God continues to overwhelm me with His faithfulness in my life. I stepped away from the blogging world to invest time and energy into my marriage- Yes! Marriage!- and my life as a mom. A year (almost to date) from my last blogging entry, I married an exceptional man, Eric. It has been just amazing to watch God continue to work and teach me so much through the journey of remarrying and integrating a new man into my life and my son's life. Due to Eric's love for the Lord and his trust through this process, I have grown in ways I couldn't have imagined. While we were dating, he said to me, "God designed us in a way to allow a LOT of love in our hearts and I would never expect you to stop loving Rich." I knew at that moment that I could marry this guy! He was right too! A piece of me will always love my first husband and there have still been moments of grief that have hit and will probably always hit me as I miss his presence in our lives. However, God has also shown me that it IS possible to love and to TRUST my heart again in a new marriage and with a new life. My love and understanding of marriage has grown in ways I didn't think possible. Eric has shown me the gift of living out adoption and loving a son that was not biologically his, and yet loves him as if he was his own flesh and blood. I have always had a heart and desire to adopt. Watching this process take place through my son's life was amazing. Eric came along at the perfect time in our lives. A time when Ethan was truly seeking and desiring a father figure. I had decided early on that I would never marry just for the purpose of Ethan having a dad, and yet it really has been a gift greater than I could have imagined! Because our children eventually leave us and we desire for them to become independent of their parents as they grow their own lives, I knew that my marriage must be based on my love for Christ and my spouse first. However, I would not marry just any guy. Eric is special and unique in that he always looked at Ethan and me as a package deal. He said Ethan was just a bonus. <3
Since our marriage, we have lived a bit of a roller coaster. We (Ethan and I) packed up and left our city (the only place, other than my college years, that I had EVER lived). We left the support of our amazing church family and my own parents to move to a new city hours away in a new state and crazy Husker fans! ;-) Eric was currently in grad school working on his masters in a field of study I didn't even really understand. It was basically electrical engineering, but he took it a step further with his research in the field of ellipsometry. (I will let YOU look that up yourself rather than try and explain it!) We redid the house he was currently living in trying to make it our own. I painted practically everything and we put in new flooring and updated a bathroom. My husband is VERY handy, but was also swamped with work outside of the home. Yet, nine months into our marriage (after he had completed his master's degree), a job was offered and we packed up everything and moved once again! Thankfully, Ethan is a pretty flexible kid and enjoys adventure. With the life God has given us, we have learned to view it as an "adventure" and are always working on developing that "Perfect Trust".
We moved an hour away to a small rural town that I like to call more of a village than a town. ;-) Having never lived in a small town my entire life, this was quite the challenge. Thankfully, God has continued to show His faithfulness even through my tears and selfish ways of trying to convince both God and my husband that this could not possibly be where He wanted us to settle in and live our lives. I was reminded time and time again through my reading of His Word, prayers, and journaling that I DID, after all, want to be a missionary at one time in my life and we are called to share Christ wherever we land, even if it felt like a foreign land. And, yes, THIS felt like a foreign land. I mean, what grocery store closes at 9:00 at night and is sometimes not open (for no apparent reason) and has produce that, at times, is just not acceptable for buying?! There was not even a Wal-Mart! Not that I am a big fan anyway. I was stripped of all I thought was important and decided that at least I could maybe find some good friends that loved the Lord. Well, this also proved challenging! I spent more nights than I care to admit, crying myself to sleep over my woe-is-me condition and the lack of Christ-loving followers to support me through this new place and new life. However, God continued to show me that HE WAS ENOUGH! We tried every church (putting all denominations aside) in town. Unfortunately, we just could not find a good fit. However, not going to church and just giving up was not acceptable. Not because we wanted to be legalistic about it, but because we knew we NEEDED it to grow in our faith, to fellowship with others, and to minister to others and if for no other reason than we felt like God calls us to be a part and involved in a church body! (Hebrews 10:25- "Not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.") So, we branched out beyond our community and landed for a year and half at a great church we could call home! Through the next year and half, we dove into the village we lived in and started living our lives as best we could in a way that would hopefully represent Christ! We both loved our church away from home, but eventually the driving and the fact that we weren't able to have extra time outside of our involvement there, led us to the decision to leave that church and get involved in a LOCAL church where God had landed us to live. This was another huge step of faith and yet God has completely shocked me with the blessings that have come in just the past couple of weeks of making this decision. So many of the people we have grown to love over the years suddenly began opening up their hearts and homes to us!
This last year, I stepped out and opened our home to women in the community (all from different churches or some not churched at all). I invited them to come to a Bible Study. In this year, I was surprised at the number of women (those who knew Christ personally and many seekers) who came into our home to learn, grow, and maybe a few shake their heads and walk away at this radical woman who had moved into their community. It was a hard year because I didn't see much fruit and I selfishly did it to hopefully find some women that would be able to walk beside me and grow and encourage me as I encouraged them. God used it more for me to trust Him as I watched Him work in the lives of many seeking. He wanted me to continue to just trust HIM for my fellowship. My sweet and very patient husband got to hear probably more words than he cared to about my needs and desires for deeper female companionship. However, once again, in HIS timing He has brought a multitude of women into my life in the last couple of months that have really met me where I am at and been an amazing gift to me as we strive to seek Him first in our lives. I'm no longer the only crazy radical in this village that truly wants to live my life in a way that is not of this world. I am still growing these new found friendships but am thanking God daily for the gift of women that know HIM in my life!! I have also learned that new friendships just take time. We live in a world that TRUST is such a hard thing for so many because there are so many hurts and walls to break down first. I guess that due to the life and hurts God has allowed me to go through, I have learned that life is too short for walls. My life is pretty much an open book! For some, they think that is scary or unwise, but I have seen God use my life by being willing to share the good and the not so pretty. Obviously, I don't share EVERY detail of my life because (let's be honest) no one really cares to know it ALL! But I will press on and share the pieces (and often the hurts) that God has used to mold and make me into a woman that is hopefully becoming more of a reflection of HIM. This will be a lifelong journey. Learning to have that PERFECT TRUST along the way is part of the adventure of knowing Him.
