The Lord says, "Those who hope in me will not be disappointed." ~Isaiah 49:23
As I started out my morning with God, I stumbled upon this verse and was so encouraged! The past week of my life has been full of some hard decisions. Yet, God has continued to amaze me how He knows my every need and does NOT disappoint when I put my trust and hope in Him!! Last Thursday was an especially hard day, and yet once again, God took care of my every need and even reminded me He cared about the things that I don't really "need". As I was out walking with a friend at the lake sharing about my current struggles, a woman (I barely know!) walked by and said, "Elizabeth Heyroth! I prayed for you today. In fact, you are on my prayer list and I have been praying for you every day!" Wow--That was almost like God Himself reminding me that He cares! THEN, later that night, a couple friends of mine brought me a BEAUTIFUL bouquet of flowers "just because". I was literally just thinking how I missed getting flowers. Rich would spoil me rotten with them often and I just hate to spend the money on them for myself, so once again, God provides! Flowers are not even something I necessarily "need", but it was just a way of God showing me that He WILL fill that void in my life. When I have days of feeling like I live in such a "couples world" and I am all alone and missing out on that sweet companionship I so desire, HE takes care of it...sometimes with just His own presence, but often with people right here with skin on them to show me their love. What an amazing God we serve! I find that when I let go of trying to control my life and fill my own desires, HE does it for me and so much better too!
Parenting is still a challenge, but would be regardless if Rich were here or not! Ha! I do, however, SO long for times where I could just get a second opinion or just have someone else step in to be the one to say NO. There really is some power and influence in being a man in a little boys' eyes as well. It is amazing how Ethan will just dissolve at even a stern look from my dad. I AM so thankful that Ethan has Godly men through my dad and my father-in-law that he can look up to as he grows. We are still working through the no daddy factor as we age. Explaining Easter brought tears to my eyes as he wanted to know if daddy could come back to life just like Jesus. I said, "No, Daddy is not God." He said, "Then, will Jesus come live with us?" :-) I told him he already did! He was happy to hear that, but not quite convinced.
As we go through new challenging moments in parenting, I try to remember the sweet times so I can continue to patiently discipline through the rough times. Ethan is entering a new stage of wanting to do the exact opposite of EVERYTHING I say. I say, "yes" He says. "NO!" I turn right when driving and he says, "I wanted to go THAT way (pointing left!)" I say he needs to listen to me and he says, "I am the adult, you listen to ME!" It can be exhausting, but as I sit down to write about it tonight, it just makes me smile. I am SO thankful I have him in my life...all of the challenges just make ME rely more on God and OH the times I have probably said the same things to Him. I pray He would grant me with the same patience He has for me.
There have also been some pretty sweet moments that I treasure and wish I could just put life on pause as I enjoy my "bi-polar" child. (Not really, but WOW, he sure can turn it off and on!) At bedtime, he turns into the sweetest thing you would ever imagine. As we talk about our day and the best and worst thing that happened, he is always full of positives! It is such a reminder for me to view life through the eyes of a child. He often struggles to think of anything that was difficult that day. We then use these things to pray to God. He LOVES to pray for others too and often will thank God for almost everyone he knows. :-) Tonight, we went to the lake to watch the sun set (It was SO beautiful!!--I LOVE where I live!). As the pink spread across the lake, we were talking about all of the things around us that God made. Tonight, he looked very carefully across the water and pointed and said in a very excited voice, "I think I see God!" It was the sweetest moment. We DID see God in everything that surrounded us. It was really a precious time! Other things that make me laugh and stand in awe of God are when I see Rich SO much in Ethan. His looks, his mannerisms, and even his sense of humor. A few days ago, I heard him giggling and I went to find him and he was kind of sliding/rolling down the stairs. I asked him what he was doing and he said, "I am pretend falling down the stairs, mommy! It is fun! Real falling is not, but THIS is!" I could not believe my ears...seriously?! He has amazing little ears and may have picked up on a conversation about his daddy falling down the stairs for a laugh, but I am not sure. I just stood there and thought, I wonder if he is going to start snorting Jello next?! ;-)
As I continue to move forward in life, I WILL hold onto hope as I trust God with my life and especially Ethan's life. I KNOW He has good plans for us and I am excited to watch our lives unfold before me. I feel like I am FINALLY getting my identity back. It was seriously like my life had just been ripped away and I was left standing there with a baby in tow wondering, "What do I do now, God?!" I was fortunate enough to have studied a lot on finding my significance in God before all of this happened, but this was a HUGE test in that area. As a woman AND a people pleaser, this has never been an easy thing for me to completely grasp. But, I am thankful that God has not and will NEVER give up on me! And on the days that I think I just can't bare this pain anymore, I remember that this life is really just the wink of an eye compared to eternity. So, I will press on!! God is making everything new!
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ~Phil. 3:12
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Where to Begin?!!
Honestly, there is NO way I can cover the ups and downs of the past 10 weeks of my life in one short blog entry. I went through Valentine's Day, the beginning of a new season (Spring), and what would have been Rich's 32nd birthday. A second year without him. There were SO many other events that took place during this time too, and to be perfectly honest, I have not handled them all the way I would have liked. Overall, I have learned that I MUST stay so close to Christ and the people He has placed in my life that are seeking after Him. I have learned that I am so vulnerable to the ways of this world and that it is so easy and tempting to use anything but Christ to fill the void in my life that can ONLY be filled with HIM. I know that my identity is not in my loss of Rich, and that Christ has so much more ahead of me in this life, but it has been a real struggle lately to know that in my heart and not just my head. If I am completely honest, I can say that I am tired of talking about it. I am tired of being asked to speak about it, share about it, etc, etc, etc. There is MORE to me than that. Yet, I also know that God is STILL using my story and Rich's death to touch and reach others and that it is really never going away and will always be a part of me. God used that man in my life to teach me SO much about HIS character. He used our marriage to teach me what it means to really experience unconditional love and the work that it takes to make a relationship not only work, but succeed! For that, I will be forever thankful!!
