I don't know if I have shared about this or not. Considering I have been blogging now about my experiences for a couple years and don't really take time to go back and read what I wrote, this may be some repeat info. But, had to write it down so that I can be sure to have the memories recorded.
Shortly after Rich died, my father gave me a CD of the songs I had chosen to be played at the Memorial services. It is all kind of a blur, but I remember sitting down with Ed Sanderson and my father (on separate occasions) to go over music for the memorial services. I was so overwhelmed by all of the decisions that had to be made in such a short time and was still trying to soak in the fact that my best friend, my husband, the father of my baby was really dead and not coming home. Rich was such a talented musician and absolutely loved music. There was rarely a quiet moment in our house between songs from our iTunes to the radio to him strumming away on the guitar. To be honest, that is one of the things I miss most to this day. Having him come home from work and pick up his guitar and just start playing while I made dinner. It was his way of unwinding from the day and such a pick-me-up for me. It gave him time to come home and have "quiet" time without me bombarding him with words that I needed to use up to get in my daily allowance. :-) Yet, I felt so close to him without even talking and he would often ask me to sing while he played. Oh how I loved that! But, anyway, I was remembering being a bit overwhelmed by the thought of picking the "perfect" songs for the service because I knew there were just SO many that Rich had loved. But, thankfully, God cleared my head and helped me remember some that Rich had specifically mentioned were favorites and even had often enjoyed singing with me and his siblings. One in particular was "There's a Stirring" by Annie Hearing, I believe, but we always sang the Caedmon's Call arrangement. This song was performed at the services by a group of guys, many of whom Rich had been involved in their lives. It was really well done. Other songs that Rich had even mentioned that he would someday want played at his funeral were "It is Well" and I specifically remembered that the first time he heard "Blessed Be Your Name" how much he had loved this song. Every time after we would sing it at church he would have a comment about how much he liked that song and how he wanted it to be true of his life. So, that one immediately stuck out in my head as one we should sing. To this day, every time I hear it, I am encouraged to remember that God's ways are perfect and how we should sing praise to Him in the good and the bad times.
One of the hardest parts of readjusting to life without Rich has been missing his presence. For those people that knew him well, they know that he was such a fun person to be around. He was such an encourager! I tried to not find my significance in Him, but since he has been gone, it has been a real struggle to not hear "I love you" every day and wake up to "Good morning, beautiful!" and have someone there to say goodnight to and pray with, and the list goes on and on. I often use music as a filler in my life to fill the silence. For those of you who know me well, I also am quite the talker and enjoy a good conversation pretty much at all or any time of day or night. :-) So, let's just say, as a result, my child has learned to be quite verbal from a very young age. I would continue to have conversations each morning with my 14 month old talking about the plans for our day just as I would have had with Rich. Now, at the age of three, I often hear my son saying to me or others, "So, how was your day?!" or just about anything to start a conversation. I have also been greatly blessed that he has a carbon image of his daddy's heart. He often tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. I think that God uses him in my life to sometimes even speak directly to me. I am truly blessed to have a son with such a sweet and sensitive heart.
One of the times of day that was most difficult was breakfast time. It was the start of our day and even though I had usually already been awake for a bit and usually already had one round of tears and time on my knees with God by then, I felt like I had to be strong because Ethan was with me with a big smile on his face ready to do one of his favorite things...eat! :-) I knew that it would be hard to not have Rich there day after day seeing him off to work and watching him reluctantly leave his new son whom he loved SOOO much! I remember feeling overwhelmed as I would look at this baby in front of me and think I have to raise this little thing to become a man. What do I even know about men?! I remember practically having a panic attack one morning because I realized that even though I liked to watch basketball, I really didn't know the rules or understand enough to explain it all to Ethan. (football I was ok, but not basketball!) I know it seems crazy, but grief will put you over the edge about silly little things. I just felt so overwhelmed by how I was going to do this on my own. (Side note: Since then, I have not only learned a lot more about basketball :-) but I also have seen God graciously pour into our lives and show me that I am NOT really raising Ethan alone at all!) Anyway, I decided that I must fill our morning silence and began turning on the radio each morning as soon as I stepped into the kitchen.
I would always tune into K-Love because they were supposed to be "encouraging, more music, KLove!" Now, I DO love this station, but have always had a bit of complaint about the ridiculous repetition on songs they play. However, in this case, it was used in our favor. Almost every morning at the time we would sit down for breakfast, "Blessed Be Your Name" would come on. I would often sing along and thank God for the reminder that He truly had not changed and that I could continue to bless His name for who He was and trust that He would take care of us and that He WAS worthy of praise. Ethan learned this song at a very young age because he heard it SO often. In fact, as soon as he was verbal enough, HE started calling it our breakfast song. We were just driving along in the car and it came on and he said, "Hey! That's our breakfast song!" (This was almost a year later) And, in fact, just yesterday...it came on the radio and he said, "They still play our breakfast song!" He also loves it and starts singing along as loud as he can. So, in our house, "Blessed Be Your Name" will always be our "Breakfast Song" just like Ethan so perfectly titled it. It will always be a great reminder to us that we can continue to pour out our praise in the good and bad and that even though our circumstances may change, God NEVER does!
BLESSED BE YOUR NAME
Job 1:20-22
20 Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshiped, 21 And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. 22 In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
God's little reminders...
I'm SO happy we are finally on our way out of a very long winter. I am one of those people that is hugely affected by the amount of vitamin D in my life and has a great need for fresh air! Overall, this winter has been pretty good because at least we got a lot of snow which allowed for lots of outdoor play with distraction from the miserable cold! :-) Thanks to my gym membership I have been able to keep up with releasing the endorphins which also contributes to putting a smile of my face! But, most of all, I have SEEN and felt God work in ways in my life that have been so healing. I have new struggles, some I never thought I would face, but I can also see God using those to mold and shape me and teach me that life is NOT about me and that I am NOT as strong as I may think I am and that I can NOT do this thing called life alone! I must seek Him first and others for accountability and encouragement. Oh to ask for help...ugh! My all-time least favorite thing to do, but am also learning to put my pride aside from time to time and have been SO blessed by the response of my family and dear friends who seem to actually enjoy helping me! ;-) Love how God has surrounded me with people that I look forward to spending eternity with someday!!
Yet, there ARE still times when I am so caught off-guard by how the pain of my loss, my partner, and a real piece of me is SO great and still such a thorn in my side. As I sat at church on Sunday, I listened to our guest speaker talk about Holy Homes and the importance of the roll of a father/husband and I found myself actually getting up to leave as the tears started to fill my eyes. The last thing I wanted to do was start crying right there in church when here I am approaching the 3rd summer anniversary. Three years and I am STILL a mess. What would everyone think?! I know I shouldn't care what everyone else thinks, but it made me think that I must be doing something wrong. Am I just not trusting God enough?! I so want to move forward with my life. I WANT to be married again. There I said it. I have even started praying for God to bring someone into my (our) life. But I am faced with so many doubts. Who would want to marry a widow? I am beginning to make friends with so many new amazing beautiful young single women. Why would someone choose a widow AND someone who has a child (more responsibility) when you could start your life "fresh". I know these are lies, but they are played over and over in my head. So, then I go to the other extreme and just say, "I want to be single for the rest of my life!" Oh the battle of learning to be content RIGHT where God has me here and now! And, honestly, I still miss Rich. Just writing those words bring tears to my eyes. How can one person really deserve to be loved so well TWICE in this lifetime? I miss feeling like we have a "complete" family unit. I have a love/hate relationship with FB because I can hardly look at people's pictures anymore. It just makes me long for something I don't have. I would say I am basically content on a day to day basis until some marriage conference or family event rolls around and smacks me in the face with a big reminder that I don't belong in that category anymore.
Sooooo...what I am saying is that although I HAVE seen God do so so so SO much in my life and has brought (and will continue to bring me!) so far, I do still have a few struggles that I must turn over to Him again and again. I don't want to be consumed by these thoughts. I want to be consumed with Him! "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail." ~Lamentations 3:22
Today as I went for a run (OUTSIDE!!) I put on my iPod and tuned into all of the great worship songs that would fill my mind with truth. As I finished and was stretching, I was just telling God how much I needed Him to remind me that He loved me and that I was not alone in this journey. As I leaned over to stretch, there under the picnic table was a rock shaped just like a heart! I know this probably sounds cheesy, but it was JUST what I needed and I don't think it was any coincidence at all! Then I just continued to have Psalm 18 go through my mind over and over again. I love all of the Psalms, but had no idea at this moment what Psalm 18 even said! So, I went home and read it and was SO encouraged by what I read....
First of all, in my Bible this chapter was titled in bold writing "The Lord is my Rock and my Fortress" I couldn't help but smile as I knew I was about to read some great truth! I got pretty excited and went to get a pen to take some notes! I knew this was going to be good! :-)
If you haven't read it, I recommend it! It begins with David praising God and expressing His love for our Lord! As I researched this part a bit, I discovered that the word for love David uses in this passage means to "yearn for"...a very deep emotional and spiritual connection he is experiencing with God. In fact, the literal Hebrew translation means "to fondle" which implies he is wrapping his arms around God. Giving Him a big hug! I long for that kind of love with God one that I can confidently say I have my arms and heart wrapped around Him and He is hugging me right back! He continues with saying God is "MY rock, MY fortress, MY deliverer, MY God, MY rock, (in whom I take refuge), MY shield, the horn of MY salvation, MY stronghold" God is definitely serving as a helper and a HUGE part of his life! God is the place we must turn for strength and protection for every trial and decision of our lives!! It continues describing God's deliverance in times of trouble! Then David continues to tell why God chooses to deliver...because he delights in us and because he rewards righteousness. The verse from Zephaniah 3:17 popped into my head right away as I read this...
"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
AND, He chose to deliver David because he kept the ways of the Lord...this encouraged my heart to stay true to Him and to just keep on keeping on. :-) Each day is such a blessing to be live for HIM...just sometimes need that reminder!
Oh How He Loves Us!!
Yet, there ARE still times when I am so caught off-guard by how the pain of my loss, my partner, and a real piece of me is SO great and still such a thorn in my side. As I sat at church on Sunday, I listened to our guest speaker talk about Holy Homes and the importance of the roll of a father/husband and I found myself actually getting up to leave as the tears started to fill my eyes. The last thing I wanted to do was start crying right there in church when here I am approaching the 3rd summer anniversary. Three years and I am STILL a mess. What would everyone think?! I know I shouldn't care what everyone else thinks, but it made me think that I must be doing something wrong. Am I just not trusting God enough?! I so want to move forward with my life. I WANT to be married again. There I said it. I have even started praying for God to bring someone into my (our) life. But I am faced with so many doubts. Who would want to marry a widow? I am beginning to make friends with so many new amazing beautiful young single women. Why would someone choose a widow AND someone who has a child (more responsibility) when you could start your life "fresh". I know these are lies, but they are played over and over in my head. So, then I go to the other extreme and just say, "I want to be single for the rest of my life!" Oh the battle of learning to be content RIGHT where God has me here and now! And, honestly, I still miss Rich. Just writing those words bring tears to my eyes. How can one person really deserve to be loved so well TWICE in this lifetime? I miss feeling like we have a "complete" family unit. I have a love/hate relationship with FB because I can hardly look at people's pictures anymore. It just makes me long for something I don't have. I would say I am basically content on a day to day basis until some marriage conference or family event rolls around and smacks me in the face with a big reminder that I don't belong in that category anymore.