Psalm 9:10- "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." NEVER...He never has and He never will! So very thankful!!
Next blog, I will share more about another area of trust God is teaching us as we step forward in the journey of foster care!
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."~ James 1:27
Friday, September 12, 2014
The end of the napkins...
Written in May 2011...
I can't believe how much time has passed since I have written on this blog and how much has happened in my life! God is continuing to teach and grow me closer to Him in so many ways! The thing that inspired and reminded me to write today is the fact that I just recently used up the supply of napkins that was so lovingly given to my son and I the days, weeks, and months following my husband's death. We had SO many people pour into our lives through words, time, cards, food, house repairs, household items, and even napkins! :-) In fact, it kind of became a joke as I looked in my garage at the crazy amount of napkins and paper plates that people had brought to me. Yet, God used them as a CONSTANT reminder of how He WILL supply ALL of my needs. Here it is over FOUR years later and I just used up the end of my supply about a month ago. This shows how generous everyone was to meet our material needs. It was because of these practical gifts (everything from dish soap to napkins to toilet paper, etc) that I was able to concentrate my time and effort into healing, loving on my son, and seeking God with my WHOLE heart in a time of such immense grief and shock and pain. I know so many people dive into work to get through grief, but this was not my journey. I feel SO incredibly blessed to have had the extra time and energy to face it head on daily. It wasn't always easy (and trust me, there were days I wanted to just run away from it all- even the people that were so lovingly checking in on me).
I will never be the same person because of this journey God has allowed me to go through. He has taught me I am NEVER alone, He is my very best friend, He truly WILL meet all of our needs, and His plan for our lives is always best even if we don't understand it in this lifetime. Getting married and especially having children truly teach you that life is about so much more than YOU, but it is when life doesn't go the way WE think it should that we learn that it is really not about us at all! Our purpose on this earth is to bring our God glory and to bring others to know Him. There is nothing that brings more joy because our true source of joy and happiness comes from HIM!
Since I last posted, there have been so many changes in my life! I just got married to an incredible man that I love so deeply in May. This has come with its joys and challenges (as every marriage does). I have learned that there are sometimes new things that can trigger my grief. Although the waves are a lot less frequent and less intense, I know that realistically, I will always miss Rich and have learned to just be very grateful for the part he played in my life and the years we had together. To be continued...
I will never be the same person because of this journey God has allowed me to go through. He has taught me I am NEVER alone, He is my very best friend, He truly WILL meet all of our needs, and His plan for our lives is always best even if we don't understand it in this lifetime. Getting married and especially having children truly teach you that life is about so much more than YOU, but it is when life doesn't go the way WE think it should that we learn that it is really not about us at all! Our purpose on this earth is to bring our God glory and to bring others to know Him. There is nothing that brings more joy because our true source of joy and happiness comes from HIM!
Since I last posted, there have been so many changes in my life! I just got married to an incredible man that I love so deeply in May. This has come with its joys and challenges (as every marriage does). I have learned that there are sometimes new things that can trigger my grief. Although the waves are a lot less frequent and less intense, I know that realistically, I will always miss Rich and have learned to just be very grateful for the part he played in my life and the years we had together. To be continued...
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Trusting God with my heart...
Ok, I am SO behind and that makes it kind of overwhelming to know where to even start. So, just going to touch on some highlights of ways God has continued to teach me SO much about his character over the past couple of months and also continued to teach me to just TRUST Him every step of the way.
One big step of faith in my life lately was when I got a call from the pastor of our church asking me to speak and share "my story" on Easter Sunday of all Sundays. Whew...this was slightly overwhelming and kind of hard because I thought I had made it perfectly clear to God that I had been obedient with speaking already. ;-) Lets just say it is NOT my favorite thing to do and yet even on the night of the accident, I remember thinking, "God is going to have me share about Him through this and probably ask me to speak in front of crowds of people." I have been amazed at the grace He has granted me by giving me the words, the calmness, and the peace to get through it each time. Starting with the high school bachelorette and then onto Expresso at our church and other small engagements...it DID continue to get easier. I had to learn different approaches for reaching and connecting with different groups of people, but the emotional experience of reliving the whole experience became easier each time and EVERY time I was amazed at how God would work and the connections He let me make with others to share more about Him. Ultimately, I just want others to know Him and be free to live in the knowledge and joy that comes from knowing Him!! So, in a way, I knew right away that my answer would be YES, I will come and speak at church on Easter Sunday. Once again, I was blown away by the way God used little me and was gracious enough to even reveal to me some of the fruit that came from my talk. I was approached after church by a guy I went to grade school with who was just visiting with his family and is now regularly attending our church! I also had people tell me story after story of family that had been in town that visited and the perfect timing of them hearing how God worked through my life due to a loss or tragedy in their own lives. I was reminded again to always always be open to whatever it may be that God is calling us today even if it means putting our pride and fears aside and doing things that are out of our comfort zone!
And then, AGAIN, I was asked to speak. Seriously, I have pretty much just given up trying to talk my way out of this area with God. :-) I've surrendered to whatever you want...just use me! A mom of one of the soccer players at Shawnee Heights High School called me up and asked if I would be willing to come to their end of the year banquet and share some "encouraging words". This would have been the last group of girls that Rich had coached to graduate. They were his "Freshman girls" group and he really enjoyed this part of his job to the fullest. Coaching gave him an opportunity to let go of as much of a classroom authoritative position and just joke around (much more his style) and show the love of Christ in a fatherly kind of way. He was such a natural at this and those girls just loved him!! So, I called this woman back and asked if I could share my faith...I told her that it would probably come up regardless because it was just a huge part of who I was and who Rich had been. She called the coach up and he emailed back and said I had 15-20 minutes to share as much and as openly as I wished! I was very excited about this!! For the first time, I was not even nervous (until right before-ha!) My talk came together so easily and when I began speaking, I was again at complete peace and I pray that seeds were planted that night!!
