Step by step...

"Eventually the good days will outnumber the painful days, and you'll be able to go on and not feel guilty about it. It's evidence of the healing process." ~ Lois M. Rabey

As I look back over this past weekend, I can see God at work in the healing process. I felt like it was a big milestone in my life. I not only attended a wedding, but my son was the ring bearer in the wedding and even though it was a bit exhausting, I can honestly say that it was a joyous occasion. The last wedding day I had was no such thing! I WAS distracted slightly because of all that is involved in having a toddler in a wedding, but I was also able to take most of it in and really enjoy it as well. This may sound like a small thing, but I was able to sit through the song, "Come Thou Fount" (Why is that played at every wedding?!) and not cry. In fact, as I was singing along in my head, it wasn't even until the second stanza that I thought of Rich! This was one of his favorite hymns and we often sang it together. (Yes, at a couple of weddings!) The thing that was most fulfilling to me was that I could sit at that wedding and feel true joy for the couple without the feelings of sadness or even jealousy coming over me.

I read recently in one of my devotionals about feelings being joy robbers. I can see this being so true in my life. As I was talking to a friend today on the phone I told her that I have to consciously tell myself to "not go there!" It is so easy to be filled with anxiety, worry, fear, jealousy, guilt, and even anger sometimes. These feelings are based on misbeliefs about God. I have to go to truth and remind myself about who God is and begin praying or singing to Him. It is amazing how God uses the Holy Spirit in our lives so effectively if we just allow Him to. We are NOT slaves to our emotions!

"If your faith remains strong, after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him, you trust him; and even now you are happy with a glorious, inexpressible joy. Your reward for trusting Him will be the salvation of your souls." ~I Peter 1:7-9

I have to be completely honest that the whole weekend was not free of tears or bouts of jealousy, but for the most part, it was a fun wedding experience!! The thing that was the hardest was just thinking about Rich and knowing he would be so proud of Ethan and enjoy being involved. Even though he was a social guy, in a setting like the reception, he would have been quick to take Ethan and send me off to socialize and mingle among the people. I realize that part of it is just the season of life I am in (being a mom of a toddler), but it was hard chasing him all over the reception (which just happened to be at an expensive art museum with many breakable items!). There were so many conversations that I would try to begin and would quickly be interrupted by my little guy getting too near something he could not touch because I did NOT want to buy it! There was ONE moment in the night that a friend (Thanks, Sam!) came to my rescue and volunteered to just take Ethan away for a while. I can not tell you how helpful and refreshing that was. I know it sounds like such a little thing. I absolutely love my son, but to be able to just stand up and have an even brief conversation with another adult in a setting like that was wonderful! I try my best to be positive, but it is hard at times like that to not miss having my mate by my side that would be willing to step in and give me a hand. I remember how we would almost "fight" each other to go get Ethan when he would cry as an infant. We were both so excited to just hold him or take care of his need. As it was getting later, my dad offered to take Ethan home and put him to bed at their house. It was so nice of him to offer, but by that time, I was pretty exhausted myself. I was thinking about the hassle of going over to my parents' house to pick him up later that night. Knowing I would have to wake him (and he was SO exhausted) and bring him back to my own house, I decided just to head home. As I told a group of my friends (whom I had barely had a conversation with that night) good-bye, I had to tell myself to just "not go there!" Part of me wanted to stay so badly and just be an adult for that night and not a mom who was wishing she was there with her husband.

Sunday brought about new milestones in our lives. Ethan graduated from the nursery into the Sunday School program. He went to his official class and was immediately taken by the cars and size of the room. I could hardly tell him good-bye and write my cell number on his nametag before he had run off! At this point in his life, I am very thankful that God has given me a social and confident child. I think I was probably the only parent there with a camera, but I was just so excited for him knowing this was, yet another, step in his life where he was growing up. It was pretty funny that when the class was over and I asked him what he did, the first thing he mentioned was snack! It was just Cheerios, but it was exciting to him! He also mentioned something about a story and "play toys", "play cars", "play trucks".

As we began a new day today, I had a whole list of things I wanted to accomplish. Well, that was probably a mistake since my child had gone to bed a couple hours past his bedtime for the past three nights in a row! He was overly tired today and the lack of sleep finally caught up! It also didn't help that, for some reason, my body also decided to wake up at 4:00 am this morning. I was able to get back to sleep, but not until about 5:30. By about 10:00, I just resigned to the fact that this was not going to be a "productive" day and tried my best to just enjoy my son and work through the whining and fits. We were able to get outside for a short while between rainfalls. Then, we had a picnic lunch on the floor in the living room. It was so cute to watch Ethan feeding his animals that he had lined all up while I was preparing the food. Thankfully, he went down for his nap much better today and slept for a long time! I also took a brief nap and tried to get some housework done while he was sleeping. Then, off to bed at a much earlier time tonight! So, in spite of a few fits and much whining between 5-7 pm, the day ended up being much better than I had anticipated when we started out the morning. It could have been a day of fighting my son's behavior all day long, but instead, I decided to just try to enjoy him and not worry about all of my "stuff".

I realized that life is often like this. We often start out our days thinking about what all we need to accomplish and then God has a whole different plan for our lives. We can either throw fits and fight it all day long letting it rob us of our joy, or we can listen to His plan and go with it! (I'm NOT saying you should let your child control your life or behavior, but there are days that you just have to be a bit more flexible with your "plan".) It is often my misbeliefs or not trusting enough, that cause me to fight God's plan for my life. It is too overwhelming if I try to understand what His plan is for my whole life. Even though my WHOLE life changed dramatically on Aug. 5, 2007, it is a day by day process of understanding it and a step by step process of learning and following His plan. It is a DAILY reminder that I am not self-sufficient and that this life is not really my own and that I must rely on God for my strength.

"In His kindness God called you to his eternal glory by means of Jesus Christ. After you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strenghten you, and He will place you on a firm foundation. All power is His forever and ever. Amen." ~ I Peter 5:10-11