I recently read a letter from Rich that he wrote to me when he presented me with a new guitar for an anniversary present. It was such a good reminder to me that I need to continue to work on and tweak my relationship with Christ just as I did in marriage. It is SO easy to get lazy. I never thought I would get to the point where I could go a day without being in the Word...it had truly become my source of life. But, somehow, it slowly slipped away and I began to fill my time and energy with being a mom, work, planning a future, people, housework, talking on the phone, getting on Facebook...anything BUT what I needed to be doing...spending time with the 1st love of my life! Rich gave me this letter during a kind of rough patch in our marriage when we were dealing with some hard issues. We were definitely past the "honeymoon stage" and had entered into the "this is for life and I don't always like you stage". If you are married, you know what I mean! :-)
To my Precious Elizabeth Ann:
I have let you know a little bit, but never completely, something that really made me sad, a little more than I let on. The day our apartment was broken into and my guitar was taken, I was pretty upset. I felt very grateful and blessed that you were not there when it happened, and that nothing was taken that could not be easily replaced. They were just "things" and could all be replaced. However, I was a little upset, as I have said, that my guitar was taken. The guitar was obviously very special to me. The reason for that is because I worked with it for a long time, and did things to make it just right. It had a great sound and was fun to play...it was perfect for me, but only after a lot of work. If I hadn't played it constantly, worked with it, tuned, tweaked, and repaired it wouldn't have sounded the way I wanted it to. And it was always getting better...had it not gotten stolen, I would have still been working with it. Bear with me as I write this; I write it in hopes that you will understand something and feel better about it after when I finish my thoughts....
I got you this guitar- originally as a 2nd anniversary gift, but it seemed appropriate to give it to you now- because I thought it was sort of symbolic of my relationship with you. Believe me...I am not comparing you or us to a guitar, other than one thing. You've probably been faced with this one question before, as I CONSTANTLY am: "What is the one best thing about married life?" To me, that is an incredibly hard question to answer, because there are so many wonderful things about being married to you... I won't even go into it right now or the list would be too long. I have decided that the single best thing about being married to you, Elizabeth Ann Heyroth, is that it keeps getting better. I have always been deeply in love with you, and it has always been an honor and pleasure to by your boyfriend, your best friend, and your husband. But, it has NEVER ONCE stopped getting better. It is like the guitar, in a way. It was wonderful when I first got it, but I kept making it better by taking time with it, playing with it, and investing time and effort into it. I feel the same way about you; obviously there are times when you and I get frustrated with each other, but the wonderful thing about that is that no matter how frustrated or angry or hurt we get 1) We love each other and it will always be okay in the end and 2) the investment of time, work, feelings, and emotions will continue to make our marriage better. Obviously there are some things we need to work on and refine, but with prayer and just working at it, God will bring us closer to one another and to Him.
The guitar was pretty special to me, not because it was given to me by anyone special, or because I am a huge music fanatic, but because I could invest time and effort into it and make something beautiful with it (which is why I generally choose to worship with it...) But, YOU and our marriage are EXTREMELY precious to me....and partly for the very same reason. I have enjoyed nothing better than growing with you, and growing closer to you. I know that it is not easy sometimes, and sometimes it even sucks. :-) But, I also know that our relationship is growing better even in spite of (and due to) some of these hard times. Elizabeth, I have not stopped falling in love with you since the day I first did; I fall in love with you again and again, day after day. Our marriage and my wife are extremely beautiful to me; even when you are not happy, or we are upset with each other, I love you and I love being married to you. And I know that it will continue to get better and better.
Elizabeth, I don't know if any of that made any sense; I KNOW it didn't come close to letting you know how precious you are to me. But what I DO want is for this guitar to symbolize that our marriage is something beautiful, and wonderful, and that it will only get better with time and investment. May we both use our marriage and our guitars to glorify our Lord. I love you, Elizabeth; more than the day I met you, more than the day I married you.
I have included this letter in my blog for a couple of reasons....first of all as a reminder to ME that my relationship with Christ is much like marriage. It takes time and work, but it just keeps getting better and better and is worth all of the time and effort put into it. I SO want to reflect Christ with every part of my life and want to draw others closer to Him, but I realize this is only possible when I am in close communion with Him. I am learning that my relationship with Christ really has little to do with circumstances and everything to do with communing with Him. I want to take everything to Him and faithfully follow Him, no matter what difficulties come my way. I read something today that was good for me to hear, The goodness of God is available, but He does not force-feed you." So, time to get back to truly nurturing my relationship with Him!
Secondly, I so desperately desire for Ethan to grow into a Godly man that pursues Christ in every area of his life. I know I have a huge responsibility to model this for him with my own life. It is still a struggle of mine to know that he is growing up without an earthly father in his life. Rich was such a great example of what it means to love the Lord, people and how to truly love, honor, and respect a wife or any woman for that matter. I pray that God will continue to fill that void in Ethan's life as well. Hopefully he can read some of the things his father wrote to me and SEE and experience what an amazing legacy he has to follow.
Soooo...time to press on in this race of life...
"I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus!" ~Phil 3:13-14
I recently read a letter from Rich that he wrote to me when he presented me with a new guitar for an anniversary present. It was such a good reminder to me that I need to continue to work on and tweak my relationship with Christ just as I did in marriage. It is SO easy to get lazy. I never thought I would get to the point where I could go a day without being in the Word...it had truly become my source of life. But, somehow, it slowly slipped away and I began to fill my time and energy with being a mom, work, planning a future, people, housework, talking on the phone, getting on Facebook...anything BUT what I needed to be doing...spending time with the 1st love of my life! Rich gave me this letter during a kind of rough patch in our marriage when we were dealing with some hard issues. We were definitely past the "honeymoon stage" and had entered into the "this is for life and I don't always like you stage". If you are married, you know what I mean! :-)
To my Precious Elizabeth Ann:
I have let you know a little bit, but never completely, something that really made me sad, a little more than I let on. The day our apartment was broken into and my guitar was taken, I was pretty upset. I felt very grateful and blessed that you were not there when it happened, and that nothing was taken that could not be easily replaced. They were just "things" and could all be replaced. However, I was a little upset, as I have said, that my guitar was taken. The guitar was obviously very special to me. The reason for that is because I worked with it for a long time, and did things to make it just right. It had a great sound and was fun to play...it was perfect for me, but only after a lot of work. If I hadn't played it constantly, worked with it, tuned, tweaked, and repaired it wouldn't have sounded the way I wanted it to. And it was always getting better...had it not gotten stolen, I would have still been working with it. Bear with me as I write this; I write it in hopes that you will understand something and feel better about it after when I finish my thoughts....
I got you this guitar- originally as a 2nd anniversary gift, but it seemed appropriate to give it to you now- because I thought it was sort of symbolic of my relationship with you. Believe me...I am not comparing you or us to a guitar, other than one thing. You've probably been faced with this one question before, as I CONSTANTLY am: "What is the one best thing about married life?" To me, that is an incredibly hard question to answer, because there are so many wonderful things about being married to you... I won't even go into it right now or the list would be too long. I have decided that the single best thing about being married to you, Elizabeth Ann Heyroth, is that it keeps getting better. I have always been deeply in love with you, and it has always been an honor and pleasure to by your boyfriend, your best friend, and your husband. But, it has NEVER ONCE stopped getting better. It is like the guitar, in a way. It was wonderful when I first got it, but I kept making it better by taking time with it, playing with it, and investing time and effort into it. I feel the same way about you; obviously there are times when you and I get frustrated with each other, but the wonderful thing about that is that no matter how frustrated or angry or hurt we get 1) We love each other and it will always be okay in the end and 2) the investment of time, work, feelings, and emotions will continue to make our marriage better. Obviously there are some things we need to work on and refine, but with prayer and just working at it, God will bring us closer to one another and to Him.
The guitar was pretty special to me, not because it was given to me by anyone special, or because I am a huge music fanatic, but because I could invest time and effort into it and make something beautiful with it (which is why I generally choose to worship with it...) But, YOU and our marriage are EXTREMELY precious to me....and partly for the very same reason. I have enjoyed nothing better than growing with you, and growing closer to you. I know that it is not easy sometimes, and sometimes it even sucks. :-) But, I also know that our relationship is growing better even in spite of (and due to) some of these hard times. Elizabeth, I have not stopped falling in love with you since the day I first did; I fall in love with you again and again, day after day. Our marriage and my wife are extremely beautiful to me; even when you are not happy, or we are upset with each other, I love you and I love being married to you. And I know that it will continue to get better and better.
Elizabeth, I don't know if any of that made any sense; I KNOW it didn't come close to letting you know how precious you are to me. But what I DO want is for this guitar to symbolize that our marriage is something beautiful, and wonderful, and that it will only get better with time and investment. May we both use our marriage and our guitars to glorify our Lord. I love you, Elizabeth; more than the day I met you, more than the day I married you.
I have included this letter in my blog for a couple of reasons....first of all as a reminder to ME that my relationship with Christ is much like marriage. It takes time and work, but it just keeps getting better and better and is worth all of the time and effort put into it. I SO want to reflect Christ with every part of my life and want to draw others closer to Him, but I realize this is only possible when I am in close communion with Him. I am learning that my relationship with Christ really has little to do with circumstances and everything to do with communing with Him. I want to take everything to Him and faithfully follow Him, no matter what difficulties come my way. I read something today that was good for me to hear, The goodness of God is available, but He does not force-feed you." So, time to get back to truly nurturing my relationship with Him!
Secondly, I so desperately desire for Ethan to grow into a Godly man that pursues Christ in every area of his life. I know I have a huge responsibility to model this for him with my own life. It is still a struggle of mine to know that he is growing up without an earthly father in his life. Rich was such a great example of what it means to love the Lord, people and how to truly love, honor, and respect a wife or any woman for that matter. I pray that God will continue to fill that void in Ethan's life as well. Hopefully he can read some of the things his father wrote to me and SEE and experience what an amazing legacy he has to follow.
Soooo...time to press on in this race of life...
"I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus!" ~Phil 3:13-14
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Waiting...
I just got done going in for the last tuck in of the night. I usually give Ethan some time to "read" and settle himself down and then go in for one last kiss and sometimes if he is really chatty, we talk for a bit before saying good night. Tonight, he was really into talking about eyes. It is so interesting how little kids get hung up on something and sometimes I can figure out where it came from, but it often seems like such a random thought to me. I'm sure there was something that led his mind down this trail, but who knows?! He was telling me that he had blue eyes and mommy had blue eyes and he continued on with Grandmother, Granddad, Nana, Papa, and finally daddy. I was surprised that he actually got them all right...green, blue, brown, blue, and blue. As I laid there listening to him continue on with blue doggie and watching him look at him and notice that his eyes were black, my mind wandered a bit as I thought of his daddy's blue eyes. Oh, his deep blue, almost always laughing or smiling blue eyes. They were what first attracted me to him. No, it was not what I first noticed. I actually remember meeting him and a bunch of his friends as he was snorting jello in the cafeteria at K-State and all the guys were SO impressed while the girls (esp. me) were grossed out! :-) At the time I didn't really care to know the guy, but somehow years later, he inched his way into my heart and I am so glad he did. However, I never let him forget about the jello!
Lately, I have been feeling as if life is still moving ahead and yet I am just kind of stuck, watching it all move forward...Ethan growing up and changing, married friends growing their families, single friends beginning new dating relationships, and here I am wondering what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I know that ultimately my purpose is to know and grow in my relationship with my Lord. But, what about the living on earth stuff. Part of that is so insignificant and doesn't really matter, but I almost feel like my life has just stopped a bit. Don't get me wrong...I still have so much hope as God fills my life with opportunities to invest in others' lives, build relationships, share about Him, and even grow in my own knowledge of Him. But, I guess I just wonder if this is it as far as having that special someone by my side to share in all of the joys and sorrows together. I have discovered there is still grief...getting away on the cruise was amazing! I was able to have some time to myself and to think through some things...to evaluate where I am at and what I want to do. Yet, as I looked back over the past couple of months, I could see where I had filled every free moment with something or someone...not allowing myself to feel lonely. As the grief becomes less intense, I am faced with the harsh reality of being ALONE! As I thought about it, I realized that I have NEVER lived alone. I went from home, to college with roommates, to marriage. I have always surrounded myself with people. I LOVE people. I love to be social and relational. Yet, I started wondering if I was using people as a crutch because I didn't want to face the loneliness and quietness and having no one there. I now have a child that lives with me that I love and adore and demands my attention. Yet, after I put him to bed, the house becomes quiet. I am not really into tv and so my options are the housework, other odd jobs, the computer, the phone, and reading. Thankfully my mom told us from a young age, "Boredom is a choice." I truly believe this and never really find myself becoming bored, but loneliness is something that can hit you even when you are busy doing three things at one time!