Sooooo...what I am saying is that although I HAVE seen God do so so so SO much in my life and has brought (and will continue to bring me!) so far, I do still have a few struggles that I must turn over to Him again and again. I don't want to be consumed by these thoughts. I want to be consumed with Him! "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail." ~Lamentations 3:22
Today as I went for a run (OUTSIDE!!) I put on my iPod and tuned into all of the great worship songs that would fill my mind with truth. As I finished and was stretching, I was just telling God how much I needed Him to remind me that He loved me and that I was not alone in this journey. As I leaned over to stretch, there under the picnic table was a rock shaped just like a heart! I know this probably sounds cheesy, but it was JUST what I needed and I don't think it was any coincidence at all! Then I just continued to have Psalm 18 go through my mind over and over again. I love all of the Psalms, but had no idea at this moment what Psalm 18 even said! So, I went home and read it and was SO encouraged by what I read....
First of all, in my Bible this chapter was titled in bold writing "The Lord is my Rock and my Fortress" I couldn't help but smile as I knew I was about to read some great truth! I got pretty excited and went to get a pen to take some notes! I knew this was going to be good! :-)
If you haven't read it, I recommend it! It begins with David praising God and expressing His love for our Lord! As I researched this part a bit, I discovered that the word for love David uses in this passage means to "yearn for"...a very deep emotional and spiritual connection he is experiencing with God. In fact, the literal Hebrew translation means "to fondle" which implies he is wrapping his arms around God. Giving Him a big hug! I long for that kind of love with God one that I can confidently say I have my arms and heart wrapped around Him and He is hugging me right back! He continues with saying God is "MY rock, MY fortress, MY deliverer, MY God, MY rock, (in whom I take refuge), MY shield, the horn of MY salvation, MY stronghold" God is definitely serving as a helper and a HUGE part of his life! God is the place we must turn for strength and protection for every trial and decision of our lives!! It continues describing God's deliverance in times of trouble! Then David continues to tell why God chooses to deliver...because he delights in us and because he rewards righteousness. The verse from Zephaniah 3:17 popped into my head right away as I read this...
"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
AND, He chose to deliver David because he kept the ways of the Lord...this encouraged my heart to stay true to Him and to just keep on keeping on. :-) Each day is such a blessing to be live for HIM...just sometimes need that reminder!
Oh How He Loves Us!!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
God's Healing Hand!!
Last Sunday I had the privilege of singing again with the worship team from our church. I had tried to join back in with the group about a year ago, but found myself at practice feeling such a tight throat and knew I would be a wreck on Sunday morning. The last thing people needed was to see me breaking down in front of the whole church...what a distraction from leading others into worship. Plus, I was a bit overwhelmed with still managing the single parenthood deal with taking Ethan to practices, and leaving my house at least an hour before his normal waking time. So, I stepped back and prayed over it deciding to try again with the new year. Worship is a very intimate and at times emotional experience, so I was uncertain, but confident that I wanted to be there. I absolutely love singing and feel like it is one of my best ways to connect with my father. I am able to remove all other thoughts from my very busy mind and actually picture myself at His feet pouring my heart out to him in song! However, it is also the one thing that will still sometimes catch me off guard and bring me to tears with no warning! Yet, this past Sunday as I sang through each song opening my heart to Him, I was so encouraged! I can honestly say that I had not even a moment of sadness the whole morning. My mind was able to focus and I felt so full of joy! There are so many memories of leading worship with Rich standing nearby playing the guitar. Yet, I know that he is probably continuing to find so much joy in doing this in heaven with some of the best like Rich Mullins! :-) I left church feeling so grateful for God's continued healing hand in my life. It was a great morning. To top it all off, Ethan did just great with his long five hour morning of being shuffled around. God is SO good!!
I look forward to continuing to be a part of the worship team here on earth and someday in Heaven with all of God's people!!
I look forward to continuing to be a part of the worship team here on earth and someday in Heaven with all of God's people!!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Enough...
A new year = new beginnings! I began this year with a bit of the winter blues (It didn't help that we had record lows and crazy weather that literally snowed us IN). Yet, all that time at home allowed me to think through things and begin to think about the year to come. I'm not much to make resolutions because I hate jumping on the latest band wagon or craze and would rather make long-term life goals. I began to think about how some of my life goals have changed a bit due to the circumstances and direction my life has gone. I am entering year 3 of living my life without the one I promised to love and cherish until death do us part. I still love him and have accepted the fact that a part of me always will. As I visited his grave over Christmas break in TX, the tears still surfaced and my heart just cried out to God once again, "I don't really understand, but I will continue to trust you." I often have to say these words out loud as a reminder to myself that it is ok to hurt, but that I also must choose to accept the life God has given me and trust that He will continue to do great things through me.
