Another milestone we hit this week, was Ethan turning 29 months. We continued on with daddy's tradition to do something special to celebrate every month that we had Ethan in our lives. In the past months, I have done everything from buying a new Hot Wheel car to a trip to a new and special park. Well, this month was a little more of a celebration for us both. I was also excited about how far God had brought us. I realized that Rich had now been out of Ethan's life one month longer than he had ever been a part of it. Though this made me a bit sad, I was also so thankful that He had brought us this far and continuing to shower us with grace and mercy. This past month, I have started to feel a bit like I am able to just be me again. It has been nice to feel like I am starting to laugh almost daily again. I also feel like I have my energy back and have enjoyed waking up feeling refreshed and excited to start a new day, instead of dreading it and just praying for God to get me through it. I am enjoying more social time with friends and family again and learning how to do that without being overwhelmed at the idea of having a child and the full responsibility of having him in my care 24/7. And, though it is still a bit of a struggle, I am learning to reach out and ask for help from time to time. So, I decided this month called for a bit bigger celebration. I told Ethan he was 29 months and that Mommy wanted to celebrate with him the special time we have had together. The conversation went something like this...
Me- Happy 29 months, Ethan!
Ethan- (giggle)
Me- What do you want to do to celebrate?
Ethan-- Hmmm..Go to restaurant?
Me-- Wow! (kind of surprised, but curious) What restaurant?
Ethan-- Red Robin! :-)
Me-- Okay! (This is so funny b/c we have only been there one time quite a long time ago. It must have made an impression on him!)
So, we called up a couple of my spontaneous friends and headed off to Red Robin. To make the evening even more exciting, it just happen to be kids' night at Red Robin on Monday nights. (Who would have known?) So, he got to meet Red Robin, in costume, and loved it. He also got to have an amazing balloon lady make him a HUGE monkey and he got a free milkshake to top it all off. It was a fun night and good for us both to just get out and enjoy some time together and with friends we love.
I have also been thinking a lot about who I was before it all happened. Though my identity, thankfully, was not wrapped up completely in being Rich's wife, that was a big part of who I was. I loved being a wife. There is something very fulfilling in being someone's helpmate. I wanted to be there to support, love, and cherish this man for the rest of my life. I enjoyed leaving him silly notes on the mirror and surprising him at work with lunch and making him cheesy cards and gifts. Honestly, I didn't always love cleaning up after him, but I miss it now. And, I loved being so loved. Rich was SO good at making me feel special. He used to say that he was put on this earth to serve his King (God) and his queen (me). He would probably hate that I am sharing all of the romantic things he used to do, but I want Ethan to know what kind of a man his daddy was and I am so afraid that I may forget them as time goes on. He did, often, treat me like a queen...pampering me so much. I remember that he used to say that he couldn't wait until we had kids. He talked about how he would take them away on Sat. mornings and let that be the day that I could just sleep in or have time to myself to do whatever. Realistically, I knew that could not really happen every Saturday morning, but I know he probably would have tried. On these cold nights, I am reminded of how he would cuddle with me in bed and tell me to put my cold feet under his leg to warm them up. He was always wanting to take care of me and protect me and provide me with anything I needed or wanted. In fact, he was so bad about this, I honestly had to be careful to never say I wanted something, because he would work all the harder just to try and make sure I could have it. He used to spend hours on things just to surprise me for a moment. I'll never forget the surprise party he threw for my 30th birthday. He had a whole list made up for our babysitter (thanks, Kara!) of what things went into which bowls or certain platters, knowing that if I were to host a party I would want to use certain dishes. It was far from how I would have presented it, but because it was presented with so much love, I could not help but think it was the best! It is really hard to go from being someone's wife to suddenly single. I still find myself wanting to pray for him because I so enjoyed doing that. I am starting to think sometimes that I would love to be married again. Yet, I just don't know if I would be ready for this and not sure how to do it again without comparing. I do truly miss the companionship. There have been moments that I have experienced such intense times of loneliness. Yet, I realize that God is using even those moments to draw me closer to Him. I have to rely on Him for my strength and my future because He is really the only one that knows how this little life of mine is going to turn out.
So, for now, I am trying to concentrate on who God wants me to become. I still have SO much to learn and so much growing to do. Yet, I think I can honestly say that I am at a point in my life where I can, as Paul did, rejoice in my sufferings. I thought I had a close relationship with God before all of this happened. Though I still have so far to go, I feel like I am learning more and more what it truly means to have a relationship with Him. I am actually content with where God has me at this point in my life. I have so very much to be thankful for daily. I am also a little more aware of my weaknesses and points in my life where I am vulnerable and needing to be on guard. I want to be quick to let Christ fill my heart and not the things or people around me. Though he does use them so effectively in my life as well, they are really more of a bonus. Without Him, I have nothing! It is encouraging to know that He still has plans for my life and that I can be used in ways to impact eternity. I love the joy and responsibility that comes from being a parent. It is amazing to invest in the life of a child and watch as God develops their faith in Him. It just warms my heart to hear Ethan pray (even if he is just thanking God for Veggie Tales). As I ask him questions after his devotional, it is so amazing how he already seems to know that God loves him. What a mighty God we serve that he can reach out and make a two-year old feel loved by Him! I know that there are still SO many people in this world that don't even know such a God exists and it just breaks my heart. I pray that my heart is forever changed and that if that means that I have to endure even more suffering in the future (which I am sure there is more to come for us all as we live in a sin-filled world) I pray that I will openly accept it knowing that God will grant me the grace to get through it and that it will be used to change my life and many many others' lives for eternity.
I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. ~Philippians 3:10-14
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