Breakfast Song...

I don't know if I have shared about this or not. Considering I have been blogging now about my experiences for a couple years and don't really take time to go back and read what I wrote, this may be some repeat info. But, had to write it down so that I can be sure to have the memories recorded.

Shortly after Rich died, my father gave me a CD of the songs I had chosen to be played at the Memorial services. It is all kind of a blur, but I remember sitting down with Ed Sanderson and my father (on separate occasions) to go over music for the memorial services. I was so overwhelmed by all of the decisions that had to be made in such a short time and was still trying to soak in the fact that my best friend, my husband, the father of my baby was really dead and not coming home. Rich was such a talented musician and absolutely loved music. There was rarely a quiet moment in our house between songs from our iTunes to the radio to him strumming away on the guitar. To be honest, that is one of the things I miss most to this day. Having him come home from work and pick up his guitar and just start playing while I made dinner. It was his way of unwinding from the day and such a pick-me-up for me. It gave him time to come home and have "quiet" time without me bombarding him with words that I needed to use up to get in my daily allowance. :-) Yet, I felt so close to him without even talking and he would often ask me to sing while he played. Oh how I loved that! But, anyway, I was remembering being a bit overwhelmed by the thought of picking the "perfect" songs for the service because I knew there were just SO many that Rich had loved. But, thankfully, God cleared my head and helped me remember some that Rich had specifically mentioned were favorites and even had often enjoyed singing with me and his siblings. One in particular was "There's a Stirring" by Annie Hearing, I believe, but we always sang the Caedmon's Call arrangement. This song was performed at the services by a group of guys, many of whom Rich had been involved in their lives. It was really well done. Other songs that Rich had even mentioned that he would someday want played at his funeral were "It is Well" and I specifically remembered that the first time he heard "Blessed Be Your Name" how much he had loved this song. Every time after we would sing it at church he would have a comment about how much he liked that song and how he wanted it to be true of his life. So, that one immediately stuck out in my head as one we should sing. To this day, every time I hear it, I am encouraged to remember that God's ways are perfect and how we should sing praise to Him in the good and the bad times.

One of the hardest parts of readjusting to life without Rich has been missing his presence. For those people that knew him well, they know that he was such a fun person to be around. He was such an encourager! I tried to not find my significance in Him, but since he has been gone, it has been a real struggle to not hear "I love you" every day and wake up to "Good morning, beautiful!" and have someone there to say goodnight to and pray with, and the list goes on and on. I often use music as a filler in my life to fill the silence. For those of you who know me well, I also am quite the talker and enjoy a good conversation pretty much at all or any time of day or night. :-) So, let's just say, as a result, my child has learned to be quite verbal from a very young age. I would continue to have conversations each morning with my 14 month old talking about the plans for our day just as I would have had with Rich. Now, at the age of three, I often hear my son saying to me or others, "So, how was your day?!" or just about anything to start a conversation. I have also been greatly blessed that he has a carbon image of his daddy's heart. He often tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. I think that God uses him in my life to sometimes even speak directly to me. I am truly blessed to have a son with such a sweet and sensitive heart.

One of the times of day that was most difficult was breakfast time. It was the start of our day and even though I had usually already been awake for a bit and usually already had one round of tears and time on my knees with God by then, I felt like I had to be strong because Ethan was with me with a big smile on his face ready to do one of his favorite things...eat! :-) I knew that it would be hard to not have Rich there day after day seeing him off to work and watching him reluctantly leave his new son whom he loved SOOO much! I remember feeling overwhelmed as I would look at this baby in front of me and think I have to raise this little thing to become a man. What do I even know about men?! I remember practically having a panic attack one morning because I realized that even though I liked to watch basketball, I really didn't know the rules or understand enough to explain it all to Ethan. (football I was ok, but not basketball!) I know it seems crazy, but grief will put you over the edge about silly little things. I just felt so overwhelmed by how I was going to do this on my own. (Side note: Since then, I have not only learned a lot more about basketball :-) but I also have seen God graciously pour into our lives and show me that I am NOT really raising Ethan alone at all!) Anyway, I decided that I must fill our morning silence and began turning on the radio each morning as soon as I stepped into the kitchen.

I would always tune into K-Love because they were supposed to be "encouraging, more music, KLove!" Now, I DO love this station, but have always had a bit of complaint about the ridiculous repetition on songs they play. However, in this case, it was used in our favor. Almost every morning at the time we would sit down for breakfast, "Blessed Be Your Name" would come on. I would often sing along and thank God for the reminder that He truly had not changed and that I could continue to bless His name for who He was and trust that He would take care of us and that He WAS worthy of praise. Ethan learned this song at a very young age because he heard it SO often. In fact, as soon as he was verbal enough, HE started calling it our breakfast song. We were just driving along in the car and it came on and he said, "Hey! That's our breakfast song!" (This was almost a year later) And, in fact, just yesterday...it came on the radio and he said, "They still play our breakfast song!" He also loves it and starts singing along as loud as he can. So, in our house, "Blessed Be Your Name" will always be our "Breakfast Song" just like Ethan so perfectly titled it. It will always be a great reminder to us that we can continue to pour out our praise in the good and bad and that even though our circumstances may change, God NEVER does!

BLESSED BE YOUR NAME

Job 1:20-22
20 Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshiped, 21 And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. 22 In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly.