Choosing Life!

I have begun blogging so many times this past week, and yet I have not had the chance to complete my thoughts or the energy to put the thoughts in my head into writing. I feel as if I am in a constant battle daily and it is wearing me down. We ARE in a spiritual battle and I KNOW I must prepare myself by putting on the full armor of God. (Eph. 6:11-12) Yet, I still have days where I feel I am losing the battle as I feel myself being sucked into the trap of being stuck in my grief. This is NOT the place I want to be! I want to be free of this. I am learning in the Psalms, that it is okay to cry out to God with our worries and woes, but then I am to let HIM take control of them. That is the part I feel as if I am only able to do from time to time and then I feel like I am right back where I began. How frustrating it is to be facing the SAME challenges over and over. It is more than frustrating...it is just plain exhausting!!

Tomorrow is my father-in-law's last day of work at Boeing. They are having a retirement party tomorrow evening in his honor. I think there was a part of Rich that was looking forward to this day almost as much as his own dad. My in-laws plan to move to Texas and retire on the family ranch. Rich was SO looking forward to helping out his dad and had been taking time to read and research all about raising cattle. He had even started a notebook on all of his findings. It was his hope that same day, way down the road, we may also retire and then take over the family ranch. I was never sure that I would be in love with this idea, but I was willing to go wherever he went! Even though this should be a celebration, it just breaks my heart that Rich is not here to celebrate it with his dad. He was really close to his dad in the way that Rich longed for Ethan to grow up being close to him. All of the siblings used to tease Rich because of the way he would sometimes imitate his dad and his likes or dislikes. Yet, as you stepped back to look at the whole picture, you could just see a son who admired his dad. I know that there was a mutual respect between the two of them. Rich's dad is a man of few words, but the times he did speak to Rich or write him a letter, the words were so filled with love and respect. I am thrilled that Ethan will have the opportunity to grow up with his Granddad in his life, but at the same time, torn apart that his dad is not here to be with him daily and have that same kind of relationship with his own son.

They say the second year of grieving is supposed to be easier. I can say that there is a part of that statement that is true. The moments of heart wrenching pain come less frequently and are less intense. I do not find myself taken by surprise nearly as often. (Though there are still moments that I will find myself tearing up without warning.) Yet, there is a deeper onset of just sadness that I feel has taken over my heart. I also am experiencing intense loneliness. It is so hard to battle because filling up my schedule or being around other people does not suffice to take away my loneliness. In fact, sometimes it just makes it worse because then I am exhausted on top of the loneliness. I try so hard to fill my mind with truth and spend time with my Lord, and yet even that can leave me feeling unsatisfied. Or worse, I feel guilty for it not meeting all of my needs and feel like a failure in my relationship with Him. Most of the time, God does speak to my heart through His Word, but often I have been experiencing a lot of the same...Trust Me, Be patient, Wait, Know that I have Your Best in my plans for you, Trust Me!

I have had the hardest month with Ethan. As I looked back over the calendar tonight, I realized that YES, nearly a month has passed that I have been dealing with the same issue...a battle of the wills. My son has decided that he does NOT need to have a rest time in the afternoon and his mommy has decided that he WILL have a rest time every day! I should be happy that today he actually stayed IN his bed for a whole hour. Though he never held still long enough to actually fall asleep, he at least stayed in his bed and did not climb up the side of his wardrobe, flip over his glider chair, or take the closet doors off their rollers. I SHOULD be happy that he actually stayed in bed, but instead I am just exhausted. Those precious two hours I used to have every day to get things done or to maybe actually rest myself have been transferred to my evening after he has gone to bed. This means that from about 1-7 every day we are experiencing a lot of turmoil at my house from no napping to all out break downs and tantrums throughout the evening. He usually is begging to go to bed by about 6:30, but this does not usually work due to our evening activities. There have been many a moment when I have cried out to God, "I can't do this alone! He needs a daddy and I need a husband. I need the reinforcement. I need the encouragement. I need the break. I just need a hug and someone coming home telling me they love me and that I AM a good mommy." I have read ALL the books, sought advice from all of my expert mommy friends, and even outside counseling. No one seems to know the answer. Overall, he is a good kid and obeys well during the morning hours. I love him so dearly and just want what is best for him. I realize he would maybe be doing all of this even if Rich were in his life, but for some reason, it just seems like it would be easier to deal with then. I KNOW I am just pouring out a long "woe is me" blog and feel kind of foolish for even being so open and honest with my little daily dealings. The problem is that these daily dealings are wearing me out enough that I feel as if I have nothing left to give. There are SO many people in my life that I want to be doing things for and serving and loving on. Yet, I feel like I am an empty vessel without much to give. When I soak in my time with God, I feel like it is drained from me slowly throughout the day until I finally fall into bed at night with a sigh and a "Thank you, Lord, for helping me through one more day." just to get up in the morning and start it all over again.

Yet, somehow, even in the midst of all of this daily turmoil that stirs around in my head (the questions, the what ifs, the how is this going to work), God provides me with a peace that passes all understanding as I believe He is somehow going to pull me through this experience and make me stronger and more like Him in the process! I don't really have a clue how He is going to do that, but if anyone can make something good come out of something so tragic, I believe He can!

"I am confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord. "
(Psalm 27:13-14)

So even though I don't always feel God's presence, I know it! I may have days where I don't want to go on, but I can ask Him to give me the strength to want to want to go on!
I am at a new place in my grieving process. One where I must constantly CHOOSE to go on with my life and let his mercies greet me each morning with a smile. Rich will always have a special place in my heart, and I am forever changed for having had him in my life. Yet, I am at a new place now where I will miss him, but I cannot let myself keep going back to that place of darkness that consumes me with hurt and sadness. I have to set my eyes on Jesus and the hope that He gives me for my future. Plans to prosper and not harm me. I know there WILL be more heartaches that may come my way, and the thought of that, honestly, quite frightens me. But, I also know that I cannot live a life of fear or cling to the hurts of my past. I want others to see that my identity is in Christ and not in my grief.

"I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life." (Deut. 30:19-20)

This has become my new theme verse! The Lord is my life and when I think about what that really means, the trivial day to day things seem to wash away. My hardships and hurts are still there, but they are there to shape and mold me, NOT to destroy me.