I can honestly say that I truly enjoyed my Christmas this year. (This was a first and encouraged me greatly!) I looked forward to being surrounded by family and the many nephews and nieces on my side and being with Rich's family too. It is still hard for me to believe that I am not raising a hand full of kids of my own with my husband by my side. I always dreamed of having a large family and it is just so strange at times when I stop and realize I am a single mom raising a single child. Yet, it feels right and I am truly learning to be content with what God has given me. As I was having a real heart to heart with God out in the pasture in TX over Christmas, I felt like He was saying to me, "Am I enough?!" This past year I was almost just waiting for what was next. I kept thinking maybe He would bring someone into my life so that I could carry on with my life that almost felt like it was put on hold. Everyone around me continued to grow their families and I continued to watch so many couples around me get married. Many people tried to set me up on blind dates or tell me they were praying for me to meet someone. I know they really just have my best interest in mind, but it proved to be a big distraction in my life. That day in the pasture on Jan. 1, 2010, God was reminding me (and has many times again since then) that HE IS ENOUGH! It is almost humorous how many times I have been reminded. I go to church and we sing about His Grace being Enough, "Jesus You're All I Need", etc. I sing songs with Ethan from his kids CDs about God not making mistakes and "I envy no-bo-dy", etc, etc. etc. I open His Word and am bombarded with verses about His perfect plan, His perfect love, and being thankful for what we have. So, as I tucked my sweet boy into bed tonight I told him how thankful I am that God gave Him to me and how much He loves us. He innocently answers, "I know, Mom...He gave us the perfect family--you and me!" God speaks straight through that three year old to my heart SO often! :-)
So, even though I often have to "put my feet on the floor" (as Ethan says some mornings when he greets my by my bed some mornings WAY too early)and choose that I am going to live today with a grateful heart for all I have been given, God rewards me daily for that choice! He truly IS enough! I have let go of some life goals of mine this year. God may still choose to direct my path in a different way some day, but for now, I really am enjoying the path I'm on! I'm letting go of some dreams that I once had. He IS enough and I am learning to really not only survive, but LOVE the life I have once again! How blessed I am to have any child at all! How blessed I am to have AMAZING friends that still reach out to us and take care of so many needs. (I am almost embarrassed that I have the best shoveled driveway on the whole block!) :-) How blessed I am that I have family that loves us and prays faithfully for us! How blessed I am that I have a church that I look forward to going to knowing I will hear truth about my Lord, Savior, and Redeemer and be surrounded by others who want to follow Him too and encourage me in my personal walk with Him! How blessed I am that His GRACE IS enough! I'm looking forward to another year of learning what it means to truly have "Perfect Trust" in Him. Not looking for any person or thing or event to fill me. He fills me perfectly and for that I am so very thankful!
"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!" ~Psalm 118:24
"I will sing of the Lord's great love forever." ~Psalm 89:1
"Great is our Lord and mighty in power." ~Psalm 147:5
"The Lord says, 'Those who hope in me will not be disappointed." ~Isaiah 49:23
"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." ~Psalm 5:3
I can honestly say that I truly enjoyed my Christmas this year. (This was a first and encouraged me greatly!) I looked forward to being surrounded by family and the many nephews and nieces on my side and being with Rich's family too. It is still hard for me to believe that I am not raising a hand full of kids of my own with my husband by my side. I always dreamed of having a large family and it is just so strange at times when I stop and realize I am a single mom raising a single child. Yet, it feels right and I am truly learning to be content with what God has given me. As I was having a real heart to heart with God out in the pasture in TX over Christmas, I felt like He was saying to me, "Am I enough?!" This past year I was almost just waiting for what was next. I kept thinking maybe He would bring someone into my life so that I could carry on with my life that almost felt like it was put on hold. Everyone around me continued to grow their families and I continued to watch so many couples around me get married. Many people tried to set me up on blind dates or tell me they were praying for me to meet someone. I know they really just have my best interest in mind, but it proved to be a big distraction in my life. That day in the pasture on Jan. 1, 2010, God was reminding me (and has many times again since then) that HE IS ENOUGH! It is almost humorous how many times I have been reminded. I go to church and we sing about His Grace being Enough, "Jesus You're All I Need", etc. I sing songs with Ethan from his kids CDs about God not making mistakes and "I envy no-bo-dy", etc, etc. etc. I open His Word and am bombarded with verses about His perfect plan, His perfect love, and being thankful for what we have. So, as I tucked my sweet boy into bed tonight I told him how thankful I am that God gave Him to me and how much He loves us. He innocently answers, "I know, Mom...He gave us the perfect family--you and me!" God speaks straight through that three year old to my heart SO often! :-)
So, even though I often have to "put my feet on the floor" (as Ethan says some mornings when he greets my by my bed some mornings WAY too early)and choose that I am going to live today with a grateful heart for all I have been given, God rewards me daily for that choice! He truly IS enough! I have let go of some life goals of mine this year. God may still choose to direct my path in a different way some day, but for now, I really am enjoying the path I'm on! I'm letting go of some dreams that I once had. He IS enough and I am learning to really not only survive, but LOVE the life I have once again! How blessed I am to have any child at all! How blessed I am to have AMAZING friends that still reach out to us and take care of so many needs. (I am almost embarrassed that I have the best shoveled driveway on the whole block!) :-) How blessed I am that I have family that loves us and prays faithfully for us! How blessed I am that I have a church that I look forward to going to knowing I will hear truth about my Lord, Savior, and Redeemer and be surrounded by others who want to follow Him too and encourage me in my personal walk with Him! How blessed I am that His GRACE IS enough! I'm looking forward to another year of learning what it means to truly have "Perfect Trust" in Him. Not looking for any person or thing or event to fill me. He fills me perfectly and for that I am so very thankful!
"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!" ~Psalm 118:24
"I will sing of the Lord's great love forever." ~Psalm 89:1
"Great is our Lord and mighty in power." ~Psalm 147:5
"The Lord says, 'Those who hope in me will not be disappointed." ~Isaiah 49:23
"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." ~Psalm 5:3
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Here Come the Holidays...
It is that time of year again...the "Most Wonderful Time of the Year". My favorite season is actually fall, winter, spring, and summer. :-) There are just things I love about every season!! Yet, there IS something special about this time of year. There are two ways I can choose to approach the upcoming holidays...
1) With joy and excitement of ALL I have to be thankful for and been given OR
2) With grief and sadness of ALL that is missing
I choose to go with choice #1!! JUST as I sat down to blog tonight, I received such an encouraging email from a friend. It reminded me that God's plan is SO much bigger than I could ever imagine for my life. In it there was a reference to the verse Jeremiah 29:11...one that I have been reminded of a lot lately. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"....BUT it continues..."Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." People often forget the next two verses. These verses are not really about ME at all. They are about GOD! Our whole purpose on this earth is not really about ME, it is about HIM! His plan to prosper me is for HIS glory. YES, I know I have hope and a future...that is made very clear throughout His Word as we look forward to our eternity with Him. My whole purpose on this earth is really just to lead others to His feet; not to mine! When I take the focus off of myself and am reminded of this truth, I am able to choose choice #1 with all of my heart!
