When I learned on Thursday that my grandma had passed away, I was surprised by the tears that came on so suddenly after I hung up the phone with the news. This had been expected and in some ways, even wanted by my grandma herself. She was a woman with such a deep love for her Savior. This was often expressed in her music or words that she would write in letters to her family. She had lost my grandpa six years before and her heart was ready to join him and her Lord in heaven. She was ready to be made perfect. She had already experienced many strokes. Yet, her body continued to stay strong and she would amazingly recover and continued to play the piano until a week before she died. When she was brought to Topeka, exactly a month before her death, the doctors had said it would not be long. We were SO blessed to get quality time with her. She recovered better than they ever thought possible from the bleeding around her brain. She was able to write a letter to each of her children and even her fifteen grandchildren. My father (her eldest son) was able to be at her side and write letters as she dictated to other family and even the Manor where she had spent the last years of her life. EVERY child and grandchild was able to come to Topeka in this time and spend some time at her side. She died peacefully and even rather quickly. It was what most people would say to be the ideal way to die. Yet, as I entered the church to attend the funeral on Sunday, I felt anything but peace.
My emotions were ALL over the place today. I was actually happy for my grandma that she had lived a full life and was now experiencing the joy of being in the presence of God. There was also so much joy in my heart as I was surrounded by the people that I love so dearly. As the hugs began, the tears began to form. I tried SO hard to fight them, but it was too late. As the floodgates opened, it was hard to stop. I felt guilty that my tears were only a little for my grandma, and mostly for Rich. There were just so many bittersweet memories. I had shared some very special moments with Rich at the bedside of my grandpa before he had died. I also remember so vividly singing with Rich as he played the guitar at my grandpa's funeral. AND, there were the times we were able to make it up to the tiny town of Miltonvale to attend my grandma's small church of Senior Citizens. She was so sweet and overly praised our efforts when we would sing for their "special" on Sunday mornings. She also took the time and GREAT effort to write me letters after Rich had died to offer encouragement and love as she could relate first hand what it felt like to lose the love of her life. Her words would always direct me to our FIRST love--Christ and remind me that we would soon be reunited. My grandma dying seemed to make sense. Not having Rich there to be by my side through it all did not make any sense at all. The natural order of life was all messed up.
It was not only him not being there that was hard, but the memories of his own funeral began to surface. All of these feelings that I thought I had dealt with and let go were stirring back up. I began to fight the urge to walk out of the church and keep myself from letting the tears turn into sobbing. Death has forever taken on a whole new and very personal meaning to me. Even though I could rejoice in the fact that my Grandma was in heaven, I could not help but think that a part of me wished it were me. To be done with the sufferings of this world and the daily battle of learning to trust over and over again. Ahhh, how I look forward to those days.
The hardest part about the day was struggling with my feelings of "if only". I was just wishing I had the opportunity to tell Rich good-bye that I had with my grandma. If only I had been able to have even one minute with him. If only he had died of some illness where I could have been at his side and spent precious moments praying with him and telling him how much I loved him over and over again. I HATE, just hate that he was pulled away from me so suddenly. I know it would have been hard to watch him die slowly, but selfishly, I want those days. Even though I have never enjoyed the "viewing" of a body at a funeral (because really it is just an empty shell), I wish others had been able to have the opportunity to look at more than just a picture of Rich. There just seems like there is no closure. I wonder what his last thoughts were or if he even had the chance to realize this was the end.
This funeral brought back SO much pain. I am exhausted from it all. I just want it to all go away and for my life to begin again. There are days that things are going so well and I can focus on my purpose here on earth and trust God completely with my life and heart. And then, there are days like this. Will it ever go away? Am I going to live fifty more years with this knot in my stomach that continues to resurface whenever a memory is triggered? Most days I feel like I am moving forward and doing well with it all. But then there is another "first", and I start all over again.
I will choose, yet again, to trust Him with my life and my future. Even though, on a day like this, it looks quite dismal, I know there is hope in Him! One of my Grandma's favorite passage in her last days was Psalm 91. It is one that I have marked in my book of paraphrased Psalms. It says...
That one whose faith is focuse on God,
Who finds security in Him,
Does not have to live in fear.
He is not left untouched by the tempests of this life,
And he may be wounded by the onslaughts of evil,
But his great God does not leave him to suffer these things alone.
The Lord cares for His own and delivers him even in the midst of the conflicts that plague him
If God is truly your God,
You do not have to be afraid of the enemy that threatens or the affliction that lays you low.
Men all about you may fall, never to rise again,
But the Lord is by your side to raise you to your feet and to lead you to ultimate victory.
Even in the ministering spirits of His invisible world are watching over you.
They will not allow anything to hurt you except by God's loving permission and through His eternal concern.
Our loving God has promised it:
"Because My child loves Me, I will never let him go.
I shall feel the pain of his wounds and bear his hurt and shall transform that which is ugly into that which enriches and blesses.
And when he cries out in agony, I shall hear and answer him.
I will be close to him and will deliver him,
and I will grant him eternal life."
I need to use truth in my life daily to fight the lies that creep into my head. This morning as I was out running, I almost had a panic attack as my mind wondered into the "what ifs" of my future. I started questioning whether I had enough love for God to handle it if I were to lose even more precious people in my life. For a brief moment, I thought about losing Ethan. Would I trust God enough with that as well? I remember Rich and I discussing the possibility and how we had to hold him at arm's length remembering that he was not really ours, but that he belonged to God. We loved him with all of our hearts, but also looked at him as a gift on loan to us. I thought it would break my heart, but with God's strength I could handle losing him if that was His will. When Rich died, I remember thinking, I don't think I ever thought about Rich being on loan to me the way I did Ethan. Why didn't I pray that over him as well? I was NOT big enough to handle losing him, but God WAS! As I stopped to pray, I realized that as much as I tried to control my life, I was in much better hands allowing God to take charge. So, even though I don't know how I could ever face another sudden loss in my life, I am taking it one day at a time. I choose NOT to live my life in fear of the "what ifs". I pray that I would embrace the truths of Psalm 91 in my life.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Looking Up!
I feel like "looking up" is a message that God is continually placing in my life from all kinds of sources. Sometimes I can be a bit of a slow learner and so God has to pound the idea into my head from all different directions. :-)
I was very encouraged by all I have been learning in my Bible Study this past week. I always come away from our weekly sessions feeling refreshed as well. It is amazing to me how God's Word is always ready to teach us something new. The part that is most fascinating is how God uses it to reach us all on such an individual and intimate level. I love listening to what others are learning from the study during our sharing time. We all studied the same material, and yet God uses it so uniquely in each of our lives. What an amazing God we serve! We joked a bit this morning about how our calendars are often so full, but we can only imagine what God's calendar must look like! :-)
One of the points Beth Moore talked about in the study this week was our focus and how where we are looking greatly affects our outlook on life. To be exact she said, "Where we look- where we genuinely fasten our gaze- amid continual life challenges has a tremendous impact on how we feel." "Where I look -> What I hear -> What I feel -> What I expect"
I was reminded that no matter how much of a routine I follow and even if that routine includes spending time with God, if my whole heart is not looking to Him, my attitude and life will not change. I must take my eyes OFF of my circumstances and put them ON Him!
Then, as my week continued I could not believe how many times I heard the song by Brandon Heath on K-Love "Give me Your Eyes". It was a good reminder of how I need to be viewing life--through my Father's eyes and not my own. My own are so clouded by my own selfish needs and desires at times. When I focus on ME or even on OTHERS, I find myself feeling either sorry for myself or even, at times, envious of others. THEN, when I think about how God sees us and our real purpose here on this earth--not to focus on my problems, but to lead others to HIM---I am reminded, once again, to look up!
Also, this morning as we walked into Bible Study, our facilitator, Sara, had taped dollar bills to the ceiling and had change on the floor. It was an illustration that often we get too caught up in the nickels and dimes of life to notice the dollars in our life. If we would just look past the little problems and look up to God, those little things would not seem like such a big deal.
This morning I was reading from a book called "Daily Splashes of Joy" by Barbara Johnson. She is a great author and speaker who has been through SO much tragedy of her own. I have always been one that has sought out books on joy and living a joy-filled life. Overall, I am usually a pretty happy person. I remember once in high school, having a girl ask me, "Why are you always so happy?" What a great opportunity it gave me to tell her where my true source of joy was found. One of the hardest things I have struggled with through losing Rich is finding that joy in the midst of the pain. I want so badly to be genuine and real, and yet being sad or even miserable at times is not what I want others to see. I want my life to continue to be a reflection of Christ. I realize that sadness and joy can co-exist, but it is a complicated matter!
When we were first married, Rich and I used to love just spending time reading together. Actually we were reading our own books, but would just enjoy them in each others' presence. I would often stop and share something I was learning or something funny and he would do the same. (Though I have to admit, I would interrupt him much more than he would interrupt me!)
One of my favorite books by Barbara Johnson is called "Stick a Geranium in Your Hat and Be Happy." Rich thought it was a ridiculous title, but would laugh when he would see me giggling over something in it. Whenever I was in a bad mood or just a bit grouchy about something he would say, "You need to go stick a daisy or carnation or whatever in your hat." It would always make me laugh because he could never get it right and it was a good reminder that I needed to change my attitude. This morning as I was reading, Barbara was referring to problems in our lives. I love the way she phrased it and so am going to share the whole thing...
This pretty much sums up the process I went through this past year. I think I am still a bit between the learning and turning process. AND, at times, I step back into the yearning. I want to look UP! I know this is what will pull me through so that I can completely TURN it over to God. I can say with my words, "Whatever, Lord!" But deep in my heart, I still cling to people in my life that I think I could not bare to lose. It is almost as if I feel like I have done my fair share of suffering for my lifetime. Yet, I know that is not up to me to decide and I KNOW there is more suffering ahead. So, my prayer is that I can give it all up to Jesus and truly mean it with my whole heart. The quote at the bottom of this entry was "Sorrow looks back. Worry looks around. Faith looks up." There we go again with the looking up! I think that after a week of so many reminders, I have learned that God desires for me to look completely to Him. It is easy, at times, for me to go to friends or family with my issues. I know God uses others in my life to fill a need and even give me wise counsel, but it is HE that I must look to first! After all, He is the only one that knows ALL... "Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." (John 13:7)
I can just imagine the spiritual battle between my Lord and Satan that may have taken place the night of Rich's death. Satan thought he would win the battle by taking a life. Yet, as Paul so eloquently put it, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Phil. 1:21 Rich didn't lose out on anything! He has escaped the sufferings of this world. AND, I can only begin with the amazing impact his death has had on the lives of so many! The battle is not over, but I refuse to let Satan get my life too. I refuse to drown myself in my sorrows. I will continue to look up. God KNEW that HE was big enough and strong enough to get me through this and that He would be glorified!
