I am beginning to notice that time is starting to fly by again as it once did before in my life. There was a time when the onset of grief began that I wondered how I would ever make it to the next hour, let alone the next day. I suppose I should be thrilled that my life is returning to routine and filled with busy day-to-day activities, work, and play. On one hand, I AM so thankful that I can function this way again without grief consuming my every thought and moment. Yet, there is a part of me that feels almost sad or guilty to let it go. I never wanted grief to become my identity and I fought so hard against that, but there is a part of it that has forever changed me. I hope that it has softened me, made me more aware of others' needs and losses. I hope that God will continue to use my loss in my life to shape me and mold me into His perfect plan for my life. My prayer is that my suffering and tragedy in my life will forever keep me wholly dependent on my Lord. It is so easy to fall back into my self-sufficient ways, and yet, I know that without Him being a part of my every thought and action, I am nothing.
Just as my son is a thinker, I also find myself thinking. In fact, I sometimes wish I could stop thinking. I remember talking to Rich one time about what goes through his mind and the different ways that men and women think about things. He tended to pull out one drawer at a time and think about it and then shut that drawer and move on to another idea. Whereas I usually have at least three or four drawers open at a time thinking about several things and never being able to have a moment where the ideas are ever completely put away. I was completely dumbfounded at the idea that there were times that my husband could really be not thinking about anything at all. My mind is ALWAYS going and at times it can just be exhausting. Lately, I often find myself thinking about the future. I have often taken to heart the verse from II Cor. 10:5 about taking every thought captive. It seems like in every season of my life I have had something that seems to consume my thoughts. I find myself often struggling with worries about my future that I had in my early twenties. It is so strange to feel as if I have lived life and yet I am being transported back to that season of my life. Now I have a lot of life experiences such as college, marriage, career, parenting that I have already experienced and yet I am in some ways starting over. I am contemplating going back to college, possibly getting married again someday, having a new career, and yet all while still being a parent and so desperately missing what seemed to already be my "dream life". I find myself constantly struggling with the question of "what now?"
Yet, in some ways, God has made it SO very clear that I am to continue to embrace this season of my life. He has somehow miraculously provided a way for me to continue to be home with my precious son and invest in his life as well as take the time to learn, read, and grow in my knowledge of who HE is. What an incredible blessing it is to have this time. I pray that I do not waste a moment of it, but use it wisely to prepare for what could possibly be harder seasons ahead in my life. Learning to be content in every and all circumstances is still a daily battle, but there are definitely days that I am able to give that up to Him so much easier than others.
Ethan continues to make passing comments about daddy, but his emotions have lessened and the shock of hearing it has lessened for me as well. I do feel bad for every male friend I have in my life because he often brings it up first thing when he meets someone new. For example, the other day he met a friend of mine and I introduced them. Immediately Ethan said, "My daddy is not here anymore." My heart sank as I thought how hard it must be for Ethan to just not understand why all of these other kids seem to have a daddy and he does not. Thankfully, my friend (though a bit shocked) was quick to respond, "I know and I'm sorry, but it will be okay." as he immediately picked him up. Most of my friends are very sensitive to him about it all and, once again, I feel so blessed that God has surrounded me with Godly men that will be such a good example to Ethan as he grows.
As another Christmas passed, I was surprised how much easier it was to actually enjoy the Christmas season this year. The things that would have brought me to tears last year, often caused me to just sigh and even smile as I remembered special memories that I shared with my sweetheart. Some of the traditions I decided to carry on with family and even some with new friends. I also decided to begin some new ones and was surprised how much fun I really had this past month. One thing I had to let go, for now, was the Christmas letter. This was always something that Rich did and though I did it last year, I just knew it would take too much out of me emotionally. I planned to go ahead and send my update and pictures around Valentine's Day instead which removed some of the stress of time crunch and budgeting for it as well! Ethan and I enjoyed Christmas with my extended family here in Topeka and then took off for Texas Christmas day to enjoy five days in TX with the Heyroths. It was a very fun time and I was thankful that we were all able to be together. In the past I have come away from our time together and really struggled with almost a bout of depression each time. I was very thankful that this time I came home feeling refreshed and thankful for God's continual healing of my heart.
I was also, once again, overwhelmed at the incredible generosity and thoughtfulness of my dear, precious friends! I was basically showered with cards of encouragement and notes that people were praying for me this Christmas. Again, many people enclosed gift cards from Sonic to Starbucks and even the Christian bookstore. Another card was from a group of friends who are taking care of installing a new garage door. Being one that is not so good at accepting things or help from others, let's just say this past year and a half have been INCREDIBLY humbling! I have learned so much about what it means to be an encourager through these people in my life. I have learned what it means to give without expecting anything in return and what it truly means to be a part of the body of Christ. I feel like they are truly my family! I still get tears in my eyes as I think about how well I have been loved and cared for through it all. Though I could never repay everyone for what they have done for me, I know they will be richly rewarded someday and I can't wait to see them lay their crowns at Jesus' feet!
As I think about entering into a New year, my prayer is that I will continue to learn what it means to have "Perfect Trust" in my God. I read this just today, "True contentment is simply a matter of trust--trusting God despite our situation, and accepting and finding satisfaction in whatever He gives us." and I would take that one step further and just say finding satisfaction in just knowing Him and being perfectly loved by Him. He truly has a way (though I don't really understand it) of meeting all of my needs and doing it so much better than I could ever even if I tried! He alone is worthy of our worship and praise.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
The journey continues...
It is hard to know where to start after being away from blogging for SO long. I stepped away for multiple reasons...mostly I just found myself caught up in the busyness of life and didn't feel I had the energy to catch up on one more thing. It was almost overwhelming to know where to begin as God continued to show and teach me things daily in my life. Yet, I also want so desperately for Ethan to see the progress and the way that God continues to work in our lives each step of the way. The other reason was that I had a bit of a "freak out" moment about sharing my heart so openly with the world. It can be hard to be vulnerable with others and yet God has continued to bring me back to verses about the importance of Christian fellowship and sharing your burdens and encouraging one another. Selfishly, I know people are praying for me and that God has used this blog to help others to know how to specifically pray for me and Ethan and, as much as my prideful self wants to do it on my own, I NEED others in my life to help me along the way! So, here I am again! :-)
Where do I begin?! This past month has been full of ups and downs. As I approach a second holiday season without Rich here by my side, I see that I am so much stronger in some ways, and yet, I have a new hurt that eats away at my heart daily as I go to battle against Satan's lies. I am experiencing so much joy in enjoying this season through the eyes of my two and a half year old. It is hard to not enjoy every moment when he is SO excited about every detail. As he looks around with his eyes wide and says, "Christmas everywhere!" it just makes me smile. He is also very excited about making a strawberry birthday cake for Jesus and was asking every day if it was Christmas yet. We made some advent rings and this has helped with containing a few of the never-ending questions. :-) Every day I still feel SO thankful that God blessed me with a child and that I have him by my side to go through this journey together. Most days, he teaches me probably more than I teach him. It is a blessing how God uses children in your life to strip you of your selfish ways and to teach one how to serve. Yet, along with his new love for questions comes so many hard ones to answer...
Lately he has been very obsessed with daddy. It just breaks my heart as he sees other kids with their daddy and then says, "I want a new daddy." The first time he said this, I just stood there with nothing to say until finally God prompted me to remind him that he DOES have a daddy--God--and that He is looking out for him and loves him very much. I am not sure how much that makes sense or if it is too abstract for his mind, but it IS truth and that is all I can give him at this point. He still will often talk about his daddy dying and going to heaven, but lately it has been more of a desire to just want one here and now. It hurts every time he brings it up, but I try to stay positive. He definitely has a need for men in his life. I am very thankful that he does have Godly men that can be around. He is quick to want to imitate their every move and I can see the importance of always choosing wisely whom I do let him spend time with because even at just two and a half, he is very easily influenced by the actions of those men in his life. He still loves his mommy, but that has also become a bit of an issue as he has begun to bring up the fact that his mommy may go to heaven too. Sometimes I wish he wasn't such a thinker. One day he was just sitting there with his hand on his chin and I asked him what he was doing. He said, "I'm thinking." I asked him what he was thinking about and he said, "how much I love my mommy" It was SO sweet! He really is a gift from God! :-)
This past month has been filled with moments like these as I learn how to process grief through the mind of a toddler. It has brought back to the surface some of my own feelings and questions that I thought I had already given up to God and laid at His feet. As Christmas approaches, I very much miss my family unit! I feel a very deep onset of loneliness that can not be filled with time with others, but only by my heavenly Father. As the cards with family pictures arrive, I struggle with wanting so much to have joy for my friends and their growing families. I find myself longing to want to expand my own family, and yet missing a very important person to make that happen. I found myself crying my way through adoption Sunday a couple of weeks ago as I looked at those kids and thought how desperately I would love to give them a home, but knowing I didn't have a complete family unit as it was. I remind myself that God IS faithful and that we may experience that again in our lives, but praying for complete contentment in the moment and where He has us now. There are days that I am SO thankful for where we are at and how FAR God has brought us. I also think sometimes that it would just be too complicated to add that other person in our lives. We are doing quite fine on our own (with the grace of God!).
