Waiting...

I just got done going in for the last tuck in of the night. I usually give Ethan some time to "read" and settle himself down and then go in for one last kiss and sometimes if he is really chatty, we talk for a bit before saying good night. Tonight, he was really into talking about eyes. It is so interesting how little kids get hung up on something and sometimes I can figure out where it came from, but it often seems like such a random thought to me. I'm sure there was something that led his mind down this trail, but who knows?! He was telling me that he had blue eyes and mommy had blue eyes and he continued on with Grandmother, Granddad, Nana, Papa, and finally daddy. I was surprised that he actually got them all right...green, blue, brown, blue, and blue. As I laid there listening to him continue on with blue doggie and watching him look at him and notice that his eyes were black, my mind wandered a bit as I thought of his daddy's blue eyes. Oh, his deep blue, almost always laughing or smiling blue eyes. They were what first attracted me to him. No, it was not what I first noticed. I actually remember meeting him and a bunch of his friends as he was snorting jello in the cafeteria at K-State and all the guys were SO impressed while the girls (esp. me) were grossed out! :-) At the time I didn't really care to know the guy, but somehow years later, he inched his way into my heart and I am so glad he did. However, I never let him forget about the jello!

Lately, I have been feeling as if life is still moving ahead and yet I am just kind of stuck, watching it all move forward...Ethan growing up and changing, married friends growing their families, single friends beginning new dating relationships, and here I am wondering what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I know that ultimately my purpose is to know and grow in my relationship with my Lord. But, what about the living on earth stuff. Part of that is so insignificant and doesn't really matter, but I almost feel like my life has just stopped a bit. Don't get me wrong...I still have so much hope as God fills my life with opportunities to invest in others' lives, build relationships, share about Him, and even grow in my own knowledge of Him. But, I guess I just wonder if this is it as far as having that special someone by my side to share in all of the joys and sorrows together. I have discovered there is still grief...getting away on the cruise was amazing! I was able to have some time to myself and to think through some things...to evaluate where I am at and what I want to do. Yet, as I looked back over the past couple of months, I could see where I had filled every free moment with something or someone...not allowing myself to feel lonely. As the grief becomes less intense, I am faced with the harsh reality of being ALONE! As I thought about it, I realized that I have NEVER lived alone. I went from home, to college with roommates, to marriage. I have always surrounded myself with people. I LOVE people. I love to be social and relational. Yet, I started wondering if I was using people as a crutch because I didn't want to face the loneliness and quietness and having no one there. I now have a child that lives with me that I love and adore and demands my attention. Yet, after I put him to bed, the house becomes quiet. I am not really into tv and so my options are the housework, other odd jobs, the computer, the phone, and reading. Thankfully my mom told us from a young age, "Boredom is a choice." I truly believe this and never really find myself becoming bored, but loneliness is something that can hit you even when you are busy doing three things at one time!

So now the questions begin...what AM I supposed to do from here? The big dating question has begun to surface and I have even gone on a few dates. Am I ready? That is a complicated question to answer. In some ways, I am SO ready. I LOVED being a wife. I think waiting is almost harder now because I know what it is like to be married and though it IS work and I have a better and more realistic view of it all now than when I was 23, I miss having my best friend by my side as I experience life through the ups and downs. Will I find a new best friend? I don't know. If not, I don't plan to get married again. Though I would love for my sweet boy to have a daddy and to grow my family, those are not good enough reasons to get married. God continues to take care of our needs in the most miraculous ways and put men in Ethan's path that love on him, rough house with him, teach and instruct him, and though (if I am 100% honest) if frightens me a bit to raise a boy on my own, I am trusting God with him. Whenever I start to feel like it is all on my shoulders, God reminds me that ultimately, Ethan is HIS child. God has given me a great responsibility, but not without His support. Even as I type this, I can still hear Ethan singing (quite loudly- ha) "Jesus loves me, ohhhh, yes he loves me" It just makes my heart fill with joy. God has used him so much to prove to me over and over again that He DOES have a hand in our lives and cares so deeply about our most intimate needs! What a blessing it is to have my sweet boy, a little piece of Rich, and to have faith like a child!!

