"Great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies."
~Psalm 108:4
Today, I attacked the big dark hole that only a handful of people in my life have even been allowed to see since Rich left this world...the office. I am embarrassed to admit it, but I have honestly not cleaned that little room off of my bedroom for almost two years! Little by little I was able to go on with every part of my life, but this was Rich's room...everything about it breathed him.
He surprised me when I was away on a trip to N. Carolina visiting my sister. I came home to a big hole in my bedroom wall and an unfinished area that used to be an attic above the garage that he said was our new office. He was so excited and proud of the fact he was going to take on this project that I couldn't be mad...but oh my, what an undertaking it was! The thing I loved (and honestly sometimes annoyed me greatly) about Rich was that he always thought he could do things himself and if he didn't know how, he would learn. Well, the room DID get finished. (I believe it took about four years, but who was counting?!) :-) We both learned a lot and though it could still use a lot of work (like the doorway that still needs to be framed, etc.) but it was HIS and he was proud of it. I surprised him one day while he was at work when I was VERY pregnant and decided to not sub that day by decorating the room with everything he loved. I hung the Texas flag in the corner and filled the walls and bookshelves with his special things. He was a very eclectic guy loving everything from fishing to golf. He loved history and learning and had a passion for people. He was a city boy and yet a cowboy at heart and had notebooks full of everything from songbooks for guitar playing to research on cows to his crazy Henry Hoch letters. (long story, you'll have to ask) He loved all athletics and pretty much was INTO whatever sport was in season, playing and coaching and watching. So, anyway, this room was his and reflected him...the recliner in the corner for his down time, the computer, movies, and books and more books. And then, of course, there was the corner full of Ebay stuff. Let's just say he had a bit of an addiction selling and buying on Ebay. It was actually quite profitable, but could become a bit ridiculous at times. To make this point a little more clear, my mailman actually wrote me a card when Rich died because we were on a first name basis due to us getting so many packages. I write all of this to share the impact of how stepping into this room has been hard for me. Yet, I did it day in and day out to check my email, work on paperwork, relax in the recliner with a good book of my own, and at the beginning just sit and cry, no let's be honest, sob!
The thing that is so amazing about it all is that this room has carried SO many emotions and yet today, I woke up feeling that it was time! Not a doubt in my mind...just peace. By afternoon, I was able to begin actually working on it due to a few other errands and needs that had to be met that day first. As I began to go through the piles (and yes, there were some BIG piles) of books, paperwork, pictures, etc, it was so encouraging. I honestly can't believe I am admitting to anyone that I had a room that was so messy in my life, but it was just too overwhelming emotionally before to even want to do anything about it. I would often walk in there with blinders on and walk right back out. Other times I would go in and just soak it in and cry. Other times I would go in there and be so ashamed, I would just leave feeling guilty that I had this in my life.
Well, as I went through things today, I was amazed at how much God has truly healed my heart and how much I have learned over the past couple of years about myself and even more importantly, my God. As I ran across things and pictures so many memories flooded my mind. I found myself laughing at things that I know would have annoyed me many years ago. How trivial things seem in hindsight. I prayed immediately that if God ever granted me the privilege of being a wife again, I would never forget this and that I would embrace everything that made my husband different than myself...how He uses that to make us more complete!! I often found myself giggling at quirky things I would find that belonged to Rich and know at one time I would have been a little frustrated at the many Ebay items he had purchased or the latest hobby he had decided to get into, but now I just appreciate that he really knew how to live life to the fullest and enjoyed every part of it! I found CDs full of collections of favorite songs and I have enjoyed listening to them throughout the evening as I sorted through things.
THEN, I came across the pile of things I had made...everything from death certificates to many many to-do lists. I was blown away by all that I had actually accomplished the weeks after his death and know that only with God's strength and SO many people pouring their lives into me was I able to get through it all. The strange part about it all is that even this pile did not bring me tears, but instead was encouraging to me as I can remember the feelings I experienced two years ago in August...the feeling of knowing what it could possibly be like to die of a broken heart, feeling so hurt that I could not even put it into words, but just cry myself to sleep night after night and hope that maybe I would just wake up in the arms of Jesus, the feeling of such desperation that I would literally read book after book of the Bible just so I could fill my mind with truth and hope and though I could not sleep much, still feeling rested and full of hope every morning...knowing that God WOULD carry me through one more day and that I could be strong to love on my son and show him God's love. And there are the pile of books on grief...wow! I think I have a whole library now just of those! Yet, I read every one and some of them more than once. I came across notes and the many many verses I posted all over my office and bathroom mirror as reminders of TRUTH and God's promises. I am still overwhelmed by how God used so many people and is STILL using people in my life to carry me forward. It is encouraging to me that going through some of Rich's most intimate things brought not sadness, but a smile to my face and made me think he DID live a full life. So many people think his life was cut short, and yet, I think he lived a fuller life in his 30 years than many do in 100 years. I can see his place in my life as such a blessing and lessons learned from having him as a part of my life. Thank you, Lord!
*Though I am not done with the office, a HUGE dent has been made and I am looking forward to making it my own personal space soon...a place where I can go as my sweet retreat from the busyness of life!
"I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." ~Eph. 3:17-19
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
An effort to praise YOU
Today would have been the day I celebrated NINE years of marriage to Rich Heyroth. I woke up WIDE awake at five am with my mind going full speed ahead. Strangely, and yet not really, I feel a lot of peace. I know that is God just reminding me that I can trust Him that today is going to be a good day, in spite of my missing person that should be laying beside me in my bed this morning. As I am sitting here listening to the rain, I am reminded of some lyrics from a group I used to listen to way back in college, Watermark...
I wish I could roll like the thunder, to leave the earth below in wonder
In effort to praise You
I wish I could fall like the summer rain and every drop would sing Your name
In effort to praise You
In effort to praise You
But I'm such a limited creature
And my words can only paint so many pictures
But somewhere I'm sure I read that I am treasured over all creation
So I know that I must try
Gloria, glory in the highest
Forever I will hide myself in Thee
Oh, gloria
Glory in the highest
Forever I will hide myself in Thee
So, I WILL try to praise Him with all that I am and all that is within me because I still have SO much to praise Him for each and every day!
Thank you, Lord, for the seven years of marriage I WAS given and all that you taught me about love and our limited view of what it means to love someone unconditionally truly means. Though I may have only been given seven years of marriage with an incredible man, I would have rather had seven than none at all. Thank you for using Rich in my life to draw me closer to you and helping me see that it is truly only YOU that can fill me up completely and no human will ever meet that need. Thanks for the bonus love I DID receive from him and the many many ways he spoiled me and taught me not to be so legalistic with my relationship with YOU...reminding me often that he, like you, loved me because of WHO I was and not what I did. Thank you for teaching me to trust you more and more each day with every detail of my life. Lord you ARE glorious!! You are bigger and more majestic than I could ever imagine and I truly want to fall flat on my face when I think of coming before you. And yet, also, every ounce within me wants to get up and shout and dance and sing to you because You ARE an awesome God and I love you with every piece of my heart!!
Gloria!!
I wish I could roll like the thunder, to leave the earth below in wonder
In effort to praise You
I wish I could fall like the summer rain and every drop would sing Your name
In effort to praise You
In effort to praise You
But I'm such a limited creature
And my words can only paint so many pictures
But somewhere I'm sure I read that I am treasured over all creation
So I know that I must try
Gloria, glory in the highest
Forever I will hide myself in Thee
Oh, gloria
Glory in the highest
Forever I will hide myself in Thee
So, I WILL try to praise Him with all that I am and all that is within me because I still have SO much to praise Him for each and every day!
Thank you, Lord, for the seven years of marriage I WAS given and all that you taught me about love and our limited view of what it means to love someone unconditionally truly means. Though I may have only been given seven years of marriage with an incredible man, I would have rather had seven than none at all. Thank you for using Rich in my life to draw me closer to you and helping me see that it is truly only YOU that can fill me up completely and no human will ever meet that need. Thanks for the bonus love I DID receive from him and the many many ways he spoiled me and taught me not to be so legalistic with my relationship with YOU...reminding me often that he, like you, loved me because of WHO I was and not what I did. Thank you for teaching me to trust you more and more each day with every detail of my life. Lord you ARE glorious!! You are bigger and more majestic than I could ever imagine and I truly want to fall flat on my face when I think of coming before you. And yet, also, every ounce within me wants to get up and shout and dance and sing to you because You ARE an awesome God and I love you with every piece of my heart!!
Gloria!!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
A Love Letter from God!
Yesterday was a good day, but ended on a sad note. So...I started off this morning diving into TRUTH. God led me straight to Phil. 4:8 and I began to immediately pray that I would be able to focus on truth today and be encouraged by what God had in store for me TODAY...not tomorrow or the next day, but just focus on today.
Amazingly, I got to church and the whole message was ALSO over the Phil. 4:8...hmmm..think God was telling me something?! :-) It was a great and encouraging message that reminded me of the importance of what I take IN will also be reflected on what comes out, not only in my lifestyle, but in my thoughts. I must be SO intentional about taking every thought captive that is not from HIM. I am beginning to realize how sneaky those little lies are and how subtly they come on and then bring me down. My life here on earth is ALWAYS going to be filled with challenges and struggles, but really in the grand scheme of eternity, it is SO short-lived. I want to make EVERY effort to glorify God with my life AND thoughts and believe in HIS truths for my life so that I may be more effective in reflecting HIM with my life. What JOY I experience when I allow Him to work through me this way too!!
As I was preparing for bed tonight, I was reading through Psalm 116. I enjoyed it so much, I was wondering if there were any songs written using lyrics from this chapter. So, I got on Youtube and found a couple. They were ok, but then I stumbled across THIS video about God's love for me FILLED with scripture (TRUTH). It was so encouraging!! I want to copy each verse and fill my bathroom mirror with them all. :-) It made me think about the video I watched last night and how silly it was that it made me so sad...I don't need to write a letter to Rich anymore...He is SO taken care of and LOVING being in the very presence of God!! I never DID get to say good-bye. So, this week, I am going to write one last letter and say my good-byes. It is time to officially let him go...although he will ALWAYS be a part of me, he is no longer a part of my everyday life. I will continue to be forever grateful for the place he had in my life and the way God used him to teach me SO much about Himself. I will continue to love his family and want Ethan to grow up knowing about him and knowing he was SO loved by him. I know there may still be passing memories and even a tear shed here and there throughout my life, but God is not a God of mistakes. He KNEW from the moment He created me, THIS would be my life! And, honestly, even with all of the hurt and pain that comes with life here on earth, I am SO thankful for the life that I have and the plan that God has for me...as long as I allow Him to USE it in my life to draw me closer to Him!! Whatever it takes, God...draw me close to YOU!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggGwDrxrC2k&feature=related
Amazingly, I got to church and the whole message was ALSO over the Phil. 4:8...hmmm..think God was telling me something?! :-) It was a great and encouraging message that reminded me of the importance of what I take IN will also be reflected on what comes out, not only in my lifestyle, but in my thoughts. I must be SO intentional about taking every thought captive that is not from HIM. I am beginning to realize how sneaky those little lies are and how subtly they come on and then bring me down. My life here on earth is ALWAYS going to be filled with challenges and struggles, but really in the grand scheme of eternity, it is SO short-lived. I want to make EVERY effort to glorify God with my life AND thoughts and believe in HIS truths for my life so that I may be more effective in reflecting HIM with my life. What JOY I experience when I allow Him to work through me this way too!!
As I was preparing for bed tonight, I was reading through Psalm 116. I enjoyed it so much, I was wondering if there were any songs written using lyrics from this chapter. So, I got on Youtube and found a couple. They were ok, but then I stumbled across THIS video about God's love for me FILLED with scripture (TRUTH). It was so encouraging!! I want to copy each verse and fill my bathroom mirror with them all. :-) It made me think about the video I watched last night and how silly it was that it made me so sad...I don't need to write a letter to Rich anymore...He is SO taken care of and LOVING being in the very presence of God!! I never DID get to say good-bye. So, this week, I am going to write one last letter and say my good-byes. It is time to officially let him go...although he will ALWAYS be a part of me, he is no longer a part of my everyday life. I will continue to be forever grateful for the place he had in my life and the way God used him to teach me SO much about Himself. I will continue to love his family and want Ethan to grow up knowing about him and knowing he was SO loved by him. I know there may still be passing memories and even a tear shed here and there throughout my life, but God is not a God of mistakes. He KNEW from the moment He created me, THIS would be my life! And, honestly, even with all of the hurt and pain that comes with life here on earth, I am SO thankful for the life that I have and the plan that God has for me...as long as I allow Him to USE it in my life to draw me closer to Him!! Whatever it takes, God...draw me close to YOU!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggGwDrxrC2k&feature=related
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Wedding Season Begins...
Well, another season has begun...Wedding season. I work as a wedding liaison for my church and so I am not only attending the many weddings of friends and relatives, but also working those of many others that I am getting to know through the process of my job. Weddings are such a happy time and for the most part I just LOVE this time of year and celebrating with all those around me as they commit their life to another individual for the "rest of their lives". To love someone enough to WANT to spend their whole life on earth with that person is something that I DO understand...it is AMAZING to experience just a touch of what unconditional love is in your life and to learn how to return that love unconditionally as well. For humans, it takes a lot of work and commitment, but oh the reward is so amazing!! It was through my seven years of marriage to Rich that I think I first had a real and tangible understanding of God's love for me. My parents loved me unconditionally, but I was too focused on myself and immature to really grasp the depth of the meaning of it all until I was an adult. It was through my marriage that I started to really understand the idea of being the bride of Christ. Wow...how amazing that HE is truly my first husband who loves me perfectly in every way!! He can meet every need and desire that no human could ever even begin to fill in my life.
Yet, even with this knowledge and SO desperately seeking after God to FILL that need in my life, I DO still miss the tangible love of having Rich in my life. As I attended a wedding today of my friend Sarah, I could see so much of me in her and so much of Rich in her NOW husband, Erik. As they said their vows, a bit of me found myself getting a bit choked up and thinking, "Don't let a tear fall because you know it won't be just one!" As they committed to love each other until "death do us part", I just breathed in deeply and said a quick prayer for them that they would only experience that at an old age or that Christ would return so they would never experience it at all. I remember saying those words and thinking how sweet it would be to grow old with dear Rich and to watch our children grow up and to even enjoy grandchildren together. Honestly, it never really crossed my mind that life would turn out this way.
God is CONTINUING to teach me to trust Him through it all and most days I feel very confident in His plan for my life and even excited about what is to come!! But, if I am completely honest, there ARE still days that I have to fight off the lies of my future being pretty bleak and lonely and hopeless. I STILL miss him after almost two years...TWO years it will be this summer since I lost him. Honestly, I think there will always be a part of me that misses him. As I heard this song tonight I was blown away by how it just brought me to tears...thinking, "If only I could just talk to him ONE more time. I didn't even get to say good-bye!!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OiVjaOQ23xQ
Yet, even with this knowledge and SO desperately seeking after God to FILL that need in my life, I DO still miss the tangible love of having Rich in my life. As I attended a wedding today of my friend Sarah, I could see so much of me in her and so much of Rich in her NOW husband, Erik. As they said their vows, a bit of me found myself getting a bit choked up and thinking, "Don't let a tear fall because you know it won't be just one!" As they committed to love each other until "death do us part", I just breathed in deeply and said a quick prayer for them that they would only experience that at an old age or that Christ would return so they would never experience it at all. I remember saying those words and thinking how sweet it would be to grow old with dear Rich and to watch our children grow up and to even enjoy grandchildren together. Honestly, it never really crossed my mind that life would turn out this way.
God is CONTINUING to teach me to trust Him through it all and most days I feel very confident in His plan for my life and even excited about what is to come!! But, if I am completely honest, there ARE still days that I have to fight off the lies of my future being pretty bleak and lonely and hopeless. I STILL miss him after almost two years...TWO years it will be this summer since I lost him. Honestly, I think there will always be a part of me that misses him. As I heard this song tonight I was blown away by how it just brought me to tears...thinking, "If only I could just talk to him ONE more time. I didn't even get to say good-bye!!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OiVjaOQ23xQ
Friday, May 15, 2009
May, Motherhood, and Memories
Wow...May is just a busy month, period! It is also full of times that are flooded with memories. From May 1st (May Day) to the end of the month (Memorial Day weekend) it is packed full of traditions and family time for me.
Beginning with May Day, Rich always brought home a bouquet of beautiful flowers for me telling me he was celebrating our last month of school before our summer together would begin. Even though he always worked throughout the summers, it was a time of a lot of fun together. As we move further into the month, there is Mother's Day. This is a holiday I was only able to celebrate twice with Rich...but how LOVED he made me feel. He always made me feel like being a mother was the hardest and most admired job. Then there was the precious day that our miracle son was born...May 19th. Although the doctors had finally said, "It is time to look into adoption" God miraculously made it happen!! I have never seen a prouder father as he held Ethan for the first time and every time after! Following his birthday, we always would take a family trip to Texas with the Heyroths for Memorial Day weekend. In between all of that there was also the busyness of wrapping up the school year, my mom's birthday, our own Mothers to celebrate, high school graduation and parties, soccer season ending hopefully by going to state, and almost always at least one wedding to top it all off. May was a month full of celebration and craziness! It continues to be both, but along with the fun times, my mind is flooded with all of the memories.
This has been a bit of an emotional month for me dealing with so much. One of the hardest things was going back up to Shawnee Heights to present three memorial scholarships in honor of Rich. Walking into the building and facing the staff, the parents, and students almost felt surreal. As I walked onto stage and presented those scholarships, I had a smile on my face, but my heart was aching inside. I could feel myself entering into the emotional detachment phase because I knew if I really allowed myself to feel, the tears may begin to fall. This is never good for me because it is often like a dam being released and they just keep coming and I knew I didn't have any kleenex and was not even waterproof mascara that night! :-) Yet, after I presented them, there was a huge relief that I felt, even a moment of just feeling proud of who he was and that I was able to called his wife...what an honor, even if for just a short time. I actually enjoyed greeting the students after it was done. (Though earlier, I had considered darting out of there after I presented so I didn't have to talk to anyone!) I was able to reconnect with a few and was SO thankful that I did. I think they needed it even more than I did. I'm hoping it is a testimony to others that I can carry on (not with perfection) but with hope because of HIM!! I often get a chance to share how I am doing and I can only honestly tell people I am doing okay because of God!
As I prepare to celebrate my baby's THIRD birthday tomorrow, I can't help but ache a little still that his father can not be with us. Some of the last pictures I have of them together are at his FIRST birthday party. It is unbelievable to me how much he has changed and, even without his daddy here, has miraculously taken on so many of his character traits and definitely his looks. I keep thinking I am over the emotional toll of it all, and yet as I sit here and type the tears are beginning to pour down my cheeks. My Lord has been SO faithful, SO loving, and taken SUCH good care of us...yet, that doesn't really make the pain disappear. It still exists and it still hurts. Thankfully, it is not an everyday experience anymore and I can see SO much healing in my life. Yet, I am beginning to think (and accept) that in THIS life on THIS earth, it will always exist a bit for me and there will always be some tears from time to time. I am so blessed to have a God that loves me enough to see me through these times and to continue to give me hope for what is to come!!
God continues to bless me and give me the strength to carry forward. He has given me such an amazing season of my life...the ability to stay home with my son and work odd jobs here and there to pay the bills. I am probably one of millions of single moms that ever have the privilege to do this. Because of this, I feel like I have been given more of a chance to deal with my grief in a healthy way and through a process without being rushed or pushing it aside as if it never happened. I have also had the chance to invest deeply in my son's life and to not take one day for granted with him. I love it!! I'm even pursuing a missions trip to Central Asia in the fall because I have the freedom to do something like that, and so I want so badly to give of my life and to share with others that there IS hope even after great loss. I'm not sure what my future holds, but I am beginning to make some "plans" but holding those loosely in the palm of my hand as I trust God with each step of the way. I will never again make a PLAN for my life and not be praying over it or think of it as my right or a guarantee. I am planning to go back to school and complete my RN. I'm so looking forward to pursuing this dream and can see SO many ways that I can use it in my future...not only to support myself and my son, but also to serve others and possibly even use overseas in missions someday.
So, even though there are still some hard and even tearful times in my life, I am confident that God will use even those to draw me closer to Him. I want to "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say, Rejoice!" because I know that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" (Phil. 4:4 & 13)
**Thank you for anyone who reads this that continues to pray for us. Your prayers are SO appreciated and although I am sure some have almost forgotten this has even taken place in my life, it is still so very real every day for me.
Lyrics sent to me just tonight as I was typing this new blog entry (Thanks, Dad!)
When Life Gets Broken
Hands reaching out
No one to hold
You've been abandoned
With no place to go
Wounded and wanting
Such desperate times
Cold bitter tears are filling your eyes
(Pre-Chorus)
Get a glimpse of Jesus
For He is right there with you
He knows just what you need
Chorus
When life gets broken
And you're in despair
He'll carry your burden
When it's too much to bear
It's down in the valley
Where He'll give you strength
And there is nothing you have lost
That He can't replace
He'll help you start all over again
When life gets broken
Beginning with May Day, Rich always brought home a bouquet of beautiful flowers for me telling me he was celebrating our last month of school before our summer together would begin. Even though he always worked throughout the summers, it was a time of a lot of fun together. As we move further into the month, there is Mother's Day. This is a holiday I was only able to celebrate twice with Rich...but how LOVED he made me feel. He always made me feel like being a mother was the hardest and most admired job. Then there was the precious day that our miracle son was born...May 19th. Although the doctors had finally said, "It is time to look into adoption" God miraculously made it happen!! I have never seen a prouder father as he held Ethan for the first time and every time after! Following his birthday, we always would take a family trip to Texas with the Heyroths for Memorial Day weekend. In between all of that there was also the busyness of wrapping up the school year, my mom's birthday, our own Mothers to celebrate, high school graduation and parties, soccer season ending hopefully by going to state, and almost always at least one wedding to top it all off. May was a month full of celebration and craziness! It continues to be both, but along with the fun times, my mind is flooded with all of the memories.
This has been a bit of an emotional month for me dealing with so much. One of the hardest things was going back up to Shawnee Heights to present three memorial scholarships in honor of Rich. Walking into the building and facing the staff, the parents, and students almost felt surreal. As I walked onto stage and presented those scholarships, I had a smile on my face, but my heart was aching inside. I could feel myself entering into the emotional detachment phase because I knew if I really allowed myself to feel, the tears may begin to fall. This is never good for me because it is often like a dam being released and they just keep coming and I knew I didn't have any kleenex and was not even waterproof mascara that night! :-) Yet, after I presented them, there was a huge relief that I felt, even a moment of just feeling proud of who he was and that I was able to called his wife...what an honor, even if for just a short time. I actually enjoyed greeting the students after it was done. (Though earlier, I had considered darting out of there after I presented so I didn't have to talk to anyone!) I was able to reconnect with a few and was SO thankful that I did. I think they needed it even more than I did. I'm hoping it is a testimony to others that I can carry on (not with perfection) but with hope because of HIM!! I often get a chance to share how I am doing and I can only honestly tell people I am doing okay because of God!
