Wow! SO much has happened in my life since my last post. Organizing my thoughts and sharing all that is on my heart may be hard to do in writing. I am going to do my best to sum up the events of my life and share some continued "God moments" as He continues to bless me abundantly and remind me that He has a hand in every detail of my life!!
First of all, I just LOVE to share the miraculous ways that God continues to care for Ethan and me. Seriously, I just can't get ahead of Him...though every part of my earthly body wants to take moments to worry or fret about finances or future plans for my life, HE has not allowed that to happen because He is always one step ahead of me laying out every detail so clearly and giving me not a moment to doubt His amazing provision. One example of his miraculous work in my life came with a notice from my mortgage company. About a month and a half ago, I received a letter saying that there was a mistake made with my escrow payments and that I was going to owe an extra eighty-some dollars a month to cover the costs in my mortgage payments. Well, this immediately caused a little concern because I live on a very tight budget that just does not allow for an extra eighty-some dollars to be spent each month. It said the payment adjustments would be made starting in Sept. I knew I would be gone most of the month of Sept and would not be able to work extra days or find little jobs to supplement this cost while I was away. I did not really worry about it though. For some reason, I set it aside and remembered to pray about it, but just knew He would provide somehow!! I didn't even mention this to anyone, because I didn't want others worrying about it or jumping in to help me out. (I have already had SO much done for me!) A couple of weeks later, as I was getting ready for bed, I pulled out a book that had been packed in my travel bag called "God is in Control". I had not looked at this book for a couple of weeks, but remembered something in it that I wanted to read. When I opened up the book, all kinds of bills from 100s to 50s to 10s to 1s fell out coming to a total of $1008 dollars!! I was just in shock. I could not imagine where this money had come from. I started to rack my brain for any explanation. I HAD left my travel bag in my car for a few days, but could not imagine anyone would put that kind of cash in an unlocked car! Anyway, I was just so shocked about the amount of money and that there was actually cash in my book that I didn't make the connection until the NEXT day. There on my dining room table was the notice. I picked it up and added up $84 times 12 months....it came to exactly $1008. I know that God often uses His people to supply our needs, but I was STILL in shock and to this day can not figure out where the money came from...possibly straight from the hand of God!! So, once again, He proved to me that He has me right where I need to be and that He WILL take care of my needs!
Another HUGE blessing came in the opportunity to trust God with my life and the life of my son as I traveled overseas on a short-term trip to teach English and share my life with my students. It was a big step of faith to leave Ethan, but I felt like this was not an opportunity I could pass up. I knew he would be well cared for and loved in the hands of his grandparents. He is a very secure child who has never faced separation anxiety (a HUGE blessing!!) and so I felt confident in leaving him for this period of time. Again, I was not sure what others would think and if I should even ask for support. But, I took a chance and sent out some letters to let others know what I was planning to do. I figured if this was not in God's plan for my life He would make it obvious and just not provide a way for me to get there. Well, the support was amazing! I had the money raised to go in less than two weeks! People were asking to give and to pray that I had not even sent letters to about my trip. And my trip was beyond amazing!! I have a whole new perspective on how to pray more specifically for the Muslim culture and the workers that are living there. I had the opportunity to share my life, my hurts, and my hope with some of my students. Thankfully, I was able to hand my friendships over to other believers that will be there for the entire year so that the seeds planted may blossom into changed lives for eternity!! I will continue to pray by name for each of these girls and hope to someday greet their beautiful faces at the gates of heaven! I was able to see more pain and feelings of worthlessness than I have ever seen in the insecurity of girls here. I had a girl actually cry in my class as she shared that her dream was "to be a boy because then my life would have purpose." I pray she truly heard truth when I talked with her later and just told her that God did not make a mistake when he created her and that He knew every hair on her head and loved her perfectly just the way she was made! I hope someday she will hear that He even sent His son, Jesus, to die for HER!
When I got home, it was so good to reconnect with Ethan, my family, and friends. My son loves to sing and a new song I often hear him belting out around the house is, "Oh no, He'll never let go...through the calm and through the storm...Oh no, He'll never let go...every high and every low...He'll never let go of me." How TRUE this song is and how FAITHFUL God has proved Himself to be over and over again in MY life and my son's life. It was good to have time away and time to myself. Even though I was busy in a foreign land with the purpose of teaching and praying for opportunities to share and for others to just SEE Jesus in me, I was also able to reflect a LOT on my life over the past two years. WOW, what a journey I have been through. Yet, I can honestly say, that He NEVER LET GO!
I feel more confident in who I am in Christ than I have ever felt before. I KNOW that He is in charge of every detail of my life and that He continues to have great plans for me and my future. I hope to have MANY opportunities to share about Him with others. But my heart is especially soft to the idea of sharing with others who may have had NO opportunity to know about Him and maybe not even the freedom to hear about Him. Not sure where He is leading me and Ethan with our future...but I am going to continue to pursue opportunities to serve Him wherever He has me...whether it be here in the States or overseas. For a while, I was so hurt and just surviving to really see clearly enough to think about my future. But now, I see SO many opportunities and can honestly say I am EXCITED again about my life and what is to come! It is SO amazing how God can use our greatest tragedies to grow us closer to Him and to USE us for HIS glory!! What joy it brings me to be used for HIM. Life is such an adventure and I LOVE adventure. I know that there will be more tragedy and hurt in my future, but I also know that HE already knows it is there and will NEVER let go! I pray that He will continue to refine me and bring me through whatever is to come as pure gold. It's all about perspective! We ALL have our hurts and our joys. But without Christ, that is all they are...hurts and temporary spurts of relief. WITH Christ, they are hurts that can be healed and used to change us to be more like Him and to draw others TO Him. There are Joys that are continuous and that never leave us because HE never leaves us!! What a privilege it IS to be a child of God and to have the honor of serving Him.
And, oh the mystery and excitement of what is to come!! :-)
"And the Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your desire with good things, and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters fail not." ~Isaiah 58:11
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Great loss = Great gain
If I am completely honest with myself and others, I can say that I am dreading the coming week. The memories are always there, but there is something about the actual season and dates that roll around that bring back emotions and feelings that I usually don't deal with on a day to day basis. I can still so vividly remember the phone call, the pit in my stomach, and the LONG wait as the search began. I knew from the very beginning that it was not going to end well, but one always holds on to a little hope that maybe, just maybe your loved one will be the one in a million that pulls through.
Yet, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace from the very beginning that God is SO much bigger than my little view of life and that whatever happens, HE would sustain me through it all. And He has!! Don't get me wrong, there have been tears, and times where I even sobbed to the point of wanting to throw up and questions of how will I ever make it...raising a son on my own without his daddy just left me with a VERY unsettled feeling over and over again. And, losing that one person that knew me better than anyone on this earth and loved me in spite of knowing everything about me, was completely heartbreaking. Even as I write this, my eyes tear up and my throat tightens as I try to fight back the urge to let them fall. It was a GREAT loss! And, yet, August 5th, 2007, on that very hot summer night, I remember praying that whatever happens, that if he WAS gone, than to just not let it be in vain. I remember praying that God would use this HUGELY in my life to change me and everyone around me...to the far stretches of the world!
Well, HE has answered that prayer over and over again!! I have seen lives changed and heard countless stories from others (whom I even barely know) that have seen lives changed because of this great loss. People who have come to know Christ personally and others who have recommitted their lives to Christ. I have had numerous opportunities to speak (something I NEVER desired to do) and God has used that to reach others as well as draw me so much closer to Him as I HAD to trust Him through it all. My life has been changed beyond what I could have ever asked or imagined. I have seen the body of Christ TRULY become family to me and support me in every way possible. From food, to lawn mowing, to financially, to flowers, to gifts for Ethan and me, to cards, to home improvements, to most importantly prayers...I have been looked after!
I have learned that I am more vulnerable than ever if I am not faithfully in the Word. I have learned weaknesses about myself that I never even knew existed before. The ugliness of pride, selfishness, jealousy, and others have come to the surface as I have faced new challenges of living on my own this past couple of years. Going from living with my parents to college with roommates to marriage with a spouse, I have never experienced what it means to be alone....really alone! Yes, I DO have a three year old, so granted, I don't have a LOT of alone time....but not living with another person at the same stage of life has been a completely new and challenging experience for me. I've battled the balance between loneliness and busyness...the urge to fill every moment so I would not have to face the silence. Yet God has prevailed, even when I have failed. He's always there just waiting for me to trust and rely on Him once again!! And this fall, He has even opened up the opportunity for me to share my life in the far stretches of the world...just as I prayed that hot summer night. I get to go share with others who have also experienced great loss about how we can still have SO much hope and joy in life through knowing Him. What an amazing God we serve!!
So, as Aug. 5th, 2009 approaches, yes, there are feelings of anxiousness as I think about the memories of that night. There are always emotions that flood me as I approach a birthday, anniversary, holiday, or big event. Yet, the actual day of the event, I am filled with an overwhelming sense of peace...and I KNOW that is because others are praying for me and Ethan. Prayer IS so effective in our lives!! So, thanks for the prayers! Thanks for loving us so well though our loss! Please continue to pray that our loss will be God's great gain!!! After all, our purpose is to bring HIM glory!!
This song puts it better than I could ever put it into words...
Bring on the Rain
Yet, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace from the very beginning that God is SO much bigger than my little view of life and that whatever happens, HE would sustain me through it all. And He has!! Don't get me wrong, there have been tears, and times where I even sobbed to the point of wanting to throw up and questions of how will I ever make it...raising a son on my own without his daddy just left me with a VERY unsettled feeling over and over again. And, losing that one person that knew me better than anyone on this earth and loved me in spite of knowing everything about me, was completely heartbreaking. Even as I write this, my eyes tear up and my throat tightens as I try to fight back the urge to let them fall. It was a GREAT loss! And, yet, August 5th, 2007, on that very hot summer night, I remember praying that whatever happens, that if he WAS gone, than to just not let it be in vain. I remember praying that God would use this HUGELY in my life to change me and everyone around me...to the far stretches of the world!
Well, HE has answered that prayer over and over again!! I have seen lives changed and heard countless stories from others (whom I even barely know) that have seen lives changed because of this great loss. People who have come to know Christ personally and others who have recommitted their lives to Christ. I have had numerous opportunities to speak (something I NEVER desired to do) and God has used that to reach others as well as draw me so much closer to Him as I HAD to trust Him through it all. My life has been changed beyond what I could have ever asked or imagined. I have seen the body of Christ TRULY become family to me and support me in every way possible. From food, to lawn mowing, to financially, to flowers, to gifts for Ethan and me, to cards, to home improvements, to most importantly prayers...I have been looked after!