My mind is just swirling with thoughts tonight and I don't feel like I am able to write them out very clearly. I just wanted to update my blog a bit to let Ethan know as he reads this someday as an adult, that God continues to work even in our confusion, in our waiting, and in our questions. We don't have to know all the answers. We just have to continue to step forward in faith and trust that He DOES have the answers and the best plan for our lives. So, I guess I kind of answered my own questions. :-) Funny how God does that when we just open our hearts to Him!

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." ~Psalm 27:14

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope." ~Psalm 130:5

Cruisin' Along...

As I spend time tonight packing for my upcoming cruise, I am filled with a variety of emotions. I want so badly to be thrilled to enjoy such an amazing experience. Yet, there is a part of me that is so torn up inside. This was a trip that was "supposed" to be taken with my partner of ten years. We were so excited to dream big and start saving for our vacation and celebration of marriage. Not knowing what God had in store for us with family planning and all, we realized that this would have to be somewhat flexible, but the jar continued to be filled and as the mark grew closer, we were getting excited to think this was actually attainable!

Yet, like I said, I had no idea what God had in store for me. I am still so thrilled at the opportunity to go and to enjoy some time away with some dear girlfriends, but there is a part of me that is just aching inside as I think about Rich and how all of my "happy moments" were always so much happier when he was by my side. Rich used to always tell me that when he was away from me and experiencing something fun and exciting, he wished I could be there to experience it with him because it was always that much better with me by his side. I had to agree. There is something special about sharing those moments with the person on earth that you love the most! Awww...so as I think about this cruise, I am filled with such excitement and so much sadness all rolled into one. I want so badly to just enjoy it, and I think I will once I am on my way, but the process of preparing has been a difficult one.

Along with the mix of feelings, I am also experiencing guilt. I feel almost embarrassed to tell people I am going thinking that I should not be enjoying such an extravagant trip. So many people have expressed their genuine happiness and excitement for me and I know everyone wants me to have fun in life, but it is just hard to really accept all the good that has been given to me. I know others have trials and hardships too and I feel like so much attention has been poured out in my direction that others' pain and suffering may have been overlooked at times. I want everyone to experience the true love of the body of Christ and God's faithfulness in their lives as I have in my own. I want them to see what a mighty God we serve and remember that we all have trials, but God is capable of granting the grace to get through it ALL. I was reminded when meeting with a friend recently, how truly sheltered we Christians in America are to the real meaning of persecution and suffering. It is so commonplace in some areas of the world for Christians to be harassed, raped, beaten, and even killed just for claiming their love for Christ. And though I do not want to lose my mercy for others and their hardships, I want to keep my perspective clear on our eternal purpose on this earth and not get so caught up in these sufferings or my own "woe is me" moments. I want to be a martyr in the right sense of the word. I know God can be glorified even in my life as I experience the joy of traveling with friends on my cruise. Yet, I still struggle a bit with letting myself 100% truly enjoy moments. It is a sign to me that I have not completely let go of the grief in my life, even though I so desperately want to release it! It is a bit of a stronghold that I realize I need to give up to God because I don't want it to hold me back from living life and moving on with my life. I know God still has great plans for my future and it excites me so much when I see the way he continues to use me and work in my life. I am working on finding the balance of letting the grief go, and yet still allowing God to use my experience to reach others.

If I am completely honest, another emotion I am also experiencing as I plan to leave is a bit of fear. You would think with all that I have been through, I would learn to trust God with my life and the life of my son. Yet, I still struggle a bit as I think of leaving Ethan and the thought of what if I don't return. When I really think about it, I know that I am Not in control of my life and so I need to just let go and trust. But, I still have this motherly nature that does not want to see my son hurt or suffer if I have anything to say about it. I would rather lose him than have him go through the suffering of losing both parents. We have talked about me leaving and it is so hard because he gets all upset and doesn't want me to go. I know he will be fine and is being left in good hands, but I also fear a bit for his emotional well being. At one point this week, he said, "Mommy die too?" I wanted to cancel the cruise right then and there. Yet, I know from personal experience that it doesn't really matter if I am here in Topeka or across the world...God is in control! I told him those exact words, "God is in control, sweetheart, and he loves you very much!"

