Carrying on...

I am beginning to notice that time is starting to fly by again as it once did before in my life. There was a time when the onset of grief began that I wondered how I would ever make it to the next hour, let alone the next day. I suppose I should be thrilled that my life is returning to routine and filled with busy day-to-day activities, work, and play. On one hand, I AM so thankful that I can function this way again without grief consuming my every thought and moment. Yet, there is a part of me that feels almost sad or guilty to let it go. I never wanted grief to become my identity and I fought so hard against that, but there is a part of it that has forever changed me. I hope that it has softened me, made me more aware of others' needs and losses. I hope that God will continue to use my loss in my life to shape me and mold me into His perfect plan for my life. My prayer is that my suffering and tragedy in my life will forever keep me wholly dependent on my Lord. It is so easy to fall back into my self-sufficient ways, and yet, I know that without Him being a part of my every thought and action, I am nothing.

Just as my son is a thinker, I also find myself thinking. In fact, I sometimes wish I could stop thinking. I remember talking to Rich one time about what goes through his mind and the different ways that men and women think about things. He tended to pull out one drawer at a time and think about it and then shut that drawer and move on to another idea. Whereas I usually have at least three or four drawers open at a time thinking about several things and never being able to have a moment where the ideas are ever completely put away. I was completely dumbfounded at the idea that there were times that my husband could really be not thinking about anything at all. My mind is ALWAYS going and at times it can just be exhausting. Lately, I often find myself thinking about the future. I have often taken to heart the verse from II Cor. 10:5 about taking every thought captive. It seems like in every season of my life I have had something that seems to consume my thoughts. I find myself often struggling with worries about my future that I had in my early twenties. It is so strange to feel as if I have lived life and yet I am being transported back to that season of my life. Now I have a lot of life experiences such as college, marriage, career, parenting that I have already experienced and yet I am in some ways starting over. I am contemplating going back to college, possibly getting married again someday, having a new career, and yet all while still being a parent and so desperately missing what seemed to already be my "dream life". I find myself constantly struggling with the question of "what now?"

Yet, in some ways, God has made it SO very clear that I am to continue to embrace this season of my life. He has somehow miraculously provided a way for me to continue to be home with my precious son and invest in his life as well as take the time to learn, read, and grow in my knowledge of who HE is. What an incredible blessing it is to have this time. I pray that I do not waste a moment of it, but use it wisely to prepare for what could possibly be harder seasons ahead in my life. Learning to be content in every and all circumstances is still a daily battle, but there are definitely days that I am able to give that up to Him so much easier than others.

Ethan continues to make passing comments about daddy, but his emotions have lessened and the shock of hearing it has lessened for me as well. I do feel bad for every male friend I have in my life because he often brings it up first thing when he meets someone new. For example, the other day he met a friend of mine and I introduced them. Immediately Ethan said, "My daddy is not here anymore." My heart sank as I thought how hard it must be for Ethan to just not understand why all of these other kids seem to have a daddy and he does not. Thankfully, my friend (though a bit shocked) was quick to respond, "I know and I'm sorry, but it will be okay." as he immediately picked him up. Most of my friends are very sensitive to him about it all and, once again, I feel so blessed that God has surrounded me with Godly men that will be such a good example to Ethan as he grows.

As another Christmas passed, I was surprised how much easier it was to actually enjoy the Christmas season this year. The things that would have brought me to tears last year, often caused me to just sigh and even smile as I remembered special memories that I shared with my sweetheart. Some of the traditions I decided to carry on with family and even some with new friends. I also decided to begin some new ones and was surprised how much fun I really had this past month. One thing I had to let go, for now, was the Christmas letter. This was always something that Rich did and though I did it last year, I just knew it would take too much out of me emotionally. I planned to go ahead and send my update and pictures around Valentine's Day instead which removed some of the stress of time crunch and budgeting for it as well! Ethan and I enjoyed Christmas with my extended family here in Topeka and then took off for Texas Christmas day to enjoy five days in TX with the Heyroths. It was a very fun time and I was thankful that we were all able to be together. In the past I have come away from our time together and really struggled with almost a bout of depression each time. I was very thankful that this time I came home feeling refreshed and thankful for God's continual healing of my heart.

I was also, once again, overwhelmed at the incredible generosity and thoughtfulness of my dear, precious friends! I was basically showered with cards of encouragement and notes that people were praying for me this Christmas. Again, many people enclosed gift cards from Sonic to Starbucks and even the Christian bookstore. Another card was from a group of friends who are taking care of installing a new garage door. Being one that is not so good at accepting things or help from others, let's just say this past year and a half have been INCREDIBLY humbling! I have learned so much about what it means to be an encourager through these people in my life. I have learned what it means to give without expecting anything in return and what it truly means to be a part of the body of Christ. I feel like they are truly my family! I still get tears in my eyes as I think about how well I have been loved and cared for through it all. Though I could never repay everyone for what they have done for me, I know they will be richly rewarded someday and I can't wait to see them lay their crowns at Jesus' feet!

As I think about entering into a New year, my prayer is that I will continue to learn what it means to have "Perfect Trust" in my God. I read this just today, "True contentment is simply a matter of trust--trusting God despite our situation, and accepting and finding satisfaction in whatever He gives us." and I would take that one step further and just say finding satisfaction in just knowing Him and being perfectly loved by Him. He truly has a way (though I don't really understand it) of meeting all of my needs and doing it so much better than I could ever even if I tried! He alone is worthy of our worship and praise.