I have learned that I am more vulnerable than ever if I am not faithfully in the Word. I have learned weaknesses about myself that I never even knew existed before. The ugliness of pride, selfishness, jealousy, and others have come to the surface as I have faced new challenges of living on my own this past couple of years. Going from living with my parents to college with roommates to marriage with a spouse, I have never experienced what it means to be alone....really alone! Yes, I DO have a three year old, so granted, I don't have a LOT of alone time....but not living with another person at the same stage of life has been a completely new and challenging experience for me. I've battled the balance between loneliness and busyness...the urge to fill every moment so I would not have to face the silence. Yet God has prevailed, even when I have failed. He's always there just waiting for me to trust and rely on Him once again!! And this fall, He has even opened up the opportunity for me to share my life in the far stretches of the world...just as I prayed that hot summer night. I get to go share with others who have also experienced great loss about how we can still have SO much hope and joy in life through knowing Him. What an amazing God we serve!!
So, as Aug. 5th, 2009 approaches, yes, there are feelings of anxiousness as I think about the memories of that night. There are always emotions that flood me as I approach a birthday, anniversary, holiday, or big event. Yet, the actual day of the event, I am filled with an overwhelming sense of peace...and I KNOW that is because others are praying for me and Ethan. Prayer IS so effective in our lives!! So, thanks for the prayers! Thanks for loving us so well though our loss! Please continue to pray that our loss will be God's great gain!!! After all, our purpose is to bring HIM glory!!
This song puts it better than I could ever put it into words...
Bring on the Rain
Thursday, July 16, 2009
The time has come...
"Great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies."
~Psalm 108:4
Today, I attacked the big dark hole that only a handful of people in my life have even been allowed to see since Rich left this world...the office. I am embarrassed to admit it, but I have honestly not cleaned that little room off of my bedroom for almost two years! Little by little I was able to go on with every part of my life, but this was Rich's room...everything about it breathed him.
He surprised me when I was away on a trip to N. Carolina visiting my sister. I came home to a big hole in my bedroom wall and an unfinished area that used to be an attic above the garage that he said was our new office. He was so excited and proud of the fact he was going to take on this project that I couldn't be mad...but oh my, what an undertaking it was! The thing I loved (and honestly sometimes annoyed me greatly) about Rich was that he always thought he could do things himself and if he didn't know how, he would learn. Well, the room DID get finished. (I believe it took about four years, but who was counting?!) :-) We both learned a lot and though it could still use a lot of work (like the doorway that still needs to be framed, etc.) but it was HIS and he was proud of it. I surprised him one day while he was at work when I was VERY pregnant and decided to not sub that day by decorating the room with everything he loved. I hung the Texas flag in the corner and filled the walls and bookshelves with his special things. He was a very eclectic guy loving everything from fishing to golf. He loved history and learning and had a passion for people. He was a city boy and yet a cowboy at heart and had notebooks full of everything from songbooks for guitar playing to research on cows to his crazy Henry Hoch letters. (long story, you'll have to ask) He loved all athletics and pretty much was INTO whatever sport was in season, playing and coaching and watching. So, anyway, this room was his and reflected him...the recliner in the corner for his down time, the computer, movies, and books and more books. And then, of course, there was the corner full of Ebay stuff. Let's just say he had a bit of an addiction selling and buying on Ebay. It was actually quite profitable, but could become a bit ridiculous at times. To make this point a little more clear, my mailman actually wrote me a card when Rich died because we were on a first name basis due to us getting so many packages. I write all of this to share the impact of how stepping into this room has been hard for me. Yet, I did it day in and day out to check my email, work on paperwork, relax in the recliner with a good book of my own, and at the beginning just sit and cry, no let's be honest, sob!
The thing that is so amazing about it all is that this room has carried SO many emotions and yet today, I woke up feeling that it was time! Not a doubt in my mind...just peace. By afternoon, I was able to begin actually working on it due to a few other errands and needs that had to be met that day first. As I began to go through the piles (and yes, there were some BIG piles) of books, paperwork, pictures, etc, it was so encouraging. I honestly can't believe I am admitting to anyone that I had a room that was so messy in my life, but it was just too overwhelming emotionally before to even want to do anything about it. I would often walk in there with blinders on and walk right back out. Other times I would go in and just soak it in and cry. Other times I would go in there and be so ashamed, I would just leave feeling guilty that I had this in my life.
Well, as I went through things today, I was amazed at how much God has truly healed my heart and how much I have learned over the past couple of years about myself and even more importantly, my God. As I ran across things and pictures so many memories flooded my mind. I found myself laughing at things that I know would have annoyed me many years ago. How trivial things seem in hindsight. I prayed immediately that if God ever granted me the privilege of being a wife again, I would never forget this and that I would embrace everything that made my husband different than myself...how He uses that to make us more complete!! I often found myself giggling at quirky things I would find that belonged to Rich and know at one time I would have been a little frustrated at the many Ebay items he had purchased or the latest hobby he had decided to get into, but now I just appreciate that he really knew how to live life to the fullest and enjoyed every part of it! I found CDs full of collections of favorite songs and I have enjoyed listening to them throughout the evening as I sorted through things.
