The journey continues...

It is hard to know where to start after being away from blogging for SO long. I stepped away for multiple reasons...mostly I just found myself caught up in the busyness of life and didn't feel I had the energy to catch up on one more thing. It was almost overwhelming to know where to begin as God continued to show and teach me things daily in my life. Yet, I also want so desperately for Ethan to see the progress and the way that God continues to work in our lives each step of the way. The other reason was that I had a bit of a "freak out" moment about sharing my heart so openly with the world. It can be hard to be vulnerable with others and yet God has continued to bring me back to verses about the importance of Christian fellowship and sharing your burdens and encouraging one another. Selfishly, I know people are praying for me and that God has used this blog to help others to know how to specifically pray for me and Ethan and, as much as my prideful self wants to do it on my own, I NEED others in my life to help me along the way! So, here I am again! :-)

Where do I begin?! This past month has been full of ups and downs. As I approach a second holiday season without Rich here by my side, I see that I am so much stronger in some ways, and yet, I have a new hurt that eats away at my heart daily as I go to battle against Satan's lies. I am experiencing so much joy in enjoying this season through the eyes of my two and a half year old. It is hard to not enjoy every moment when he is SO excited about every detail. As he looks around with his eyes wide and says, "Christmas everywhere!" it just makes me smile. He is also very excited about making a strawberry birthday cake for Jesus and was asking every day if it was Christmas yet. We made some advent rings and this has helped with containing a few of the never-ending questions. :-) Every day I still feel SO thankful that God blessed me with a child and that I have him by my side to go through this journey together. Most days, he teaches me probably more than I teach him. It is a blessing how God uses children in your life to strip you of your selfish ways and to teach one how to serve. Yet, along with his new love for questions comes so many hard ones to answer...

Lately he has been very obsessed with daddy. It just breaks my heart as he sees other kids with their daddy and then says, "I want a new daddy." The first time he said this, I just stood there with nothing to say until finally God prompted me to remind him that he DOES have a daddy--God--and that He is looking out for him and loves him very much. I am not sure how much that makes sense or if it is too abstract for his mind, but it IS truth and that is all I can give him at this point. He still will often talk about his daddy dying and going to heaven, but lately it has been more of a desire to just want one here and now. It hurts every time he brings it up, but I try to stay positive. He definitely has a need for men in his life. I am very thankful that he does have Godly men that can be around. He is quick to want to imitate their every move and I can see the importance of always choosing wisely whom I do let him spend time with because even at just two and a half, he is very easily influenced by the actions of those men in his life. He still loves his mommy, but that has also become a bit of an issue as he has begun to bring up the fact that his mommy may go to heaven too. Sometimes I wish he wasn't such a thinker. One day he was just sitting there with his hand on his chin and I asked him what he was doing. He said, "I'm thinking." I asked him what he was thinking about and he said, "how much I love my mommy" It was SO sweet! He really is a gift from God! :-)

This past month has been filled with moments like these as I learn how to process grief through the mind of a toddler. It has brought back to the surface some of my own feelings and questions that I thought I had already given up to God and laid at His feet. As Christmas approaches, I very much miss my family unit! I feel a very deep onset of loneliness that can not be filled with time with others, but only by my heavenly Father. As the cards with family pictures arrive, I struggle with wanting so much to have joy for my friends and their growing families. I find myself longing to want to expand my own family, and yet missing a very important person to make that happen. I found myself crying my way through adoption Sunday a couple of weeks ago as I looked at those kids and thought how desperately I would love to give them a home, but knowing I didn't have a complete family unit as it was. I remind myself that God IS faithful and that we may experience that again in our lives, but praying for complete contentment in the moment and where He has us now. There are days that I am SO thankful for where we are at and how FAR God has brought us. I also think sometimes that it would just be too complicated to add that other person in our lives. We are doing quite fine on our own (with the grace of God!).

I have to constantly fill my mind with truth or I am attacked with lies with Satan about my future. I also have learned that I must live day to day and though I have a rough draft written out for how I think my future may go, I realize that God is the editor and may take it in a completely different direction! For now, I am learning what it truly means to let God be my husband and a father to my son. When I let Him, He really DOES meet all of my needs. When I choose to trust Him completely and pour my heart out to Him, He fills my heart back up and allows me to see that ultimately He is the ONLY one that can meet my every need and that He is not going anywhere. I have a new theme verse for my life as I fight against the distractions of this world...my ultimate purpose is to know Him!!

"For my determined purpose is that I may know Him, that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly." Phil 3:10 (AV)

So, as I face another holiday season, my prayer is that I will let HIM fill my heart with joy and not try to use other people or things or events or parties to take His place. He is more than Enough to satisfy me!!

Enough
by Chris Tomlin