So now the questions begin...what AM I supposed to do from here? The big dating question has begun to surface and I have even gone on a few dates. Am I ready? That is a complicated question to answer. In some ways, I am SO ready. I LOVED being a wife. I think waiting is almost harder now because I know what it is like to be married and though it IS work and I have a better and more realistic view of it all now than when I was 23, I miss having my best friend by my side as I experience life through the ups and downs. Will I find a new best friend? I don't know. If not, I don't plan to get married again. Though I would love for my sweet boy to have a daddy and to grow my family, those are not good enough reasons to get married. God continues to take care of our needs in the most miraculous ways and put men in Ethan's path that love on him, rough house with him, teach and instruct him, and though (if I am 100% honest) if frightens me a bit to raise a boy on my own, I am trusting God with him. Whenever I start to feel like it is all on my shoulders, God reminds me that ultimately, Ethan is HIS child. God has given me a great responsibility, but not without His support. Even as I type this, I can still hear Ethan singing (quite loudly- ha) "Jesus loves me, ohhhh, yes he loves me" It just makes my heart fill with joy. God has used him so much to prove to me over and over again that He DOES have a hand in our lives and cares so deeply about our most intimate needs! What a blessing it is to have my sweet boy, a little piece of Rich, and to have faith like a child!!
My mind is just swirling with thoughts tonight and I don't feel like I am able to write them out very clearly. I just wanted to update my blog a bit to let Ethan know as he reads this someday as an adult, that God continues to work even in our confusion, in our waiting, and in our questions. We don't have to know all the answers. We just have to continue to step forward in faith and trust that He DOES have the answers and the best plan for our lives. So, I guess I kind of answered my own questions. :-) Funny how God does that when we just open our hearts to Him!
Lately, I have been feeling as if life is still moving ahead and yet I am just kind of stuck, watching it all move forward...Ethan growing up and changing, married friends growing their families, single friends beginning new dating relationships, and here I am wondering what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I know that ultimately my purpose is to know and grow in my relationship with my Lord. But, what about the living on earth stuff. Part of that is so insignificant and doesn't really matter, but I almost feel like my life has just stopped a bit. Don't get me wrong...I still have so much hope as God fills my life with opportunities to invest in others' lives, build relationships, share about Him, and even grow in my own knowledge of Him. But, I guess I just wonder if this is it as far as having that special someone by my side to share in all of the joys and sorrows together. I have discovered there is still grief...getting away on the cruise was amazing! I was able to have some time to myself and to think through some things...to evaluate where I am at and what I want to do. Yet, as I looked back over the past couple of months, I could see where I had filled every free moment with something or someone...not allowing myself to feel lonely. As the grief becomes less intense, I am faced with the harsh reality of being ALONE! As I thought about it, I realized that I have NEVER lived alone. I went from home, to college with roommates, to marriage. I have always surrounded myself with people. I LOVE people. I love to be social and relational. Yet, I started wondering if I was using people as a crutch because I didn't want to face the loneliness and quietness and having no one there. I now have a child that lives with me that I love and adore and demands my attention. Yet, after I put him to bed, the house becomes quiet. I am not really into tv and so my options are the housework, other odd jobs, the computer, the phone, and reading. Thankfully my mom told us from a young age, "Boredom is a choice." I truly believe this and never really find myself becoming bored, but loneliness is something that can hit you even when you are busy doing three things at one time!
So now the questions begin...what AM I supposed to do from here? The big dating question has begun to surface and I have even gone on a few dates. Am I ready? That is a complicated question to answer. In some ways, I am SO ready. I LOVED being a wife. I think waiting is almost harder now because I know what it is like to be married and though it IS work and I have a better and more realistic view of it all now than when I was 23, I miss having my best friend by my side as I experience life through the ups and downs. Will I find a new best friend? I don't know. If not, I don't plan to get married again. Though I would love for my sweet boy to have a daddy and to grow my family, those are not good enough reasons to get married. God continues to take care of our needs in the most miraculous ways and put men in Ethan's path that love on him, rough house with him, teach and instruct him, and though (if I am 100% honest) if frightens me a bit to raise a boy on my own, I am trusting God with him. Whenever I start to feel like it is all on my shoulders, God reminds me that ultimately, Ethan is HIS child. God has given me a great responsibility, but not without His support. Even as I type this, I can still hear Ethan singing (quite loudly- ha) "Jesus loves me, ohhhh, yes he loves me" It just makes my heart fill with joy. God has used him so much to prove to me over and over again that He DOES have a hand in our lives and cares so deeply about our most intimate needs! What a blessing it is to have my sweet boy, a little piece of Rich, and to have faith like a child!!
My mind is just swirling with thoughts tonight and I don't feel like I am able to write them out very clearly. I just wanted to update my blog a bit to let Ethan know as he reads this someday as an adult, that God continues to work even in our confusion, in our waiting, and in our questions. We don't have to know all the answers. We just have to continue to step forward in faith and trust that He DOES have the answers and the best plan for our lives. So, I guess I kind of answered my own questions. :-) Funny how God does that when we just open our hearts to Him!
"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." ~Psalm 27:14
"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope." ~Psalm 130:5
"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope." ~Psalm 130:5
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Cruisin' Along...
As I spend time tonight packing for my upcoming cruise, I am filled with a variety of emotions. I want so badly to be thrilled to enjoy such an amazing experience. Yet, there is a part of me that is so torn up inside. This was a trip that was "supposed" to be taken with my partner of ten years. We were so excited to dream big and start saving for our vacation and celebration of marriage. Not knowing what God had in store for us with family planning and all, we realized that this would have to be somewhat flexible, but the jar continued to be filled and as the mark grew closer, we were getting excited to think this was actually attainable!
Yet, like I said, I had no idea what God had in store for me. I am still so thrilled at the opportunity to go and to enjoy some time away with some dear girlfriends, but there is a part of me that is just aching inside as I think about Rich and how all of my "happy moments" were always so much happier when he was by my side. Rich used to always tell me that when he was away from me and experiencing something fun and exciting, he wished I could be there to experience it with him because it was always that much better with me by his side. I had to agree. There is something special about sharing those moments with the person on earth that you love the most! Awww...so as I think about this cruise, I am filled with such excitement and so much sadness all rolled into one. I want so badly to just enjoy it, and I think I will once I am on my way, but the process of preparing has been a difficult one.
Along with the mix of feelings, I am also experiencing guilt. I feel almost embarrassed to tell people I am going thinking that I should not be enjoying such an extravagant trip. So many people have expressed their genuine happiness and excitement for me and I know everyone wants me to have fun in life, but it is just hard to really accept all the good that has been given to me. I know others have trials and hardships too and I feel like so much attention has been poured out in my direction that others' pain and suffering may have been overlooked at times. I want everyone to experience the true love of the body of Christ and God's faithfulness in their lives as I have in my own. I want them to see what a mighty God we serve and remember that we all have trials, but God is capable of granting the grace to get through it ALL. I was reminded when meeting with a friend recently, how truly sheltered we Christians in America are to the real meaning of persecution and suffering. It is so commonplace in some areas of the world for Christians to be harassed, raped, beaten, and even killed just for claiming their love for Christ. And though I do not want to lose my mercy for others and their hardships, I want to keep my perspective clear on our eternal purpose on this earth and not get so caught up in these sufferings or my own "woe is me" moments. I want to be a martyr in the right sense of the word. I know God can be glorified even in my life as I experience the joy of traveling with friends on my cruise. Yet, I still struggle a bit with letting myself 100% truly enjoy moments. It is a sign to me that I have not completely let go of the grief in my life, even though I so desperately want to release it! It is a bit of a stronghold that I realize I need to give up to God because I don't want it to hold me back from living life and moving on with my life. I know God still has great plans for my future and it excites me so much when I see the way he continues to use me and work in my life. I am working on finding the balance of letting the grief go, and yet still allowing God to use my experience to reach others.
If I am completely honest, another emotion I am also experiencing as I plan to leave is a bit of fear. You would think with all that I have been through, I would learn to trust God with my life and the life of my son. Yet, I still struggle a bit as I think of leaving Ethan and the thought of what if I don't return. When I really think about it, I know that I am Not in control of my life and so I need to just let go and trust. But, I still have this motherly nature that does not want to see my son hurt or suffer if I have anything to say about it. I would rather lose him than have him go through the suffering of losing both parents. We have talked about me leaving and it is so hard because he gets all upset and doesn't want me to go. I know he will be fine and is being left in good hands, but I also fear a bit for his emotional well being. At one point this week, he said, "Mommy die too?" I wanted to cancel the cruise right then and there. Yet, I know from personal experience that it doesn't really matter if I am here in Topeka or across the world...God is in control! I told him those exact words, "God is in control, sweetheart, and he loves you very much!"
So, as I pack my bags to set sail on Sunday, I covet your prayers for a vacation that is filled with joy as I take time away to refresh my mind, body, and soul. I pray that my son will be secure in knowing that God loves him and that the time will pass quickly for him without fear or sadness of his mommy being away.
Yet, like I said, I had no idea what God had in store for me. I am still so thrilled at the opportunity to go and to enjoy some time away with some dear girlfriends, but there is a part of me that is just aching inside as I think about Rich and how all of my "happy moments" were always so much happier when he was by my side. Rich used to always tell me that when he was away from me and experiencing something fun and exciting, he wished I could be there to experience it with him because it was always that much better with me by his side. I had to agree. There is something special about sharing those moments with the person on earth that you love the most! Awww...so as I think about this cruise, I am filled with such excitement and so much sadness all rolled into one. I want so badly to just enjoy it, and I think I will once I am on my way, but the process of preparing has been a difficult one.
Along with the mix of feelings, I am also experiencing guilt. I feel almost embarrassed to tell people I am going thinking that I should not be enjoying such an extravagant trip. So many people have expressed their genuine happiness and excitement for me and I know everyone wants me to have fun in life, but it is just hard to really accept all the good that has been given to me. I know others have trials and hardships too and I feel like so much attention has been poured out in my direction that others' pain and suffering may have been overlooked at times. I want everyone to experience the true love of the body of Christ and God's faithfulness in their lives as I have in my own. I want them to see what a mighty God we serve and remember that we all have trials, but God is capable of granting the grace to get through it ALL. I was reminded when meeting with a friend recently, how truly sheltered we Christians in America are to the real meaning of persecution and suffering. It is so commonplace in some areas of the world for Christians to be harassed, raped, beaten, and even killed just for claiming their love for Christ. And though I do not want to lose my mercy for others and their hardships, I want to keep my perspective clear on our eternal purpose on this earth and not get so caught up in these sufferings or my own "woe is me" moments. I want to be a martyr in the right sense of the word. I know God can be glorified even in my life as I experience the joy of traveling with friends on my cruise. Yet, I still struggle a bit with letting myself 100% truly enjoy moments. It is a sign to me that I have not completely let go of the grief in my life, even though I so desperately want to release it! It is a bit of a stronghold that I realize I need to give up to God because I don't want it to hold me back from living life and moving on with my life. I know God still has great plans for my future and it excites me so much when I see the way he continues to use me and work in my life. I am working on finding the balance of letting the grief go, and yet still allowing God to use my experience to reach others.
If I am completely honest, another emotion I am also experiencing as I plan to leave is a bit of fear. You would think with all that I have been through, I would learn to trust God with my life and the life of my son. Yet, I still struggle a bit as I think of leaving Ethan and the thought of what if I don't return. When I really think about it, I know that I am Not in control of my life and so I need to just let go and trust. But, I still have this motherly nature that does not want to see my son hurt or suffer if I have anything to say about it. I would rather lose him than have him go through the suffering of losing both parents. We have talked about me leaving and it is so hard because he gets all upset and doesn't want me to go. I know he will be fine and is being left in good hands, but I also fear a bit for his emotional well being. At one point this week, he said, "Mommy die too?" I wanted to cancel the cruise right then and there. Yet, I know from personal experience that it doesn't really matter if I am here in Topeka or across the world...God is in control! I told him those exact words, "God is in control, sweetheart, and he loves you very much!"
So, as I pack my bags to set sail on Sunday, I covet your prayers for a vacation that is filled with joy as I take time away to refresh my mind, body, and soul. I pray that my son will be secure in knowing that God loves him and that the time will pass quickly for him without fear or sadness of his mommy being away.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Another Miracle Moment(s)!!
