brought to me. Yet, God used them as a CONSTANT reminder of how He WILL supply ALL of my needs. Here it is over FOUR years later and I just used up the end of my supply about a month ago. This shows how generous everyone was to meet our material needs. It was because of these practical gifts (everything from dish soap to napkins to toilet paper, etc) that I was able to concentrate my time and effort into healing, loving on my son, and seeking God with my WHOLE heart in a time of such immense grief and shock and pain. I know so many people dive into work to get through grief, but this was not my journey. I feel SO incredibly blessed to have had the extra time and energy to face it head on daily. It wasn't always easy (and trust me, there were days I wanted to just run away from it all- even the people that were so lovingly checking in on me).
I will never be the same person because of this journey God has allowed me to go through. He has taught me I am NEVER alone, He is my very best friend, He truly WILL meet all of our needs, and His plan for our lives is always best even if we don't understand it in this lifetime. Getting married and especially having children truly teach you that life is about so much more than YOU, but it is when life doesn't go the way WE think it should that we learn that it is really not about us at all! Our purpose on this earth is to bring our God glory and to bring others to know Him. There is nothing that brings more joy because our true source of joy and happiness comes from HIM!
Since I last posted, there have been so many changes in my life! I just got married to an incredible man that I love so deeply in May. This has come with its joys and challenges (as every marriage does). I have learned that there are sometimes new things that can trigger my grief. Although the waves are a lot less frequent and less intense, I know that realistically, I will always miss Rich and have learned to just be very grateful for the part he played in my life and the years we had together. To be continued...
I will never be the same person because of this journey God has allowed me to go through. He has taught me I am NEVER alone, He is my very best friend, He truly WILL meet all of our needs, and His plan for our lives is always best even if we don't understand it in this lifetime. Getting married and especially having children truly teach you that life is about so much more than YOU, but it is when life doesn't go the way WE think it should that we learn that it is really not about us at all! Our purpose on this earth is to bring our God glory and to bring others to know Him. There is nothing that brings more joy because our true source of joy and happiness comes from HIM!
Since I last posted, there have been so many changes in my life! I just got married to an incredible man that I love so deeply in May. This has come with its joys and challenges (as every marriage does). I have learned that there are sometimes new things that can trigger my grief. Although the waves are a lot less frequent and less intense, I know that realistically, I will always miss Rich and have learned to just be very grateful for the part he played in my life and the years we had together. To be continued...
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Trusting God with my heart...
Ok, I am SO behind and that makes it kind of overwhelming to know where to even start. So, just going to touch on some highlights of ways God has continued to teach me SO much about his character over the past couple of months and also continued to teach me to just TRUST Him every step of the way.
One big step of faith in my life lately was when I got a call from the pastor of our church asking me to speak and share "my story" on Easter Sunday of all Sundays. Whew...this was slightly overwhelming and kind of hard because I thought I had made it perfectly clear to God that I had been obedient with speaking already. ;-) Lets just say it is NOT my favorite thing to do and yet even on the night of the accident, I remember thinking, "God is going to have me share about Him through this and probably ask me to speak in front of crowds of people." I have been amazed at the grace He has granted me by giving me the words, the calmness, and the peace to get through it each time. Starting with the high school bachelorette and then onto Expresso at our church and other small engagements...it DID continue to get easier. I had to learn different approaches for reaching and connecting with different groups of people, but the emotional experience of reliving the whole experience became easier each time and EVERY time I was amazed at how God would work and the connections He let me make with others to share more about Him. Ultimately, I just want others to know Him and be free to live in the knowledge and joy that comes from knowing Him!! So, in a way, I knew right away that my answer would be YES, I will come and speak at church on Easter Sunday. Once again, I was blown away by the way God used little me and was gracious enough to even reveal to me some of the fruit that came from my talk. I was approached after church by a guy I went to grade school with who was just visiting with his family and is now regularly attending our church! I also had people tell me story after story of family that had been in town that visited and the perfect timing of them hearing how God worked through my life due to a loss or tragedy in their own lives. I was reminded again to always always be open to whatever it may be that God is calling us today even if it means putting our pride and fears aside and doing things that are out of our comfort zone!
And then, AGAIN, I was asked to speak. Seriously, I have pretty much just given up trying to talk my way out of this area with God. :-) I've surrendered to whatever you want...just use me! A mom of one of the soccer players at Shawnee Heights High School called me up and asked if I would be willing to come to their end of the year banquet and share some "encouraging words". This would have been the last group of girls that Rich had coached to graduate. They were his "Freshman girls" group and he really enjoyed this part of his job to the fullest. Coaching gave him an opportunity to let go of as much of a classroom authoritative position and just joke around (much more his style) and show the love of Christ in a fatherly kind of way. He was such a natural at this and those girls just loved him!! So, I called this woman back and asked if I could share my faith...I told her that it would probably come up regardless because it was just a huge part of who I was and who Rich had been. She called the coach up and he emailed back and said I had 15-20 minutes to share as much and as openly as I wished! I was very excited about this!! For the first time, I was not even nervous (until right before-ha!) My talk came together so easily and when I began speaking, I was again at complete peace and I pray that seeds were planted that night!!
Well, another area of my life that has been way out of my comfort zone has been the area of dating. I have had such mixed feelings about it for such a long time. Wanting to move forward. Trying to go out on dates, and not enjoying them or just finding myself frustrated with the whole process and doubting that there could possibly be two people in this world that God would have for me...almost feeling selfish for thinking I deserved another good man. And then there were issues I had to deal with such as there being a lack of maturity or guys that wanted to date me but wanted nothing to do with Ethan (um, yeah, he is a BIG part of ME) and just general frustration that I was even back in the place of dating again at all! This was NOT something I ever planned to do again and to be quite frank, was quite happy to be married and close the chapter on that area of my life! I spent the last couple of years pouring over God's word and prayer about this issue. I knew that I still longed to have another companion in my life and would love to continue to grow my family, but prayed that God would always make me content with right where I was in each moment! And I was and I still am! So...funny story :-)
I have a couple of friends that continued to ask me about this area of my life and one friend in particular that sent me a link to an article all about the success of eHarmony. (Thanks, Jen ;-) We had a few chats and joked about it and how I thought it was just ridiculous and no one ever really finds a mate that way...although she did not agree with me. Then, another friend and I met for a playdate with our boys one day and she also brought up eHarmony. I had several other people mention it in passing, but left her house thinking...well why not?! I am always up for a challenge, and with my skeptical thinking about eHarmony went into the process thinking, "I'm going to prove to everyone that THIS does not work and then when asked again I can tell them I had already tried that route." I DID pray over it often and asked that God would just use the process for an opportunity to teach me some things about myself and if nothing else, maybe I would get a couple of dates out of the deal which would reimburse me for my monthly payment of $20. (oh yeah, only agreed to sign up during the special rate time too-haha) ;-) So, I began daily going through matches and started to feel like it was really too much work. After almost a month, I was about to just click on the close matches button when this certain guy came up. I'm really not sure why, but something about him kind of intrigued me. So, I went ahead and started the "process" of going through the form written questions with him. Right away he just seemed different and I was especially impressed as soon as we started communicating by email. However, I was still quite skeptical and daily journaling and basically telling God that it wouldn't work anyway because he didn't fit into my three year nursing school plan. Well, I should know better than to go down that road...I know that I may plan my course but God WILL direct my steps if I really seek Him with all my heart! I began writing things like, "well, God I just don't know if he has ____ trait or ____ trait or has experience with ____." God began to specifically answer my prayers EVERY time the next time we would talk on the phone. This guy, Eric, would bring up the topic that I had been discussing with God the night before. I finally decided to let go and stop guarding my heart and let GOD take control of my heart. We continued to get to know each other from a distance for about two months before we finally met face to face. He was even better in person than through writing and on the phone. :-) I was so impressed with how easily we were able to communicate and really enjoyed our time together. So, here I am continuing to get to know him and we are both excited about the possibilities of the future, but also continuing to give it up to God in prayer. I still believe God had a lot more to do with our meeting than eHarmony, but will have to say my friends were at least partly right. ;-) He is a great guy with a heart that loves the Lord and has the maturity to truly understand me and where I am coming from and not only respects, but also loves the mommy in me. I could go on and on about him, but will keep all the gushing for a later date. :-) Please pray with us as we continue to seek God first in our relationship and the direction that He desires for our lives! THANKS!
One big step of faith in my life lately was when I got a call from the pastor of our church asking me to speak and share "my story" on Easter Sunday of all Sundays. Whew...this was slightly overwhelming and kind of hard because I thought I had made it perfectly clear to God that I had been obedient with speaking already. ;-) Lets just say it is NOT my favorite thing to do and yet even on the night of the accident, I remember thinking, "God is going to have me share about Him through this and probably ask me to speak in front of crowds of people." I have been amazed at the grace He has granted me by giving me the words, the calmness, and the peace to get through it each time. Starting with the high school bachelorette and then onto Expresso at our church and other small engagements...it DID continue to get easier. I had to learn different approaches for reaching and connecting with different groups of people, but the emotional experience of reliving the whole experience became easier each time and EVERY time I was amazed at how God would work and the connections He let me make with others to share more about Him. Ultimately, I just want others to know Him and be free to live in the knowledge and joy that comes from knowing Him!! So, in a way, I knew right away that my answer would be YES, I will come and speak at church on Easter Sunday. Once again, I was blown away by the way God used little me and was gracious enough to even reveal to me some of the fruit that came from my talk. I was approached after church by a guy I went to grade school with who was just visiting with his family and is now regularly attending our church! I also had people tell me story after story of family that had been in town that visited and the perfect timing of them hearing how God worked through my life due to a loss or tragedy in their own lives. I was reminded again to always always be open to whatever it may be that God is calling us today even if it means putting our pride and fears aside and doing things that are out of our comfort zone!
And then, AGAIN, I was asked to speak. Seriously, I have pretty much just given up trying to talk my way out of this area with God. :-) I've surrendered to whatever you want...just use me! A mom of one of the soccer players at Shawnee Heights High School called me up and asked if I would be willing to come to their end of the year banquet and share some "encouraging words". This would have been the last group of girls that Rich had coached to graduate. They were his "Freshman girls" group and he really enjoyed this part of his job to the fullest. Coaching gave him an opportunity to let go of as much of a classroom authoritative position and just joke around (much more his style) and show the love of Christ in a fatherly kind of way. He was such a natural at this and those girls just loved him!! So, I called this woman back and asked if I could share my faith...I told her that it would probably come up regardless because it was just a huge part of who I was and who Rich had been. She called the coach up and he emailed back and said I had 15-20 minutes to share as much and as openly as I wished! I was very excited about this!! For the first time, I was not even nervous (until right before-ha!) My talk came together so easily and when I began speaking, I was again at complete peace and I pray that seeds were planted that night!!
Well, another area of my life that has been way out of my comfort zone has been the area of dating. I have had such mixed feelings about it for such a long time. Wanting to move forward. Trying to go out on dates, and not enjoying them or just finding myself frustrated with the whole process and doubting that there could possibly be two people in this world that God would have for me...almost feeling selfish for thinking I deserved another good man. And then there were issues I had to deal with such as there being a lack of maturity or guys that wanted to date me but wanted nothing to do with Ethan (um, yeah, he is a BIG part of ME) and just general frustration that I was even back in the place of dating again at all! This was NOT something I ever planned to do again and to be quite frank, was quite happy to be married and close the chapter on that area of my life! I spent the last couple of years pouring over God's word and prayer about this issue. I knew that I still longed to have another companion in my life and would love to continue to grow my family, but prayed that God would always make me content with right where I was in each moment! And I was and I still am! So...funny story :-)
I have a couple of friends that continued to ask me about this area of my life and one friend in particular that sent me a link to an article all about the success of eHarmony. (Thanks, Jen ;-) We had a few chats and joked about it and how I thought it was just ridiculous and no one ever really finds a mate that way...although she did not agree with me. Then, another friend and I met for a playdate with our boys one day and she also brought up eHarmony. I had several other people mention it in passing, but left her house thinking...well why not?! I am always up for a challenge, and with my skeptical thinking about eHarmony went into the process thinking, "I'm going to prove to everyone that THIS does not work and then when asked again I can tell them I had already tried that route." I DID pray over it often and asked that God would just use the process for an opportunity to teach me some things about myself and if nothing else, maybe I would get a couple of dates out of the deal which would reimburse me for my monthly payment of $20. (oh yeah, only agreed to sign up during the special rate time too-haha) ;-) So, I began daily going through matches and started to feel like it was really too much work. After almost a month, I was about to just click on the close matches button when this certain guy came up. I'm really not sure why, but something about him kind of intrigued me. So, I went ahead and started the "process" of going through the form written questions with him. Right away he just seemed different and I was especially impressed as soon as we started communicating by email. However, I was still quite skeptical and daily journaling and basically telling God that it wouldn't work anyway because he didn't fit into my three year nursing school plan. Well, I should know better than to go down that road...I know that I may plan my course but God WILL direct my steps if I really seek Him with all my heart! I began writing things like, "well, God I just don't know if he has ____ trait or ____ trait or has experience with ____." God began to specifically answer my prayers EVERY time the next time we would talk on the phone. This guy, Eric, would bring up the topic that I had been discussing with God the night before. I finally decided to let go and stop guarding my heart and let GOD take control of my heart. We continued to get to know each other from a distance for about two months before we finally met face to face. He was even better in person than through writing and on the phone. :-) I was so impressed with how easily we were able to communicate and really enjoyed our time together. So, here I am continuing to get to know him and we are both excited about the possibilities of the future, but also continuing to give it up to God in prayer. I still believe God had a lot more to do with our meeting than eHarmony, but will have to say my friends were at least partly right. ;-) He is a great guy with a heart that loves the Lord and has the maturity to truly understand me and where I am coming from and not only respects, but also loves the mommy in me. I could go on and on about him, but will keep all the gushing for a later date. :-) Please pray with us as we continue to seek God first in our relationship and the direction that He desires for our lives! THANKS!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Breakfast Song...
I don't know if I have shared about this or not. Considering I have been blogging now about my experiences for a couple years and don't really take time to go back and read what I wrote, this may be some repeat info. But, had to write it down so that I can be sure to have the memories recorded.
Shortly after Rich died, my father gave me a CD of the songs I had chosen to be played at the Memorial services. It is all kind of a blur, but I remember sitting down with Ed Sanderson and my father (on separate occasions) to go over music for the memorial services. I was so overwhelmed by all of the decisions that had to be made in such a short time and was still trying to soak in the fact that my best friend, my husband, the father of my baby was really dead and not coming home. Rich was such a talented musician and absolutely loved music. There was rarely a quiet moment in our house between songs from our iTunes to the radio to him strumming away on the guitar. To be honest, that is one of the things I miss most to this day. Having him come home from work and pick up his guitar and just start playing while I made dinner. It was his way of unwinding from the day and such a pick-me-up for me. It gave him time to come home and have "quiet" time without me bombarding him with words that I needed to use up to get in my daily allowance. :-) Yet, I felt so close to him without even talking and he would often ask me to sing while he played. Oh how I loved that! But, anyway, I was remembering being a bit overwhelmed by the thought of picking the "perfect" songs for the service because I knew there were just SO many that Rich had loved. But, thankfully, God cleared my head and helped me remember some that Rich had specifically mentioned were favorites and even had often enjoyed singing with me and his siblings. One in particular was "There's a Stirring" by Annie Hearing, I believe, but we always sang the Caedmon's Call arrangement. This song was performed at the services by a group of guys, many of whom Rich had been involved in their lives. It was really well done. Other songs that Rich had even mentioned that he would someday want played at his funeral were "It is Well" and I specifically remembered that the first time he heard "Blessed Be Your Name" how much he had loved this song. Every time after we would sing it at church he would have a comment about how much he liked that song and how he wanted it to be true of his life. So, that one immediately stuck out in my head as one we should sing. To this day, every time I hear it, I am encouraged to remember that God's ways are perfect and how we should sing praise to Him in the good and the bad times.
