God's little reminders...

I'm SO happy we are finally on our way out of a very long winter. I am one of those people that is hugely affected by the amount of vitamin D in my life and has a great need for fresh air! Overall, this winter has been pretty good because at least we got a lot of snow which allowed for lots of outdoor play with distraction from the miserable cold! :-) Thanks to my gym membership I have been able to keep up with releasing the endorphins which also contributes to putting a smile of my face! But, most of all, I have SEEN and felt God work in ways in my life that have been so healing. I have new struggles, some I never thought I would face, but I can also see God using those to mold and shape me and teach me that life is NOT about me and that I am NOT as strong as I may think I am and that I can NOT do this thing called life alone! I must seek Him first and others for accountability and encouragement. Oh to ask for help...ugh! My all-time least favorite thing to do, but am also learning to put my pride aside from time to time and have been SO blessed by the response of my family and dear friends who seem to actually enjoy helping me! ;-) Love how God has surrounded me with people that I look forward to spending eternity with someday!!

Yet, there ARE still times when I am so caught off-guard by how the pain of my loss, my partner, and a real piece of me is SO great and still such a thorn in my side. As I sat at church on Sunday, I listened to our guest speaker talk about Holy Homes and the importance of the roll of a father/husband and I found myself actually getting up to leave as the tears started to fill my eyes. The last thing I wanted to do was start crying right there in church when here I am approaching the 3rd summer anniversary. Three years and I am STILL a mess. What would everyone think?! I know I shouldn't care what everyone else thinks, but it made me think that I must be doing something wrong. Am I just not trusting God enough?! I so want to move forward with my life. I WANT to be married again. There I said it. I have even started praying for God to bring someone into my (our) life. But I am faced with so many doubts. Who would want to marry a widow? I am beginning to make friends with so many new amazing beautiful young single women. Why would someone choose a widow AND someone who has a child (more responsibility) when you could start your life "fresh". I know these are lies, but they are played over and over in my head. So, then I go to the other extreme and just say, "I want to be single for the rest of my life!" Oh the battle of learning to be content RIGHT where God has me here and now! And, honestly, I still miss Rich. Just writing those words bring tears to my eyes. How can one person really deserve to be loved so well TWICE in this lifetime? I miss feeling like we have a "complete" family unit. I have a love/hate relationship with FB because I can hardly look at people's pictures anymore. It just makes me long for something I don't have. I would say I am basically content on a day to day basis until some marriage conference or family event rolls around and smacks me in the face with a big reminder that I don't belong in that category anymore.

Sooooo...what I am saying is that although I HAVE seen God do so so so SO much in my life and has brought (and will continue to bring me!) so far, I do still have a few struggles that I must turn over to Him again and again. I don't want to be consumed by these thoughts. I want to be consumed with Him! "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail." ~Lamentations 3:22

Today as I went for a run (OUTSIDE!!) I put on my iPod and tuned into all of the great worship songs that would fill my mind with truth. As I finished and was stretching, I was just telling God how much I needed Him to remind me that He loved me and that I was not alone in this journey. As I leaned over to stretch, there under the picnic table was a rock shaped just like a heart! I know this probably sounds cheesy, but it was JUST what I needed and I don't think it was any coincidence at all! Then I just continued to have Psalm 18 go through my mind over and over again. I love all of the Psalms, but had no idea at this moment what Psalm 18 even said! So, I went home and read it and was SO encouraged by what I read....
First of all, in my Bible this chapter was titled in bold writing "The Lord is my Rock and my Fortress" I couldn't help but smile as I knew I was about to read some great truth! I got pretty excited and went to get a pen to take some notes! I knew this was going to be good! :-)

If you haven't read it, I recommend it! It begins with David praising God and expressing His love for our Lord! As I researched this part a bit, I discovered that the word for love David uses in this passage means to "yearn for"...a very deep emotional and spiritual connection he is experiencing with God. In fact, the literal Hebrew translation means "to fondle" which implies he is wrapping his arms around God. Giving Him a big hug! I long for that kind of love with God one that I can confidently say I have my arms and heart wrapped around Him and He is hugging me right back! He continues with saying God is "MY rock, MY fortress, MY deliverer, MY God, MY rock, (in whom I take refuge), MY shield, the horn of MY salvation, MY stronghold" God is definitely serving as a helper and a HUGE part of his life! God is the place we must turn for strength and protection for every trial and decision of our lives!! It continues describing God's deliverance in times of trouble! Then David continues to tell why God chooses to deliver...because he delights in us and because he rewards righteousness. The verse from Zephaniah 3:17 popped into my head right away as I read this...
"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
AND, He chose to deliver David because he kept the ways of the Lord...this encouraged my heart to stay true to Him and to just keep on keeping on. :-) Each day is such a blessing to be live for HIM...just sometimes need that reminder!



Oh How He Loves Us!!