Once again, God never ceases to amaze me with His provision and care of my life. As I called around comparing prices for tires for my car today, I was a little surprised at the actual cost of the whole process of buying and installing four new tires. My dad had warned me, but with my couponing and bargaining ways, I hoped I could find a better deal than what he had estimated. Before Christmas, some friends of mine had sent me a gift card to Sears to use "as needed" or to use to buy gifts. Such a thoughtful and timely gift (esp. since they knew nothing about my tire needs). I held on to it and decided I would use it towards tires if I could get a good deal through Sears. Well, then when I got back from Texas, my parents gave me an anonymous gift card from someone for $100 more dollars! I was amazed at the generosity of these people in my life and starting to feel very confident that the tires were going to be purchased soon. THEN, today, I went out to my mailbox and there was a card with an anonymous $500 gift! AMAZING! I just stood at the mailbox and started to cry and laugh at the same time. This may sound a bit crazy because I know it was just someone who truly loves our Lord enough to give so generously, but one of the reasons I cried immediately was because there was a short sweet note inside and the handwriting looked JUST like Rich's. It said, "God's strength and love are evident in your life- you have brought Him much glory!" It was SO encouraging to me and gave me just what I needed to continue pressing on towards the finish line. God is SO faithful, SO loving, SO caring, SO just, SO patient, SO perfect and I am SO thankful I have a relationship with Him!!
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Carrying on...
I am beginning to notice that time is starting to fly by again as it once did before in my life. There was a time when the onset of grief began that I wondered how I would ever make it to the next hour, let alone the next day. I suppose I should be thrilled that my life is returning to routine and filled with busy day-to-day activities, work, and play. On one hand, I AM so thankful that I can function this way again without grief consuming my every thought and moment. Yet, there is a part of me that feels almost sad or guilty to let it go. I never wanted grief to become my identity and I fought so hard against that, but there is a part of it that has forever changed me. I hope that it has softened me, made me more aware of others' needs and losses. I hope that God will continue to use my loss in my life to shape me and mold me into His perfect plan for my life. My prayer is that my suffering and tragedy in my life will forever keep me wholly dependent on my Lord. It is so easy to fall back into my self-sufficient ways, and yet, I know that without Him being a part of my every thought and action, I am nothing.
Just as my son is a thinker, I also find myself thinking. In fact, I sometimes wish I could stop thinking. I remember talking to Rich one time about what goes through his mind and the different ways that men and women think about things. He tended to pull out one drawer at a time and think about it and then shut that drawer and move on to another idea. Whereas I usually have at least three or four drawers open at a time thinking about several things and never being able to have a moment where the ideas are ever completely put away. I was completely dumbfounded at the idea that there were times that my husband could really be not thinking about anything at all. My mind is ALWAYS going and at times it can just be exhausting. Lately, I often find myself thinking about the future. I have often taken to heart the verse from II Cor. 10:5 about taking every thought captive. It seems like in every season of my life I have had something that seems to consume my thoughts. I find myself often struggling with worries about my future that I had in my early twenties. It is so strange to feel as if I have lived life and yet I am being transported back to that season of my life. Now I have a lot of life experiences such as college, marriage, career, parenting that I have already experienced and yet I am in some ways starting over. I am contemplating going back to college, possibly getting married again someday, having a new career, and yet all while still being a parent and so desperately missing what seemed to already be my "dream life". I find myself constantly struggling with the question of "what now?"
Yet, in some ways, God has made it SO very clear that I am to continue to embrace this season of my life. He has somehow miraculously provided a way for me to continue to be home with my precious son and invest in his life as well as take the time to learn, read, and grow in my knowledge of who HE is. What an incredible blessing it is to have this time. I pray that I do not waste a moment of it, but use it wisely to prepare for what could possibly be harder seasons ahead in my life. Learning to be content in every and all circumstances is still a daily battle, but there are definitely days that I am able to give that up to Him so much easier than others.
Ethan continues to make passing comments about daddy, but his emotions have lessened and the shock of hearing it has lessened for me as well. I do feel bad for every male friend I have in my life because he often brings it up first thing when he meets someone new. For example, the other day he met a friend of mine and I introduced them. Immediately Ethan said, "My daddy is not here anymore." My heart sank as I thought how hard it must be for Ethan to just not understand why all of these other kids seem to have a daddy and he does not. Thankfully, my friend (though a bit shocked) was quick to respond, "I know and I'm sorry, but it will be okay." as he immediately picked him up. Most of my friends are very sensitive to him about it all and, once again, I feel so blessed that God has surrounded me with Godly men that will be such a good example to Ethan as he grows.
As another Christmas passed, I was surprised how much easier it was to actually enjoy the Christmas season this year. The things that would have brought me to tears last year, often caused me to just sigh and even smile as I remembered special memories that I shared with my sweetheart. Some of the traditions I decided to carry on with family and even some with new friends. I also decided to begin some new ones and was surprised how much fun I really had this past month. One thing I had to let go, for now, was the Christmas letter. This was always something that Rich did and though I did it last year, I just knew it would take too much out of me emotionally. I planned to go ahead and send my update and pictures around Valentine's Day instead which removed some of the stress of time crunch and budgeting for it as well! Ethan and I enjoyed Christmas with my extended family here in Topeka and then took off for Texas Christmas day to enjoy five days in TX with the Heyroths. It was a very fun time and I was thankful that we were all able to be together. In the past I have come away from our time together and really struggled with almost a bout of depression each time. I was very thankful that this time I came home feeling refreshed and thankful for God's continual healing of my heart.
I was also, once again, overwhelmed at the incredible generosity and thoughtfulness of my dear, precious friends! I was basically showered with cards of encouragement and notes that people were praying for me this Christmas. Again, many people enclosed gift cards from Sonic to Starbucks and even the Christian bookstore. Another card was from a group of friends who are taking care of installing a new garage door. Being one that is not so good at accepting things or help from others, let's just say this past year and a half have been INCREDIBLY humbling! I have learned so much about what it means to be an encourager through these people in my life. I have learned what it means to give without expecting anything in return and what it truly means to be a part of the body of Christ. I feel like they are truly my family! I still get tears in my eyes as I think about how well I have been loved and cared for through it all. Though I could never repay everyone for what they have done for me, I know they will be richly rewarded someday and I can't wait to see them lay their crowns at Jesus' feet!
As I think about entering into a New year, my prayer is that I will continue to learn what it means to have "Perfect Trust" in my God. I read this just today, "True contentment is simply a matter of trust--trusting God despite our situation, and accepting and finding satisfaction in whatever He gives us." and I would take that one step further and just say finding satisfaction in just knowing Him and being perfectly loved by Him. He truly has a way (though I don't really understand it) of meeting all of my needs and doing it so much better than I could ever even if I tried! He alone is worthy of our worship and praise.