"What shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?...
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered. No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God, that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 8:31, 35-39

Emotional Trauma!!

This past week has been full of emotional trauma. Most of it has been played out in my son's life, but there has been a bit of it boiling within me and even displayed in public as I broke down in tears walking into MOPS this morning. I absolutely hate crying in public. It is not really the fear of everyone knowing that I don't have it all together (I think that is pretty much out there by now!). It is more of just feeling like I am being selfish and taking away from others as they run to my aid. Deep down I know that these people just care and want to be there for me, but I guess I just wonder if they know that I would do the same for them. Why is it that we all always apologize for crying as if it is really doing something wrong to feel badly enough about something that it brings us to tears? I do it! Everyone I know does it. Is it just a habit? I know I felt completely bad as soon as I lost it and started apologizing right away. I guess I feel like I am causing others to be concerned and I feel selfish for that reason. Yet, I also know that the reason I cried this morning is because I had been holding in so much from my week and I was walking into a room full of women that I love and I also know that many of them love me. It just brought me to tears as soon as someone asked how I was doing. I could not lie. I was not doing so well. I had tried to talk it over with God this morning and thought I had it all resolved and was trusting Him with it all, but in reality, I was SO far from trusting Him. Here is that trust thing again...oh the journey of learning to have complete and perfect trust!

My week began (as you read earlier) with my Grandmother being flown into Topeka due to a fall and bleeding on her brain. She was tested, treated, and released to Hospice to basically die. Even though she had lived a "full-life", the thought of losing her was hard for me to take. However, she has taken a miraculous change for the better. Even though the doctors are saying she will still probably not make it to Christmas, she is able to understand, communicate and even played the piano a few days this week! She at one time asked, "How long does it take to die?" She is aware that her heart is giving out and that it is a struggle to breath, but she is also so at peace about dying. What a difference Christ makes in one's life! She has begun singing with family as they visit and often asks to sing "Soon and very Soon". What a blessing it is to watch God work through her life to the very end and to ALL have a chance to say our good-byes. Even with the good news, it has still taken a bit of a toll on me emotionally just revisiting the thought of death and being even a bit envious that my Grandma will be in heaven so soon. I recently read in an email devotional about my heart being forever changed for eternity.

"The Bible says that God has set eternity in our hearts. To long for a better place is not a vain hope or delusion. You were made for eternity, and because of this, you can never be fully satisfied until you get to heaven."

Yet, I long to LIVE my life here and now for eternity. For some reason, God has allowed me to be here and to continue to live my life here on earth and I want to live it in a way that pleases him and prepares me for my life with Him.

"Life here really is a dress rehearsal for the world to come. A person who embraces the world to come and lives in light of it has his whole world radically re-altered. He looks at people differently. He looks at money differently. Looks at the things around his life differently. Looks at his own self differently."

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." ~Eccl. 3:11

The thoughts from this devotional came at just the right time. I have had so many thoughts of eternity this week and wanting to just experience complete peace in God's presence. It was encouraging to know that these are natural longings, but also good to be reminded that I DO have a life to live here and now and a purpose for being here according to God's plan. It kind of goes along with that whole cliche, "God is not finished with me yet". It is true. He still has much to accomplish in my life here in this sin-filled world and He is preparing me, shaping and molding me for my eternity with him.

"We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed...Therefore, we do not lose heart... My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
~II Cor. 4:7-9, 16; 12:9

I have to admit that there were several moments this week where I felt in despair, but it was at those moments that I was forgetting to pray. It is amazing how sufficient God truly is in our lives! There are times that even after prayer, I may not have felt immediate goodness, but God would direct me to where I needed to go. I had to reach out to others this week for help in raising my son. I felt like a failure, but was so distraught over what to do. I was SO encouraged when I reached out. I often forget to do this. I get so busy with the day to day and just trying to survive that I forget there are so many others who have also been through emotional trauma like I was facing. This may seem like a small thing to some of you, but if you have TRULY been face to face with a strong-willed child, you will feel my pain!

The thing that has been the hardest this past week was watching my sweet, compliant child turn into a tyrant! It was as if someone just flipped a switch and said, "time to see that your child has another side". I also felt like a new me was appearing as my child would throw himself into fits of rage kicking and screaming "No!" As I would try to give him two choices, the once "milk please" answer turned into "No milk! No water!" and then two seconds later "Milk, No milk, Milk! Milk! Milk!" I watched the behavior grow worse as he absolutely refused to nap for five days in a row. It was painful to give up my time to get things done or, heaven forbid, rest a bit myself as I would put him back into his bed over and over again. He would lay in his bed kicking his feet as hard as he could against the wall until my neighbor (I live in a townhouse) actually called to make sure everything was okay. I should have said, "No. Would you like to watch my child while I go outside and scream?!" :-) After five days of naptime battles, my child finally had a fit like I had never seen turning bright red and sweating from all of the energy put into it. Finally after 20 minutes, (I told him he could come see me when he was done as I waited outside his room making sure he didn't hurt himself!) he came to me and said, "hold me". I held him and rocked him and he was sound asleep in less than a minute! He slept last night from about 5:45 until 8:00 this morning! I actually had to wake him. Today there were still a few "moments", but I am trying so hard to stay consistent. Though he did not sleep, I was able to be patient and calm while we tried a new nap time routine. (This was due to the prayer of my friends!) I was often reminded of myself and my relationship with God as I thought over our week. There was a moment that I was cooking supper and Ethan wanted to pull up a chair beside me and immediately began to reach for the burner and hot pan. I told him no! and immediately moved his chair away explaining this was not safe and mommy was protecting him from getting hurt. I tried to busy him with another project, but he was SO mad that I would not let him help. An empty pot and spoon on the floor just didn't cut it. I tried many distractions, but the tears kept flowing. I remember telling him he just needed to trust mommy and that I loved him and wanted to keep him safe. I immediately wondered how many times I must appear this way to God; reaching for something or wanting something for my life that would harm me. I cry out to God like a child thinking it isn't fair or crying because I want something that He is just not ready for me to have. He is probably telling me the same thing- "Trust me child. I love you and want to protect you. I want the best for you!" I pull my chair up next to Him, and instead of just listening and trusting Him, I want answers now! The emotional trauma that I am experiencing could all be let go of if I could just learn how to have that perfect trust!

