Today at MOPS our speaker, Melody Congdon (our pastor's wife) shared about friendships for ourselves and for our children. It really made me think a lot about how my friendships have changed over the past couple of years. We did a very familiar activity that maybe you have done before where you draw three circles- One large one, one medium sized inside the large one, and then a small one like a bulls-eye. On the outer circle she challenged us to list 12 friends we may have. These can be friends from all different parts of our life. Her examples were her "project friends", her "adventure friends", her "accountability friends", etc. The next circle was to list 3 friends that know us more intimately and whom we feel we can call on and really share our hearts. The last circle is for your very best friend...the person who knows you and loves you for the good and bad!
I had done this activity a couple of years ago and my circles looked very different then. I have always been one to have lots of friends. I LOVE people and often surround myself with people. But, the depth of these friendships was not always that deep. I really struggled when we were told we could NOT put our husband in the inner circle (even though he may be our best friend). We were challenged to think of a girlfriend that we could also call our "best friend". Even though I had lots of friends I felt like I would do anything for, I wasn't sure it was the same on their end. I think I was afraid to really explore the depth of my friendships afraid that I would be disappointed. Rich was my best friend and I was okay with that being enough. Yet, I think he desired for me to reach out more too, knowing he could not meet all of my needs OR take in all of my words! :-) He had some really great intimate friends that were good at challenging him and I envied that. I wanted to be "challenged". He was SO good at that, but as a woman, we need other women and as a man, he needed other men.
Since the accident, I have been blown away by the way my friends have shown me the true depth of their friendships! Going through something this tragic can often change friendships in a negative way. Many people don't know what to say or how to respond, and so they just avoid the person experiencing grief. I read about this a lot and was ready for this to be true in my life. Yet, I never experienced that! My friends came to my need and beyond. They came to sit with me, cry with me, the called me, wrote me letters, talked with me, encouraged me, and even pushed me when I needed it! I have made NEW friends in this process as well! I have been surprised at the depth of care and concern from some people I barely even knew before the accident. I have seen incredible empathy as others have told me they can't even imagine what I am dealing with, but will cry with me because they feel pain just thinking about it. The thing that has also been so dear to me is the friends that I thought I was closest to, are STILL there for me and are continuing to encourage me and pray for me and love me. The level of intimacy in my friendships has really deepened. I feel like I have had to be more vulnerable than ever and have let people in to see parts of me that even I did not know existed. I have let people serve me which has been incredibly humbling and hard for me at times, and yet God has used that to bless me and even those serving as well! I have seen incredible character in the men that were in Rich's life. I am in awe of the way so many have stepped up to the plate and consider it their responsibility to make sure Ethan experiences some "manly time" here and there. :-) As he grows older, I know this will be even more important and it is such a blessing to see God fill that void in his life.
As I made my new circles today, I was amazed that God has really done great things with my friendships through this process of grief. What a gift that is! In all my reading about grief, I know that this is not usually the norm. Often, the person grieving pulls so far away that they lose their friends in the process. My friends just didn't even allow me to do that! God really protected and even strengthened what I already had.
"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up." ~Ecl. 4:9-10
I used to often view this verse as a "marriage" verse, but in reality it is referring to a loving relationship. Yes, there is (or should be) true friendship in a marriage, but a true friend is also effective. Christ was never married and yet he had some very close friends that he encouraged and just lived life with on a daily basis. He was the perfect friend...and still is today! Though he is not here in human form, he is (or should be) our BEST friend. I am SO very thankful that I do have a friendship/relationship with Him because He has been able to be by my side every step of the way. When it was 2:30 in the morning and I didn't feel I should wake someone with my tears for my loss, He was there! When I have had my greatest joy moments and just want to celebrate with someone, He has been there. But, I also think that Christ desires for us to have earthly friends that can give us those hugs we need or cry with or pray with or laugh with or giggle until it hurts. I think HE rejoices in watching us in our friendships...how we encourage and spur one another on. He must take delight in watching what HE created laugh together and smile at the things He has done in our lives!
Overall, I can look at my friendships and just say, "Thank you, Lord!" Yet, I do still have many moments of missing my earthly best friend! The thing I think I miss most (oh, who am I kidding?). I guess I can't really narrow it down to ONE thing. Rich was a natural encourager. If you knew him, I am sure you at one time or another were encouraged by him. I really miss his encouragement!!
As I have been starting to look into Bible memory ideas for toddlers, I was convicted to work on my own Bible memory as well. It was SO easy to memorize as child and so I want to get Ethan started right away. When I think of memorizing scripture, I often think of the book of James. In college, I was really committed to reviewing my verses and always working on learning new ones. At one point, I decided I was going to memorize the book of James because I really love that book. I was dating Rich at the time and he did something for me that really sealed the deal for me. He made me what he called the "Walk and Study Bible Buddy". It was a small flip book of the book of James laminated and put together with a ring. Since I often walked to the campus from my house and walked all over campus, there was a lot of time that I could use this to work on memorizing it. When he gave that to me, I remember thinking, "Wow! I could really marry this guy!" He was always doing things like that to encourage me in my walk with Christ and would also challenge and encourage me in other areas of my life as well. I miss that!
He also so often encouraged me as a mother. Something Melody talked about today was the importance of cultivating our friendships and how we must take the initiative to get out there and do things with other women. Rich was always trying to get me to get out and be with other women. I don't think a day went by without him telling me what a good mom I was or how lucky Ethan was to have me for his mommy. Isn't that amazing?! He was always praising my ideas or "strategies" and even listened to all of my "how-to" reading advice. :-) He encouraged me in whatever it was I was doing from my stamping business (I can't believe how many times I asked him if he liked such and such project- like he cared!) to my cooking to my teaching to our home. Now he wasn't perfect, and we DID have our disagreements, but a natural encourager was a gift he had that I will always treasure! I long to be that kind of encourager to MY friends and my family. I want to be an encouraging mother that builds confidence in my son as he learns where his hope and identity come from.
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching." ~Heb. 10:23-25
"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."
~I Thes. 5:11
Now, my circles are filled with lots of names at each level! I actually have several "best friends" whom I feel like I can share my true heart with and even call in the middle of the night without them hanging up on me! :-) They know me for who I truly am and don't care if I have it all together (Which I never seem to anymore these days!) They like me when my house is clean and when it is dirty. They listen to my "verbal throw-up" (taken from Shannon- thanks!) and rejoice with me as well! They like me when I just want to hang out and still love me when I have a need. Now I just need to work on making sure they realize that I feel the same way and am there for them as well!!
Thank you, Lord, for the gift of friendship. I pray that you will use the friends in my life to spur me on toward knowing you better and that I will be the kind of friend that you have designed me to be.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Contentment
Today was a really good day. I just love the rainy weather and the cool air of fall coming our way. I had fun on a playdate with Ethan in the rain at the park. Then we went to the library (even though we were a bit wet and dirty) and enjoyed some time checking out the fish, playing with Legos, looking for new books, and of course checking out a new "Veggie" video and "Toot Toot" video (also known as the Wiggles and the Big Red Car). After our adventures at the library, we headed home for a quick lunch and then I put Ethan down for a nap. As he slept, I began frantically searching for a tux for him for THIS weekend. Long story, but the bride of the wedding he is in had some trouble with the site she was ordering his outfit from and they failed to deliver. Thankfully, God provided within hours! Amazing!! (And it ended up being FREE since we are borrowing it which made it even more of a blessing!) This evening, we had a bit more time to play in the rain after dinner and then took a quick run to Amoco for a hot drink. I came home and fixed Ethan some semi-hot chocolate and we sipped our drinks together as we read his new books from the library. After Ethan's bath (always a highlight at our house), I was happy that he settled down for bed without any fuss. We have both been pushing his bedtime back a bit further each night, and therefore waking up later in the morning. This is going to cause problems with MOPS and Bible study starting up, and so I am working on getting him back to bed closer to 7:30. I know that sounds early, but he is an excellent sleeper (Thank you, Lord!) and so sleeps a solid 12 hours a night! As I settled down for the evening with the rest of my drink and some quiet time with my Lord, I started contemplating what made today so good when just days ago I was all over the place with my emotions. I decided to do a bit of study on contentment and focus on trying to be more content at all times.
When I think about contentment, one of the first Biblical people that comes to mind is Paul. He talks about this a lot even in the midst of his suffering. (and he did endure a LOT of suffering!) "I have learned how to get along happily whether I have much or little. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little." ~Phil. 4:11-12
We are SO surrounded in our society with wants and "needs". Everyone thinks they will finally be content when they just get _____ or have more _____. It seems like contentment is just around the corner. It is engrained in our way of life. I so often hear, "I'll be happy as a mom when my kid will just learn to listen, or learn to obey, or learn to walk, talk, etc. etc." "I will be happy in my marriage if I could just get my husband to pay more attention to my needs, or I can get some time to myself." "I will love my house when I can just get that one room painted or finish decorating such and such room." "I will be happy when we have a bigger house or more money or are debt-free (which IS a good place to be, but again, does NOT make you happy!)." I have found myself saying some of these things as well or others such as, "If only I had Rich back, I would never complain again about anything and I would only encourage and build him up." I strived to do that before, but I was NOT perfect. And, sad to say, even if I were given a second chance, I would probably fail again.