So, as I pack my bags to set sail on Sunday, I covet your prayers for a vacation that is filled with joy as I take time away to refresh my mind, body, and soul. I pray that my son will be secure in knowing that God loves him and that the time will pass quickly for him without fear or sadness of his mommy being away.

Another Miracle Moment(s)!!

Once again, God never ceases to amaze me with His provision and care of my life. As I called around comparing prices for tires for my car today, I was a little surprised at the actual cost of the whole process of buying and installing four new tires. My dad had warned me, but with my couponing and bargaining ways, I hoped I could find a better deal than what he had estimated. Before Christmas, some friends of mine had sent me a gift card to Sears to use "as needed" or to use to buy gifts. Such a thoughtful and timely gift (esp. since they knew nothing about my tire needs). I held on to it and decided I would use it towards tires if I could get a good deal through Sears. Well, then when I got back from Texas, my parents gave me an anonymous gift card from someone for $100 more dollars! I was amazed at the generosity of these people in my life and starting to feel very confident that the tires were going to be purchased soon. THEN, today, I went out to my mailbox and there was a card with an anonymous $500 gift! AMAZING! I just stood at the mailbox and started to cry and laugh at the same time. This may sound a bit crazy because I know it was just someone who truly loves our Lord enough to give so generously, but one of the reasons I cried immediately was because there was a short sweet note inside and the handwriting looked JUST like Rich's. It said, "God's strength and love are evident in your life- you have brought Him much glory!" It was SO encouraging to me and gave me just what I needed to continue pressing on towards the finish line. God is SO faithful, SO loving, SO caring, SO just, SO patient, SO perfect and I am SO thankful I have a relationship with Him!!

Carrying on...

I am beginning to notice that time is starting to fly by again as it once did before in my life. There was a time when the onset of grief began that I wondered how I would ever make it to the next hour, let alone the next day. I suppose I should be thrilled that my life is returning to routine and filled with busy day-to-day activities, work, and play. On one hand, I AM so thankful that I can function this way again without grief consuming my every thought and moment. Yet, there is a part of me that feels almost sad or guilty to let it go. I never wanted grief to become my identity and I fought so hard against that, but there is a part of it that has forever changed me. I hope that it has softened me, made me more aware of others' needs and losses. I hope that God will continue to use my loss in my life to shape me and mold me into His perfect plan for my life. My prayer is that my suffering and tragedy in my life will forever keep me wholly dependent on my Lord. It is so easy to fall back into my self-sufficient ways, and yet, I know that without Him being a part of my every thought and action, I am nothing.

Just as my son is a thinker, I also find myself thinking. In fact, I sometimes wish I could stop thinking. I remember talking to Rich one time about what goes through his mind and the different ways that men and women think about things. He tended to pull out one drawer at a time and think about it and then shut that drawer and move on to another idea. Whereas I usually have at least three or four drawers open at a time thinking about several things and never being able to have a moment where the ideas are ever completely put away. I was completely dumbfounded at the idea that there were times that my husband could really be not thinking about anything at all. My mind is ALWAYS going and at times it can just be exhausting. Lately, I often find myself thinking about the future. I have often taken to heart the verse from II Cor. 10:5 about taking every thought captive. It seems like in every season of my life I have had something that seems to consume my thoughts. I find myself often struggling with worries about my future that I had in my early twenties. It is so strange to feel as if I have lived life and yet I am being transported back to that season of my life. Now I have a lot of life experiences such as college, marriage, career, parenting that I have already experienced and yet I am in some ways starting over. I am contemplating going back to college, possibly getting married again someday, having a new career, and yet all while still being a parent and so desperately missing what seemed to already be my "dream life". I find myself constantly struggling with the question of "what now?"

Yet, in some ways, God has made it SO very clear that I am to continue to embrace this season of my life. He has somehow miraculously provided a way for me to continue to be home with my precious son and invest in his life as well as take the time to learn, read, and grow in my knowledge of who HE is. What an incredible blessing it is to have this time. I pray that I do not waste a moment of it, but use it wisely to prepare for what could possibly be harder seasons ahead in my life. Learning to be content in every and all circumstances is still a daily battle, but there are definitely days that I am able to give that up to Him so much easier than others.

Ethan continues to make passing comments about daddy, but his emotions have lessened and the shock of hearing it has lessened for me as well. I do feel bad for every male friend I have in my life because he often brings it up first thing when he meets someone new. For example, the other day he met a friend of mine and I introduced them. Immediately Ethan said, "My daddy is not here anymore." My heart sank as I thought how hard it must be for Ethan to just not understand why all of these other kids seem to have a daddy and he does not. Thankfully, my friend (though a bit shocked) was quick to respond, "I know and I'm sorry, but it will be okay." as he immediately picked him up. Most of my friends are very sensitive to him about it all and, once again, I feel so blessed that God has surrounded me with Godly men that will be such a good example to Ethan as he grows.

As another Christmas passed, I was surprised how much easier it was to actually enjoy the Christmas season this year. The things that would have brought me to tears last year, often caused me to just sigh and even smile as I remembered special memories that I shared with my sweetheart. Some of the traditions I decided to carry on with family and even some with new friends. I also decided to begin some new ones and was surprised how much fun I really had this past month. One thing I had to let go, for now, was the Christmas letter. This was always something that Rich did and though I did it last year, I just knew it would take too much out of me emotionally. I planned to go ahead and send my update and pictures around Valentine's Day instead which removed some of the stress of time crunch and budgeting for it as well! Ethan and I enjoyed Christmas with my extended family here in Topeka and then took off for Texas Christmas day to enjoy five days in TX with the Heyroths. It was a very fun time and I was thankful that we were all able to be together. In the past I have come away from our time together and really struggled with almost a bout of depression each time. I was very thankful that this time I came home feeling refreshed and thankful for God's continual healing of my heart.

I was also, once again, overwhelmed at the incredible generosity and thoughtfulness of my dear, precious friends! I was basically showered with cards of encouragement and notes that people were praying for me this Christmas. Again, many people enclosed gift cards from Sonic to Starbucks and even the Christian bookstore. Another card was from a group of friends who are taking care of installing a new garage door. Being one that is not so good at accepting things or help from others, let's just say this past year and a half have been INCREDIBLY humbling! I have learned so much about what it means to be an encourager through these people in my life. I have learned what it means to give without expecting anything in return and what it truly means to be a part of the body of Christ. I feel like they are truly my family! I still get tears in my eyes as I think about how well I have been loved and cared for through it all. Though I could never repay everyone for what they have done for me, I know they will be richly rewarded someday and I can't wait to see them lay their crowns at Jesus' feet!

As I think about entering into a New year, my prayer is that I will continue to learn what it means to have "Perfect Trust" in my God. I read this just today, "True contentment is simply a matter of trust--trusting God despite our situation, and accepting and finding satisfaction in whatever He gives us." and I would take that one step further and just say finding satisfaction in just knowing Him and being perfectly loved by Him. He truly has a way (though I don't really understand it) of meeting all of my needs and doing it so much better than I could ever even if I tried! He alone is worthy of our worship and praise.

The journey continues...