THEN, I came across the pile of things I had made...everything from death certificates to many many to-do lists. I was blown away by all that I had actually accomplished the weeks after his death and know that only with God's strength and SO many people pouring their lives into me was I able to get through it all. The strange part about it all is that even this pile did not bring me tears, but instead was encouraging to me as I can remember the feelings I experienced two years ago in August...the feeling of knowing what it could possibly be like to die of a broken heart, feeling so hurt that I could not even put it into words, but just cry myself to sleep night after night and hope that maybe I would just wake up in the arms of Jesus, the feeling of such desperation that I would literally read book after book of the Bible just so I could fill my mind with truth and hope and though I could not sleep much, still feeling rested and full of hope every morning...knowing that God WOULD carry me through one more day and that I could be strong to love on my son and show him God's love. And there are the pile of books on grief...wow! I think I have a whole library now just of those! Yet, I read every one and some of them more than once. I came across notes and the many many verses I posted all over my office and bathroom mirror as reminders of TRUTH and God's promises. I am still overwhelmed by how God used so many people and is STILL using people in my life to carry me forward. It is encouraging to me that going through some of Rich's most intimate things brought not sadness, but a smile to my face and made me think he DID live a full life. So many people think his life was cut short, and yet, I think he lived a fuller life in his 30 years than many do in 100 years. I can see his place in my life as such a blessing and lessons learned from having him as a part of my life. Thank you, Lord!
*Though I am not done with the office, a HUGE dent has been made and I am looking forward to making it my own personal space soon...a place where I can go as my sweet retreat from the busyness of life!
"I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." ~Eph. 3:17-19
~Psalm 108:4
Today, I attacked the big dark hole that only a handful of people in my life have even been allowed to see since Rich left this world...the office. I am embarrassed to admit it, but I have honestly not cleaned that little room off of my bedroom for almost two years! Little by little I was able to go on with every part of my life, but this was Rich's room...everything about it breathed him.
He surprised me when I was away on a trip to N. Carolina visiting my sister. I came home to a big hole in my bedroom wall and an unfinished area that used to be an attic above the garage that he said was our new office. He was so excited and proud of the fact he was going to take on this project that I couldn't be mad...but oh my, what an undertaking it was! The thing I loved (and honestly sometimes annoyed me greatly) about Rich was that he always thought he could do things himself and if he didn't know how, he would learn. Well, the room DID get finished. (I believe it took about four years, but who was counting?!) :-) We both learned a lot and though it could still use a lot of work (like the doorway that still needs to be framed, etc.) but it was HIS and he was proud of it. I surprised him one day while he was at work when I was VERY pregnant and decided to not sub that day by decorating the room with everything he loved. I hung the Texas flag in the corner and filled the walls and bookshelves with his special things. He was a very eclectic guy loving everything from fishing to golf. He loved history and learning and had a passion for people. He was a city boy and yet a cowboy at heart and had notebooks full of everything from songbooks for guitar playing to research on cows to his crazy Henry Hoch letters. (long story, you'll have to ask) He loved all athletics and pretty much was INTO whatever sport was in season, playing and coaching and watching. So, anyway, this room was his and reflected him...the recliner in the corner for his down time, the computer, movies, and books and more books. And then, of course, there was the corner full of Ebay stuff. Let's just say he had a bit of an addiction selling and buying on Ebay. It was actually quite profitable, but could become a bit ridiculous at times. To make this point a little more clear, my mailman actually wrote me a card when Rich died because we were on a first name basis due to us getting so many packages. I write all of this to share the impact of how stepping into this room has been hard for me. Yet, I did it day in and day out to check my email, work on paperwork, relax in the recliner with a good book of my own, and at the beginning just sit and cry, no let's be honest, sob!
The thing that is so amazing about it all is that this room has carried SO many emotions and yet today, I woke up feeling that it was time! Not a doubt in my mind...just peace. By afternoon, I was able to begin actually working on it due to a few other errands and needs that had to be met that day first. As I began to go through the piles (and yes, there were some BIG piles) of books, paperwork, pictures, etc, it was so encouraging. I honestly can't believe I am admitting to anyone that I had a room that was so messy in my life, but it was just too overwhelming emotionally before to even want to do anything about it. I would often walk in there with blinders on and walk right back out. Other times I would go in and just soak it in and cry. Other times I would go in there and be so ashamed, I would just leave feeling guilty that I had this in my life.
Well, as I went through things today, I was amazed at how much God has truly healed my heart and how much I have learned over the past couple of years about myself and even more importantly, my God. As I ran across things and pictures so many memories flooded my mind. I found myself laughing at things that I know would have annoyed me many years ago. How trivial things seem in hindsight. I prayed immediately that if God ever granted me the privilege of being a wife again, I would never forget this and that I would embrace everything that made my husband different than myself...how He uses that to make us more complete!! I often found myself giggling at quirky things I would find that belonged to Rich and know at one time I would have been a little frustrated at the many Ebay items he had purchased or the latest hobby he had decided to get into, but now I just appreciate that he really knew how to live life to the fullest and enjoyed every part of it! I found CDs full of collections of favorite songs and I have enjoyed listening to them throughout the evening as I sorted through things.
THEN, I came across the pile of things I had made...everything from death certificates to many many to-do lists. I was blown away by all that I had actually accomplished the weeks after his death and know that only with God's strength and SO many people pouring their lives into me was I able to get through it all. The strange part about it all is that even this pile did not bring me tears, but instead was encouraging to me as I can remember the feelings I experienced two years ago in August...the feeling of knowing what it could possibly be like to die of a broken heart, feeling so hurt that I could not even put it into words, but just cry myself to sleep night after night and hope that maybe I would just wake up in the arms of Jesus, the feeling of such desperation that I would literally read book after book of the Bible just so I could fill my mind with truth and hope and though I could not sleep much, still feeling rested and full of hope every morning...knowing that God WOULD carry me through one more day and that I could be strong to love on my son and show him God's love. And there are the pile of books on grief...wow! I think I have a whole library now just of those! Yet, I read every one and some of them more than once. I came across notes and the many many verses I posted all over my office and bathroom mirror as reminders of TRUTH and God's promises. I am still overwhelmed by how God used so many people and is STILL using people in my life to carry me forward. It is encouraging to me that going through some of Rich's most intimate things brought not sadness, but a smile to my face and made me think he DID live a full life. So many people think his life was cut short, and yet, I think he lived a fuller life in his 30 years than many do in 100 years. I can see his place in my life as such a blessing and lessons learned from having him as a part of my life. Thank you, Lord!