One of the hardest parts of readjusting to life without Rich has been missing his presence. For those people that knew him well, they know that he was such a fun person to be around. He was such an encourager! I tried to not find my significance in Him, but since he has been gone, it has been a real struggle to not hear "I love you" every day and wake up to "Good morning, beautiful!" and have someone there to say goodnight to and pray with, and the list goes on and on. I often use music as a filler in my life to fill the silence. For those of you who know me well, I also am quite the talker and enjoy a good conversation pretty much at all or any time of day or night. :-) So, let's just say, as a result, my child has learned to be quite verbal from a very young age. I would continue to have conversations each morning with my 14 month old talking about the plans for our day just as I would have had with Rich. Now, at the age of three, I often hear my son saying to me or others, "So, how was your day?!" or just about anything to start a conversation. I have also been greatly blessed that he has a carbon image of his daddy's heart. He often tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. I think that God uses him in my life to sometimes even speak directly to me. I am truly blessed to have a son with such a sweet and sensitive heart.
One of the times of day that was most difficult was breakfast time. It was the start of our day and even though I had usually already been awake for a bit and usually already had one round of tears and time on my knees with God by then, I felt like I had to be strong because Ethan was with me with a big smile on his face ready to do one of his favorite things...eat! :-) I knew that it would be hard to not have Rich there day after day seeing him off to work and watching him reluctantly leave his new son whom he loved SOOO much! I remember feeling overwhelmed as I would look at this baby in front of me and think I have to raise this little thing to become a man. What do I even know about men?! I remember practically having a panic attack one morning because I realized that even though I liked to watch basketball, I really didn't know the rules or understand enough to explain it all to Ethan. (football I was ok, but not basketball!) I know it seems crazy, but grief will put you over the edge about silly little things. I just felt so overwhelmed by how I was going to do this on my own. (Side note: Since then, I have not only learned a lot more about basketball :-) but I also have seen God graciously pour into our lives and show me that I am NOT really raising Ethan alone at all!) Anyway, I decided that I must fill our morning silence and began turning on the radio each morning as soon as I stepped into the kitchen.
I would always tune into K-Love because they were supposed to be "encouraging, more music, KLove!" Now, I DO love this station, but have always had a bit of complaint about the ridiculous repetition on songs they play. However, in this case, it was used in our favor. Almost every morning at the time we would sit down for breakfast, "Blessed Be Your Name" would come on. I would often sing along and thank God for the reminder that He truly had not changed and that I could continue to bless His name for who He was and trust that He would take care of us and that He WAS worthy of praise. Ethan learned this song at a very young age because he heard it SO often. In fact, as soon as he was verbal enough, HE started calling it our breakfast song. We were just driving along in the car and it came on and he said, "Hey! That's our breakfast song!" (This was almost a year later) And, in fact, just yesterday...it came on the radio and he said, "They still play our breakfast song!" He also loves it and starts singing along as loud as he can. So, in our house, "Blessed Be Your Name" will always be our "Breakfast Song" just like Ethan so perfectly titled it. It will always be a great reminder to us that we can continue to pour out our praise in the good and bad and that even though our circumstances may change, God NEVER does!
BLESSED BE YOUR NAME
Job 1:20-22
20 Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshiped, 21 And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. 22 In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly.
Shortly after Rich died, my father gave me a CD of the songs I had chosen to be played at the Memorial services. It is all kind of a blur, but I remember sitting down with Ed Sanderson and my father (on separate occasions) to go over music for the memorial services. I was so overwhelmed by all of the decisions that had to be made in such a short time and was still trying to soak in the fact that my best friend, my husband, the father of my baby was really dead and not coming home. Rich was such a talented musician and absolutely loved music. There was rarely a quiet moment in our house between songs from our iTunes to the radio to him strumming away on the guitar. To be honest, that is one of the things I miss most to this day. Having him come home from work and pick up his guitar and just start playing while I made dinner. It was his way of unwinding from the day and such a pick-me-up for me. It gave him time to come home and have "quiet" time without me bombarding him with words that I needed to use up to get in my daily allowance. :-) Yet, I felt so close to him without even talking and he would often ask me to sing while he played. Oh how I loved that! But, anyway, I was remembering being a bit overwhelmed by the thought of picking the "perfect" songs for the service because I knew there were just SO many that Rich had loved. But, thankfully, God cleared my head and helped me remember some that Rich had specifically mentioned were favorites and even had often enjoyed singing with me and his siblings. One in particular was "There's a Stirring" by Annie Hearing, I believe, but we always sang the Caedmon's Call arrangement. This song was performed at the services by a group of guys, many of whom Rich had been involved in their lives. It was really well done. Other songs that Rich had even mentioned that he would someday want played at his funeral were "It is Well" and I specifically remembered that the first time he heard "Blessed Be Your Name" how much he had loved this song. Every time after we would sing it at church he would have a comment about how much he liked that song and how he wanted it to be true of his life. So, that one immediately stuck out in my head as one we should sing. To this day, every time I hear it, I am encouraged to remember that God's ways are perfect and how we should sing praise to Him in the good and the bad times.
One of the hardest parts of readjusting to life without Rich has been missing his presence. For those people that knew him well, they know that he was such a fun person to be around. He was such an encourager! I tried to not find my significance in Him, but since he has been gone, it has been a real struggle to not hear "I love you" every day and wake up to "Good morning, beautiful!" and have someone there to say goodnight to and pray with, and the list goes on and on. I often use music as a filler in my life to fill the silence. For those of you who know me well, I also am quite the talker and enjoy a good conversation pretty much at all or any time of day or night. :-) So, let's just say, as a result, my child has learned to be quite verbal from a very young age. I would continue to have conversations each morning with my 14 month old talking about the plans for our day just as I would have had with Rich. Now, at the age of three, I often hear my son saying to me or others, "So, how was your day?!" or just about anything to start a conversation. I have also been greatly blessed that he has a carbon image of his daddy's heart. He often tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. I think that God uses him in my life to sometimes even speak directly to me. I am truly blessed to have a son with such a sweet and sensitive heart.
One of the times of day that was most difficult was breakfast time. It was the start of our day and even though I had usually already been awake for a bit and usually already had one round of tears and time on my knees with God by then, I felt like I had to be strong because Ethan was with me with a big smile on his face ready to do one of his favorite things...eat! :-) I knew that it would be hard to not have Rich there day after day seeing him off to work and watching him reluctantly leave his new son whom he loved SOOO much! I remember feeling overwhelmed as I would look at this baby in front of me and think I have to raise this little thing to become a man. What do I even know about men?! I remember practically having a panic attack one morning because I realized that even though I liked to watch basketball, I really didn't know the rules or understand enough to explain it all to Ethan. (football I was ok, but not basketball!) I know it seems crazy, but grief will put you over the edge about silly little things. I just felt so overwhelmed by how I was going to do this on my own. (Side note: Since then, I have not only learned a lot more about basketball :-) but I also have seen God graciously pour into our lives and show me that I am NOT really raising Ethan alone at all!) Anyway, I decided that I must fill our morning silence and began turning on the radio each morning as soon as I stepped into the kitchen.
I would always tune into K-Love because they were supposed to be "encouraging, more music, KLove!" Now, I DO love this station, but have always had a bit of complaint about the ridiculous repetition on songs they play. However, in this case, it was used in our favor. Almost every morning at the time we would sit down for breakfast, "Blessed Be Your Name" would come on. I would often sing along and thank God for the reminder that He truly had not changed and that I could continue to bless His name for who He was and trust that He would take care of us and that He WAS worthy of praise. Ethan learned this song at a very young age because he heard it SO often. In fact, as soon as he was verbal enough, HE started calling it our breakfast song. We were just driving along in the car and it came on and he said, "Hey! That's our breakfast song!" (This was almost a year later) And, in fact, just yesterday...it came on the radio and he said, "They still play our breakfast song!" He also loves it and starts singing along as loud as he can. So, in our house, "Blessed Be Your Name" will always be our "Breakfast Song" just like Ethan so perfectly titled it. It will always be a great reminder to us that we can continue to pour out our praise in the good and bad and that even though our circumstances may change, God NEVER does!
BLESSED BE YOUR NAME
Job 1:20-22
20 Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshiped, 21 And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. 22 In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
God's little reminders...
I'm SO happy we are finally on our way out of a very long winter. I am one of those people that is hugely affected by the amount of vitamin D in my life and has a great need for fresh air! Overall, this winter has been pretty good because at least we got a lot of snow which allowed for lots of outdoor play with distraction from the miserable cold! :-) Thanks to my gym membership I have been able to keep up with releasing the endorphins which also contributes to putting a smile of my face! But, most of all, I have SEEN and felt God work in ways in my life that have been so healing. I have new struggles, some I never thought I would face, but I can also see God using those to mold and shape me and teach me that life is NOT about me and that I am NOT as strong as I may think I am and that I can NOT do this thing called life alone! I must seek Him first and others for accountability and encouragement. Oh to ask for help...ugh! My all-time least favorite thing to do, but am also learning to put my pride aside from time to time and have been SO blessed by the response of my family and dear friends who seem to actually enjoy helping me! ;-) Love how God has surrounded me with people that I look forward to spending eternity with someday!!
Yet, there ARE still times when I am so caught off-guard by how the pain of my loss, my partner, and a real piece of me is SO great and still such a thorn in my side. As I sat at church on Sunday, I listened to our guest speaker talk about Holy Homes and the importance of the roll of a father/husband and I found myself actually getting up to leave as the tears started to fill my eyes. The last thing I wanted to do was start crying right there in church when here I am approaching the 3rd summer anniversary. Three years and I am STILL a mess. What would everyone think?! I know I shouldn't care what everyone else thinks, but it made me think that I must be doing something wrong. Am I just not trusting God enough?! I so want to move forward with my life. I WANT to be married again. There I said it. I have even started praying for God to bring someone into my (our) life. But I am faced with so many doubts. Who would want to marry a widow? I am beginning to make friends with so many new amazing beautiful young single women. Why would someone choose a widow AND someone who has a child (more responsibility) when you could start your life "fresh". I know these are lies, but they are played over and over in my head. So, then I go to the other extreme and just say, "I want to be single for the rest of my life!" Oh the battle of learning to be content RIGHT where God has me here and now! And, honestly, I still miss Rich. Just writing those words bring tears to my eyes. How can one person really deserve to be loved so well TWICE in this lifetime? I miss feeling like we have a "complete" family unit. I have a love/hate relationship with FB because I can hardly look at people's pictures anymore. It just makes me long for something I don't have. I would say I am basically content on a day to day basis until some marriage conference or family event rolls around and smacks me in the face with a big reminder that I don't belong in that category anymore.
Sooooo...what I am saying is that although I HAVE seen God do so so so SO much in my life and has brought (and will continue to bring me!) so far, I do still have a few struggles that I must turn over to Him again and again. I don't want to be consumed by these thoughts. I want to be consumed with Him! "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail." ~Lamentations 3:22
Today as I went for a run (OUTSIDE!!) I put on my iPod and tuned into all of the great worship songs that would fill my mind with truth. As I finished and was stretching, I was just telling God how much I needed Him to remind me that He loved me and that I was not alone in this journey. As I leaned over to stretch, there under the picnic table was a rock shaped just like a heart! I know this probably sounds cheesy, but it was JUST what I needed and I don't think it was any coincidence at all! Then I just continued to have Psalm 18 go through my mind over and over again. I love all of the Psalms, but had no idea at this moment what Psalm 18 even said! So, I went home and read it and was SO encouraged by what I read....
First of all, in my Bible this chapter was titled in bold writing "The Lord is my Rock and my Fortress" I couldn't help but smile as I knew I was about to read some great truth! I got pretty excited and went to get a pen to take some notes! I knew this was going to be good! :-)
If you haven't read it, I recommend it! It begins with David praising God and expressing His love for our Lord! As I researched this part a bit, I discovered that the word for love David uses in this passage means to "yearn for"...a very deep emotional and spiritual connection he is experiencing with God. In fact, the literal Hebrew translation means "to fondle" which implies he is wrapping his arms around God. Giving Him a big hug! I long for that kind of love with God one that I can confidently say I have my arms and heart wrapped around Him and He is hugging me right back! He continues with saying God is "MY rock, MY fortress, MY deliverer, MY God, MY rock, (in whom I take refuge), MY shield, the horn of MY salvation, MY stronghold" God is definitely serving as a helper and a HUGE part of his life! God is the place we must turn for strength and protection for every trial and decision of our lives!! It continues describing God's deliverance in times of trouble! Then David continues to tell why God chooses to deliver...because he delights in us and because he rewards righteousness. The verse from Zephaniah 3:17 popped into my head right away as I read this...
"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
AND, He chose to deliver David because he kept the ways of the Lord...this encouraged my heart to stay true to Him and to just keep on keeping on. :-) Each day is such a blessing to be live for HIM...just sometimes need that reminder!
Oh How He Loves Us!!
Yet, there ARE still times when I am so caught off-guard by how the pain of my loss, my partner, and a real piece of me is SO great and still such a thorn in my side. As I sat at church on Sunday, I listened to our guest speaker talk about Holy Homes and the importance of the roll of a father/husband and I found myself actually getting up to leave as the tears started to fill my eyes. The last thing I wanted to do was start crying right there in church when here I am approaching the 3rd summer anniversary. Three years and I am STILL a mess. What would everyone think?! I know I shouldn't care what everyone else thinks, but it made me think that I must be doing something wrong. Am I just not trusting God enough?! I so want to move forward with my life. I WANT to be married again. There I said it. I have even started praying for God to bring someone into my (our) life. But I am faced with so many doubts. Who would want to marry a widow? I am beginning to make friends with so many new amazing beautiful young single women. Why would someone choose a widow AND someone who has a child (more responsibility) when you could start your life "fresh". I know these are lies, but they are played over and over in my head. So, then I go to the other extreme and just say, "I want to be single for the rest of my life!" Oh the battle of learning to be content RIGHT where God has me here and now! And, honestly, I still miss Rich. Just writing those words bring tears to my eyes. How can one person really deserve to be loved so well TWICE in this lifetime? I miss feeling like we have a "complete" family unit. I have a love/hate relationship with FB because I can hardly look at people's pictures anymore. It just makes me long for something I don't have. I would say I am basically content on a day to day basis until some marriage conference or family event rolls around and smacks me in the face with a big reminder that I don't belong in that category anymore.
Sooooo...what I am saying is that although I HAVE seen God do so so so SO much in my life and has brought (and will continue to bring me!) so far, I do still have a few struggles that I must turn over to Him again and again. I don't want to be consumed by these thoughts. I want to be consumed with Him! "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail." ~Lamentations 3:22
Today as I went for a run (OUTSIDE!!) I put on my iPod and tuned into all of the great worship songs that would fill my mind with truth. As I finished and was stretching, I was just telling God how much I needed Him to remind me that He loved me and that I was not alone in this journey. As I leaned over to stretch, there under the picnic table was a rock shaped just like a heart! I know this probably sounds cheesy, but it was JUST what I needed and I don't think it was any coincidence at all! Then I just continued to have Psalm 18 go through my mind over and over again. I love all of the Psalms, but had no idea at this moment what Psalm 18 even said! So, I went home and read it and was SO encouraged by what I read....
First of all, in my Bible this chapter was titled in bold writing "The Lord is my Rock and my Fortress" I couldn't help but smile as I knew I was about to read some great truth! I got pretty excited and went to get a pen to take some notes! I knew this was going to be good! :-)
If you haven't read it, I recommend it! It begins with David praising God and expressing His love for our Lord! As I researched this part a bit, I discovered that the word for love David uses in this passage means to "yearn for"...a very deep emotional and spiritual connection he is experiencing with God. In fact, the literal Hebrew translation means "to fondle" which implies he is wrapping his arms around God. Giving Him a big hug! I long for that kind of love with God one that I can confidently say I have my arms and heart wrapped around Him and He is hugging me right back! He continues with saying God is "MY rock, MY fortress, MY deliverer, MY God, MY rock, (in whom I take refuge), MY shield, the horn of MY salvation, MY stronghold" God is definitely serving as a helper and a HUGE part of his life! God is the place we must turn for strength and protection for every trial and decision of our lives!! It continues describing God's deliverance in times of trouble! Then David continues to tell why God chooses to deliver...because he delights in us and because he rewards righteousness. The verse from Zephaniah 3:17 popped into my head right away as I read this...
"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
AND, He chose to deliver David because he kept the ways of the Lord...this encouraged my heart to stay true to Him and to just keep on keeping on. :-) Each day is such a blessing to be live for HIM...just sometimes need that reminder!
Oh How He Loves Us!!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
God's Healing Hand!!
Last Sunday I had the privilege of singing again with the worship team from our church. I had tried to join back in with the group about a year ago, but found myself at practice feeling such a tight throat and knew I would be a wreck on Sunday morning. The last thing people needed was to see me breaking down in front of the whole church...what a distraction from leading others into worship. Plus, I was a bit overwhelmed with still managing the single parenthood deal with taking Ethan to practices, and leaving my house at least an hour before his normal waking time. So, I stepped back and prayed over it deciding to try again with the new year. Worship is a very intimate and at times emotional experience, so I was uncertain, but confident that I wanted to be there. I absolutely love singing and feel like it is one of my best ways to connect with my father. I am able to remove all other thoughts from my very busy mind and actually picture myself at His feet pouring my heart out to him in song! However, it is also the one thing that will still sometimes catch me off guard and bring me to tears with no warning! Yet, this past Sunday as I sang through each song opening my heart to Him, I was so encouraged! I can honestly say that I had not even a moment of sadness the whole morning. My mind was able to focus and I felt so full of joy! There are so many memories of leading worship with Rich standing nearby playing the guitar. Yet, I know that he is probably continuing to find so much joy in doing this in heaven with some of the best like Rich Mullins! :-) I left church feeling so grateful for God's continued healing hand in my life. It was a great morning. To top it all off, Ethan did just great with his long five hour morning of being shuffled around. God is SO good!!
I look forward to continuing to be a part of the worship team here on earth and someday in Heaven with all of God's people!!
I look forward to continuing to be a part of the worship team here on earth and someday in Heaven with all of God's people!!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Enough...
A new year = new beginnings! I began this year with a bit of the winter blues (It didn't help that we had record lows and crazy weather that literally snowed us IN). Yet, all that time at home allowed me to think through things and begin to think about the year to come. I'm not much to make resolutions because I hate jumping on the latest band wagon or craze and would rather make long-term life goals. I began to think about how some of my life goals have changed a bit due to the circumstances and direction my life has gone. I am entering year 3 of living my life without the one I promised to love and cherish until death do us part. I still love him and have accepted the fact that a part of me always will. As I visited his grave over Christmas break in TX, the tears still surfaced and my heart just cried out to God once again, "I don't really understand, but I will continue to trust you." I often have to say these words out loud as a reminder to myself that it is ok to hurt, but that I also must choose to accept the life God has given me and trust that He will continue to do great things through me.
I can honestly say that I truly enjoyed my Christmas this year. (This was a first and encouraged me greatly!) I looked forward to being surrounded by family and the many nephews and nieces on my side and being with Rich's family too. It is still hard for me to believe that I am not raising a hand full of kids of my own with my husband by my side. I always dreamed of having a large family and it is just so strange at times when I stop and realize I am a single mom raising a single child. Yet, it feels right and I am truly learning to be content with what God has given me. As I was having a real heart to heart with God out in the pasture in TX over Christmas, I felt like He was saying to me, "Am I enough?!" This past year I was almost just waiting for what was next. I kept thinking maybe He would bring someone into my life so that I could carry on with my life that almost felt like it was put on hold. Everyone around me continued to grow their families and I continued to watch so many couples around me get married. Many people tried to set me up on blind dates or tell me they were praying for me to meet someone. I know they really just have my best interest in mind, but it proved to be a big distraction in my life. That day in the pasture on Jan. 1, 2010, God was reminding me (and has many times again since then) that HE IS ENOUGH! It is almost humorous how many times I have been reminded. I go to church and we sing about His Grace being Enough, "Jesus You're All I Need", etc. I sing songs with Ethan from his kids CDs about God not making mistakes and "I envy no-bo-dy", etc, etc. etc. I open His Word and am bombarded with verses about His perfect plan, His perfect love, and being thankful for what we have. So, as I tucked my sweet boy into bed tonight I told him how thankful I am that God gave Him to me and how much He loves us. He innocently answers, "I know, Mom...He gave us the perfect family--you and me!" God speaks straight through that three year old to my heart SO often! :-)
So, even though I often have to "put my feet on the floor" (as Ethan says some mornings when he greets my by my bed some mornings WAY too early)and choose that I am going to live today with a grateful heart for all I have been given, God rewards me daily for that choice! He truly IS enough! I have let go of some life goals of mine this year. God may still choose to direct my path in a different way some day, but for now, I really am enjoying the path I'm on! I'm letting go of some dreams that I once had. He IS enough and I am learning to really not only survive, but LOVE the life I have once again! How blessed I am to have any child at all! How blessed I am to have AMAZING friends that still reach out to us and take care of so many needs. (I am almost embarrassed that I have the best shoveled driveway on the whole block!) :-) How blessed I am that I have family that loves us and prays faithfully for us! How blessed I am that I have a church that I look forward to going to knowing I will hear truth about my Lord, Savior, and Redeemer and be surrounded by others who want to follow Him too and encourage me in my personal walk with Him! How blessed I am that His GRACE IS enough! I'm looking forward to another year of learning what it means to truly have "Perfect Trust" in Him. Not looking for any person or thing or event to fill me. He fills me perfectly and for that I am so very thankful!
"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!" ~Psalm 118:24
"I will sing of the Lord's great love forever." ~Psalm 89:1
"Great is our Lord and mighty in power." ~Psalm 147:5
"The Lord says, 'Those who hope in me will not be disappointed." ~Isaiah 49:23
"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." ~Psalm 5:3
I can honestly say that I truly enjoyed my Christmas this year. (This was a first and encouraged me greatly!) I looked forward to being surrounded by family and the many nephews and nieces on my side and being with Rich's family too. It is still hard for me to believe that I am not raising a hand full of kids of my own with my husband by my side. I always dreamed of having a large family and it is just so strange at times when I stop and realize I am a single mom raising a single child. Yet, it feels right and I am truly learning to be content with what God has given me. As I was having a real heart to heart with God out in the pasture in TX over Christmas, I felt like He was saying to me, "Am I enough?!" This past year I was almost just waiting for what was next. I kept thinking maybe He would bring someone into my life so that I could carry on with my life that almost felt like it was put on hold. Everyone around me continued to grow their families and I continued to watch so many couples around me get married. Many people tried to set me up on blind dates or tell me they were praying for me to meet someone. I know they really just have my best interest in mind, but it proved to be a big distraction in my life. That day in the pasture on Jan. 1, 2010, God was reminding me (and has many times again since then) that HE IS ENOUGH! It is almost humorous how many times I have been reminded. I go to church and we sing about His Grace being Enough, "Jesus You're All I Need", etc. I sing songs with Ethan from his kids CDs about God not making mistakes and "I envy no-bo-dy", etc, etc. etc. I open His Word and am bombarded with verses about His perfect plan, His perfect love, and being thankful for what we have. So, as I tucked my sweet boy into bed tonight I told him how thankful I am that God gave Him to me and how much He loves us. He innocently answers, "I know, Mom...He gave us the perfect family--you and me!" God speaks straight through that three year old to my heart SO often! :-)
So, even though I often have to "put my feet on the floor" (as Ethan says some mornings when he greets my by my bed some mornings WAY too early)and choose that I am going to live today with a grateful heart for all I have been given, God rewards me daily for that choice! He truly IS enough! I have let go of some life goals of mine this year. God may still choose to direct my path in a different way some day, but for now, I really am enjoying the path I'm on! I'm letting go of some dreams that I once had. He IS enough and I am learning to really not only survive, but LOVE the life I have once again! How blessed I am to have any child at all! How blessed I am to have AMAZING friends that still reach out to us and take care of so many needs. (I am almost embarrassed that I have the best shoveled driveway on the whole block!) :-) How blessed I am that I have family that loves us and prays faithfully for us! How blessed I am that I have a church that I look forward to going to knowing I will hear truth about my Lord, Savior, and Redeemer and be surrounded by others who want to follow Him too and encourage me in my personal walk with Him! How blessed I am that His GRACE IS enough! I'm looking forward to another year of learning what it means to truly have "Perfect Trust" in Him. Not looking for any person or thing or event to fill me. He fills me perfectly and for that I am so very thankful!
"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!" ~Psalm 118:24
"I will sing of the Lord's great love forever." ~Psalm 89:1
"Great is our Lord and mighty in power." ~Psalm 147:5
"The Lord says, 'Those who hope in me will not be disappointed." ~Isaiah 49:23
"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." ~Psalm 5:3
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Here Come the Holidays...
It is that time of year again...the "Most Wonderful Time of the Year". My favorite season is actually fall, winter, spring, and summer. :-) There are just things I love about every season!! Yet, there IS something special about this time of year. There are two ways I can choose to approach the upcoming holidays...
1) With joy and excitement of ALL I have to be thankful for and been given OR
2) With grief and sadness of ALL that is missing
I choose to go with choice #1!! JUST as I sat down to blog tonight, I received such an encouraging email from a friend. It reminded me that God's plan is SO much bigger than I could ever imagine for my life. In it there was a reference to the verse Jeremiah 29:11...one that I have been reminded of a lot lately. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"....BUT it continues..."Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." People often forget the next two verses. These verses are not really about ME at all. They are about GOD! Our whole purpose on this earth is not really about ME, it is about HIM! His plan to prosper me is for HIS glory. YES, I know I have hope and a future...that is made very clear throughout His Word as we look forward to our eternity with Him. My whole purpose on this earth is really just to lead others to His feet; not to mine! When I take the focus off of myself and am reminded of this truth, I am able to choose choice #1 with all of my heart!
There is still loneliness and are moments of deep hurt as I read FB status after FB status of those sweet husbands and new babies. Yet, God didn't say His plan would be free of pain, just free of harm. He does not allow anything to happen in my life that does not fit into His perfect plan. Maybe he brought me into this world with the sole purpose of having me marry Rich and allow me to lose him tragically so that more people would be able to join us all in eternity. There HAS been so much fruit that has come from this all. I know He has and will continue to use me for other purposes as well. But, whatever it may be, I pray that I would be able to seek HIM with all of my heart and learn to perfectly trust Him along the way.
I am SO far from where I would like to be in my journey of Perfect Trust. One would think after God has continued to show Himself to me over and over again, it would be a breeze. But, nope, I STILL have to wake up each morning and choose that I will follow Him. Life is ALL about choices. It comes up in mothering often as I talk to my three year old about "making good choices". I think there are times when I should probably go to "time-out" myself so that I can think through the decisions I have made.
I would like to think that I will get through Thanksgiving and the whole month of December without a single tear. But, realistically, I know that is not going to happen. I still am going to miss Rich. I'm not sure that will ever completely go away. But, I WILL have Holiday Joy! After all, Christmas is, once again, NOT ABOUT US! I am reminded to face the holidays with one of my favorite quotes in mind "Happiness is based on circumstances, but JOY is based on God!" Even in moments of sadness, one can be SO filled with Joy! It never leaves us when we have Christ in our lives...and for THAT, I am SO Thankful!! :-)
Still getting used to my "new normal" a bit, but SO thankful I do have a future here on earth and in eternity with my Jesus! Since I have been blessed with another day, I choose to live it with a thankful heart....
Knowing You
1) With joy and excitement of ALL I have to be thankful for and been given OR
2) With grief and sadness of ALL that is missing
I choose to go with choice #1!! JUST as I sat down to blog tonight, I received such an encouraging email from a friend. It reminded me that God's plan is SO much bigger than I could ever imagine for my life. In it there was a reference to the verse Jeremiah 29:11...one that I have been reminded of a lot lately. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"....BUT it continues..."Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." People often forget the next two verses. These verses are not really about ME at all. They are about GOD! Our whole purpose on this earth is not really about ME, it is about HIM! His plan to prosper me is for HIS glory. YES, I know I have hope and a future...that is made very clear throughout His Word as we look forward to our eternity with Him. My whole purpose on this earth is really just to lead others to His feet; not to mine! When I take the focus off of myself and am reminded of this truth, I am able to choose choice #1 with all of my heart!
There is still loneliness and are moments of deep hurt as I read FB status after FB status of those sweet husbands and new babies. Yet, God didn't say His plan would be free of pain, just free of harm. He does not allow anything to happen in my life that does not fit into His perfect plan. Maybe he brought me into this world with the sole purpose of having me marry Rich and allow me to lose him tragically so that more people would be able to join us all in eternity. There HAS been so much fruit that has come from this all. I know He has and will continue to use me for other purposes as well. But, whatever it may be, I pray that I would be able to seek HIM with all of my heart and learn to perfectly trust Him along the way.
I am SO far from where I would like to be in my journey of Perfect Trust. One would think after God has continued to show Himself to me over and over again, it would be a breeze. But, nope, I STILL have to wake up each morning and choose that I will follow Him. Life is ALL about choices. It comes up in mothering often as I talk to my three year old about "making good choices". I think there are times when I should probably go to "time-out" myself so that I can think through the decisions I have made.
I would like to think that I will get through Thanksgiving and the whole month of December without a single tear. But, realistically, I know that is not going to happen. I still am going to miss Rich. I'm not sure that will ever completely go away. But, I WILL have Holiday Joy! After all, Christmas is, once again, NOT ABOUT US! I am reminded to face the holidays with one of my favorite quotes in mind "Happiness is based on circumstances, but JOY is based on God!" Even in moments of sadness, one can be SO filled with Joy! It never leaves us when we have Christ in our lives...and for THAT, I am SO Thankful!! :-)
Still getting used to my "new normal" a bit, but SO thankful I do have a future here on earth and in eternity with my Jesus! Since I have been blessed with another day, I choose to live it with a thankful heart....
Knowing You
Sunday, November 1, 2009
The Rollercoaster Continues...
Well, I began the month of October full of so much hope for my future and ended it crying out to God for strength to just make it through another day. Life is so full of ups and downs...esp when raising a THREE year old!
To be perfectly honest, today was the most dreadful day! This past week, I have been really struggling with the idea of Ethan growing up without a daddy. I feel like I am cheating him out of so much (not that I chose this life for him OR myself!) I try really hard to wear both the mommy and daddy hat, but often miserably fail. There are moments of great success when I explore the tool box and discover how to use a new tool to fix something or take apart something. I love getting out and getting dirty with Ethan, but I am just very much a mom...it's just who God made me and I can't be a dad for him. The discipline issue is becoming harder and harder as he gets older and smarter and WOW, where did that attitude come from?! I know a lot of these feelings come from just raising a three year old, but I just so wish I could do it WITH someone. It didn't help that I sat through church this morning and the whole service was a guest speaker talking about the importance of the 5th commandment...Honor your Father and Mother...He had to make a point (SEVERAL times!) about how important it is for children to grow up with a father. Yeah, I pretty much fought back the tears the whole service. THEN, I go to pick up my child from Sunday School and get a bad report hearing that he was disrespectful to one of the teachers (my friend, nonetheless) and had a complete meltdown. I was supposed to go to a baby shower, but ended up just dropping the gift off because I didn't want to ruin the shower by breaking down in tears wishing I could also have another baby. Ok, I'm sure this is really just sounding like a big woe is me entry, but I just decided I needed to get it all out. I KNOW God is going to help me through this moment of weakness in my trust in Him. He's brought me through so much before, surely He can get me back up that hill and rejoice in His faithfulness once again.
Ok, ok, let me get my head back on and out of this pit!! Yes, sometimes my life is rough (but who doesn't have those rough spots?!) Sometimes it just outright sucks that I lost my husband and my dream of a family together, but who better to fill that spot than the one who created me and knows every hair on my head? I need to walk in perfect trust that He KNOWS what is best for me and when I need it. Right now, for some crazy reason, He must think that I am enough for Ethan. Even though in my eyes, I can't imagine I am doing enough, I am giving that up to Him. Ultimately, Ethan is really His child anyway!
As I was sitting here, pouring out my thoughts on the computer, I once again was drawn to the two books that sit by my computer and that inspired this whole blog..."Perfect Trust" and my Bible. I stopped and was directed to the story of Elijah. What better story than to prove that I CAN trust God for the impossibilities. The word impossible probably wasn't even in Elijah's vocabulary when it came to God! If he could walk nearly 100 miles through a journey of what I would definitely call "rough times", surely I can make it through this season of my life. I need to remember that God WILL provide for all of my NEEDS. Though there are things that I THINK we need from time to time, God must be thinking otherwise or they would already be in place. THAT I can trust because He has always proved Himself to be faithful. I read this great quote that was a good reminder of that..."Since He took care of our greatest need at Calvary by giving us Christ, then you can be sure He will take care of everything else He considers important for us." So true! I have HIM!! And with Christ, we can do the impossible...even raise a VERY strong-willed three year old boy. :-) So, goodbye lies about children never turning out okay without a father. Goodbye lies that my son will end up in prison (yes, I have actually been fighting that lie! :-) Goodbye lies that Ethan is being raised without a dad...He's got the best dad there is and HE can conquer the impossible!
So even though the headache is still there and the tears are still wanting to fall, I am going to continue to walk with Him and trust HIM to take care of the rest. Yes, He may get to hear an earful from me tonight, but prayer doesn't really change God...it changes US! So, goodnight for now. I have some changing to do!
To be perfectly honest, today was the most dreadful day! This past week, I have been really struggling with the idea of Ethan growing up without a daddy. I feel like I am cheating him out of so much (not that I chose this life for him OR myself!) I try really hard to wear both the mommy and daddy hat, but often miserably fail. There are moments of great success when I explore the tool box and discover how to use a new tool to fix something or take apart something. I love getting out and getting dirty with Ethan, but I am just very much a mom...it's just who God made me and I can't be a dad for him. The discipline issue is becoming harder and harder as he gets older and smarter and WOW, where did that attitude come from?! I know a lot of these feelings come from just raising a three year old, but I just so wish I could do it WITH someone. It didn't help that I sat through church this morning and the whole service was a guest speaker talking about the importance of the 5th commandment...Honor your Father and Mother...He had to make a point (SEVERAL times!) about how important it is for children to grow up with a father. Yeah, I pretty much fought back the tears the whole service. THEN, I go to pick up my child from Sunday School and get a bad report hearing that he was disrespectful to one of the teachers (my friend, nonetheless) and had a complete meltdown. I was supposed to go to a baby shower, but ended up just dropping the gift off because I didn't want to ruin the shower by breaking down in tears wishing I could also have another baby. Ok, I'm sure this is really just sounding like a big woe is me entry, but I just decided I needed to get it all out. I KNOW God is going to help me through this moment of weakness in my trust in Him. He's brought me through so much before, surely He can get me back up that hill and rejoice in His faithfulness once again.
Ok, ok, let me get my head back on and out of this pit!! Yes, sometimes my life is rough (but who doesn't have those rough spots?!) Sometimes it just outright sucks that I lost my husband and my dream of a family together, but who better to fill that spot than the one who created me and knows every hair on my head? I need to walk in perfect trust that He KNOWS what is best for me and when I need it. Right now, for some crazy reason, He must think that I am enough for Ethan. Even though in my eyes, I can't imagine I am doing enough, I am giving that up to Him. Ultimately, Ethan is really His child anyway!
As I was sitting here, pouring out my thoughts on the computer, I once again was drawn to the two books that sit by my computer and that inspired this whole blog..."Perfect Trust" and my Bible. I stopped and was directed to the story of Elijah. What better story than to prove that I CAN trust God for the impossibilities. The word impossible probably wasn't even in Elijah's vocabulary when it came to God! If he could walk nearly 100 miles through a journey of what I would definitely call "rough times", surely I can make it through this season of my life. I need to remember that God WILL provide for all of my NEEDS. Though there are things that I THINK we need from time to time, God must be thinking otherwise or they would already be in place. THAT I can trust because He has always proved Himself to be faithful. I read this great quote that was a good reminder of that..."Since He took care of our greatest need at Calvary by giving us Christ, then you can be sure He will take care of everything else He considers important for us." So true! I have HIM!! And with Christ, we can do the impossible...even raise a VERY strong-willed three year old boy. :-) So, goodbye lies about children never turning out okay without a father. Goodbye lies that my son will end up in prison (yes, I have actually been fighting that lie! :-) Goodbye lies that Ethan is being raised without a dad...He's got the best dad there is and HE can conquer the impossible!
So even though the headache is still there and the tears are still wanting to fall, I am going to continue to walk with Him and trust HIM to take care of the rest. Yes, He may get to hear an earful from me tonight, but prayer doesn't really change God...it changes US! So, goodnight for now. I have some changing to do!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Oh no, He'll never let go!!
Wow! SO much has happened in my life since my last post. Organizing my thoughts and sharing all that is on my heart may be hard to do in writing. I am going to do my best to sum up the events of my life and share some continued "God moments" as He continues to bless me abundantly and remind me that He has a hand in every detail of my life!!
First of all, I just LOVE to share the miraculous ways that God continues to care for Ethan and me. Seriously, I just can't get ahead of Him...though every part of my earthly body wants to take moments to worry or fret about finances or future plans for my life, HE has not allowed that to happen because He is always one step ahead of me laying out every detail so clearly and giving me not a moment to doubt His amazing provision. One example of his miraculous work in my life came with a notice from my mortgage company. About a month and a half ago, I received a letter saying that there was a mistake made with my escrow payments and that I was going to owe an extra eighty-some dollars a month to cover the costs in my mortgage payments. Well, this immediately caused a little concern because I live on a very tight budget that just does not allow for an extra eighty-some dollars to be spent each month. It said the payment adjustments would be made starting in Sept. I knew I would be gone most of the month of Sept and would not be able to work extra days or find little jobs to supplement this cost while I was away. I did not really worry about it though. For some reason, I set it aside and remembered to pray about it, but just knew He would provide somehow!! I didn't even mention this to anyone, because I didn't want others worrying about it or jumping in to help me out. (I have already had SO much done for me!) A couple of weeks later, as I was getting ready for bed, I pulled out a book that had been packed in my travel bag called "God is in Control". I had not looked at this book for a couple of weeks, but remembered something in it that I wanted to read. When I opened up the book, all kinds of bills from 100s to 50s to 10s to 1s fell out coming to a total of $1008 dollars!! I was just in shock. I could not imagine where this money had come from. I started to rack my brain for any explanation. I HAD left my travel bag in my car for a few days, but could not imagine anyone would put that kind of cash in an unlocked car! Anyway, I was just so shocked about the amount of money and that there was actually cash in my book that I didn't make the connection until the NEXT day. There on my dining room table was the notice. I picked it up and added up $84 times 12 months....it came to exactly $1008. I know that God often uses His people to supply our needs, but I was STILL in shock and to this day can not figure out where the money came from...possibly straight from the hand of God!! So, once again, He proved to me that He has me right where I need to be and that He WILL take care of my needs!
Another HUGE blessing came in the opportunity to trust God with my life and the life of my son as I traveled overseas on a short-term trip to teach English and share my life with my students. It was a big step of faith to leave Ethan, but I felt like this was not an opportunity I could pass up. I knew he would be well cared for and loved in the hands of his grandparents. He is a very secure child who has never faced separation anxiety (a HUGE blessing!!) and so I felt confident in leaving him for this period of time. Again, I was not sure what others would think and if I should even ask for support. But, I took a chance and sent out some letters to let others know what I was planning to do. I figured if this was not in God's plan for my life He would make it obvious and just not provide a way for me to get there. Well, the support was amazing! I had the money raised to go in less than two weeks! People were asking to give and to pray that I had not even sent letters to about my trip. And my trip was beyond amazing!! I have a whole new perspective on how to pray more specifically for the Muslim culture and the workers that are living there. I had the opportunity to share my life, my hurts, and my hope with some of my students. Thankfully, I was able to hand my friendships over to other believers that will be there for the entire year so that the seeds planted may blossom into changed lives for eternity!! I will continue to pray by name for each of these girls and hope to someday greet their beautiful faces at the gates of heaven! I was able to see more pain and feelings of worthlessness than I have ever seen in the insecurity of girls here. I had a girl actually cry in my class as she shared that her dream was "to be a boy because then my life would have purpose." I pray she truly heard truth when I talked with her later and just told her that God did not make a mistake when he created her and that He knew every hair on her head and loved her perfectly just the way she was made! I hope someday she will hear that He even sent His son, Jesus, to die for HER!
When I got home, it was so good to reconnect with Ethan, my family, and friends. My son loves to sing and a new song I often hear him belting out around the house is, "Oh no, He'll never let go...through the calm and through the storm...Oh no, He'll never let go...every high and every low...He'll never let go of me." How TRUE this song is and how FAITHFUL God has proved Himself to be over and over again in MY life and my son's life. It was good to have time away and time to myself. Even though I was busy in a foreign land with the purpose of teaching and praying for opportunities to share and for others to just SEE Jesus in me, I was also able to reflect a LOT on my life over the past two years. WOW, what a journey I have been through. Yet, I can honestly say, that He NEVER LET GO!
I feel more confident in who I am in Christ than I have ever felt before. I KNOW that He is in charge of every detail of my life and that He continues to have great plans for me and my future. I hope to have MANY opportunities to share about Him with others. But my heart is especially soft to the idea of sharing with others who may have had NO opportunity to know about Him and maybe not even the freedom to hear about Him. Not sure where He is leading me and Ethan with our future...but I am going to continue to pursue opportunities to serve Him wherever He has me...whether it be here in the States or overseas. For a while, I was so hurt and just surviving to really see clearly enough to think about my future. But now, I see SO many opportunities and can honestly say I am EXCITED again about my life and what is to come! It is SO amazing how God can use our greatest tragedies to grow us closer to Him and to USE us for HIS glory!! What joy it brings me to be used for HIM. Life is such an adventure and I LOVE adventure. I know that there will be more tragedy and hurt in my future, but I also know that HE already knows it is there and will NEVER let go! I pray that He will continue to refine me and bring me through whatever is to come as pure gold. It's all about perspective! We ALL have our hurts and our joys. But without Christ, that is all they are...hurts and temporary spurts of relief. WITH Christ, they are hurts that can be healed and used to change us to be more like Him and to draw others TO Him. There are Joys that are continuous and that never leave us because HE never leaves us!! What a privilege it IS to be a child of God and to have the honor of serving Him.
And, oh the mystery and excitement of what is to come!! :-)
"And the Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your desire with good things, and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters fail not." ~Isaiah 58:11
First of all, I just LOVE to share the miraculous ways that God continues to care for Ethan and me. Seriously, I just can't get ahead of Him...though every part of my earthly body wants to take moments to worry or fret about finances or future plans for my life, HE has not allowed that to happen because He is always one step ahead of me laying out every detail so clearly and giving me not a moment to doubt His amazing provision. One example of his miraculous work in my life came with a notice from my mortgage company. About a month and a half ago, I received a letter saying that there was a mistake made with my escrow payments and that I was going to owe an extra eighty-some dollars a month to cover the costs in my mortgage payments. Well, this immediately caused a little concern because I live on a very tight budget that just does not allow for an extra eighty-some dollars to be spent each month. It said the payment adjustments would be made starting in Sept. I knew I would be gone most of the month of Sept and would not be able to work extra days or find little jobs to supplement this cost while I was away. I did not really worry about it though. For some reason, I set it aside and remembered to pray about it, but just knew He would provide somehow!! I didn't even mention this to anyone, because I didn't want others worrying about it or jumping in to help me out. (I have already had SO much done for me!) A couple of weeks later, as I was getting ready for bed, I pulled out a book that had been packed in my travel bag called "God is in Control". I had not looked at this book for a couple of weeks, but remembered something in it that I wanted to read. When I opened up the book, all kinds of bills from 100s to 50s to 10s to 1s fell out coming to a total of $1008 dollars!! I was just in shock. I could not imagine where this money had come from. I started to rack my brain for any explanation. I HAD left my travel bag in my car for a few days, but could not imagine anyone would put that kind of cash in an unlocked car! Anyway, I was just so shocked about the amount of money and that there was actually cash in my book that I didn't make the connection until the NEXT day. There on my dining room table was the notice. I picked it up and added up $84 times 12 months....it came to exactly $1008. I know that God often uses His people to supply our needs, but I was STILL in shock and to this day can not figure out where the money came from...possibly straight from the hand of God!! So, once again, He proved to me that He has me right where I need to be and that He WILL take care of my needs!