There is still loneliness and are moments of deep hurt as I read FB status after FB status of those sweet husbands and new babies. Yet, God didn't say His plan would be free of pain, just free of harm. He does not allow anything to happen in my life that does not fit into His perfect plan. Maybe he brought me into this world with the sole purpose of having me marry Rich and allow me to lose him tragically so that more people would be able to join us all in eternity. There HAS been so much fruit that has come from this all. I know He has and will continue to use me for other purposes as well. But, whatever it may be, I pray that I would be able to seek HIM with all of my heart and learn to perfectly trust Him along the way.
I am SO far from where I would like to be in my journey of Perfect Trust. One would think after God has continued to show Himself to me over and over again, it would be a breeze. But, nope, I STILL have to wake up each morning and choose that I will follow Him. Life is ALL about choices. It comes up in mothering often as I talk to my three year old about "making good choices". I think there are times when I should probably go to "time-out" myself so that I can think through the decisions I have made.
I would like to think that I will get through Thanksgiving and the whole month of December without a single tear. But, realistically, I know that is not going to happen. I still am going to miss Rich. I'm not sure that will ever completely go away. But, I WILL have Holiday Joy! After all, Christmas is, once again, NOT ABOUT US! I am reminded to face the holidays with one of my favorite quotes in mind "Happiness is based on circumstances, but JOY is based on God!" Even in moments of sadness, one can be SO filled with Joy! It never leaves us when we have Christ in our lives...and for THAT, I am SO Thankful!! :-)
Still getting used to my "new normal" a bit, but SO thankful I do have a future here on earth and in eternity with my Jesus! Since I have been blessed with another day, I choose to live it with a thankful heart....
Knowing You
1) With joy and excitement of ALL I have to be thankful for and been given OR
2) With grief and sadness of ALL that is missing
I choose to go with choice #1!! JUST as I sat down to blog tonight, I received such an encouraging email from a friend. It reminded me that God's plan is SO much bigger than I could ever imagine for my life. In it there was a reference to the verse Jeremiah 29:11...one that I have been reminded of a lot lately. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"....BUT it continues..."Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." People often forget the next two verses. These verses are not really about ME at all. They are about GOD! Our whole purpose on this earth is not really about ME, it is about HIM! His plan to prosper me is for HIS glory. YES, I know I have hope and a future...that is made very clear throughout His Word as we look forward to our eternity with Him. My whole purpose on this earth is really just to lead others to His feet; not to mine! When I take the focus off of myself and am reminded of this truth, I am able to choose choice #1 with all of my heart!
There is still loneliness and are moments of deep hurt as I read FB status after FB status of those sweet husbands and new babies. Yet, God didn't say His plan would be free of pain, just free of harm. He does not allow anything to happen in my life that does not fit into His perfect plan. Maybe he brought me into this world with the sole purpose of having me marry Rich and allow me to lose him tragically so that more people would be able to join us all in eternity. There HAS been so much fruit that has come from this all. I know He has and will continue to use me for other purposes as well. But, whatever it may be, I pray that I would be able to seek HIM with all of my heart and learn to perfectly trust Him along the way.
I am SO far from where I would like to be in my journey of Perfect Trust. One would think after God has continued to show Himself to me over and over again, it would be a breeze. But, nope, I STILL have to wake up each morning and choose that I will follow Him. Life is ALL about choices. It comes up in mothering often as I talk to my three year old about "making good choices". I think there are times when I should probably go to "time-out" myself so that I can think through the decisions I have made.
I would like to think that I will get through Thanksgiving and the whole month of December without a single tear. But, realistically, I know that is not going to happen. I still am going to miss Rich. I'm not sure that will ever completely go away. But, I WILL have Holiday Joy! After all, Christmas is, once again, NOT ABOUT US! I am reminded to face the holidays with one of my favorite quotes in mind "Happiness is based on circumstances, but JOY is based on God!" Even in moments of sadness, one can be SO filled with Joy! It never leaves us when we have Christ in our lives...and for THAT, I am SO Thankful!! :-)
Still getting used to my "new normal" a bit, but SO thankful I do have a future here on earth and in eternity with my Jesus! Since I have been blessed with another day, I choose to live it with a thankful heart....
Knowing You
Sunday, November 1, 2009
The Rollercoaster Continues...
Well, I began the month of October full of so much hope for my future and ended it crying out to God for strength to just make it through another day. Life is so full of ups and downs...esp when raising a THREE year old!
To be perfectly honest, today was the most dreadful day! This past week, I have been really struggling with the idea of Ethan growing up without a daddy. I feel like I am cheating him out of so much (not that I chose this life for him OR myself!) I try really hard to wear both the mommy and daddy hat, but often miserably fail. There are moments of great success when I explore the tool box and discover how to use a new tool to fix something or take apart something. I love getting out and getting dirty with Ethan, but I am just very much a mom...it's just who God made me and I can't be a dad for him. The discipline issue is becoming harder and harder as he gets older and smarter and WOW, where did that attitude come from?! I know a lot of these feelings come from just raising a three year old, but I just so wish I could do it WITH someone. It didn't help that I sat through church this morning and the whole service was a guest speaker talking about the importance of the 5th commandment...Honor your Father and Mother...He had to make a point (SEVERAL times!) about how important it is for children to grow up with a father. Yeah, I pretty much fought back the tears the whole service. THEN, I go to pick up my child from Sunday School and get a bad report hearing that he was disrespectful to one of the teachers (my friend, nonetheless) and had a complete meltdown. I was supposed to go to a baby shower, but ended up just dropping the gift off because I didn't want to ruin the shower by breaking down in tears wishing I could also have another baby. Ok, I'm sure this is really just sounding like a big woe is me entry, but I just decided I needed to get it all out. I KNOW God is going to help me through this moment of weakness in my trust in Him. He's brought me through so much before, surely He can get me back up that hill and rejoice in His faithfulness once again.