Contentment is not something that comes naturally. It is something we must strive for daily! Even Paul said that he had "learned" to be content. He didn't do this just through the power of positive thinking. He had to endure some REAL hardships. He was mistreated, unfed, imprisoned, beaten, and treated very unfairly. Where did his contentment come from? It came from God. I just read this recently and loved the way it was phrased... "To be content doesn't mean that you don't care what happens, that you are indifferent to your surroundings or your sufferings. To be content means that you are at peace in the sufficiency of Christ, regardless. We think we will be content when we finally get what we want, but real contentment is when we accept less than or something other than what we want. Jesus is our source for the spiritual strength we need to live with what we didn't ask for and less than we want, to be satisfied even when our stomachs or our hearts are empty."
It makes me think about the song, "It is Well With My Soul". This was a favorite hymn of Rich's. We had actually both said at one time that it was a must play at our own funerals some day. Of course, I was expecting that to come much further down the road, but even still, it had a lot of memories behind it. Even though I had grown up hearing that song so many times and even at many other funerals, it was Rich that first explained the story behind it to me. (He was full of information!) He explained that Spafford had written those words as he traveled by ship to join his grief-stricken wife in England, who herself had just barely survived as she watched her four daughters drown in a storm and their ship sank. "Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, it is well, it is well, with my soul." So many others before me have also been struck with unfortunate loss. I have even had people email or post notes on this blog telling me about such losses. It is encouraging, NOT that others have had to go through similar pain, but that there IS hope and contentment in one source that never changes. Though our circumstances around us are always changing, and not always to our liking, my God never changes. "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." (Hebrews 13: 5b)
So as I look back over my day, I can tell you that there was nothing monumental about my day that made it so much better. I just think I am going through a process that is teaching me to be content. There are some days where I am probably going to be more content than others. As I walk into MOPS tomorrow morning, I will have to force my mind to "not go there" when it comes to jealousy about what others may have that I do not. There may be lots of pregnant bellies walking around or lots of wedding rings flashing at me reminding me that they "belong" to someone. But, ultimately, I can be content in what I DO have. I have a God that has never left my side through my suffering. I have a God who has great plans for my life and a future in heaven with Him. I also have amazing friends in that group of women who have encouraged me endlessly and have never once made me feel like an outsider. I have been blessed with one adorable bundle of joy named Ethan and I will treasure each day I have with him. I have a supportive and loving family. I have a home of my own and the blessing of being in it daily as I invest in the life of my child and get to spend my day playing in the rain and looking for "tiny frogs" and "fuzzy worms". And most importantly, I have a future that is in God's hands and He desires the best for my life! How can one not be content knowing that? All of the "things" and desires of this world quickly fade away when I look for my contentment in Him!
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever!" ~Hebrews 13:8
When I think about contentment, one of the first Biblical people that comes to mind is Paul. He talks about this a lot even in the midst of his suffering. (and he did endure a LOT of suffering!) "I have learned how to get along happily whether I have much or little. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little." ~Phil. 4:11-12
We are SO surrounded in our society with wants and "needs". Everyone thinks they will finally be content when they just get _____ or have more _____. It seems like contentment is just around the corner. It is engrained in our way of life. I so often hear, "I'll be happy as a mom when my kid will just learn to listen, or learn to obey, or learn to walk, talk, etc. etc." "I will be happy in my marriage if I could just get my husband to pay more attention to my needs, or I can get some time to myself." "I will love my house when I can just get that one room painted or finish decorating such and such room." "I will be happy when we have a bigger house or more money or are debt-free (which IS a good place to be, but again, does NOT make you happy!)." I have found myself saying some of these things as well or others such as, "If only I had Rich back, I would never complain again about anything and I would only encourage and build him up." I strived to do that before, but I was NOT perfect. And, sad to say, even if I were given a second chance, I would probably fail again.
Contentment is not something that comes naturally. It is something we must strive for daily! Even Paul said that he had "learned" to be content. He didn't do this just through the power of positive thinking. He had to endure some REAL hardships. He was mistreated, unfed, imprisoned, beaten, and treated very unfairly. Where did his contentment come from? It came from God. I just read this recently and loved the way it was phrased... "To be content doesn't mean that you don't care what happens, that you are indifferent to your surroundings or your sufferings. To be content means that you are at peace in the sufficiency of Christ, regardless. We think we will be content when we finally get what we want, but real contentment is when we accept less than or something other than what we want. Jesus is our source for the spiritual strength we need to live with what we didn't ask for and less than we want, to be satisfied even when our stomachs or our hearts are empty."
It makes me think about the song, "It is Well With My Soul". This was a favorite hymn of Rich's. We had actually both said at one time that it was a must play at our own funerals some day. Of course, I was expecting that to come much further down the road, but even still, it had a lot of memories behind it. Even though I had grown up hearing that song so many times and even at many other funerals, it was Rich that first explained the story behind it to me. (He was full of information!) He explained that Spafford had written those words as he traveled by ship to join his grief-stricken wife in England, who herself had just barely survived as she watched her four daughters drown in a storm and their ship sank. "Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, it is well, it is well, with my soul." So many others before me have also been struck with unfortunate loss. I have even had people email or post notes on this blog telling me about such losses. It is encouraging, NOT that others have had to go through similar pain, but that there IS hope and contentment in one source that never changes. Though our circumstances around us are always changing, and not always to our liking, my God never changes. "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." (Hebrews 13: 5b)
So as I look back over my day, I can tell you that there was nothing monumental about my day that made it so much better. I just think I am going through a process that is teaching me to be content. There are some days where I am probably going to be more content than others. As I walk into MOPS tomorrow morning, I will have to force my mind to "not go there" when it comes to jealousy about what others may have that I do not. There may be lots of pregnant bellies walking around or lots of wedding rings flashing at me reminding me that they "belong" to someone. But, ultimately, I can be content in what I DO have. I have a God that has never left my side through my suffering. I have a God who has great plans for my life and a future in heaven with Him. I also have amazing friends in that group of women who have encouraged me endlessly and have never once made me feel like an outsider. I have been blessed with one adorable bundle of joy named Ethan and I will treasure each day I have with him. I have a supportive and loving family. I have a home of my own and the blessing of being in it daily as I invest in the life of my child and get to spend my day playing in the rain and looking for "tiny frogs" and "fuzzy worms". And most importantly, I have a future that is in God's hands and He desires the best for my life! How can one not be content knowing that? All of the "things" and desires of this world quickly fade away when I look for my contentment in Him!
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever!" ~Hebrews 13:8
Monday, September 1, 2008
Surreal....
Surreal: According to Wikipedia means "bizarre or dreamlike"
I don't feel like I should still be in this state of mind, but I so often find myself feeling this way. So many things have happened in the past week that just bring me back to thinking, "Is this really REAL?" I found myself going through a bit of what I call my "bi-polar" moments over the weekend. I feel really happy and excited one moment and then find myself with eyes full of tears and so sad the next. Yet, somehow, even with the ups and downs, it was a good weekend, overall.
As I flipped the calendar today and looked over my month of events filling the calendar, my heart just dropped. Here I am entering another season, a new fall, without my love by my side. They say the first year is the hardest. I can see how that is true in some ways. I think the "firsts" are rather heart wrenching and even devastating at moments. Yet, now that I have gotten through my "firsts", I feel like the second year is almost harder. The emotions are not as intense (which is a relief), but there is this DEEP onset of lonliness setting in and as I hit each of those "special" days once again, it just is almost unbearable. I think it is because I am thinking, "Do I REALLY have to go through this again? I made it through the first year and now I just want it to all go away." After I flipped the calendar over, I sat down with Ethan to eat our breakfast together and my eyes just filled with tears. I had our morning music playing and he was just singing along (usually a phrase behind). I tried so hard to be happy, but as I looked at him I just started crying even harder. All I could think about was the fact that THIS month marked the month that Ethan was officially twice as old as when he was when Rich died. He was 14 months old then and was going to be 28 months. That means that Rich had missed out on HALF of his life and that Ethan had missed out on having his daddy be a part of those months and SO many more to come. As I watched him sing, he was trying to make me smile. He started making goofy faces and giggling and all I could do was smile. He is so much like his daddy. He stopped for a moment and said, "Mommy cry?" I immediately wiped away the tears and tried to look happy. I WAS happy that he was in my life, but the thoughts that filled my head were making me so unhappy. I quickly went to cut up some more banana so I could hide my tears and the sobbing that threatened to break out at any moment. I went back to the calendar and looked over the month again trying to be more positive this time...
Sept- 3 (Rich's dad's birthday) - Sigh
Sept- 4 (1st MOPS mtg)- That will be fun
Sept 5- Wedding rehearsal (Ethan will be a ring bearer for the 1st time)- mixed emotions
Sept 6- Wedding mtg w/ couple, set up for reception, wedding that evening - The last couple of weddings were SO hard...I hope Ethan being a ring bearer will be a good distraction!
Sept 7- Ethan graduates out of nursery to 2 yr. old S.S. class! Evening- Work
The rest of the month goes on very similar to the above except that there are 3 more Heyroth birthdays! September has always been a busy month with the start of football season, school really getting into full swing, birthdays, etc. I am thankful that I won't be having much time to sit around and feel sorry for myself! :-)
"FAITH enables us to withstand what we can't understand" Another of my many quotes and verses collecting on my bathroom mirror. This is SO true. I have to be careful to not let my feelings overtake my head. It is a struggle sometimes for my head knowledge and my heart knowledge to connect in a healthy way. If I try too hard to just concentrate on facts, I find myself stuffing away all of the feelings. Yet, when I start talking about how I really feel, it is hard to not let my emotions get the best of me. I feel like others are probably SO ready for me to just get over it. In fact, I had someone at church ask me how I was doing and when I started to be honest about my feelings, they cut me off and said, "Oh, just don't think about it." It is so hard to know HOW to respond to others when they ask how I am doing. I know some people really care and want me to share my heart. Yet, others are just asking because they don't really know what else to say or are just making conversation. It kind of goes along with the whole stage of life after you first get married and everyone asks you, "How's married life?" Most people don't really expect much of a reply and they especially don't want to know if you are really struggling. It has been a good reminder to me that I need to be sure to be ready to listen for a reply if I ask how someone is doing. It IS so easy to pass someone quickly and say, "How are you doing?" as really more of a greeting than an actual question. Am I really ready to hear it if they are NOT doing so well? Overall, I have had the most positive encounters with others and have been overwhelmed by the caring attitudes of those around me. I have even had people tell me that they are praying for me whenever they cross the bridge over the Kansas River as a reminder. I think God is using this loss in my life to bring so many others closer to Him. It encourages me to think that not only are others praying for Ethan and me, but that others are growing in their relationship with God as well through their prayer lives.
As I return to the idea of things being surreal, I am faced with the difficulty of pictures. I LOVE pictures. I love to look at them. I love to frame them. I enjoy scrapbooking them. I just love capturing "moments". Yet, since the loss of Rich, I have had a hard time enjoying pictures with him in them. They seem so surreal. Every time I look at them, I think that he must still be here. Yet, as time passes and there are NO more pictures of Rich with Ethan or me, I realize that our lives are moving on and he is not included in these changes. Before, pictures used to bring me comfort and I surrounded myself with them, esp. hanging in our bedroom. Now, I feel as if I am starting to feel like I know this person less and less and that he isn't here to understand me either. Yet, I also cling to every picture I can find almost as if I can hold on to one more piece of him. Every time someone sends me a new picture that they may have tucked away, it just makes me smile. One of these days, I hope to have the energy and the heart to scrapbook these pictures before my memories fade. I found myself almost getting mad at Ethan tonight as he broke a frame with a picture inside from our honeymoon. He was just being his curious self, and I was quick to remind myself that it is JUST a thing. Yet, as I looked at the picture, there behind it was a note from Rich he had written on our honeymoon. In it he mentioned (as I am beginning to see he often did) growing old together and how he was looking forward to "celebrating every day together and encouraging each other to grow closer to our Lord". Once again I thought, "How do I go on in life without this amazing man by my side?" I think about how I so much want to please my Lord and that as my heart is filled with longing for companionship. He will fill me with all I need.
I was just talking last night to a very dear life-long friend from college about my fears for my future. One fear I have to give up to God a lot is my sweet son, Ethan. I was telling her how I worry about him not having a healthy husband/wife relationship modeled for him. I was wondering how he was going to grow up understanding how to have this and what it means to truly love and respect a woman, without his daddy here to teach him. I think tonight, I was brought a little peace in knowing that at least I have some precious letters I can save for him to read some day. I know it is not the same, but you can see a lot of character in a person through their words. And then there is the lingering question of will I ever remarry? Oh, I hate to even put it in writing, but the thoughts are there. I know some think it is too soon to even be thinking about such things. Others have already tried to set me up on dates- Whoa! Not quite ready for that!! I think I would probably throw-up if I attempted that. :-) I so want to be filling my thoughts with the right things and not be too consumed with any one thought. It overwhelms me to even think how it can all work. The dating (don't want to do that again), having a child involved in the mix, the question of how do you even know when you are ready, and is there really someone out there that would be willing to take on me, my son, and the memory of my husband. It is not like I divorced the guy and don't want anything to do with him. I want my son to grow up with a knowledge of who is dad was and to know his family as well. Oh, the joys and misery of thinking too much! This is all wrapped up in the future worries that I have to once again lay at the feet of Jesus. For the most part, I am content in being single, and since I am still struggling with the idea of this being a bit surreal, I think this is probably the best place for me to be!
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:6-7)
There is probably a reason why these verses have been engraved in my memory for such a long time. I've always been a bit of a worrier. God often brings these verses to mind as I spend too much time reflecting on the past of contemplating the future. The past is done (can't be changed) and the future is in God's hands and, as I have learned, cannot often be controlled no matter how much we may try.
Dear Lord,
Once again, I am reminded of all that you have done for me in the past and how you have worked out the most impossible situations for good. I do not always understand how You work or why You allow things to happen. There are some days that I think it would have been much easier if I had just never met Rich. Yet, as I look back at the good and the bad, I can see how You have made me into the person I am today partly through my relationship with him. It was through our time together that I was refined. Marriage can bring out the good and the bad in a person. I also was able to see SO much of who you are and how YOU love me through the way that Rich loved me. His love was not perfect, but it was so good. Your love IS perfect and it is amazing. I still cannot even comprehend what your love looks like completely. I feel like I experienced even a bit more of what perfect love looks like when you blessed us with our son, Ethan. Thank you for the gift of his life. I pray that I can be an example to him of who you are and that he will grow up knowing what perfect love is through learning about you. Thank you for your Word that teaches me daily and always seems to be full of new lessons to learn. I cast all of my fears and anxieties to you. Thank you for giving me all I need when I need it and for teaching me that I am never without, when I have YOU!
I don't feel like I should still be in this state of mind, but I so often find myself feeling this way. So many things have happened in the past week that just bring me back to thinking, "Is this really REAL?" I found myself going through a bit of what I call my "bi-polar" moments over the weekend. I feel really happy and excited one moment and then find myself with eyes full of tears and so sad the next. Yet, somehow, even with the ups and downs, it was a good weekend, overall.
As I flipped the calendar today and looked over my month of events filling the calendar, my heart just dropped. Here I am entering another season, a new fall, without my love by my side. They say the first year is the hardest. I can see how that is true in some ways. I think the "firsts" are rather heart wrenching and even devastating at moments. Yet, now that I have gotten through my "firsts", I feel like the second year is almost harder. The emotions are not as intense (which is a relief), but there is this DEEP onset of lonliness setting in and as I hit each of those "special" days once again, it just is almost unbearable. I think it is because I am thinking, "Do I REALLY have to go through this again? I made it through the first year and now I just want it to all go away." After I flipped the calendar over, I sat down with Ethan to eat our breakfast together and my eyes just filled with tears. I had our morning music playing and he was just singing along (usually a phrase behind). I tried so hard to be happy, but as I looked at him I just started crying even harder. All I could think about was the fact that THIS month marked the month that Ethan was officially twice as old as when he was when Rich died. He was 14 months old then and was going to be 28 months. That means that Rich had missed out on HALF of his life and that Ethan had missed out on having his daddy be a part of those months and SO many more to come. As I watched him sing, he was trying to make me smile. He started making goofy faces and giggling and all I could do was smile. He is so much like his daddy. He stopped for a moment and said, "Mommy cry?" I immediately wiped away the tears and tried to look happy. I WAS happy that he was in my life, but the thoughts that filled my head were making me so unhappy. I quickly went to cut up some more banana so I could hide my tears and the sobbing that threatened to break out at any moment. I went back to the calendar and looked over the month again trying to be more positive this time...
Sept- 3 (Rich's dad's birthday) - Sigh
Sept- 4 (1st MOPS mtg)- That will be fun
Sept 5- Wedding rehearsal (Ethan will be a ring bearer for the 1st time)- mixed emotions
Sept 6- Wedding mtg w/ couple, set up for reception, wedding that evening - The last couple of weddings were SO hard...I hope Ethan being a ring bearer will be a good distraction!
Sept 7- Ethan graduates out of nursery to 2 yr. old S.S. class! Evening- Work
The rest of the month goes on very similar to the above except that there are 3 more Heyroth birthdays! September has always been a busy month with the start of football season, school really getting into full swing, birthdays, etc. I am thankful that I won't be having much time to sit around and feel sorry for myself! :-)
"FAITH enables us to withstand what we can't understand" Another of my many quotes and verses collecting on my bathroom mirror. This is SO true. I have to be careful to not let my feelings overtake my head. It is a struggle sometimes for my head knowledge and my heart knowledge to connect in a healthy way. If I try too hard to just concentrate on facts, I find myself stuffing away all of the feelings. Yet, when I start talking about how I really feel, it is hard to not let my emotions get the best of me. I feel like others are probably SO ready for me to just get over it. In fact, I had someone at church ask me how I was doing and when I started to be honest about my feelings, they cut me off and said, "Oh, just don't think about it." It is so hard to know HOW to respond to others when they ask how I am doing. I know some people really care and want me to share my heart. Yet, others are just asking because they don't really know what else to say or are just making conversation. It kind of goes along with the whole stage of life after you first get married and everyone asks you, "How's married life?" Most people don't really expect much of a reply and they especially don't want to know if you are really struggling. It has been a good reminder to me that I need to be sure to be ready to listen for a reply if I ask how someone is doing. It IS so easy to pass someone quickly and say, "How are you doing?" as really more of a greeting than an actual question. Am I really ready to hear it if they are NOT doing so well? Overall, I have had the most positive encounters with others and have been overwhelmed by the caring attitudes of those around me. I have even had people tell me that they are praying for me whenever they cross the bridge over the Kansas River as a reminder. I think God is using this loss in my life to bring so many others closer to Him. It encourages me to think that not only are others praying for Ethan and me, but that others are growing in their relationship with God as well through their prayer lives.
As I return to the idea of things being surreal, I am faced with the difficulty of pictures. I LOVE pictures. I love to look at them. I love to frame them. I enjoy scrapbooking them. I just love capturing "moments". Yet, since the loss of Rich, I have had a hard time enjoying pictures with him in them. They seem so surreal. Every time I look at them, I think that he must still be here. Yet, as time passes and there are NO more pictures of Rich with Ethan or me, I realize that our lives are moving on and he is not included in these changes. Before, pictures used to bring me comfort and I surrounded myself with them, esp. hanging in our bedroom. Now, I feel as if I am starting to feel like I know this person less and less and that he isn't here to understand me either. Yet, I also cling to every picture I can find almost as if I can hold on to one more piece of him. Every time someone sends me a new picture that they may have tucked away, it just makes me smile. One of these days, I hope to have the energy and the heart to scrapbook these pictures before my memories fade. I found myself almost getting mad at Ethan tonight as he broke a frame with a picture inside from our honeymoon. He was just being his curious self, and I was quick to remind myself that it is JUST a thing. Yet, as I looked at the picture, there behind it was a note from Rich he had written on our honeymoon. In it he mentioned (as I am beginning to see he often did) growing old together and how he was looking forward to "celebrating every day together and encouraging each other to grow closer to our Lord". Once again I thought, "How do I go on in life without this amazing man by my side?" I think about how I so much want to please my Lord and that as my heart is filled with longing for companionship. He will fill me with all I need.
I was just talking last night to a very dear life-long friend from college about my fears for my future. One fear I have to give up to God a lot is my sweet son, Ethan. I was telling her how I worry about him not having a healthy husband/wife relationship modeled for him. I was wondering how he was going to grow up understanding how to have this and what it means to truly love and respect a woman, without his daddy here to teach him. I think tonight, I was brought a little peace in knowing that at least I have some precious letters I can save for him to read some day. I know it is not the same, but you can see a lot of character in a person through their words. And then there is the lingering question of will I ever remarry? Oh, I hate to even put it in writing, but the thoughts are there. I know some think it is too soon to even be thinking about such things. Others have already tried to set me up on dates- Whoa! Not quite ready for that!! I think I would probably throw-up if I attempted that. :-) I so want to be filling my thoughts with the right things and not be too consumed with any one thought. It overwhelms me to even think how it can all work. The dating (don't want to do that again), having a child involved in the mix, the question of how do you even know when you are ready, and is there really someone out there that would be willing to take on me, my son, and the memory of my husband. It is not like I divorced the guy and don't want anything to do with him. I want my son to grow up with a knowledge of who is dad was and to know his family as well. Oh, the joys and misery of thinking too much! This is all wrapped up in the future worries that I have to once again lay at the feet of Jesus. For the most part, I am content in being single, and since I am still struggling with the idea of this being a bit surreal, I think this is probably the best place for me to be!
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:6-7)
There is probably a reason why these verses have been engraved in my memory for such a long time. I've always been a bit of a worrier. God often brings these verses to mind as I spend too much time reflecting on the past of contemplating the future. The past is done (can't be changed) and the future is in God's hands and, as I have learned, cannot often be controlled no matter how much we may try.
Dear Lord,
Once again, I am reminded of all that you have done for me in the past and how you have worked out the most impossible situations for good. I do not always understand how You work or why You allow things to happen. There are some days that I think it would have been much easier if I had just never met Rich. Yet, as I look back at the good and the bad, I can see how You have made me into the person I am today partly through my relationship with him. It was through our time together that I was refined. Marriage can bring out the good and the bad in a person. I also was able to see SO much of who you are and how YOU love me through the way that Rich loved me. His love was not perfect, but it was so good. Your love IS perfect and it is amazing. I still cannot even comprehend what your love looks like completely. I feel like I experienced even a bit more of what perfect love looks like when you blessed us with our son, Ethan. Thank you for the gift of his life. I pray that I can be an example to him of who you are and that he will grow up knowing what perfect love is through learning about you. Thank you for your Word that teaches me daily and always seems to be full of new lessons to learn. I cast all of my fears and anxieties to you. Thank you for giving me all I need when I need it and for teaching me that I am never without, when I have YOU!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
I'm too blessed to be stressed!
In the grand scheme of things, what are a few piles or unfinished tasks? I have a real life example of that in my life. My dear husband left many unfinished tasks, and yes, quite a few piles and other things left undone. But, honestly, did they hurt anyone or keep him from entering into the gates of heaven? No!! Yes, I had a lot of "tasks" to take care of and even some business that may have been nice to not have had to deal with, but overall, it was not something that ruined my life and actually, I even learned quite a bit in the process. The hardest part about it all was missing Rich in the process and wishing he were here by my side as I was constantly reminded of him. But honestly, he knew how to live each day to the fullest and did not worry about the little things. The important tasks, those that involved being a part of the lives of those around him, were taken care of to the best of his ability. He was SO busy working so many hours (3 jobs- teaching, coaching, and supervising at Timberline). Yet, even in the midst of his busyness, he was investing his life in those he was around. It was so important to him that I was able to stay home and invest in the life of our child, our home, and him. He didn't mind the sacrifice of the long hours. Even though there were so many times he would fall into bed around 1:30 am or even later just to awake at 6:00 the next morning, he would do this over and over again because he loved us and wanted to provide the best for our family.
So, now that I am feeling better (thanks to the meds!), I am thinking a bit more clearly about my perspective on life. Who cares if I have a few unfinished tasks? I am realizing that it is even okay if I grab clothes from the laundry basket and they never make it into the drawers. These little things don't need to rob me of my joy and especially don't need to take away from my time working on completing the important tasks at hand...my son, my family, my friends, my neighbors, my Lord!! The other things are all going to turn into dust, but the souls of these people and the relationship that I have with my Lord are going to last forever!!
As I think more and more about my schedule, I am going to work really hard on being organized to schedule my life in a way that allows balance. Today as I was talking to my sister on the phone, she was helping me realize that it is important to even put things like my trips to the grocery store, library, etc. on the calendar. Then, I am able to look at my schedule and know when to say no so that I don't end up with a week with not even a minute to take an extra trip to the bathroom! :-) This also allows me to schedule times where I am just AT HOME and investing in my son's life and implementing all of the creative fun activities I have planned for him. After all, I am SO blessed to be home with him, so I need to take the opportunity to be home.
I still am not sure what I believe about heaven and our loved ones that are there. So many people say that Rich is looking down on us and smiling. A part of me so much wants to believe that he is not missing out on Ethan's life and watching him grow. Yet, a part of me also thinks, surely there is too much going on in heaven for them to even think about what is going on here on earth. Plus, if there is no sorrow or tears, how could they really see what is going on here without experiencing those feelings unless they can also see how the end result is good and God's glory in it all. It's just too much for me to wrap my little mind around at times. I DO know that God's word says that the angels and the saints rejoice when someone comes to know Christ. So, I am thinking they probably somehow are aware of these happenings. My biggest prayer is that Rich will be able to rejoice with Jesus when Ethan accepts Him into his life!