It is hard to know where to start after being away from blogging for SO long. I stepped away for multiple reasons...mostly I just found myself caught up in the busyness of life and didn't feel I had the energy to catch up on one more thing. It was almost overwhelming to know where to begin as God continued to show and teach me things daily in my life. Yet, I also want so desperately for Ethan to see the progress and the way that God continues to work in our lives each step of the way. The other reason was that I had a bit of a "freak out" moment about sharing my heart so openly with the world. It can be hard to be vulnerable with others and yet God has continued to bring me back to verses about the importance of Christian fellowship and sharing your burdens and encouraging one another. Selfishly, I know people are praying for me and that God has used this blog to help others to know how to specifically pray for me and Ethan and, as much as my prideful self wants to do it on my own, I NEED others in my life to help me along the way! So, here I am again! :-)

Where do I begin?! This past month has been full of ups and downs. As I approach a second holiday season without Rich here by my side, I see that I am so much stronger in some ways, and yet, I have a new hurt that eats away at my heart daily as I go to battle against Satan's lies. I am experiencing so much joy in enjoying this season through the eyes of my two and a half year old. It is hard to not enjoy every moment when he is SO excited about every detail. As he looks around with his eyes wide and says, "Christmas everywhere!" it just makes me smile. He is also very excited about making a strawberry birthday cake for Jesus and was asking every day if it was Christmas yet. We made some advent rings and this has helped with containing a few of the never-ending questions. :-) Every day I still feel SO thankful that God blessed me with a child and that I have him by my side to go through this journey together. Most days, he teaches me probably more than I teach him. It is a blessing how God uses children in your life to strip you of your selfish ways and to teach one how to serve. Yet, along with his new love for questions comes so many hard ones to answer...

Lately he has been very obsessed with daddy. It just breaks my heart as he sees other kids with their daddy and then says, "I want a new daddy." The first time he said this, I just stood there with nothing to say until finally God prompted me to remind him that he DOES have a daddy--God--and that He is looking out for him and loves him very much. I am not sure how much that makes sense or if it is too abstract for his mind, but it IS truth and that is all I can give him at this point. He still will often talk about his daddy dying and going to heaven, but lately it has been more of a desire to just want one here and now. It hurts every time he brings it up, but I try to stay positive. He definitely has a need for men in his life. I am very thankful that he does have Godly men that can be around. He is quick to want to imitate their every move and I can see the importance of always choosing wisely whom I do let him spend time with because even at just two and a half, he is very easily influenced by the actions of those men in his life. He still loves his mommy, but that has also become a bit of an issue as he has begun to bring up the fact that his mommy may go to heaven too. Sometimes I wish he wasn't such a thinker. One day he was just sitting there with his hand on his chin and I asked him what he was doing. He said, "I'm thinking." I asked him what he was thinking about and he said, "how much I love my mommy" It was SO sweet! He really is a gift from God! :-)

This past month has been filled with moments like these as I learn how to process grief through the mind of a toddler. It has brought back to the surface some of my own feelings and questions that I thought I had already given up to God and laid at His feet. As Christmas approaches, I very much miss my family unit! I feel a very deep onset of loneliness that can not be filled with time with others, but only by my heavenly Father. As the cards with family pictures arrive, I struggle with wanting so much to have joy for my friends and their growing families. I find myself longing to want to expand my own family, and yet missing a very important person to make that happen. I found myself crying my way through adoption Sunday a couple of weeks ago as I looked at those kids and thought how desperately I would love to give them a home, but knowing I didn't have a complete family unit as it was. I remind myself that God IS faithful and that we may experience that again in our lives, but praying for complete contentment in the moment and where He has us now. There are days that I am SO thankful for where we are at and how FAR God has brought us. I also think sometimes that it would just be too complicated to add that other person in our lives. We are doing quite fine on our own (with the grace of God!).

I have to constantly fill my mind with truth or I am attacked with lies with Satan about my future. I also have learned that I must live day to day and though I have a rough draft written out for how I think my future may go, I realize that God is the editor and may take it in a completely different direction! For now, I am learning what it truly means to let God be my husband and a father to my son. When I let Him, He really DOES meet all of my needs. When I choose to trust Him completely and pour my heart out to Him, He fills my heart back up and allows me to see that ultimately He is the ONLY one that can meet my every need and that He is not going anywhere. I have a new theme verse for my life as I fight against the distractions of this world...my ultimate purpose is to know Him!!