I have to constantly fill my mind with truth or I am attacked with lies with Satan about my future. I also have learned that I must live day to day and though I have a rough draft written out for how I think my future may go, I realize that God is the editor and may take it in a completely different direction! For now, I am learning what it truly means to let God be my husband and a father to my son. When I let Him, He really DOES meet all of my needs. When I choose to trust Him completely and pour my heart out to Him, He fills my heart back up and allows me to see that ultimately He is the ONLY one that can meet my every need and that He is not going anywhere. I have a new theme verse for my life as I fight against the distractions of this world...my ultimate purpose is to know Him!!
"For my determined purpose is that I may know Him, that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly." Phil 3:10 (AV)
So, as I face another holiday season, my prayer is that I will let HIM fill my heart with joy and not try to use other people or things or events or parties to take His place. He is more than Enough to satisfy me!!
Where do I begin?! This past month has been full of ups and downs. As I approach a second holiday season without Rich here by my side, I see that I am so much stronger in some ways, and yet, I have a new hurt that eats away at my heart daily as I go to battle against Satan's lies. I am experiencing so much joy in enjoying this season through the eyes of my two and a half year old. It is hard to not enjoy every moment when he is SO excited about every detail. As he looks around with his eyes wide and says, "Christmas everywhere!" it just makes me smile. He is also very excited about making a strawberry birthday cake for Jesus and was asking every day if it was Christmas yet. We made some advent rings and this has helped with containing a few of the never-ending questions. :-) Every day I still feel SO thankful that God blessed me with a child and that I have him by my side to go through this journey together. Most days, he teaches me probably more than I teach him. It is a blessing how God uses children in your life to strip you of your selfish ways and to teach one how to serve. Yet, along with his new love for questions comes so many hard ones to answer...
Lately he has been very obsessed with daddy. It just breaks my heart as he sees other kids with their daddy and then says, "I want a new daddy." The first time he said this, I just stood there with nothing to say until finally God prompted me to remind him that he DOES have a daddy--God--and that He is looking out for him and loves him very much. I am not sure how much that makes sense or if it is too abstract for his mind, but it IS truth and that is all I can give him at this point. He still will often talk about his daddy dying and going to heaven, but lately it has been more of a desire to just want one here and now. It hurts every time he brings it up, but I try to stay positive. He definitely has a need for men in his life. I am very thankful that he does have Godly men that can be around. He is quick to want to imitate their every move and I can see the importance of always choosing wisely whom I do let him spend time with because even at just two and a half, he is very easily influenced by the actions of those men in his life. He still loves his mommy, but that has also become a bit of an issue as he has begun to bring up the fact that his mommy may go to heaven too. Sometimes I wish he wasn't such a thinker. One day he was just sitting there with his hand on his chin and I asked him what he was doing. He said, "I'm thinking." I asked him what he was thinking about and he said, "how much I love my mommy" It was SO sweet! He really is a gift from God! :-)
This past month has been filled with moments like these as I learn how to process grief through the mind of a toddler. It has brought back to the surface some of my own feelings and questions that I thought I had already given up to God and laid at His feet. As Christmas approaches, I very much miss my family unit! I feel a very deep onset of loneliness that can not be filled with time with others, but only by my heavenly Father. As the cards with family pictures arrive, I struggle with wanting so much to have joy for my friends and their growing families. I find myself longing to want to expand my own family, and yet missing a very important person to make that happen. I found myself crying my way through adoption Sunday a couple of weeks ago as I looked at those kids and thought how desperately I would love to give them a home, but knowing I didn't have a complete family unit as it was. I remind myself that God IS faithful and that we may experience that again in our lives, but praying for complete contentment in the moment and where He has us now. There are days that I am SO thankful for where we are at and how FAR God has brought us. I also think sometimes that it would just be too complicated to add that other person in our lives. We are doing quite fine on our own (with the grace of God!).
I have to constantly fill my mind with truth or I am attacked with lies with Satan about my future. I also have learned that I must live day to day and though I have a rough draft written out for how I think my future may go, I realize that God is the editor and may take it in a completely different direction! For now, I am learning what it truly means to let God be my husband and a father to my son. When I let Him, He really DOES meet all of my needs. When I choose to trust Him completely and pour my heart out to Him, He fills my heart back up and allows me to see that ultimately He is the ONLY one that can meet my every need and that He is not going anywhere. I have a new theme verse for my life as I fight against the distractions of this world...my ultimate purpose is to know Him!!
"For my determined purpose is that I may know Him, that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly." Phil 3:10 (AV)
So, as I face another holiday season, my prayer is that I will let HIM fill my heart with joy and not try to use other people or things or events or parties to take His place. He is more than Enough to satisfy me!!
Friday, November 7, 2008
The Battle is NOT over, but I know who ultimately wins!
This past week has been a really really rough week. I have felt so attacked spiritually and have struggled with a lot of security issues and finding my confidence in Christ. "For the Lord will be your confidence, and will keep your foot from being caught." (Proverbs 3:26)
Ethan has continued to pursue the daily daddy questions. It is emotionally draining to go down that road again and again. Yet, it is also so right on with his age and development. Most two year olds are very curious and often ask the same question over and over again. They are such sponges at this age (one of the reasons it is one of my favorite ages). Yet, he just has a few different issues he is curious about and is too young to really understand the abstract. I try to keep the answers short and simple and just remind him often how MUCH God loves him. He was Curious George for Halloween (Actually he was just a monkey, but decided half way through the night that he was that specific monkey!) This is very appropriate for him and I have to laugh a bit when he starts to ask so many questions. I tell him he is SO curious and he quickly responds with, "I'm Curious Ethan, the monkey, mommy!"
We have had a few "shell-shocked" moments as I have started to label them in my own head. For example, we will be driving along and talking about the pretty leaves God made for us today. Then, all of a sudden, he will say, "My daddy went to heaven". I just sit there and have to gather my thoughts again. Often he has moved onto another subject before I have time to respond. But, sometimes he really wants to talk about it. The other day, he mentioned it again and I asked him how that made him feel. He said that he was happy because daddy was happy. That made my heart happy as well. Other days he is not so happy about it. I am trying hard to know when it is okay to talk about it, and when I need to make sure he is not using it or obsessing about it. For example, last Sunday he did NOT want to go to church because Daddy was not going to church. He threw a complete tantrum at the door yelling, "Daddy no go church...Ethan no church!" It was a rough morning and I felt more lonely that morning at church than I had in a long time. It didn't help that I had it so much on my mind. But then, I also hate being late. First there is the struggle of finding a place to park. Then, there is the battle of walking in to a service that has already started and trying to find a place to sit. Thankfully, my friend, Brande, was quick to offer me a seat with her family. God knew that I needed that as I was fighting the urge to start feeling sorry for myself when I walked into a church I have gone to my whole life and yet still felt so alone. Then, instead of searching for that right Sunday School class this week, I was on schedule to volunteer in the nursery. I actually looked forward to this and enjoyed reading to, playing with, and holding those precious little ones. After church, as the temptation set in, once again, to go face a lonely Sunday afternoon, my friends Susan and Michelle were quick to invite me to lunch. How can I question my God when he continues to meet all of my needs? With both of their husbands working for the weekend, they knew the struggle of doing it all and the weariness that can set in so quickly when you have to face one more mealtime and bed and bath routine all on your own. God reminded me again and again on Sunday that I am NOT alone and that, not only is HE there for me, but He surrounds me with others that are there for me as well. "He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength." (Isaiah 40:29)
As the week continued on, the daddy talk has become less. Yet, as I prepare for the weekend and the upcoming Tuesday when I am to share my story, my heart still fights the urge to become anxious. I Peter 5:7 keeps playing over and over in my head---"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you!" So I keep giving it back to Him again and again and again.