The past few nights, my heart has been so touched by Ethan's sweet heart. He has such a love for music! It is so much fun to watch him play the piano, strum the guitar while I play chords, and sing and dance to CDs or the radio. His latest love has been to sing along (always a phrase behind!) It is so adorable...a constant echo as he tries to keep up with the lyrics. The last two nights he has sung himself to sleep. We always pray together before bed and I often sing a song or two as he quietly listens. Well, lately, he has been joining in and then continuing after I leave. Last night it was, "I lub you Lod" (I love you Lord) over and over again. Tonight he was singing "This light of mine...SHINE!" I peeked in and he was waving his little pointer finger around. Now honestly, how can one be stressed out when one is SO blessed?!! There is nothing that keeps you more grounded than having a child. Their perspective is so right on at times. I completely can understand why Jesus said we need to have faith like a child. They believe and trust so easily and the other things just don't seem so important! So, maybe I need to change my focus from "perfect trust" to "child-like trust".
Another thing I wanted to remember and to blog for Ethan's future reference is the blessing of God's provision!! I want him to see that God HAS provided for us in every way possible! Many many people ask me, "When are you going back to work?" I know they are just curious how we are getting by with me staying home with Ethan. It is through MANY resources that this has been possible. I HAVE had to work, but not a typical full-time job that requires me to leave Ethan during his best hours and be home only in time to feed and put him to bed. I am SO very thankful for this AMAZING blessing!! God has provided me with jobs that, for the most part, allow me to take Ethan with me. I am able to clean houses (once a week & I take Ethan with me), work as a Stampin' Up! consultant (mostly from home), work as a wedding liaison for TBC (mostly from home with just a few weekends here and there away), and a nursery coordinator for the fellowship groups at Good News (where I can take Ethan with me!). Also, I receive a S.S. payment each month thanks to Rich's hard work still paying off! And the BIGGEST blessing of all has been the amazing support of mostly anonymous givers through church and friends. I have been blown away by the way others have stepped up to take care of our needs. Our utilities are STILL being paid, I still receive anonymous financial gifts in the Heyroth fund, I received a HUGE gift from my college friends, and the list goes on. (In fact, one small group at church [not even my own] gave me enough money to cover a huge portion of the funeral costs! My hope is that I will be able to stay home with Ethan until he goes to school. At that point, I am hoping to enter a nursing program to become an RN. I really think this is going to be possible just because God continues to provide through others around me and through great job opportunities.
Things could have been so different. Though, I know God would have given me the strength to survive, I am SO thankful I don't have to face that scenerio. Honestly, because of the love that has been showered over me, I think I have been able to have the time to grieve properly and in a healthy way. It has allowed me to be with Ethan too. I think things could have been very different for him as well if his dad AND his mom were torn away from him so suddenly. I was able to be there for him as he grieved too in his child-like understanding of what was taking place. God used Ethan in my life too to remind me daily that there was still so much to live for and that God is still SO at work in our lives. He continues to show that to me through the life of this small child.
AND the blessing list continues.... (througout this past year)
My homemakeover- including painting, light fixtures, tile in kitchen and entryway, railing installed, bathroom hardware AND an amazing fence for my son's safety in the backyard.
Gift Cards- Panera, Kohls, Starbucks, Sonic, McDonald's, the Mall, Timberline, Children's Place, Gap, His & Her Salon, A Free massage, Movie tickets, Dillon's, Target, Wal-Mart, Eagle Auto Wash
Food- Meals from Aug-Nov '07 brought to me at least once a week!
Household items-I had everything from toilet paper to toothpaste to dishwashing detergent delivered to me in August of '07
Diapers- I had about 10 jumbo size boxes of diapers delivered in Aug '08
Painting- The SHHS teachers completed painting my house and trimming within the first week of the accident!
Cards- I have not officially counted these yet, but I have a large box FULL of cards that I plan to put in binders to share with Ethan some day. Almost every one had a personal note written in it. A few people have sent me at LEAST ten-twenty different cards! (They have shown me what having the gift of encouragement is really all about!)
Phone calls & emails- I have had people not only write me, but check-in on me and require a response. They have lovingly pulled me out when I just wanted to hide away!
Flowers- The flowers that Rich so lovingly gave have not ended...so many have sent them at JUST the right times!
Computer Monitor- I even had a computer monitor GIVEN to me when mine went black! Within a day of needing one, it was provided!! (And it is a much nicer one than the one I had, I might add!) Amazing!
I can honestly say that I have NO reason to ever doubt God's provision in my life now or ever in my future. What a mighty God we serve!
Thank you, Lord for allowing me to be a part of your plan. Thank you for surrounding me with people who love you enough to shower me with their generous hearts, time, and resources!
Keep my focus on what is eternally important. I have suffered more in this past year than I have over the course of my entire life. Yet, I have also experienced more blessings than I have ever before! Thank you that nothing happens in our life that does not first go through Your hand. "You turned my wailing into dancing and removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." (Psalm 30:11-12) I pray that I will continue to trust you day by day by day...through the suffering and the blessings. You ARE my refuge and my strength.
So, now that I am feeling better (thanks to the meds!), I am thinking a bit more clearly about my perspective on life. Who cares if I have a few unfinished tasks? I am realizing that it is even okay if I grab clothes from the laundry basket and they never make it into the drawers. These little things don't need to rob me of my joy and especially don't need to take away from my time working on completing the important tasks at hand...my son, my family, my friends, my neighbors, my Lord!! The other things are all going to turn into dust, but the souls of these people and the relationship that I have with my Lord are going to last forever!!
As I think more and more about my schedule, I am going to work really hard on being organized to schedule my life in a way that allows balance. Today as I was talking to my sister on the phone, she was helping me realize that it is important to even put things like my trips to the grocery store, library, etc. on the calendar. Then, I am able to look at my schedule and know when to say no so that I don't end up with a week with not even a minute to take an extra trip to the bathroom! :-) This also allows me to schedule times where I am just AT HOME and investing in my son's life and implementing all of the creative fun activities I have planned for him. After all, I am SO blessed to be home with him, so I need to take the opportunity to be home.
I still am not sure what I believe about heaven and our loved ones that are there. So many people say that Rich is looking down on us and smiling. A part of me so much wants to believe that he is not missing out on Ethan's life and watching him grow. Yet, a part of me also thinks, surely there is too much going on in heaven for them to even think about what is going on here on earth. Plus, if there is no sorrow or tears, how could they really see what is going on here without experiencing those feelings unless they can also see how the end result is good and God's glory in it all. It's just too much for me to wrap my little mind around at times. I DO know that God's word says that the angels and the saints rejoice when someone comes to know Christ. So, I am thinking they probably somehow are aware of these happenings. My biggest prayer is that Rich will be able to rejoice with Jesus when Ethan accepts Him into his life!
The past few nights, my heart has been so touched by Ethan's sweet heart. He has such a love for music! It is so much fun to watch him play the piano, strum the guitar while I play chords, and sing and dance to CDs or the radio. His latest love has been to sing along (always a phrase behind!) It is so adorable...a constant echo as he tries to keep up with the lyrics. The last two nights he has sung himself to sleep. We always pray together before bed and I often sing a song or two as he quietly listens. Well, lately, he has been joining in and then continuing after I leave. Last night it was, "I lub you Lod" (I love you Lord) over and over again. Tonight he was singing "This light of mine...SHINE!" I peeked in and he was waving his little pointer finger around. Now honestly, how can one be stressed out when one is SO blessed?!! There is nothing that keeps you more grounded than having a child. Their perspective is so right on at times. I completely can understand why Jesus said we need to have faith like a child. They believe and trust so easily and the other things just don't seem so important! So, maybe I need to change my focus from "perfect trust" to "child-like trust".
Another thing I wanted to remember and to blog for Ethan's future reference is the blessing of God's provision!! I want him to see that God HAS provided for us in every way possible! Many many people ask me, "When are you going back to work?" I know they are just curious how we are getting by with me staying home with Ethan. It is through MANY resources that this has been possible. I HAVE had to work, but not a typical full-time job that requires me to leave Ethan during his best hours and be home only in time to feed and put him to bed. I am SO very thankful for this AMAZING blessing!! God has provided me with jobs that, for the most part, allow me to take Ethan with me. I am able to clean houses (once a week & I take Ethan with me), work as a Stampin' Up! consultant (mostly from home), work as a wedding liaison for TBC (mostly from home with just a few weekends here and there away), and a nursery coordinator for the fellowship groups at Good News (where I can take Ethan with me!). Also, I receive a S.S. payment each month thanks to Rich's hard work still paying off! And the BIGGEST blessing of all has been the amazing support of mostly anonymous givers through church and friends. I have been blown away by the way others have stepped up to take care of our needs. Our utilities are STILL being paid, I still receive anonymous financial gifts in the Heyroth fund, I received a HUGE gift from my college friends, and the list goes on. (In fact, one small group at church [not even my own] gave me enough money to cover a huge portion of the funeral costs! My hope is that I will be able to stay home with Ethan until he goes to school. At that point, I am hoping to enter a nursing program to become an RN. I really think this is going to be possible just because God continues to provide through others around me and through great job opportunities.