"For my determined purpose is that I may know Him, that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly." Phil 3:10 (AV)

So, as I face another holiday season, my prayer is that I will let HIM fill my heart with joy and not try to use other people or things or events or parties to take His place. He is more than Enough to satisfy me!!

Enough
by Chris Tomlin

The Battle is NOT over, but I know who ultimately wins!

This past week has been a really really rough week. I have felt so attacked spiritually and have struggled with a lot of security issues and finding my confidence in Christ. "For the Lord will be your confidence, and will keep your foot from being caught." (Proverbs 3:26)

Ethan has continued to pursue the daily daddy questions. It is emotionally draining to go down that road again and again. Yet, it is also so right on with his age and development. Most two year olds are very curious and often ask the same question over and over again. They are such sponges at this age (one of the reasons it is one of my favorite ages). Yet, he just has a few different issues he is curious about and is too young to really understand the abstract. I try to keep the answers short and simple and just remind him often how MUCH God loves him. He was Curious George for Halloween (Actually he was just a monkey, but decided half way through the night that he was that specific monkey!) This is very appropriate for him and I have to laugh a bit when he starts to ask so many questions. I tell him he is SO curious and he quickly responds with, "I'm Curious Ethan, the monkey, mommy!"

We have had a few "shell-shocked" moments as I have started to label them in my own head. For example, we will be driving along and talking about the pretty leaves God made for us today. Then, all of a sudden, he will say, "My daddy went to heaven". I just sit there and have to gather my thoughts again. Often he has moved onto another subject before I have time to respond. But, sometimes he really wants to talk about it. The other day, he mentioned it again and I asked him how that made him feel. He said that he was happy because daddy was happy. That made my heart happy as well. Other days he is not so happy about it. I am trying hard to know when it is okay to talk about it, and when I need to make sure he is not using it or obsessing about it. For example, last Sunday he did NOT want to go to church because Daddy was not going to church. He threw a complete tantrum at the door yelling, "Daddy no go church...Ethan no church!" It was a rough morning and I felt more lonely that morning at church than I had in a long time. It didn't help that I had it so much on my mind. But then, I also hate being late. First there is the struggle of finding a place to park. Then, there is the battle of walking in to a service that has already started and trying to find a place to sit. Thankfully, my friend, Brande, was quick to offer me a seat with her family. God knew that I needed that as I was fighting the urge to start feeling sorry for myself when I walked into a church I have gone to my whole life and yet still felt so alone. Then, instead of searching for that right Sunday School class this week, I was on schedule to volunteer in the nursery. I actually looked forward to this and enjoyed reading to, playing with, and holding those precious little ones. After church, as the temptation set in, once again, to go face a lonely Sunday afternoon, my friends Susan and Michelle were quick to invite me to lunch. How can I question my God when he continues to meet all of my needs? With both of their husbands working for the weekend, they knew the struggle of doing it all and the weariness that can set in so quickly when you have to face one more mealtime and bed and bath routine all on your own. God reminded me again and again on Sunday that I am NOT alone and that, not only is HE there for me, but He surrounds me with others that are there for me as well. "He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength." (Isaiah 40:29)

As the week continued on, the daddy talk has become less. Yet, as I prepare for the weekend and the upcoming Tuesday when I am to share my story, my heart still fights the urge to become anxious. I Peter 5:7 keeps playing over and over in my head---"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you!" So I keep giving it back to Him again and again and again.

This weekend, I am going to a Singles' Retreat. Just the title of it all makes me cringe a bit. I don't know why I said I would go. I am not one that really likes to get myself into things when I don't know what to expect. Let's just say that I am a bit of a planner. I like to plan ahead and know what is coming. I used to joke with Rich that I enjoyed "planned spontaneity". I have learned SO much over the past year about letting go of control of my life and trusting God with the daily battles, and yet I still have the natural tendency to want to "feel" in control even though ultimately, I would MUCH rather trust God with my life than myself! Anyway, I originally signed up for the weekend thinking it would be a great opportunity to enjoy some adult time with other believers. AND, I realize that there is a new need in my life now, even more so than when I was married, to build friendships with other singles. It doesn't really work so well to always be the third wheel and I miss hanging out with groups of people and going to social events that are just couples only is not really an option anymore. So, onto learning a "new normal".