Ok, ok, let me get my head back on and out of this pit!! Yes, sometimes my life is rough (but who doesn't have those rough spots?!) Sometimes it just outright sucks that I lost my husband and my dream of a family together, but who better to fill that spot than the one who created me and knows every hair on my head? I need to walk in perfect trust that He KNOWS what is best for me and when I need it. Right now, for some crazy reason, He must think that I am enough for Ethan. Even though in my eyes, I can't imagine I am doing enough, I am giving that up to Him. Ultimately, Ethan is really His child anyway!
As I was sitting here, pouring out my thoughts on the computer, I once again was drawn to the two books that sit by my computer and that inspired this whole blog..."Perfect Trust" and my Bible. I stopped and was directed to the story of Elijah. What better story than to prove that I CAN trust God for the impossibilities. The word impossible probably wasn't even in Elijah's vocabulary when it came to God! If he could walk nearly 100 miles through a journey of what I would definitely call "rough times", surely I can make it through this season of my life. I need to remember that God WILL provide for all of my NEEDS. Though there are things that I THINK we need from time to time, God must be thinking otherwise or they would already be in place. THAT I can trust because He has always proved Himself to be faithful. I read this great quote that was a good reminder of that..."Since He took care of our greatest need at Calvary by giving us Christ, then you can be sure He will take care of everything else He considers important for us." So true! I have HIM!! And with Christ, we can do the impossible...even raise a VERY strong-willed three year old boy. :-) So, goodbye lies about children never turning out okay without a father. Goodbye lies that my son will end up in prison (yes, I have actually been fighting that lie! :-) Goodbye lies that Ethan is being raised without a dad...He's got the best dad there is and HE can conquer the impossible!
So even though the headache is still there and the tears are still wanting to fall, I am going to continue to walk with Him and trust HIM to take care of the rest. Yes, He may get to hear an earful from me tonight, but prayer doesn't really change God...it changes US! So, goodnight for now. I have some changing to do!
To be perfectly honest, today was the most dreadful day! This past week, I have been really struggling with the idea of Ethan growing up without a daddy. I feel like I am cheating him out of so much (not that I chose this life for him OR myself!) I try really hard to wear both the mommy and daddy hat, but often miserably fail. There are moments of great success when I explore the tool box and discover how to use a new tool to fix something or take apart something. I love getting out and getting dirty with Ethan, but I am just very much a mom...it's just who God made me and I can't be a dad for him. The discipline issue is becoming harder and harder as he gets older and smarter and WOW, where did that attitude come from?! I know a lot of these feelings come from just raising a three year old, but I just so wish I could do it WITH someone. It didn't help that I sat through church this morning and the whole service was a guest speaker talking about the importance of the 5th commandment...Honor your Father and Mother...He had to make a point (SEVERAL times!) about how important it is for children to grow up with a father. Yeah, I pretty much fought back the tears the whole service. THEN, I go to pick up my child from Sunday School and get a bad report hearing that he was disrespectful to one of the teachers (my friend, nonetheless) and had a complete meltdown. I was supposed to go to a baby shower, but ended up just dropping the gift off because I didn't want to ruin the shower by breaking down in tears wishing I could also have another baby. Ok, I'm sure this is really just sounding like a big woe is me entry, but I just decided I needed to get it all out. I KNOW God is going to help me through this moment of weakness in my trust in Him. He's brought me through so much before, surely He can get me back up that hill and rejoice in His faithfulness once again.
Ok, ok, let me get my head back on and out of this pit!! Yes, sometimes my life is rough (but who doesn't have those rough spots?!) Sometimes it just outright sucks that I lost my husband and my dream of a family together, but who better to fill that spot than the one who created me and knows every hair on my head? I need to walk in perfect trust that He KNOWS what is best for me and when I need it. Right now, for some crazy reason, He must think that I am enough for Ethan. Even though in my eyes, I can't imagine I am doing enough, I am giving that up to Him. Ultimately, Ethan is really His child anyway!
As I was sitting here, pouring out my thoughts on the computer, I once again was drawn to the two books that sit by my computer and that inspired this whole blog..."Perfect Trust" and my Bible. I stopped and was directed to the story of Elijah. What better story than to prove that I CAN trust God for the impossibilities. The word impossible probably wasn't even in Elijah's vocabulary when it came to God! If he could walk nearly 100 miles through a journey of what I would definitely call "rough times", surely I can make it through this season of my life. I need to remember that God WILL provide for all of my NEEDS. Though there are things that I THINK we need from time to time, God must be thinking otherwise or they would already be in place. THAT I can trust because He has always proved Himself to be faithful. I read this great quote that was a good reminder of that..."Since He took care of our greatest need at Calvary by giving us Christ, then you can be sure He will take care of everything else He considers important for us." So true! I have HIM!! And with Christ, we can do the impossible...even raise a VERY strong-willed three year old boy. :-) So, goodbye lies about children never turning out okay without a father. Goodbye lies that my son will end up in prison (yes, I have actually been fighting that lie! :-) Goodbye lies that Ethan is being raised without a dad...He's got the best dad there is and HE can conquer the impossible!
So even though the headache is still there and the tears are still wanting to fall, I am going to continue to walk with Him and trust HIM to take care of the rest. Yes, He may get to hear an earful from me tonight, but prayer doesn't really change God...it changes US! So, goodnight for now. I have some changing to do!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Oh no, He'll never let go!!