Things could have been so different. Though, I know God would have given me the strength to survive, I am SO thankful I don't have to face that scenerio. Honestly, because of the love that has been showered over me, I think I have been able to have the time to grieve properly and in a healthy way. It has allowed me to be with Ethan too. I think things could have been very different for him as well if his dad AND his mom were torn away from him so suddenly. I was able to be there for him as he grieved too in his child-like understanding of what was taking place. God used Ethan in my life too to remind me daily that there was still so much to live for and that God is still SO at work in our lives. He continues to show that to me through the life of this small child.
AND the blessing list continues.... (througout this past year)
My homemakeover- including painting, light fixtures, tile in kitchen and entryway, railing installed, bathroom hardware AND an amazing fence for my son's safety in the backyard.
Gift Cards- Panera, Kohls, Starbucks, Sonic, McDonald's, the Mall, Timberline, Children's Place, Gap, His & Her Salon, A Free massage, Movie tickets, Dillon's, Target, Wal-Mart, Eagle Auto Wash
Food- Meals from Aug-Nov '07 brought to me at least once a week!
Household items-I had everything from toilet paper to toothpaste to dishwashing detergent delivered to me in August of '07
Diapers- I had about 10 jumbo size boxes of diapers delivered in Aug '08
Painting- The SHHS teachers completed painting my house and trimming within the first week of the accident!
Cards- I have not officially counted these yet, but I have a large box FULL of cards that I plan to put in binders to share with Ethan some day. Almost every one had a personal note written in it. A few people have sent me at LEAST ten-twenty different cards! (They have shown me what having the gift of encouragement is really all about!)
Phone calls & emails- I have had people not only write me, but check-in on me and require a response. They have lovingly pulled me out when I just wanted to hide away!
Flowers- The flowers that Rich so lovingly gave have not ended...so many have sent them at JUST the right times!
Computer Monitor- I even had a computer monitor GIVEN to me when mine went black! Within a day of needing one, it was provided!! (And it is a much nicer one than the one I had, I might add!) Amazing!
Can you believe that list?!!
I have been not only blessed, but completely spoiled!
Most of these things took place right away in Aug. '07. But God has continued to supply ALL of my needs and many of these blessings were enough to be stretched FAR into that first year. I need to note that these things do not take away the pain, hurt, and suffering of losing someone you love so dearly. BUT, God has used not the things, but the people to show me He is in control and that I have nothing to fear. He has also used these people to fill me up when I am hurting, to actually physically touch me and give me a hug I need, to listen, to encourage, to direct me, to guide me to His word (My favorite cards were those filled with verses!), and to just love me through it all!!I can honestly say that I have NO reason to ever doubt God's provision in my life now or ever in my future. What a mighty God we serve!
Thank you, Lord for allowing me to be a part of your plan. Thank you for surrounding me with people who love you enough to shower me with their generous hearts, time, and resources!
Keep my focus on what is eternally important. I have suffered more in this past year than I have over the course of my entire life. Yet, I have also experienced more blessings than I have ever before! Thank you that nothing happens in our life that does not first go through Your hand. "You turned my wailing into dancing and removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." (Psalm 30:11-12) I pray that I will continue to trust you day by day by day...through the suffering and the blessings. You ARE my refuge and my strength.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Blah!
Well, if there is one way for Satan to really get a foothold in my life, he knows it is to make me sick. There is nothing that gets me more down in the dumps than feeling sick. I think part of it is just me feeling out of control. (There is that control issue again!) I hate feeling like I can't keep up with life and that it is just passing me by while I am doing my best just to keep the bare minimum running around my own house. Keeping up with a toddler and the day to day business of running a household, meeting deadlines, paying bills, going to work, etc. is hard enough when you are feeling great. Now that I am finally feeling BETTER and coming out of my fog of fever, chills, and head cold, I am overwhelmed with life. I feel like I have the everyday details to keep going with, but also the last four days of details that need catching up.
I am also reminded (when in my not so positive outlook state) that I have about a year of details that kind of got pushed aside. I can usually look at this past year of my life and think about all of the things that I DID accomplish and how it is really only through God's strength that I even functioned somewhat properly at all! Miraculously, my son seems to have also made it through the year and somehow even thrived at times as he has grown physically, emotionally, and mentally. Yet, even though I had the strength (only through God's own hand and the people surrounding me) to make it through the year, there are SO many details of things that got left undone. As I lay in bed feeling terrible these past few evenings, all of these things started coming to mind. The fact that I STILL have many tubs of things I need to go through, piles of papers that need to be filed, and an office full of Rich's things that I have left untouched. As I sit at the computer I am almost paralyzed by the thought of facing tomorrow. Yes, I am feeling better physically (Thank you, Lord) but because I was sick, I actually had time to stop and think. This is when I start to let my mind be filled with anxious thoughts about my past, my present, and my future. I MUST take every thought captive and give it up to God. Yet, realistically, how do I ever catch up?! Tomorrow, I will wake up and begin a new day filled with new things on the agenda and a non-stop toddler who will take up any "extra" moment that I may have to even think about getting caught up on the past year of my life.
As I look ahead at the fall, I can already see myself filling up every weekend and weekday with more activities and jobs. I have never been good at saying no, but I feel like I am falling back into a pattern of filling every moment and now I don't have my sweet husband at my side that is telling me to say, "No!" I want so badly to be able to do it all. Yet, where does my hope and significance come from? Well, I know where it SHOULD come from. I am finding myself falling into the performance trap once again. As I write this, my eyes are directed to my bookshelf and the book "Search for Significance" is tugging at my heart. I just stopped to grab it and it fell open to a page where I had underlined these words "When we base our security and value on how well we perform and how we want others to perceive us, failure poses a tremendous threat to us. " And as I quickly flip through I read, "Satan's lie: Self-Worth= Performance + Others' Opinions. ...God is the only One who loves and appreciates us unconditionally."
I want my biggest desire to be to love and honor my Lord with my life...that I would only seek His approval. You know what the funny part about it all is? I have the best friends and family in the world. I think that they are probably not disappointed in me or what I am or am unable to do, but it is ME that I am not able to please. I let my own expectations overwhelm me as I set goals for myself that are unattainable. I find myself disappointed in myself instead of seeking God for His approval.
I DO need to work on some of the "projects" from this past year. They are very overwhelming and I often find myself paralyzed by it all wondering where to even begin. When I finally have a moment to tackle a project, it is often later in the evening when Ethan is asleep. By then, my mind and body are often exhausted and it just seems like I am unable to think clearly enough to make good decisions. So, another night passes and they are left undone once again. This may sound morbid, but there are days when I kind of wish my house would burn down and I would have to start anew with nothing but my memories. I have moments where I would like to move to another part of the country where no one knew about this "part" of me. Yet, without the body of Christ that has surrounded me, I would have never survived. I don't want people to think I am ungrateful for the support they have given me. I guess I just with I was never in need of the support to begin with.
As I read back over this entry, I realize how down in the dumps I really sound. I think I need to go spend some more time alone with my best friend and lean a little more on Him. This "Perfect Trust" thing takes a LOT of work, but I know that He will be faithful to fill me up if I just ask.
"Ah, Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for You." Jeremiah 32:17
I am also reminded (when in my not so positive outlook state) that I have about a year of details that kind of got pushed aside. I can usually look at this past year of my life and think about all of the things that I DID accomplish and how it is really only through God's strength that I even functioned somewhat properly at all! Miraculously, my son seems to have also made it through the year and somehow even thrived at times as he has grown physically, emotionally, and mentally. Yet, even though I had the strength (only through God's own hand and the people surrounding me) to make it through the year, there are SO many details of things that got left undone. As I lay in bed feeling terrible these past few evenings, all of these things started coming to mind. The fact that I STILL have many tubs of things I need to go through, piles of papers that need to be filed, and an office full of Rich's things that I have left untouched. As I sit at the computer I am almost paralyzed by the thought of facing tomorrow. Yes, I am feeling better physically (Thank you, Lord) but because I was sick, I actually had time to stop and think. This is when I start to let my mind be filled with anxious thoughts about my past, my present, and my future. I MUST take every thought captive and give it up to God. Yet, realistically, how do I ever catch up?! Tomorrow, I will wake up and begin a new day filled with new things on the agenda and a non-stop toddler who will take up any "extra" moment that I may have to even think about getting caught up on the past year of my life.