Another HUGE blessing came in the opportunity to trust God with my life and the life of my son as I traveled overseas on a short-term trip to teach English and share my life with my students. It was a big step of faith to leave Ethan, but I felt like this was not an opportunity I could pass up. I knew he would be well cared for and loved in the hands of his grandparents. He is a very secure child who has never faced separation anxiety (a HUGE blessing!!) and so I felt confident in leaving him for this period of time. Again, I was not sure what others would think and if I should even ask for support. But, I took a chance and sent out some letters to let others know what I was planning to do. I figured if this was not in God's plan for my life He would make it obvious and just not provide a way for me to get there. Well, the support was amazing! I had the money raised to go in less than two weeks! People were asking to give and to pray that I had not even sent letters to about my trip. And my trip was beyond amazing!! I have a whole new perspective on how to pray more specifically for the Muslim culture and the workers that are living there. I had the opportunity to share my life, my hurts, and my hope with some of my students. Thankfully, I was able to hand my friendships over to other believers that will be there for the entire year so that the seeds planted may blossom into changed lives for eternity!! I will continue to pray by name for each of these girls and hope to someday greet their beautiful faces at the gates of heaven! I was able to see more pain and feelings of worthlessness than I have ever seen in the insecurity of girls here. I had a girl actually cry in my class as she shared that her dream was "to be a boy because then my life would have purpose." I pray she truly heard truth when I talked with her later and just told her that God did not make a mistake when he created her and that He knew every hair on her head and loved her perfectly just the way she was made! I hope someday she will hear that He even sent His son, Jesus, to die for HER!
When I got home, it was so good to reconnect with Ethan, my family, and friends. My son loves to sing and a new song I often hear him belting out around the house is, "Oh no, He'll never let go...through the calm and through the storm...Oh no, He'll never let go...every high and every low...He'll never let go of me." How TRUE this song is and how FAITHFUL God has proved Himself to be over and over again in MY life and my son's life. It was good to have time away and time to myself. Even though I was busy in a foreign land with the purpose of teaching and praying for opportunities to share and for others to just SEE Jesus in me, I was also able to reflect a LOT on my life over the past two years. WOW, what a journey I have been through. Yet, I can honestly say, that He NEVER LET GO!
I feel more confident in who I am in Christ than I have ever felt before. I KNOW that He is in charge of every detail of my life and that He continues to have great plans for me and my future. I hope to have MANY opportunities to share about Him with others. But my heart is especially soft to the idea of sharing with others who may have had NO opportunity to know about Him and maybe not even the freedom to hear about Him. Not sure where He is leading me and Ethan with our future...but I am going to continue to pursue opportunities to serve Him wherever He has me...whether it be here in the States or overseas. For a while, I was so hurt and just surviving to really see clearly enough to think about my future. But now, I see SO many opportunities and can honestly say I am EXCITED again about my life and what is to come! It is SO amazing how God can use our greatest tragedies to grow us closer to Him and to USE us for HIS glory!! What joy it brings me to be used for HIM. Life is such an adventure and I LOVE adventure. I know that there will be more tragedy and hurt in my future, but I also know that HE already knows it is there and will NEVER let go! I pray that He will continue to refine me and bring me through whatever is to come as pure gold. It's all about perspective! We ALL have our hurts and our joys. But without Christ, that is all they are...hurts and temporary spurts of relief. WITH Christ, they are hurts that can be healed and used to change us to be more like Him and to draw others TO Him. There are Joys that are continuous and that never leave us because HE never leaves us!! What a privilege it IS to be a child of God and to have the honor of serving Him.
And, oh the mystery and excitement of what is to come!! :-)
"And the Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your desire with good things, and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters fail not." ~Isaiah 58:11
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Great loss = Great gain
If I am completely honest with myself and others, I can say that I am dreading the coming week. The memories are always there, but there is something about the actual season and dates that roll around that bring back emotions and feelings that I usually don't deal with on a day to day basis. I can still so vividly remember the phone call, the pit in my stomach, and the LONG wait as the search began. I knew from the very beginning that it was not going to end well, but one always holds on to a little hope that maybe, just maybe your loved one will be the one in a million that pulls through.
Yet, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace from the very beginning that God is SO much bigger than my little view of life and that whatever happens, HE would sustain me through it all. And He has!! Don't get me wrong, there have been tears, and times where I even sobbed to the point of wanting to throw up and questions of how will I ever make it...raising a son on my own without his daddy just left me with a VERY unsettled feeling over and over again. And, losing that one person that knew me better than anyone on this earth and loved me in spite of knowing everything about me, was completely heartbreaking. Even as I write this, my eyes tear up and my throat tightens as I try to fight back the urge to let them fall. It was a GREAT loss! And, yet, August 5th, 2007, on that very hot summer night, I remember praying that whatever happens, that if he WAS gone, than to just not let it be in vain. I remember praying that God would use this HUGELY in my life to change me and everyone around me...to the far stretches of the world!
Well, HE has answered that prayer over and over again!! I have seen lives changed and heard countless stories from others (whom I even barely know) that have seen lives changed because of this great loss. People who have come to know Christ personally and others who have recommitted their lives to Christ. I have had numerous opportunities to speak (something I NEVER desired to do) and God has used that to reach others as well as draw me so much closer to Him as I HAD to trust Him through it all. My life has been changed beyond what I could have ever asked or imagined. I have seen the body of Christ TRULY become family to me and support me in every way possible. From food, to lawn mowing, to financially, to flowers, to gifts for Ethan and me, to cards, to home improvements, to most importantly prayers...I have been looked after!
I have learned that I am more vulnerable than ever if I am not faithfully in the Word. I have learned weaknesses about myself that I never even knew existed before. The ugliness of pride, selfishness, jealousy, and others have come to the surface as I have faced new challenges of living on my own this past couple of years. Going from living with my parents to college with roommates to marriage with a spouse, I have never experienced what it means to be alone....really alone! Yes, I DO have a three year old, so granted, I don't have a LOT of alone time....but not living with another person at the same stage of life has been a completely new and challenging experience for me. I've battled the balance between loneliness and busyness...the urge to fill every moment so I would not have to face the silence. Yet God has prevailed, even when I have failed. He's always there just waiting for me to trust and rely on Him once again!! And this fall, He has even opened up the opportunity for me to share my life in the far stretches of the world...just as I prayed that hot summer night. I get to go share with others who have also experienced great loss about how we can still have SO much hope and joy in life through knowing Him. What an amazing God we serve!!
So, as Aug. 5th, 2009 approaches, yes, there are feelings of anxiousness as I think about the memories of that night. There are always emotions that flood me as I approach a birthday, anniversary, holiday, or big event. Yet, the actual day of the event, I am filled with an overwhelming sense of peace...and I KNOW that is because others are praying for me and Ethan. Prayer IS so effective in our lives!! So, thanks for the prayers! Thanks for loving us so well though our loss! Please continue to pray that our loss will be God's great gain!!! After all, our purpose is to bring HIM glory!!
This song puts it better than I could ever put it into words...
Bring on the Rain
Yet, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace from the very beginning that God is SO much bigger than my little view of life and that whatever happens, HE would sustain me through it all. And He has!! Don't get me wrong, there have been tears, and times where I even sobbed to the point of wanting to throw up and questions of how will I ever make it...raising a son on my own without his daddy just left me with a VERY unsettled feeling over and over again. And, losing that one person that knew me better than anyone on this earth and loved me in spite of knowing everything about me, was completely heartbreaking. Even as I write this, my eyes tear up and my throat tightens as I try to fight back the urge to let them fall. It was a GREAT loss! And, yet, August 5th, 2007, on that very hot summer night, I remember praying that whatever happens, that if he WAS gone, than to just not let it be in vain. I remember praying that God would use this HUGELY in my life to change me and everyone around me...to the far stretches of the world!
Well, HE has answered that prayer over and over again!! I have seen lives changed and heard countless stories from others (whom I even barely know) that have seen lives changed because of this great loss. People who have come to know Christ personally and others who have recommitted their lives to Christ. I have had numerous opportunities to speak (something I NEVER desired to do) and God has used that to reach others as well as draw me so much closer to Him as I HAD to trust Him through it all. My life has been changed beyond what I could have ever asked or imagined. I have seen the body of Christ TRULY become family to me and support me in every way possible. From food, to lawn mowing, to financially, to flowers, to gifts for Ethan and me, to cards, to home improvements, to most importantly prayers...I have been looked after!
I have learned that I am more vulnerable than ever if I am not faithfully in the Word. I have learned weaknesses about myself that I never even knew existed before. The ugliness of pride, selfishness, jealousy, and others have come to the surface as I have faced new challenges of living on my own this past couple of years. Going from living with my parents to college with roommates to marriage with a spouse, I have never experienced what it means to be alone....really alone! Yes, I DO have a three year old, so granted, I don't have a LOT of alone time....but not living with another person at the same stage of life has been a completely new and challenging experience for me. I've battled the balance between loneliness and busyness...the urge to fill every moment so I would not have to face the silence. Yet God has prevailed, even when I have failed. He's always there just waiting for me to trust and rely on Him once again!! And this fall, He has even opened up the opportunity for me to share my life in the far stretches of the world...just as I prayed that hot summer night. I get to go share with others who have also experienced great loss about how we can still have SO much hope and joy in life through knowing Him. What an amazing God we serve!!
So, as Aug. 5th, 2009 approaches, yes, there are feelings of anxiousness as I think about the memories of that night. There are always emotions that flood me as I approach a birthday, anniversary, holiday, or big event. Yet, the actual day of the event, I am filled with an overwhelming sense of peace...and I KNOW that is because others are praying for me and Ethan. Prayer IS so effective in our lives!! So, thanks for the prayers! Thanks for loving us so well though our loss! Please continue to pray that our loss will be God's great gain!!! After all, our purpose is to bring HIM glory!!
This song puts it better than I could ever put it into words...
Bring on the Rain
Thursday, July 16, 2009
The time has come...
"Great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies."
~Psalm 108:4
Today, I attacked the big dark hole that only a handful of people in my life have even been allowed to see since Rich left this world...the office. I am embarrassed to admit it, but I have honestly not cleaned that little room off of my bedroom for almost two years! Little by little I was able to go on with every part of my life, but this was Rich's room...everything about it breathed him.
He surprised me when I was away on a trip to N. Carolina visiting my sister. I came home to a big hole in my bedroom wall and an unfinished area that used to be an attic above the garage that he said was our new office. He was so excited and proud of the fact he was going to take on this project that I couldn't be mad...but oh my, what an undertaking it was! The thing I loved (and honestly sometimes annoyed me greatly) about Rich was that he always thought he could do things himself and if he didn't know how, he would learn. Well, the room DID get finished. (I believe it took about four years, but who was counting?!) :-) We both learned a lot and though it could still use a lot of work (like the doorway that still needs to be framed, etc.) but it was HIS and he was proud of it. I surprised him one day while he was at work when I was VERY pregnant and decided to not sub that day by decorating the room with everything he loved. I hung the Texas flag in the corner and filled the walls and bookshelves with his special things. He was a very eclectic guy loving everything from fishing to golf. He loved history and learning and had a passion for people. He was a city boy and yet a cowboy at heart and had notebooks full of everything from songbooks for guitar playing to research on cows to his crazy Henry Hoch letters. (long story, you'll have to ask) He loved all athletics and pretty much was INTO whatever sport was in season, playing and coaching and watching. So, anyway, this room was his and reflected him...the recliner in the corner for his down time, the computer, movies, and books and more books. And then, of course, there was the corner full of Ebay stuff. Let's just say he had a bit of an addiction selling and buying on Ebay. It was actually quite profitable, but could become a bit ridiculous at times. To make this point a little more clear, my mailman actually wrote me a card when Rich died because we were on a first name basis due to us getting so many packages. I write all of this to share the impact of how stepping into this room has been hard for me. Yet, I did it day in and day out to check my email, work on paperwork, relax in the recliner with a good book of my own, and at the beginning just sit and cry, no let's be honest, sob!
The thing that is so amazing about it all is that this room has carried SO many emotions and yet today, I woke up feeling that it was time! Not a doubt in my mind...just peace. By afternoon, I was able to begin actually working on it due to a few other errands and needs that had to be met that day first. As I began to go through the piles (and yes, there were some BIG piles) of books, paperwork, pictures, etc, it was so encouraging. I honestly can't believe I am admitting to anyone that I had a room that was so messy in my life, but it was just too overwhelming emotionally before to even want to do anything about it. I would often walk in there with blinders on and walk right back out. Other times I would go in and just soak it in and cry. Other times I would go in there and be so ashamed, I would just leave feeling guilty that I had this in my life.
Well, as I went through things today, I was amazed at how much God has truly healed my heart and how much I have learned over the past couple of years about myself and even more importantly, my God. As I ran across things and pictures so many memories flooded my mind. I found myself laughing at things that I know would have annoyed me many years ago. How trivial things seem in hindsight. I prayed immediately that if God ever granted me the privilege of being a wife again, I would never forget this and that I would embrace everything that made my husband different than myself...how He uses that to make us more complete!! I often found myself giggling at quirky things I would find that belonged to Rich and know at one time I would have been a little frustrated at the many Ebay items he had purchased or the latest hobby he had decided to get into, but now I just appreciate that he really knew how to live life to the fullest and enjoyed every part of it! I found CDs full of collections of favorite songs and I have enjoyed listening to them throughout the evening as I sorted through things.
THEN, I came across the pile of things I had made...everything from death certificates to many many to-do lists. I was blown away by all that I had actually accomplished the weeks after his death and know that only with God's strength and SO many people pouring their lives into me was I able to get through it all. The strange part about it all is that even this pile did not bring me tears, but instead was encouraging to me as I can remember the feelings I experienced two years ago in August...the feeling of knowing what it could possibly be like to die of a broken heart, feeling so hurt that I could not even put it into words, but just cry myself to sleep night after night and hope that maybe I would just wake up in the arms of Jesus, the feeling of such desperation that I would literally read book after book of the Bible just so I could fill my mind with truth and hope and though I could not sleep much, still feeling rested and full of hope every morning...knowing that God WOULD carry me through one more day and that I could be strong to love on my son and show him God's love. And there are the pile of books on grief...wow! I think I have a whole library now just of those! Yet, I read every one and some of them more than once. I came across notes and the many many verses I posted all over my office and bathroom mirror as reminders of TRUTH and God's promises. I am still overwhelmed by how God used so many people and is STILL using people in my life to carry me forward. It is encouraging to me that going through some of Rich's most intimate things brought not sadness, but a smile to my face and made me think he DID live a full life. So many people think his life was cut short, and yet, I think he lived a fuller life in his 30 years than many do in 100 years. I can see his place in my life as such a blessing and lessons learned from having him as a part of my life. Thank you, Lord!
*Though I am not done with the office, a HUGE dent has been made and I am looking forward to making it my own personal space soon...a place where I can go as my sweet retreat from the busyness of life!
"I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." ~Eph. 3:17-19
~Psalm 108:4
Today, I attacked the big dark hole that only a handful of people in my life have even been allowed to see since Rich left this world...the office. I am embarrassed to admit it, but I have honestly not cleaned that little room off of my bedroom for almost two years! Little by little I was able to go on with every part of my life, but this was Rich's room...everything about it breathed him.