As I prepare to celebrate my baby's THIRD birthday tomorrow, I can't help but ache a little still that his father can not be with us. Some of the last pictures I have of them together are at his FIRST birthday party. It is unbelievable to me how much he has changed and, even without his daddy here, has miraculously taken on so many of his character traits and definitely his looks. I keep thinking I am over the emotional toll of it all, and yet as I sit here and type the tears are beginning to pour down my cheeks. My Lord has been SO faithful, SO loving, and taken SUCH good care of us...yet, that doesn't really make the pain disappear. It still exists and it still hurts. Thankfully, it is not an everyday experience anymore and I can see SO much healing in my life. Yet, I am beginning to think (and accept) that in THIS life on THIS earth, it will always exist a bit for me and there will always be some tears from time to time. I am so blessed to have a God that loves me enough to see me through these times and to continue to give me hope for what is to come!!
God continues to bless me and give me the strength to carry forward. He has given me such an amazing season of my life...the ability to stay home with my son and work odd jobs here and there to pay the bills. I am probably one of millions of single moms that ever have the privilege to do this. Because of this, I feel like I have been given more of a chance to deal with my grief in a healthy way and through a process without being rushed or pushing it aside as if it never happened. I have also had the chance to invest deeply in my son's life and to not take one day for granted with him. I love it!! I'm even pursuing a missions trip to Central Asia in the fall because I have the freedom to do something like that, and so I want so badly to give of my life and to share with others that there IS hope even after great loss. I'm not sure what my future holds, but I am beginning to make some "plans" but holding those loosely in the palm of my hand as I trust God with each step of the way. I will never again make a PLAN for my life and not be praying over it or think of it as my right or a guarantee. I am planning to go back to school and complete my RN. I'm so looking forward to pursuing this dream and can see SO many ways that I can use it in my future...not only to support myself and my son, but also to serve others and possibly even use overseas in missions someday.
So, even though there are still some hard and even tearful times in my life, I am confident that God will use even those to draw me closer to Him. I want to "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say, Rejoice!" because I know that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" (Phil. 4:4 & 13)
**Thank you for anyone who reads this that continues to pray for us. Your prayers are SO appreciated and although I am sure some have almost forgotten this has even taken place in my life, it is still so very real every day for me.
Lyrics sent to me just tonight as I was typing this new blog entry (Thanks, Dad!)
When Life Gets Broken
Hands reaching out
No one to hold
You've been abandoned
With no place to go
Wounded and wanting
Such desperate times
Cold bitter tears are filling your eyes
(Pre-Chorus)
Get a glimpse of Jesus
For He is right there with you
He knows just what you need
Chorus
When life gets broken
And you're in despair
He'll carry your burden
When it's too much to bear
It's down in the valley
Where He'll give you strength
And there is nothing you have lost
That He can't replace
He'll help you start all over again
When life gets broken
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Continuing to Hope...
The Lord says, "Those who hope in me will not be disappointed." ~Isaiah 49:23
As I started out my morning with God, I stumbled upon this verse and was so encouraged! The past week of my life has been full of some hard decisions. Yet, God has continued to amaze me how He knows my every need and does NOT disappoint when I put my trust and hope in Him!! Last Thursday was an especially hard day, and yet once again, God took care of my every need and even reminded me He cared about the things that I don't really "need". As I was out walking with a friend at the lake sharing about my current struggles, a woman (I barely know!) walked by and said, "Elizabeth Heyroth! I prayed for you today. In fact, you are on my prayer list and I have been praying for you every day!" Wow--That was almost like God Himself reminding me that He cares! THEN, later that night, a couple friends of mine brought me a BEAUTIFUL bouquet of flowers "just because". I was literally just thinking how I missed getting flowers. Rich would spoil me rotten with them often and I just hate to spend the money on them for myself, so once again, God provides! Flowers are not even something I necessarily "need", but it was just a way of God showing me that He WILL fill that void in my life. When I have days of feeling like I live in such a "couples world" and I am all alone and missing out on that sweet companionship I so desire, HE takes care of it...sometimes with just His own presence, but often with people right here with skin on them to show me their love. What an amazing God we serve! I find that when I let go of trying to control my life and fill my own desires, HE does it for me and so much better too!
Parenting is still a challenge, but would be regardless if Rich were here or not! Ha! I do, however, SO long for times where I could just get a second opinion or just have someone else step in to be the one to say NO. There really is some power and influence in being a man in a little boys' eyes as well. It is amazing how Ethan will just dissolve at even a stern look from my dad. I AM so thankful that Ethan has Godly men through my dad and my father-in-law that he can look up to as he grows. We are still working through the no daddy factor as we age. Explaining Easter brought tears to my eyes as he wanted to know if daddy could come back to life just like Jesus. I said, "No, Daddy is not God." He said, "Then, will Jesus come live with us?" :-) I told him he already did! He was happy to hear that, but not quite convinced.
As we go through new challenging moments in parenting, I try to remember the sweet times so I can continue to patiently discipline through the rough times. Ethan is entering a new stage of wanting to do the exact opposite of EVERYTHING I say. I say, "yes" He says. "NO!" I turn right when driving and he says, "I wanted to go THAT way (pointing left!)" I say he needs to listen to me and he says, "I am the adult, you listen to ME!" It can be exhausting, but as I sit down to write about it tonight, it just makes me smile. I am SO thankful I have him in my life...all of the challenges just make ME rely more on God and OH the times I have probably said the same things to Him. I pray He would grant me with the same patience He has for me.