As I look ahead at the fall, I can already see myself filling up every weekend and weekday with more activities and jobs. I have never been good at saying no, but I feel like I am falling back into a pattern of filling every moment and now I don't have my sweet husband at my side that is telling me to say, "No!" I want so badly to be able to do it all. Yet, where does my hope and significance come from? Well, I know where it SHOULD come from. I am finding myself falling into the performance trap once again. As I write this, my eyes are directed to my bookshelf and the book "Search for Significance" is tugging at my heart. I just stopped to grab it and it fell open to a page where I had underlined these words "When we base our security and value on how well we perform and how we want others to perceive us, failure poses a tremendous threat to us. " And as I quickly flip through I read, "Satan's lie: Self-Worth= Performance + Others' Opinions. ...God is the only One who loves and appreciates us unconditionally."
I want my biggest desire to be to love and honor my Lord with my life...that I would only seek His approval. You know what the funny part about it all is? I have the best friends and family in the world. I think that they are probably not disappointed in me or what I am or am unable to do, but it is ME that I am not able to please. I let my own expectations overwhelm me as I set goals for myself that are unattainable. I find myself disappointed in myself instead of seeking God for His approval.
I DO need to work on some of the "projects" from this past year. They are very overwhelming and I often find myself paralyzed by it all wondering where to even begin. When I finally have a moment to tackle a project, it is often later in the evening when Ethan is asleep. By then, my mind and body are often exhausted and it just seems like I am unable to think clearly enough to make good decisions. So, another night passes and they are left undone once again. This may sound morbid, but there are days when I kind of wish my house would burn down and I would have to start anew with nothing but my memories. I have moments where I would like to move to another part of the country where no one knew about this "part" of me. Yet, without the body of Christ that has surrounded me, I would have never survived. I don't want people to think I am ungrateful for the support they have given me. I guess I just with I was never in need of the support to begin with.
As I read back over this entry, I realize how down in the dumps I really sound. I think I need to go spend some more time alone with my best friend and lean a little more on Him. This "Perfect Trust" thing takes a LOT of work, but I know that He will be faithful to fill me up if I just ask.
"Ah, Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for You." Jeremiah 32:17
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Walk and Talk
One of the things I have struggled with most since having Rich gone is losing my freedom to come and go as I please; knowing we could usually arrange for one of us to watch Ethan as the other would run a quick errand or just take some time alone. I especially miss my morning walk and talks with God. When Rich and I were dating, we used to go on "walk and talks" around the City park in Manhattan. For some reason when we were walking, we were able to really just lay out what was on our hearts before each other...whether it be a frustration or a joy. When we got married, we continued these "walk and talks" (Yes, taken from Dr. Seuss Hop on Pop) They were a great way to get some exercise together and yet also have time to enjoy one another's company. If there was ever an "issue" that needed to be discussed, it was a great way to talk about it because neither of us could really leave the room or flee from discussing it.
I would also often enjoy walk and talks with God. There is just something so great about the fresh morning air, before the city seems to wake up with movement and get cluttered with busy people going here and there. I love having that quiet time with just me and God. Now that Rich is gone, I can, of course, still have that time with God, but I can't really leave the house since my sleeping toddler is there. As I woke up this morning, I was kind of bummed that it was raining because I actually have my MIL here and I could get OUT of the house early to go be with God. Well, God reminded me that it is not where I spend time with Him, but just that I DO spend time with Him. It is so easy to focus in on the things I can't do anymore instead of focusing in on what I can do. Yes, I miss those late night runs to Sonic and at times feel rather trapped at home, but overall, it is just forcing me to always plan ahead a bit more. So I can't run to Dillon's at 11:00 pm to get that one ingredient I forgot to make something for MOPS or that family I promised a meal the next morning. But, honestly, I would never give up my little boy for a little more freedom.
As I had a "sit and chit chat" with God this morning, I was once again filled with the same kind of encouraging words that He would speak to my heart while we were walking together. "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in all the earth." ~Psalm 46 As I opened His word, I found these words to be written out right before me and even underlined (in Rich's Bible). Yes, God still speaks to me if I just take the time to listen! It was almost as if He were saying, "See, even Rich wants you to know that I am here for you."
I am SO thankful for my relationship with God. It is truly the only love that will last for a lifetime. If I had not had nurtured this relationship before Rich had died, I think my life would have literally fallen apart. There have been so many times that I have been lazy or too tired to actually open His word and soak it in. Yet, God's word never returns void. Every time I DO take the time to be faithful to open it up and just sit and chit chat with God, oh what glorious rewards I receive! He truly does know how to fill all of my needs. He is even willing to hold my hand through this journey of ups and downs. "For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, saying to you, 'Fear not, I will help you'" Isaiah 41:13 So, when I start to focus on what I no longer have, I pray that I will be able to redirect my thoughts to what I DO have and that is something that can NEVER be taken away...my relationship with Christ...someone who truly cares about my deepest needs, desires, and hopes for my future.
Thank you, Lord, for showing me that just because so much of my "freedom" has been taken away, you have never left my side. There are so many examples of those who truly had their freedom taken away in your Word. Even through imprisonment and persecution, they continued to seek you first. Give me that kind of strength!!
"Each loss is truest gain, if day by day, He fills the place of all He takes away."
I would also often enjoy walk and talks with God. There is just something so great about the fresh morning air, before the city seems to wake up with movement and get cluttered with busy people going here and there. I love having that quiet time with just me and God. Now that Rich is gone, I can, of course, still have that time with God, but I can't really leave the house since my sleeping toddler is there. As I woke up this morning, I was kind of bummed that it was raining because I actually have my MIL here and I could get OUT of the house early to go be with God. Well, God reminded me that it is not where I spend time with Him, but just that I DO spend time with Him. It is so easy to focus in on the things I can't do anymore instead of focusing in on what I can do. Yes, I miss those late night runs to Sonic and at times feel rather trapped at home, but overall, it is just forcing me to always plan ahead a bit more. So I can't run to Dillon's at 11:00 pm to get that one ingredient I forgot to make something for MOPS or that family I promised a meal the next morning. But, honestly, I would never give up my little boy for a little more freedom.
As I had a "sit and chit chat" with God this morning, I was once again filled with the same kind of encouraging words that He would speak to my heart while we were walking together. "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in all the earth." ~Psalm 46 As I opened His word, I found these words to be written out right before me and even underlined (in Rich's Bible). Yes, God still speaks to me if I just take the time to listen! It was almost as if He were saying, "See, even Rich wants you to know that I am here for you."
I am SO thankful for my relationship with God. It is truly the only love that will last for a lifetime. If I had not had nurtured this relationship before Rich had died, I think my life would have literally fallen apart. There have been so many times that I have been lazy or too tired to actually open His word and soak it in. Yet, God's word never returns void. Every time I DO take the time to be faithful to open it up and just sit and chit chat with God, oh what glorious rewards I receive! He truly does know how to fill all of my needs. He is even willing to hold my hand through this journey of ups and downs. "For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, saying to you, 'Fear not, I will help you'" Isaiah 41:13 So, when I start to focus on what I no longer have, I pray that I will be able to redirect my thoughts to what I DO have and that is something that can NEVER be taken away...my relationship with Christ...someone who truly cares about my deepest needs, desires, and hopes for my future.
Thank you, Lord, for showing me that just because so much of my "freedom" has been taken away, you have never left my side. There are so many examples of those who truly had their freedom taken away in your Word. Even through imprisonment and persecution, they continued to seek you first. Give me that kind of strength!!
"Each loss is truest gain, if day by day, He fills the place of all He takes away."
Friday, August 22, 2008
God's protection...
Well, I think I hit rock bottom on the whole scale of being a good mom. I have been feeling pretty sick the last 48 hours. Usually, I just kick into stubborn mode and tell myself I am going to fight it continuing to not sleep and keeping up with all of the house work, meetings, mom duties, work, etc. I started this week with an hour-by-hour schedule with every morning, afternoon, and evening filled with everything from dentist appt to house cleaning jobs (outside of my own home), to meeting with stamping clients, etc. I began feeling pretty sick Wed. night with the whole body aching, headache, chills, etc. By Thursday morning I was just SICK!! I was SO tired even after going to bed by 9:30 the night before (which is COMPLETELY unheard of for the nightowl in me). I could hardly drag myself out of bed and, though it sounds little, had a REALLY bad sore throat and headache and fever. I went ahead with my mom duties, but began cancelling meetings for noon that day and even evening plans to meet with a friend who is getting married soon. I just knew that making it through the day was going to be a challenge in itself. I know I am sounding completely pathetic at this point and like I just can't handle being sick. But, honestly, I am not a wimp in this area. Unfortunately, I usually don't listen to my body and end up with bronchitis or even worse pnemonia (like last year). This time I decided I would tackle it head on with the drugs and rest my body. This is where the WORST MOM ever award comes into play...