Just as my son is a thinker, I also find myself thinking. In fact, I sometimes wish I could stop thinking. I remember talking to Rich one time about what goes through his mind and the different ways that men and women think about things. He tended to pull out one drawer at a time and think about it and then shut that drawer and move on to another idea. Whereas I usually have at least three or four drawers open at a time thinking about several things and never being able to have a moment where the ideas are ever completely put away. I was completely dumbfounded at the idea that there were times that my husband could really be not thinking about anything at all. My mind is ALWAYS going and at times it can just be exhausting. Lately, I often find myself thinking about the future. I have often taken to heart the verse from II Cor. 10:5 about taking every thought captive. It seems like in every season of my life I have had something that seems to consume my thoughts. I find myself often struggling with worries about my future that I had in my early twenties. It is so strange to feel as if I have lived life and yet I am being transported back to that season of my life. Now I have a lot of life experiences such as college, marriage, career, parenting that I have already experienced and yet I am in some ways starting over. I am contemplating going back to college, possibly getting married again someday, having a new career, and yet all while still being a parent and so desperately missing what seemed to already be my "dream life". I find myself constantly struggling with the question of "what now?"
Yet, in some ways, God has made it SO very clear that I am to continue to embrace this season of my life. He has somehow miraculously provided a way for me to continue to be home with my precious son and invest in his life as well as take the time to learn, read, and grow in my knowledge of who HE is. What an incredible blessing it is to have this time. I pray that I do not waste a moment of it, but use it wisely to prepare for what could possibly be harder seasons ahead in my life. Learning to be content in every and all circumstances is still a daily battle, but there are definitely days that I am able to give that up to Him so much easier than others.
Ethan continues to make passing comments about daddy, but his emotions have lessened and the shock of hearing it has lessened for me as well. I do feel bad for every male friend I have in my life because he often brings it up first thing when he meets someone new. For example, the other day he met a friend of mine and I introduced them. Immediately Ethan said, "My daddy is not here anymore." My heart sank as I thought how hard it must be for Ethan to just not understand why all of these other kids seem to have a daddy and he does not. Thankfully, my friend (though a bit shocked) was quick to respond, "I know and I'm sorry, but it will be okay." as he immediately picked him up. Most of my friends are very sensitive to him about it all and, once again, I feel so blessed that God has surrounded me with Godly men that will be such a good example to Ethan as he grows.
As another Christmas passed, I was surprised how much easier it was to actually enjoy the Christmas season this year. The things that would have brought me to tears last year, often caused me to just sigh and even smile as I remembered special memories that I shared with my sweetheart. Some of the traditions I decided to carry on with family and even some with new friends. I also decided to begin some new ones and was surprised how much fun I really had this past month. One thing I had to let go, for now, was the Christmas letter. This was always something that Rich did and though I did it last year, I just knew it would take too much out of me emotionally. I planned to go ahead and send my update and pictures around Valentine's Day instead which removed some of the stress of time crunch and budgeting for it as well! Ethan and I enjoyed Christmas with my extended family here in Topeka and then took off for Texas Christmas day to enjoy five days in TX with the Heyroths. It was a very fun time and I was thankful that we were all able to be together. In the past I have come away from our time together and really struggled with almost a bout of depression each time. I was very thankful that this time I came home feeling refreshed and thankful for God's continual healing of my heart.
I was also, once again, overwhelmed at the incredible generosity and thoughtfulness of my dear, precious friends! I was basically showered with cards of encouragement and notes that people were praying for me this Christmas. Again, many people enclosed gift cards from Sonic to Starbucks and even the Christian bookstore. Another card was from a group of friends who are taking care of installing a new garage door. Being one that is not so good at accepting things or help from others, let's just say this past year and a half have been INCREDIBLY humbling! I have learned so much about what it means to be an encourager through these people in my life. I have learned what it means to give without expecting anything in return and what it truly means to be a part of the body of Christ. I feel like they are truly my family! I still get tears in my eyes as I think about how well I have been loved and cared for through it all. Though I could never repay everyone for what they have done for me, I know they will be richly rewarded someday and I can't wait to see them lay their crowns at Jesus' feet!
As I think about entering into a New year, my prayer is that I will continue to learn what it means to have "Perfect Trust" in my God. I read this just today, "True contentment is simply a matter of trust--trusting God despite our situation, and accepting and finding satisfaction in whatever He gives us." and I would take that one step further and just say finding satisfaction in just knowing Him and being perfectly loved by Him. He truly has a way (though I don't really understand it) of meeting all of my needs and doing it so much better than I could ever even if I tried! He alone is worthy of our worship and praise.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
The journey continues...
It is hard to know where to start after being away from blogging for SO long. I stepped away for multiple reasons...mostly I just found myself caught up in the busyness of life and didn't feel I had the energy to catch up on one more thing. It was almost overwhelming to know where to begin as God continued to show and teach me things daily in my life. Yet, I also want so desperately for Ethan to see the progress and the way that God continues to work in our lives each step of the way. The other reason was that I had a bit of a "freak out" moment about sharing my heart so openly with the world. It can be hard to be vulnerable with others and yet God has continued to bring me back to verses about the importance of Christian fellowship and sharing your burdens and encouraging one another. Selfishly, I know people are praying for me and that God has used this blog to help others to know how to specifically pray for me and Ethan and, as much as my prideful self wants to do it on my own, I NEED others in my life to help me along the way! So, here I am again! :-)
Where do I begin?! This past month has been full of ups and downs. As I approach a second holiday season without Rich here by my side, I see that I am so much stronger in some ways, and yet, I have a new hurt that eats away at my heart daily as I go to battle against Satan's lies. I am experiencing so much joy in enjoying this season through the eyes of my two and a half year old. It is hard to not enjoy every moment when he is SO excited about every detail. As he looks around with his eyes wide and says, "Christmas everywhere!" it just makes me smile. He is also very excited about making a strawberry birthday cake for Jesus and was asking every day if it was Christmas yet. We made some advent rings and this has helped with containing a few of the never-ending questions. :-) Every day I still feel SO thankful that God blessed me with a child and that I have him by my side to go through this journey together. Most days, he teaches me probably more than I teach him. It is a blessing how God uses children in your life to strip you of your selfish ways and to teach one how to serve. Yet, along with his new love for questions comes so many hard ones to answer...