Thank you, Lord, for reminding me (even if you had to do it several times and will have to do it several more) to look up! Thank you so much for leaving us with your precious Word so that we may continue to learn more about you as we learn to trust you completely with our lives.
I was very encouraged by all I have been learning in my Bible Study this past week. I always come away from our weekly sessions feeling refreshed as well. It is amazing to me how God's Word is always ready to teach us something new. The part that is most fascinating is how God uses it to reach us all on such an individual and intimate level. I love listening to what others are learning from the study during our sharing time. We all studied the same material, and yet God uses it so uniquely in each of our lives. What an amazing God we serve! We joked a bit this morning about how our calendars are often so full, but we can only imagine what God's calendar must look like! :-)
One of the points Beth Moore talked about in the study this week was our focus and how where we are looking greatly affects our outlook on life. To be exact she said, "Where we look- where we genuinely fasten our gaze- amid continual life challenges has a tremendous impact on how we feel." "Where I look -> What I hear -> What I feel -> What I expect"
I was reminded that no matter how much of a routine I follow and even if that routine includes spending time with God, if my whole heart is not looking to Him, my attitude and life will not change. I must take my eyes OFF of my circumstances and put them ON Him!
Then, as my week continued I could not believe how many times I heard the song by Brandon Heath on K-Love "Give me Your Eyes". It was a good reminder of how I need to be viewing life--through my Father's eyes and not my own. My own are so clouded by my own selfish needs and desires at times. When I focus on ME or even on OTHERS, I find myself feeling either sorry for myself or even, at times, envious of others. THEN, when I think about how God sees us and our real purpose here on this earth--not to focus on my problems, but to lead others to HIM---I am reminded, once again, to look up!
Also, this morning as we walked into Bible Study, our facilitator, Sara, had taped dollar bills to the ceiling and had change on the floor. It was an illustration that often we get too caught up in the nickels and dimes of life to notice the dollars in our life. If we would just look past the little problems and look up to God, those little things would not seem like such a big deal.
This morning I was reading from a book called "Daily Splashes of Joy" by Barbara Johnson. She is a great author and speaker who has been through SO much tragedy of her own. I have always been one that has sought out books on joy and living a joy-filled life. Overall, I am usually a pretty happy person. I remember once in high school, having a girl ask me, "Why are you always so happy?" What a great opportunity it gave me to tell her where my true source of joy was found. One of the hardest things I have struggled with through losing Rich is finding that joy in the midst of the pain. I want so badly to be genuine and real, and yet being sad or even miserable at times is not what I want others to see. I want my life to continue to be a reflection of Christ. I realize that sadness and joy can co-exist, but it is a complicated matter!
When we were first married, Rich and I used to love just spending time reading together. Actually we were reading our own books, but would just enjoy them in each others' presence. I would often stop and share something I was learning or something funny and he would do the same. (Though I have to admit, I would interrupt him much more than he would interrupt me!)
One of my favorite books by Barbara Johnson is called "Stick a Geranium in Your Hat and Be Happy." Rich thought it was a ridiculous title, but would laugh when he would see me giggling over something in it. Whenever I was in a bad mood or just a bit grouchy about something he would say, "You need to go stick a daisy or carnation or whatever in your hat." It would always make me laugh because he could never get it right and it was a good reminder that I needed to change my attitude. This morning as I was reading, Barbara was referring to problems in our lives. I love the way she phrased it and so am going to share the whole thing...
"There are several steps in the process of giving a problem completely to God. You take your first step when life rises up to knock you flat- you CHURN. You feel as if your insides are full of knives chopping you up in a grinder. Your next step is to BURN. That's right, you want to kill the one who caused your pain, and then you want to kill yourself. You literally feel as if you're burning up inside.
In your third step, you YEARN. Oh, you want so much for things to change. You yearn for the happy past, and this stage often lasts the longest of all. But then you take the next step: You LEARN. You talk with others, perhaps find a support group, and you learn that you're in a long growth process. The wonderful result is that you relieve your own pain.
And finally, you take your last step. You TURN. You turn your problem over to the Lord completely by saying, 'Whatever, Lord! Whatever you bring into my life, You are strong enough to get me through it.'"
In your third step, you YEARN. Oh, you want so much for things to change. You yearn for the happy past, and this stage often lasts the longest of all. But then you take the next step: You LEARN. You talk with others, perhaps find a support group, and you learn that you're in a long growth process. The wonderful result is that you relieve your own pain.
And finally, you take your last step. You TURN. You turn your problem over to the Lord completely by saying, 'Whatever, Lord! Whatever you bring into my life, You are strong enough to get me through it.'"
This pretty much sums up the process I went through this past year. I think I am still a bit between the learning and turning process. AND, at times, I step back into the yearning. I want to look UP! I know this is what will pull me through so that I can completely TURN it over to God. I can say with my words, "Whatever, Lord!" But deep in my heart, I still cling to people in my life that I think I could not bare to lose. It is almost as if I feel like I have done my fair share of suffering for my lifetime. Yet, I know that is not up to me to decide and I KNOW there is more suffering ahead. So, my prayer is that I can give it all up to Jesus and truly mean it with my whole heart. The quote at the bottom of this entry was "Sorrow looks back. Worry looks around. Faith looks up." There we go again with the looking up! I think that after a week of so many reminders, I have learned that God desires for me to look completely to Him. It is easy, at times, for me to go to friends or family with my issues. I know God uses others in my life to fill a need and even give me wise counsel, but it is HE that I must look to first! After all, He is the only one that knows ALL... "Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." (John 13:7)
I can just imagine the spiritual battle between my Lord and Satan that may have taken place the night of Rich's death. Satan thought he would win the battle by taking a life. Yet, as Paul so eloquently put it, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Phil. 1:21 Rich didn't lose out on anything! He has escaped the sufferings of this world. AND, I can only begin with the amazing impact his death has had on the lives of so many! The battle is not over, but I refuse to let Satan get my life too. I refuse to drown myself in my sorrows. I will continue to look up. God KNEW that HE was big enough and strong enough to get me through this and that He would be glorified!
Thank you, Lord, for reminding me (even if you had to do it several times and will have to do it several more) to look up! Thank you so much for leaving us with your precious Word so that we may continue to learn more about you as we learn to trust you completely with our lives.
You Alone
(David Crowder Band)
You are the only one I need
I bow all of me at your feet
I worship You alone
You have given me more than
I could ever have wanted
And I want to give you my heart and my soul
You alone are Father
You alone are Good
You alone are Savior
You alone are God
I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive!
(David Crowder Band)
You are the only one I need
I bow all of me at your feet
I worship You alone
You have given me more than
I could ever have wanted
And I want to give you my heart and my soul
You alone are Father
You alone are Good
You alone are Savior
You alone are God
I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive! I'm alive!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
My Pilgrimage
I am beginning to see that Mothering very closely parallels my spiritual pilgrimage. There have been so many lessons that I learn just by watching my son as he learns what we call "appropriate behavior". In the midst of a tantrum or complete melt down, even in my exhaustion, there are times I find myself almost laughing at how God must feel very similar to how I feel when he looks at me. I feel like I have had my own share of tantrums or melt downs as he looks over me just shaking His head saying, "I love you child, but you just need to listen or you just need to trust me." I know the feeling of being a disappointed parent, even hurt by my child's actions when he chooses outright defiance instead of choosing to obey. I see the way that it hurts him and keeps him from getting what he ultimately wants. The only thing that is missing from my equation is that I am one very imperfect parent and my God is the Perfect parent and giver of love, patience, acceptance, and has complete control!! How I wish, at times, I could be that kind of parent to my son (esp. the having complete control part!) ;-) Yet, I am SO thankful that I DO have my Lord to go to for direction and that ultimately, my son is accountable to Him! I pray daily (often several times a day) that Ethan will come to know what it means to know Jesus personally at a young age and that He will grow into a man that loves him with all of his heart, strength, and mind!
We have continued to have a week of ups and downs in the world of parenting. Yet, there has been a significant change in his behavior since Monday! Sunday started out as a pretty miserable day (my birthday of all days), with Ethan tired from another busy weekend. It had been almost an entire month since he had taken a nap on any kind of a consistent basis, though I refused to give up hope that I could at least expect him to be in his bed quietly for at least an hour of "rest time". He loves to look at books and would have probably sat somewhere else in the house at any OTHER time of day for nearly an hour looking at books or doing puzzles if I had asked him. But, the nap time had become an all-out battle between us... a time of day that we had both begun to dread. Sunday was no different, except that I was SO tired and really desired to take a nap myself. He was in his room refusing to stay in his bed screaming out and banging his feet against the wall, yet again. I was at a breaking point, and just laid down on my bed face flat and cried out to God, "I cannot do this anymore! Please give me the strength to love him as only you can love him." I cried and cried and began feeling extremely sorry for myself instead of taking every thought captive. I began thinking of how different my birthday would have been had Rich been here. I began thinking of how I did not want to be a single mom. I started doubting that it was possible to do this well as my mind wandered into the many fears of my future that had not even taken place. My imagination began to run wild at the thought of a rebellious teenager growing up without a dad and a mom who was working too many hours to be involved in his life, but knowing I had to pay the bills. I started resenting the fact that I was now responsible for everything and all I ever wanted was to be a mom and a wife. I was never one that was overly driven to have a high power career. I just wanted a simple life where I could devote my whole attention to my family. I was willing to sacrifice the "extras" in life knowing that it could be tight living on one salary, but desiring to be home to devote my whole heart and time to my husband and my children. I knew they would be exhausting and wearing at times, but I also knew I had married an amazing man who knew when and how to step in and give me a break from my unpaid full-time job. Where had this dream gone?!!! I am too much of a "realist" to think that this was going to be an easy life and one not full of ups and downs, but THIS was not what I was picturing when I thought of the downs of life. I remember getting married thinking that I would love this man for better or for worse and really meaning it. The only problem is, he is not here to help me through the "worse". He knew me better than anyone on this earth and as I lay there crying, I remember saying to God, "Will I ever laugh again until my sides hurt?" Yes, I have a deep, inner joy, and even contentment at times, but I feel like I am always carrying around this reminder with me that sorrow is just around the corner. I don't know how to let go of it without completely letting go of my love for Rich. Like a friend of mine said, "It is a difficult balance between loving and remembering Rich and moving on with my life".