I sat down on the couch Thursday morning with my hot tea and book in hand and told Ethan mommy was sick and that he needed to look at his own books for a while. He was Great! He got a pile of books and began looking through them. This was at about 9:00. Well, at about 10:30 I woke up! YES! I actually fell asleep for a whole hour and a half while I was supposed to be watching my 2 year old! For those of you that don't have kids, this may not sound like a big deal. But, if you have or have ever had a TWO year old (esp. a climber like mine) you would be freaking out! I woke up with a start and began to panic when I looked at the clock and realized I had not just drifted off for a minute or two. Surprisingly enough, my AMAZING sweet boy was still sitting on the living room floor. He had all of his blocks and block puzzle pieces arranged in what appeared to be a city. It was amazing. He had his cars at certain places and had built tunnels. I began looking around for the gallon of milk that may have been spilled out of the fridge or who knows what. I looked in the kitchen for all kinds of dangers that could be lurking. I asked him what he had been doing and he said, "books and blocks" "Look Mommy what I build!" "Mommy sick." "Mommy sleep." "Pretend sleep?" No, that was far from "pretend sleep"! I looked over and he had gone through most of the books in his basket and placed them back in a neat pile. I was shocked! God must have had an angel watching over my little guy. He is SO curious all of the time and with the help of a chair, can pretty much get into anything now. What an amazing God to step in for me to not only be a father to the fatherless, but also a mother! I was so thankful for my sweet boy who, when mommy needed it, was SO obedient and did not wander away or do anything unwise. Instead, he amazed me by showing me a new creative side of building that I didn't even know he could do! He explained every building to me and I just sat there in awe thanking God for taking care of Ethan for the last hour and a half!
To my surprise, I was STILL tired enough to nap again (this time during HIS nap time). AND, I even went to bed early again Thursday night. Thankfully, I am feeling better today with no fever and just what I would call a nasty chest cold. I am continuing to do my best to take care of myself. Rich was SO good to me in this area...almost demanding at times. But, he knew that stubborn me needed someone to tell me like it is. As I went to get a steamer tonight from the local Amoco I realized that I had not had a cappucino from there or a steamer since Rich has been gone. He used to frequently bring me a "treat" to give me the caffeine pick-me-up I needed or something to settle me down for the night like a steamer. He, of course, would get something too and we would sit and chat over our hot drinks. I can't believe it has been over a year since I have done this.
Last night was another night of vivid dreams. God, once again, protected me in another kind of way. These dreams were SO real to me. Throughout the WHOLE night I was dreaming of Rich and his involvement in our day-to-day lives. It felt so real, that even when I would wake up and realize it wasn't real, I wanted to go back to sleep just so I could FEEL like it was real for a moment. I remember at one point, it was a Saturday morning and Rich and Ethan were sitting out on the back deck eating cereal together. Rich had that sheepish grin on his face that he would often get when he knew he did something he shouldn't have, but also knew he could get away with it because it wasn't really THAT big of a deal. (Ethan has that SAME look often!) In my dream, he had gotten Ethan up early and out of bed just so he could have some extra time with him. In my dreams, he had been traveling a lot (with his job?) and so was only home for short times. We missed him so much and yet were SO happy when he would return. It was always an unspoken in our house that you never wake a sleeping baby (or kid). Yet, in the dream, I was so happy he was able to have all of the extra time with Ethan that he could have. In real life, I remember Rich wanting to go in and wake Ethan up (as an infant) even in the middle of the night just so he could have extra "moments" with him. As a mother, of course, I told him no and that Ethan needed his sleep (and so did I!) Oh, how I wish I had those moments back. I would have never cared about sleep deprivation if only I could have one more moment with HIM and he could have one more moment with his precious son. Thankfully, I was spared a night of tormenting tears. I woke up several times throughout the night and even had to think twice a time or two before I realized that Rich really was no longer with us and that he was not just away on travels. I was very sad, but also felt a great peace come over me (the Holy Spirit) telling me it was okay and that I was not alone.
"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build you up again." Jer. 31:3 Slowly, but surely, God IS building me up again. The tears still come, but not as often, and definitely not as violent. They are more tears mixed with sorrow and joy. I still have my moments where they hit me by surprise and I HATE feeling out of control, but God is showing me that my life is not mine to control. "Self-sufficiency is a terrible place to be. We need God." ~Dr. Joseph Stowell
So, once again, though it may be through a little thing as "sleeping on the job", God has shown His faithfulness to protect me and my son. Though sleeping with a toddler awake in the house is NOT something I recommend, it is nice to know that we both survived andthat one day I may even look back on this and laugh. Maybe...
I sat down on the couch Thursday morning with my hot tea and book in hand and told Ethan mommy was sick and that he needed to look at his own books for a while. He was Great! He got a pile of books and began looking through them. This was at about 9:00. Well, at about 10:30 I woke up! YES! I actually fell asleep for a whole hour and a half while I was supposed to be watching my 2 year old! For those of you that don't have kids, this may not sound like a big deal. But, if you have or have ever had a TWO year old (esp. a climber like mine) you would be freaking out! I woke up with a start and began to panic when I looked at the clock and realized I had not just drifted off for a minute or two. Surprisingly enough, my AMAZING sweet boy was still sitting on the living room floor. He had all of his blocks and block puzzle pieces arranged in what appeared to be a city. It was amazing. He had his cars at certain places and had built tunnels. I began looking around for the gallon of milk that may have been spilled out of the fridge or who knows what. I looked in the kitchen for all kinds of dangers that could be lurking. I asked him what he had been doing and he said, "books and blocks" "Look Mommy what I build!" "Mommy sick." "Mommy sleep." "Pretend sleep?" No, that was far from "pretend sleep"! I looked over and he had gone through most of the books in his basket and placed them back in a neat pile. I was shocked! God must have had an angel watching over my little guy. He is SO curious all of the time and with the help of a chair, can pretty much get into anything now. What an amazing God to step in for me to not only be a father to the fatherless, but also a mother! I was so thankful for my sweet boy who, when mommy needed it, was SO obedient and did not wander away or do anything unwise. Instead, he amazed me by showing me a new creative side of building that I didn't even know he could do! He explained every building to me and I just sat there in awe thanking God for taking care of Ethan for the last hour and a half!
To my surprise, I was STILL tired enough to nap again (this time during HIS nap time). AND, I even went to bed early again Thursday night. Thankfully, I am feeling better today with no fever and just what I would call a nasty chest cold. I am continuing to do my best to take care of myself. Rich was SO good to me in this area...almost demanding at times. But, he knew that stubborn me needed someone to tell me like it is. As I went to get a steamer tonight from the local Amoco I realized that I had not had a cappucino from there or a steamer since Rich has been gone. He used to frequently bring me a "treat" to give me the caffeine pick-me-up I needed or something to settle me down for the night like a steamer. He, of course, would get something too and we would sit and chat over our hot drinks. I can't believe it has been over a year since I have done this.
Last night was another night of vivid dreams. God, once again, protected me in another kind of way. These dreams were SO real to me. Throughout the WHOLE night I was dreaming of Rich and his involvement in our day-to-day lives. It felt so real, that even when I would wake up and realize it wasn't real, I wanted to go back to sleep just so I could FEEL like it was real for a moment. I remember at one point, it was a Saturday morning and Rich and Ethan were sitting out on the back deck eating cereal together. Rich had that sheepish grin on his face that he would often get when he knew he did something he shouldn't have, but also knew he could get away with it because it wasn't really THAT big of a deal. (Ethan has that SAME look often!) In my dream, he had gotten Ethan up early and out of bed just so he could have some extra time with him. In my dreams, he had been traveling a lot (with his job?) and so was only home for short times. We missed him so much and yet were SO happy when he would return. It was always an unspoken in our house that you never wake a sleeping baby (or kid). Yet, in the dream, I was so happy he was able to have all of the extra time with Ethan that he could have. In real life, I remember Rich wanting to go in and wake Ethan up (as an infant) even in the middle of the night just so he could have extra "moments" with him. As a mother, of course, I told him no and that Ethan needed his sleep (and so did I!) Oh, how I wish I had those moments back. I would have never cared about sleep deprivation if only I could have one more moment with HIM and he could have one more moment with his precious son. Thankfully, I was spared a night of tormenting tears. I woke up several times throughout the night and even had to think twice a time or two before I realized that Rich really was no longer with us and that he was not just away on travels. I was very sad, but also felt a great peace come over me (the Holy Spirit) telling me it was okay and that I was not alone.
"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build you up again." Jer. 31:3 Slowly, but surely, God IS building me up again. The tears still come, but not as often, and definitely not as violent. They are more tears mixed with sorrow and joy. I still have my moments where they hit me by surprise and I HATE feeling out of control, but God is showing me that my life is not mine to control. "Self-sufficiency is a terrible place to be. We need God." ~Dr. Joseph Stowell
So, once again, though it may be through a little thing as "sleeping on the job", God has shown His faithfulness to protect me and my son. Though sleeping with a toddler awake in the house is NOT something I recommend, it is nice to know that we both survived andthat one day I may even look back on this and laugh. Maybe...
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