Great loss = Great gain

If I am completely honest with myself and others, I can say that I am dreading the coming week. The memories are always there, but there is something about the actual season and dates that roll around that bring back emotions and feelings that I usually don't deal with on a day to day basis. I can still so vividly remember the phone call, the pit in my stomach, and the LONG wait as the search began. I knew from the very beginning that it was not going to end well, but one always holds on to a little hope that maybe, just maybe your loved one will be the one in a million that pulls through.

Yet, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace from the very beginning that God is SO much bigger than my little view of life and that whatever happens, HE would sustain me through it all. And He has!! Don't get me wrong, there have been tears, and times where I even sobbed to the point of wanting to throw up and questions of how will I ever make it...raising a son on my own without his daddy just left me with a VERY unsettled feeling over and over again. And, losing that one person that knew me better than anyone on this earth and loved me in spite of knowing everything about me, was completely heartbreaking. Even as I write this, my eyes tear up and my throat tightens as I try to fight back the urge to let them fall. It was a GREAT loss! And, yet, August 5th, 2007, on that very hot summer night, I remember praying that whatever happens, that if he WAS gone, than to just not let it be in vain. I remember praying that God would use this HUGELY in my life to change me and everyone around me...to the far stretches of the world!

Well, HE has answered that prayer over and over again!! I have seen lives changed and heard countless stories from others (whom I even barely know) that have seen lives changed because of this great loss. People who have come to know Christ personally and others who have recommitted their lives to Christ. I have had numerous opportunities to speak (something I NEVER desired to do) and God has used that to reach others as well as draw me so much closer to Him as I HAD to trust Him through it all. My life has been changed beyond what I could have ever asked or imagined. I have seen the body of Christ TRULY become family to me and support me in every way possible. From food, to lawn mowing, to financially, to flowers, to gifts for Ethan and me, to cards, to home improvements, to most importantly prayers...I have been looked after!

I have learned that I am more vulnerable than ever if I am not faithfully in the Word. I have learned weaknesses about myself that I never even knew existed before. The ugliness of pride, selfishness, jealousy, and others have come to the surface as I have faced new challenges of living on my own this past couple of years. Going from living with my parents to college with roommates to marriage with a spouse, I have never experienced what it means to be alone....really alone! Yes, I DO have a three year old, so granted, I don't have a LOT of alone time....but not living with another person at the same stage of life has been a completely new and challenging experience for me. I've battled the balance between loneliness and busyness...the urge to fill every moment so I would not have to face the silence. Yet God has prevailed, even when I have failed. He's always there just waiting for me to trust and rely on Him once again!! And this fall, He has even opened up the opportunity for me to share my life in the far stretches of the world...just as I prayed that hot summer night. I get to go share with others who have also experienced great loss about how we can still have SO much hope and joy in life through knowing Him. What an amazing God we serve!!

So, as Aug. 5th, 2009 approaches, yes, there are feelings of anxiousness as I think about the memories of that night. There are always emotions that flood me as I approach a birthday, anniversary, holiday, or big event. Yet, the actual day of the event, I am filled with an overwhelming sense of peace...and I KNOW that is because others are praying for me and Ethan. Prayer IS so effective in our lives!! So, thanks for the prayers! Thanks for loving us so well though our loss! Please continue to pray that our loss will be God's great gain!!! After all, our purpose is to bring HIM glory!!

This song puts it better than I could ever put it into words...

Bring on the Rain