The good news is that my birthday did not end on this note of misery. I actually had a friend completely call me out on feeling sorry for myself. Wow! It takes a good friend to be able to do that! As soon as I read her email, I was reminded of a quote from Barbara Johnson (someone who has experienced quite a bit of grief of her own!) In this life "pain is inevitable, but misery is optional". This is so true. We do live in a fallen world and are surrounded by tragedy, but we must choose to live a life of obedience...taking every thought captive and choosing to trust Christ with our lives. He DOES have the big picture in His hands and though I may never know (I have to learn to accept this every day over and over again) why my journey takes this direction, I will choose to trust God with it and trust that He will also work out the impossible details of somehow fulfilling the desires of my heart while keeping me within His perfect plan!
I read this verse in a Beth Moore Study...she goes on to explain
"When life gets hard or we simply feel 'worn to a frazzle,' as my grandmother would say, it's time to take a deep breath and remind ourselves this place is not our home. We're just passing through on our way to a heavenly Kingdom. We are pilgrims here. The supply of 'strength to strength' implies the demand. In other words, as long as we're here, we're going to need it. And as long as we need it, God's going to supply it."
As I look back over my life and the trials that I have experienced, God has never failed to draw me closer to Him through them all. He ALWAYS is faithful to pull me through them and provide the grace I need in the moment. This is the first one that has been so hard to get pulled through. I suppose it is because there are so many layers in it all. Just when I get through one part of my grief, another part begins to peel away. I keep thinking that maybe I am not "getting better", but I think maybe I am just taking my time to soak it all in. Another thing that is so different about this trial in my life is that it has affected the life of every person that is close to me in my life and even those that I may have never known. And, it is just beginning to affect my son. This is the most difficult part for me. Tonight as we sat down for dinner, completely out of nowhere he said, "Daddy coming home?" It took me by complete surprise. All I could say was, "Daddy is not able to come home, sweetheart. Do you miss him?" He, of course responded "okay" (which means yes is his vocabulary). I said, "I do too." That was all I could get out. It is strange how the mind of a two year old works. I know something must have triggered it, but I didn't want to push the issue. I realize there is SO much more of this to come. Yet, once again, I think that may be why God is allowing me to get through all of these layers now so that I am better equipped to deal with the other issues later. I do have faith that He will provide me with the strength and words to lovingly show my son that we serve a Sovereign God who loves us and has our best in mind even when it doesn't make sense to us.
On a positive note, my pilgrimage through Motherhood took a good turn this week. On Monday, Ethan finally stayed in his bed and rested. Tuesday and Wed. he actually slept during nap time and today, even though he did not sleep, he did have some "rest time". Though I realize that our "phases" of twos, threes, and fours are just beginning, it is so nice to know that they truly do come in phases. Like childbirth, there are moments in between the pain to breathe, and prepare for the next phase of pain. I can deal with it all just knowing that there is hope and that the "contraction" is not going to be never ending! That is true even with our spiritual pilgrimage. There are some pretty bad contractions along the way, but the reward in the end of our labor/journey is SO rewarding and worth every bit of the pain!
We have continued to have a week of ups and downs in the world of parenting. Yet, there has been a significant change in his behavior since Monday! Sunday started out as a pretty miserable day (my birthday of all days), with Ethan tired from another busy weekend. It had been almost an entire month since he had taken a nap on any kind of a consistent basis, though I refused to give up hope that I could at least expect him to be in his bed quietly for at least an hour of "rest time". He loves to look at books and would have probably sat somewhere else in the house at any OTHER time of day for nearly an hour looking at books or doing puzzles if I had asked him. But, the nap time had become an all-out battle between us... a time of day that we had both begun to dread. Sunday was no different, except that I was SO tired and really desired to take a nap myself. He was in his room refusing to stay in his bed screaming out and banging his feet against the wall, yet again. I was at a breaking point, and just laid down on my bed face flat and cried out to God, "I cannot do this anymore! Please give me the strength to love him as only you can love him." I cried and cried and began feeling extremely sorry for myself instead of taking every thought captive. I began thinking of how different my birthday would have been had Rich been here. I began thinking of how I did not want to be a single mom. I started doubting that it was possible to do this well as my mind wandered into the many fears of my future that had not even taken place. My imagination began to run wild at the thought of a rebellious teenager growing up without a dad and a mom who was working too many hours to be involved in his life, but knowing I had to pay the bills. I started resenting the fact that I was now responsible for everything and all I ever wanted was to be a mom and a wife. I was never one that was overly driven to have a high power career. I just wanted a simple life where I could devote my whole attention to my family. I was willing to sacrifice the "extras" in life knowing that it could be tight living on one salary, but desiring to be home to devote my whole heart and time to my husband and my children. I knew they would be exhausting and wearing at times, but I also knew I had married an amazing man who knew when and how to step in and give me a break from my unpaid full-time job. Where had this dream gone?!!! I am too much of a "realist" to think that this was going to be an easy life and one not full of ups and downs, but THIS was not what I was picturing when I thought of the downs of life. I remember getting married thinking that I would love this man for better or for worse and really meaning it. The only problem is, he is not here to help me through the "worse". He knew me better than anyone on this earth and as I lay there crying, I remember saying to God, "Will I ever laugh again until my sides hurt?" Yes, I have a deep, inner joy, and even contentment at times, but I feel like I am always carrying around this reminder with me that sorrow is just around the corner. I don't know how to let go of it without completely letting go of my love for Rich. Like a friend of mine said, "It is a difficult balance between loving and remembering Rich and moving on with my life".
The good news is that my birthday did not end on this note of misery. I actually had a friend completely call me out on feeling sorry for myself. Wow! It takes a good friend to be able to do that! As soon as I read her email, I was reminded of a quote from Barbara Johnson (someone who has experienced quite a bit of grief of her own!) In this life "pain is inevitable, but misery is optional". This is so true. We do live in a fallen world and are surrounded by tragedy, but we must choose to live a life of obedience...taking every thought captive and choosing to trust Christ with our lives. He DOES have the big picture in His hands and though I may never know (I have to learn to accept this every day over and over again) why my journey takes this direction, I will choose to trust God with it and trust that He will also work out the impossible details of somehow fulfilling the desires of my heart while keeping me within His perfect plan!
"Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca (baca means tears or weeping)
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
They go from strength to strength,
til each appears before God in Zion...
O Lord Almighty,
blessed is the man who trusts in you."
(Psalm 84: 5-7,12)
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca (baca means tears or weeping)
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
They go from strength to strength,
til each appears before God in Zion...
O Lord Almighty,
blessed is the man who trusts in you."
(Psalm 84: 5-7,12)
I read this verse in a Beth Moore Study...she goes on to explain
"When life gets hard or we simply feel 'worn to a frazzle,' as my grandmother would say, it's time to take a deep breath and remind ourselves this place is not our home. We're just passing through on our way to a heavenly Kingdom. We are pilgrims here. The supply of 'strength to strength' implies the demand. In other words, as long as we're here, we're going to need it. And as long as we need it, God's going to supply it."
As I look back over my life and the trials that I have experienced, God has never failed to draw me closer to Him through them all. He ALWAYS is faithful to pull me through them and provide the grace I need in the moment. This is the first one that has been so hard to get pulled through. I suppose it is because there are so many layers in it all. Just when I get through one part of my grief, another part begins to peel away. I keep thinking that maybe I am not "getting better", but I think maybe I am just taking my time to soak it all in. Another thing that is so different about this trial in my life is that it has affected the life of every person that is close to me in my life and even those that I may have never known. And, it is just beginning to affect my son. This is the most difficult part for me. Tonight as we sat down for dinner, completely out of nowhere he said, "Daddy coming home?" It took me by complete surprise. All I could say was, "Daddy is not able to come home, sweetheart. Do you miss him?" He, of course responded "okay" (which means yes is his vocabulary). I said, "I do too." That was all I could get out. It is strange how the mind of a two year old works. I know something must have triggered it, but I didn't want to push the issue. I realize there is SO much more of this to come. Yet, once again, I think that may be why God is allowing me to get through all of these layers now so that I am better equipped to deal with the other issues later. I do have faith that He will provide me with the strength and words to lovingly show my son that we serve a Sovereign God who loves us and has our best in mind even when it doesn't make sense to us.
On a positive note, my pilgrimage through Motherhood took a good turn this week. On Monday, Ethan finally stayed in his bed and rested. Tuesday and Wed. he actually slept during nap time and today, even though he did not sleep, he did have some "rest time". Though I realize that our "phases" of twos, threes, and fours are just beginning, it is so nice to know that they truly do come in phases. Like childbirth, there are moments in between the pain to breathe, and prepare for the next phase of pain. I can deal with it all just knowing that there is hope and that the "contraction" is not going to be never ending! That is true even with our spiritual pilgrimage. There are some pretty bad contractions along the way, but the reward in the end of our labor/journey is SO rewarding and worth every bit of the pain!
My God is faithful. That I know! And I will trust Him with what I don't. God never promised us answers in this lifetime, but He did promise treasures to the seeker: (Beth Moore)
"I will give you the treasures of darkness,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the Lord,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name."
(Isa. 45:3)
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the Lord,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name."
(Isa. 45:3)
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Choosing Life!
I have begun blogging so many times this past week, and yet I have not had the chance to complete my thoughts or the energy to put the thoughts in my head into writing. I feel as if I am in a constant battle daily and it is wearing me down. We ARE in a spiritual battle and I KNOW I must prepare myself by putting on the full armor of God. (Eph. 6:11-12) Yet, I still have days where I feel I am losing the battle as I feel myself being sucked into the trap of being stuck in my grief. This is NOT the place I want to be! I want to be free of this. I am learning in the Psalms, that it is okay to cry out to God with our worries and woes, but then I am to let HIM take control of them. That is the part I feel as if I am only able to do from time to time and then I feel like I am right back where I began. How frustrating it is to be facing the SAME challenges over and over. It is more than frustrating...it is just plain exhausting!!
Tomorrow is my father-in-law's last day of work at Boeing. They are having a retirement party tomorrow evening in his honor. I think there was a part of Rich that was looking forward to this day almost as much as his own dad. My in-laws plan to move to Texas and retire on the family ranch. Rich was SO looking forward to helping out his dad and had been taking time to read and research all about raising cattle. He had even started a notebook on all of his findings. It was his hope that same day, way down the road, we may also retire and then take over the family ranch. I was never sure that I would be in love with this idea, but I was willing to go wherever he went! Even though this should be a celebration, it just breaks my heart that Rich is not here to celebrate it with his dad. He was really close to his dad in the way that Rich longed for Ethan to grow up being close to him. All of the siblings used to tease Rich because of the way he would sometimes imitate his dad and his likes or dislikes. Yet, as you stepped back to look at the whole picture, you could just see a son who admired his dad. I know that there was a mutual respect between the two of them. Rich's dad is a man of few words, but the times he did speak to Rich or write him a letter, the words were so filled with love and respect. I am thrilled that Ethan will have the opportunity to grow up with his Granddad in his life, but at the same time, torn apart that his dad is not here to be with him daily and have that same kind of relationship with his own son.