*Though I am not done with the office, a HUGE dent has been made and I am looking forward to making it my own personal space soon...a place where I can go as my sweet retreat from the busyness of life!
"I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." ~Eph. 3:17-19
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
An effort to praise YOU
Today would have been the day I celebrated NINE years of marriage to Rich Heyroth. I woke up WIDE awake at five am with my mind going full speed ahead. Strangely, and yet not really, I feel a lot of peace. I know that is God just reminding me that I can trust Him that today is going to be a good day, in spite of my missing person that should be laying beside me in my bed this morning. As I am sitting here listening to the rain, I am reminded of some lyrics from a group I used to listen to way back in college, Watermark...
I wish I could roll like the thunder, to leave the earth below in wonder
In effort to praise You
I wish I could fall like the summer rain and every drop would sing Your name
In effort to praise You
In effort to praise You
But I'm such a limited creature
And my words can only paint so many pictures
But somewhere I'm sure I read that I am treasured over all creation
So I know that I must try
Gloria, glory in the highest
Forever I will hide myself in Thee
Oh, gloria
Glory in the highest
Forever I will hide myself in Thee
So, I WILL try to praise Him with all that I am and all that is within me because I still have SO much to praise Him for each and every day!
Thank you, Lord, for the seven years of marriage I WAS given and all that you taught me about love and our limited view of what it means to love someone unconditionally truly means. Though I may have only been given seven years of marriage with an incredible man, I would have rather had seven than none at all. Thank you for using Rich in my life to draw me closer to you and helping me see that it is truly only YOU that can fill me up completely and no human will ever meet that need. Thanks for the bonus love I DID receive from him and the many many ways he spoiled me and taught me not to be so legalistic with my relationship with YOU...reminding me often that he, like you, loved me because of WHO I was and not what I did. Thank you for teaching me to trust you more and more each day with every detail of my life. Lord you ARE glorious!! You are bigger and more majestic than I could ever imagine and I truly want to fall flat on my face when I think of coming before you. And yet, also, every ounce within me wants to get up and shout and dance and sing to you because You ARE an awesome God and I love you with every piece of my heart!!
Gloria!!
I wish I could roll like the thunder, to leave the earth below in wonder
In effort to praise You
I wish I could fall like the summer rain and every drop would sing Your name
In effort to praise You
In effort to praise You
But I'm such a limited creature
And my words can only paint so many pictures
But somewhere I'm sure I read that I am treasured over all creation
So I know that I must try
Gloria, glory in the highest
Forever I will hide myself in Thee
Oh, gloria
Glory in the highest
Forever I will hide myself in Thee
So, I WILL try to praise Him with all that I am and all that is within me because I still have SO much to praise Him for each and every day!
Thank you, Lord, for the seven years of marriage I WAS given and all that you taught me about love and our limited view of what it means to love someone unconditionally truly means. Though I may have only been given seven years of marriage with an incredible man, I would have rather had seven than none at all. Thank you for using Rich in my life to draw me closer to you and helping me see that it is truly only YOU that can fill me up completely and no human will ever meet that need. Thanks for the bonus love I DID receive from him and the many many ways he spoiled me and taught me not to be so legalistic with my relationship with YOU...reminding me often that he, like you, loved me because of WHO I was and not what I did. Thank you for teaching me to trust you more and more each day with every detail of my life. Lord you ARE glorious!! You are bigger and more majestic than I could ever imagine and I truly want to fall flat on my face when I think of coming before you. And yet, also, every ounce within me wants to get up and shout and dance and sing to you because You ARE an awesome God and I love you with every piece of my heart!!
Gloria!!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
A Love Letter from God!
Yesterday was a good day, but ended on a sad note. So...I started off this morning diving into TRUTH. God led me straight to Phil. 4:8 and I began to immediately pray that I would be able to focus on truth today and be encouraged by what God had in store for me TODAY...not tomorrow or the next day, but just focus on today.
Amazingly, I got to church and the whole message was ALSO over the Phil. 4:8...hmmm..think God was telling me something?! :-) It was a great and encouraging message that reminded me of the importance of what I take IN will also be reflected on what comes out, not only in my lifestyle, but in my thoughts. I must be SO intentional about taking every thought captive that is not from HIM. I am beginning to realize how sneaky those little lies are and how subtly they come on and then bring me down. My life here on earth is ALWAYS going to be filled with challenges and struggles, but really in the grand scheme of eternity, it is SO short-lived. I want to make EVERY effort to glorify God with my life AND thoughts and believe in HIS truths for my life so that I may be more effective in reflecting HIM with my life. What JOY I experience when I allow Him to work through me this way too!!