Well, another area of my life that has been way out of my comfort zone has been the area of dating. I have had such mixed feelings about it for such a long time. Wanting to move forward. Trying to go out on dates, and not enjoying them or just finding myself frustrated with the whole process and doubting that there could possibly be two people in this world that God would have for me...almost feeling selfish for thinking I deserved another good man. And then there were issues I had to deal with such as there being a lack of maturity or guys that wanted to date me but wanted nothing to do with Ethan (um, yeah, he is a BIG part of ME) and just general frustration that I was even back in the place of dating again at all! This was NOT something I ever planned to do again and to be quite frank, was quite happy to be married and close the chapter on that area of my life! I spent the last couple of years pouring over God's word and prayer about this issue. I knew that I still longed to have another companion in my life and would love to continue to grow my family, but prayed that God would always make me content with right where I was in each moment! And I was and I still am! So...funny story :-)
I have a couple of friends that continued to ask me about this area of my life and one friend in particular that sent me a link to an article all about the success of eHarmony. (Thanks, Jen ;-) We had a few chats and joked about it and how I thought it was just ridiculous and no one ever really finds a mate that way...although she did not agree with me. Then, another friend and I met for a playdate with our boys one day and she also brought up eHarmony. I had several other people mention it in passing, but left her house thinking...well why not?! I am always up for a challenge, and with my skeptical thinking about eHarmony went into the process thinking, "I'm going to prove to everyone that THIS does not work and then when asked again I can tell them I had already tried that route." I DID pray over it often and asked that God would just use the process for an opportunity to teach me some things about myself and if nothing else, maybe I would get a couple of dates out of the deal which would reimburse me for my monthly payment of $20. (oh yeah, only agreed to sign up during the special rate time too-haha) ;-) So, I began daily going through matches and started to feel like it was really too much work. After almost a month, I was about to just click on the close matches button when this certain guy came up. I'm really not sure why, but something about him kind of intrigued me. So, I went ahead and started the "process" of going through the form written questions with him. Right away he just seemed different and I was especially impressed as soon as we started communicating by email. However, I was still quite skeptical and daily journaling and basically telling God that it wouldn't work anyway because he didn't fit into my three year nursing school plan. Well, I should know better than to go down that road...I know that I may plan my course but God WILL direct my steps if I really seek Him with all my heart! I began writing things like, "well, God I just don't know if he has ____ trait or ____ trait or has experience with ____." God began to specifically answer my prayers EVERY time the next time we would talk on the phone. This guy, Eric, would bring up the topic that I had been discussing with God the night before. I finally decided to let go and stop guarding my heart and let GOD take control of my heart. We continued to get to know each other from a distance for about two months before we finally met face to face. He was even better in person than through writing and on the phone. :-) I was so impressed with how easily we were able to communicate and really enjoyed our time together. So, here I am continuing to get to know him and we are both excited about the possibilities of the future, but also continuing to give it up to God in prayer. I still believe God had a lot more to do with our meeting than eHarmony, but will have to say my friends were at least partly right. ;-) He is a great guy with a heart that loves the Lord and has the maturity to truly understand me and where I am coming from and not only respects, but also loves the mommy in me. I could go on and on about him, but will keep all the gushing for a later date. :-) Please pray with us as we continue to seek God first in our relationship and the direction that He desires for our lives! THANKS!
One big step of faith in my life lately was when I got a call from the pastor of our church asking me to speak and share "my story" on Easter Sunday of all Sundays. Whew...this was slightly overwhelming and kind of hard because I thought I had made it perfectly clear to God that I had been obedient with speaking already. ;-) Lets just say it is NOT my favorite thing to do and yet even on the night of the accident, I remember thinking, "God is going to have me share about Him through this and probably ask me to speak in front of crowds of people." I have been amazed at the grace He has granted me by giving me the words, the calmness, and the peace to get through it each time. Starting with the high school bachelorette and then onto Expresso at our church and other small engagements...it DID continue to get easier. I had to learn different approaches for reaching and connecting with different groups of people, but the emotional experience of reliving the whole experience became easier each time and EVERY time I was amazed at how God would work and the connections He let me make with others to share more about Him. Ultimately, I just want others to know Him and be free to live in the knowledge and joy that comes from knowing Him!! So, in a way, I knew right away that my answer would be YES, I will come and speak at church on Easter Sunday. Once again, I was blown away by the way God used little me and was gracious enough to even reveal to me some of the fruit that came from my talk. I was approached after church by a guy I went to grade school with who was just visiting with his family and is now regularly attending our church! I also had people tell me story after story of family that had been in town that visited and the perfect timing of them hearing how God worked through my life due to a loss or tragedy in their own lives. I was reminded again to always always be open to whatever it may be that God is calling us today even if it means putting our pride and fears aside and doing things that are out of our comfort zone!
And then, AGAIN, I was asked to speak. Seriously, I have pretty much just given up trying to talk my way out of this area with God. :-) I've surrendered to whatever you want...just use me! A mom of one of the soccer players at Shawnee Heights High School called me up and asked if I would be willing to come to their end of the year banquet and share some "encouraging words". This would have been the last group of girls that Rich had coached to graduate. They were his "Freshman girls" group and he really enjoyed this part of his job to the fullest. Coaching gave him an opportunity to let go of as much of a classroom authoritative position and just joke around (much more his style) and show the love of Christ in a fatherly kind of way. He was such a natural at this and those girls just loved him!! So, I called this woman back and asked if I could share my faith...I told her that it would probably come up regardless because it was just a huge part of who I was and who Rich had been. She called the coach up and he emailed back and said I had 15-20 minutes to share as much and as openly as I wished! I was very excited about this!! For the first time, I was not even nervous (until right before-ha!) My talk came together so easily and when I began speaking, I was again at complete peace and I pray that seeds were planted that night!!
