As I begin this post, I am still sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I knew this day would come, but I didn't think so soon and I was hoping it wouldn't hurt SO badly. As a mother, there is nothing worse than seeing your child hurt and not being able to take away that pain. This has been a week of developing questions through the eyes of a two year old. One may think, how much can he really understand? Well, it appears more than I could ever imagine and in some ways, more than I could ever hope for.
Our bedtime routine usually consists of reading (a book of choice and a story from the Toddler Bible or other Bible story). We then pray together. I let Ethan choose some special person to pray for and then we pray for that person(s). This is usually a family member or a friend we just saw that day. Sometimes he also wants to pray for Bob or Larry (Veggie Tales). Lately, he has been becoming a bit of a pro at delaying the last tuck in and kiss goodnight. I have to admit, I am kind of a sucker for a sweet one-on-one conversation and so will often let him talk a bit about the day and we often talk about what we have to look forward to the next day.
Well, this week, he has been bringing up Daddy more and more. It started out with a sweet "I love my Mommy and I love my Daddy." one night. I just kind of let it go thinking that was sweet. The next night he said it again and followed it with, "Daddy go home." I wasn't sure if this was a question or a statement, so I said, "Yes...daddy went home.." and before I could finish he interrupted with, "to Jesus home" I was happy to see that he did not seem upset by it, but was stating what he understood. A few tears started to form in my eyes. I thought I would hold it together better, but I couldn't. I was partly sad because it made me miss his daddy and all he was missing out on by not having him here. Partly, they were tears of joy that my sweet boy knew that Jesus was with Daddy. He was immediately concerned that I was crying (so tenderhearted!) and so I tried to tell him I was just sad because I missed daddy, not because of anything he did. Then, he started to ask if daddy would come to mommy's house. I said that he couldn't because he was really hurt and so Jesus took him home to live with Him and that he was all better now and we could see him again someday. Not really sure if that was what I had been counseled to say, but in the moment, you just have to speak when a two year old is demanding answers. Well, the daddy talk has continued all week. Tonight, at supper, he was even making a "family" out of his grapes..."Daddy, Mommy, and Ethan" lining them all up with the little one being him, of course. :-) Then, tonight, I really lost it. As I was putting him to bed, he just said we had to pray for daddy to come to mommy's house. He stood up on his bed trying to reach the picture of his daddy and started yelling, "Daddy, Mommy and Ethan's house, NOW!" I tried so hard to not cry again, but how can you just watch your child wanting so badly for something you yourself want for them as well and not cry. He did not see me cry, but began literally sobbing himself as he continued to yell. I then, also, began to sob like a baby as I just held him and rocked him. He fell asleep tonight just crying in my arms. I don't even know how much he truly understands, but I do know he is experiencing some true emotions about it all. He is starting to notice that other kids have daddys and often talks about their daddys. I keep thinking, "He is only two and a half, how much can he really wrap his mind around?"
Yet, even in the midst of all of the pain, his little two-year old brain, understands one thing. It was almost as if God were reminding me tonight through Ethan's words (from earlier this week)...He said, "God loves daddy... loves Ethan and mommy too" Again I am reminded at what an amazing God we serve that He can reach even the heart of a two year old with his love.
I had to quickly turn my mind to His word and what His love is all about, because for a moment, I was feeling so unloved, so angry that God would allow this to happen to a sweet innocent boy. For me to lose my husband is terrible, heartbreaking, and so lonely at times, BUT for Ethan to lose his daddy just seems devastating and so unfair!! After I laid him down in his bed, I just laid my head down on his bed beside him with my hand on his heart and prayed for him. I knew it would be so tempting to just run away and even go cry myself to sleep, but instead, I decided I must face this God that had allowed this to happen. I MUST trust Him and remember that He is big enough to handle even this situation. I knew that He would not allow this to happen without a bigger purpose. I just prayed that He would make Ethan's heart so soft to His love and that Ethan would grow up with an amazing trust in God that even his mommy could not understand. I prayed that God would make him a man after His own heart and that he would not stray from Him, but that he would look to Him for all of his needs. I prayed that God would step it up in Ethan's life :-) and fill that void and just love Him in a way that would be more than enough to meet his needs. I also prayed that I would have the words to say and the emotional strength to go back through this all again. I have been told that when a child loses a parent, there are so many stages of grief that will just keep reappearing throughout life. I want to just take it all away for him. I know that, only with God's strength, are we going to get through this together!
After I left Ethan's room, I began to read. I was reminded that our human love has so many limitations. I am not perfect and so my love is not perfect for Ethan. But, God IS! "How completely satisfying to turn from our limitations to a God who has none."
~A.W. Tozer
The vastness of his love means that I can always count on his love. Humans will fail us even in their greatest attempts to love, but God never will! In fact, my mind isn't great enough to even grasp the fullness of God's love for me and my son. God loves me far more than I will ever know.
As I was taking some time to look for truth on God's love for me, these are a couple of verses I found that encouraged me. Even though there are still so many questions in my head and my future is still so unclear at times, I pray these verses will be true in my life. I know that God did not guarantee this life on earth would be easy, so I pray that even through the tough times, I would be faithful to glorify His name!
Psalm 86: 12-13
I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.
Hosea 11:8
How can I abandon you? My heart will not let me do it! My love for you is too strong.
(Good News translation)
Jeremiah 31:3
I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.
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4 comments:
Elizabeth,
My heart breaks for Ethan. You are handling it so beautifully. So many would run because it hurts them so bad. As a mom you want to fix it, and I can't imagine the task you have of getting Ethan through it... again and again. I bet you hear it often, but lady you are an inspiration. Like I tell Ty often, God was so smart to know you need me for a mommy and I need you for a son. God is indeed wonderful in providing Ethan you for a mommy. Amanda Budden
Oh, my heart breaks too. I had to really listen to you in the latter part of your post because it's so hard to know what to do with the feelings. I lift you and Ethan up in prayer. I know (and you know)that God truly loves Ethan. He truly cares for him. He will not give him more than he can handle with God's loving help. I know it's so hard for you as his momma because you want to reach in and hold his heart... but just remember God actually DOES hold his heart. I guess, in His wisdom, He knows that Ethan needs to process his feelings right now so that they don't hold him in bondage. So that he can be free. God has such great plans for e. Without a doubt. Keep praying momma. We are praying for you.
That's tough. And you are handling things great with Ethan, he is so blessed to have a mom like you. :) I never really thought about it, but I suppose grief is like every other topic that comes up again and again in a toddlers questions. Hang in there, as always, we're praying for you two.
Find those moments of joy - they could not exist without God. Smiles and laughter could not exist without our loving God. Love does not exist without God - thank God for all of the love in your life. You are truly walking in Faith, which is what God asks of us - may you find moments of peace where you know and feel God's presence. Love to you and Ethan, a Friend of a Friend.
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