This weekend, I am going to a Singles' Retreat. Just the title of it all makes me cringe a bit. I don't know why I said I would go. I am not one that really likes to get myself into things when I don't know what to expect. Let's just say that I am a bit of a planner. I like to plan ahead and know what is coming. I used to joke with Rich that I enjoyed "planned spontaneity". I have learned SO much over the past year about letting go of control of my life and trusting God with the daily battles, and yet I still have the natural tendency to want to "feel" in control even though ultimately, I would MUCH rather trust God with my life than myself! Anyway, I originally signed up for the weekend thinking it would be a great opportunity to enjoy some adult time with other believers. AND, I realize that there is a new need in my life now, even more so than when I was married, to build friendships with other singles. It doesn't really work so well to always be the third wheel and I miss hanging out with groups of people and going to social events that are just couples only is not really an option anymore. So, onto learning a "new normal".
The other upcoming event that could really use some prayer is Expresso. This is a time when women at our church gather and share their personal stories of different ways God has worked in their lives. It is really great and encouraging to see how God continues to work in such individual and unique ways to meet us all right where we are at and take care of our needs. I am on the schedule to speak next Tuesday. I am looking forward to it and also really nervous about it at the same time. I just know that the enemy is trying to get a hold of me in this area and make me fearful of speaking in front of others as well as distract me and cause other things to get in the way of my planning. I so desperately want it to be all about God and not me. My prayer is that He will just shine through my testimony and that others will be encouraged by how BIG of a God we serve and to see that He truly cares about our every need! It is quite amazing really. I am just so in love with Him and so humbled by the way that He has held me so close even when I have been tempted to just run away from it all. I remember at one time thinking I would like to just move away where no one knew me and all about my circumstances and to "start over" with my life. Yet, without the people He has surrounded me with here, I am not sure I would have ever made it. He continues to bless me and encourage me with friendships. Just today I received flowers from a dear friend, to "brighten my day". It was almost like God was saying again, "You are loved!" :-)
So, yes, there will always be a battle going on in our lives. Yet, we can be confident to know how it is going to end! We are all going to face our own personal battles daily, but we are not alone. Thank you, Lord, for watching our every step. My flesh and my heart may fail, but YOU are the strength of my heart and my portion forever! (Pslam 73:26)
"For You are my lamp, O Lord; the Lord shall enlighten my darkness. For by You I can run against a troop; by my God I can leap over a wall. As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him." (2 Samuel 22:29)
"It is God who arms me with strength, and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of deer, and sets me on high places. He teaches my hands to make war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze ... I have pursued my enemies and overtaken them; neither did I turn back again till they were destroyed. I have wounded them, so that they were not able to rise; they have fallen under my feet. For You have armed me with strength for the battle; You have subdued under me those who rose up against me." (Psalm 18:32,37)
Ultimately, I am just AMAZED how patient God is with me to keep hanging on to me as I feel like I am relearning the same lesson over and over again. "Keep trusting me, my child." I often hear as I read His Word. Thank you, Lord, for never letting me go!
God has used music to very effectively reach my heart. This is one song that may be an older one, but the words still are SO true as I go to bed tonight in awe of His grace. It DOES still amaze me!
Ethan has continued to pursue the daily daddy questions. It is emotionally draining to go down that road again and again. Yet, it is also so right on with his age and development. Most two year olds are very curious and often ask the same question over and over again. They are such sponges at this age (one of the reasons it is one of my favorite ages). Yet, he just has a few different issues he is curious about and is too young to really understand the abstract. I try to keep the answers short and simple and just remind him often how MUCH God loves him. He was Curious George for Halloween (Actually he was just a monkey, but decided half way through the night that he was that specific monkey!) This is very appropriate for him and I have to laugh a bit when he starts to ask so many questions. I tell him he is SO curious and he quickly responds with, "I'm Curious Ethan, the monkey, mommy!"
We have had a few "shell-shocked" moments as I have started to label them in my own head. For example, we will be driving along and talking about the pretty leaves God made for us today. Then, all of a sudden, he will say, "My daddy went to heaven". I just sit there and have to gather my thoughts again. Often he has moved onto another subject before I have time to respond. But, sometimes he really wants to talk about it. The other day, he mentioned it again and I asked him how that made him feel. He said that he was happy because daddy was happy. That made my heart happy as well. Other days he is not so happy about it. I am trying hard to know when it is okay to talk about it, and when I need to make sure he is not using it or obsessing about it. For example, last Sunday he did NOT want to go to church because Daddy was not going to church. He threw a complete tantrum at the door yelling, "Daddy no go church...Ethan no church!" It was a rough morning and I felt more lonely that morning at church than I had in a long time. It didn't help that I had it so much on my mind. But then, I also hate being late. First there is the struggle of finding a place to park. Then, there is the battle of walking in to a service that has already started and trying to find a place to sit. Thankfully, my friend, Brande, was quick to offer me a seat with her family. God knew that I needed that as I was fighting the urge to start feeling sorry for myself when I walked into a church I have gone to my whole life and yet still felt so alone. Then, instead of searching for that right Sunday School class this week, I was on schedule to volunteer in the nursery. I actually looked forward to this and enjoyed reading to, playing with, and holding those precious little ones. After church, as the temptation set in, once again, to go face a lonely Sunday afternoon, my friends Susan and Michelle were quick to invite me to lunch. How can I question my God when he continues to meet all of my needs? With both of their husbands working for the weekend, they knew the struggle of doing it all and the weariness that can set in so quickly when you have to face one more mealtime and bed and bath routine all on your own. God reminded me again and again on Sunday that I am NOT alone and that, not only is HE there for me, but He surrounds me with others that are there for me as well. "He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength." (Isaiah 40:29)
As the week continued on, the daddy talk has become less. Yet, as I prepare for the weekend and the upcoming Tuesday when I am to share my story, my heart still fights the urge to become anxious. I Peter 5:7 keeps playing over and over in my head---"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you!" So I keep giving it back to Him again and again and again.
This weekend, I am going to a Singles' Retreat. Just the title of it all makes me cringe a bit. I don't know why I said I would go. I am not one that really likes to get myself into things when I don't know what to expect. Let's just say that I am a bit of a planner. I like to plan ahead and know what is coming. I used to joke with Rich that I enjoyed "planned spontaneity". I have learned SO much over the past year about letting go of control of my life and trusting God with the daily battles, and yet I still have the natural tendency to want to "feel" in control even though ultimately, I would MUCH rather trust God with my life than myself! Anyway, I originally signed up for the weekend thinking it would be a great opportunity to enjoy some adult time with other believers. AND, I realize that there is a new need in my life now, even more so than when I was married, to build friendships with other singles. It doesn't really work so well to always be the third wheel and I miss hanging out with groups of people and going to social events that are just couples only is not really an option anymore. So, onto learning a "new normal".
The other upcoming event that could really use some prayer is Expresso. This is a time when women at our church gather and share their personal stories of different ways God has worked in their lives. It is really great and encouraging to see how God continues to work in such individual and unique ways to meet us all right where we are at and take care of our needs. I am on the schedule to speak next Tuesday. I am looking forward to it and also really nervous about it at the same time. I just know that the enemy is trying to get a hold of me in this area and make me fearful of speaking in front of others as well as distract me and cause other things to get in the way of my planning. I so desperately want it to be all about God and not me. My prayer is that He will just shine through my testimony and that others will be encouraged by how BIG of a God we serve and to see that He truly cares about our every need! It is quite amazing really. I am just so in love with Him and so humbled by the way that He has held me so close even when I have been tempted to just run away from it all. I remember at one time thinking I would like to just move away where no one knew me and all about my circumstances and to "start over" with my life. Yet, without the people He has surrounded me with here, I am not sure I would have ever made it. He continues to bless me and encourage me with friendships. Just today I received flowers from a dear friend, to "brighten my day". It was almost like God was saying again, "You are loved!" :-)
So, yes, there will always be a battle going on in our lives. Yet, we can be confident to know how it is going to end! We are all going to face our own personal battles daily, but we are not alone. Thank you, Lord, for watching our every step. My flesh and my heart may fail, but YOU are the strength of my heart and my portion forever! (Pslam 73:26)
"For You are my lamp, O Lord; the Lord shall enlighten my darkness. For by You I can run against a troop; by my God I can leap over a wall. As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him." (2 Samuel 22:29)
"It is God who arms me with strength, and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of deer, and sets me on high places. He teaches my hands to make war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze ... I have pursued my enemies and overtaken them; neither did I turn back again till they were destroyed. I have wounded them, so that they were not able to rise; they have fallen under my feet. For You have armed me with strength for the battle; You have subdued under me those who rose up against me." (Psalm 18:32,37)
Ultimately, I am just AMAZED how patient God is with me to keep hanging on to me as I feel like I am relearning the same lesson over and over again. "Keep trusting me, my child." I often hear as I read His Word. Thank you, Lord, for never letting me go!
