Finding a Balance...

This is definitely going to be a life-long battle for me. I have always struggled with this in different areas of my life. I tend to get a bit obsessive compulsive when I discover a new love for something or even in my day to day activities. Just ask my friends- I can go crazy cleaning and have so much fun doing it...pulling out the old toothbrush to get every tiny speck of dirt and scrub it clean. Other times it may be a job like when I was teaching. I was obsessed with my kids and my classroom and had to really WORK at leaving work and letting it go. Now as a mom, I find myself becoming a bit obsessed with wanting to be the "perfect mom" and make sure I am engaging my son at all times in creative outlets and always reading about different strategies to teach him this or that, to love Jesus, and how to discipline in an effective manner. At the same time as being a mom, I find myself still wanting that perfectly clean house, wanting to be the perfect friend to others, wanting all of my memories to be nicely written down and put in a cute scrapbook, wanting to reach out to my neighbors and disciple other girls, to have the pretty flower garden and perfectly mowed yard, to be pushing my mind to be challenged beyond the vocabulary of a two-year old, to be exercising daily and pushing myself to go that extra mile, to fix healthy meals that introduce new likes (mostly dislikes) to my two year old's very picky palette, be the best steward of my money that I can possibly be (meaning getting all of the great coupon deals and freebies!) and the list goes on and on and on.

Whew! I am exhausted just thinking about it all. Then I have to remind myself that the greatest commandment for my life is to "Love the Lord my God with all of the heart, soul, and mind and to love my neighbor as myself." How do I do that with all of these distractions in my life? I SO want my mind to be always focused on Him. I want to bring Him into my day to day tasks and desires. Some days this is easier than others! AND, I want to remember that Christ is satisfied in me alone and not in my accomplishments...that is one of the hardest ones of all to accept completely.

BALANCE- It just comes up SO much and in EVERY area of my life. I want to find balance in remembering Rich, but also moving on with my future. I know Christ wants me to live in the here and now with an eternal perspective. Yet, I also never want to forget the person that knew me better than I often knew myself at times. I want Ethan to grow up knowing his daddy and what he desired for his son. It saddens my heart when I try to remember certain experiences we had together and I can't remember the details or even the event at all. Rich was always the one with the amazing memory in our relationship. He remembered every date and often even the specific time of special occasions. It would amaze me how he could read through a huge book on the Vietnam War in a couple of nights and actually recall specific details months later. I would not have even enjoyed reading it in the first place, let alone remember anything I read! So, where is the balance? As I begin to go through his belongings, what do I keep and what do I part with? Part of me wants to save so much for Ethan. But at the same time, what kid wants or needs 12 ball caps that belonged to his dad? It has been such a comfort for me to be surrounded by his things...parts of who he was. Yet, as time passes, they are beginning to become just that- THINGS. Yes, some of them DO represent who he was and what he loved, but they didn't really make him who he was. As I linger over each item, I find myself being flooded with memories. Some make me laugh (even out loud!), others make me cry, and then there are even the feelings of frustration and then guilt for feeling that way when I can't really be mad at someone who it not even here! Rich IS and will always be a part of me. God used him in my life to help shape me into who I am today. At the beginning, there was a part of me that wished I had never married him so that I would not have endured the pain of losing him. Today, I would never say that. I would do it all over again...even if I knew I would lose him. I'm so thankful that I was able to be a part of God's master plan for Rich's life. What a privilege it was to be his wife and friend. I will ALWAYS have memories of him and part of me is who I am today because of the way God used him to shape, mold, and refine me.

Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to know, love, and be a part of Rich's life. I pray you will remind me often that you are and will always be my FIRST love and that I will never lose you. Thank you for using Rich to show me just a taste of what unconditional love is and for continuing to put people in my life that shower me with friendship, love, and prayer.