As my week continued, I was faced with more bad news of people in my life having medical tests reveal not good information. Though there are no answers right now of the outcome, I just wanted to cry. Could I really handle losing three more people that I dearly love in the next year? Did God really know what He was asking of me? One of my best friends from college was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is so young! It won't be until Monday that I hear for sure what stage she is in, but it is just so hard to watch her worry and suffer being so far away from family and the friends that care for her so dearly! With this news and the news of another loved one in my life having a mass of quite possibly cancer on her kidney just about did it for me emotionally this week.

On top of it all (though quite comical as I look back) I injured my back through a series of events. It was SO bad that I was hardly able to walk and was not able to sit at my computer for several days. It is amazing how much pain a pinched sciatic nerve can cause! I was feeling like I was about 80 years old this week trying to take care of my not so easy toddler and watching my house get dirtier and dirtier and realizing there was nothing I could do about it and just hoping no one would drop by just to say "hi!"

As I look back over my week, I can definitely see how God was at work refining me, molding me, and pulling me back up out of the pit of despair. My desire is that I can always be on the lookout for moments of joy even in the midst of bad news and that I would seek first His kingdom! I want my life here and now to be one that trusts God through the ups and downs, not just with my head, but also my heart!

"I am quiet now before the Lord, just as a child who is weaned from the breast. Yes, my begging has been stilled. O Israel, you too should quietly trust in the Lord - now and always."
~Psalm 131:2-3

The very fire that blackens my horizons warms my soul. The darkness that oppresses my mind sharpens my vision. The flood that overwhelms my heart quenches my thirst. The thorns that penetrate my flesh strengthen my spirit. The grave that buries my desires deepens my devotion. Man's failure to comprehend this intention of God is one of life's true calamities.
~James Means
A Tearful Celebration

God WILL be seen even in my weakness. For that, I am so very grateful!!

The Race of Life

I have had a LOT of random thoughts going through my head the past few days. It has been a week full of ups and downs and I am feeling a bit exhausted by it all. Even though my schedule this week has not been as busy as usual, my mind has been going full-speed ahead. I think in some ways, it is more exhausting to use up emotional energy than physical energy. The race of life is really full of more emotional fights than physical ones.

On a good note, I think Ethan is finally back on a somewhat normal schedule involving a good solid afternoon nap and to bed at a decent hour. After our busy weekend, it was a bit of an emotional week for him as well. It really made me wonder if the majority of children's bad behavior is based on them not getting enough sleep. At least for him, this seems to be very consistent. Overall, I have been blessed with a very good, and generally laid back child. I do know from my early childhood classes and from experience teaching, that children crave structure and really need someone to set it for them. I know every child is different, but I can see this being SO true in Ethan's life. He demonstrated some negative behavior this week that was another reminder to me that I can't be prideful in my parenting. I was so embarrassed when I went to pick him up from the nursery on Wed. morning and learned that he had bit another child. Unfortunately this was not the first time that he has bitten a child. It has happened 3 and almost four other times! However, he has not done it for quite a few months and so I thought we had this area resolved. I had checked out all the books I could find on biting. I have talked to him about it. I have disciplined him for it. It just goes to show that you can try to do everything right, and yet our children are still born sinners and they are going to fail. As a parent, it is so hard to not take it personally. It doesn't help that biting just seems like such a worse offense than hitting or pushing. Thankfully he hasn't started doing that yet, but biting just seems so primal. I don't want to become the parent with "that kid". I don't want other parents to avoid playdates with me because I have the bully child. Overall, he is really a nice boy, but I suppose he is just that- ALL boy! :-) I will keep plugging away at my parenting AND my praying. This may seem like a little thing now, but it opens my mind up to a future of possibilities of "What is next?!" Once again, I am reminded that I can not live a life of fear, but of power and of love, and a sound mind. (II Tim. 1:7) Not only is my life in God's hand, but so is Ethan's and as long as I continue to parent according to scripture and to love and pray for my son, I have nothing to fear!

Another thing that has happened this week is that my Grandma was brought to Topeka due to a fall and some bleeding on the brain. It was not determined whether the fall was caused by the bleeding or if the bleeding started because of the fall. Either way, it has affected her pretty dramatically, because the doctors have said she will not be with us much longer. This has brought about such a mix of emotions. This will be the first death I will have faced since losing Rich. My Grandma is a strong believer who I admire deeply and she is ready. It makes me sad to lose her, and yet I also know that she feels that she has lived a full life here on Earth and is ready to meet her creator and see those that have gone before her. It is hard for me for many reasons. Even though I know this is the more natural order of events for our lives, it stirs up a lot of emotions from losing Rich. The whole idea of facing death again just seems almost unbareable. I am okay with letting her go, but the idea of going to a funeral service is really hard to face. It is also hard because she is my very last grandparent, and even though I know I am fortunate to have had grown up with any, it just seems so final. As I went to visit her at the hospital, it was a time again of mixed emotions. I was happy to see her, but I began thinking about Rich. I remembered going to the hospital with him to sing to my Grandpa. I remembered going to Miltonvale to sing at their church on different occasions together. My Grandma loves music! Even with her terrible arthritis, she was still playing the piano for their Sunday services each week. She would ask for Rich and I to come as often as we could. (Which was never often enough!) The last time we were able to go was the Spring before Rich died. We went and sang a couple of songs, Rich played the guitar, and he shared about his upcoming trip to Turkey. They prayed for him and were so appreciative. I took a hymnal up to the hospital to sit by my Grandma's side and sing. She was not able to say much of anything at this point. She tried to sing along at points and would drift in and out of sleep. Today, while my dad was with her, in her sleep she said, "Jesus, you are so sweet." :-) I almost envy her knowing that she is about to leave this earth and enter the gates of heaven. I want so badly to run my race set out before me with strength, but there are days that I just feel so tired. I feel like this race is becoming a very very long marathon! Even though I have not had a physically straining week, I feel very tired this week. I have not even been the one (like my dad) who has been by my Grandma's side constantly and making all kinds of tough medical decisions. Yet, the idea of facing death, is just so wearisome. So, I plan to spend tonight just resting at Jesus feet.

"Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." ~Matt. 11:28-30

One place I was able to rest my mind this week was Bible study. I started a new study called "The Ascent of the Psalms" with Beth Moore. I am really looking forward to this study. I have been SO blessed through studying the Psalms this past year. It is through them that I was able to find encouragement and even raw truth. I love how through David's life and a few others, I was able to see his trials and his blessings and experience them in my own life as well. There were (and still are) so many times that I feel so discouraged or just don't have the words to even say when I need to cry out to my Lord. I often use the Psalms to do just that. I have learned to LOVE using the Psalms as prayers. I will read a Psalm and turn it into a prayer for my own life, personalizing it as I go. It is amazing how many times God has used the Psalms to help me to be honest about my feelings (even the not so good feelings) and to praise Him at times that I may not have started out feeling like I wanted to praise Him. I look forward to also taking time to review what I have learned over the past year as I look at the things God has taught me through the Psalms. I am always SO encouraged by how filled they are with characteristics of God. My goal as I study them some more is to not only take what I have learned about who God is, but to APPLY it to my life. For example, as I read Psalm 40, I can see that God is a Deliverer, He is trustworthy, He is a Giver, and so much more! If I begin to make a list of the ways God has delivered me, I can see that he is trustworthy and He has also given me so much. I cannot help but praise Him for who He is! I can't wait to dig deeper and see what I am going to learn through this new study!

As I look back over my week, I can see ways that the enemy is just trying to get me down with all kinds of things happening with my family. I also have been just bombarded with memories of Rich through the strangest things. I am reminded that we are in a spiritual battle and that we can choose to just let it get us down, or to fight back remembering that Jesus is on our side. Tonight, I was about to have another moment over a stupid thing. I was baking a sweet potato for our supper and was about brought to tears. How silly is that?! Rich used to bring home a sweet potato every night he worked at Timberline. Ethan loves sweet potatoes and I was really into making all of our baby food from scratch (a mix between trying to be domestic and save money). So, having one brought home already cooked and ready to serve was always helpful and a way that Rich felt like he was pitching in. It was so sweet. Now, everytime I see a sweet potato I think of that. Tonight, it just made me miss him more than ever. I was struggling between tears and irrational anger that the darn thing was taking so long to cook! :-) I had to stop and just pray that God would allow me to find joy in the memories. It did break my heart, however, when I served it to Ethan and said, "Remember when daddy used to bring you a sweet potato almost every night? He loved doing things for you." Ethan just kind of looked at me with a blank stare and said, "okay". He doesn't remember and he is now even starting to forget he had a daddy. Daddy is becoming more of a word associated with his friends. They all have a daddy. He often will look at pictures of families and point as he says, "mommy, daddy, and name of whomever else is in the picture". I guess it is good that he is recognizing that families often have a mommy and daddy, but knowing that ours does not just breaks my heart for him. I can't even remember the last time he asked to look at the "Daddy book". (a scrapbook of pictures of Rich and our family) I don't want to force it on him or make him love looking at daddy or try to make him remember him, but it is so hard to see that he will probably grow up with his only memories being those that have been told to him by me and others.

Being September 11th, I am reminded of those who also lost loved ones on this day. There were SO many children who lost their mommies, daddies, or even both. There were many widows and widowers that were made that day. Somehow they have survived. I'm sure some have dealt with it better than others. I'm just so thankful that my loss was not out of such violent circumstances. I think there would be so many more hurts involved in a loss like that. I still have unanswered questions about my loss, but these are things I can not dwell on because I have accepted that many of these will never be answered in this lifetime and in the future, I doubt I will even care. So, as I press on in this race (that is often a marathon), I just pray that I will have the strength to finish strong. There will be moments that I am going to need to stop for a water break (or prayer) and other times that I may be going slower and hopefully times that I will be sprinting full speed ahead. I know that God can be glorified in my life and my circumstances even when I am not aware of it. I pray that He will continue to give me the discipline to keep my eyes focused on Him and not let the daily bumps along the way knock me off the path towards Him. And if I stumble and fall, that I would have the courage to get back up and run towards Him with my whole heart, soul, and mind!

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverence the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." ~Hebrews 12:1-3

I want to say when I enter the gates of heaven...
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." ~II Timothy 4:7

Step by step...

"Eventually the good days will outnumber the painful days, and you'll be able to go on and not feel guilty about it. It's evidence of the healing process." ~ Lois M. Rabey

As I look back over this past weekend, I can see God at work in the healing process. I felt like it was a big milestone in my life. I not only attended a wedding, but my son was the ring bearer in the wedding and even though it was a bit exhausting, I can honestly say that it was a joyous occasion. The last wedding day I had was no such thing! I WAS distracted slightly because of all that is involved in having a toddler in a wedding, but I was also able to take most of it in and really enjoy it as well. This may sound like a small thing, but I was able to sit through the song, "Come Thou Fount" (Why is that played at every wedding?!) and not cry. In fact, as I was singing along in my head, it wasn't even until the second stanza that I thought of Rich! This was one of his favorite hymns and we often sang it together. (Yes, at a couple of weddings!) The thing that was most fulfilling to me was that I could sit at that wedding and feel true joy for the couple without the feelings of sadness or even jealousy coming over me.

I read recently in one of my devotionals about feelings being joy robbers. I can see this being so true in my life. As I was talking to a friend today on the phone I told her that I have to consciously tell myself to "not go there!" It is so easy to be filled with anxiety, worry, fear, jealousy, guilt, and even anger sometimes. These feelings are based on misbeliefs about God. I have to go to truth and remind myself about who God is and begin praying or singing to Him. It is amazing how God uses the Holy Spirit in our lives so effectively if we just allow Him to. We are NOT slaves to our emotions!