God has used music to very effectively reach my heart. This is one song that may be an older one, but the words still are SO true as I go to bed tonight in awe of His grace. It DOES still amaze me!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Living without Daddy
As I begin this post, I am still sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I knew this day would come, but I didn't think so soon and I was hoping it wouldn't hurt SO badly. As a mother, there is nothing worse than seeing your child hurt and not being able to take away that pain. This has been a week of developing questions through the eyes of a two year old. One may think, how much can he really understand? Well, it appears more than I could ever imagine and in some ways, more than I could ever hope for.
Our bedtime routine usually consists of reading (a book of choice and a story from the Toddler Bible or other Bible story). We then pray together. I let Ethan choose some special person to pray for and then we pray for that person(s). This is usually a family member or a friend we just saw that day. Sometimes he also wants to pray for Bob or Larry (Veggie Tales). Lately, he has been becoming a bit of a pro at delaying the last tuck in and kiss goodnight. I have to admit, I am kind of a sucker for a sweet one-on-one conversation and so will often let him talk a bit about the day and we often talk about what we have to look forward to the next day.
Well, this week, he has been bringing up Daddy more and more. It started out with a sweet "I love my Mommy and I love my Daddy." one night. I just kind of let it go thinking that was sweet. The next night he said it again and followed it with, "Daddy go home." I wasn't sure if this was a question or a statement, so I said, "Yes...daddy went home.." and before I could finish he interrupted with, "to Jesus home" I was happy to see that he did not seem upset by it, but was stating what he understood. A few tears started to form in my eyes. I thought I would hold it together better, but I couldn't. I was partly sad because it made me miss his daddy and all he was missing out on by not having him here. Partly, they were tears of joy that my sweet boy knew that Jesus was with Daddy. He was immediately concerned that I was crying (so tenderhearted!) and so I tried to tell him I was just sad because I missed daddy, not because of anything he did. Then, he started to ask if daddy would come to mommy's house. I said that he couldn't because he was really hurt and so Jesus took him home to live with Him and that he was all better now and we could see him again someday. Not really sure if that was what I had been counseled to say, but in the moment, you just have to speak when a two year old is demanding answers. Well, the daddy talk has continued all week. Tonight, at supper, he was even making a "family" out of his grapes..."Daddy, Mommy, and Ethan" lining them all up with the little one being him, of course. :-) Then, tonight, I really lost it. As I was putting him to bed, he just said we had to pray for daddy to come to mommy's house. He stood up on his bed trying to reach the picture of his daddy and started yelling, "Daddy, Mommy and Ethan's house, NOW!" I tried so hard to not cry again, but how can you just watch your child wanting so badly for something you yourself want for them as well and not cry. He did not see me cry, but began literally sobbing himself as he continued to yell. I then, also, began to sob like a baby as I just held him and rocked him. He fell asleep tonight just crying in my arms. I don't even know how much he truly understands, but I do know he is experiencing some true emotions about it all. He is starting to notice that other kids have daddys and often talks about their daddys. I keep thinking, "He is only two and a half, how much can he really wrap his mind around?"
Yet, even in the midst of all of the pain, his little two-year old brain, understands one thing. It was almost as if God were reminding me tonight through Ethan's words (from earlier this week)...He said, "God loves daddy... loves Ethan and mommy too" Again I am reminded at what an amazing God we serve that He can reach even the heart of a two year old with his love.
I had to quickly turn my mind to His word and what His love is all about, because for a moment, I was feeling so unloved, so angry that God would allow this to happen to a sweet innocent boy. For me to lose my husband is terrible, heartbreaking, and so lonely at times, BUT for Ethan to lose his daddy just seems devastating and so unfair!! After I laid him down in his bed, I just laid my head down on his bed beside him with my hand on his heart and prayed for him. I knew it would be so tempting to just run away and even go cry myself to sleep, but instead, I decided I must face this God that had allowed this to happen. I MUST trust Him and remember that He is big enough to handle even this situation. I knew that He would not allow this to happen without a bigger purpose. I just prayed that He would make Ethan's heart so soft to His love and that Ethan would grow up with an amazing trust in God that even his mommy could not understand. I prayed that God would make him a man after His own heart and that he would not stray from Him, but that he would look to Him for all of his needs. I prayed that God would step it up in Ethan's life :-) and fill that void and just love Him in a way that would be more than enough to meet his needs. I also prayed that I would have the words to say and the emotional strength to go back through this all again. I have been told that when a child loses a parent, there are so many stages of grief that will just keep reappearing throughout life. I want to just take it all away for him. I know that, only with God's strength, are we going to get through this together!
After I left Ethan's room, I began to read. I was reminded that our human love has so many limitations. I am not perfect and so my love is not perfect for Ethan. But, God IS! "How completely satisfying to turn from our limitations to a God who has none."
~A.W. Tozer
The vastness of his love means that I can always count on his love. Humans will fail us even in their greatest attempts to love, but God never will! In fact, my mind isn't great enough to even grasp the fullness of God's love for me and my son. God loves me far more than I will ever know.
As I was taking some time to look for truth on God's love for me, these are a couple of verses I found that encouraged me. Even though there are still so many questions in my head and my future is still so unclear at times, I pray these verses will be true in my life. I know that God did not guarantee this life on earth would be easy, so I pray that even through the tough times, I would be faithful to glorify His name!
Psalm 86: 12-13
I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.
Hosea 11:8
How can I abandon you? My heart will not let me do it! My love for you is too strong.
(Good News translation)
Jeremiah 31:3
I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.
Our bedtime routine usually consists of reading (a book of choice and a story from the Toddler Bible or other Bible story). We then pray together. I let Ethan choose some special person to pray for and then we pray for that person(s). This is usually a family member or a friend we just saw that day. Sometimes he also wants to pray for Bob or Larry (Veggie Tales). Lately, he has been becoming a bit of a pro at delaying the last tuck in and kiss goodnight. I have to admit, I am kind of a sucker for a sweet one-on-one conversation and so will often let him talk a bit about the day and we often talk about what we have to look forward to the next day.
Well, this week, he has been bringing up Daddy more and more. It started out with a sweet "I love my Mommy and I love my Daddy." one night. I just kind of let it go thinking that was sweet. The next night he said it again and followed it with, "Daddy go home." I wasn't sure if this was a question or a statement, so I said, "Yes...daddy went home.." and before I could finish he interrupted with, "to Jesus home" I was happy to see that he did not seem upset by it, but was stating what he understood. A few tears started to form in my eyes. I thought I would hold it together better, but I couldn't. I was partly sad because it made me miss his daddy and all he was missing out on by not having him here. Partly, they were tears of joy that my sweet boy knew that Jesus was with Daddy. He was immediately concerned that I was crying (so tenderhearted!) and so I tried to tell him I was just sad because I missed daddy, not because of anything he did. Then, he started to ask if daddy would come to mommy's house. I said that he couldn't because he was really hurt and so Jesus took him home to live with Him and that he was all better now and we could see him again someday. Not really sure if that was what I had been counseled to say, but in the moment, you just have to speak when a two year old is demanding answers. Well, the daddy talk has continued all week. Tonight, at supper, he was even making a "family" out of his grapes..."Daddy, Mommy, and Ethan" lining them all up with the little one being him, of course. :-) Then, tonight, I really lost it. As I was putting him to bed, he just said we had to pray for daddy to come to mommy's house. He stood up on his bed trying to reach the picture of his daddy and started yelling, "Daddy, Mommy and Ethan's house, NOW!" I tried so hard to not cry again, but how can you just watch your child wanting so badly for something you yourself want for them as well and not cry. He did not see me cry, but began literally sobbing himself as he continued to yell. I then, also, began to sob like a baby as I just held him and rocked him. He fell asleep tonight just crying in my arms. I don't even know how much he truly understands, but I do know he is experiencing some true emotions about it all. He is starting to notice that other kids have daddys and often talks about their daddys. I keep thinking, "He is only two and a half, how much can he really wrap his mind around?"
Yet, even in the midst of all of the pain, his little two-year old brain, understands one thing. It was almost as if God were reminding me tonight through Ethan's words (from earlier this week)...He said, "God loves daddy... loves Ethan and mommy too" Again I am reminded at what an amazing God we serve that He can reach even the heart of a two year old with his love.