Well, another area of my life that has been way out of my comfort zone has been the area of dating. I have had such mixed feelings about it for such a long time. Wanting to move forward. Trying to go out on dates, and not enjoying them or just finding myself frustrated with the whole process and doubting that there could possibly be two people in this world that God would have for me...almost feeling selfish for thinking I deserved another good man. And then there were issues I had to deal with such as there being a lack of maturity or guys that wanted to date me but wanted nothing to do with Ethan (um, yeah, he is a BIG part of ME) and just general frustration that I was even back in the place of dating again at all! This was NOT something I ever planned to do again and to be quite frank, was quite happy to be married and close the chapter on that area of my life! I spent the last couple of years pouring over God's word and prayer about this issue. I knew that I still longed to have another companion in my life and would love to continue to grow my family, but prayed that God would always make me content with right where I was in each moment! And I was and I still am! So...funny story :-)
I have a couple of friends that continued to ask me about this area of my life and one friend in particular that sent me a link to an article all about the success of eHarmony. (Thanks, Jen ;-) We had a few chats and joked about it and how I thought it was just ridiculous and no one ever really finds a mate that way...although she did not agree with me. Then, another friend and I met for a playdate with our boys one day and she also brought up eHarmony. I had several other people mention it in passing, but left her house thinking...well why not?! I am always up for a challenge, and with my skeptical thinking about eHarmony went into the process thinking, "I'm going to prove to everyone that THIS does not work and then when asked again I can tell them I had already tried that route." I DID pray over it often and asked that God would just use the process for an opportunity to teach me some things about myself and if nothing else, maybe I would get a couple of dates out of the deal which would reimburse me for my monthly payment of $20. (oh yeah, only agreed to sign up during the special rate time too-haha) ;-) So, I began daily going through matches and started to feel like it was really too much work. After almost a month, I was about to just click on the close matches button when this certain guy came up. I'm really not sure why, but something about him kind of intrigued me. So, I went ahead and started the "process" of going through the form written questions with him. Right away he just seemed different and I was especially impressed as soon as we started communicating by email. However, I was still quite skeptical and daily journaling and basically telling God that it wouldn't work anyway because he didn't fit into my three year nursing school plan. Well, I should know better than to go down that road...I know that I may plan my course but God WILL direct my steps if I really seek Him with all my heart! I began writing things like, "well, God I just don't know if he has ____ trait or ____ trait or has experience with ____." God began to specifically answer my prayers EVERY time the next time we would talk on the phone. This guy, Eric, would bring up the topic that I had been discussing with God the night before. I finally decided to let go and stop guarding my heart and let GOD take control of my heart. We continued to get to know each other from a distance for about two months before we finally met face to face. He was even better in person than through writing and on the phone. :-) I was so impressed with how easily we were able to communicate and really enjoyed our time together. So, here I am continuing to get to know him and we are both excited about the possibilities of the future, but also continuing to give it up to God in prayer. I still believe God had a lot more to do with our meeting than eHarmony, but will have to say my friends were at least partly right. ;-) He is a great guy with a heart that loves the Lord and has the maturity to truly understand me and where I am coming from and not only respects, but also loves the mommy in me. I could go on and on about him, but will keep all the gushing for a later date. :-) Please pray with us as we continue to seek God first in our relationship and the direction that He desires for our lives! THANKS!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Breakfast Song...
I don't know if I have shared about this or not. Considering I have been blogging now about my experiences for a couple years and don't really take time to go back and read what I wrote, this may be some repeat info. But, had to write it down so that I can be sure to have the memories recorded.
Shortly after Rich died, my father gave me a CD of the songs I had chosen to be played at the Memorial services. It is all kind of a blur, but I remember sitting down with Ed Sanderson and my father (on separate occasions) to go over music for the memorial services. I was so overwhelmed by all of the decisions that had to be made in such a short time and was still trying to soak in the fact that my best friend, my husband, the father of my baby was really dead and not coming home. Rich was such a talented musician and absolutely loved music. There was rarely a quiet moment in our house between songs from our iTunes to the radio to him strumming away on the guitar. To be honest, that is one of the things I miss most to this day. Having him come home from work and pick up his guitar and just start playing while I made dinner. It was his way of unwinding from the day and such a pick-me-up for me. It gave him time to come home and have "quiet" time without me bombarding him with words that I needed to use up to get in my daily allowance. :-) Yet, I felt so close to him without even talking and he would often ask me to sing while he played. Oh how I loved that! But, anyway, I was remembering being a bit overwhelmed by the thought of picking the "perfect" songs for the service because I knew there were just SO many that Rich had loved. But, thankfully, God cleared my head and helped me remember some that Rich had specifically mentioned were favorites and even had often enjoyed singing with me and his siblings. One in particular was "There's a Stirring" by Annie Hearing, I believe, but we always sang the Caedmon's Call arrangement. This song was performed at the services by a group of guys, many of whom Rich had been involved in their lives. It was really well done. Other songs that Rich had even mentioned that he would someday want played at his funeral were "It is Well" and I specifically remembered that the first time he heard "Blessed Be Your Name" how much he had loved this song. Every time after we would sing it at church he would have a comment about how much he liked that song and how he wanted it to be true of his life. So, that one immediately stuck out in my head as one we should sing. To this day, every time I hear it, I am encouraged to remember that God's ways are perfect and how we should sing praise to Him in the good and the bad times.
One of the hardest parts of readjusting to life without Rich has been missing his presence. For those people that knew him well, they know that he was such a fun person to be around. He was such an encourager! I tried to not find my significance in Him, but since he has been gone, it has been a real struggle to not hear "I love you" every day and wake up to "Good morning, beautiful!" and have someone there to say goodnight to and pray with, and the list goes on and on. I often use music as a filler in my life to fill the silence. For those of you who know me well, I also am quite the talker and enjoy a good conversation pretty much at all or any time of day or night. :-) So, let's just say, as a result, my child has learned to be quite verbal from a very young age. I would continue to have conversations each morning with my 14 month old talking about the plans for our day just as I would have had with Rich. Now, at the age of three, I often hear my son saying to me or others, "So, how was your day?!" or just about anything to start a conversation. I have also been greatly blessed that he has a carbon image of his daddy's heart. He often tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. I think that God uses him in my life to sometimes even speak directly to me. I am truly blessed to have a son with such a sweet and sensitive heart.
