Friendships

Today at MOPS our speaker, Melody Congdon (our pastor's wife) shared about friendships for ourselves and for our children. It really made me think a lot about how my friendships have changed over the past couple of years. We did a very familiar activity that maybe you have done before where you draw three circles- One large one, one medium sized inside the large one, and then a small one like a bulls-eye. On the outer circle she challenged us to list 12 friends we may have. These can be friends from all different parts of our life. Her examples were her "project friends", her "adventure friends", her "accountability friends", etc. The next circle was to list 3 friends that know us more intimately and whom we feel we can call on and really share our hearts. The last circle is for your very best friend...the person who knows you and loves you for the good and bad!

I had done this activity a couple of years ago and my circles looked very different then. I have always been one to have lots of friends. I LOVE people and often surround myself with people. But, the depth of these friendships was not always that deep. I really struggled when we were told we could NOT put our husband in the inner circle (even though he may be our best friend). We were challenged to think of a girlfriend that we could also call our "best friend". Even though I had lots of friends I felt like I would do anything for, I wasn't sure it was the same on their end. I think I was afraid to really explore the depth of my friendships afraid that I would be disappointed. Rich was my best friend and I was okay with that being enough. Yet, I think he desired for me to reach out more too, knowing he could not meet all of my needs OR take in all of my words! :-) He had some really great intimate friends that were good at challenging him and I envied that. I wanted to be "challenged". He was SO good at that, but as a woman, we need other women and as a man, he needed other men.

Since the accident, I have been blown away by the way my friends have shown me the true depth of their friendships! Going through something this tragic can often change friendships in a negative way. Many people don't know what to say or how to respond, and so they just avoid the person experiencing grief. I read about this a lot and was ready for this to be true in my life. Yet, I never experienced that! My friends came to my need and beyond. They came to sit with me, cry with me, the called me, wrote me letters, talked with me, encouraged me, and even pushed me when I needed it! I have made NEW friends in this process as well! I have been surprised at the depth of care and concern from some people I barely even knew before the accident. I have seen incredible empathy as others have told me they can't even imagine what I am dealing with, but will cry with me because they feel pain just thinking about it. The thing that has also been so dear to me is the friends that I thought I was closest to, are STILL there for me and are continuing to encourage me and pray for me and love me. The level of intimacy in my friendships has really deepened. I feel like I have had to be more vulnerable than ever and have let people in to see parts of me that even I did not know existed. I have let people serve me which has been incredibly humbling and hard for me at times, and yet God has used that to bless me and even those serving as well! I have seen incredible character in the men that were in Rich's life. I am in awe of the way so many have stepped up to the plate and consider it their responsibility to make sure Ethan experiences some "manly time" here and there. :-) As he grows older, I know this will be even more important and it is such a blessing to see God fill that void in his life.

As I made my new circles today, I was amazed that God has really done great things with my friendships through this process of grief. What a gift that is! In all my reading about grief, I know that this is not usually the norm. Often, the person grieving pulls so far away that they lose their friends in the process. My friends just didn't even allow me to do that! God really protected and even strengthened what I already had.

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up." ~Ecl. 4:9-10

I used to often view this verse as a "marriage" verse, but in reality it is referring to a loving relationship. Yes, there is (or should be) true friendship in a marriage, but a true friend is also effective. Christ was never married and yet he had some very close friends that he encouraged and just lived life with on a daily basis. He was the perfect friend...and still is today! Though he is not here in human form, he is (or should be) our BEST friend. I am SO very thankful that I do have a friendship/relationship with Him because He has been able to be by my side every step of the way. When it was 2:30 in the morning and I didn't feel I should wake someone with my tears for my loss, He was there! When I have had my greatest joy moments and just want to celebrate with someone, He has been there. But, I also think that Christ desires for us to have earthly friends that can give us those hugs we need or cry with or pray with or laugh with or giggle until it hurts. I think HE rejoices in watching us in our friendships...how we encourage and spur one another on. He must take delight in watching what HE created laugh together and smile at the things He has done in our lives!

Overall, I can look at my friendships and just say, "Thank you, Lord!" Yet, I do still have many moments of missing my earthly best friend! The thing I think I miss most (oh, who am I kidding?). I guess I can't really narrow it down to ONE thing. Rich was a natural encourager. If you knew him, I am sure you at one time or another were encouraged by him. I really miss his encouragement!!

As I have been starting to look into Bible memory ideas for toddlers, I was convicted to work on my own Bible memory as well. It was SO easy to memorize as child and so I want to get Ethan started right away. When I think of memorizing scripture, I often think of the book of James. In college, I was really committed to reviewing my verses and always working on learning new ones. At one point, I decided I was going to memorize the book of James because I really love that book. I was dating Rich at the time and he did something for me that really sealed the deal for me. He made me what he called the "Walk and Study Bible Buddy". It was a small flip book of the book of James laminated and put together with a ring. Since I often walked to the campus from my house and walked all over campus, there was a lot of time that I could use this to work on memorizing it. When he gave that to me, I remember thinking, "Wow! I could really marry this guy!" He was always doing things like that to encourage me in my walk with Christ and would also challenge and encourage me in other areas of my life as well. I miss that!

He also so often encouraged me as a mother. Something Melody talked about today was the importance of cultivating our friendships and how we must take the initiative to get out there and do things with other women. Rich was always trying to get me to get out and be with other women. I don't think a day went by without him telling me what a good mom I was or how lucky Ethan was to have me for his mommy. Isn't that amazing?! He was always praising my ideas or "strategies" and even listened to all of my "how-to" reading advice. :-) He encouraged me in whatever it was I was doing from my stamping business (I can't believe how many times I asked him if he liked such and such project- like he cared!) to my cooking to my teaching to our home. Now he wasn't perfect, and we DID have our disagreements, but a natural encourager was a gift he had that I will always treasure! I long to be that kind of encourager to MY friends and my family. I want to be an encouraging mother that builds confidence in my son as he learns where his hope and identity come from.

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching." ~Heb. 10:23-25

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."
~I Thes. 5:11

Now, my circles are filled with lots of names at each level! I actually have several "best friends" whom I feel like I can share my true heart with and even call in the middle of the night without them hanging up on me! :-) They know me for who I truly am and don't care if I have it all together (Which I never seem to anymore these days!) They like me when my house is clean and when it is dirty. They listen to my "verbal throw-up" (taken from Shannon- thanks!) and rejoice with me as well! They like me when I just want to hang out and still love me when I have a need. Now I just need to work on making sure they realize that I feel the same way and am there for them as well!!

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of friendship. I pray that you will use the friends in my life to spur me on toward knowing you better and that I will be the kind of friend that you have designed me to be.