The other upcoming event that could really use some prayer is Expresso. This is a time when women at our church gather and share their personal stories of different ways God has worked in their lives. It is really great and encouraging to see how God continues to work in such individual and unique ways to meet us all right where we are at and take care of our needs. I am on the schedule to speak next Tuesday. I am looking forward to it and also really nervous about it at the same time. I just know that the enemy is trying to get a hold of me in this area and make me fearful of speaking in front of others as well as distract me and cause other things to get in the way of my planning. I so desperately want it to be all about God and not me. My prayer is that He will just shine through my testimony and that others will be encouraged by how BIG of a God we serve and to see that He truly cares about our every need! It is quite amazing really. I am just so in love with Him and so humbled by the way that He has held me so close even when I have been tempted to just run away from it all. I remember at one time thinking I would like to just move away where no one knew me and all about my circumstances and to "start over" with my life. Yet, without the people He has surrounded me with here, I am not sure I would have ever made it. He continues to bless me and encourage me with friendships. Just today I received flowers from a dear friend, to "brighten my day". It was almost like God was saying again, "You are loved!" :-)

So, yes, there will always be a battle going on in our lives. Yet, we can be confident to know how it is going to end! We are all going to face our own personal battles daily, but we are not alone. Thank you, Lord, for watching our every step. My flesh and my heart may fail, but YOU are the strength of my heart and my portion forever! (Pslam 73:26)

"For You are my lamp, O Lord; the Lord shall enlighten my darkness. For by You I can run against a troop; by my God I can leap over a wall. As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him." (2 Samuel 22:29)

"It is God who arms me with strength, and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of deer, and sets me on high places. He teaches my hands to make war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze ... I have pursued my enemies and overtaken them; neither did I turn back again till they were destroyed. I have wounded them, so that they were not able to rise; they have fallen under my feet. For You have armed me with strength for the battle; You have subdued under me those who rose up against me." (Psalm 18:32,37)

Ultimately, I am just AMAZED how patient God is with me to keep hanging on to me as I feel like I am relearning the same lesson over and over again. "Keep trusting me, my child." I often hear as I read His Word. Thank you, Lord, for never letting me go!

God has used music to very effectively reach my heart. This is one song that may be an older one, but the words still are SO true as I go to bed tonight in awe of His grace. It DOES still amaze me!

Your Grace Still Amazes Me
By Phillips, Craig, & Dean

Living without Daddy

As I begin this post, I am still sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I knew this day would come, but I didn't think so soon and I was hoping it wouldn't hurt SO badly. As a mother, there is nothing worse than seeing your child hurt and not being able to take away that pain. This has been a week of developing questions through the eyes of a two year old. One may think, how much can he really understand? Well, it appears more than I could ever imagine and in some ways, more than I could ever hope for.

Our bedtime routine usually consists of reading (a book of choice and a story from the Toddler Bible or other Bible story). We then pray together. I let Ethan choose some special person to pray for and then we pray for that person(s). This is usually a family member or a friend we just saw that day. Sometimes he also wants to pray for Bob or Larry (Veggie Tales). Lately, he has been becoming a bit of a pro at delaying the last tuck in and kiss goodnight. I have to admit, I am kind of a sucker for a sweet one-on-one conversation and so will often let him talk a bit about the day and we often talk about what we have to look forward to the next day.

