My week began (as you read earlier) with my Grandmother being flown into Topeka due to a fall and bleeding on her brain. She was tested, treated, and released to Hospice to basically die. Even though she had lived a "full-life", the thought of losing her was hard for me to take. However, she has taken a miraculous change for the better. Even though the doctors are saying she will still probably not make it to Christmas, she is able to understand, communicate and even played the piano a few days this week! She at one time asked, "How long does it take to die?" She is aware that her heart is giving out and that it is a struggle to breath, but she is also so at peace about dying. What a difference Christ makes in one's life! She has begun singing with family as they visit and often asks to sing "Soon and very Soon". What a blessing it is to watch God work through her life to the very end and to ALL have a chance to say our good-byes. Even with the good news, it has still taken a bit of a toll on me emotionally just revisiting the thought of death and being even a bit envious that my Grandma will be in heaven so soon. I recently read in an email devotional about my heart being forever changed for eternity.
"The Bible says that God has set eternity in our hearts. To long for a better place is not a vain hope or delusion. You were made for eternity, and because of this, you can never be fully satisfied until you get to heaven."
Yet, I long to LIVE my life here and now for eternity. For some reason, God has allowed me to be here and to continue to live my life here on earth and I want to live it in a way that pleases him and prepares me for my life with Him.
"Life here really is a dress rehearsal for the world to come. A person who embraces the world to come and lives in light of it has his whole world radically re-altered. He looks at people differently. He looks at money differently. Looks at the things around his life differently. Looks at his own self differently."
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." ~Eccl. 3:11
The thoughts from this devotional came at just the right time. I have had so many thoughts of eternity this week and wanting to just experience complete peace in God's presence. It was encouraging to know that these are natural longings, but also good to be reminded that I DO have a life to live here and now and a purpose for being here according to God's plan. It kind of goes along with that whole cliche, "God is not finished with me yet". It is true. He still has much to accomplish in my life here in this sin-filled world and He is preparing me, shaping and molding me for my eternity with him.
"We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed...Therefore, we do not lose heart... My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
~II Cor. 4:7-9, 16; 12:9
I have to admit that there were several moments this week where I felt in despair, but it was at those moments that I was forgetting to pray. It is amazing how sufficient God truly is in our lives! There are times that even after prayer, I may not have felt immediate goodness, but God would direct me to where I needed to go. I had to reach out to others this week for help in raising my son. I felt like a failure, but was so distraught over what to do. I was SO encouraged when I reached out. I often forget to do this. I get so busy with the day to day and just trying to survive that I forget there are so many others who have also been through emotional trauma like I was facing. This may seem like a small thing to some of you, but if you have TRULY been face to face with a strong-willed child, you will feel my pain!
The thing that has been the hardest this past week was watching my sweet, compliant child turn into a tyrant! It was as if someone just flipped a switch and said, "time to see that your child has another side". I also felt like a new me was appearing as my child would throw himself into fits of rage kicking and screaming "No!" As I would try to give him two choices, the once "milk please" answer turned into "No milk! No water!" and then two seconds later "Milk, No milk, Milk! Milk! Milk!" I watched the behavior grow worse as he absolutely refused to nap for five days in a row. It was painful to give up my time to get things done or, heaven forbid, rest a bit myself as I would put him back into his bed over and over again. He would lay in his bed kicking his feet as hard as he could against the wall until my neighbor (I live in a townhouse) actually called to make sure everything was okay. I should have said, "No. Would you like to watch my child while I go outside and scream?!" :-) After five days of naptime battles, my child finally had a fit like I had never seen turning bright red and sweating from all of the energy put into it. Finally after 20 minutes, (I told him he could come see me when he was done as I waited outside his room making sure he didn't hurt himself!) he came to me and said, "hold me". I held him and rocked him and he was sound asleep in less than a minute! He slept last night from about 5:45 until 8:00 this morning! I actually had to wake him. Today there were still a few "moments", but I am trying so hard to stay consistent. Though he did not sleep, I was able to be patient and calm while we tried a new nap time routine. (This was due to the prayer of my friends!) I was often reminded of myself and my relationship with God as I thought over our week. There was a moment that I was cooking supper and Ethan wanted to pull up a chair beside me and immediately began to reach for the burner and hot pan. I told him no! and immediately moved his chair away explaining this was not safe and mommy was protecting him from getting hurt. I tried to busy him with another project, but he was SO mad that I would not let him help. An empty pot and spoon on the floor just didn't cut it. I tried many distractions, but the tears kept flowing. I remember telling him he just needed to trust mommy and that I loved him and wanted to keep him safe. I immediately wondered how many times I must appear this way to God; reaching for something or wanting something for my life that would harm me. I cry out to God like a child thinking it isn't fair or crying because I want something that He is just not ready for me to have. He is probably telling me the same thing- "Trust me child. I love you and want to protect you. I want the best for you!" I pull my chair up next to Him, and instead of just listening and trusting Him, I want answers now! The emotional trauma that I am experiencing could all be let go of if I could just learn how to have that perfect trust!