One of the times of day that was most difficult was breakfast time. It was the start of our day and even though I had usually already been awake for a bit and usually already had one round of tears and time on my knees with God by then, I felt like I had to be strong because Ethan was with me with a big smile on his face ready to do one of his favorite things...eat! :-) I knew that it would be hard to not have Rich there day after day seeing him off to work and watching him reluctantly leave his new son whom he loved SOOO much! I remember feeling overwhelmed as I would look at this baby in front of me and think I have to raise this little thing to become a man. What do I even know about men?! I remember practically having a panic attack one morning because I realized that even though I liked to watch basketball, I really didn't know the rules or understand enough to explain it all to Ethan. (football I was ok, but not basketball!) I know it seems crazy, but grief will put you over the edge about silly little things. I just felt so overwhelmed by how I was going to do this on my own. (Side note: Since then, I have not only learned a lot more about basketball :-) but I also have seen God graciously pour into our lives and show me that I am NOT really raising Ethan alone at all!) Anyway, I decided that I must fill our morning silence and began turning on the radio each morning as soon as I stepped into the kitchen.
I would always tune into K-Love because they were supposed to be "encouraging, more music, KLove!" Now, I DO love this station, but have always had a bit of complaint about the ridiculous repetition on songs they play. However, in this case, it was used in our favor. Almost every morning at the time we would sit down for breakfast, "Blessed Be Your Name" would come on. I would often sing along and thank God for the reminder that He truly had not changed and that I could continue to bless His name for who He was and trust that He would take care of us and that He WAS worthy of praise. Ethan learned this song at a very young age because he heard it SO often. In fact, as soon as he was verbal enough, HE started calling it our breakfast song. We were just driving along in the car and it came on and he said, "Hey! That's our breakfast song!" (This was almost a year later) And, in fact, just yesterday...it came on the radio and he said, "They still play our breakfast song!" He also loves it and starts singing along as loud as he can. So, in our house, "Blessed Be Your Name" will always be our "Breakfast Song" just like Ethan so perfectly titled it. It will always be a great reminder to us that we can continue to pour out our praise in the good and bad and that even though our circumstances may change, God NEVER does!
BLESSED BE YOUR NAME
Job 1:20-22
20 Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshiped, 21 And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. 22 In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly.
Shortly after Rich died, my father gave me a CD of the songs I had chosen to be played at the Memorial services. It is all kind of a blur, but I remember sitting down with Ed Sanderson and my father (on separate occasions) to go over music for the memorial services. I was so overwhelmed by all of the decisions that had to be made in such a short time and was still trying to soak in the fact that my best friend, my husband, the father of my baby was really dead and not coming home. Rich was such a talented musician and absolutely loved music. There was rarely a quiet moment in our house between songs from our iTunes to the radio to him strumming away on the guitar. To be honest, that is one of the things I miss most to this day. Having him come home from work and pick up his guitar and just start playing while I made dinner. It was his way of unwinding from the day and such a pick-me-up for me. It gave him time to come home and have "quiet" time without me bombarding him with words that I needed to use up to get in my daily allowance. :-) Yet, I felt so close to him without even talking and he would often ask me to sing while he played. Oh how I loved that! But, anyway, I was remembering being a bit overwhelmed by the thought of picking the "perfect" songs for the service because I knew there were just SO many that Rich had loved. But, thankfully, God cleared my head and helped me remember some that Rich had specifically mentioned were favorites and even had often enjoyed singing with me and his siblings. One in particular was "There's a Stirring" by Annie Hearing, I believe, but we always sang the Caedmon's Call arrangement. This song was performed at the services by a group of guys, many of whom Rich had been involved in their lives. It was really well done. Other songs that Rich had even mentioned that he would someday want played at his funeral were "It is Well" and I specifically remembered that the first time he heard "Blessed Be Your Name" how much he had loved this song. Every time after we would sing it at church he would have a comment about how much he liked that song and how he wanted it to be true of his life. So, that one immediately stuck out in my head as one we should sing. To this day, every time I hear it, I am encouraged to remember that God's ways are perfect and how we should sing praise to Him in the good and the bad times.
One of the hardest parts of readjusting to life without Rich has been missing his presence. For those people that knew him well, they know that he was such a fun person to be around. He was such an encourager! I tried to not find my significance in Him, but since he has been gone, it has been a real struggle to not hear "I love you" every day and wake up to "Good morning, beautiful!" and have someone there to say goodnight to and pray with, and the list goes on and on. I often use music as a filler in my life to fill the silence. For those of you who know me well, I also am quite the talker and enjoy a good conversation pretty much at all or any time of day or night. :-) So, let's just say, as a result, my child has learned to be quite verbal from a very young age. I would continue to have conversations each morning with my 14 month old talking about the plans for our day just as I would have had with Rich. Now, at the age of three, I often hear my son saying to me or others, "So, how was your day?!" or just about anything to start a conversation. I have also been greatly blessed that he has a carbon image of his daddy's heart. He often tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. I think that God uses him in my life to sometimes even speak directly to me. I am truly blessed to have a son with such a sweet and sensitive heart.
One of the times of day that was most difficult was breakfast time. It was the start of our day and even though I had usually already been awake for a bit and usually already had one round of tears and time on my knees with God by then, I felt like I had to be strong because Ethan was with me with a big smile on his face ready to do one of his favorite things...eat! :-) I knew that it would be hard to not have Rich there day after day seeing him off to work and watching him reluctantly leave his new son whom he loved SOOO much! I remember feeling overwhelmed as I would look at this baby in front of me and think I have to raise this little thing to become a man. What do I even know about men?! I remember practically having a panic attack one morning because I realized that even though I liked to watch basketball, I really didn't know the rules or understand enough to explain it all to Ethan. (football I was ok, but not basketball!) I know it seems crazy, but grief will put you over the edge about silly little things. I just felt so overwhelmed by how I was going to do this on my own. (Side note: Since then, I have not only learned a lot more about basketball :-) but I also have seen God graciously pour into our lives and show me that I am NOT really raising Ethan alone at all!) Anyway, I decided that I must fill our morning silence and began turning on the radio each morning as soon as I stepped into the kitchen.