Well, this week, he has been bringing up Daddy more and more. It started out with a sweet "I love my Mommy and I love my Daddy." one night. I just kind of let it go thinking that was sweet. The next night he said it again and followed it with, "Daddy go home." I wasn't sure if this was a question or a statement, so I said, "Yes...daddy went home.." and before I could finish he interrupted with, "to Jesus home" I was happy to see that he did not seem upset by it, but was stating what he understood. A few tears started to form in my eyes. I thought I would hold it together better, but I couldn't. I was partly sad because it made me miss his daddy and all he was missing out on by not having him here. Partly, they were tears of joy that my sweet boy knew that Jesus was with Daddy. He was immediately concerned that I was crying (so tenderhearted!) and so I tried to tell him I was just sad because I missed daddy, not because of anything he did. Then, he started to ask if daddy would come to mommy's house. I said that he couldn't because he was really hurt and so Jesus took him home to live with Him and that he was all better now and we could see him again someday. Not really sure if that was what I had been counseled to say, but in the moment, you just have to speak when a two year old is demanding answers. Well, the daddy talk has continued all week. Tonight, at supper, he was even making a "family" out of his grapes..."Daddy, Mommy, and Ethan" lining them all up with the little one being him, of course. :-) Then, tonight, I really lost it. As I was putting him to bed, he just said we had to pray for daddy to come to mommy's house. He stood up on his bed trying to reach the picture of his daddy and started yelling, "Daddy, Mommy and Ethan's house, NOW!" I tried so hard to not cry again, but how can you just watch your child wanting so badly for something you yourself want for them as well and not cry. He did not see me cry, but began literally sobbing himself as he continued to yell. I then, also, began to sob like a baby as I just held him and rocked him. He fell asleep tonight just crying in my arms. I don't even know how much he truly understands, but I do know he is experiencing some true emotions about it all. He is starting to notice that other kids have daddys and often talks about their daddys. I keep thinking, "He is only two and a half, how much can he really wrap his mind around?"

Yet, even in the midst of all of the pain, his little two-year old brain, understands one thing. It was almost as if God were reminding me tonight through Ethan's words (from earlier this week)...He said, "God loves daddy... loves Ethan and mommy too" Again I am reminded at what an amazing God we serve that He can reach even the heart of a two year old with his love.

I had to quickly turn my mind to His word and what His love is all about, because for a moment, I was feeling so unloved, so angry that God would allow this to happen to a sweet innocent boy. For me to lose my husband is terrible, heartbreaking, and so lonely at times, BUT for Ethan to lose his daddy just seems devastating and so unfair!! After I laid him down in his bed, I just laid my head down on his bed beside him with my hand on his heart and prayed for him. I knew it would be so tempting to just run away and even go cry myself to sleep, but instead, I decided I must face this God that had allowed this to happen. I MUST trust Him and remember that He is big enough to handle even this situation. I knew that He would not allow this to happen without a bigger purpose. I just prayed that He would make Ethan's heart so soft to His love and that Ethan would grow up with an amazing trust in God that even his mommy could not understand. I prayed that God would make him a man after His own heart and that he would not stray from Him, but that he would look to Him for all of his needs. I prayed that God would step it up in Ethan's life :-) and fill that void and just love Him in a way that would be more than enough to meet his needs. I also prayed that I would have the words to say and the emotional strength to go back through this all again. I have been told that when a child loses a parent, there are so many stages of grief that will just keep reappearing throughout life. I want to just take it all away for him. I know that, only with God's strength, are we going to get through this together!

After I left Ethan's room, I began to read. I was reminded that our human love has so many limitations. I am not perfect and so my love is not perfect for Ethan. But, God IS! "How completely satisfying to turn from our limitations to a God who has none."
~A.W. Tozer
The vastness of his love means that I can always count on his love. Humans will fail us even in their greatest attempts to love, but God never will! In fact, my mind isn't great enough to even grasp the fullness of God's love for me and my son. God loves me far more than I will ever know.

As I was taking some time to look for truth on God's love for me, these are a couple of verses I found that encouraged me. Even though there are still so many questions in my head and my future is still so unclear at times, I pray these verses will be true in my life. I know that God did not guarantee this life on earth would be easy, so I pray that even through the tough times, I would be faithful to glorify His name!

Psalm 86: 12-13
I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

Hosea 11:8
How can I abandon you? My heart will not let me do it! My love for you is too strong.
(Good News translation)

Jeremiah 31:3
I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.