"If your faith remains strong, after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him, you trust him; and even now you are happy with a glorious, inexpressible joy. Your reward for trusting Him will be the salvation of your souls." ~I Peter 1:7-9

I have to be completely honest that the whole weekend was not free of tears or bouts of jealousy, but for the most part, it was a fun wedding experience!! The thing that was the hardest was just thinking about Rich and knowing he would be so proud of Ethan and enjoy being involved. Even though he was a social guy, in a setting like the reception, he would have been quick to take Ethan and send me off to socialize and mingle among the people. I realize that part of it is just the season of life I am in (being a mom of a toddler), but it was hard chasing him all over the reception (which just happened to be at an expensive art museum with many breakable items!). There were so many conversations that I would try to begin and would quickly be interrupted by my little guy getting too near something he could not touch because I did NOT want to buy it! There was ONE moment in the night that a friend (Thanks, Sam!) came to my rescue and volunteered to just take Ethan away for a while. I can not tell you how helpful and refreshing that was. I know it sounds like such a little thing. I absolutely love my son, but to be able to just stand up and have an even brief conversation with another adult in a setting like that was wonderful! I try my best to be positive, but it is hard at times like that to not miss having my mate by my side that would be willing to step in and give me a hand. I remember how we would almost "fight" each other to go get Ethan when he would cry as an infant. We were both so excited to just hold him or take care of his need. As it was getting later, my dad offered to take Ethan home and put him to bed at their house. It was so nice of him to offer, but by that time, I was pretty exhausted myself. I was thinking about the hassle of going over to my parents' house to pick him up later that night. Knowing I would have to wake him (and he was SO exhausted) and bring him back to my own house, I decided just to head home. As I told a group of my friends (whom I had barely had a conversation with that night) good-bye, I had to tell myself to just "not go there!" Part of me wanted to stay so badly and just be an adult for that night and not a mom who was wishing she was there with her husband.

Sunday brought about new milestones in our lives. Ethan graduated from the nursery into the Sunday School program. He went to his official class and was immediately taken by the cars and size of the room. I could hardly tell him good-bye and write my cell number on his nametag before he had run off! At this point in his life, I am very thankful that God has given me a social and confident child. I think I was probably the only parent there with a camera, but I was just so excited for him knowing this was, yet another, step in his life where he was growing up. It was pretty funny that when the class was over and I asked him what he did, the first thing he mentioned was snack! It was just Cheerios, but it was exciting to him! He also mentioned something about a story and "play toys", "play cars", "play trucks".

As we began a new day today, I had a whole list of things I wanted to accomplish. Well, that was probably a mistake since my child had gone to bed a couple hours past his bedtime for the past three nights in a row! He was overly tired today and the lack of sleep finally caught up! It also didn't help that, for some reason, my body also decided to wake up at 4:00 am this morning. I was able to get back to sleep, but not until about 5:30. By about 10:00, I just resigned to the fact that this was not going to be a "productive" day and tried my best to just enjoy my son and work through the whining and fits. We were able to get outside for a short while between rainfalls. Then, we had a picnic lunch on the floor in the living room. It was so cute to watch Ethan feeding his animals that he had lined all up while I was preparing the food. Thankfully, he went down for his nap much better today and slept for a long time! I also took a brief nap and tried to get some housework done while he was sleeping. Then, off to bed at a much earlier time tonight! So, in spite of a few fits and much whining between 5-7 pm, the day ended up being much better than I had anticipated when we started out the morning. It could have been a day of fighting my son's behavior all day long, but instead, I decided to just try to enjoy him and not worry about all of my "stuff".

I realized that life is often like this. We often start out our days thinking about what all we need to accomplish and then God has a whole different plan for our lives. We can either throw fits and fight it all day long letting it rob us of our joy, or we can listen to His plan and go with it! (I'm NOT saying you should let your child control your life or behavior, but there are days that you just have to be a bit more flexible with your "plan".) It is often my misbeliefs or not trusting enough, that cause me to fight God's plan for my life. It is too overwhelming if I try to understand what His plan is for my whole life. Even though my WHOLE life changed dramatically on Aug. 5, 2007, it is a day by day process of understanding it and a step by step process of learning and following His plan. It is a DAILY reminder that I am not self-sufficient and that this life is not really my own and that I must rely on God for my strength.

"In His kindness God called you to his eternal glory by means of Jesus Christ. After you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strenghten you, and He will place you on a firm foundation. All power is His forever and ever. Amen." ~ I Peter 5:10-11

Friendships

Today at MOPS our speaker, Melody Congdon (our pastor's wife) shared about friendships for ourselves and for our children. It really made me think a lot about how my friendships have changed over the past couple of years. We did a very familiar activity that maybe you have done before where you draw three circles- One large one, one medium sized inside the large one, and then a small one like a bulls-eye. On the outer circle she challenged us to list 12 friends we may have. These can be friends from all different parts of our life. Her examples were her "project friends", her "adventure friends", her "accountability friends", etc. The next circle was to list 3 friends that know us more intimately and whom we feel we can call on and really share our hearts. The last circle is for your very best friend...the person who knows you and loves you for the good and bad!

I had done this activity a couple of years ago and my circles looked very different then. I have always been one to have lots of friends. I LOVE people and often surround myself with people. But, the depth of these friendships was not always that deep. I really struggled when we were told we could NOT put our husband in the inner circle (even though he may be our best friend). We were challenged to think of a girlfriend that we could also call our "best friend". Even though I had lots of friends I felt like I would do anything for, I wasn't sure it was the same on their end. I think I was afraid to really explore the depth of my friendships afraid that I would be disappointed. Rich was my best friend and I was okay with that being enough. Yet, I think he desired for me to reach out more too, knowing he could not meet all of my needs OR take in all of my words! :-) He had some really great intimate friends that were good at challenging him and I envied that. I wanted to be "challenged". He was SO good at that, but as a woman, we need other women and as a man, he needed other men.

