My Pilgrimage

I am beginning to see that Mothering very closely parallels my spiritual pilgrimage. There have been so many lessons that I learn just by watching my son as he learns what we call "appropriate behavior". In the midst of a tantrum or complete melt down, even in my exhaustion, there are times I find myself almost laughing at how God must feel very similar to how I feel when he looks at me. I feel like I have had my own share of tantrums or melt downs as he looks over me just shaking His head saying, "I love you child, but you just need to listen or you just need to trust me." I know the feeling of being a disappointed parent, even hurt by my child's actions when he chooses outright defiance instead of choosing to obey. I see the way that it hurts him and keeps him from getting what he ultimately wants. The only thing that is missing from my equation is that I am one very imperfect parent and my God is the Perfect parent and giver of love, patience, acceptance, and has complete control!! How I wish, at times, I could be that kind of parent to my son (esp. the having complete control part!) ;-) Yet, I am SO thankful that I DO have my Lord to go to for direction and that ultimately, my son is accountable to Him! I pray daily (often several times a day) that Ethan will come to know what it means to know Jesus personally at a young age and that He will grow into a man that loves him with all of his heart, strength, and mind!

We have continued to have a week of ups and downs in the world of parenting. Yet, there has been a significant change in his behavior since Monday! Sunday started out as a pretty miserable day (my birthday of all days), with Ethan tired from another busy weekend. It had been almost an entire month since he had taken a nap on any kind of a consistent basis, though I refused to give up hope that I could at least expect him to be in his bed quietly for at least an hour of "rest time". He loves to look at books and would have probably sat somewhere else in the house at any OTHER time of day for nearly an hour looking at books or doing puzzles if I had asked him. But, the nap time had become an all-out battle between us... a time of day that we had both begun to dread. Sunday was no different, except that I was SO tired and really desired to take a nap myself. He was in his room refusing to stay in his bed screaming out and banging his feet against the wall, yet again. I was at a breaking point, and just laid down on my bed face flat and cried out to God, "I cannot do this anymore! Please give me the strength to love him as only you can love him." I cried and cried and began feeling extremely sorry for myself instead of taking every thought captive. I began thinking of how different my birthday would have been had Rich been here. I began thinking of how I did not want to be a single mom. I started doubting that it was possible to do this well as my mind wandered into the many fears of my future that had not even taken place. My imagination began to run wild at the thought of a rebellious teenager growing up without a dad and a mom who was working too many hours to be involved in his life, but knowing I had to pay the bills. I started resenting the fact that I was now responsible for everything and all I ever wanted was to be a mom and a wife. I was never one that was overly driven to have a high power career. I just wanted a simple life where I could devote my whole attention to my family. I was willing to sacrifice the "extras" in life knowing that it could be tight living on one salary, but desiring to be home to devote my whole heart and time to my husband and my children. I knew they would be exhausting and wearing at times, but I also knew I had married an amazing man who knew when and how to step in and give me a break from my unpaid full-time job. Where had this dream gone?!!! I am too much of a "realist" to think that this was going to be an easy life and one not full of ups and downs, but THIS was not what I was picturing when I thought of the downs of life. I remember getting married thinking that I would love this man for better or for worse and really meaning it. The only problem is, he is not here to help me through the "worse". He knew me better than anyone on this earth and as I lay there crying, I remember saying to God, "Will I ever laugh again until my sides hurt?" Yes, I have a deep, inner joy, and even contentment at times, but I feel like I am always carrying around this reminder with me that sorrow is just around the corner. I don't know how to let go of it without completely letting go of my love for Rich. Like a friend of mine said, "It is a difficult balance between loving and remembering Rich and moving on with my life".

The good news is that my birthday did not end on this note of misery. I actually had a friend completely call me out on feeling sorry for myself. Wow! It takes a good friend to be able to do that! As soon as I read her email, I was reminded of a quote from Barbara Johnson (someone who has experienced quite a bit of grief of her own!) In this life "pain is inevitable, but misery is optional". This is so true. We do live in a fallen world and are surrounded by tragedy, but we must choose to live a life of obedience...taking every thought captive and choosing to trust Christ with our lives. He DOES have the big picture in His hands and though I may never know (I have to learn to accept this every day over and over again) why my journey takes this direction, I will choose to trust God with it and trust that He will also work out the impossible details of somehow fulfilling the desires of my heart while keeping me within His perfect plan!

"Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca (baca means tears or weeping)
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
They go from strength to strength,
til each appears before God in Zion...
O Lord Almighty,
blessed is the man who trusts in you."
(Psalm 84: 5-7,12)

I read this verse in a Beth Moore Study...she goes on to explain
"When life gets hard or we simply feel 'worn to a frazzle,' as my grandmother would say, it's time to take a deep breath and remind ourselves this place is not our home. We're just passing through on our way to a heavenly Kingdom. We are pilgrims here. The supply of 'strength to strength' implies the demand. In other words, as long as we're here, we're going to need it. And as long as we need it, God's going to supply it."

As I look back over my life and the trials that I have experienced, God has never failed to draw me closer to Him through them all. He ALWAYS is faithful to pull me through them and provide the grace I need in the moment. This is the first one that has been so hard to get pulled through. I suppose it is because there are so many layers in it all. Just when I get through one part of my grief, another part begins to peel away. I keep thinking that maybe I am not "getting better", but I think maybe I am just taking my time to soak it all in. Another thing that is so different about this trial in my life is that it has affected the life of every person that is close to me in my life and even those that I may have never known. And, it is just beginning to affect my son. This is the most difficult part for me. Tonight as we sat down for dinner, completely out of nowhere he said, "Daddy coming home?" It took me by complete surprise. All I could say was, "Daddy is not able to come home, sweetheart. Do you miss him?" He, of course responded "okay" (which means yes is his vocabulary). I said, "I do too." That was all I could get out. It is strange how the mind of a two year old works. I know something must have triggered it, but I didn't want to push the issue. I realize there is SO much more of this to come. Yet, once again, I think that may be why God is allowing me to get through all of these layers now so that I am better equipped to deal with the other issues later. I do have faith that He will provide me with the strength and words to lovingly show my son that we serve a Sovereign God who loves us and has our best in mind even when it doesn't make sense to us.

On a positive note, my pilgrimage through Motherhood took a good turn this week. On Monday, Ethan finally stayed in his bed and rested. Tuesday and Wed. he actually slept during nap time and today, even though he did not sleep, he did have some "rest time". Though I realize that our "phases" of twos, threes, and fours are just beginning, it is so nice to know that they truly do come in phases. Like childbirth, there are moments in between the pain to breathe, and prepare for the next phase of pain. I can deal with it all just knowing that there is hope and that the "contraction" is not going to be never ending! That is true even with our spiritual pilgrimage. There are some pretty bad contractions along the way, but the reward in the end of our labor/journey is SO rewarding and worth every bit of the pain!

My God is faithful. That I know! And I will trust Him with what I don't. God never promised us answers in this lifetime, but He did promise treasures to the seeker: (Beth Moore)

"I will give you the treasures of darkness,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the Lord,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name."
(Isa. 45:3)