He surprised me when I was away on a trip to N. Carolina visiting my sister. I came home to a big hole in my bedroom wall and an unfinished area that used to be an attic above the garage that he said was our new office. He was so excited and proud of the fact he was going to take on this project that I couldn't be mad...but oh my, what an undertaking it was! The thing I loved (and honestly sometimes annoyed me greatly) about Rich was that he always thought he could do things himself and if he didn't know how, he would learn. Well, the room DID get finished. (I believe it took about four years, but who was counting?!) :-) We both learned a lot and though it could still use a lot of work (like the doorway that still needs to be framed, etc.) but it was HIS and he was proud of it. I surprised him one day while he was at work when I was VERY pregnant and decided to not sub that day by decorating the room with everything he loved. I hung the Texas flag in the corner and filled the walls and bookshelves with his special things. He was a very eclectic guy loving everything from fishing to golf. He loved history and learning and had a passion for people. He was a city boy and yet a cowboy at heart and had notebooks full of everything from songbooks for guitar playing to research on cows to his crazy Henry Hoch letters. (long story, you'll have to ask) He loved all athletics and pretty much was INTO whatever sport was in season, playing and coaching and watching. So, anyway, this room was his and reflected him...the recliner in the corner for his down time, the computer, movies, and books and more books. And then, of course, there was the corner full of Ebay stuff. Let's just say he had a bit of an addiction selling and buying on Ebay. It was actually quite profitable, but could become a bit ridiculous at times. To make this point a little more clear, my mailman actually wrote me a card when Rich died because we were on a first name basis due to us getting so many packages. I write all of this to share the impact of how stepping into this room has been hard for me. Yet, I did it day in and day out to check my email, work on paperwork, relax in the recliner with a good book of my own, and at the beginning just sit and cry, no let's be honest, sob!
The thing that is so amazing about it all is that this room has carried SO many emotions and yet today, I woke up feeling that it was time! Not a doubt in my mind...just peace. By afternoon, I was able to begin actually working on it due to a few other errands and needs that had to be met that day first. As I began to go through the piles (and yes, there were some BIG piles) of books, paperwork, pictures, etc, it was so encouraging. I honestly can't believe I am admitting to anyone that I had a room that was so messy in my life, but it was just too overwhelming emotionally before to even want to do anything about it. I would often walk in there with blinders on and walk right back out. Other times I would go in and just soak it in and cry. Other times I would go in there and be so ashamed, I would just leave feeling guilty that I had this in my life.
Well, as I went through things today, I was amazed at how much God has truly healed my heart and how much I have learned over the past couple of years about myself and even more importantly, my God. As I ran across things and pictures so many memories flooded my mind. I found myself laughing at things that I know would have annoyed me many years ago. How trivial things seem in hindsight. I prayed immediately that if God ever granted me the privilege of being a wife again, I would never forget this and that I would embrace everything that made my husband different than myself...how He uses that to make us more complete!! I often found myself giggling at quirky things I would find that belonged to Rich and know at one time I would have been a little frustrated at the many Ebay items he had purchased or the latest hobby he had decided to get into, but now I just appreciate that he really knew how to live life to the fullest and enjoyed every part of it! I found CDs full of collections of favorite songs and I have enjoyed listening to them throughout the evening as I sorted through things.
THEN, I came across the pile of things I had made...everything from death certificates to many many to-do lists. I was blown away by all that I had actually accomplished the weeks after his death and know that only with God's strength and SO many people pouring their lives into me was I able to get through it all. The strange part about it all is that even this pile did not bring me tears, but instead was encouraging to me as I can remember the feelings I experienced two years ago in August...the feeling of knowing what it could possibly be like to die of a broken heart, feeling so hurt that I could not even put it into words, but just cry myself to sleep night after night and hope that maybe I would just wake up in the arms of Jesus, the feeling of such desperation that I would literally read book after book of the Bible just so I could fill my mind with truth and hope and though I could not sleep much, still feeling rested and full of hope every morning...knowing that God WOULD carry me through one more day and that I could be strong to love on my son and show him God's love. And there are the pile of books on grief...wow! I think I have a whole library now just of those! Yet, I read every one and some of them more than once. I came across notes and the many many verses I posted all over my office and bathroom mirror as reminders of TRUTH and God's promises. I am still overwhelmed by how God used so many people and is STILL using people in my life to carry me forward. It is encouraging to me that going through some of Rich's most intimate things brought not sadness, but a smile to my face and made me think he DID live a full life. So many people think his life was cut short, and yet, I think he lived a fuller life in his 30 years than many do in 100 years. I can see his place in my life as such a blessing and lessons learned from having him as a part of my life. Thank you, Lord!
*Though I am not done with the office, a HUGE dent has been made and I am looking forward to making it my own personal space soon...a place where I can go as my sweet retreat from the busyness of life!
"I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." ~Eph. 3:17-19
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
An effort to praise YOU
Today would have been the day I celebrated NINE years of marriage to Rich Heyroth. I woke up WIDE awake at five am with my mind going full speed ahead. Strangely, and yet not really, I feel a lot of peace. I know that is God just reminding me that I can trust Him that today is going to be a good day, in spite of my missing person that should be laying beside me in my bed this morning. As I am sitting here listening to the rain, I am reminded of some lyrics from a group I used to listen to way back in college, Watermark...
I wish I could roll like the thunder, to leave the earth below in wonder
In effort to praise You
I wish I could fall like the summer rain and every drop would sing Your name
In effort to praise You
In effort to praise You
But I'm such a limited creature
And my words can only paint so many pictures
But somewhere I'm sure I read that I am treasured over all creation
So I know that I must try
Gloria, glory in the highest
Forever I will hide myself in Thee
Oh, gloria
Glory in the highest
Forever I will hide myself in Thee
So, I WILL try to praise Him with all that I am and all that is within me because I still have SO much to praise Him for each and every day!
Thank you, Lord, for the seven years of marriage I WAS given and all that you taught me about love and our limited view of what it means to love someone unconditionally truly means. Though I may have only been given seven years of marriage with an incredible man, I would have rather had seven than none at all. Thank you for using Rich in my life to draw me closer to you and helping me see that it is truly only YOU that can fill me up completely and no human will ever meet that need. Thanks for the bonus love I DID receive from him and the many many ways he spoiled me and taught me not to be so legalistic with my relationship with YOU...reminding me often that he, like you, loved me because of WHO I was and not what I did. Thank you for teaching me to trust you more and more each day with every detail of my life. Lord you ARE glorious!! You are bigger and more majestic than I could ever imagine and I truly want to fall flat on my face when I think of coming before you. And yet, also, every ounce within me wants to get up and shout and dance and sing to you because You ARE an awesome God and I love you with every piece of my heart!!
Gloria!!
I wish I could roll like the thunder, to leave the earth below in wonder
In effort to praise You
I wish I could fall like the summer rain and every drop would sing Your name
In effort to praise You
In effort to praise You
But I'm such a limited creature
And my words can only paint so many pictures
But somewhere I'm sure I read that I am treasured over all creation
So I know that I must try
Gloria, glory in the highest
Forever I will hide myself in Thee
Oh, gloria
Glory in the highest
Forever I will hide myself in Thee
So, I WILL try to praise Him with all that I am and all that is within me because I still have SO much to praise Him for each and every day!
Thank you, Lord, for the seven years of marriage I WAS given and all that you taught me about love and our limited view of what it means to love someone unconditionally truly means. Though I may have only been given seven years of marriage with an incredible man, I would have rather had seven than none at all. Thank you for using Rich in my life to draw me closer to you and helping me see that it is truly only YOU that can fill me up completely and no human will ever meet that need. Thanks for the bonus love I DID receive from him and the many many ways he spoiled me and taught me not to be so legalistic with my relationship with YOU...reminding me often that he, like you, loved me because of WHO I was and not what I did. Thank you for teaching me to trust you more and more each day with every detail of my life. Lord you ARE glorious!! You are bigger and more majestic than I could ever imagine and I truly want to fall flat on my face when I think of coming before you. And yet, also, every ounce within me wants to get up and shout and dance and sing to you because You ARE an awesome God and I love you with every piece of my heart!!
Gloria!!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
A Love Letter from God!
Yesterday was a good day, but ended on a sad note. So...I started off this morning diving into TRUTH. God led me straight to Phil. 4:8 and I began to immediately pray that I would be able to focus on truth today and be encouraged by what God had in store for me TODAY...not tomorrow or the next day, but just focus on today.
Amazingly, I got to church and the whole message was ALSO over the Phil. 4:8...hmmm..think God was telling me something?! :-) It was a great and encouraging message that reminded me of the importance of what I take IN will also be reflected on what comes out, not only in my lifestyle, but in my thoughts. I must be SO intentional about taking every thought captive that is not from HIM. I am beginning to realize how sneaky those little lies are and how subtly they come on and then bring me down. My life here on earth is ALWAYS going to be filled with challenges and struggles, but really in the grand scheme of eternity, it is SO short-lived. I want to make EVERY effort to glorify God with my life AND thoughts and believe in HIS truths for my life so that I may be more effective in reflecting HIM with my life. What JOY I experience when I allow Him to work through me this way too!!
As I was preparing for bed tonight, I was reading through Psalm 116. I enjoyed it so much, I was wondering if there were any songs written using lyrics from this chapter. So, I got on Youtube and found a couple. They were ok, but then I stumbled across THIS video about God's love for me FILLED with scripture (TRUTH). It was so encouraging!! I want to copy each verse and fill my bathroom mirror with them all. :-) It made me think about the video I watched last night and how silly it was that it made me so sad...I don't need to write a letter to Rich anymore...He is SO taken care of and LOVING being in the very presence of God!! I never DID get to say good-bye. So, this week, I am going to write one last letter and say my good-byes. It is time to officially let him go...although he will ALWAYS be a part of me, he is no longer a part of my everyday life. I will continue to be forever grateful for the place he had in my life and the way God used him to teach me SO much about Himself. I will continue to love his family and want Ethan to grow up knowing about him and knowing he was SO loved by him. I know there may still be passing memories and even a tear shed here and there throughout my life, but God is not a God of mistakes. He KNEW from the moment He created me, THIS would be my life! And, honestly, even with all of the hurt and pain that comes with life here on earth, I am SO thankful for the life that I have and the plan that God has for me...as long as I allow Him to USE it in my life to draw me closer to Him!! Whatever it takes, God...draw me close to YOU!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggGwDrxrC2k&feature=related
Amazingly, I got to church and the whole message was ALSO over the Phil. 4:8...hmmm..think God was telling me something?! :-) It was a great and encouraging message that reminded me of the importance of what I take IN will also be reflected on what comes out, not only in my lifestyle, but in my thoughts. I must be SO intentional about taking every thought captive that is not from HIM. I am beginning to realize how sneaky those little lies are and how subtly they come on and then bring me down. My life here on earth is ALWAYS going to be filled with challenges and struggles, but really in the grand scheme of eternity, it is SO short-lived. I want to make EVERY effort to glorify God with my life AND thoughts and believe in HIS truths for my life so that I may be more effective in reflecting HIM with my life. What JOY I experience when I allow Him to work through me this way too!!
As I was preparing for bed tonight, I was reading through Psalm 116. I enjoyed it so much, I was wondering if there were any songs written using lyrics from this chapter. So, I got on Youtube and found a couple. They were ok, but then I stumbled across THIS video about God's love for me FILLED with scripture (TRUTH). It was so encouraging!! I want to copy each verse and fill my bathroom mirror with them all. :-) It made me think about the video I watched last night and how silly it was that it made me so sad...I don't need to write a letter to Rich anymore...He is SO taken care of and LOVING being in the very presence of God!! I never DID get to say good-bye. So, this week, I am going to write one last letter and say my good-byes. It is time to officially let him go...although he will ALWAYS be a part of me, he is no longer a part of my everyday life. I will continue to be forever grateful for the place he had in my life and the way God used him to teach me SO much about Himself. I will continue to love his family and want Ethan to grow up knowing about him and knowing he was SO loved by him. I know there may still be passing memories and even a tear shed here and there throughout my life, but God is not a God of mistakes. He KNEW from the moment He created me, THIS would be my life! And, honestly, even with all of the hurt and pain that comes with life here on earth, I am SO thankful for the life that I have and the plan that God has for me...as long as I allow Him to USE it in my life to draw me closer to Him!! Whatever it takes, God...draw me close to YOU!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggGwDrxrC2k&feature=related
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Wedding Season Begins...
Well, another season has begun...Wedding season. I work as a wedding liaison for my church and so I am not only attending the many weddings of friends and relatives, but also working those of many others that I am getting to know through the process of my job. Weddings are such a happy time and for the most part I just LOVE this time of year and celebrating with all those around me as they commit their life to another individual for the "rest of their lives". To love someone enough to WANT to spend their whole life on earth with that person is something that I DO understand...it is AMAZING to experience just a touch of what unconditional love is in your life and to learn how to return that love unconditionally as well. For humans, it takes a lot of work and commitment, but oh the reward is so amazing!! It was through my seven years of marriage to Rich that I think I first had a real and tangible understanding of God's love for me. My parents loved me unconditionally, but I was too focused on myself and immature to really grasp the depth of the meaning of it all until I was an adult. It was through my marriage that I started to really understand the idea of being the bride of Christ. Wow...how amazing that HE is truly my first husband who loves me perfectly in every way!! He can meet every need and desire that no human could ever even begin to fill in my life.
Yet, even with this knowledge and SO desperately seeking after God to FILL that need in my life, I DO still miss the tangible love of having Rich in my life. As I attended a wedding today of my friend Sarah, I could see so much of me in her and so much of Rich in her NOW husband, Erik. As they said their vows, a bit of me found myself getting a bit choked up and thinking, "Don't let a tear fall because you know it won't be just one!" As they committed to love each other until "death do us part", I just breathed in deeply and said a quick prayer for them that they would only experience that at an old age or that Christ would return so they would never experience it at all. I remember saying those words and thinking how sweet it would be to grow old with dear Rich and to watch our children grow up and to even enjoy grandchildren together. Honestly, it never really crossed my mind that life would turn out this way.
God is CONTINUING to teach me to trust Him through it all and most days I feel very confident in His plan for my life and even excited about what is to come!! But, if I am completely honest, there ARE still days that I have to fight off the lies of my future being pretty bleak and lonely and hopeless. I STILL miss him after almost two years...TWO years it will be this summer since I lost him. Honestly, I think there will always be a part of me that misses him. As I heard this song tonight I was blown away by how it just brought me to tears...thinking, "If only I could just talk to him ONE more time. I didn't even get to say good-bye!!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OiVjaOQ23xQ
Yet, even with this knowledge and SO desperately seeking after God to FILL that need in my life, I DO still miss the tangible love of having Rich in my life. As I attended a wedding today of my friend Sarah, I could see so much of me in her and so much of Rich in her NOW husband, Erik. As they said their vows, a bit of me found myself getting a bit choked up and thinking, "Don't let a tear fall because you know it won't be just one!" As they committed to love each other until "death do us part", I just breathed in deeply and said a quick prayer for them that they would only experience that at an old age or that Christ would return so they would never experience it at all. I remember saying those words and thinking how sweet it would be to grow old with dear Rich and to watch our children grow up and to even enjoy grandchildren together. Honestly, it never really crossed my mind that life would turn out this way.
