Overwhelmed

Well, today was definitely not a day of "Perfect Trust". I was overwhelmed with the responsibility of raising my son on my own. I was feeling consumed with thoughts of sadness, loneliness, and inadequacy. Am I really giving Ethan the best life he deserves? He needs more than just me...he needs a daddy and a "sane" mommy! I spent most of my morning sending him to time-out. At nap time, I was just angry at him because all I wanted to do was take a nap and he was NOT napping. He was, in fact, destroying his bedroom! He even somehow managed to get the closet doors off of their rollers. I almost started crying because I couldn't get the doors back on their tracks. All I could think of was, "Rich would have been able to fix this with no problem."

I know part of my frustration today was just the normal feeling of being a mom. I get confused between those feelings and my grief sometimes. I think they are very closely intertwined. I dreamed of nothing more than being a mommy as I grew up. When that dream finally came true (after years of infertility issues) I was SO happy. Now I just keep thinking, "This is not what I had in mind...being a single mom. I dreamed of a big family with lots of kids and my wonderful supportive husband. I realize that I tend to be a bit idealistic, but this?!!

Tonight I have had to stop and really think...by not thinking I can do this, I am believing the lie that God made a mistake. He KNEW that this was going to happen. He knew that I would finally have a child, lose my husband, and be a mom on my own. He also KNOWS that I can do it, not alone, but with His strength and direction...of which I need SO much!!

"Whatever is TRUE, whatever is NOBLE, whatever is RIGHT, whatever is LOVELY, whatever is PURE, whatever is admirable- think about such things." Phil. 4:8

Okay, God--help me to think about such things! I truly desire to know you more personally than I could ever imagine. Please help me to focus on things above and to show Ethan what it means to have true joy that could only come from you. Continue to shape me into the mother and woman that you desire for me to be!