They say the second year of grieving is supposed to be easier. I can say that there is a part of that statement that is true. The moments of heart wrenching pain come less frequently and are less intense. I do not find myself taken by surprise nearly as often. (Though there are still moments that I will find myself tearing up without warning.) Yet, there is a deeper onset of just sadness that I feel has taken over my heart. I also am experiencing intense loneliness. It is so hard to battle because filling up my schedule or being around other people does not suffice to take away my loneliness. In fact, sometimes it just makes it worse because then I am exhausted on top of the loneliness. I try so hard to fill my mind with truth and spend time with my Lord, and yet even that can leave me feeling unsatisfied. Or worse, I feel guilty for it not meeting all of my needs and feel like a failure in my relationship with Him. Most of the time, God does speak to my heart through His Word, but often I have been experiencing a lot of the same...Trust Me, Be patient, Wait, Know that I have Your Best in my plans for you, Trust Me!
I have had the hardest month with Ethan. As I looked back over the calendar tonight, I realized that YES, nearly a month has passed that I have been dealing with the same issue...a battle of the wills. My son has decided that he does NOT need to have a rest time in the afternoon and his mommy has decided that he WILL have a rest time every day! I should be happy that today he actually stayed IN his bed for a whole hour. Though he never held still long enough to actually fall asleep, he at least stayed in his bed and did not climb up the side of his wardrobe, flip over his glider chair, or take the closet doors off their rollers. I SHOULD be happy that he actually stayed in bed, but instead I am just exhausted. Those precious two hours I used to have every day to get things done or to maybe actually rest myself have been transferred to my evening after he has gone to bed. This means that from about 1-7 every day we are experiencing a lot of turmoil at my house from no napping to all out break downs and tantrums throughout the evening. He usually is begging to go to bed by about 6:30, but this does not usually work due to our evening activities. There have been many a moment when I have cried out to God, "I can't do this alone! He needs a daddy and I need a husband. I need the reinforcement. I need the encouragement. I need the break. I just need a hug and someone coming home telling me they love me and that I AM a good mommy." I have read ALL the books, sought advice from all of my expert mommy friends, and even outside counseling. No one seems to know the answer. Overall, he is a good kid and obeys well during the morning hours. I love him so dearly and just want what is best for him. I realize he would maybe be doing all of this even if Rich were in his life, but for some reason, it just seems like it would be easier to deal with then. I KNOW I am just pouring out a long "woe is me" blog and feel kind of foolish for even being so open and honest with my little daily dealings. The problem is that these daily dealings are wearing me out enough that I feel as if I have nothing left to give. There are SO many people in my life that I want to be doing things for and serving and loving on. Yet, I feel like I am an empty vessel without much to give. When I soak in my time with God, I feel like it is drained from me slowly throughout the day until I finally fall into bed at night with a sigh and a "Thank you, Lord, for helping me through one more day." just to get up in the morning and start it all over again.
Yet, somehow, even in the midst of all of this daily turmoil that stirs around in my head (the questions, the what ifs, the how is this going to work), God provides me with a peace that passes all understanding as I believe He is somehow going to pull me through this experience and make me stronger and more like Him in the process! I don't really have a clue how He is going to do that, but if anyone can make something good come out of something so tragic, I believe He can!
Tomorrow is my father-in-law's last day of work at Boeing. They are having a retirement party tomorrow evening in his honor. I think there was a part of Rich that was looking forward to this day almost as much as his own dad. My in-laws plan to move to Texas and retire on the family ranch. Rich was SO looking forward to helping out his dad and had been taking time to read and research all about raising cattle. He had even started a notebook on all of his findings. It was his hope that same day, way down the road, we may also retire and then take over the family ranch. I was never sure that I would be in love with this idea, but I was willing to go wherever he went! Even though this should be a celebration, it just breaks my heart that Rich is not here to celebrate it with his dad. He was really close to his dad in the way that Rich longed for Ethan to grow up being close to him. All of the siblings used to tease Rich because of the way he would sometimes imitate his dad and his likes or dislikes. Yet, as you stepped back to look at the whole picture, you could just see a son who admired his dad. I know that there was a mutual respect between the two of them. Rich's dad is a man of few words, but the times he did speak to Rich or write him a letter, the words were so filled with love and respect. I am thrilled that Ethan will have the opportunity to grow up with his Granddad in his life, but at the same time, torn apart that his dad is not here to be with him daily and have that same kind of relationship with his own son.
They say the second year of grieving is supposed to be easier. I can say that there is a part of that statement that is true. The moments of heart wrenching pain come less frequently and are less intense. I do not find myself taken by surprise nearly as often. (Though there are still moments that I will find myself tearing up without warning.) Yet, there is a deeper onset of just sadness that I feel has taken over my heart. I also am experiencing intense loneliness. It is so hard to battle because filling up my schedule or being around other people does not suffice to take away my loneliness. In fact, sometimes it just makes it worse because then I am exhausted on top of the loneliness. I try so hard to fill my mind with truth and spend time with my Lord, and yet even that can leave me feeling unsatisfied. Or worse, I feel guilty for it not meeting all of my needs and feel like a failure in my relationship with Him. Most of the time, God does speak to my heart through His Word, but often I have been experiencing a lot of the same...Trust Me, Be patient, Wait, Know that I have Your Best in my plans for you, Trust Me!
I have had the hardest month with Ethan. As I looked back over the calendar tonight, I realized that YES, nearly a month has passed that I have been dealing with the same issue...a battle of the wills. My son has decided that he does NOT need to have a rest time in the afternoon and his mommy has decided that he WILL have a rest time every day! I should be happy that today he actually stayed IN his bed for a whole hour. Though he never held still long enough to actually fall asleep, he at least stayed in his bed and did not climb up the side of his wardrobe, flip over his glider chair, or take the closet doors off their rollers. I SHOULD be happy that he actually stayed in bed, but instead I am just exhausted. Those precious two hours I used to have every day to get things done or to maybe actually rest myself have been transferred to my evening after he has gone to bed. This means that from about 1-7 every day we are experiencing a lot of turmoil at my house from no napping to all out break downs and tantrums throughout the evening. He usually is begging to go to bed by about 6:30, but this does not usually work due to our evening activities. There have been many a moment when I have cried out to God, "I can't do this alone! He needs a daddy and I need a husband. I need the reinforcement. I need the encouragement. I need the break. I just need a hug and someone coming home telling me they love me and that I AM a good mommy." I have read ALL the books, sought advice from all of my expert mommy friends, and even outside counseling. No one seems to know the answer. Overall, he is a good kid and obeys well during the morning hours. I love him so dearly and just want what is best for him. I realize he would maybe be doing all of this even if Rich were in his life, but for some reason, it just seems like it would be easier to deal with then. I KNOW I am just pouring out a long "woe is me" blog and feel kind of foolish for even being so open and honest with my little daily dealings. The problem is that these daily dealings are wearing me out enough that I feel as if I have nothing left to give. There are SO many people in my life that I want to be doing things for and serving and loving on. Yet, I feel like I am an empty vessel without much to give. When I soak in my time with God, I feel like it is drained from me slowly throughout the day until I finally fall into bed at night with a sigh and a "Thank you, Lord, for helping me through one more day." just to get up in the morning and start it all over again.
Yet, somehow, even in the midst of all of this daily turmoil that stirs around in my head (the questions, the what ifs, the how is this going to work), God provides me with a peace that passes all understanding as I believe He is somehow going to pull me through this experience and make me stronger and more like Him in the process! I don't really have a clue how He is going to do that, but if anyone can make something good come out of something so tragic, I believe He can!
"I am confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord. "
(Psalm 27:13-14)
So even though I don't always feel God's presence, I know it! I may have days where I don't want to go on, but I can ask Him to give me the strength to want to want to go on!
I am at a new place in my grieving process. One where I must constantly CHOOSE to go on with my life and let his mercies greet me each morning with a smile. Rich will always have a special place in my heart, and I am forever changed for having had him in my life. Yet, I am at a new place now where I will miss him, but I cannot let myself keep going back to that place of darkness that consumes me with hurt and sadness. I have to set my eyes on Jesus and the hope that He gives me for my future. Plans to prosper and not harm me. I know there WILL be more heartaches that may come my way, and the thought of that, honestly, quite frightens me. But, I also know that I cannot live a life of fear or cling to the hurts of my past. I want others to see that my identity is in Christ and not in my grief.
"I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life." (Deut. 30:19-20)
This has become my new theme verse! The Lord is my life and when I think about what that really means, the trivial day to day things seem to wash away. My hardships and hurts are still there, but they are there to shape and mold me, NOT to destroy me.
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord. "
(Psalm 27:13-14)
So even though I don't always feel God's presence, I know it! I may have days where I don't want to go on, but I can ask Him to give me the strength to want to want to go on!
I am at a new place in my grieving process. One where I must constantly CHOOSE to go on with my life and let his mercies greet me each morning with a smile. Rich will always have a special place in my heart, and I am forever changed for having had him in my life. Yet, I am at a new place now where I will miss him, but I cannot let myself keep going back to that place of darkness that consumes me with hurt and sadness. I have to set my eyes on Jesus and the hope that He gives me for my future. Plans to prosper and not harm me. I know there WILL be more heartaches that may come my way, and the thought of that, honestly, quite frightens me. But, I also know that I cannot live a life of fear or cling to the hurts of my past. I want others to see that my identity is in Christ and not in my grief.
"I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life." (Deut. 30:19-20)
This has become my new theme verse! The Lord is my life and when I think about what that really means, the trivial day to day things seem to wash away. My hardships and hurts are still there, but they are there to shape and mold me, NOT to destroy me.
"What shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?...
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered. No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God, that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 8:31, 35-39
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered. No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God, that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 8:31, 35-39
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Emotional Trauma!!