As I was preparing for bed tonight, I was reading through Psalm 116. I enjoyed it so much, I was wondering if there were any songs written using lyrics from this chapter. So, I got on Youtube and found a couple. They were ok, but then I stumbled across THIS video about God's love for me FILLED with scripture (TRUTH). It was so encouraging!! I want to copy each verse and fill my bathroom mirror with them all. :-) It made me think about the video I watched last night and how silly it was that it made me so sad...I don't need to write a letter to Rich anymore...He is SO taken care of and LOVING being in the very presence of God!! I never DID get to say good-bye. So, this week, I am going to write one last letter and say my good-byes. It is time to officially let him go...although he will ALWAYS be a part of me, he is no longer a part of my everyday life. I will continue to be forever grateful for the place he had in my life and the way God used him to teach me SO much about Himself. I will continue to love his family and want Ethan to grow up knowing about him and knowing he was SO loved by him. I know there may still be passing memories and even a tear shed here and there throughout my life, but God is not a God of mistakes. He KNEW from the moment He created me, THIS would be my life! And, honestly, even with all of the hurt and pain that comes with life here on earth, I am SO thankful for the life that I have and the plan that God has for me...as long as I allow Him to USE it in my life to draw me closer to Him!! Whatever it takes, God...draw me close to YOU!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggGwDrxrC2k&feature=related
Amazingly, I got to church and the whole message was ALSO over the Phil. 4:8...hmmm..think God was telling me something?! :-) It was a great and encouraging message that reminded me of the importance of what I take IN will also be reflected on what comes out, not only in my lifestyle, but in my thoughts. I must be SO intentional about taking every thought captive that is not from HIM. I am beginning to realize how sneaky those little lies are and how subtly they come on and then bring me down. My life here on earth is ALWAYS going to be filled with challenges and struggles, but really in the grand scheme of eternity, it is SO short-lived. I want to make EVERY effort to glorify God with my life AND thoughts and believe in HIS truths for my life so that I may be more effective in reflecting HIM with my life. What JOY I experience when I allow Him to work through me this way too!!
As I was preparing for bed tonight, I was reading through Psalm 116. I enjoyed it so much, I was wondering if there were any songs written using lyrics from this chapter. So, I got on Youtube and found a couple. They were ok, but then I stumbled across THIS video about God's love for me FILLED with scripture (TRUTH). It was so encouraging!! I want to copy each verse and fill my bathroom mirror with them all. :-) It made me think about the video I watched last night and how silly it was that it made me so sad...I don't need to write a letter to Rich anymore...He is SO taken care of and LOVING being in the very presence of God!! I never DID get to say good-bye. So, this week, I am going to write one last letter and say my good-byes. It is time to officially let him go...although he will ALWAYS be a part of me, he is no longer a part of my everyday life. I will continue to be forever grateful for the place he had in my life and the way God used him to teach me SO much about Himself. I will continue to love his family and want Ethan to grow up knowing about him and knowing he was SO loved by him. I know there may still be passing memories and even a tear shed here and there throughout my life, but God is not a God of mistakes. He KNEW from the moment He created me, THIS would be my life! And, honestly, even with all of the hurt and pain that comes with life here on earth, I am SO thankful for the life that I have and the plan that God has for me...as long as I allow Him to USE it in my life to draw me closer to Him!! Whatever it takes, God...draw me close to YOU!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggGwDrxrC2k&feature=related
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Wedding Season Begins...
Well, another season has begun...Wedding season. I work as a wedding liaison for my church and so I am not only attending the many weddings of friends and relatives, but also working those of many others that I am getting to know through the process of my job. Weddings are such a happy time and for the most part I just LOVE this time of year and celebrating with all those around me as they commit their life to another individual for the "rest of their lives". To love someone enough to WANT to spend their whole life on earth with that person is something that I DO understand...it is AMAZING to experience just a touch of what unconditional love is in your life and to learn how to return that love unconditionally as well. For humans, it takes a lot of work and commitment, but oh the reward is so amazing!! It was through my seven years of marriage to Rich that I think I first had a real and tangible understanding of God's love for me. My parents loved me unconditionally, but I was too focused on myself and immature to really grasp the depth of the meaning of it all until I was an adult. It was through my marriage that I started to really understand the idea of being the bride of Christ. Wow...how amazing that HE is truly my first husband who loves me perfectly in every way!! He can meet every need and desire that no human could ever even begin to fill in my life.
Yet, even with this knowledge and SO desperately seeking after God to FILL that need in my life, I DO still miss the tangible love of having Rich in my life. As I attended a wedding today of my friend Sarah, I could see so much of me in her and so much of Rich in her NOW husband, Erik. As they said their vows, a bit of me found myself getting a bit choked up and thinking, "Don't let a tear fall because you know it won't be just one!" As they committed to love each other until "death do us part", I just breathed in deeply and said a quick prayer for them that they would only experience that at an old age or that Christ would return so they would never experience it at all. I remember saying those words and thinking how sweet it would be to grow old with dear Rich and to watch our children grow up and to even enjoy grandchildren together. Honestly, it never really crossed my mind that life would turn out this way.
God is CONTINUING to teach me to trust Him through it all and most days I feel very confident in His plan for my life and even excited about what is to come!! But, if I am completely honest, there ARE still days that I have to fight off the lies of my future being pretty bleak and lonely and hopeless. I STILL miss him after almost two years...TWO years it will be this summer since I lost him. Honestly, I think there will always be a part of me that misses him. As I heard this song tonight I was blown away by how it just brought me to tears...thinking, "If only I could just talk to him ONE more time. I didn't even get to say good-bye!!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OiVjaOQ23xQ
Yet, even with this knowledge and SO desperately seeking after God to FILL that need in my life, I DO still miss the tangible love of having Rich in my life. As I attended a wedding today of my friend Sarah, I could see so much of me in her and so much of Rich in her NOW husband, Erik. As they said their vows, a bit of me found myself getting a bit choked up and thinking, "Don't let a tear fall because you know it won't be just one!" As they committed to love each other until "death do us part", I just breathed in deeply and said a quick prayer for them that they would only experience that at an old age or that Christ would return so they would never experience it at all. I remember saying those words and thinking how sweet it would be to grow old with dear Rich and to watch our children grow up and to even enjoy grandchildren together. Honestly, it never really crossed my mind that life would turn out this way.