Since the accident, I have been blown away by the way my friends have shown me the true depth of their friendships! Going through something this tragic can often change friendships in a negative way. Many people don't know what to say or how to respond, and so they just avoid the person experiencing grief. I read about this a lot and was ready for this to be true in my life. Yet, I never experienced that! My friends came to my need and beyond. They came to sit with me, cry with me, the called me, wrote me letters, talked with me, encouraged me, and even pushed me when I needed it! I have made NEW friends in this process as well! I have been surprised at the depth of care and concern from some people I barely even knew before the accident. I have seen incredible empathy as others have told me they can't even imagine what I am dealing with, but will cry with me because they feel pain just thinking about it. The thing that has also been so dear to me is the friends that I thought I was closest to, are STILL there for me and are continuing to encourage me and pray for me and love me. The level of intimacy in my friendships has really deepened. I feel like I have had to be more vulnerable than ever and have let people in to see parts of me that even I did not know existed. I have let people serve me which has been incredibly humbling and hard for me at times, and yet God has used that to bless me and even those serving as well! I have seen incredible character in the men that were in Rich's life. I am in awe of the way so many have stepped up to the plate and consider it their responsibility to make sure Ethan experiences some "manly time" here and there. :-) As he grows older, I know this will be even more important and it is such a blessing to see God fill that void in his life.

As I made my new circles today, I was amazed that God has really done great things with my friendships through this process of grief. What a gift that is! In all my reading about grief, I know that this is not usually the norm. Often, the person grieving pulls so far away that they lose their friends in the process. My friends just didn't even allow me to do that! God really protected and even strengthened what I already had.

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up." ~Ecl. 4:9-10

I used to often view this verse as a "marriage" verse, but in reality it is referring to a loving relationship. Yes, there is (or should be) true friendship in a marriage, but a true friend is also effective. Christ was never married and yet he had some very close friends that he encouraged and just lived life with on a daily basis. He was the perfect friend...and still is today! Though he is not here in human form, he is (or should be) our BEST friend. I am SO very thankful that I do have a friendship/relationship with Him because He has been able to be by my side every step of the way. When it was 2:30 in the morning and I didn't feel I should wake someone with my tears for my loss, He was there! When I have had my greatest joy moments and just want to celebrate with someone, He has been there. But, I also think that Christ desires for us to have earthly friends that can give us those hugs we need or cry with or pray with or laugh with or giggle until it hurts. I think HE rejoices in watching us in our friendships...how we encourage and spur one another on. He must take delight in watching what HE created laugh together and smile at the things He has done in our lives!

Overall, I can look at my friendships and just say, "Thank you, Lord!" Yet, I do still have many moments of missing my earthly best friend! The thing I think I miss most (oh, who am I kidding?). I guess I can't really narrow it down to ONE thing. Rich was a natural encourager. If you knew him, I am sure you at one time or another were encouraged by him. I really miss his encouragement!!

As I have been starting to look into Bible memory ideas for toddlers, I was convicted to work on my own Bible memory as well. It was SO easy to memorize as child and so I want to get Ethan started right away. When I think of memorizing scripture, I often think of the book of James. In college, I was really committed to reviewing my verses and always working on learning new ones. At one point, I decided I was going to memorize the book of James because I really love that book. I was dating Rich at the time and he did something for me that really sealed the deal for me. He made me what he called the "Walk and Study Bible Buddy". It was a small flip book of the book of James laminated and put together with a ring. Since I often walked to the campus from my house and walked all over campus, there was a lot of time that I could use this to work on memorizing it. When he gave that to me, I remember thinking, "Wow! I could really marry this guy!" He was always doing things like that to encourage me in my walk with Christ and would also challenge and encourage me in other areas of my life as well. I miss that!

He also so often encouraged me as a mother. Something Melody talked about today was the importance of cultivating our friendships and how we must take the initiative to get out there and do things with other women. Rich was always trying to get me to get out and be with other women. I don't think a day went by without him telling me what a good mom I was or how lucky Ethan was to have me for his mommy. Isn't that amazing?! He was always praising my ideas or "strategies" and even listened to all of my "how-to" reading advice. :-) He encouraged me in whatever it was I was doing from my stamping business (I can't believe how many times I asked him if he liked such and such project- like he cared!) to my cooking to my teaching to our home. Now he wasn't perfect, and we DID have our disagreements, but a natural encourager was a gift he had that I will always treasure! I long to be that kind of encourager to MY friends and my family. I want to be an encouraging mother that builds confidence in my son as he learns where his hope and identity come from.

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching." ~Heb. 10:23-25

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."
~I Thes. 5:11

Now, my circles are filled with lots of names at each level! I actually have several "best friends" whom I feel like I can share my true heart with and even call in the middle of the night without them hanging up on me! :-) They know me for who I truly am and don't care if I have it all together (Which I never seem to anymore these days!) They like me when my house is clean and when it is dirty. They listen to my "verbal throw-up" (taken from Shannon- thanks!) and rejoice with me as well! They like me when I just want to hang out and still love me when I have a need. Now I just need to work on making sure they realize that I feel the same way and am there for them as well!!

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of friendship. I pray that you will use the friends in my life to spur me on toward knowing you better and that I will be the kind of friend that you have designed me to be.

Contentment

Today was a really good day. I just love the rainy weather and the cool air of fall coming our way. I had fun on a playdate with Ethan in the rain at the park. Then we went to the library (even though we were a bit wet and dirty) and enjoyed some time checking out the fish, playing with Legos, looking for new books, and of course checking out a new "Veggie" video and "Toot Toot" video (also known as the Wiggles and the Big Red Car). After our adventures at the library, we headed home for a quick lunch and then I put Ethan down for a nap. As he slept, I began frantically searching for a tux for him for THIS weekend. Long story, but the bride of the wedding he is in had some trouble with the site she was ordering his outfit from and they failed to deliver. Thankfully, God provided within hours! Amazing!! (And it ended up being FREE since we are borrowing it which made it even more of a blessing!) This evening, we had a bit more time to play in the rain after dinner and then took a quick run to Amoco for a hot drink. I came home and fixed Ethan some semi-hot chocolate and we sipped our drinks together as we read his new books from the library. After Ethan's bath (always a highlight at our house), I was happy that he settled down for bed without any fuss. We have both been pushing his bedtime back a bit further each night, and therefore waking up later in the morning. This is going to cause problems with MOPS and Bible study starting up, and so I am working on getting him back to bed closer to 7:30. I know that sounds early, but he is an excellent sleeper (Thank you, Lord!) and so sleeps a solid 12 hours a night! As I settled down for the evening with the rest of my drink and some quiet time with my Lord, I started contemplating what made today so good when just days ago I was all over the place with my emotions. I decided to do a bit of study on contentment and focus on trying to be more content at all times.