I had to quickly turn my mind to His word and what His love is all about, because for a moment, I was feeling so unloved, so angry that God would allow this to happen to a sweet innocent boy. For me to lose my husband is terrible, heartbreaking, and so lonely at times, BUT for Ethan to lose his daddy just seems devastating and so unfair!! After I laid him down in his bed, I just laid my head down on his bed beside him with my hand on his heart and prayed for him. I knew it would be so tempting to just run away and even go cry myself to sleep, but instead, I decided I must face this God that had allowed this to happen. I MUST trust Him and remember that He is big enough to handle even this situation. I knew that He would not allow this to happen without a bigger purpose. I just prayed that He would make Ethan's heart so soft to His love and that Ethan would grow up with an amazing trust in God that even his mommy could not understand. I prayed that God would make him a man after His own heart and that he would not stray from Him, but that he would look to Him for all of his needs. I prayed that God would step it up in Ethan's life :-) and fill that void and just love Him in a way that would be more than enough to meet his needs. I also prayed that I would have the words to say and the emotional strength to go back through this all again. I have been told that when a child loses a parent, there are so many stages of grief that will just keep reappearing throughout life. I want to just take it all away for him. I know that, only with God's strength, are we going to get through this together!
After I left Ethan's room, I began to read. I was reminded that our human love has so many limitations. I am not perfect and so my love is not perfect for Ethan. But, God IS! "How completely satisfying to turn from our limitations to a God who has none."
~A.W. Tozer
The vastness of his love means that I can always count on his love. Humans will fail us even in their greatest attempts to love, but God never will! In fact, my mind isn't great enough to even grasp the fullness of God's love for me and my son. God loves me far more than I will ever know.
As I was taking some time to look for truth on God's love for me, these are a couple of verses I found that encouraged me. Even though there are still so many questions in my head and my future is still so unclear at times, I pray these verses will be true in my life. I know that God did not guarantee this life on earth would be easy, so I pray that even through the tough times, I would be faithful to glorify His name!
Psalm 86: 12-13
I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.
Hosea 11:8
How can I abandon you? My heart will not let me do it! My love for you is too strong.
(Good News translation)
Jeremiah 31:3
I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Discovering Who I Am
This has been a week where I have been able to step back and really analyze a bit who I was before grief, who I am after grief, and who I am still becoming. When tragedy hits ones life, esp. so suddenly, it completely consumes you for a bit. As I look back over the past 14 months, there are moments that I can't even remember because I was in such a state of shock or times that I just didn't even allow myself to feel because it just hurt too badly. There are still times, even though I think I have come so far, I feel like someone just socked me in the stomach. For example, on Thursday, I had to drive over the Topeka Blvd. bridge to get to a friend's house. It is actually a very pretty bridge and I tried to point that out to Ethan as we crossed. He noticed the clock and all of the lights and was very excited to go over a bridge. (He is really into building any kind of bridge, tunnel, or road these days!) Yet, as we drove over it, my mind was just flooded (yet again) with terrible memories and I actually felt nauseated for a moment as I stepped on the gas pedal to just get over it a bit more quickly. After I crossed, I wondered for a moment if I would ever be able to let those thoughts and images go, or if they would haunt me for my lifetime. Thankfully, I was quickly distracted by the incredibly cheap gas prices as I reached the other side. :-)
Another milestone we hit this week, was Ethan turning 29 months. We continued on with daddy's tradition to do something special to celebrate every month that we had Ethan in our lives. In the past months, I have done everything from buying a new Hot Wheel car to a trip to a new and special park. Well, this month was a little more of a celebration for us both. I was also excited about how far God had brought us. I realized that Rich had now been out of Ethan's life one month longer than he had ever been a part of it. Though this made me a bit sad, I was also so thankful that He had brought us this far and continuing to shower us with grace and mercy. This past month, I have started to feel a bit like I am able to just be me again. It has been nice to feel like I am starting to laugh almost daily again. I also feel like I have my energy back and have enjoyed waking up feeling refreshed and excited to start a new day, instead of dreading it and just praying for God to get me through it. I am enjoying more social time with friends and family again and learning how to do that without being overwhelmed at the idea of having a child and the full responsibility of having him in my care 24/7. And, though it is still a bit of a struggle, I am learning to reach out and ask for help from time to time. So, I decided this month called for a bit bigger celebration. I told Ethan he was 29 months and that Mommy wanted to celebrate with him the special time we have had together. The conversation went something like this...
Me- Happy 29 months, Ethan!
Ethan- (giggle)
Me- What do you want to do to celebrate?
Ethan-- Hmmm..Go to restaurant?
Me-- Wow! (kind of surprised, but curious) What restaurant?
Ethan-- Red Robin! :-)
Me-- Okay! (This is so funny b/c we have only been there one time quite a long time ago. It must have made an impression on him!)
So, we called up a couple of my spontaneous friends and headed off to Red Robin. To make the evening even more exciting, it just happen to be kids' night at Red Robin on Monday nights. (Who would have known?) So, he got to meet Red Robin, in costume, and loved it. He also got to have an amazing balloon lady make him a HUGE monkey and he got a free milkshake to top it all off. It was a fun night and good for us both to just get out and enjoy some time together and with friends we love.
I have also been thinking a lot about who I was before it all happened. Though my identity, thankfully, was not wrapped up completely in being Rich's wife, that was a big part of who I was. I loved being a wife. There is something very fulfilling in being someone's helpmate. I wanted to be there to support, love, and cherish this man for the rest of my life. I enjoyed leaving him silly notes on the mirror and surprising him at work with lunch and making him cheesy cards and gifts. Honestly, I didn't always love cleaning up after him, but I miss it now. And, I loved being so loved. Rich was SO good at making me feel special. He used to say that he was put on this earth to serve his King (God) and his queen (me). He would probably hate that I am sharing all of the romantic things he used to do, but I want Ethan to know what kind of a man his daddy was and I am so afraid that I may forget them as time goes on. He did, often, treat me like a queen...pampering me so much. I remember that he used to say that he couldn't wait until we had kids. He talked about how he would take them away on Sat. mornings and let that be the day that I could just sleep in or have time to myself to do whatever. Realistically, I knew that could not really happen every Saturday morning, but I know he probably would have tried. On these cold nights, I am reminded of how he would cuddle with me in bed and tell me to put my cold feet under his leg to warm them up. He was always wanting to take care of me and protect me and provide me with anything I needed or wanted. In fact, he was so bad about this, I honestly had to be careful to never say I wanted something, because he would work all the harder just to try and make sure I could have it. He used to spend hours on things just to surprise me for a moment. I'll never forget the surprise party he threw for my 30th birthday. He had a whole list made up for our babysitter (thanks, Kara!) of what things went into which bowls or certain platters, knowing that if I were to host a party I would want to use certain dishes. It was far from how I would have presented it, but because it was presented with so much love, I could not help but think it was the best! It is really hard to go from being someone's wife to suddenly single. I still find myself wanting to pray for him because I so enjoyed doing that. I am starting to think sometimes that I would love to be married again. Yet, I just don't know if I would be ready for this and not sure how to do it again without comparing. I do truly miss the companionship. There have been moments that I have experienced such intense times of loneliness. Yet, I realize that God is using even those moments to draw me closer to Him. I have to rely on Him for my strength and my future because He is really the only one that knows how this little life of mine is going to turn out.
So, for now, I am trying to concentrate on who God wants me to become. I still have SO much to learn and so much growing to do. Yet, I think I can honestly say that I am at a point in my life where I can, as Paul did, rejoice in my sufferings. I thought I had a close relationship with God before all of this happened. Though I still have so far to go, I feel like I am learning more and more what it truly means to have a relationship with Him. I am actually content with where God has me at this point in my life. I have so very much to be thankful for daily. I am also a little more aware of my weaknesses and points in my life where I am vulnerable and needing to be on guard. I want to be quick to let Christ fill my heart and not the things or people around me. Though he does use them so effectively in my life as well, they are really more of a bonus. Without Him, I have nothing! It is encouraging to know that He still has plans for my life and that I can be used in ways to impact eternity. I love the joy and responsibility that comes from being a parent. It is amazing to invest in the life of a child and watch as God develops their faith in Him. It just warms my heart to hear Ethan pray (even if he is just thanking God for Veggie Tales). As I ask him questions after his devotional, it is so amazing how he already seems to know that God loves him. What a mighty God we serve that he can reach out and make a two-year old feel loved by Him! I know that there are still SO many people in this world that don't even know such a God exists and it just breaks my heart. I pray that my heart is forever changed and that if that means that I have to endure even more suffering in the future (which I am sure there is more to come for us all as we live in a sin-filled world) I pray that I will openly accept it knowing that God will grant me the grace to get through it and that it will be used to change my life and many many others' lives for eternity.