There have also been some pretty sweet moments that I treasure and wish I could just put life on pause as I enjoy my "bi-polar" child. (Not really, but WOW, he sure can turn it off and on!) At bedtime, he turns into the sweetest thing you would ever imagine. As we talk about our day and the best and worst thing that happened, he is always full of positives! It is such a reminder for me to view life through the eyes of a child. He often struggles to think of anything that was difficult that day. We then use these things to pray to God. He LOVES to pray for others too and often will thank God for almost everyone he knows. :-) Tonight, we went to the lake to watch the sun set (It was SO beautiful!!--I LOVE where I live!). As the pink spread across the lake, we were talking about all of the things around us that God made. Tonight, he looked very carefully across the water and pointed and said in a very excited voice, "I think I see God!" It was the sweetest moment. We DID see God in everything that surrounded us. It was really a precious time! Other things that make me laugh and stand in awe of God are when I see Rich SO much in Ethan. His looks, his mannerisms, and even his sense of humor. A few days ago, I heard him giggling and I went to find him and he was kind of sliding/rolling down the stairs. I asked him what he was doing and he said, "I am pretend falling down the stairs, mommy! It is fun! Real falling is not, but THIS is!" I could not believe my ears...seriously?! He has amazing little ears and may have picked up on a conversation about his daddy falling down the stairs for a laugh, but I am not sure. I just stood there and thought, I wonder if he is going to start snorting Jello next?! ;-)
As I continue to move forward in life, I WILL hold onto hope as I trust God with my life and especially Ethan's life. I KNOW He has good plans for us and I am excited to watch our lives unfold before me. I feel like I am FINALLY getting my identity back. It was seriously like my life had just been ripped away and I was left standing there with a baby in tow wondering, "What do I do now, God?!" I was fortunate enough to have studied a lot on finding my significance in God before all of this happened, but this was a HUGE test in that area. As a woman AND a people pleaser, this has never been an easy thing for me to completely grasp. But, I am thankful that God has not and will NEVER give up on me! And on the days that I think I just can't bare this pain anymore, I remember that this life is really just the wink of an eye compared to eternity. So, I will press on!! God is making everything new!
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ~Phil. 3:12
As I started out my morning with God, I stumbled upon this verse and was so encouraged! The past week of my life has been full of some hard decisions. Yet, God has continued to amaze me how He knows my every need and does NOT disappoint when I put my trust and hope in Him!! Last Thursday was an especially hard day, and yet once again, God took care of my every need and even reminded me He cared about the things that I don't really "need". As I was out walking with a friend at the lake sharing about my current struggles, a woman (I barely know!) walked by and said, "Elizabeth Heyroth! I prayed for you today. In fact, you are on my prayer list and I have been praying for you every day!" Wow--That was almost like God Himself reminding me that He cares! THEN, later that night, a couple friends of mine brought me a BEAUTIFUL bouquet of flowers "just because". I was literally just thinking how I missed getting flowers. Rich would spoil me rotten with them often and I just hate to spend the money on them for myself, so once again, God provides! Flowers are not even something I necessarily "need", but it was just a way of God showing me that He WILL fill that void in my life. When I have days of feeling like I live in such a "couples world" and I am all alone and missing out on that sweet companionship I so desire, HE takes care of it...sometimes with just His own presence, but often with people right here with skin on them to show me their love. What an amazing God we serve! I find that when I let go of trying to control my life and fill my own desires, HE does it for me and so much better too!
Parenting is still a challenge, but would be regardless if Rich were here or not! Ha! I do, however, SO long for times where I could just get a second opinion or just have someone else step in to be the one to say NO. There really is some power and influence in being a man in a little boys' eyes as well. It is amazing how Ethan will just dissolve at even a stern look from my dad. I AM so thankful that Ethan has Godly men through my dad and my father-in-law that he can look up to as he grows. We are still working through the no daddy factor as we age. Explaining Easter brought tears to my eyes as he wanted to know if daddy could come back to life just like Jesus. I said, "No, Daddy is not God." He said, "Then, will Jesus come live with us?" :-) I told him he already did! He was happy to hear that, but not quite convinced.
As we go through new challenging moments in parenting, I try to remember the sweet times so I can continue to patiently discipline through the rough times. Ethan is entering a new stage of wanting to do the exact opposite of EVERYTHING I say. I say, "yes" He says. "NO!" I turn right when driving and he says, "I wanted to go THAT way (pointing left!)" I say he needs to listen to me and he says, "I am the adult, you listen to ME!" It can be exhausting, but as I sit down to write about it tonight, it just makes me smile. I am SO thankful I have him in my life...all of the challenges just make ME rely more on God and OH the times I have probably said the same things to Him. I pray He would grant me with the same patience He has for me.
There have also been some pretty sweet moments that I treasure and wish I could just put life on pause as I enjoy my "bi-polar" child. (Not really, but WOW, he sure can turn it off and on!) At bedtime, he turns into the sweetest thing you would ever imagine. As we talk about our day and the best and worst thing that happened, he is always full of positives! It is such a reminder for me to view life through the eyes of a child. He often struggles to think of anything that was difficult that day. We then use these things to pray to God. He LOVES to pray for others too and often will thank God for almost everyone he knows. :-) Tonight, we went to the lake to watch the sun set (It was SO beautiful!!--I LOVE where I live!). As the pink spread across the lake, we were talking about all of the things around us that God made. Tonight, he looked very carefully across the water and pointed and said in a very excited voice, "I think I see God!" It was the sweetest moment. We DID see God in everything that surrounded us. It was really a precious time! Other things that make me laugh and stand in awe of God are when I see Rich SO much in Ethan. His looks, his mannerisms, and even his sense of humor. A few days ago, I heard him giggling and I went to find him and he was kind of sliding/rolling down the stairs. I asked him what he was doing and he said, "I am pretend falling down the stairs, mommy! It is fun! Real falling is not, but THIS is!" I could not believe my ears...seriously?! He has amazing little ears and may have picked up on a conversation about his daddy falling down the stairs for a laugh, but I am not sure. I just stood there and thought, I wonder if he is going to start snorting Jello next?! ;-)
As I continue to move forward in life, I WILL hold onto hope as I trust God with my life and especially Ethan's life. I KNOW He has good plans for us and I am excited to watch our lives unfold before me. I feel like I am FINALLY getting my identity back. It was seriously like my life had just been ripped away and I was left standing there with a baby in tow wondering, "What do I do now, God?!" I was fortunate enough to have studied a lot on finding my significance in God before all of this happened, but this was a HUGE test in that area. As a woman AND a people pleaser, this has never been an easy thing for me to completely grasp. But, I am thankful that God has not and will NEVER give up on me! And on the days that I think I just can't bare this pain anymore, I remember that this life is really just the wink of an eye compared to eternity. So, I will press on!! God is making everything new!