This past week has been full of emotional trauma. Most of it has been played out in my son's life, but there has been a bit of it boiling within me and even displayed in public as I broke down in tears walking into MOPS this morning. I absolutely hate crying in public. It is not really the fear of everyone knowing that I don't have it all together (I think that is pretty much out there by now!). It is more of just feeling like I am being selfish and taking away from others as they run to my aid. Deep down I know that these people just care and want to be there for me, but I guess I just wonder if they know that I would do the same for them. Why is it that we all always apologize for crying as if it is really doing something wrong to feel badly enough about something that it brings us to tears? I do it! Everyone I know does it. Is it just a habit? I know I felt completely bad as soon as I lost it and started apologizing right away. I guess I feel like I am causing others to be concerned and I feel selfish for that reason. Yet, I also know that the reason I cried this morning is because I had been holding in so much from my week and I was walking into a room full of women that I love and I also know that many of them love me. It just brought me to tears as soon as someone asked how I was doing. I could not lie. I was not doing so well. I had tried to talk it over with God this morning and thought I had it all resolved and was trusting Him with it all, but in reality, I was SO far from trusting Him. Here is that trust thing again...oh the journey of learning to have complete and perfect trust!
My week began (as you read earlier) with my Grandmother being flown into Topeka due to a fall and bleeding on her brain. She was tested, treated, and released to Hospice to basically die. Even though she had lived a "full-life", the thought of losing her was hard for me to take. However, she has taken a miraculous change for the better. Even though the doctors are saying she will still probably not make it to Christmas, she is able to understand, communicate and even played the piano a few days this week! She at one time asked, "How long does it take to die?" She is aware that her heart is giving out and that it is a struggle to breath, but she is also so at peace about dying. What a difference Christ makes in one's life! She has begun singing with family as they visit and often asks to sing "Soon and very Soon". What a blessing it is to watch God work through her life to the very end and to ALL have a chance to say our good-byes. Even with the good news, it has still taken a bit of a toll on me emotionally just revisiting the thought of death and being even a bit envious that my Grandma will be in heaven so soon. I recently read in an email devotional about my heart being forever changed for eternity.
"The Bible says that God has set eternity in our hearts. To long for a better place is not a vain hope or delusion. You were made for eternity, and because of this, you can never be fully satisfied until you get to heaven."
Yet, I long to LIVE my life here and now for eternity. For some reason, God has allowed me to be here and to continue to live my life here on earth and I want to live it in a way that pleases him and prepares me for my life with Him.
"Life here really is a dress rehearsal for the world to come. A person who embraces the world to come and lives in light of it has his whole world radically re-altered. He looks at people differently. He looks at money differently. Looks at the things around his life differently. Looks at his own self differently."
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." ~Eccl. 3:11
The thoughts from this devotional came at just the right time. I have had so many thoughts of eternity this week and wanting to just experience complete peace in God's presence. It was encouraging to know that these are natural longings, but also good to be reminded that I DO have a life to live here and now and a purpose for being here according to God's plan. It kind of goes along with that whole cliche, "God is not finished with me yet". It is true. He still has much to accomplish in my life here in this sin-filled world and He is preparing me, shaping and molding me for my eternity with him.
"We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed...Therefore, we do not lose heart... My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
~II Cor. 4:7-9, 16; 12:9
I have to admit that there were several moments this week where I felt in despair, but it was at those moments that I was forgetting to pray. It is amazing how sufficient God truly is in our lives! There are times that even after prayer, I may not have felt immediate goodness, but God would direct me to where I needed to go. I had to reach out to others this week for help in raising my son. I felt like a failure, but was so distraught over what to do. I was SO encouraged when I reached out. I often forget to do this. I get so busy with the day to day and just trying to survive that I forget there are so many others who have also been through emotional trauma like I was facing. This may seem like a small thing to some of you, but if you have TRULY been face to face with a strong-willed child, you will feel my pain!
The thing that has been the hardest this past week was watching my sweet, compliant child turn into a tyrant! It was as if someone just flipped a switch and said, "time to see that your child has another side". I also felt like a new me was appearing as my child would throw himself into fits of rage kicking and screaming "No!" As I would try to give him two choices, the once "milk please" answer turned into "No milk! No water!" and then two seconds later "Milk, No milk, Milk! Milk! Milk!" I watched the behavior grow worse as he absolutely refused to nap for five days in a row. It was painful to give up my time to get things done or, heaven forbid, rest a bit myself as I would put him back into his bed over and over again. He would lay in his bed kicking his feet as hard as he could against the wall until my neighbor (I live in a townhouse) actually called to make sure everything was okay. I should have said, "No. Would you like to watch my child while I go outside and scream?!" :-) After five days of naptime battles, my child finally had a fit like I had never seen turning bright red and sweating from all of the energy put into it. Finally after 20 minutes, (I told him he could come see me when he was done as I waited outside his room making sure he didn't hurt himself!) he came to me and said, "hold me". I held him and rocked him and he was sound asleep in less than a minute! He slept last night from about 5:45 until 8:00 this morning! I actually had to wake him. Today there were still a few "moments", but I am trying so hard to stay consistent. Though he did not sleep, I was able to be patient and calm while we tried a new nap time routine. (This was due to the prayer of my friends!) I was often reminded of myself and my relationship with God as I thought over our week. There was a moment that I was cooking supper and Ethan wanted to pull up a chair beside me and immediately began to reach for the burner and hot pan. I told him no! and immediately moved his chair away explaining this was not safe and mommy was protecting him from getting hurt. I tried to busy him with another project, but he was SO mad that I would not let him help. An empty pot and spoon on the floor just didn't cut it. I tried many distractions, but the tears kept flowing. I remember telling him he just needed to trust mommy and that I loved him and wanted to keep him safe. I immediately wondered how many times I must appear this way to God; reaching for something or wanting something for my life that would harm me. I cry out to God like a child thinking it isn't fair or crying because I want something that He is just not ready for me to have. He is probably telling me the same thing- "Trust me child. I love you and want to protect you. I want the best for you!" I pull my chair up next to Him, and instead of just listening and trusting Him, I want answers now! The emotional trauma that I am experiencing could all be let go of if I could just learn how to have that perfect trust!
As my week continued, I was faced with more bad news of people in my life having medical tests reveal not good information. Though there are no answers right now of the outcome, I just wanted to cry. Could I really handle losing three more people that I dearly love in the next year? Did God really know what He was asking of me? One of my best friends from college was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is so young! It won't be until Monday that I hear for sure what stage she is in, but it is just so hard to watch her worry and suffer being so far away from family and the friends that care for her so dearly! With this news and the news of another loved one in my life having a mass of quite possibly cancer on her kidney just about did it for me emotionally this week.
On top of it all (though quite comical as I look back) I injured my back through a series of events. It was SO bad that I was hardly able to walk and was not able to sit at my computer for several days. It is amazing how much pain a pinched sciatic nerve can cause! I was feeling like I was about 80 years old this week trying to take care of my not so easy toddler and watching my house get dirtier and dirtier and realizing there was nothing I could do about it and just hoping no one would drop by just to say "hi!"
As I look back over my week, I can definitely see how God was at work refining me, molding me, and pulling me back up out of the pit of despair. My desire is that I can always be on the lookout for moments of joy even in the midst of bad news and that I would seek first His kingdom! I want my life here and now to be one that trusts God through the ups and downs, not just with my head, but also my heart!
"I am quiet now before the Lord, just as a child who is weaned from the breast. Yes, my begging has been stilled. O Israel, you too should quietly trust in the Lord - now and always."
~Psalm 131:2-3
The very fire that blackens my horizons warms my soul. The darkness that oppresses my mind sharpens my vision. The flood that overwhelms my heart quenches my thirst. The thorns that penetrate my flesh strengthen my spirit. The grave that buries my desires deepens my devotion. Man's failure to comprehend this intention of God is one of life's true calamities.
~James Means
A Tearful Celebration
God WILL be seen even in my weakness. For that, I am so very grateful!!
My week began (as you read earlier) with my Grandmother being flown into Topeka due to a fall and bleeding on her brain. She was tested, treated, and released to Hospice to basically die. Even though she had lived a "full-life", the thought of losing her was hard for me to take. However, she has taken a miraculous change for the better. Even though the doctors are saying she will still probably not make it to Christmas, she is able to understand, communicate and even played the piano a few days this week! She at one time asked, "How long does it take to die?" She is aware that her heart is giving out and that it is a struggle to breath, but she is also so at peace about dying. What a difference Christ makes in one's life! She has begun singing with family as they visit and often asks to sing "Soon and very Soon". What a blessing it is to watch God work through her life to the very end and to ALL have a chance to say our good-byes. Even with the good news, it has still taken a bit of a toll on me emotionally just revisiting the thought of death and being even a bit envious that my Grandma will be in heaven so soon. I recently read in an email devotional about my heart being forever changed for eternity.
"The Bible says that God has set eternity in our hearts. To long for a better place is not a vain hope or delusion. You were made for eternity, and because of this, you can never be fully satisfied until you get to heaven."
Yet, I long to LIVE my life here and now for eternity. For some reason, God has allowed me to be here and to continue to live my life here on earth and I want to live it in a way that pleases him and prepares me for my life with Him.
"Life here really is a dress rehearsal for the world to come. A person who embraces the world to come and lives in light of it has his whole world radically re-altered. He looks at people differently. He looks at money differently. Looks at the things around his life differently. Looks at his own self differently."
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." ~Eccl. 3:11
The thoughts from this devotional came at just the right time. I have had so many thoughts of eternity this week and wanting to just experience complete peace in God's presence. It was encouraging to know that these are natural longings, but also good to be reminded that I DO have a life to live here and now and a purpose for being here according to God's plan. It kind of goes along with that whole cliche, "God is not finished with me yet". It is true. He still has much to accomplish in my life here in this sin-filled world and He is preparing me, shaping and molding me for my eternity with him.
"We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed...Therefore, we do not lose heart... My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
~II Cor. 4:7-9, 16; 12:9
I have to admit that there were several moments this week where I felt in despair, but it was at those moments that I was forgetting to pray. It is amazing how sufficient God truly is in our lives! There are times that even after prayer, I may not have felt immediate goodness, but God would direct me to where I needed to go. I had to reach out to others this week for help in raising my son. I felt like a failure, but was so distraught over what to do. I was SO encouraged when I reached out. I often forget to do this. I get so busy with the day to day and just trying to survive that I forget there are so many others who have also been through emotional trauma like I was facing. This may seem like a small thing to some of you, but if you have TRULY been face to face with a strong-willed child, you will feel my pain!