I would always tune into K-Love because they were supposed to be "encouraging, more music, KLove!" Now, I DO love this station, but have always had a bit of complaint about the ridiculous repetition on songs they play. However, in this case, it was used in our favor. Almost every morning at the time we would sit down for breakfast, "Blessed Be Your Name" would come on. I would often sing along and thank God for the reminder that He truly had not changed and that I could continue to bless His name for who He was and trust that He would take care of us and that He WAS worthy of praise. Ethan learned this song at a very young age because he heard it SO often. In fact, as soon as he was verbal enough, HE started calling it our breakfast song. We were just driving along in the car and it came on and he said, "Hey! That's our breakfast song!" (This was almost a year later) And, in fact, just yesterday...it came on the radio and he said, "They still play our breakfast song!" He also loves it and starts singing along as loud as he can. So, in our house, "Blessed Be Your Name" will always be our "Breakfast Song" just like Ethan so perfectly titled it. It will always be a great reminder to us that we can continue to pour out our praise in the good and bad and that even though our circumstances may change, God NEVER does!
BLESSED BE YOUR NAME
Job 1:20-22
20 Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshiped, 21 And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. 22 In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
God's little reminders...
I'm SO happy we are finally on our way out of a very long winter. I am one of those people that is hugely affected by the amount of vitamin D in my life and has a great need for fresh air! Overall, this winter has been pretty good because at least we got a lot of snow which allowed for lots of outdoor play with distraction from the miserable cold! :-) Thanks to my gym membership I have been able to keep up with releasing the endorphins which also contributes to putting a smile of my face! But, most of all, I have SEEN and felt God work in ways in my life that have been so healing. I have new struggles, some I never thought I would face, but I can also see God using those to mold and shape me and teach me that life is NOT about me and that I am NOT as strong as I may think I am and that I can NOT do this thing called life alone! I must seek Him first and others for accountability and encouragement. Oh to ask for help...ugh! My all-time least favorite thing to do, but am also learning to put my pride aside from time to time and have been SO blessed by the response of my family and dear friends who seem to actually enjoy helping me! ;-) Love how God has surrounded me with people that I look forward to spending eternity with someday!!
Yet, there ARE still times when I am so caught off-guard by how the pain of my loss, my partner, and a real piece of me is SO great and still such a thorn in my side. As I sat at church on Sunday, I listened to our guest speaker talk about Holy Homes and the importance of the roll of a father/husband and I found myself actually getting up to leave as the tears started to fill my eyes. The last thing I wanted to do was start crying right there in church when here I am approaching the 3rd summer anniversary. Three years and I am STILL a mess. What would everyone think?! I know I shouldn't care what everyone else thinks, but it made me think that I must be doing something wrong. Am I just not trusting God enough?! I so want to move forward with my life. I WANT to be married again. There I said it. I have even started praying for God to bring someone into my (our) life. But I am faced with so many doubts. Who would want to marry a widow? I am beginning to make friends with so many new amazing beautiful young single women. Why would someone choose a widow AND someone who has a child (more responsibility) when you could start your life "fresh". I know these are lies, but they are played over and over in my head. So, then I go to the other extreme and just say, "I want to be single for the rest of my life!" Oh the battle of learning to be content RIGHT where God has me here and now! And, honestly, I still miss Rich. Just writing those words bring tears to my eyes. How can one person really deserve to be loved so well TWICE in this lifetime? I miss feeling like we have a "complete" family unit. I have a love/hate relationship with FB because I can hardly look at people's pictures anymore. It just makes me long for something I don't have. I would say I am basically content on a day to day basis until some marriage conference or family event rolls around and smacks me in the face with a big reminder that I don't belong in that category anymore.
Sooooo...what I am saying is that although I HAVE seen God do so so so SO much in my life and has brought (and will continue to bring me!) so far, I do still have a few struggles that I must turn over to Him again and again. I don't want to be consumed by these thoughts. I want to be consumed with Him! "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail." ~Lamentations 3:22
Today as I went for a run (OUTSIDE!!) I put on my iPod and tuned into all of the great worship songs that would fill my mind with truth. As I finished and was stretching, I was just telling God how much I needed Him to remind me that He loved me and that I was not alone in this journey. As I leaned over to stretch, there under the picnic table was a rock shaped just like a heart! I know this probably sounds cheesy, but it was JUST what I needed and I don't think it was any coincidence at all! Then I just continued to have Psalm 18 go through my mind over and over again. I love all of the Psalms, but had no idea at this moment what Psalm 18 even said! So, I went home and read it and was SO encouraged by what I read....
First of all, in my Bible this chapter was titled in bold writing "The Lord is my Rock and my Fortress" I couldn't help but smile as I knew I was about to read some great truth! I got pretty excited and went to get a pen to take some notes! I knew this was going to be good! :-)
If you haven't read it, I recommend it! It begins with David praising God and expressing His love for our Lord! As I researched this part a bit, I discovered that the word for love David uses in this passage means to "yearn for"...a very deep emotional and spiritual connection he is experiencing with God. In fact, the literal Hebrew translation means "to fondle" which implies he is wrapping his arms around God. Giving Him a big hug! I long for that kind of love with God one that I can confidently say I have my arms and heart wrapped around Him and He is hugging me right back! He continues with saying God is "MY rock, MY fortress, MY deliverer, MY God, MY rock, (in whom I take refuge), MY shield, the horn of MY salvation, MY stronghold" God is definitely serving as a helper and a HUGE part of his life! God is the place we must turn for strength and protection for every trial and decision of our lives!! It continues describing God's deliverance in times of trouble! Then David continues to tell why God chooses to deliver...because he delights in us and because he rewards righteousness. The verse from Zephaniah 3:17 popped into my head right away as I read this...
"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
AND, He chose to deliver David because he kept the ways of the Lord...this encouraged my heart to stay true to Him and to just keep on keeping on. :-) Each day is such a blessing to be live for HIM...just sometimes need that reminder!
Oh How He Loves Us!!