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ~Phil. 3:12
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Where to Begin?!!
Honestly, there is NO way I can cover the ups and downs of the past 10 weeks of my life in one short blog entry. I went through Valentine's Day, the beginning of a new season (Spring), and what would have been Rich's 32nd birthday. A second year without him. There were SO many other events that took place during this time too, and to be perfectly honest, I have not handled them all the way I would have liked. Overall, I have learned that I MUST stay so close to Christ and the people He has placed in my life that are seeking after Him. I have learned that I am so vulnerable to the ways of this world and that it is so easy and tempting to use anything but Christ to fill the void in my life that can ONLY be filled with HIM. I know that my identity is not in my loss of Rich, and that Christ has so much more ahead of me in this life, but it has been a real struggle lately to know that in my heart and not just my head. If I am completely honest, I can say that I am tired of talking about it. I am tired of being asked to speak about it, share about it, etc, etc, etc. There is MORE to me than that. Yet, I also know that God is STILL using my story and Rich's death to touch and reach others and that it is really never going away and will always be a part of me. God used that man in my life to teach me SO much about HIS character. He used our marriage to teach me what it means to really experience unconditional love and the work that it takes to make a relationship not only work, but succeed! For that, I will be forever thankful!!
I recently read a letter from Rich that he wrote to me when he presented me with a new guitar for an anniversary present. It was such a good reminder to me that I need to continue to work on and tweak my relationship with Christ just as I did in marriage. It is SO easy to get lazy. I never thought I would get to the point where I could go a day without being in the Word...it had truly become my source of life. But, somehow, it slowly slipped away and I began to fill my time and energy with being a mom, work, planning a future, people, housework, talking on the phone, getting on Facebook...anything BUT what I needed to be doing...spending time with the 1st love of my life! Rich gave me this letter during a kind of rough patch in our marriage when we were dealing with some hard issues. We were definitely past the "honeymoon stage" and had entered into the "this is for life and I don't always like you stage". If you are married, you know what I mean! :-)
To my Precious Elizabeth Ann:
I have let you know a little bit, but never completely, something that really made me sad, a little more than I let on. The day our apartment was broken into and my guitar was taken, I was pretty upset. I felt very grateful and blessed that you were not there when it happened, and that nothing was taken that could not be easily replaced. They were just "things" and could all be replaced. However, I was a little upset, as I have said, that my guitar was taken. The guitar was obviously very special to me. The reason for that is because I worked with it for a long time, and did things to make it just right. It had a great sound and was fun to play...it was perfect for me, but only after a lot of work. If I hadn't played it constantly, worked with it, tuned, tweaked, and repaired it wouldn't have sounded the way I wanted it to. And it was always getting better...had it not gotten stolen, I would have still been working with it. Bear with me as I write this; I write it in hopes that you will understand something and feel better about it after when I finish my thoughts....
I got you this guitar- originally as a 2nd anniversary gift, but it seemed appropriate to give it to you now- because I thought it was sort of symbolic of my relationship with you. Believe me...I am not comparing you or us to a guitar, other than one thing. You've probably been faced with this one question before, as I CONSTANTLY am: "What is the one best thing about married life?" To me, that is an incredibly hard question to answer, because there are so many wonderful things about being married to you... I won't even go into it right now or the list would be too long. I have decided that the single best thing about being married to you, Elizabeth Ann Heyroth, is that it keeps getting better. I have always been deeply in love with you, and it has always been an honor and pleasure to by your boyfriend, your best friend, and your husband. But, it has NEVER ONCE stopped getting better. It is like the guitar, in a way. It was wonderful when I first got it, but I kept making it better by taking time with it, playing with it, and investing time and effort into it. I feel the same way about you; obviously there are times when you and I get frustrated with each other, but the wonderful thing about that is that no matter how frustrated or angry or hurt we get 1) We love each other and it will always be okay in the end and 2) the investment of time, work, feelings, and emotions will continue to make our marriage better. Obviously there are some things we need to work on and refine, but with prayer and just working at it, God will bring us closer to one another and to Him.
The guitar was pretty special to me, not because it was given to me by anyone special, or because I am a huge music fanatic, but because I could invest time and effort into it and make something beautiful with it (which is why I generally choose to worship with it...) But, YOU and our marriage are EXTREMELY precious to me....and partly for the very same reason. I have enjoyed nothing better than growing with you, and growing closer to you. I know that it is not easy sometimes, and sometimes it even sucks. :-) But, I also know that our relationship is growing better even in spite of (and due to) some of these hard times. Elizabeth, I have not stopped falling in love with you since the day I first did; I fall in love with you again and again, day after day. Our marriage and my wife are extremely beautiful to me; even when you are not happy, or we are upset with each other, I love you and I love being married to you. And I know that it will continue to get better and better.
Elizabeth, I don't know if any of that made any sense; I KNOW it didn't come close to letting you know how precious you are to me. But what I DO want is for this guitar to symbolize that our marriage is something beautiful, and wonderful, and that it will only get better with time and investment. May we both use our marriage and our guitars to glorify our Lord. I love you, Elizabeth; more than the day I met you, more than the day I married you.
I have included this letter in my blog for a couple of reasons....first of all as a reminder to ME that my relationship with Christ is much like marriage. It takes time and work, but it just keeps getting better and better and is worth all of the time and effort put into it. I SO want to reflect Christ with every part of my life and want to draw others closer to Him, but I realize this is only possible when I am in close communion with Him. I am learning that my relationship with Christ really has little to do with circumstances and everything to do with communing with Him. I want to take everything to Him and faithfully follow Him, no matter what difficulties come my way. I read something today that was good for me to hear, The goodness of God is available, but He does not force-feed you." So, time to get back to truly nurturing my relationship with Him!