Lately he has been very obsessed with daddy. It just breaks my heart as he sees other kids with their daddy and then says, "I want a new daddy." The first time he said this, I just stood there with nothing to say until finally God prompted me to remind him that he DOES have a daddy--God--and that He is looking out for him and loves him very much. I am not sure how much that makes sense or if it is too abstract for his mind, but it IS truth and that is all I can give him at this point. He still will often talk about his daddy dying and going to heaven, but lately it has been more of a desire to just want one here and now. It hurts every time he brings it up, but I try to stay positive. He definitely has a need for men in his life. I am very thankful that he does have Godly men that can be around. He is quick to want to imitate their every move and I can see the importance of always choosing wisely whom I do let him spend time with because even at just two and a half, he is very easily influenced by the actions of those men in his life. He still loves his mommy, but that has also become a bit of an issue as he has begun to bring up the fact that his mommy may go to heaven too. Sometimes I wish he wasn't such a thinker. One day he was just sitting there with his hand on his chin and I asked him what he was doing. He said, "I'm thinking." I asked him what he was thinking about and he said, "how much I love my mommy" It was SO sweet! He really is a gift from God! :-)
This past month has been filled with moments like these as I learn how to process grief through the mind of a toddler. It has brought back to the surface some of my own feelings and questions that I thought I had already given up to God and laid at His feet. As Christmas approaches, I very much miss my family unit! I feel a very deep onset of loneliness that can not be filled with time with others, but only by my heavenly Father. As the cards with family pictures arrive, I struggle with wanting so much to have joy for my friends and their growing families. I find myself longing to want to expand my own family, and yet missing a very important person to make that happen. I found myself crying my way through adoption Sunday a couple of weeks ago as I looked at those kids and thought how desperately I would love to give them a home, but knowing I didn't have a complete family unit as it was. I remind myself that God IS faithful and that we may experience that again in our lives, but praying for complete contentment in the moment and where He has us now. There are days that I am SO thankful for where we are at and how FAR God has brought us. I also think sometimes that it would just be too complicated to add that other person in our lives. We are doing quite fine on our own (with the grace of God!).
I have to constantly fill my mind with truth or I am attacked with lies with Satan about my future. I also have learned that I must live day to day and though I have a rough draft written out for how I think my future may go, I realize that God is the editor and may take it in a completely different direction! For now, I am learning what it truly means to let God be my husband and a father to my son. When I let Him, He really DOES meet all of my needs. When I choose to trust Him completely and pour my heart out to Him, He fills my heart back up and allows me to see that ultimately He is the ONLY one that can meet my every need and that He is not going anywhere. I have a new theme verse for my life as I fight against the distractions of this world...my ultimate purpose is to know Him!!
"For my determined purpose is that I may know Him, that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly." Phil 3:10 (AV)
So, as I face another holiday season, my prayer is that I will let HIM fill my heart with joy and not try to use other people or things or events or parties to take His place. He is more than Enough to satisfy me!!
Where do I begin?! This past month has been full of ups and downs. As I approach a second holiday season without Rich here by my side, I see that I am so much stronger in some ways, and yet, I have a new hurt that eats away at my heart daily as I go to battle against Satan's lies. I am experiencing so much joy in enjoying this season through the eyes of my two and a half year old. It is hard to not enjoy every moment when he is SO excited about every detail. As he looks around with his eyes wide and says, "Christmas everywhere!" it just makes me smile. He is also very excited about making a strawberry birthday cake for Jesus and was asking every day if it was Christmas yet. We made some advent rings and this has helped with containing a few of the never-ending questions. :-) Every day I still feel SO thankful that God blessed me with a child and that I have him by my side to go through this journey together. Most days, he teaches me probably more than I teach him. It is a blessing how God uses children in your life to strip you of your selfish ways and to teach one how to serve. Yet, along with his new love for questions comes so many hard ones to answer...
Lately he has been very obsessed with daddy. It just breaks my heart as he sees other kids with their daddy and then says, "I want a new daddy." The first time he said this, I just stood there with nothing to say until finally God prompted me to remind him that he DOES have a daddy--God--and that He is looking out for him and loves him very much. I am not sure how much that makes sense or if it is too abstract for his mind, but it IS truth and that is all I can give him at this point. He still will often talk about his daddy dying and going to heaven, but lately it has been more of a desire to just want one here and now. It hurts every time he brings it up, but I try to stay positive. He definitely has a need for men in his life. I am very thankful that he does have Godly men that can be around. He is quick to want to imitate their every move and I can see the importance of always choosing wisely whom I do let him spend time with because even at just two and a half, he is very easily influenced by the actions of those men in his life. He still loves his mommy, but that has also become a bit of an issue as he has begun to bring up the fact that his mommy may go to heaven too. Sometimes I wish he wasn't such a thinker. One day he was just sitting there with his hand on his chin and I asked him what he was doing. He said, "I'm thinking." I asked him what he was thinking about and he said, "how much I love my mommy" It was SO sweet! He really is a gift from God! :-)
This past month has been filled with moments like these as I learn how to process grief through the mind of a toddler. It has brought back to the surface some of my own feelings and questions that I thought I had already given up to God and laid at His feet. As Christmas approaches, I very much miss my family unit! I feel a very deep onset of loneliness that can not be filled with time with others, but only by my heavenly Father. As the cards with family pictures arrive, I struggle with wanting so much to have joy for my friends and their growing families. I find myself longing to want to expand my own family, and yet missing a very important person to make that happen. I found myself crying my way through adoption Sunday a couple of weeks ago as I looked at those kids and thought how desperately I would love to give them a home, but knowing I didn't have a complete family unit as it was. I remind myself that God IS faithful and that we may experience that again in our lives, but praying for complete contentment in the moment and where He has us now. There are days that I am SO thankful for where we are at and how FAR God has brought us. I also think sometimes that it would just be too complicated to add that other person in our lives. We are doing quite fine on our own (with the grace of God!).
I have to constantly fill my mind with truth or I am attacked with lies with Satan about my future. I also have learned that I must live day to day and though I have a rough draft written out for how I think my future may go, I realize that God is the editor and may take it in a completely different direction! For now, I am learning what it truly means to let God be my husband and a father to my son. When I let Him, He really DOES meet all of my needs. When I choose to trust Him completely and pour my heart out to Him, He fills my heart back up and allows me to see that ultimately He is the ONLY one that can meet my every need and that He is not going anywhere. I have a new theme verse for my life as I fight against the distractions of this world...my ultimate purpose is to know Him!!
"For my determined purpose is that I may know Him, that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly." Phil 3:10 (AV)
So, as I face another holiday season, my prayer is that I will let HIM fill my heart with joy and not try to use other people or things or events or parties to take His place. He is more than Enough to satisfy me!!
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