The thing that has been the hardest this past week was watching my sweet, compliant child turn into a tyrant! It was as if someone just flipped a switch and said, "time to see that your child has another side". I also felt like a new me was appearing as my child would throw himself into fits of rage kicking and screaming "No!" As I would try to give him two choices, the once "milk please" answer turned into "No milk! No water!" and then two seconds later "Milk, No milk, Milk! Milk! Milk!" I watched the behavior grow worse as he absolutely refused to nap for five days in a row. It was painful to give up my time to get things done or, heaven forbid, rest a bit myself as I would put him back into his bed over and over again. He would lay in his bed kicking his feet as hard as he could against the wall until my neighbor (I live in a townhouse) actually called to make sure everything was okay. I should have said, "No. Would you like to watch my child while I go outside and scream?!" :-) After five days of naptime battles, my child finally had a fit like I had never seen turning bright red and sweating from all of the energy put into it. Finally after 20 minutes, (I told him he could come see me when he was done as I waited outside his room making sure he didn't hurt himself!) he came to me and said, "hold me". I held him and rocked him and he was sound asleep in less than a minute! He slept last night from about 5:45 until 8:00 this morning! I actually had to wake him. Today there were still a few "moments", but I am trying so hard to stay consistent. Though he did not sleep, I was able to be patient and calm while we tried a new nap time routine. (This was due to the prayer of my friends!) I was often reminded of myself and my relationship with God as I thought over our week. There was a moment that I was cooking supper and Ethan wanted to pull up a chair beside me and immediately began to reach for the burner and hot pan. I told him no! and immediately moved his chair away explaining this was not safe and mommy was protecting him from getting hurt. I tried to busy him with another project, but he was SO mad that I would not let him help. An empty pot and spoon on the floor just didn't cut it. I tried many distractions, but the tears kept flowing. I remember telling him he just needed to trust mommy and that I loved him and wanted to keep him safe. I immediately wondered how many times I must appear this way to God; reaching for something or wanting something for my life that would harm me. I cry out to God like a child thinking it isn't fair or crying because I want something that He is just not ready for me to have. He is probably telling me the same thing- "Trust me child. I love you and want to protect you. I want the best for you!" I pull my chair up next to Him, and instead of just listening and trusting Him, I want answers now! The emotional trauma that I am experiencing could all be let go of if I could just learn how to have that perfect trust!
As my week continued, I was faced with more bad news of people in my life having medical tests reveal not good information. Though there are no answers right now of the outcome, I just wanted to cry. Could I really handle losing three more people that I dearly love in the next year? Did God really know what He was asking of me? One of my best friends from college was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is so young! It won't be until Monday that I hear for sure what stage she is in, but it is just so hard to watch her worry and suffer being so far away from family and the friends that care for her so dearly! With this news and the news of another loved one in my life having a mass of quite possibly cancer on her kidney just about did it for me emotionally this week.
On top of it all (though quite comical as I look back) I injured my back through a series of events. It was SO bad that I was hardly able to walk and was not able to sit at my computer for several days. It is amazing how much pain a pinched sciatic nerve can cause! I was feeling like I was about 80 years old this week trying to take care of my not so easy toddler and watching my house get dirtier and dirtier and realizing there was nothing I could do about it and just hoping no one would drop by just to say "hi!"
As I look back over my week, I can definitely see how God was at work refining me, molding me, and pulling me back up out of the pit of despair. My desire is that I can always be on the lookout for moments of joy even in the midst of bad news and that I would seek first His kingdom! I want my life here and now to be one that trusts God through the ups and downs, not just with my head, but also my heart!
"I am quiet now before the Lord, just as a child who is weaned from the breast. Yes, my begging has been stilled. O Israel, you too should quietly trust in the Lord - now and always."
~Psalm 131:2-3
The very fire that blackens my horizons warms my soul. The darkness that oppresses my mind sharpens my vision. The flood that overwhelms my heart quenches my thirst. The thorns that penetrate my flesh strengthen my spirit. The grave that buries my desires deepens my devotion. Man's failure to comprehend this intention of God is one of life's true calamities.
~James Means
A Tearful Celebration
God WILL be seen even in my weakness. For that, I am so very grateful!!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
The Race of Life
I have had a LOT of random thoughts going through my head the past few days. It has been a week full of ups and downs and I am feeling a bit exhausted by it all. Even though my schedule this week has not been as busy as usual, my mind has been going full-speed ahead. I think in some ways, it is more exhausting to use up emotional energy than physical energy. The race of life is really full of more emotional fights than physical ones.
On a good note, I think Ethan is finally back on a somewhat normal schedule involving a good solid afternoon nap and to bed at a decent hour. After our busy weekend, it was a bit of an emotional week for him as well. It really made me wonder if the majority of children's bad behavior is based on them not getting enough sleep. At least for him, this seems to be very consistent. Overall, I have been blessed with a very good, and generally laid back child. I do know from my early childhood classes and from experience teaching, that children crave structure and really need someone to set it for them. I know every child is different, but I can see this being SO true in Ethan's life. He demonstrated some negative behavior this week that was another reminder to me that I can't be prideful in my parenting. I was so embarrassed when I went to pick him up from the nursery on Wed. morning and learned that he had bit another child. Unfortunately this was not the first time that he has bitten a child. It has happened 3 and almost four other times! However, he has not done it for quite a few months and so I thought we had this area resolved. I had checked out all the books I could find on biting. I have talked to him about it. I have disciplined him for it. It just goes to show that you can try to do everything right, and yet our children are still born sinners and they are going to fail. As a parent, it is so hard to not take it personally. It doesn't help that biting just seems like such a worse offense than hitting or pushing. Thankfully he hasn't started doing that yet, but biting just seems so primal. I don't want to become the parent with "that kid". I don't want other parents to avoid playdates with me because I have the bully child. Overall, he is really a nice boy, but I suppose he is just that- ALL boy! :-) I will keep plugging away at my parenting AND my praying. This may seem like a little thing now, but it opens my mind up to a future of possibilities of "What is next?!" Once again, I am reminded that I can not live a life of fear, but of power and of love, and a sound mind. (II Tim. 1:7) Not only is my life in God's hand, but so is Ethan's and as long as I continue to parent according to scripture and to love and pray for my son, I have nothing to fear!
Another thing that has happened this week is that my Grandma was brought to Topeka due to a fall and some bleeding on the brain. It was not determined whether the fall was caused by the bleeding or if the bleeding started because of the fall. Either way, it has affected her pretty dramatically, because the doctors have said she will not be with us much longer. This has brought about such a mix of emotions. This will be the first death I will have faced since losing Rich. My Grandma is a strong believer who I admire deeply and she is ready. It makes me sad to lose her, and yet I also know that she feels that she has lived a full life here on Earth and is ready to meet her creator and see those that have gone before her. It is hard for me for many reasons. Even though I know this is the more natural order of events for our lives, it stirs up a lot of emotions from losing Rich. The whole idea of facing death again just seems almost unbareable. I am okay with letting her go, but the idea of going to a funeral service is really hard to face. It is also hard because she is my very last grandparent, and even though I know I am fortunate to have had grown up with any, it just seems so final. As I went to visit her at the hospital, it was a time again of mixed emotions. I was happy to see her, but I began thinking about Rich. I remembered going to the hospital with him to sing to my Grandpa. I remembered going to Miltonvale to sing at their church on different occasions together. My Grandma loves music! Even with her terrible arthritis, she was still playing the piano for their Sunday services each week. She would ask for Rich and I to come as often as we could. (Which was never often enough!) The last time we were able to go was the Spring before Rich died. We went and sang a couple of songs, Rich played the guitar, and he shared about his upcoming trip to Turkey. They prayed for him and were so appreciative. I took a hymnal up to the hospital to sit by my Grandma's side and sing. She was not able to say much of anything at this point. She tried to sing along at points and would drift in and out of sleep. Today, while my dad was with her, in her sleep she said, "Jesus, you are so sweet." :-) I almost envy her knowing that she is about to leave this earth and enter the gates of heaven. I want so badly to run my race set out before me with strength, but there are days that I just feel so tired. I feel like this race is becoming a very very long marathon! Even though I have not had a physically straining week, I feel very tired this week. I have not even been the one (like my dad) who has been by my Grandma's side constantly and making all kinds of tough medical decisions. Yet, the idea of facing death, is just so wearisome. So, I plan to spend tonight just resting at Jesus feet.
"Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." ~Matt. 11:28-30
One place I was able to rest my mind this week was Bible study. I started a new study called "The Ascent of the Psalms" with Beth Moore. I am really looking forward to this study. I have been SO blessed through studying the Psalms this past year. It is through them that I was able to find encouragement and even raw truth. I love how through David's life and a few others, I was able to see his trials and his blessings and experience them in my own life as well. There were (and still are) so many times that I feel so discouraged or just don't have the words to even say when I need to cry out to my Lord. I often use the Psalms to do just that. I have learned to LOVE using the Psalms as prayers. I will read a Psalm and turn it into a prayer for my own life, personalizing it as I go. It is amazing how many times God has used the Psalms to help me to be honest about my feelings (even the not so good feelings) and to praise Him at times that I may not have started out feeling like I wanted to praise Him. I look forward to also taking time to review what I have learned over the past year as I look at the things God has taught me through the Psalms. I am always SO encouraged by how filled they are with characteristics of God. My goal as I study them some more is to not only take what I have learned about who God is, but to APPLY it to my life. For example, as I read Psalm 40, I can see that God is a Deliverer, He is trustworthy, He is a Giver, and so much more! If I begin to make a list of the ways God has delivered me, I can see that he is trustworthy and He has also given me so much. I cannot help but praise Him for who He is! I can't wait to dig deeper and see what I am going to learn through this new study!
As I look back over my week, I can see ways that the enemy is just trying to get me down with all kinds of things happening with my family. I also have been just bombarded with memories of Rich through the strangest things. I am reminded that we are in a spiritual battle and that we can choose to just let it get us down, or to fight back remembering that Jesus is on our side. Tonight, I was about to have another moment over a stupid thing. I was baking a sweet potato for our supper and was about brought to tears. How silly is that?! Rich used to bring home a sweet potato every night he worked at Timberline. Ethan loves sweet potatoes and I was really into making all of our baby food from scratch (a mix between trying to be domestic and save money). So, having one brought home already cooked and ready to serve was always helpful and a way that Rich felt like he was pitching in. It was so sweet. Now, everytime I see a sweet potato I think of that. Tonight, it just made me miss him more than ever. I was struggling between tears and irrational anger that the darn thing was taking so long to cook! :-) I had to stop and just pray that God would allow me to find joy in the memories. It did break my heart, however, when I served it to Ethan and said, "Remember when daddy used to bring you a sweet potato almost every night? He loved doing things for you." Ethan just kind of looked at me with a blank stare and said, "okay". He doesn't remember and he is now even starting to forget he had a daddy. Daddy is becoming more of a word associated with his friends. They all have a daddy. He often will look at pictures of families and point as he says, "mommy, daddy, and name of whomever else is in the picture". I guess it is good that he is recognizing that families often have a mommy and daddy, but knowing that ours does not just breaks my heart for him. I can't even remember the last time he asked to look at the "Daddy book". (a scrapbook of pictures of Rich and our family) I don't want to force it on him or make him love looking at daddy or try to make him remember him, but it is so hard to see that he will probably grow up with his only memories being those that have been told to him by me and others.
