On the Go

I feel like lately my house has been more of a pit stop than a home. From traveling, to work, to grocery shopping, to being a mom, and even trying to have a bit of social life, I am just feeling pulled in too many directions. Ethan has been surprisingly flexible with me taking him here and there and all over the place. I have been in the car a lot, traveling to see family and friends and trying to spend "quality time" with them all. In fact, I am taking a break to blog as I am again packing for yet another trip that we leave for early in the morning. We are off to Derby to see Rich's parents and siblings to celebrate a birthday and just be together. It all goes back to the whole balance issue. Yet, due to the upcoming anniversary of Rich's graduation into heaven, I just feel like I NEED to see people and others have made it clear that they need to see me.

I kind of dread the upcoming day (Aug 5th) and weekend. I'm not sure how I will personally deal with it all. In some ways, I just view it as yet another day. It is really harder, in some ways, on so many others around me. I have been dealing with Rich's loss every day and moment since it happened. For so many others, it is something they don't even think about from day to day unless something big brings it to mind. I don't want to sound like I have no mercy for others. I really DO care and understand how deeply they hurt and feel Rich's loss. I guess, in a way, I am a bit envious of them- that they can just experience the hurt and then move on without a thought about it until something major triggers it in their minds. I don't desire in any way for others to dwell over the loss or feel sorry for me. I guess I just sometimes wish we could all go through it together at the same rate. I know this is impossible because grief is just experienced by everyone in so many different ways and people knew Rich on so many different levels. We are all grieving different things. And though the intensity and way we grieve may be different, it is all due to the loss of one.

I don't know what to expect for this next week. I'm planning on being in Derby for a few days to be with Rich's family. This is still such a hard thing. I love them SO deeply. When I am with them, it is great. They are a fun family who enjoy sitting around sharing stories and laughing together. Often Rich will come up in a conversation and I still learn new things about his childhood and how ornery he was. We have a lot of "Remember when..." moments together. I see so much of Rich in his family and have SO many memories of our times together when I visit his parents' home. It is when I leave, that it gets hard. I hate the drive home. I always feel like I am leaving a part of Rich behind and that he should be coming home with me. It feels so strange to be making new memories with his family and yet have him no longer be there to experience them with me and Ethan.

The next weekend I plan to meet up with a group of Rich's best friends and their families from college for a campout and bonfire memorial. I am SO excited to see these friends that I don't get to connect with on a regular basis. I look forward to taking Ethan on his first camping experience. Rich and I loved to camp. He would have really loved doing this with his friends. I am not quite the "boy scout" that he was, but know the guys will introduce Ethan properly to the world of camping. It will be a weekend full of wonderful new memories along with some great old ones shared. We plan to have church in the pasture the next morning. I know it will be an amazing time, but also imagine it could be a bit emotionally draining.

I plan to come home Sunday and spend the evening at the river at the memorial sight with family. (If I can handle it) I just don't know. Often, in the moment, God provides me with amazing strength and peace. Yet, it is later, when I leave those I love and am worn down emotionally and mentally that I just collapse from it all. I so WANT to be there with those I love remembering all that we loved and cherished about Rich. I want to celebrate his one year birthday in heaven...how fortunate he is!! I want to praise God that he has given me the strength to survive this year, to grow, and to even thrive at times. These are the desires of my heart. But when it actually happens, will I be able to have a heart of joy standing at the river side on a Sunday night...the same night a year ago when I received a phone call I will never forget? Do I really want to stand and look at the same waters that I stood at all night long a year ago, hoping and praying that somehow Rich had survived the inevitable? These are thoughts I just need to pray over and really ponder.

Then, there are those that want to meet on THE day...Aug. 5th. I am so fortunate to have so many that care and are concerned for me and want to be with me. Again, I want to make this a positive time and yet honestly, part of me just wants to run away and hide out and sleep the day away. Is this selfish of me? I want God to be honored and I want Rich's memory to be honored. Yet, how do I just keep going and going and reliving it over and over again? I am starting to feel a bit like the Energizer bunny who is going and going, but I am also starting to FEEL less and less...just going through the motions again. I am scared of facing this next week. I don't want all of the feelings to come rushing back, and yet I don't want to just push myself through the week without any feelings at all. The tears are beginning to form in my eyes just thinking about it all. My hands are beginning to sweat and my throat is getting tight as I relive in my mind that week a year ago. Can't we just skip the month of August and move onto September? "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?" (Psalm 13:2)

"Is any one of you in touble? He should pray." (James 5:13) Thank you, Lord, for loving me at all times, even when I have fears and doubts and try to rely on my own strength when I know I should be relying on YOU.

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I risel you perceive my thoughts from afar... You are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord." (Psalm 139:1-4)

Lord, please give me the strength and courage to rely on you to get through each hour and each day as I relive so many memories of Rich with those I love this next week. Thank you for knowing every detail of our lives and for caring about each one. Help me to continue to draw near to you for comfort.