The Race of Life

I have had a LOT of random thoughts going through my head the past few days. It has been a week full of ups and downs and I am feeling a bit exhausted by it all. Even though my schedule this week has not been as busy as usual, my mind has been going full-speed ahead. I think in some ways, it is more exhausting to use up emotional energy than physical energy. The race of life is really full of more emotional fights than physical ones.

On a good note, I think Ethan is finally back on a somewhat normal schedule involving a good solid afternoon nap and to bed at a decent hour. After our busy weekend, it was a bit of an emotional week for him as well. It really made me wonder if the majority of children's bad behavior is based on them not getting enough sleep. At least for him, this seems to be very consistent. Overall, I have been blessed with a very good, and generally laid back child. I do know from my early childhood classes and from experience teaching, that children crave structure and really need someone to set it for them. I know every child is different, but I can see this being SO true in Ethan's life. He demonstrated some negative behavior this week that was another reminder to me that I can't be prideful in my parenting. I was so embarrassed when I went to pick him up from the nursery on Wed. morning and learned that he had bit another child. Unfortunately this was not the first time that he has bitten a child. It has happened 3 and almost four other times! However, he has not done it for quite a few months and so I thought we had this area resolved. I had checked out all the books I could find on biting. I have talked to him about it. I have disciplined him for it. It just goes to show that you can try to do everything right, and yet our children are still born sinners and they are going to fail. As a parent, it is so hard to not take it personally. It doesn't help that biting just seems like such a worse offense than hitting or pushing. Thankfully he hasn't started doing that yet, but biting just seems so primal. I don't want to become the parent with "that kid". I don't want other parents to avoid playdates with me because I have the bully child. Overall, he is really a nice boy, but I suppose he is just that- ALL boy! :-) I will keep plugging away at my parenting AND my praying. This may seem like a little thing now, but it opens my mind up to a future of possibilities of "What is next?!" Once again, I am reminded that I can not live a life of fear, but of power and of love, and a sound mind. (II Tim. 1:7) Not only is my life in God's hand, but so is Ethan's and as long as I continue to parent according to scripture and to love and pray for my son, I have nothing to fear!

Another thing that has happened this week is that my Grandma was brought to Topeka due to a fall and some bleeding on the brain. It was not determined whether the fall was caused by the bleeding or if the bleeding started because of the fall. Either way, it has affected her pretty dramatically, because the doctors have said she will not be with us much longer. This has brought about such a mix of emotions. This will be the first death I will have faced since losing Rich. My Grandma is a strong believer who I admire deeply and she is ready. It makes me sad to lose her, and yet I also know that she feels that she has lived a full life here on Earth and is ready to meet her creator and see those that have gone before her. It is hard for me for many reasons. Even though I know this is the more natural order of events for our lives, it stirs up a lot of emotions from losing Rich. The whole idea of facing death again just seems almost unbareable. I am okay with letting her go, but the idea of going to a funeral service is really hard to face. It is also hard because she is my very last grandparent, and even though I know I am fortunate to have had grown up with any, it just seems so final. As I went to visit her at the hospital, it was a time again of mixed emotions. I was happy to see her, but I began thinking about Rich. I remembered going to the hospital with him to sing to my Grandpa. I remembered going to Miltonvale to sing at their church on different occasions together. My Grandma loves music! Even with her terrible arthritis, she was still playing the piano for their Sunday services each week. She would ask for Rich and I to come as often as we could. (Which was never often enough!) The last time we were able to go was the Spring before Rich died. We went and sang a couple of songs, Rich played the guitar, and he shared about his upcoming trip to Turkey. They prayed for him and were so appreciative. I took a hymnal up to the hospital to sit by my Grandma's side and sing. She was not able to say much of anything at this point. She tried to sing along at points and would drift in and out of sleep. Today, while my dad was with her, in her sleep she said, "Jesus, you are so sweet." :-) I almost envy her knowing that she is about to leave this earth and enter the gates of heaven. I want so badly to run my race set out before me with strength, but there are days that I just feel so tired. I feel like this race is becoming a very very long marathon! Even though I have not had a physically straining week, I feel very tired this week. I have not even been the one (like my dad) who has been by my Grandma's side constantly and making all kinds of tough medical decisions. Yet, the idea of facing death, is just so wearisome. So, I plan to spend tonight just resting at Jesus feet.

"Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." ~Matt. 11:28-30

One place I was able to rest my mind this week was Bible study. I started a new study called "The Ascent of the Psalms" with Beth Moore. I am really looking forward to this study. I have been SO blessed through studying the Psalms this past year. It is through them that I was able to find encouragement and even raw truth. I love how through David's life and a few others, I was able to see his trials and his blessings and experience them in my own life as well. There were (and still are) so many times that I feel so discouraged or just don't have the words to even say when I need to cry out to my Lord. I often use the Psalms to do just that. I have learned to LOVE using the Psalms as prayers. I will read a Psalm and turn it into a prayer for my own life, personalizing it as I go. It is amazing how many times God has used the Psalms to help me to be honest about my feelings (even the not so good feelings) and to praise Him at times that I may not have started out feeling like I wanted to praise Him. I look forward to also taking time to review what I have learned over the past year as I look at the things God has taught me through the Psalms. I am always SO encouraged by how filled they are with characteristics of God. My goal as I study them some more is to not only take what I have learned about who God is, but to APPLY it to my life. For example, as I read Psalm 40, I can see that God is a Deliverer, He is trustworthy, He is a Giver, and so much more! If I begin to make a list of the ways God has delivered me, I can see that he is trustworthy and He has also given me so much. I cannot help but praise Him for who He is! I can't wait to dig deeper and see what I am going to learn through this new study!

As I look back over my week, I can see ways that the enemy is just trying to get me down with all kinds of things happening with my family. I also have been just bombarded with memories of Rich through the strangest things. I am reminded that we are in a spiritual battle and that we can choose to just let it get us down, or to fight back remembering that Jesus is on our side. Tonight, I was about to have another moment over a stupid thing. I was baking a sweet potato for our supper and was about brought to tears. How silly is that?! Rich used to bring home a sweet potato every night he worked at Timberline. Ethan loves sweet potatoes and I was really into making all of our baby food from scratch (a mix between trying to be domestic and save money). So, having one brought home already cooked and ready to serve was always helpful and a way that Rich felt like he was pitching in. It was so sweet. Now, everytime I see a sweet potato I think of that. Tonight, it just made me miss him more than ever. I was struggling between tears and irrational anger that the darn thing was taking so long to cook! :-) I had to stop and just pray that God would allow me to find joy in the memories. It did break my heart, however, when I served it to Ethan and said, "Remember when daddy used to bring you a sweet potato almost every night? He loved doing things for you." Ethan just kind of looked at me with a blank stare and said, "okay". He doesn't remember and he is now even starting to forget he had a daddy. Daddy is becoming more of a word associated with his friends. They all have a daddy. He often will look at pictures of families and point as he says, "mommy, daddy, and name of whomever else is in the picture". I guess it is good that he is recognizing that families often have a mommy and daddy, but knowing that ours does not just breaks my heart for him. I can't even remember the last time he asked to look at the "Daddy book". (a scrapbook of pictures of Rich and our family) I don't want to force it on him or make him love looking at daddy or try to make him remember him, but it is so hard to see that he will probably grow up with his only memories being those that have been told to him by me and others.

Being September 11th, I am reminded of those who also lost loved ones on this day. There were SO many children who lost their mommies, daddies, or even both. There were many widows and widowers that were made that day. Somehow they have survived. I'm sure some have dealt with it better than others. I'm just so thankful that my loss was not out of such violent circumstances. I think there would be so many more hurts involved in a loss like that. I still have unanswered questions about my loss, but these are things I can not dwell on because I have accepted that many of these will never be answered in this lifetime and in the future, I doubt I will even care. So, as I press on in this race (that is often a marathon), I just pray that I will have the strength to finish strong. There will be moments that I am going to need to stop for a water break (or prayer) and other times that I may be going slower and hopefully times that I will be sprinting full speed ahead. I know that God can be glorified in my life and my circumstances even when I am not aware of it. I pray that He will continue to give me the discipline to keep my eyes focused on Him and not let the daily bumps along the way knock me off the path towards Him. And if I stumble and fall, that I would have the courage to get back up and run towards Him with my whole heart, soul, and mind!

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverence the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." ~Hebrews 12:1-3

I want to say when I enter the gates of heaven...
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." ~II Timothy 4:7