I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. ~Philippians 3:10-14
Another milestone we hit this week, was Ethan turning 29 months. We continued on with daddy's tradition to do something special to celebrate every month that we had Ethan in our lives. In the past months, I have done everything from buying a new Hot Wheel car to a trip to a new and special park. Well, this month was a little more of a celebration for us both. I was also excited about how far God had brought us. I realized that Rich had now been out of Ethan's life one month longer than he had ever been a part of it. Though this made me a bit sad, I was also so thankful that He had brought us this far and continuing to shower us with grace and mercy. This past month, I have started to feel a bit like I am able to just be me again. It has been nice to feel like I am starting to laugh almost daily again. I also feel like I have my energy back and have enjoyed waking up feeling refreshed and excited to start a new day, instead of dreading it and just praying for God to get me through it. I am enjoying more social time with friends and family again and learning how to do that without being overwhelmed at the idea of having a child and the full responsibility of having him in my care 24/7. And, though it is still a bit of a struggle, I am learning to reach out and ask for help from time to time. So, I decided this month called for a bit bigger celebration. I told Ethan he was 29 months and that Mommy wanted to celebrate with him the special time we have had together. The conversation went something like this...
Me- Happy 29 months, Ethan!
Ethan- (giggle)
Me- What do you want to do to celebrate?
Ethan-- Hmmm..Go to restaurant?
Me-- Wow! (kind of surprised, but curious) What restaurant?
Ethan-- Red Robin! :-)
Me-- Okay! (This is so funny b/c we have only been there one time quite a long time ago. It must have made an impression on him!)
So, we called up a couple of my spontaneous friends and headed off to Red Robin. To make the evening even more exciting, it just happen to be kids' night at Red Robin on Monday nights. (Who would have known?) So, he got to meet Red Robin, in costume, and loved it. He also got to have an amazing balloon lady make him a HUGE monkey and he got a free milkshake to top it all off. It was a fun night and good for us both to just get out and enjoy some time together and with friends we love.
I have also been thinking a lot about who I was before it all happened. Though my identity, thankfully, was not wrapped up completely in being Rich's wife, that was a big part of who I was. I loved being a wife. There is something very fulfilling in being someone's helpmate. I wanted to be there to support, love, and cherish this man for the rest of my life. I enjoyed leaving him silly notes on the mirror and surprising him at work with lunch and making him cheesy cards and gifts. Honestly, I didn't always love cleaning up after him, but I miss it now. And, I loved being so loved. Rich was SO good at making me feel special. He used to say that he was put on this earth to serve his King (God) and his queen (me). He would probably hate that I am sharing all of the romantic things he used to do, but I want Ethan to know what kind of a man his daddy was and I am so afraid that I may forget them as time goes on. He did, often, treat me like a queen...pampering me so much. I remember that he used to say that he couldn't wait until we had kids. He talked about how he would take them away on Sat. mornings and let that be the day that I could just sleep in or have time to myself to do whatever. Realistically, I knew that could not really happen every Saturday morning, but I know he probably would have tried. On these cold nights, I am reminded of how he would cuddle with me in bed and tell me to put my cold feet under his leg to warm them up. He was always wanting to take care of me and protect me and provide me with anything I needed or wanted. In fact, he was so bad about this, I honestly had to be careful to never say I wanted something, because he would work all the harder just to try and make sure I could have it. He used to spend hours on things just to surprise me for a moment. I'll never forget the surprise party he threw for my 30th birthday. He had a whole list made up for our babysitter (thanks, Kara!) of what things went into which bowls or certain platters, knowing that if I were to host a party I would want to use certain dishes. It was far from how I would have presented it, but because it was presented with so much love, I could not help but think it was the best! It is really hard to go from being someone's wife to suddenly single. I still find myself wanting to pray for him because I so enjoyed doing that. I am starting to think sometimes that I would love to be married again. Yet, I just don't know if I would be ready for this and not sure how to do it again without comparing. I do truly miss the companionship. There have been moments that I have experienced such intense times of loneliness. Yet, I realize that God is using even those moments to draw me closer to Him. I have to rely on Him for my strength and my future because He is really the only one that knows how this little life of mine is going to turn out.
So, for now, I am trying to concentrate on who God wants me to become. I still have SO much to learn and so much growing to do. Yet, I think I can honestly say that I am at a point in my life where I can, as Paul did, rejoice in my sufferings. I thought I had a close relationship with God before all of this happened. Though I still have so far to go, I feel like I am learning more and more what it truly means to have a relationship with Him. I am actually content with where God has me at this point in my life. I have so very much to be thankful for daily. I am also a little more aware of my weaknesses and points in my life where I am vulnerable and needing to be on guard. I want to be quick to let Christ fill my heart and not the things or people around me. Though he does use them so effectively in my life as well, they are really more of a bonus. Without Him, I have nothing! It is encouraging to know that He still has plans for my life and that I can be used in ways to impact eternity. I love the joy and responsibility that comes from being a parent. It is amazing to invest in the life of a child and watch as God develops their faith in Him. It just warms my heart to hear Ethan pray (even if he is just thanking God for Veggie Tales). As I ask him questions after his devotional, it is so amazing how he already seems to know that God loves him. What a mighty God we serve that he can reach out and make a two-year old feel loved by Him! I know that there are still SO many people in this world that don't even know such a God exists and it just breaks my heart. I pray that my heart is forever changed and that if that means that I have to endure even more suffering in the future (which I am sure there is more to come for us all as we live in a sin-filled world) I pray that I will openly accept it knowing that God will grant me the grace to get through it and that it will be used to change my life and many many others' lives for eternity.
I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. ~Philippians 3:10-14
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Bountiful Blessings and Lessons
Another week has gone by quickly. I feel like my life is definitely back to a bit more of a "normal". Yet, there are some things in my life that I would like to stay changedforever! I don't want to have gone through such a traumatic change in my life and not have God use it to shape me into more of who He desires for me to be. I find myself easily slipping back into being a bit lazy with my personal time with Him. I don't think I could ever give it up completely. A part of me is scared to not spend daily time with Him. I think it is more of a good scare...kind of the whole fearing God concept. I want to be close to Him and, honestly, it scares me how far I would fall if I were not to fill my mind with His truth daily. It is so easy to get caught up in the day to day activities though and not think about all of the opportunities we have to expand His kingdom for eternity! I run into people daily and I wonder how they make it through this life without Him. My heart has definitely been softened for hurting people. I can't even hardly watch the news anymore without wanting to write a letter to this or that person that has lost someone in their life. I know I can't reach everyone, but it just breaks my heart to think of losing someone you love. I just want them to know that someone cares and is praying for them.
It can be hard being so sensitive to what is going on around you, but I think that is what we are called to do. I WANT to notice all of the opportunities that surround me. Yet, I find myself often being irritated rather than softened by the people that surround me in this world. It is easier to get annoyed rather than to stop and pray for that person that cut you off and then flips you off while driving down the road. At least Ethan is innocent enough to wave back and say, "Hi!" :-) There is a LOT of wisdom in the idea of having faith like a child. I want the innocence that I see on a daily basis in Ethan to rub off on me. It breaks my heart to think that he will someday be exposed to the harsh realities of this world. I pray his heart will never be hardened, but that he will keep his sweet demeanor as he loves others like Christ would want us to love others. Lately, his favorite phrase is, "No problem." It makes me smile and reminds me that, in the grand scheme of things, it really is no problem!
I have read recently, and a friend also mentioned to me that I must be living life with a foot here on earth and a foot in heaven. I often feel like this and I used to feel guilty for wanting to be there instead of here at times. Yet, I know we will never be truly satisfied on this earth due to the imperfections (the sin). I think it is natural to long to be there, but God has placed us here for a reason. If he were ready for me to be there, I can see that there is no guarantee that will not be tomorrow. So, until then, I want to live my life running to Him in everything I do. I don't want to settle into the day-to-day and be satisfied with that. I want to be so excited about Him, that others cannot help but ask. I also want Ethan to grow up seeing firsthand that Christ DOES make a difference in your life!
"But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall" (Malachi 4:2). I want to be a calf! He he
There are so many distractions in this world. It is almost humorous to me that we all seem to be in this race of life trying to get more and more material things...for what?! So they can all burn? I find myself getting caught up in it too. I am more than blessed with all I have and yet God continues to provide! Just this last week, I received yet another generous donation in the Heyroth account. I keep thinking I should close it, but money just keeps appearing! It brings me to tears every time that others love so generously and don't want Ethan and me to do without anything. He continues to provide. Another huge blessing this past week is that Ethan was approved for Healthwave. This allows me to pay just a very small amount monthly for his health insurance and makes my health plan so much more affordable. Yet again, God provides! I was reminded of yet another quote I read..."Worry doesn't help tomorrow's troubles, but it does ruin today's happiness." Isn't that so true? "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" (Matt. 7:34 & 27) AND, God continued to bless me by providing me with a very successful garage sale. As I counted the grand total, I was shocked. I made almost five hundred dollars. It was almost like the feeding of the five thousand. :-) I really didn't have that much to sell, but the money just continued to come and come.