Yet, there ARE still times when I am so caught off-guard by how the pain of my loss, my partner, and a real piece of me is SO great and still such a thorn in my side. As I sat at church on Sunday, I listened to our guest speaker talk about Holy Homes and the importance of the roll of a father/husband and I found myself actually getting up to leave as the tears started to fill my eyes. The last thing I wanted to do was start crying right there in church when here I am approaching the 3rd summer anniversary. Three years and I am STILL a mess. What would everyone think?! I know I shouldn't care what everyone else thinks, but it made me think that I must be doing something wrong. Am I just not trusting God enough?! I so want to move forward with my life. I WANT to be married again. There I said it. I have even started praying for God to bring someone into my (our) life. But I am faced with so many doubts. Who would want to marry a widow? I am beginning to make friends with so many new amazing beautiful young single women. Why would someone choose a widow AND someone who has a child (more responsibility) when you could start your life "fresh". I know these are lies, but they are played over and over in my head. So, then I go to the other extreme and just say, "I want to be single for the rest of my life!" Oh the battle of learning to be content RIGHT where God has me here and now! And, honestly, I still miss Rich. Just writing those words bring tears to my eyes. How can one person really deserve to be loved so well TWICE in this lifetime? I miss feeling like we have a "complete" family unit. I have a love/hate relationship with FB because I can hardly look at people's pictures anymore. It just makes me long for something I don't have. I would say I am basically content on a day to day basis until some marriage conference or family event rolls around and smacks me in the face with a big reminder that I don't belong in that category anymore.
Sooooo...what I am saying is that although I HAVE seen God do so so so SO much in my life and has brought (and will continue to bring me!) so far, I do still have a few struggles that I must turn over to Him again and again. I don't want to be consumed by these thoughts. I want to be consumed with Him! "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail." ~Lamentations 3:22
Today as I went for a run (OUTSIDE!!) I put on my iPod and tuned into all of the great worship songs that would fill my mind with truth. As I finished and was stretching, I was just telling God how much I needed Him to remind me that He loved me and that I was not alone in this journey. As I leaned over to stretch, there under the picnic table was a rock shaped just like a heart! I know this probably sounds cheesy, but it was JUST what I needed and I don't think it was any coincidence at all! Then I just continued to have Psalm 18 go through my mind over and over again. I love all of the Psalms, but had no idea at this moment what Psalm 18 even said! So, I went home and read it and was SO encouraged by what I read....
First of all, in my Bible this chapter was titled in bold writing "The Lord is my Rock and my Fortress" I couldn't help but smile as I knew I was about to read some great truth! I got pretty excited and went to get a pen to take some notes! I knew this was going to be good! :-)
If you haven't read it, I recommend it! It begins with David praising God and expressing His love for our Lord! As I researched this part a bit, I discovered that the word for love David uses in this passage means to "yearn for"...a very deep emotional and spiritual connection he is experiencing with God. In fact, the literal Hebrew translation means "to fondle" which implies he is wrapping his arms around God. Giving Him a big hug! I long for that kind of love with God one that I can confidently say I have my arms and heart wrapped around Him and He is hugging me right back! He continues with saying God is "MY rock, MY fortress, MY deliverer, MY God, MY rock, (in whom I take refuge), MY shield, the horn of MY salvation, MY stronghold" God is definitely serving as a helper and a HUGE part of his life! God is the place we must turn for strength and protection for every trial and decision of our lives!! It continues describing God's deliverance in times of trouble! Then David continues to tell why God chooses to deliver...because he delights in us and because he rewards righteousness. The verse from Zephaniah 3:17 popped into my head right away as I read this...
"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
AND, He chose to deliver David because he kept the ways of the Lord...this encouraged my heart to stay true to Him and to just keep on keeping on. :-) Each day is such a blessing to be live for HIM...just sometimes need that reminder!
Oh How He Loves Us!!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
God's Healing Hand!!
Last Sunday I had the privilege of singing again with the worship team from our church. I had tried to join back in with the group about a year ago, but found myself at practice feeling such a tight throat and knew I would be a wreck on Sunday morning. The last thing people needed was to see me breaking down in front of the whole church...what a distraction from leading others into worship. Plus, I was a bit overwhelmed with still managing the single parenthood deal with taking Ethan to practices, and leaving my house at least an hour before his normal waking time. So, I stepped back and prayed over it deciding to try again with the new year. Worship is a very intimate and at times emotional experience, so I was uncertain, but confident that I wanted to be there. I absolutely love singing and feel like it is one of my best ways to connect with my father. I am able to remove all other thoughts from my very busy mind and actually picture myself at His feet pouring my heart out to him in song! However, it is also the one thing that will still sometimes catch me off guard and bring me to tears with no warning! Yet, this past Sunday as I sang through each song opening my heart to Him, I was so encouraged! I can honestly say that I had not even a moment of sadness the whole morning. My mind was able to focus and I felt so full of joy! There are so many memories of leading worship with Rich standing nearby playing the guitar. Yet, I know that he is probably continuing to find so much joy in doing this in heaven with some of the best like Rich Mullins! :-) I left church feeling so grateful for God's continued healing hand in my life. It was a great morning. To top it all off, Ethan did just great with his long five hour morning of being shuffled around. God is SO good!!
I look forward to continuing to be a part of the worship team here on earth and someday in Heaven with all of God's people!!
I look forward to continuing to be a part of the worship team here on earth and someday in Heaven with all of God's people!!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Enough...
A new year = new beginnings! I began this year with a bit of the winter blues (It didn't help that we had record lows and crazy weather that literally snowed us IN). Yet, all that time at home allowed me to think through things and begin to think about the year to come. I'm not much to make resolutions because I hate jumping on the latest band wagon or craze and would rather make long-term life goals. I began to think about how some of my life goals have changed a bit due to the circumstances and direction my life has gone. I am entering year 3 of living my life without the one I promised to love and cherish until death do us part. I still love him and have accepted the fact that a part of me always will. As I visited his grave over Christmas break in TX, the tears still surfaced and my heart just cried out to God once again, "I don't really understand, but I will continue to trust you." I often have to say these words out loud as a reminder to myself that it is ok to hurt, but that I also must choose to accept the life God has given me and trust that He will continue to do great things through me.