As my week continued, I was faced with more bad news of people in my life having medical tests reveal not good information. Though there are no answers right now of the outcome, I just wanted to cry. Could I really handle losing three more people that I dearly love in the next year? Did God really know what He was asking of me? One of my best friends from college was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is so young! It won't be until Monday that I hear for sure what stage she is in, but it is just so hard to watch her worry and suffer being so far away from family and the friends that care for her so dearly! With this news and the news of another loved one in my life having a mass of quite possibly cancer on her kidney just about did it for me emotionally this week.
On top of it all (though quite comical as I look back) I injured my back through a series of events. It was SO bad that I was hardly able to walk and was not able to sit at my computer for several days. It is amazing how much pain a pinched sciatic nerve can cause! I was feeling like I was about 80 years old this week trying to take care of my not so easy toddler and watching my house get dirtier and dirtier and realizing there was nothing I could do about it and just hoping no one would drop by just to say "hi!"
As I look back over my week, I can definitely see how God was at work refining me, molding me, and pulling me back up out of the pit of despair. My desire is that I can always be on the lookout for moments of joy even in the midst of bad news and that I would seek first His kingdom! I want my life here and now to be one that trusts God through the ups and downs, not just with my head, but also my heart!
"I am quiet now before the Lord, just as a child who is weaned from the breast. Yes, my begging has been stilled. O Israel, you too should quietly trust in the Lord - now and always."
~Psalm 131:2-3
The very fire that blackens my horizons warms my soul. The darkness that oppresses my mind sharpens my vision. The flood that overwhelms my heart quenches my thirst. The thorns that penetrate my flesh strengthen my spirit. The grave that buries my desires deepens my devotion. Man's failure to comprehend this intention of God is one of life's true calamities.
~James Means
A Tearful Celebration
God WILL be seen even in my weakness. For that, I am so very grateful!!
3 comments:
Hey girl, hang in there. I haven't had all the emotions you've had this week, but I wonder if there's been something in the weather or the moon...my kiddos have been acting up horribly--it's so draining! Do continue to take people up on their offers to help watch Ethan, etc. People love you, and listening or helping you out is a way they can show that. I hope your back continues to feel better, and I'm glad your grandma can communicate and enjoy these moments with her family. It is a blessing she has such peace with everything.
Take things day by day, don't get caught up in the little stuff (or so someone told me just yesterday), and do the best you can with each day, that will be pleasing to God as you live out this life here on earth.
Love you guys.
Hey Liz. I just started reading your blog...:) I just started one in August. Just want to thank you for sharing all of that that you experienced this past couple of days. Wow, yeh thank you so much for sharing b/c I can relate to alot of those emotions. (Different experiences, but still the same emotional responses.) I just moved to Lafayette, IN 3 weeks ago to take a Biblical counseling class. It has been so awesome to get to know the family Im staying wiht and meet lots of cool people, and learn much through the class. BUT, there have been so many challenges that make me want to cry and throw in the towel. Ive been looking for a job as well as trying to decide about doing an internship w/ a girl's rehab house. Ive been lonely. My dad had a seizure/stroke thing last week that they still don't know what it was....etc. Challenges. It has been exactly those challenges that have really forced me to cry out to God. Ive been realizing that I feel like I burdening him when I talk to him. I try to do things w/out His help b/c I don't want to be annoying. :) Anyway, this is getting long but i just wanted to say thanks for sharing b/c you really encouraged me tonite- just knowing that another sister is being put through trials. :) I miss talking w/ ya too. I know how to pray for you!
this is Renae Wenger by the way. :)
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