Another lesson I have learned is the value in forming new friendships. Don't get me wrong, I will continue to develop the friendships I have as well. In fact, without the people God placed in my life, I don't know how I would be where I am today. Yet, there are still times when I just don't know where I fit. I have been looking into Sunday School classes and though there are classes for married, singles, families, and even single moms, I have just been a bit fearful of taking the plunge. I feel so loved and accepted by everyone, but I sometimes feel like my own category. I realize and am accepting now that I am no longer married. Yet, I don't really feel single. However, I would much rather use the word single than widowed. I have been contemplating the idea of going on a retreat with singles coming up in November. At first I was completely opposed to the idea. But, the longer I thought about it, the more I thought it may be a good step. This past week I have had a few late nights hanging out with one old friend and a couple of new friends. I have discovered there is something really healthy in forming new relationships with people that did not even know Rich. I remember learning about that at one point in Grief Share, but at the time, thought that was ridiculous because of all of the support I was getting from my friends. Yet, I can also see the wisdom in realizing that I am starting a new chapter in my life. The past will always be part of my "book" and has helped develop the plot, but there are also so many new beginnings. These people also know me just for me and not my grief. It is kind of refreshing to begin new friendships. I'm trying to get excited about and look forward to how my book is going to continue to develop. I'm just thankful that I DO know the ending!
I have started reading Desiring God by John Piper. I read this book in college and was very challenged by some of the ideas. It is so interesting how differently I view it now that I have actually "lived life" a little. Yet, there is one quote that I will always remember from this book. It is what actually inspired me to pick it up and read it again. "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." I want to live a life that brings God glory. Being the people-pleaser that I am, it is easy to find myself wanting to DO more and more. It was good to be reminded that He is glorified by me just finding my hope and joy in knowing Him!! I think the more I learn about who He is, the more I naturally do the things He desires for me to do.
It can be hard being so sensitive to what is going on around you, but I think that is what we are called to do. I WANT to notice all of the opportunities that surround me. Yet, I find myself often being irritated rather than softened by the people that surround me in this world. It is easier to get annoyed rather than to stop and pray for that person that cut you off and then flips you off while driving down the road. At least Ethan is innocent enough to wave back and say, "Hi!" :-) There is a LOT of wisdom in the idea of having faith like a child. I want the innocence that I see on a daily basis in Ethan to rub off on me. It breaks my heart to think that he will someday be exposed to the harsh realities of this world. I pray his heart will never be hardened, but that he will keep his sweet demeanor as he loves others like Christ would want us to love others. Lately, his favorite phrase is, "No problem." It makes me smile and reminds me that, in the grand scheme of things, it really is no problem!
I have read recently, and a friend also mentioned to me that I must be living life with a foot here on earth and a foot in heaven. I often feel like this and I used to feel guilty for wanting to be there instead of here at times. Yet, I know we will never be truly satisfied on this earth due to the imperfections (the sin). I think it is natural to long to be there, but God has placed us here for a reason. If he were ready for me to be there, I can see that there is no guarantee that will not be tomorrow. So, until then, I want to live my life running to Him in everything I do. I don't want to settle into the day-to-day and be satisfied with that. I want to be so excited about Him, that others cannot help but ask. I also want Ethan to grow up seeing firsthand that Christ DOES make a difference in your life!
"But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall" (Malachi 4:2). I want to be a calf! He he
There are so many distractions in this world. It is almost humorous to me that we all seem to be in this race of life trying to get more and more material things...for what?! So they can all burn? I find myself getting caught up in it too. I am more than blessed with all I have and yet God continues to provide! Just this last week, I received yet another generous donation in the Heyroth account. I keep thinking I should close it, but money just keeps appearing! It brings me to tears every time that others love so generously and don't want Ethan and me to do without anything. He continues to provide. Another huge blessing this past week is that Ethan was approved for Healthwave. This allows me to pay just a very small amount monthly for his health insurance and makes my health plan so much more affordable. Yet again, God provides! I was reminded of yet another quote I read..."Worry doesn't help tomorrow's troubles, but it does ruin today's happiness." Isn't that so true? "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" (Matt. 7:34 & 27) AND, God continued to bless me by providing me with a very successful garage sale. As I counted the grand total, I was shocked. I made almost five hundred dollars. It was almost like the feeding of the five thousand. :-) I really didn't have that much to sell, but the money just continued to come and come.
Another lesson I have learned is the value in forming new friendships. Don't get me wrong, I will continue to develop the friendships I have as well. In fact, without the people God placed in my life, I don't know how I would be where I am today. Yet, there are still times when I just don't know where I fit. I have been looking into Sunday School classes and though there are classes for married, singles, families, and even single moms, I have just been a bit fearful of taking the plunge. I feel so loved and accepted by everyone, but I sometimes feel like my own category. I realize and am accepting now that I am no longer married. Yet, I don't really feel single. However, I would much rather use the word single than widowed. I have been contemplating the idea of going on a retreat with singles coming up in November. At first I was completely opposed to the idea. But, the longer I thought about it, the more I thought it may be a good step. This past week I have had a few late nights hanging out with one old friend and a couple of new friends. I have discovered there is something really healthy in forming new relationships with people that did not even know Rich. I remember learning about that at one point in Grief Share, but at the time, thought that was ridiculous because of all of the support I was getting from my friends. Yet, I can also see the wisdom in realizing that I am starting a new chapter in my life. The past will always be part of my "book" and has helped develop the plot, but there are also so many new beginnings. These people also know me just for me and not my grief. It is kind of refreshing to begin new friendships. I'm trying to get excited about and look forward to how my book is going to continue to develop. I'm just thankful that I DO know the ending!
I have started reading Desiring God by John Piper. I read this book in college and was very challenged by some of the ideas. It is so interesting how differently I view it now that I have actually "lived life" a little. Yet, there is one quote that I will always remember from this book. It is what actually inspired me to pick it up and read it again. "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." I want to live a life that brings God glory. Being the people-pleaser that I am, it is easy to find myself wanting to DO more and more. It was good to be reminded that He is glorified by me just finding my hope and joy in knowing Him!! I think the more I learn about who He is, the more I naturally do the things He desires for me to do.
Disappear by Bebo Norman
My video lesson of the week--
He says it all much more eloquently than I could! :-)
My video lesson of the week--
He says it all much more eloquently than I could! :-)
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Losing my Grandma
When I learned on Thursday that my grandma had passed away, I was surprised by the tears that came on so suddenly after I hung up the phone with the news. This had been expected and in some ways, even wanted by my grandma herself. She was a woman with such a deep love for her Savior. This was often expressed in her music or words that she would write in letters to her family. She had lost my grandpa six years before and her heart was ready to join him and her Lord in heaven. She was ready to be made perfect. She had already experienced many strokes. Yet, her body continued to stay strong and she would amazingly recover and continued to play the piano until a week before she died. When she was brought to Topeka, exactly a month before her death, the doctors had said it would not be long. We were SO blessed to get quality time with her. She recovered better than they ever thought possible from the bleeding around her brain. She was able to write a letter to each of her children and even her fifteen grandchildren. My father (her eldest son) was able to be at her side and write letters as she dictated to other family and even the Manor where she had spent the last years of her life. EVERY child and grandchild was able to come to Topeka in this time and spend some time at her side. She died peacefully and even rather quickly. It was what most people would say to be the ideal way to die. Yet, as I entered the church to attend the funeral on Sunday, I felt anything but peace.
My emotions were ALL over the place today. I was actually happy for my grandma that she had lived a full life and was now experiencing the joy of being in the presence of God. There was also so much joy in my heart as I was surrounded by the people that I love so dearly. As the hugs began, the tears began to form. I tried SO hard to fight them, but it was too late. As the floodgates opened, it was hard to stop. I felt guilty that my tears were only a little for my grandma, and mostly for Rich. There were just so many bittersweet memories. I had shared some very special moments with Rich at the bedside of my grandpa before he had died. I also remember so vividly singing with Rich as he played the guitar at my grandpa's funeral. AND, there were the times we were able to make it up to the tiny town of Miltonvale to attend my grandma's small church of Senior Citizens. She was so sweet and overly praised our efforts when we would sing for their "special" on Sunday mornings. She also took the time and GREAT effort to write me letters after Rich had died to offer encouragement and love as she could relate first hand what it felt like to lose the love of her life. Her words would always direct me to our FIRST love--Christ and remind me that we would soon be reunited. My grandma dying seemed to make sense. Not having Rich there to be by my side through it all did not make any sense at all. The natural order of life was all messed up.
