Choosing Life!

I have begun blogging so many times this past week, and yet I have not had the chance to complete my thoughts or the energy to put the thoughts in my head into writing. I feel as if I am in a constant battle daily and it is wearing me down. We ARE in a spiritual battle and I KNOW I must prepare myself by putting on the full armor of God. (Eph. 6:11-12) Yet, I still have days where I feel I am losing the battle as I feel myself being sucked into the trap of being stuck in my grief. This is NOT the place I want to be! I want to be free of this. I am learning in the Psalms, that it is okay to cry out to God with our worries and woes, but then I am to let HIM take control of them. That is the part I feel as if I am only able to do from time to time and then I feel like I am right back where I began. How frustrating it is to be facing the SAME challenges over and over. It is more than frustrating...it is just plain exhausting!!

Tomorrow is my father-in-law's last day of work at Boeing. They are having a retirement party tomorrow evening in his honor. I think there was a part of Rich that was looking forward to this day almost as much as his own dad. My in-laws plan to move to Texas and retire on the family ranch. Rich was SO looking forward to helping out his dad and had been taking time to read and research all about raising cattle. He had even started a notebook on all of his findings. It was his hope that same day, way down the road, we may also retire and then take over the family ranch. I was never sure that I would be in love with this idea, but I was willing to go wherever he went! Even though this should be a celebration, it just breaks my heart that Rich is not here to celebrate it with his dad. He was really close to his dad in the way that Rich longed for Ethan to grow up being close to him. All of the siblings used to tease Rich because of the way he would sometimes imitate his dad and his likes or dislikes. Yet, as you stepped back to look at the whole picture, you could just see a son who admired his dad. I know that there was a mutual respect between the two of them. Rich's dad is a man of few words, but the times he did speak to Rich or write him a letter, the words were so filled with love and respect. I am thrilled that Ethan will have the opportunity to grow up with his Granddad in his life, but at the same time, torn apart that his dad is not here to be with him daily and have that same kind of relationship with his own son.

They say the second year of grieving is supposed to be easier. I can say that there is a part of that statement that is true. The moments of heart wrenching pain come less frequently and are less intense. I do not find myself taken by surprise nearly as often. (Though there are still moments that I will find myself tearing up without warning.) Yet, there is a deeper onset of just sadness that I feel has taken over my heart. I also am experiencing intense loneliness. It is so hard to battle because filling up my schedule or being around other people does not suffice to take away my loneliness. In fact, sometimes it just makes it worse because then I am exhausted on top of the loneliness. I try so hard to fill my mind with truth and spend time with my Lord, and yet even that can leave me feeling unsatisfied. Or worse, I feel guilty for it not meeting all of my needs and feel like a failure in my relationship with Him. Most of the time, God does speak to my heart through His Word, but often I have been experiencing a lot of the same...Trust Me, Be patient, Wait, Know that I have Your Best in my plans for you, Trust Me!

I have had the hardest month with Ethan. As I looked back over the calendar tonight, I realized that YES, nearly a month has passed that I have been dealing with the same issue...a battle of the wills. My son has decided that he does NOT need to have a rest time in the afternoon and his mommy has decided that he WILL have a rest time every day! I should be happy that today he actually stayed IN his bed for a whole hour. Though he never held still long enough to actually fall asleep, he at least stayed in his bed and did not climb up the side of his wardrobe, flip over his glider chair, or take the closet doors off their rollers. I SHOULD be happy that he actually stayed in bed, but instead I am just exhausted. Those precious two hours I used to have every day to get things done or to maybe actually rest myself have been transferred to my evening after he has gone to bed. This means that from about 1-7 every day we are experiencing a lot of turmoil at my house from no napping to all out break downs and tantrums throughout the evening. He usually is begging to go to bed by about 6:30, but this does not usually work due to our evening activities. There have been many a moment when I have cried out to God, "I can't do this alone! He needs a daddy and I need a husband. I need the reinforcement. I need the encouragement. I need the break. I just need a hug and someone coming home telling me they love me and that I AM a good mommy." I have read ALL the books, sought advice from all of my expert mommy friends, and even outside counseling. No one seems to know the answer. Overall, he is a good kid and obeys well during the morning hours. I love him so dearly and just want what is best for him. I realize he would maybe be doing all of this even if Rich were in his life, but for some reason, it just seems like it would be easier to deal with then. I KNOW I am just pouring out a long "woe is me" blog and feel kind of foolish for even being so open and honest with my little daily dealings. The problem is that these daily dealings are wearing me out enough that I feel as if I have nothing left to give. There are SO many people in my life that I want to be doing things for and serving and loving on. Yet, I feel like I am an empty vessel without much to give. When I soak in my time with God, I feel like it is drained from me slowly throughout the day until I finally fall into bed at night with a sigh and a "Thank you, Lord, for helping me through one more day." just to get up in the morning and start it all over again.

Yet, somehow, even in the midst of all of this daily turmoil that stirs around in my head (the questions, the what ifs, the how is this going to work), God provides me with a peace that passes all understanding as I believe He is somehow going to pull me through this experience and make me stronger and more like Him in the process! I don't really have a clue how He is going to do that, but if anyone can make something good come out of something so tragic, I believe He can!

"I am confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord. "
(Psalm 27:13-14)

So even though I don't always feel God's presence, I know it! I may have days where I don't want to go on, but I can ask Him to give me the strength to want to want to go on!
I am at a new place in my grieving process. One where I must constantly CHOOSE to go on with my life and let his mercies greet me each morning with a smile. Rich will always have a special place in my heart, and I am forever changed for having had him in my life. Yet, I am at a new place now where I will miss him, but I cannot let myself keep going back to that place of darkness that consumes me with hurt and sadness. I have to set my eyes on Jesus and the hope that He gives me for my future. Plans to prosper and not harm me. I know there WILL be more heartaches that may come my way, and the thought of that, honestly, quite frightens me. But, I also know that I cannot live a life of fear or cling to the hurts of my past. I want others to see that my identity is in Christ and not in my grief.

"I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life." (Deut. 30:19-20)

This has become my new theme verse! The Lord is my life and when I think about what that really means, the trivial day to day things seem to wash away. My hardships and hurts are still there, but they are there to shape and mold me, NOT to destroy me.

"What shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?...
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered. No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God, that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 8:31, 35-39