When I think about contentment, one of the first Biblical people that comes to mind is Paul. He talks about this a lot even in the midst of his suffering. (and he did endure a LOT of suffering!) "I have learned how to get along happily whether I have much or little. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little." ~Phil. 4:11-12
We are SO surrounded in our society with wants and "needs". Everyone thinks they will finally be content when they just get _____ or have more _____. It seems like contentment is just around the corner. It is engrained in our way of life. I so often hear, "I'll be happy as a mom when my kid will just learn to listen, or learn to obey, or learn to walk, talk, etc. etc." "I will be happy in my marriage if I could just get my husband to pay more attention to my needs, or I can get some time to myself." "I will love my house when I can just get that one room painted or finish decorating such and such room." "I will be happy when we have a bigger house or more money or are debt-free (which IS a good place to be, but again, does NOT make you happy!)." I have found myself saying some of these things as well or others such as, "If only I had Rich back, I would never complain again about anything and I would only encourage and build him up." I strived to do that before, but I was NOT perfect. And, sad to say, even if I were given a second chance, I would probably fail again.

Contentment is not something that comes naturally. It is something we must strive for daily! Even Paul said that he had "learned" to be content. He didn't do this just through the power of positive thinking. He had to endure some REAL hardships. He was mistreated, unfed, imprisoned, beaten, and treated very unfairly. Where did his contentment come from? It came from God. I just read this recently and loved the way it was phrased... "To be content doesn't mean that you don't care what happens, that you are indifferent to your surroundings or your sufferings. To be content means that you are at peace in the sufficiency of Christ, regardless. We think we will be content when we finally get what we want, but real contentment is when we accept less than or something other than what we want. Jesus is our source for the spiritual strength we need to live with what we didn't ask for and less than we want, to be satisfied even when our stomachs or our hearts are empty."

It makes me think about the song, "It is Well With My Soul". This was a favorite hymn of Rich's. We had actually both said at one time that it was a must play at our own funerals some day. Of course, I was expecting that to come much further down the road, but even still, it had a lot of memories behind it. Even though I had grown up hearing that song so many times and even at many other funerals, it was Rich that first explained the story behind it to me. (He was full of information!) He explained that Spafford had written those words as he traveled by ship to join his grief-stricken wife in England, who herself had just barely survived as she watched her four daughters drown in a storm and their ship sank. "Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, it is well, it is well, with my soul." So many others before me have also been struck with unfortunate loss. I have even had people email or post notes on this blog telling me about such losses. It is encouraging, NOT that others have had to go through similar pain, but that there IS hope and contentment in one source that never changes. Though our circumstances around us are always changing, and not always to our liking, my God never changes. "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." (Hebrews 13: 5b)

So as I look back over my day, I can tell you that there was nothing monumental about my day that made it so much better. I just think I am going through a process that is teaching me to be content. There are some days where I am probably going to be more content than others. As I walk into MOPS tomorrow morning, I will have to force my mind to "not go there" when it comes to jealousy about what others may have that I do not. There may be lots of pregnant bellies walking around or lots of wedding rings flashing at me reminding me that they "belong" to someone. But, ultimately, I can be content in what I DO have. I have a God that has never left my side through my suffering. I have a God who has great plans for my life and a future in heaven with Him. I also have amazing friends in that group of women who have encouraged me endlessly and have never once made me feel like an outsider. I have been blessed with one adorable bundle of joy named Ethan and I will treasure each day I have with him. I have a supportive and loving family. I have a home of my own and the blessing of being in it daily as I invest in the life of my child and get to spend my day playing in the rain and looking for "tiny frogs" and "fuzzy worms". And most importantly, I have a future that is in God's hands and He desires the best for my life! How can one not be content knowing that? All of the "things" and desires of this world quickly fade away when I look for my contentment in Him!

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever!" ~Hebrews 13:8

Surreal....

Surreal: According to Wikipedia means "bizarre or dreamlike"

I don't feel like I should still be in this state of mind, but I so often find myself feeling this way. So many things have happened in the past week that just bring me back to thinking, "Is this really REAL?" I found myself going through a bit of what I call my "bi-polar" moments over the weekend. I feel really happy and excited one moment and then find myself with eyes full of tears and so sad the next. Yet, somehow, even with the ups and downs, it was a good weekend, overall.

As I flipped the calendar today and looked over my month of events filling the calendar, my heart just dropped. Here I am entering another season, a new fall, without my love by my side. They say the first year is the hardest. I can see how that is true in some ways. I think the "firsts" are rather heart wrenching and even devastating at moments. Yet, now that I have gotten through my "firsts", I feel like the second year is almost harder. The emotions are not as intense (which is a relief), but there is this DEEP onset of lonliness setting in and as I hit each of those "special" days once again, it just is almost unbearable. I think it is because I am thinking, "Do I REALLY have to go through this again? I made it through the first year and now I just want it to all go away." After I flipped the calendar over, I sat down with Ethan to eat our breakfast together and my eyes just filled with tears. I had our morning music playing and he was just singing along (usually a phrase behind). I tried so hard to be happy, but as I looked at him I just started crying even harder. All I could think about was the fact that THIS month marked the month that Ethan was officially twice as old as when he was when Rich died. He was 14 months old then and was going to be 28 months. That means that Rich had missed out on HALF of his life and that Ethan had missed out on having his daddy be a part of those months and SO many more to come. As I watched him sing, he was trying to make me smile. He started making goofy faces and giggling and all I could do was smile. He is so much like his daddy. He stopped for a moment and said, "Mommy cry?" I immediately wiped away the tears and tried to look happy. I WAS happy that he was in my life, but the thoughts that filled my head were making me so unhappy. I quickly went to cut up some more banana so I could hide my tears and the sobbing that threatened to break out at any moment. I went back to the calendar and looked over the month again trying to be more positive this time...
Sept- 3 (Rich's dad's birthday) - Sigh
Sept- 4 (1st MOPS mtg)- That will be fun
Sept 5- Wedding rehearsal (Ethan will be a ring bearer for the 1st time)- mixed emotions
Sept 6- Wedding mtg w/ couple, set up for reception, wedding that evening - The last couple of weddings were SO hard...I hope Ethan being a ring bearer will be a good distraction!
Sept 7- Ethan graduates out of nursery to 2 yr. old S.S. class! Evening- Work