It was not only him not being there that was hard, but the memories of his own funeral began to surface. All of these feelings that I thought I had dealt with and let go were stirring back up. I began to fight the urge to walk out of the church and keep myself from letting the tears turn into sobbing. Death has forever taken on a whole new and very personal meaning to me. Even though I could rejoice in the fact that my Grandma was in heaven, I could not help but think that a part of me wished it were me. To be done with the sufferings of this world and the daily battle of learning to trust over and over again. Ahhh, how I look forward to those days.
The hardest part about the day was struggling with my feelings of "if only". I was just wishing I had the opportunity to tell Rich good-bye that I had with my grandma. If only I had been able to have even one minute with him. If only he had died of some illness where I could have been at his side and spent precious moments praying with him and telling him how much I loved him over and over again. I HATE, just hate that he was pulled away from me so suddenly. I know it would have been hard to watch him die slowly, but selfishly, I want those days. Even though I have never enjoyed the "viewing" of a body at a funeral (because really it is just an empty shell), I wish others had been able to have the opportunity to look at more than just a picture of Rich. There just seems like there is no closure. I wonder what his last thoughts were or if he even had the chance to realize this was the end.
This funeral brought back SO much pain. I am exhausted from it all. I just want it to all go away and for my life to begin again. There are days that things are going so well and I can focus on my purpose here on earth and trust God completely with my life and heart. And then, there are days like this. Will it ever go away? Am I going to live fifty more years with this knot in my stomach that continues to resurface whenever a memory is triggered? Most days I feel like I am moving forward and doing well with it all. But then there is another "first", and I start all over again.
I will choose, yet again, to trust Him with my life and my future. Even though, on a day like this, it looks quite dismal, I know there is hope in Him! One of my Grandma's favorite passage in her last days was Psalm 91. It is one that I have marked in my book of paraphrased Psalms. It says...
That one whose faith is focuse on God,
Who finds security in Him,
Does not have to live in fear.
He is not left untouched by the tempests of this life,
And he may be wounded by the onslaughts of evil,
But his great God does not leave him to suffer these things alone.
The Lord cares for His own and delivers him even in the midst of the conflicts that plague him
If God is truly your God,
You do not have to be afraid of the enemy that threatens or the affliction that lays you low.
Men all about you may fall, never to rise again,
But the Lord is by your side to raise you to your feet and to lead you to ultimate victory.
Even in the ministering spirits of His invisible world are watching over you.
They will not allow anything to hurt you except by God's loving permission and through His eternal concern.
Our loving God has promised it:
"Because My child loves Me, I will never let him go.
I shall feel the pain of his wounds and bear his hurt and shall transform that which is ugly into that which enriches and blesses.
And when he cries out in agony, I shall hear and answer him.
I will be close to him and will deliver him,
and I will grant him eternal life."
I need to use truth in my life daily to fight the lies that creep into my head. This morning as I was out running, I almost had a panic attack as my mind wondered into the "what ifs" of my future. I started questioning whether I had enough love for God to handle it if I were to lose even more precious people in my life. For a brief moment, I thought about losing Ethan. Would I trust God enough with that as well? I remember Rich and I discussing the possibility and how we had to hold him at arm's length remembering that he was not really ours, but that he belonged to God. We loved him with all of our hearts, but also looked at him as a gift on loan to us. I thought it would break my heart, but with God's strength I could handle losing him if that was His will. When Rich died, I remember thinking, I don't think I ever thought about Rich being on loan to me the way I did Ethan. Why didn't I pray that over him as well? I was NOT big enough to handle losing him, but God WAS! As I stopped to pray, I realized that as much as I tried to control my life, I was in much better hands allowing God to take charge. So, even though I don't know how I could ever face another sudden loss in my life, I am taking it one day at a time. I choose NOT to live my life in fear of the "what ifs". I pray that I would embrace the truths of Psalm 91 in my life.
My emotions were ALL over the place today. I was actually happy for my grandma that she had lived a full life and was now experiencing the joy of being in the presence of God. There was also so much joy in my heart as I was surrounded by the people that I love so dearly. As the hugs began, the tears began to form. I tried SO hard to fight them, but it was too late. As the floodgates opened, it was hard to stop. I felt guilty that my tears were only a little for my grandma, and mostly for Rich. There were just so many bittersweet memories. I had shared some very special moments with Rich at the bedside of my grandpa before he had died. I also remember so vividly singing with Rich as he played the guitar at my grandpa's funeral. AND, there were the times we were able to make it up to the tiny town of Miltonvale to attend my grandma's small church of Senior Citizens. She was so sweet and overly praised our efforts when we would sing for their "special" on Sunday mornings. She also took the time and GREAT effort to write me letters after Rich had died to offer encouragement and love as she could relate first hand what it felt like to lose the love of her life. Her words would always direct me to our FIRST love--Christ and remind me that we would soon be reunited. My grandma dying seemed to make sense. Not having Rich there to be by my side through it all did not make any sense at all. The natural order of life was all messed up.
It was not only him not being there that was hard, but the memories of his own funeral began to surface. All of these feelings that I thought I had dealt with and let go were stirring back up. I began to fight the urge to walk out of the church and keep myself from letting the tears turn into sobbing. Death has forever taken on a whole new and very personal meaning to me. Even though I could rejoice in the fact that my Grandma was in heaven, I could not help but think that a part of me wished it were me. To be done with the sufferings of this world and the daily battle of learning to trust over and over again. Ahhh, how I look forward to those days.
The hardest part about the day was struggling with my feelings of "if only". I was just wishing I had the opportunity to tell Rich good-bye that I had with my grandma. If only I had been able to have even one minute with him. If only he had died of some illness where I could have been at his side and spent precious moments praying with him and telling him how much I loved him over and over again. I HATE, just hate that he was pulled away from me so suddenly. I know it would have been hard to watch him die slowly, but selfishly, I want those days. Even though I have never enjoyed the "viewing" of a body at a funeral (because really it is just an empty shell), I wish others had been able to have the opportunity to look at more than just a picture of Rich. There just seems like there is no closure. I wonder what his last thoughts were or if he even had the chance to realize this was the end.
This funeral brought back SO much pain. I am exhausted from it all. I just want it to all go away and for my life to begin again. There are days that things are going so well and I can focus on my purpose here on earth and trust God completely with my life and heart. And then, there are days like this. Will it ever go away? Am I going to live fifty more years with this knot in my stomach that continues to resurface whenever a memory is triggered? Most days I feel like I am moving forward and doing well with it all. But then there is another "first", and I start all over again.
I will choose, yet again, to trust Him with my life and my future. Even though, on a day like this, it looks quite dismal, I know there is hope in Him! One of my Grandma's favorite passage in her last days was Psalm 91. It is one that I have marked in my book of paraphrased Psalms. It says...
That one whose faith is focuse on God,
Who finds security in Him,
Does not have to live in fear.
He is not left untouched by the tempests of this life,
And he may be wounded by the onslaughts of evil,
But his great God does not leave him to suffer these things alone.
The Lord cares for His own and delivers him even in the midst of the conflicts that plague him
If God is truly your God,
You do not have to be afraid of the enemy that threatens or the affliction that lays you low.
Men all about you may fall, never to rise again,
But the Lord is by your side to raise you to your feet and to lead you to ultimate victory.
Even in the ministering spirits of His invisible world are watching over you.
They will not allow anything to hurt you except by God's loving permission and through His eternal concern.
Our loving God has promised it:
"Because My child loves Me, I will never let him go.
I shall feel the pain of his wounds and bear his hurt and shall transform that which is ugly into that which enriches and blesses.
And when he cries out in agony, I shall hear and answer him.
I will be close to him and will deliver him,
and I will grant him eternal life."
I need to use truth in my life daily to fight the lies that creep into my head. This morning as I was out running, I almost had a panic attack as my mind wondered into the "what ifs" of my future. I started questioning whether I had enough love for God to handle it if I were to lose even more precious people in my life. For a brief moment, I thought about losing Ethan. Would I trust God enough with that as well? I remember Rich and I discussing the possibility and how we had to hold him at arm's length remembering that he was not really ours, but that he belonged to God. We loved him with all of our hearts, but also looked at him as a gift on loan to us. I thought it would break my heart, but with God's strength I could handle losing him if that was His will. When Rich died, I remember thinking, I don't think I ever thought about Rich being on loan to me the way I did Ethan. Why didn't I pray that over him as well? I was NOT big enough to handle losing him, but God WAS! As I stopped to pray, I realized that as much as I tried to control my life, I was in much better hands allowing God to take charge. So, even though I don't know how I could ever face another sudden loss in my life, I am taking it one day at a time. I choose NOT to live my life in fear of the "what ifs". I pray that I would embrace the truths of Psalm 91 in my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
