Worship

Cooperate worship is an awesome experience and one I look forward to experiencing for eternity standing before Jesus! I have always had a love for worship. I know there are many forms of worship, but singing, playing the guitar, playing the piano~musical forms of worship touch my heart in a deep place. It is through music that I have been able to express myself openly before God and through others' music that I have often heard Him speak directly to my heart!

It was (and still is) so hard at times to sing certain songs and words to God. I never want to enter into worship lightly. I want every word that comes out of my mouth to be honest and true. This is sometimes hard...VERY hard. Sometimes when I don't "feel" truth, I force myself to speak or sing truth because then I can learn to accept it. Going back to church and entering into cooperate worship immediately after Rich's death was SO hard. I didn't want to break down in front of everyone. Yet, at times it was impossible. It still can hit me at the most inconvenient moments...like at a wedding when we are praising God together.

Sometimes when all I want to be doing is focusing on God, I just think about Rich and the songs we would sing together. His favorites quickly became my favorites and vice versa. Other times, I am so free of any pain, and the song will bring up a memory or talk about the saints worshiping God before His throne and all I can picture is Rich. This makes me SO happy and so sad all at the same time.

Rich had an incredible gift with music! He could strum anything out on the guitar or piano all naturally, just using the gift of his ear! Oh, how I miss him picking up his guitar in the evenings and just picking out this or strumming that. I want Ethan to grow up with music and the sound of it filling our house and our hearts with joy. I am a cheap substitute as I attempt to play worship songs on the guitar with the five chords that I know. I so wish I had video taped his father more! I only have a few excerpts of him here and there, Christmas, the beach, and the most precious- I hid outside Ethan's bedroom door and videotaped him reading to him before bed. I ache as I think of what Ethan will be missing out on as he grows up without his daddy. I try so hard to trust in the scripture that states God will be a father to the fatherless. Honestly, sometimes I just want a daddy for Ethan with skin on him right here, right now!

Oh, Lord, help me to trust you with my WHOLE heart and with my life AND my son's life and future. I long to worship you without the tightness in my throat and the tears streaming down my face. I know that You also wept openly when your friend died. When did you stop?

I am going to rely on a verse I learned as a small child today..."Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." (Prov. 3:5-6)