Wow! SO much has happened in my life since my last post. Organizing my thoughts and sharing all that is on my heart may be hard to do in writing. I am going to do my best to sum up the events of my life and share some continued "God moments" as He continues to bless me abundantly and remind me that He has a hand in every detail of my life!!
First of all, I just LOVE to share the miraculous ways that God continues to care for Ethan and me. Seriously, I just can't get ahead of Him...though every part of my earthly body wants to take moments to worry or fret about finances or future plans for my life, HE has not allowed that to happen because He is always one step ahead of me laying out every detail so clearly and giving me not a moment to doubt His amazing provision. One example of his miraculous work in my life came with a notice from my mortgage company. About a month and a half ago, I received a letter saying that there was a mistake made with my escrow payments and that I was going to owe an extra eighty-some dollars a month to cover the costs in my mortgage payments. Well, this immediately caused a little concern because I live on a very tight budget that just does not allow for an extra eighty-some dollars to be spent each month. It said the payment adjustments would be made starting in Sept. I knew I would be gone most of the month of Sept and would not be able to work extra days or find little jobs to supplement this cost while I was away. I did not really worry about it though. For some reason, I set it aside and remembered to pray about it, but just knew He would provide somehow!! I didn't even mention this to anyone, because I didn't want others worrying about it or jumping in to help me out. (I have already had SO much done for me!) A couple of weeks later, as I was getting ready for bed, I pulled out a book that had been packed in my travel bag called "God is in Control". I had not looked at this book for a couple of weeks, but remembered something in it that I wanted to read. When I opened up the book, all kinds of bills from 100s to 50s to 10s to 1s fell out coming to a total of $1008 dollars!! I was just in shock. I could not imagine where this money had come from. I started to rack my brain for any explanation. I HAD left my travel bag in my car for a few days, but could not imagine anyone would put that kind of cash in an unlocked car! Anyway, I was just so shocked about the amount of money and that there was actually cash in my book that I didn't make the connection until the NEXT day. There on my dining room table was the notice. I picked it up and added up $84 times 12 months....it came to exactly $1008. I know that God often uses His people to supply our needs, but I was STILL in shock and to this day can not figure out where the money came from...possibly straight from the hand of God!! So, once again, He proved to me that He has me right where I need to be and that He WILL take care of my needs!
Another HUGE blessing came in the opportunity to trust God with my life and the life of my son as I traveled overseas on a short-term trip to teach English and share my life with my students. It was a big step of faith to leave Ethan, but I felt like this was not an opportunity I could pass up. I knew he would be well cared for and loved in the hands of his grandparents. He is a very secure child who has never faced separation anxiety (a HUGE blessing!!) and so I felt confident in leaving him for this period of time. Again, I was not sure what others would think and if I should even ask for support. But, I took a chance and sent out some letters to let others know what I was planning to do. I figured if this was not in God's plan for my life He would make it obvious and just not provide a way for me to get there. Well, the support was amazing! I had the money raised to go in less than two weeks! People were asking to give and to pray that I had not even sent letters to about my trip. And my trip was beyond amazing!! I have a whole new perspective on how to pray more specifically for the Muslim culture and the workers that are living there. I had the opportunity to share my life, my hurts, and my hope with some of my students. Thankfully, I was able to hand my friendships over to other believers that will be there for the entire year so that the seeds planted may blossom into changed lives for eternity!! I will continue to pray by name for each of these girls and hope to someday greet their beautiful faces at the gates of heaven! I was able to see more pain and feelings of worthlessness than I have ever seen in the insecurity of girls here. I had a girl actually cry in my class as she shared that her dream was "to be a boy because then my life would have purpose." I pray she truly heard truth when I talked with her later and just told her that God did not make a mistake when he created her and that He knew every hair on her head and loved her perfectly just the way she was made! I hope someday she will hear that He even sent His son, Jesus, to die for HER!
When I got home, it was so good to reconnect with Ethan, my family, and friends. My son loves to sing and a new song I often hear him belting out around the house is, "Oh no, He'll never let go...through the calm and through the storm...Oh no, He'll never let go...every high and every low...He'll never let go of me." How TRUE this song is and how FAITHFUL God has proved Himself to be over and over again in MY life and my son's life. It was good to have time away and time to myself. Even though I was busy in a foreign land with the purpose of teaching and praying for opportunities to share and for others to just SEE Jesus in me, I was also able to reflect a LOT on my life over the past two years. WOW, what a journey I have been through. Yet, I can honestly say, that He NEVER LET GO!
I feel more confident in who I am in Christ than I have ever felt before. I KNOW that He is in charge of every detail of my life and that He continues to have great plans for me and my future. I hope to have MANY opportunities to share about Him with others. But my heart is especially soft to the idea of sharing with others who may have had NO opportunity to know about Him and maybe not even the freedom to hear about Him. Not sure where He is leading me and Ethan with our future...but I am going to continue to pursue opportunities to serve Him wherever He has me...whether it be here in the States or overseas. For a while, I was so hurt and just surviving to really see clearly enough to think about my future. But now, I see SO many opportunities and can honestly say I am EXCITED again about my life and what is to come! It is SO amazing how God can use our greatest tragedies to grow us closer to Him and to USE us for HIS glory!! What joy it brings me to be used for HIM. Life is such an adventure and I LOVE adventure. I know that there will be more tragedy and hurt in my future, but I also know that HE already knows it is there and will NEVER let go! I pray that He will continue to refine me and bring me through whatever is to come as pure gold. It's all about perspective! We ALL have our hurts and our joys. But without Christ, that is all they are...hurts and temporary spurts of relief. WITH Christ, they are hurts that can be healed and used to change us to be more like Him and to draw others TO Him. There are Joys that are continuous and that never leave us because HE never leaves us!! What a privilege it IS to be a child of God and to have the honor of serving Him.