God is CONTINUING to teach me to trust Him through it all and most days I feel very confident in His plan for my life and even excited about what is to come!! But, if I am completely honest, there ARE still days that I have to fight off the lies of my future being pretty bleak and lonely and hopeless. I STILL miss him after almost two years...TWO years it will be this summer since I lost him. Honestly, I think there will always be a part of me that misses him. As I heard this song tonight I was blown away by how it just brought me to tears...thinking, "If only I could just talk to him ONE more time. I didn't even get to say good-bye!!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OiVjaOQ23xQ
Friday, May 15, 2009
May, Motherhood, and Memories
Wow...May is just a busy month, period! It is also full of times that are flooded with memories. From May 1st (May Day) to the end of the month (Memorial Day weekend) it is packed full of traditions and family time for me.
Beginning with May Day, Rich always brought home a bouquet of beautiful flowers for me telling me he was celebrating our last month of school before our summer together would begin. Even though he always worked throughout the summers, it was a time of a lot of fun together. As we move further into the month, there is Mother's Day. This is a holiday I was only able to celebrate twice with Rich...but how LOVED he made me feel. He always made me feel like being a mother was the hardest and most admired job. Then there was the precious day that our miracle son was born...May 19th. Although the doctors had finally said, "It is time to look into adoption" God miraculously made it happen!! I have never seen a prouder father as he held Ethan for the first time and every time after! Following his birthday, we always would take a family trip to Texas with the Heyroths for Memorial Day weekend. In between all of that there was also the busyness of wrapping up the school year, my mom's birthday, our own Mothers to celebrate, high school graduation and parties, soccer season ending hopefully by going to state, and almost always at least one wedding to top it all off. May was a month full of celebration and craziness! It continues to be both, but along with the fun times, my mind is flooded with all of the memories.
This has been a bit of an emotional month for me dealing with so much. One of the hardest things was going back up to Shawnee Heights to present three memorial scholarships in honor of Rich. Walking into the building and facing the staff, the parents, and students almost felt surreal. As I walked onto stage and presented those scholarships, I had a smile on my face, but my heart was aching inside. I could feel myself entering into the emotional detachment phase because I knew if I really allowed myself to feel, the tears may begin to fall. This is never good for me because it is often like a dam being released and they just keep coming and I knew I didn't have any kleenex and was not even waterproof mascara that night! :-) Yet, after I presented them, there was a huge relief that I felt, even a moment of just feeling proud of who he was and that I was able to called his wife...what an honor, even if for just a short time. I actually enjoyed greeting the students after it was done. (Though earlier, I had considered darting out of there after I presented so I didn't have to talk to anyone!) I was able to reconnect with a few and was SO thankful that I did. I think they needed it even more than I did. I'm hoping it is a testimony to others that I can carry on (not with perfection) but with hope because of HIM!! I often get a chance to share how I am doing and I can only honestly tell people I am doing okay because of God!
As I prepare to celebrate my baby's THIRD birthday tomorrow, I can't help but ache a little still that his father can not be with us. Some of the last pictures I have of them together are at his FIRST birthday party. It is unbelievable to me how much he has changed and, even without his daddy here, has miraculously taken on so many of his character traits and definitely his looks. I keep thinking I am over the emotional toll of it all, and yet as I sit here and type the tears are beginning to pour down my cheeks. My Lord has been SO faithful, SO loving, and taken SUCH good care of us...yet, that doesn't really make the pain disappear. It still exists and it still hurts. Thankfully, it is not an everyday experience anymore and I can see SO much healing in my life. Yet, I am beginning to think (and accept) that in THIS life on THIS earth, it will always exist a bit for me and there will always be some tears from time to time. I am so blessed to have a God that loves me enough to see me through these times and to continue to give me hope for what is to come!!
God continues to bless me and give me the strength to carry forward. He has given me such an amazing season of my life...the ability to stay home with my son and work odd jobs here and there to pay the bills. I am probably one of millions of single moms that ever have the privilege to do this. Because of this, I feel like I have been given more of a chance to deal with my grief in a healthy way and through a process without being rushed or pushing it aside as if it never happened. I have also had the chance to invest deeply in my son's life and to not take one day for granted with him. I love it!! I'm even pursuing a missions trip to Central Asia in the fall because I have the freedom to do something like that, and so I want so badly to give of my life and to share with others that there IS hope even after great loss. I'm not sure what my future holds, but I am beginning to make some "plans" but holding those loosely in the palm of my hand as I trust God with each step of the way. I will never again make a PLAN for my life and not be praying over it or think of it as my right or a guarantee. I am planning to go back to school and complete my RN. I'm so looking forward to pursuing this dream and can see SO many ways that I can use it in my future...not only to support myself and my son, but also to serve others and possibly even use overseas in missions someday.
So, even though there are still some hard and even tearful times in my life, I am confident that God will use even those to draw me closer to Him. I want to "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say, Rejoice!" because I know that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" (Phil. 4:4 & 13)
**Thank you for anyone who reads this that continues to pray for us. Your prayers are SO appreciated and although I am sure some have almost forgotten this has even taken place in my life, it is still so very real every day for me.