God is CONTINUING to teach me to trust Him through it all and most days I feel very confident in His plan for my life and even excited about what is to come!! But, if I am completely honest, there ARE still days that I have to fight off the lies of my future being pretty bleak and lonely and hopeless. I STILL miss him after almost two years...TWO years it will be this summer since I lost him. Honestly, I think there will always be a part of me that misses him. As I heard this song tonight I was blown away by how it just brought me to tears...thinking, "If only I could just talk to him ONE more time. I didn't even get to say good-bye!!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OiVjaOQ23xQ
Friday, May 15, 2009
May, Motherhood, and Memories
Wow...May is just a busy month, period! It is also full of times that are flooded with memories. From May 1st (May Day) to the end of the month (Memorial Day weekend) it is packed full of traditions and family time for me.
Beginning with May Day, Rich always brought home a bouquet of beautiful flowers for me telling me he was celebrating our last month of school before our summer together would begin. Even though he always worked throughout the summers, it was a time of a lot of fun together. As we move further into the month, there is Mother's Day. This is a holiday I was only able to celebrate twice with Rich...but how LOVED he made me feel. He always made me feel like being a mother was the hardest and most admired job. Then there was the precious day that our miracle son was born...May 19th. Although the doctors had finally said, "It is time to look into adoption" God miraculously made it happen!! I have never seen a prouder father as he held Ethan for the first time and every time after! Following his birthday, we always would take a family trip to Texas with the Heyroths for Memorial Day weekend. In between all of that there was also the busyness of wrapping up the school year, my mom's birthday, our own Mothers to celebrate, high school graduation and parties, soccer season ending hopefully by going to state, and almost always at least one wedding to top it all off. May was a month full of celebration and craziness! It continues to be both, but along with the fun times, my mind is flooded with all of the memories.
This has been a bit of an emotional month for me dealing with so much. One of the hardest things was going back up to Shawnee Heights to present three memorial scholarships in honor of Rich. Walking into the building and facing the staff, the parents, and students almost felt surreal. As I walked onto stage and presented those scholarships, I had a smile on my face, but my heart was aching inside. I could feel myself entering into the emotional detachment phase because I knew if I really allowed myself to feel, the tears may begin to fall. This is never good for me because it is often like a dam being released and they just keep coming and I knew I didn't have any kleenex and was not even waterproof mascara that night! :-) Yet, after I presented them, there was a huge relief that I felt, even a moment of just feeling proud of who he was and that I was able to called his wife...what an honor, even if for just a short time. I actually enjoyed greeting the students after it was done. (Though earlier, I had considered darting out of there after I presented so I didn't have to talk to anyone!) I was able to reconnect with a few and was SO thankful that I did. I think they needed it even more than I did. I'm hoping it is a testimony to others that I can carry on (not with perfection) but with hope because of HIM!! I often get a chance to share how I am doing and I can only honestly tell people I am doing okay because of God!
As I prepare to celebrate my baby's THIRD birthday tomorrow, I can't help but ache a little still that his father can not be with us. Some of the last pictures I have of them together are at his FIRST birthday party. It is unbelievable to me how much he has changed and, even without his daddy here, has miraculously taken on so many of his character traits and definitely his looks. I keep thinking I am over the emotional toll of it all, and yet as I sit here and type the tears are beginning to pour down my cheeks. My Lord has been SO faithful, SO loving, and taken SUCH good care of us...yet, that doesn't really make the pain disappear. It still exists and it still hurts. Thankfully, it is not an everyday experience anymore and I can see SO much healing in my life. Yet, I am beginning to think (and accept) that in THIS life on THIS earth, it will always exist a bit for me and there will always be some tears from time to time. I am so blessed to have a God that loves me enough to see me through these times and to continue to give me hope for what is to come!!
God continues to bless me and give me the strength to carry forward. He has given me such an amazing season of my life...the ability to stay home with my son and work odd jobs here and there to pay the bills. I am probably one of millions of single moms that ever have the privilege to do this. Because of this, I feel like I have been given more of a chance to deal with my grief in a healthy way and through a process without being rushed or pushing it aside as if it never happened. I have also had the chance to invest deeply in my son's life and to not take one day for granted with him. I love it!! I'm even pursuing a missions trip to Central Asia in the fall because I have the freedom to do something like that, and so I want so badly to give of my life and to share with others that there IS hope even after great loss. I'm not sure what my future holds, but I am beginning to make some "plans" but holding those loosely in the palm of my hand as I trust God with each step of the way. I will never again make a PLAN for my life and not be praying over it or think of it as my right or a guarantee. I am planning to go back to school and complete my RN. I'm so looking forward to pursuing this dream and can see SO many ways that I can use it in my future...not only to support myself and my son, but also to serve others and possibly even use overseas in missions someday.
So, even though there are still some hard and even tearful times in my life, I am confident that God will use even those to draw me closer to Him. I want to "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say, Rejoice!" because I know that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" (Phil. 4:4 & 13)
**Thank you for anyone who reads this that continues to pray for us. Your prayers are SO appreciated and although I am sure some have almost forgotten this has even taken place in my life, it is still so very real every day for me.
Lyrics sent to me just tonight as I was typing this new blog entry (Thanks, Dad!)
When Life Gets Broken
Hands reaching out
No one to hold
You've been abandoned
With no place to go
Wounded and wanting
Such desperate times
Cold bitter tears are filling your eyes
(Pre-Chorus)
Get a glimpse of Jesus
For He is right there with you
He knows just what you need
Chorus
When life gets broken
And you're in despair
He'll carry your burden
When it's too much to bear
It's down in the valley
Where He'll give you strength
And there is nothing you have lost
That He can't replace
He'll help you start all over again
When life gets broken
Beginning with May Day, Rich always brought home a bouquet of beautiful flowers for me telling me he was celebrating our last month of school before our summer together would begin. Even though he always worked throughout the summers, it was a time of a lot of fun together. As we move further into the month, there is Mother's Day. This is a holiday I was only able to celebrate twice with Rich...but how LOVED he made me feel. He always made me feel like being a mother was the hardest and most admired job. Then there was the precious day that our miracle son was born...May 19th. Although the doctors had finally said, "It is time to look into adoption" God miraculously made it happen!! I have never seen a prouder father as he held Ethan for the first time and every time after! Following his birthday, we always would take a family trip to Texas with the Heyroths for Memorial Day weekend. In between all of that there was also the busyness of wrapping up the school year, my mom's birthday, our own Mothers to celebrate, high school graduation and parties, soccer season ending hopefully by going to state, and almost always at least one wedding to top it all off. May was a month full of celebration and craziness! It continues to be both, but along with the fun times, my mind is flooded with all of the memories.
This has been a bit of an emotional month for me dealing with so much. One of the hardest things was going back up to Shawnee Heights to present three memorial scholarships in honor of Rich. Walking into the building and facing the staff, the parents, and students almost felt surreal. As I walked onto stage and presented those scholarships, I had a smile on my face, but my heart was aching inside. I could feel myself entering into the emotional detachment phase because I knew if I really allowed myself to feel, the tears may begin to fall. This is never good for me because it is often like a dam being released and they just keep coming and I knew I didn't have any kleenex and was not even waterproof mascara that night! :-) Yet, after I presented them, there was a huge relief that I felt, even a moment of just feeling proud of who he was and that I was able to called his wife...what an honor, even if for just a short time. I actually enjoyed greeting the students after it was done. (Though earlier, I had considered darting out of there after I presented so I didn't have to talk to anyone!) I was able to reconnect with a few and was SO thankful that I did. I think they needed it even more than I did. I'm hoping it is a testimony to others that I can carry on (not with perfection) but with hope because of HIM!! I often get a chance to share how I am doing and I can only honestly tell people I am doing okay because of God!
As I prepare to celebrate my baby's THIRD birthday tomorrow, I can't help but ache a little still that his father can not be with us. Some of the last pictures I have of them together are at his FIRST birthday party. It is unbelievable to me how much he has changed and, even without his daddy here, has miraculously taken on so many of his character traits and definitely his looks. I keep thinking I am over the emotional toll of it all, and yet as I sit here and type the tears are beginning to pour down my cheeks. My Lord has been SO faithful, SO loving, and taken SUCH good care of us...yet, that doesn't really make the pain disappear. It still exists and it still hurts. Thankfully, it is not an everyday experience anymore and I can see SO much healing in my life. Yet, I am beginning to think (and accept) that in THIS life on THIS earth, it will always exist a bit for me and there will always be some tears from time to time. I am so blessed to have a God that loves me enough to see me through these times and to continue to give me hope for what is to come!!
God continues to bless me and give me the strength to carry forward. He has given me such an amazing season of my life...the ability to stay home with my son and work odd jobs here and there to pay the bills. I am probably one of millions of single moms that ever have the privilege to do this. Because of this, I feel like I have been given more of a chance to deal with my grief in a healthy way and through a process without being rushed or pushing it aside as if it never happened. I have also had the chance to invest deeply in my son's life and to not take one day for granted with him. I love it!! I'm even pursuing a missions trip to Central Asia in the fall because I have the freedom to do something like that, and so I want so badly to give of my life and to share with others that there IS hope even after great loss. I'm not sure what my future holds, but I am beginning to make some "plans" but holding those loosely in the palm of my hand as I trust God with each step of the way. I will never again make a PLAN for my life and not be praying over it or think of it as my right or a guarantee. I am planning to go back to school and complete my RN. I'm so looking forward to pursuing this dream and can see SO many ways that I can use it in my future...not only to support myself and my son, but also to serve others and possibly even use overseas in missions someday.
So, even though there are still some hard and even tearful times in my life, I am confident that God will use even those to draw me closer to Him. I want to "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say, Rejoice!" because I know that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" (Phil. 4:4 & 13)
**Thank you for anyone who reads this that continues to pray for us. Your prayers are SO appreciated and although I am sure some have almost forgotten this has even taken place in my life, it is still so very real every day for me.
Lyrics sent to me just tonight as I was typing this new blog entry (Thanks, Dad!)
When Life Gets Broken
Hands reaching out
No one to hold
You've been abandoned
With no place to go
Wounded and wanting
Such desperate times
Cold bitter tears are filling your eyes
(Pre-Chorus)
Get a glimpse of Jesus
For He is right there with you
He knows just what you need
Chorus
When life gets broken
And you're in despair
He'll carry your burden
When it's too much to bear
It's down in the valley
Where He'll give you strength
And there is nothing you have lost
That He can't replace
He'll help you start all over again
When life gets broken
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Continuing to Hope...
The Lord says, "Those who hope in me will not be disappointed." ~Isaiah 49:23
As I started out my morning with God, I stumbled upon this verse and was so encouraged! The past week of my life has been full of some hard decisions. Yet, God has continued to amaze me how He knows my every need and does NOT disappoint when I put my trust and hope in Him!! Last Thursday was an especially hard day, and yet once again, God took care of my every need and even reminded me He cared about the things that I don't really "need". As I was out walking with a friend at the lake sharing about my current struggles, a woman (I barely know!) walked by and said, "Elizabeth Heyroth! I prayed for you today. In fact, you are on my prayer list and I have been praying for you every day!" Wow--That was almost like God Himself reminding me that He cares! THEN, later that night, a couple friends of mine brought me a BEAUTIFUL bouquet of flowers "just because". I was literally just thinking how I missed getting flowers. Rich would spoil me rotten with them often and I just hate to spend the money on them for myself, so once again, God provides! Flowers are not even something I necessarily "need", but it was just a way of God showing me that He WILL fill that void in my life. When I have days of feeling like I live in such a "couples world" and I am all alone and missing out on that sweet companionship I so desire, HE takes care of it...sometimes with just His own presence, but often with people right here with skin on them to show me their love. What an amazing God we serve! I find that when I let go of trying to control my life and fill my own desires, HE does it for me and so much better too!
Parenting is still a challenge, but would be regardless if Rich were here or not! Ha! I do, however, SO long for times where I could just get a second opinion or just have someone else step in to be the one to say NO. There really is some power and influence in being a man in a little boys' eyes as well. It is amazing how Ethan will just dissolve at even a stern look from my dad. I AM so thankful that Ethan has Godly men through my dad and my father-in-law that he can look up to as he grows. We are still working through the no daddy factor as we age. Explaining Easter brought tears to my eyes as he wanted to know if daddy could come back to life just like Jesus. I said, "No, Daddy is not God." He said, "Then, will Jesus come live with us?" :-) I told him he already did! He was happy to hear that, but not quite convinced.
As we go through new challenging moments in parenting, I try to remember the sweet times so I can continue to patiently discipline through the rough times. Ethan is entering a new stage of wanting to do the exact opposite of EVERYTHING I say. I say, "yes" He says. "NO!" I turn right when driving and he says, "I wanted to go THAT way (pointing left!)" I say he needs to listen to me and he says, "I am the adult, you listen to ME!" It can be exhausting, but as I sit down to write about it tonight, it just makes me smile. I am SO thankful I have him in my life...all of the challenges just make ME rely more on God and OH the times I have probably said the same things to Him. I pray He would grant me with the same patience He has for me.
There have also been some pretty sweet moments that I treasure and wish I could just put life on pause as I enjoy my "bi-polar" child. (Not really, but WOW, he sure can turn it off and on!) At bedtime, he turns into the sweetest thing you would ever imagine. As we talk about our day and the best and worst thing that happened, he is always full of positives! It is such a reminder for me to view life through the eyes of a child. He often struggles to think of anything that was difficult that day. We then use these things to pray to God. He LOVES to pray for others too and often will thank God for almost everyone he knows. :-) Tonight, we went to the lake to watch the sun set (It was SO beautiful!!--I LOVE where I live!). As the pink spread across the lake, we were talking about all of the things around us that God made. Tonight, he looked very carefully across the water and pointed and said in a very excited voice, "I think I see God!" It was the sweetest moment. We DID see God in everything that surrounded us. It was really a precious time! Other things that make me laugh and stand in awe of God are when I see Rich SO much in Ethan. His looks, his mannerisms, and even his sense of humor. A few days ago, I heard him giggling and I went to find him and he was kind of sliding/rolling down the stairs. I asked him what he was doing and he said, "I am pretend falling down the stairs, mommy! It is fun! Real falling is not, but THIS is!" I could not believe my ears...seriously?! He has amazing little ears and may have picked up on a conversation about his daddy falling down the stairs for a laugh, but I am not sure. I just stood there and thought, I wonder if he is going to start snorting Jello next?! ;-)
As I continue to move forward in life, I WILL hold onto hope as I trust God with my life and especially Ethan's life. I KNOW He has good plans for us and I am excited to watch our lives unfold before me. I feel like I am FINALLY getting my identity back. It was seriously like my life had just been ripped away and I was left standing there with a baby in tow wondering, "What do I do now, God?!" I was fortunate enough to have studied a lot on finding my significance in God before all of this happened, but this was a HUGE test in that area. As a woman AND a people pleaser, this has never been an easy thing for me to completely grasp. But, I am thankful that God has not and will NEVER give up on me! And on the days that I think I just can't bare this pain anymore, I remember that this life is really just the wink of an eye compared to eternity. So, I will press on!! God is making everything new!