And, oh the mystery and excitement of what is to come!! :-)
"And the Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your desire with good things, and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters fail not." ~Isaiah 58:11
First of all, I just LOVE to share the miraculous ways that God continues to care for Ethan and me. Seriously, I just can't get ahead of Him...though every part of my earthly body wants to take moments to worry or fret about finances or future plans for my life, HE has not allowed that to happen because He is always one step ahead of me laying out every detail so clearly and giving me not a moment to doubt His amazing provision. One example of his miraculous work in my life came with a notice from my mortgage company. About a month and a half ago, I received a letter saying that there was a mistake made with my escrow payments and that I was going to owe an extra eighty-some dollars a month to cover the costs in my mortgage payments. Well, this immediately caused a little concern because I live on a very tight budget that just does not allow for an extra eighty-some dollars to be spent each month. It said the payment adjustments would be made starting in Sept. I knew I would be gone most of the month of Sept and would not be able to work extra days or find little jobs to supplement this cost while I was away. I did not really worry about it though. For some reason, I set it aside and remembered to pray about it, but just knew He would provide somehow!! I didn't even mention this to anyone, because I didn't want others worrying about it or jumping in to help me out. (I have already had SO much done for me!) A couple of weeks later, as I was getting ready for bed, I pulled out a book that had been packed in my travel bag called "God is in Control". I had not looked at this book for a couple of weeks, but remembered something in it that I wanted to read. When I opened up the book, all kinds of bills from 100s to 50s to 10s to 1s fell out coming to a total of $1008 dollars!! I was just in shock. I could not imagine where this money had come from. I started to rack my brain for any explanation. I HAD left my travel bag in my car for a few days, but could not imagine anyone would put that kind of cash in an unlocked car! Anyway, I was just so shocked about the amount of money and that there was actually cash in my book that I didn't make the connection until the NEXT day. There on my dining room table was the notice. I picked it up and added up $84 times 12 months....it came to exactly $1008. I know that God often uses His people to supply our needs, but I was STILL in shock and to this day can not figure out where the money came from...possibly straight from the hand of God!! So, once again, He proved to me that He has me right where I need to be and that He WILL take care of my needs!
Another HUGE blessing came in the opportunity to trust God with my life and the life of my son as I traveled overseas on a short-term trip to teach English and share my life with my students. It was a big step of faith to leave Ethan, but I felt like this was not an opportunity I could pass up. I knew he would be well cared for and loved in the hands of his grandparents. He is a very secure child who has never faced separation anxiety (a HUGE blessing!!) and so I felt confident in leaving him for this period of time. Again, I was not sure what others would think and if I should even ask for support. But, I took a chance and sent out some letters to let others know what I was planning to do. I figured if this was not in God's plan for my life He would make it obvious and just not provide a way for me to get there. Well, the support was amazing! I had the money raised to go in less than two weeks! People were asking to give and to pray that I had not even sent letters to about my trip. And my trip was beyond amazing!! I have a whole new perspective on how to pray more specifically for the Muslim culture and the workers that are living there. I had the opportunity to share my life, my hurts, and my hope with some of my students. Thankfully, I was able to hand my friendships over to other believers that will be there for the entire year so that the seeds planted may blossom into changed lives for eternity!! I will continue to pray by name for each of these girls and hope to someday greet their beautiful faces at the gates of heaven! I was able to see more pain and feelings of worthlessness than I have ever seen in the insecurity of girls here. I had a girl actually cry in my class as she shared that her dream was "to be a boy because then my life would have purpose." I pray she truly heard truth when I talked with her later and just told her that God did not make a mistake when he created her and that He knew every hair on her head and loved her perfectly just the way she was made! I hope someday she will hear that He even sent His son, Jesus, to die for HER!
When I got home, it was so good to reconnect with Ethan, my family, and friends. My son loves to sing and a new song I often hear him belting out around the house is, "Oh no, He'll never let go...through the calm and through the storm...Oh no, He'll never let go...every high and every low...He'll never let go of me." How TRUE this song is and how FAITHFUL God has proved Himself to be over and over again in MY life and my son's life. It was good to have time away and time to myself. Even though I was busy in a foreign land with the purpose of teaching and praying for opportunities to share and for others to just SEE Jesus in me, I was also able to reflect a LOT on my life over the past two years. WOW, what a journey I have been through. Yet, I can honestly say, that He NEVER LET GO!
I feel more confident in who I am in Christ than I have ever felt before. I KNOW that He is in charge of every detail of my life and that He continues to have great plans for me and my future. I hope to have MANY opportunities to share about Him with others. But my heart is especially soft to the idea of sharing with others who may have had NO opportunity to know about Him and maybe not even the freedom to hear about Him. Not sure where He is leading me and Ethan with our future...but I am going to continue to pursue opportunities to serve Him wherever He has me...whether it be here in the States or overseas. For a while, I was so hurt and just surviving to really see clearly enough to think about my future. But now, I see SO many opportunities and can honestly say I am EXCITED again about my life and what is to come! It is SO amazing how God can use our greatest tragedies to grow us closer to Him and to USE us for HIS glory!! What joy it brings me to be used for HIM. Life is such an adventure and I LOVE adventure. I know that there will be more tragedy and hurt in my future, but I also know that HE already knows it is there and will NEVER let go! I pray that He will continue to refine me and bring me through whatever is to come as pure gold. It's all about perspective! We ALL have our hurts and our joys. But without Christ, that is all they are...hurts and temporary spurts of relief. WITH Christ, they are hurts that can be healed and used to change us to be more like Him and to draw others TO Him. There are Joys that are continuous and that never leave us because HE never leaves us!! What a privilege it IS to be a child of God and to have the honor of serving Him.
And, oh the mystery and excitement of what is to come!! :-)
"And the Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your desire with good things, and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters fail not." ~Isaiah 58:11
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