The rest of the month goes on very similar to the above except that there are 3 more Heyroth birthdays! September has always been a busy month with the start of football season, school really getting into full swing, birthdays, etc. I am thankful that I won't be having much time to sit around and feel sorry for myself! :-)

"FAITH enables us to withstand what we can't understand" Another of my many quotes and verses collecting on my bathroom mirror. This is SO true. I have to be careful to not let my feelings overtake my head. It is a struggle sometimes for my head knowledge and my heart knowledge to connect in a healthy way. If I try too hard to just concentrate on facts, I find myself stuffing away all of the feelings. Yet, when I start talking about how I really feel, it is hard to not let my emotions get the best of me. I feel like others are probably SO ready for me to just get over it. In fact, I had someone at church ask me how I was doing and when I started to be honest about my feelings, they cut me off and said, "Oh, just don't think about it." It is so hard to know HOW to respond to others when they ask how I am doing. I know some people really care and want me to share my heart. Yet, others are just asking because they don't really know what else to say or are just making conversation. It kind of goes along with the whole stage of life after you first get married and everyone asks you, "How's married life?" Most people don't really expect much of a reply and they especially don't want to know if you are really struggling. It has been a good reminder to me that I need to be sure to be ready to listen for a reply if I ask how someone is doing. It IS so easy to pass someone quickly and say, "How are you doing?" as really more of a greeting than an actual question. Am I really ready to hear it if they are NOT doing so well? Overall, I have had the most positive encounters with others and have been overwhelmed by the caring attitudes of those around me. I have even had people tell me that they are praying for me whenever they cross the bridge over the Kansas River as a reminder. I think God is using this loss in my life to bring so many others closer to Him. It encourages me to think that not only are others praying for Ethan and me, but that others are growing in their relationship with God as well through their prayer lives.

As I return to the idea of things being surreal, I am faced with the difficulty of pictures. I LOVE pictures. I love to look at them. I love to frame them. I enjoy scrapbooking them. I just love capturing "moments". Yet, since the loss of Rich, I have had a hard time enjoying pictures with him in them. They seem so surreal. Every time I look at them, I think that he must still be here. Yet, as time passes and there are NO more pictures of Rich with Ethan or me, I realize that our lives are moving on and he is not included in these changes. Before, pictures used to bring me comfort and I surrounded myself with them, esp. hanging in our bedroom. Now, I feel as if I am starting to feel like I know this person less and less and that he isn't here to understand me either. Yet, I also cling to every picture I can find almost as if I can hold on to one more piece of him. Every time someone sends me a new picture that they may have tucked away, it just makes me smile. One of these days, I hope to have the energy and the heart to scrapbook these pictures before my memories fade. I found myself almost getting mad at Ethan tonight as he broke a frame with a picture inside from our honeymoon. He was just being his curious self, and I was quick to remind myself that it is JUST a thing. Yet, as I looked at the picture, there behind it was a note from Rich he had written on our honeymoon. In it he mentioned (as I am beginning to see he often did) growing old together and how he was looking forward to "celebrating every day together and encouraging each other to grow closer to our Lord". Once again I thought, "How do I go on in life without this amazing man by my side?" I think about how I so much want to please my Lord and that as my heart is filled with longing for companionship. He will fill me with all I need.

I was just talking last night to a very dear life-long friend from college about my fears for my future. One fear I have to give up to God a lot is my sweet son, Ethan. I was telling her how I worry about him not having a healthy husband/wife relationship modeled for him. I was wondering how he was going to grow up understanding how to have this and what it means to truly love and respect a woman, without his daddy here to teach him. I think tonight, I was brought a little peace in knowing that at least I have some precious letters I can save for him to read some day. I know it is not the same, but you can see a lot of character in a person through their words. And then there is the lingering question of will I ever remarry? Oh, I hate to even put it in writing, but the thoughts are there. I know some think it is too soon to even be thinking about such things. Others have already tried to set me up on dates- Whoa! Not quite ready for that!! I think I would probably throw-up if I attempted that. :-) I so want to be filling my thoughts with the right things and not be too consumed with any one thought. It overwhelms me to even think how it can all work. The dating (don't want to do that again), having a child involved in the mix, the question of how do you even know when you are ready, and is there really someone out there that would be willing to take on me, my son, and the memory of my husband. It is not like I divorced the guy and don't want anything to do with him. I want my son to grow up with a knowledge of who is dad was and to know his family as well. Oh, the joys and misery of thinking too much! This is all wrapped up in the future worries that I have to once again lay at the feet of Jesus. For the most part, I am content in being single, and since I am still struggling with the idea of this being a bit surreal, I think this is probably the best place for me to be!
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:6-7)

There is probably a reason why these verses have been engraved in my memory for such a long time. I've always been a bit of a worrier. God often brings these verses to mind as I spend too much time reflecting on the past of contemplating the future. The past is done (can't be changed) and the future is in God's hands and, as I have learned, cannot often be controlled no matter how much we may try.

Dear Lord,
Once again, I am reminded of all that you have done for me in the past and how you have worked out the most impossible situations for good. I do not always understand how You work or why You allow things to happen. There are some days that I think it would have been much easier if I had just never met Rich. Yet, as I look back at the good and the bad, I can see how You have made me into the person I am today partly through my relationship with him. It was through our time together that I was refined. Marriage can bring out the good and the bad in a person. I also was able to see SO much of who you are and how YOU love me through the way that Rich loved me. His love was not perfect, but it was so good. Your love IS perfect and it is amazing. I still cannot even comprehend what your love looks like completely. I feel like I experienced even a bit more of what perfect love looks like when you blessed us with our son, Ethan. Thank you for the gift of his life. I pray that I can be an example to him of who you are and that he will grow up knowing what perfect love is through learning about you. Thank you for your Word that teaches me daily and always seems to be full of new lessons to learn. I cast all of my fears and anxieties to you. Thank you for giving me all I need when I need it and for teaching me that I am never without, when I have YOU!