Being September 11th, I am reminded of those who also lost loved ones on this day. There were SO many children who lost their mommies, daddies, or even both. There were many widows and widowers that were made that day. Somehow they have survived. I'm sure some have dealt with it better than others. I'm just so thankful that my loss was not out of such violent circumstances. I think there would be so many more hurts involved in a loss like that. I still have unanswered questions about my loss, but these are things I can not dwell on because I have accepted that many of these will never be answered in this lifetime and in the future, I doubt I will even care. So, as I press on in this race (that is often a marathon), I just pray that I will have the strength to finish strong. There will be moments that I am going to need to stop for a water break (or prayer) and other times that I may be going slower and hopefully times that I will be sprinting full speed ahead. I know that God can be glorified in my life and my circumstances even when I am not aware of it. I pray that He will continue to give me the discipline to keep my eyes focused on Him and not let the daily bumps along the way knock me off the path towards Him. And if I stumble and fall, that I would have the courage to get back up and run towards Him with my whole heart, soul, and mind!
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverence the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." ~Hebrews 12:1-3
I want to say when I enter the gates of heaven...
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." ~II Timothy 4:7
On a good note, I think Ethan is finally back on a somewhat normal schedule involving a good solid afternoon nap and to bed at a decent hour. After our busy weekend, it was a bit of an emotional week for him as well. It really made me wonder if the majority of children's bad behavior is based on them not getting enough sleep. At least for him, this seems to be very consistent. Overall, I have been blessed with a very good, and generally laid back child. I do know from my early childhood classes and from experience teaching, that children crave structure and really need someone to set it for them. I know every child is different, but I can see this being SO true in Ethan's life. He demonstrated some negative behavior this week that was another reminder to me that I can't be prideful in my parenting. I was so embarrassed when I went to pick him up from the nursery on Wed. morning and learned that he had bit another child. Unfortunately this was not the first time that he has bitten a child. It has happened 3 and almost four other times! However, he has not done it for quite a few months and so I thought we had this area resolved. I had checked out all the books I could find on biting. I have talked to him about it. I have disciplined him for it. It just goes to show that you can try to do everything right, and yet our children are still born sinners and they are going to fail. As a parent, it is so hard to not take it personally. It doesn't help that biting just seems like such a worse offense than hitting or pushing. Thankfully he hasn't started doing that yet, but biting just seems so primal. I don't want to become the parent with "that kid". I don't want other parents to avoid playdates with me because I have the bully child. Overall, he is really a nice boy, but I suppose he is just that- ALL boy! :-) I will keep plugging away at my parenting AND my praying. This may seem like a little thing now, but it opens my mind up to a future of possibilities of "What is next?!" Once again, I am reminded that I can not live a life of fear, but of power and of love, and a sound mind. (II Tim. 1:7) Not only is my life in God's hand, but so is Ethan's and as long as I continue to parent according to scripture and to love and pray for my son, I have nothing to fear!
Another thing that has happened this week is that my Grandma was brought to Topeka due to a fall and some bleeding on the brain. It was not determined whether the fall was caused by the bleeding or if the bleeding started because of the fall. Either way, it has affected her pretty dramatically, because the doctors have said she will not be with us much longer. This has brought about such a mix of emotions. This will be the first death I will have faced since losing Rich. My Grandma is a strong believer who I admire deeply and she is ready. It makes me sad to lose her, and yet I also know that she feels that she has lived a full life here on Earth and is ready to meet her creator and see those that have gone before her. It is hard for me for many reasons. Even though I know this is the more natural order of events for our lives, it stirs up a lot of emotions from losing Rich. The whole idea of facing death again just seems almost unbareable. I am okay with letting her go, but the idea of going to a funeral service is really hard to face. It is also hard because she is my very last grandparent, and even though I know I am fortunate to have had grown up with any, it just seems so final. As I went to visit her at the hospital, it was a time again of mixed emotions. I was happy to see her, but I began thinking about Rich. I remembered going to the hospital with him to sing to my Grandpa. I remembered going to Miltonvale to sing at their church on different occasions together. My Grandma loves music! Even with her terrible arthritis, she was still playing the piano for their Sunday services each week. She would ask for Rich and I to come as often as we could. (Which was never often enough!) The last time we were able to go was the Spring before Rich died. We went and sang a couple of songs, Rich played the guitar, and he shared about his upcoming trip to Turkey. They prayed for him and were so appreciative. I took a hymnal up to the hospital to sit by my Grandma's side and sing. She was not able to say much of anything at this point. She tried to sing along at points and would drift in and out of sleep. Today, while my dad was with her, in her sleep she said, "Jesus, you are so sweet." :-) I almost envy her knowing that she is about to leave this earth and enter the gates of heaven. I want so badly to run my race set out before me with strength, but there are days that I just feel so tired. I feel like this race is becoming a very very long marathon! Even though I have not had a physically straining week, I feel very tired this week. I have not even been the one (like my dad) who has been by my Grandma's side constantly and making all kinds of tough medical decisions. Yet, the idea of facing death, is just so wearisome. So, I plan to spend tonight just resting at Jesus feet.
"Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." ~Matt. 11:28-30
One place I was able to rest my mind this week was Bible study. I started a new study called "The Ascent of the Psalms" with Beth Moore. I am really looking forward to this study. I have been SO blessed through studying the Psalms this past year. It is through them that I was able to find encouragement and even raw truth. I love how through David's life and a few others, I was able to see his trials and his blessings and experience them in my own life as well. There were (and still are) so many times that I feel so discouraged or just don't have the words to even say when I need to cry out to my Lord. I often use the Psalms to do just that. I have learned to LOVE using the Psalms as prayers. I will read a Psalm and turn it into a prayer for my own life, personalizing it as I go. It is amazing how many times God has used the Psalms to help me to be honest about my feelings (even the not so good feelings) and to praise Him at times that I may not have started out feeling like I wanted to praise Him. I look forward to also taking time to review what I have learned over the past year as I look at the things God has taught me through the Psalms. I am always SO encouraged by how filled they are with characteristics of God. My goal as I study them some more is to not only take what I have learned about who God is, but to APPLY it to my life. For example, as I read Psalm 40, I can see that God is a Deliverer, He is trustworthy, He is a Giver, and so much more! If I begin to make a list of the ways God has delivered me, I can see that he is trustworthy and He has also given me so much. I cannot help but praise Him for who He is! I can't wait to dig deeper and see what I am going to learn through this new study!
As I look back over my week, I can see ways that the enemy is just trying to get me down with all kinds of things happening with my family. I also have been just bombarded with memories of Rich through the strangest things. I am reminded that we are in a spiritual battle and that we can choose to just let it get us down, or to fight back remembering that Jesus is on our side. Tonight, I was about to have another moment over a stupid thing. I was baking a sweet potato for our supper and was about brought to tears. How silly is that?! Rich used to bring home a sweet potato every night he worked at Timberline. Ethan loves sweet potatoes and I was really into making all of our baby food from scratch (a mix between trying to be domestic and save money). So, having one brought home already cooked and ready to serve was always helpful and a way that Rich felt like he was pitching in. It was so sweet. Now, everytime I see a sweet potato I think of that. Tonight, it just made me miss him more than ever. I was struggling between tears and irrational anger that the darn thing was taking so long to cook! :-) I had to stop and just pray that God would allow me to find joy in the memories. It did break my heart, however, when I served it to Ethan and said, "Remember when daddy used to bring you a sweet potato almost every night? He loved doing things for you." Ethan just kind of looked at me with a blank stare and said, "okay". He doesn't remember and he is now even starting to forget he had a daddy. Daddy is becoming more of a word associated with his friends. They all have a daddy. He often will look at pictures of families and point as he says, "mommy, daddy, and name of whomever else is in the picture". I guess it is good that he is recognizing that families often have a mommy and daddy, but knowing that ours does not just breaks my heart for him. I can't even remember the last time he asked to look at the "Daddy book". (a scrapbook of pictures of Rich and our family) I don't want to force it on him or make him love looking at daddy or try to make him remember him, but it is so hard to see that he will probably grow up with his only memories being those that have been told to him by me and others.
Being September 11th, I am reminded of those who also lost loved ones on this day. There were SO many children who lost their mommies, daddies, or even both. There were many widows and widowers that were made that day. Somehow they have survived. I'm sure some have dealt with it better than others. I'm just so thankful that my loss was not out of such violent circumstances. I think there would be so many more hurts involved in a loss like that. I still have unanswered questions about my loss, but these are things I can not dwell on because I have accepted that many of these will never be answered in this lifetime and in the future, I doubt I will even care. So, as I press on in this race (that is often a marathon), I just pray that I will have the strength to finish strong. There will be moments that I am going to need to stop for a water break (or prayer) and other times that I may be going slower and hopefully times that I will be sprinting full speed ahead. I know that God can be glorified in my life and my circumstances even when I am not aware of it. I pray that He will continue to give me the discipline to keep my eyes focused on Him and not let the daily bumps along the way knock me off the path towards Him. And if I stumble and fall, that I would have the courage to get back up and run towards Him with my whole heart, soul, and mind!
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverence the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." ~Hebrews 12:1-3
I want to say when I enter the gates of heaven...
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." ~II Timothy 4:7
Monday, September 8, 2008
Step by step...
"Eventually the good days will outnumber the painful days, and you'll be able to go on and not feel guilty about it. It's evidence of the healing process." ~ Lois M. Rabey
As I look back over this past weekend, I can see God at work in the healing process. I felt like it was a big milestone in my life. I not only attended a wedding, but my son was the ring bearer in the wedding and even though it was a bit exhausting, I can honestly say that it was a joyous occasion. The last wedding day I had was no such thing! I WAS distracted slightly because of all that is involved in having a toddler in a wedding, but I was also able to take most of it in and really enjoy it as well. This may sound like a small thing, but I was able to sit through the song, "Come Thou Fount" (Why is that played at every wedding?!) and not cry. In fact, as I was singing along in my head, it wasn't even until the second stanza that I thought of Rich! This was one of his favorite hymns and we often sang it together. (Yes, at a couple of weddings!) The thing that was most fulfilling to me was that I could sit at that wedding and feel true joy for the couple without the feelings of sadness or even jealousy coming over me.