Lyrics sent to me just tonight as I was typing this new blog entry (Thanks, Dad!)
When Life Gets Broken
Hands reaching out
No one to hold
You've been abandoned
With no place to go
Wounded and wanting
Such desperate times
Cold bitter tears are filling your eyes
(Pre-Chorus)
Get a glimpse of Jesus
For He is right there with you
He knows just what you need
Chorus
When life gets broken
And you're in despair
He'll carry your burden
When it's too much to bear
It's down in the valley
Where He'll give you strength
And there is nothing you have lost
That He can't replace
He'll help you start all over again
When life gets broken
Beginning with May Day, Rich always brought home a bouquet of beautiful flowers for me telling me he was celebrating our last month of school before our summer together would begin. Even though he always worked throughout the summers, it was a time of a lot of fun together. As we move further into the month, there is Mother's Day. This is a holiday I was only able to celebrate twice with Rich...but how LOVED he made me feel. He always made me feel like being a mother was the hardest and most admired job. Then there was the precious day that our miracle son was born...May 19th. Although the doctors had finally said, "It is time to look into adoption" God miraculously made it happen!! I have never seen a prouder father as he held Ethan for the first time and every time after! Following his birthday, we always would take a family trip to Texas with the Heyroths for Memorial Day weekend. In between all of that there was also the busyness of wrapping up the school year, my mom's birthday, our own Mothers to celebrate, high school graduation and parties, soccer season ending hopefully by going to state, and almost always at least one wedding to top it all off. May was a month full of celebration and craziness! It continues to be both, but along with the fun times, my mind is flooded with all of the memories.
This has been a bit of an emotional month for me dealing with so much. One of the hardest things was going back up to Shawnee Heights to present three memorial scholarships in honor of Rich. Walking into the building and facing the staff, the parents, and students almost felt surreal. As I walked onto stage and presented those scholarships, I had a smile on my face, but my heart was aching inside. I could feel myself entering into the emotional detachment phase because I knew if I really allowed myself to feel, the tears may begin to fall. This is never good for me because it is often like a dam being released and they just keep coming and I knew I didn't have any kleenex and was not even waterproof mascara that night! :-) Yet, after I presented them, there was a huge relief that I felt, even a moment of just feeling proud of who he was and that I was able to called his wife...what an honor, even if for just a short time. I actually enjoyed greeting the students after it was done. (Though earlier, I had considered darting out of there after I presented so I didn't have to talk to anyone!) I was able to reconnect with a few and was SO thankful that I did. I think they needed it even more than I did. I'm hoping it is a testimony to others that I can carry on (not with perfection) but with hope because of HIM!! I often get a chance to share how I am doing and I can only honestly tell people I am doing okay because of God!
As I prepare to celebrate my baby's THIRD birthday tomorrow, I can't help but ache a little still that his father can not be with us. Some of the last pictures I have of them together are at his FIRST birthday party. It is unbelievable to me how much he has changed and, even without his daddy here, has miraculously taken on so many of his character traits and definitely his looks. I keep thinking I am over the emotional toll of it all, and yet as I sit here and type the tears are beginning to pour down my cheeks. My Lord has been SO faithful, SO loving, and taken SUCH good care of us...yet, that doesn't really make the pain disappear. It still exists and it still hurts. Thankfully, it is not an everyday experience anymore and I can see SO much healing in my life. Yet, I am beginning to think (and accept) that in THIS life on THIS earth, it will always exist a bit for me and there will always be some tears from time to time. I am so blessed to have a God that loves me enough to see me through these times and to continue to give me hope for what is to come!!
God continues to bless me and give me the strength to carry forward. He has given me such an amazing season of my life...the ability to stay home with my son and work odd jobs here and there to pay the bills. I am probably one of millions of single moms that ever have the privilege to do this. Because of this, I feel like I have been given more of a chance to deal with my grief in a healthy way and through a process without being rushed or pushing it aside as if it never happened. I have also had the chance to invest deeply in my son's life and to not take one day for granted with him. I love it!! I'm even pursuing a missions trip to Central Asia in the fall because I have the freedom to do something like that, and so I want so badly to give of my life and to share with others that there IS hope even after great loss. I'm not sure what my future holds, but I am beginning to make some "plans" but holding those loosely in the palm of my hand as I trust God with each step of the way. I will never again make a PLAN for my life and not be praying over it or think of it as my right or a guarantee. I am planning to go back to school and complete my RN. I'm so looking forward to pursuing this dream and can see SO many ways that I can use it in my future...not only to support myself and my son, but also to serve others and possibly even use overseas in missions someday.
So, even though there are still some hard and even tearful times in my life, I am confident that God will use even those to draw me closer to Him. I want to "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say, Rejoice!" because I know that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" (Phil. 4:4 & 13)
**Thank you for anyone who reads this that continues to pray for us. Your prayers are SO appreciated and although I am sure some have almost forgotten this has even taken place in my life, it is still so very real every day for me.
Lyrics sent to me just tonight as I was typing this new blog entry (Thanks, Dad!)
When Life Gets Broken
Hands reaching out
No one to hold
You've been abandoned
With no place to go
Wounded and wanting
Such desperate times
Cold bitter tears are filling your eyes
(Pre-Chorus)
Get a glimpse of Jesus
For He is right there with you
He knows just what you need
Chorus
When life gets broken
And you're in despair
He'll carry your burden
When it's too much to bear
It's down in the valley
Where He'll give you strength
And there is nothing you have lost
That He can't replace
He'll help you start all over again
When life gets broken
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