The time has come...

"Great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies."
~Psalm 108:4

Today, I attacked the big dark hole that only a handful of people in my life have even been allowed to see since Rich left this world...the office. I am embarrassed to admit it, but I have honestly not cleaned that little room off of my bedroom for almost two years! Little by little I was able to go on with every part of my life, but this was Rich's room...everything about it breathed him.

He surprised me when I was away on a trip to N. Carolina visiting my sister. I came home to a big hole in my bedroom wall and an unfinished area that used to be an attic above the garage that he said was our new office. He was so excited and proud of the fact he was going to take on this project that I couldn't be mad...but oh my, what an undertaking it was! The thing I loved (and honestly sometimes annoyed me greatly) about Rich was that he always thought he could do things himself and if he didn't know how, he would learn. Well, the room DID get finished. (I believe it took about four years, but who was counting?!) :-) We both learned a lot and though it could still use a lot of work (like the doorway that still needs to be framed, etc.) but it was HIS and he was proud of it. I surprised him one day while he was at work when I was VERY pregnant and decided to not sub that day by decorating the room with everything he loved. I hung the Texas flag in the corner and filled the walls and bookshelves with his special things. He was a very eclectic guy loving everything from fishing to golf. He loved history and learning and had a passion for people. He was a city boy and yet a cowboy at heart and had notebooks full of everything from songbooks for guitar playing to research on cows to his crazy Henry Hoch letters. (long story, you'll have to ask) He loved all athletics and pretty much was INTO whatever sport was in season, playing and coaching and watching. So, anyway, this room was his and reflected him...the recliner in the corner for his down time, the computer, movies, and books and more books. And then, of course, there was the corner full of Ebay stuff. Let's just say he had a bit of an addiction selling and buying on Ebay. It was actually quite profitable, but could become a bit ridiculous at times. To make this point a little more clear, my mailman actually wrote me a card when Rich died because we were on a first name basis due to us getting so many packages. I write all of this to share the impact of how stepping into this room has been hard for me. Yet, I did it day in and day out to check my email, work on paperwork, relax in the recliner with a good book of my own, and at the beginning just sit and cry, no let's be honest, sob!

The thing that is so amazing about it all is that this room has carried SO many emotions and yet today, I woke up feeling that it was time! Not a doubt in my mind...just peace. By afternoon, I was able to begin actually working on it due to a few other errands and needs that had to be met that day first. As I began to go through the piles (and yes, there were some BIG piles) of books, paperwork, pictures, etc, it was so encouraging. I honestly can't believe I am admitting to anyone that I had a room that was so messy in my life, but it was just too overwhelming emotionally before to even want to do anything about it. I would often walk in there with blinders on and walk right back out. Other times I would go in and just soak it in and cry. Other times I would go in there and be so ashamed, I would just leave feeling guilty that I had this in my life.

Well, as I went through things today, I was amazed at how much God has truly healed my heart and how much I have learned over the past couple of years about myself and even more importantly, my God. As I ran across things and pictures so many memories flooded my mind. I found myself laughing at things that I know would have annoyed me many years ago. How trivial things seem in hindsight. I prayed immediately that if God ever granted me the privilege of being a wife again, I would never forget this and that I would embrace everything that made my husband different than myself...how He uses that to make us more complete!! I often found myself giggling at quirky things I would find that belonged to Rich and know at one time I would have been a little frustrated at the many Ebay items he had purchased or the latest hobby he had decided to get into, but now I just appreciate that he really knew how to live life to the fullest and enjoyed every part of it! I found CDs full of collections of favorite songs and I have enjoyed listening to them throughout the evening as I sorted through things.

THEN, I came across the pile of things I had made...everything from death certificates to many many to-do lists. I was blown away by all that I had actually accomplished the weeks after his death and know that only with God's strength and SO many people pouring their lives into me was I able to get through it all. The strange part about it all is that even this pile did not bring me tears, but instead was encouraging to me as I can remember the feelings I experienced two years ago in August...the feeling of knowing what it could possibly be like to die of a broken heart, feeling so hurt that I could not even put it into words, but just cry myself to sleep night after night and hope that maybe I would just wake up in the arms of Jesus, the feeling of such desperation that I would literally read book after book of the Bible just so I could fill my mind with truth and hope and though I could not sleep much, still feeling rested and full of hope every morning...knowing that God WOULD carry me through one more day and that I could be strong to love on my son and show him God's love. And there are the pile of books on grief...wow! I think I have a whole library now just of those! Yet, I read every one and some of them more than once. I came across notes and the many many verses I posted all over my office and bathroom mirror as reminders of TRUTH and God's promises. I am still overwhelmed by how God used so many people and is STILL using people in my life to carry me forward. It is encouraging to me that going through some of Rich's most intimate things brought not sadness, but a smile to my face and made me think he DID live a full life. So many people think his life was cut short, and yet, I think he lived a fuller life in his 30 years than many do in 100 years. I can see his place in my life as such a blessing and lessons learned from having him as a part of my life. Thank you, Lord!

*Though I am not done with the office, a HUGE dent has been made and I am looking forward to making it my own personal space soon...a place where I can go as my sweet retreat from the busyness of life!

"I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." ~Eph. 3:17-19