I read recently in one of my devotionals about feelings being joy robbers. I can see this being so true in my life. As I was talking to a friend today on the phone I told her that I have to consciously tell myself to "not go there!" It is so easy to be filled with anxiety, worry, fear, jealousy, guilt, and even anger sometimes. These feelings are based on misbeliefs about God. I have to go to truth and remind myself about who God is and begin praying or singing to Him. It is amazing how God uses the Holy Spirit in our lives so effectively if we just allow Him to. We are NOT slaves to our emotions!
"If your faith remains strong, after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him, you trust him; and even now you are happy with a glorious, inexpressible joy. Your reward for trusting Him will be the salvation of your souls." ~I Peter 1:7-9
I have to be completely honest that the whole weekend was not free of tears or bouts of jealousy, but for the most part, it was a fun wedding experience!! The thing that was the hardest was just thinking about Rich and knowing he would be so proud of Ethan and enjoy being involved. Even though he was a social guy, in a setting like the reception, he would have been quick to take Ethan and send me off to socialize and mingle among the people. I realize that part of it is just the season of life I am in (being a mom of a toddler), but it was hard chasing him all over the reception (which just happened to be at an expensive art museum with many breakable items!). There were so many conversations that I would try to begin and would quickly be interrupted by my little guy getting too near something he could not touch because I did NOT want to buy it! There was ONE moment in the night that a friend (Thanks, Sam!) came to my rescue and volunteered to just take Ethan away for a while. I can not tell you how helpful and refreshing that was. I know it sounds like such a little thing. I absolutely love my son, but to be able to just stand up and have an even brief conversation with another adult in a setting like that was wonderful! I try my best to be positive, but it is hard at times like that to not miss having my mate by my side that would be willing to step in and give me a hand. I remember how we would almost "fight" each other to go get Ethan when he would cry as an infant. We were both so excited to just hold him or take care of his need. As it was getting later, my dad offered to take Ethan home and put him to bed at their house. It was so nice of him to offer, but by that time, I was pretty exhausted myself. I was thinking about the hassle of going over to my parents' house to pick him up later that night. Knowing I would have to wake him (and he was SO exhausted) and bring him back to my own house, I decided just to head home. As I told a group of my friends (whom I had barely had a conversation with that night) good-bye, I had to tell myself to just "not go there!" Part of me wanted to stay so badly and just be an adult for that night and not a mom who was wishing she was there with her husband.
Sunday brought about new milestones in our lives. Ethan graduated from the nursery into the Sunday School program. He went to his official class and was immediately taken by the cars and size of the room. I could hardly tell him good-bye and write my cell number on his nametag before he had run off! At this point in his life, I am very thankful that God has given me a social and confident child. I think I was probably the only parent there with a camera, but I was just so excited for him knowing this was, yet another, step in his life where he was growing up. It was pretty funny that when the class was over and I asked him what he did, the first thing he mentioned was snack! It was just Cheerios, but it was exciting to him! He also mentioned something about a story and "play toys", "play cars", "play trucks".
As we began a new day today, I had a whole list of things I wanted to accomplish. Well, that was probably a mistake since my child had gone to bed a couple hours past his bedtime for the past three nights in a row! He was overly tired today and the lack of sleep finally caught up! It also didn't help that, for some reason, my body also decided to wake up at 4:00 am this morning. I was able to get back to sleep, but not until about 5:30. By about 10:00, I just resigned to the fact that this was not going to be a "productive" day and tried my best to just enjoy my son and work through the whining and fits. We were able to get outside for a short while between rainfalls. Then, we had a picnic lunch on the floor in the living room. It was so cute to watch Ethan feeding his animals that he had lined all up while I was preparing the food. Thankfully, he went down for his nap much better today and slept for a long time! I also took a brief nap and tried to get some housework done while he was sleeping. Then, off to bed at a much earlier time tonight! So, in spite of a few fits and much whining between 5-7 pm, the day ended up being much better than I had anticipated when we started out the morning. It could have been a day of fighting my son's behavior all day long, but instead, I decided to just try to enjoy him and not worry about all of my "stuff".
I realized that life is often like this. We often start out our days thinking about what all we need to accomplish and then God has a whole different plan for our lives. We can either throw fits and fight it all day long letting it rob us of our joy, or we can listen to His plan and go with it! (I'm NOT saying you should let your child control your life or behavior, but there are days that you just have to be a bit more flexible with your "plan".) It is often my misbeliefs or not trusting enough, that cause me to fight God's plan for my life. It is too overwhelming if I try to understand what His plan is for my whole life. Even though my WHOLE life changed dramatically on Aug. 5, 2007, it is a day by day process of understanding it and a step by step process of learning and following His plan. It is a DAILY reminder that I am not self-sufficient and that this life is not really my own and that I must rely on God for my strength.
"In His kindness God called you to his eternal glory by means of Jesus Christ. After you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strenghten you, and He will place you on a firm foundation. All power is His forever and ever. Amen." ~ I Peter 5:10-11
As I look back over this past weekend, I can see God at work in the healing process. I felt like it was a big milestone in my life. I not only attended a wedding, but my son was the ring bearer in the wedding and even though it was a bit exhausting, I can honestly say that it was a joyous occasion. The last wedding day I had was no such thing! I WAS distracted slightly because of all that is involved in having a toddler in a wedding, but I was also able to take most of it in and really enjoy it as well. This may sound like a small thing, but I was able to sit through the song, "Come Thou Fount" (Why is that played at every wedding?!) and not cry. In fact, as I was singing along in my head, it wasn't even until the second stanza that I thought of Rich! This was one of his favorite hymns and we often sang it together. (Yes, at a couple of weddings!) The thing that was most fulfilling to me was that I could sit at that wedding and feel true joy for the couple without the feelings of sadness or even jealousy coming over me.
I read recently in one of my devotionals about feelings being joy robbers. I can see this being so true in my life. As I was talking to a friend today on the phone I told her that I have to consciously tell myself to "not go there!" It is so easy to be filled with anxiety, worry, fear, jealousy, guilt, and even anger sometimes. These feelings are based on misbeliefs about God. I have to go to truth and remind myself about who God is and begin praying or singing to Him. It is amazing how God uses the Holy Spirit in our lives so effectively if we just allow Him to. We are NOT slaves to our emotions!
"If your faith remains strong, after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him, you trust him; and even now you are happy with a glorious, inexpressible joy. Your reward for trusting Him will be the salvation of your souls." ~I Peter 1:7-9
I have to be completely honest that the whole weekend was not free of tears or bouts of jealousy, but for the most part, it was a fun wedding experience!! The thing that was the hardest was just thinking about Rich and knowing he would be so proud of Ethan and enjoy being involved. Even though he was a social guy, in a setting like the reception, he would have been quick to take Ethan and send me off to socialize and mingle among the people. I realize that part of it is just the season of life I am in (being a mom of a toddler), but it was hard chasing him all over the reception (which just happened to be at an expensive art museum with many breakable items!). There were so many conversations that I would try to begin and would quickly be interrupted by my little guy getting too near something he could not touch because I did NOT want to buy it! There was ONE moment in the night that a friend (Thanks, Sam!) came to my rescue and volunteered to just take Ethan away for a while. I can not tell you how helpful and refreshing that was. I know it sounds like such a little thing. I absolutely love my son, but to be able to just stand up and have an even brief conversation with another adult in a setting like that was wonderful! I try my best to be positive, but it is hard at times like that to not miss having my mate by my side that would be willing to step in and give me a hand. I remember how we would almost "fight" each other to go get Ethan when he would cry as an infant. We were both so excited to just hold him or take care of his need. As it was getting later, my dad offered to take Ethan home and put him to bed at their house. It was so nice of him to offer, but by that time, I was pretty exhausted myself. I was thinking about the hassle of going over to my parents' house to pick him up later that night. Knowing I would have to wake him (and he was SO exhausted) and bring him back to my own house, I decided just to head home. As I told a group of my friends (whom I had barely had a conversation with that night) good-bye, I had to tell myself to just "not go there!" Part of me wanted to stay so badly and just be an adult for that night and not a mom who was wishing she was there with her husband.
Sunday brought about new milestones in our lives. Ethan graduated from the nursery into the Sunday School program. He went to his official class and was immediately taken by the cars and size of the room. I could hardly tell him good-bye and write my cell number on his nametag before he had run off! At this point in his life, I am very thankful that God has given me a social and confident child. I think I was probably the only parent there with a camera, but I was just so excited for him knowing this was, yet another, step in his life where he was growing up. It was pretty funny that when the class was over and I asked him what he did, the first thing he mentioned was snack! It was just Cheerios, but it was exciting to him! He also mentioned something about a story and "play toys", "play cars", "play trucks".
As we began a new day today, I had a whole list of things I wanted to accomplish. Well, that was probably a mistake since my child had gone to bed a couple hours past his bedtime for the past three nights in a row! He was overly tired today and the lack of sleep finally caught up! It also didn't help that, for some reason, my body also decided to wake up at 4:00 am this morning. I was able to get back to sleep, but not until about 5:30. By about 10:00, I just resigned to the fact that this was not going to be a "productive" day and tried my best to just enjoy my son and work through the whining and fits. We were able to get outside for a short while between rainfalls. Then, we had a picnic lunch on the floor in the living room. It was so cute to watch Ethan feeding his animals that he had lined all up while I was preparing the food. Thankfully, he went down for his nap much better today and slept for a long time! I also took a brief nap and tried to get some housework done while he was sleeping. Then, off to bed at a much earlier time tonight! So, in spite of a few fits and much whining between 5-7 pm, the day ended up being much better than I had anticipated when we started out the morning. It could have been a day of fighting my son's behavior all day long, but instead, I decided to just try to enjoy him and not worry about all of my "stuff".
I realized that life is often like this. We often start out our days thinking about what all we need to accomplish and then God has a whole different plan for our lives. We can either throw fits and fight it all day long letting it rob us of our joy, or we can listen to His plan and go with it! (I'm NOT saying you should let your child control your life or behavior, but there are days that you just have to be a bit more flexible with your "plan".) It is often my misbeliefs or not trusting enough, that cause me to fight God's plan for my life. It is too overwhelming if I try to understand what His plan is for my whole life. Even though my WHOLE life changed dramatically on Aug. 5, 2007, it is a day by day process of understanding it and a step by step process of learning and following His plan. It is a DAILY reminder that I am not self-sufficient and that this life is not really my own and that I must rely on God for my strength.
"In His kindness God called you to his eternal glory by means of Jesus Christ. After you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strenghten you, and He will place you on a firm foundation. All power is His forever and ever. Amen." ~ I Peter 5:10-11
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