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ~Phil. 3:12
As I started out my morning with God, I stumbled upon this verse and was so encouraged! The past week of my life has been full of some hard decisions. Yet, God has continued to amaze me how He knows my every need and does NOT disappoint when I put my trust and hope in Him!! Last Thursday was an especially hard day, and yet once again, God took care of my every need and even reminded me He cared about the things that I don't really "need". As I was out walking with a friend at the lake sharing about my current struggles, a woman (I barely know!) walked by and said, "Elizabeth Heyroth! I prayed for you today. In fact, you are on my prayer list and I have been praying for you every day!" Wow--That was almost like God Himself reminding me that He cares! THEN, later that night, a couple friends of mine brought me a BEAUTIFUL bouquet of flowers "just because". I was literally just thinking how I missed getting flowers. Rich would spoil me rotten with them often and I just hate to spend the money on them for myself, so once again, God provides! Flowers are not even something I necessarily "need", but it was just a way of God showing me that He WILL fill that void in my life. When I have days of feeling like I live in such a "couples world" and I am all alone and missing out on that sweet companionship I so desire, HE takes care of it...sometimes with just His own presence, but often with people right here with skin on them to show me their love. What an amazing God we serve! I find that when I let go of trying to control my life and fill my own desires, HE does it for me and so much better too!
Parenting is still a challenge, but would be regardless if Rich were here or not! Ha! I do, however, SO long for times where I could just get a second opinion or just have someone else step in to be the one to say NO. There really is some power and influence in being a man in a little boys' eyes as well. It is amazing how Ethan will just dissolve at even a stern look from my dad. I AM so thankful that Ethan has Godly men through my dad and my father-in-law that he can look up to as he grows. We are still working through the no daddy factor as we age. Explaining Easter brought tears to my eyes as he wanted to know if daddy could come back to life just like Jesus. I said, "No, Daddy is not God." He said, "Then, will Jesus come live with us?" :-) I told him he already did! He was happy to hear that, but not quite convinced.
As we go through new challenging moments in parenting, I try to remember the sweet times so I can continue to patiently discipline through the rough times. Ethan is entering a new stage of wanting to do the exact opposite of EVERYTHING I say. I say, "yes" He says. "NO!" I turn right when driving and he says, "I wanted to go THAT way (pointing left!)" I say he needs to listen to me and he says, "I am the adult, you listen to ME!" It can be exhausting, but as I sit down to write about it tonight, it just makes me smile. I am SO thankful I have him in my life...all of the challenges just make ME rely more on God and OH the times I have probably said the same things to Him. I pray He would grant me with the same patience He has for me.
There have also been some pretty sweet moments that I treasure and wish I could just put life on pause as I enjoy my "bi-polar" child. (Not really, but WOW, he sure can turn it off and on!) At bedtime, he turns into the sweetest thing you would ever imagine. As we talk about our day and the best and worst thing that happened, he is always full of positives! It is such a reminder for me to view life through the eyes of a child. He often struggles to think of anything that was difficult that day. We then use these things to pray to God. He LOVES to pray for others too and often will thank God for almost everyone he knows. :-) Tonight, we went to the lake to watch the sun set (It was SO beautiful!!--I LOVE where I live!). As the pink spread across the lake, we were talking about all of the things around us that God made. Tonight, he looked very carefully across the water and pointed and said in a very excited voice, "I think I see God!" It was the sweetest moment. We DID see God in everything that surrounded us. It was really a precious time! Other things that make me laugh and stand in awe of God are when I see Rich SO much in Ethan. His looks, his mannerisms, and even his sense of humor. A few days ago, I heard him giggling and I went to find him and he was kind of sliding/rolling down the stairs. I asked him what he was doing and he said, "I am pretend falling down the stairs, mommy! It is fun! Real falling is not, but THIS is!" I could not believe my ears...seriously?! He has amazing little ears and may have picked up on a conversation about his daddy falling down the stairs for a laugh, but I am not sure. I just stood there and thought, I wonder if he is going to start snorting Jello next?! ;-)
As I continue to move forward in life, I WILL hold onto hope as I trust God with my life and especially Ethan's life. I KNOW He has good plans for us and I am excited to watch our lives unfold before me. I feel like I am FINALLY getting my identity back. It was seriously like my life had just been ripped away and I was left standing there with a baby in tow wondering, "What do I do now, God?!" I was fortunate enough to have studied a lot on finding my significance in God before all of this happened, but this was a HUGE test in that area. As a woman AND a people pleaser, this has never been an easy thing for me to completely grasp. But, I am thankful that God has not and will NEVER give up on me! And on the days that I think I just can't bare this pain anymore, I remember that this life is really just the wink of an eye compared to eternity. So, I will press on!! God is making everything new!
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ~Phil. 3:12
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Where to Begin?!!
Honestly, there is NO way I can cover the ups and downs of the past 10 weeks of my life in one short blog entry. I went through Valentine's Day, the beginning of a new season (Spring), and what would have been Rich's 32nd birthday. A second year without him. There were SO many other events that took place during this time too, and to be perfectly honest, I have not handled them all the way I would have liked. Overall, I have learned that I MUST stay so close to Christ and the people He has placed in my life that are seeking after Him. I have learned that I am so vulnerable to the ways of this world and that it is so easy and tempting to use anything but Christ to fill the void in my life that can ONLY be filled with HIM. I know that my identity is not in my loss of Rich, and that Christ has so much more ahead of me in this life, but it has been a real struggle lately to know that in my heart and not just my head. If I am completely honest, I can say that I am tired of talking about it. I am tired of being asked to speak about it, share about it, etc, etc, etc. There is MORE to me than that. Yet, I also know that God is STILL using my story and Rich's death to touch and reach others and that it is really never going away and will always be a part of me. God used that man in my life to teach me SO much about HIS character. He used our marriage to teach me what it means to really experience unconditional love and the work that it takes to make a relationship not only work, but succeed! For that, I will be forever thankful!!
I recently read a letter from Rich that he wrote to me when he presented me with a new guitar for an anniversary present. It was such a good reminder to me that I need to continue to work on and tweak my relationship with Christ just as I did in marriage. It is SO easy to get lazy. I never thought I would get to the point where I could go a day without being in the Word...it had truly become my source of life. But, somehow, it slowly slipped away and I began to fill my time and energy with being a mom, work, planning a future, people, housework, talking on the phone, getting on Facebook...anything BUT what I needed to be doing...spending time with the 1st love of my life! Rich gave me this letter during a kind of rough patch in our marriage when we were dealing with some hard issues. We were definitely past the "honeymoon stage" and had entered into the "this is for life and I don't always like you stage". If you are married, you know what I mean! :-)
To my Precious Elizabeth Ann:
I have let you know a little bit, but never completely, something that really made me sad, a little more than I let on. The day our apartment was broken into and my guitar was taken, I was pretty upset. I felt very grateful and blessed that you were not there when it happened, and that nothing was taken that could not be easily replaced. They were just "things" and could all be replaced. However, I was a little upset, as I have said, that my guitar was taken. The guitar was obviously very special to me. The reason for that is because I worked with it for a long time, and did things to make it just right. It had a great sound and was fun to play...it was perfect for me, but only after a lot of work. If I hadn't played it constantly, worked with it, tuned, tweaked, and repaired it wouldn't have sounded the way I wanted it to. And it was always getting better...had it not gotten stolen, I would have still been working with it. Bear with me as I write this; I write it in hopes that you will understand something and feel better about it after when I finish my thoughts....
I got you this guitar- originally as a 2nd anniversary gift, but it seemed appropriate to give it to you now- because I thought it was sort of symbolic of my relationship with you. Believe me...I am not comparing you or us to a guitar, other than one thing. You've probably been faced with this one question before, as I CONSTANTLY am: "What is the one best thing about married life?" To me, that is an incredibly hard question to answer, because there are so many wonderful things about being married to you... I won't even go into it right now or the list would be too long. I have decided that the single best thing about being married to you, Elizabeth Ann Heyroth, is that it keeps getting better. I have always been deeply in love with you, and it has always been an honor and pleasure to by your boyfriend, your best friend, and your husband. But, it has NEVER ONCE stopped getting better. It is like the guitar, in a way. It was wonderful when I first got it, but I kept making it better by taking time with it, playing with it, and investing time and effort into it. I feel the same way about you; obviously there are times when you and I get frustrated with each other, but the wonderful thing about that is that no matter how frustrated or angry or hurt we get 1) We love each other and it will always be okay in the end and 2) the investment of time, work, feelings, and emotions will continue to make our marriage better. Obviously there are some things we need to work on and refine, but with prayer and just working at it, God will bring us closer to one another and to Him.
The guitar was pretty special to me, not because it was given to me by anyone special, or because I am a huge music fanatic, but because I could invest time and effort into it and make something beautiful with it (which is why I generally choose to worship with it...) But, YOU and our marriage are EXTREMELY precious to me....and partly for the very same reason. I have enjoyed nothing better than growing with you, and growing closer to you. I know that it is not easy sometimes, and sometimes it even sucks. :-) But, I also know that our relationship is growing better even in spite of (and due to) some of these hard times. Elizabeth, I have not stopped falling in love with you since the day I first did; I fall in love with you again and again, day after day. Our marriage and my wife are extremely beautiful to me; even when you are not happy, or we are upset with each other, I love you and I love being married to you. And I know that it will continue to get better and better.
Elizabeth, I don't know if any of that made any sense; I KNOW it didn't come close to letting you know how precious you are to me. But what I DO want is for this guitar to symbolize that our marriage is something beautiful, and wonderful, and that it will only get better with time and investment. May we both use our marriage and our guitars to glorify our Lord. I love you, Elizabeth; more than the day I met you, more than the day I married you.
I have included this letter in my blog for a couple of reasons....first of all as a reminder to ME that my relationship with Christ is much like marriage. It takes time and work, but it just keeps getting better and better and is worth all of the time and effort put into it. I SO want to reflect Christ with every part of my life and want to draw others closer to Him, but I realize this is only possible when I am in close communion with Him. I am learning that my relationship with Christ really has little to do with circumstances and everything to do with communing with Him. I want to take everything to Him and faithfully follow Him, no matter what difficulties come my way. I read something today that was good for me to hear, The goodness of God is available, but He does not force-feed you." So, time to get back to truly nurturing my relationship with Him!
Secondly, I so desperately desire for Ethan to grow into a Godly man that pursues Christ in every area of his life. I know I have a huge responsibility to model this for him with my own life. It is still a struggle of mine to know that he is growing up without an earthly father in his life. Rich was such a great example of what it means to love the Lord, people and how to truly love, honor, and respect a wife or any woman for that matter. I pray that God will continue to fill that void in Ethan's life as well. Hopefully he can read some of the things his father wrote to me and SEE and experience what an amazing legacy he has to follow.
Soooo...time to press on in this race of life...
"I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus!" ~Phil 3:13-14
I recently read a letter from Rich that he wrote to me when he presented me with a new guitar for an anniversary present. It was such a good reminder to me that I need to continue to work on and tweak my relationship with Christ just as I did in marriage. It is SO easy to get lazy. I never thought I would get to the point where I could go a day without being in the Word...it had truly become my source of life. But, somehow, it slowly slipped away and I began to fill my time and energy with being a mom, work, planning a future, people, housework, talking on the phone, getting on Facebook...anything BUT what I needed to be doing...spending time with the 1st love of my life! Rich gave me this letter during a kind of rough patch in our marriage when we were dealing with some hard issues. We were definitely past the "honeymoon stage" and had entered into the "this is for life and I don't always like you stage". If you are married, you know what I mean! :-)
To my Precious Elizabeth Ann:
I have let you know a little bit, but never completely, something that really made me sad, a little more than I let on. The day our apartment was broken into and my guitar was taken, I was pretty upset. I felt very grateful and blessed that you were not there when it happened, and that nothing was taken that could not be easily replaced. They were just "things" and could all be replaced. However, I was a little upset, as I have said, that my guitar was taken. The guitar was obviously very special to me. The reason for that is because I worked with it for a long time, and did things to make it just right. It had a great sound and was fun to play...it was perfect for me, but only after a lot of work. If I hadn't played it constantly, worked with it, tuned, tweaked, and repaired it wouldn't have sounded the way I wanted it to. And it was always getting better...had it not gotten stolen, I would have still been working with it. Bear with me as I write this; I write it in hopes that you will understand something and feel better about it after when I finish my thoughts....
I got you this guitar- originally as a 2nd anniversary gift, but it seemed appropriate to give it to you now- because I thought it was sort of symbolic of my relationship with you. Believe me...I am not comparing you or us to a guitar, other than one thing. You've probably been faced with this one question before, as I CONSTANTLY am: "What is the one best thing about married life?" To me, that is an incredibly hard question to answer, because there are so many wonderful things about being married to you... I won't even go into it right now or the list would be too long. I have decided that the single best thing about being married to you, Elizabeth Ann Heyroth, is that it keeps getting better. I have always been deeply in love with you, and it has always been an honor and pleasure to by your boyfriend, your best friend, and your husband. But, it has NEVER ONCE stopped getting better. It is like the guitar, in a way. It was wonderful when I first got it, but I kept making it better by taking time with it, playing with it, and investing time and effort into it. I feel the same way about you; obviously there are times when you and I get frustrated with each other, but the wonderful thing about that is that no matter how frustrated or angry or hurt we get 1) We love each other and it will always be okay in the end and 2) the investment of time, work, feelings, and emotions will continue to make our marriage better. Obviously there are some things we need to work on and refine, but with prayer and just working at it, God will bring us closer to one another and to Him.
The guitar was pretty special to me, not because it was given to me by anyone special, or because I am a huge music fanatic, but because I could invest time and effort into it and make something beautiful with it (which is why I generally choose to worship with it...) But, YOU and our marriage are EXTREMELY precious to me....and partly for the very same reason. I have enjoyed nothing better than growing with you, and growing closer to you. I know that it is not easy sometimes, and sometimes it even sucks. :-) But, I also know that our relationship is growing better even in spite of (and due to) some of these hard times. Elizabeth, I have not stopped falling in love with you since the day I first did; I fall in love with you again and again, day after day. Our marriage and my wife are extremely beautiful to me; even when you are not happy, or we are upset with each other, I love you and I love being married to you. And I know that it will continue to get better and better.
Elizabeth, I don't know if any of that made any sense; I KNOW it didn't come close to letting you know how precious you are to me. But what I DO want is for this guitar to symbolize that our marriage is something beautiful, and wonderful, and that it will only get better with time and investment. May we both use our marriage and our guitars to glorify our Lord. I love you, Elizabeth; more than the day I met you, more than the day I married you.
I have included this letter in my blog for a couple of reasons....first of all as a reminder to ME that my relationship with Christ is much like marriage. It takes time and work, but it just keeps getting better and better and is worth all of the time and effort put into it. I SO want to reflect Christ with every part of my life and want to draw others closer to Him, but I realize this is only possible when I am in close communion with Him. I am learning that my relationship with Christ really has little to do with circumstances and everything to do with communing with Him. I want to take everything to Him and faithfully follow Him, no matter what difficulties come my way. I read something today that was good for me to hear, The goodness of God is available, but He does not force-feed you." So, time to get back to truly nurturing my relationship with Him!
Secondly, I so desperately desire for Ethan to grow into a Godly man that pursues Christ in every area of his life. I know I have a huge responsibility to model this for him with my own life. It is still a struggle of mine to know that he is growing up without an earthly father in his life. Rich was such a great example of what it means to love the Lord, people and how to truly love, honor, and respect a wife or any woman for that matter. I pray that God will continue to fill that void in Ethan's life as well. Hopefully he can read some of the things his father wrote to me and SEE and experience what an amazing legacy he has to follow.
Soooo...time to press on in this race of life...
"I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus!" ~Phil 3:13-14
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