I can honestly say that I truly enjoyed my Christmas this year. (This was a first and encouraged me greatly!) I looked forward to being surrounded by family and the many nephews and nieces on my side and being with Rich's family too. It is still hard for me to believe that I am not raising a hand full of kids of my own with my husband by my side. I always dreamed of having a large family and it is just so strange at times when I stop and realize I am a single mom raising a single child. Yet, it feels right and I am truly learning to be content with what God has given me. As I was having a real heart to heart with God out in the pasture in TX over Christmas, I felt like He was saying to me, "Am I enough?!" This past year I was almost just waiting for what was next. I kept thinking maybe He would bring someone into my life so that I could carry on with my life that almost felt like it was put on hold. Everyone around me continued to grow their families and I continued to watch so many couples around me get married. Many people tried to set me up on blind dates or tell me they were praying for me to meet someone. I know they really just have my best interest in mind, but it proved to be a big distraction in my life. That day in the pasture on Jan. 1, 2010, God was reminding me (and has many times again since then) that HE IS ENOUGH! It is almost humorous how many times I have been reminded. I go to church and we sing about His Grace being Enough, "Jesus You're All I Need", etc. I sing songs with Ethan from his kids CDs about God not making mistakes and "I envy no-bo-dy", etc, etc. etc. I open His Word and am bombarded with verses about His perfect plan, His perfect love, and being thankful for what we have. So, as I tucked my sweet boy into bed tonight I told him how thankful I am that God gave Him to me and how much He loves us. He innocently answers, "I know, Mom...He gave us the perfect family--you and me!" God speaks straight through that three year old to my heart SO often! :-)
So, even though I often have to "put my feet on the floor" (as Ethan says some mornings when he greets my by my bed some mornings WAY too early)and choose that I am going to live today with a grateful heart for all I have been given, God rewards me daily for that choice! He truly IS enough! I have let go of some life goals of mine this year. God may still choose to direct my path in a different way some day, but for now, I really am enjoying the path I'm on! I'm letting go of some dreams that I once had. He IS enough and I am learning to really not only survive, but LOVE the life I have once again! How blessed I am to have any child at all! How blessed I am to have AMAZING friends that still reach out to us and take care of so many needs. (I am almost embarrassed that I have the best shoveled driveway on the whole block!) :-) How blessed I am that I have family that loves us and prays faithfully for us! How blessed I am that I have a church that I look forward to going to knowing I will hear truth about my Lord, Savior, and Redeemer and be surrounded by others who want to follow Him too and encourage me in my personal walk with Him! How blessed I am that His GRACE IS enough! I'm looking forward to another year of learning what it means to truly have "Perfect Trust" in Him. Not looking for any person or thing or event to fill me. He fills me perfectly and for that I am so very thankful!
"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!" ~Psalm 118:24
"I will sing of the Lord's great love forever." ~Psalm 89:1
"Great is our Lord and mighty in power." ~Psalm 147:5
"The Lord says, 'Those who hope in me will not be disappointed." ~Isaiah 49:23
"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." ~Psalm 5:3
I can honestly say that I truly enjoyed my Christmas this year. (This was a first and encouraged me greatly!) I looked forward to being surrounded by family and the many nephews and nieces on my side and being with Rich's family too. It is still hard for me to believe that I am not raising a hand full of kids of my own with my husband by my side. I always dreamed of having a large family and it is just so strange at times when I stop and realize I am a single mom raising a single child. Yet, it feels right and I am truly learning to be content with what God has given me. As I was having a real heart to heart with God out in the pasture in TX over Christmas, I felt like He was saying to me, "Am I enough?!" This past year I was almost just waiting for what was next. I kept thinking maybe He would bring someone into my life so that I could carry on with my life that almost felt like it was put on hold. Everyone around me continued to grow their families and I continued to watch so many couples around me get married. Many people tried to set me up on blind dates or tell me they were praying for me to meet someone. I know they really just have my best interest in mind, but it proved to be a big distraction in my life. That day in the pasture on Jan. 1, 2010, God was reminding me (and has many times again since then) that HE IS ENOUGH! It is almost humorous how many times I have been reminded. I go to church and we sing about His Grace being Enough, "Jesus You're All I Need", etc. I sing songs with Ethan from his kids CDs about God not making mistakes and "I envy no-bo-dy", etc, etc. etc. I open His Word and am bombarded with verses about His perfect plan, His perfect love, and being thankful for what we have. So, as I tucked my sweet boy into bed tonight I told him how thankful I am that God gave Him to me and how much He loves us. He innocently answers, "I know, Mom...He gave us the perfect family--you and me!" God speaks straight through that three year old to my heart SO often! :-)
So, even though I often have to "put my feet on the floor" (as Ethan says some mornings when he greets my by my bed some mornings WAY too early)and choose that I am going to live today with a grateful heart for all I have been given, God rewards me daily for that choice! He truly IS enough! I have let go of some life goals of mine this year. God may still choose to direct my path in a different way some day, but for now, I really am enjoying the path I'm on! I'm letting go of some dreams that I once had. He IS enough and I am learning to really not only survive, but LOVE the life I have once again! How blessed I am to have any child at all! How blessed I am to have AMAZING friends that still reach out to us and take care of so many needs. (I am almost embarrassed that I have the best shoveled driveway on the whole block!) :-) How blessed I am that I have family that loves us and prays faithfully for us! How blessed I am that I have a church that I look forward to going to knowing I will hear truth about my Lord, Savior, and Redeemer and be surrounded by others who want to follow Him too and encourage me in my personal walk with Him! How blessed I am that His GRACE IS enough! I'm looking forward to another year of learning what it means to truly have "Perfect Trust" in Him. Not looking for any person or thing or event to fill me. He fills me perfectly and for that I am so very thankful!
"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!" ~Psalm 118:24
"I will sing of the Lord's great love forever." ~Psalm 89:1
"Great is our Lord and mighty in power." ~Psalm 147:5
"The Lord says, 'Those who hope in me will not be disappointed." ~Isaiah 49:23
"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." ~Psalm 5:3
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