Secondly, I so desperately desire for Ethan to grow into a Godly man that pursues Christ in every area of his life. I know I have a huge responsibility to model this for him with my own life. It is still a struggle of mine to know that he is growing up without an earthly father in his life. Rich was such a great example of what it means to love the Lord, people and how to truly love, honor, and respect a wife or any woman for that matter. I pray that God will continue to fill that void in Ethan's life as well. Hopefully he can read some of the things his father wrote to me and SEE and experience what an amazing legacy he has to follow.
Soooo...time to press on in this race of life...
"I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus!" ~Phil 3:13-14
I recently read a letter from Rich that he wrote to me when he presented me with a new guitar for an anniversary present. It was such a good reminder to me that I need to continue to work on and tweak my relationship with Christ just as I did in marriage. It is SO easy to get lazy. I never thought I would get to the point where I could go a day without being in the Word...it had truly become my source of life. But, somehow, it slowly slipped away and I began to fill my time and energy with being a mom, work, planning a future, people, housework, talking on the phone, getting on Facebook...anything BUT what I needed to be doing...spending time with the 1st love of my life! Rich gave me this letter during a kind of rough patch in our marriage when we were dealing with some hard issues. We were definitely past the "honeymoon stage" and had entered into the "this is for life and I don't always like you stage". If you are married, you know what I mean! :-)
To my Precious Elizabeth Ann:
I have let you know a little bit, but never completely, something that really made me sad, a little more than I let on. The day our apartment was broken into and my guitar was taken, I was pretty upset. I felt very grateful and blessed that you were not there when it happened, and that nothing was taken that could not be easily replaced. They were just "things" and could all be replaced. However, I was a little upset, as I have said, that my guitar was taken. The guitar was obviously very special to me. The reason for that is because I worked with it for a long time, and did things to make it just right. It had a great sound and was fun to play...it was perfect for me, but only after a lot of work. If I hadn't played it constantly, worked with it, tuned, tweaked, and repaired it wouldn't have sounded the way I wanted it to. And it was always getting better...had it not gotten stolen, I would have still been working with it. Bear with me as I write this; I write it in hopes that you will understand something and feel better about it after when I finish my thoughts....
I got you this guitar- originally as a 2nd anniversary gift, but it seemed appropriate to give it to you now- because I thought it was sort of symbolic of my relationship with you. Believe me...I am not comparing you or us to a guitar, other than one thing. You've probably been faced with this one question before, as I CONSTANTLY am: "What is the one best thing about married life?" To me, that is an incredibly hard question to answer, because there are so many wonderful things about being married to you... I won't even go into it right now or the list would be too long. I have decided that the single best thing about being married to you, Elizabeth Ann Heyroth, is that it keeps getting better. I have always been deeply in love with you, and it has always been an honor and pleasure to by your boyfriend, your best friend, and your husband. But, it has NEVER ONCE stopped getting better. It is like the guitar, in a way. It was wonderful when I first got it, but I kept making it better by taking time with it, playing with it, and investing time and effort into it. I feel the same way about you; obviously there are times when you and I get frustrated with each other, but the wonderful thing about that is that no matter how frustrated or angry or hurt we get 1) We love each other and it will always be okay in the end and 2) the investment of time, work, feelings, and emotions will continue to make our marriage better. Obviously there are some things we need to work on and refine, but with prayer and just working at it, God will bring us closer to one another and to Him.
The guitar was pretty special to me, not because it was given to me by anyone special, or because I am a huge music fanatic, but because I could invest time and effort into it and make something beautiful with it (which is why I generally choose to worship with it...) But, YOU and our marriage are EXTREMELY precious to me....and partly for the very same reason. I have enjoyed nothing better than growing with you, and growing closer to you. I know that it is not easy sometimes, and sometimes it even sucks. :-) But, I also know that our relationship is growing better even in spite of (and due to) some of these hard times. Elizabeth, I have not stopped falling in love with you since the day I first did; I fall in love with you again and again, day after day. Our marriage and my wife are extremely beautiful to me; even when you are not happy, or we are upset with each other, I love you and I love being married to you. And I know that it will continue to get better and better.
Elizabeth, I don't know if any of that made any sense; I KNOW it didn't come close to letting you know how precious you are to me. But what I DO want is for this guitar to symbolize that our marriage is something beautiful, and wonderful, and that it will only get better with time and investment. May we both use our marriage and our guitars to glorify our Lord. I love you, Elizabeth; more than the day I met you, more than the day I married you.
I have included this letter in my blog for a couple of reasons....first of all as a reminder to ME that my relationship with Christ is much like marriage. It takes time and work, but it just keeps getting better and better and is worth all of the time and effort put into it. I SO want to reflect Christ with every part of my life and want to draw others closer to Him, but I realize this is only possible when I am in close communion with Him. I am learning that my relationship with Christ really has little to do with circumstances and everything to do with communing with Him. I want to take everything to Him and faithfully follow Him, no matter what difficulties come my way. I read something today that was good for me to hear, The goodness of God is available, but He does not force-feed you." So, time to get back to truly nurturing my relationship with Him!
Secondly, I so desperately desire for Ethan to grow into a Godly man that pursues Christ in every area of his life. I know I have a huge responsibility to model this for him with my own life. It is still a struggle of mine to know that he is growing up without an earthly father in his life. Rich was such a great example of what it means to love the Lord, people and how to truly love, honor, and respect a wife or any woman for that matter. I pray that God will continue to fill that void in Ethan's life as well. Hopefully he can read some of the things his father wrote to me and SEE and experience what an amazing legacy he has to follow.
Soooo...time to press on in this race of life...
"I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus!" ~Phil 3:13-14
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