The Battle is NOT over, but I know who ultimately wins!

This past week has been a really really rough week. I have felt so attacked spiritually and have struggled with a lot of security issues and finding my confidence in Christ. "For the Lord will be your confidence, and will keep your foot from being caught." (Proverbs 3:26)

Ethan has continued to pursue the daily daddy questions. It is emotionally draining to go down that road again and again. Yet, it is also so right on with his age and development. Most two year olds are very curious and often ask the same question over and over again. They are such sponges at this age (one of the reasons it is one of my favorite ages). Yet, he just has a few different issues he is curious about and is too young to really understand the abstract. I try to keep the answers short and simple and just remind him often how MUCH God loves him. He was Curious George for Halloween (Actually he was just a monkey, but decided half way through the night that he was that specific monkey!) This is very appropriate for him and I have to laugh a bit when he starts to ask so many questions. I tell him he is SO curious and he quickly responds with, "I'm Curious Ethan, the monkey, mommy!"

We have had a few "shell-shocked" moments as I have started to label them in my own head. For example, we will be driving along and talking about the pretty leaves God made for us today. Then, all of a sudden, he will say, "My daddy went to heaven". I just sit there and have to gather my thoughts again. Often he has moved onto another subject before I have time to respond. But, sometimes he really wants to talk about it. The other day, he mentioned it again and I asked him how that made him feel. He said that he was happy because daddy was happy. That made my heart happy as well. Other days he is not so happy about it. I am trying hard to know when it is okay to talk about it, and when I need to make sure he is not using it or obsessing about it. For example, last Sunday he did NOT want to go to church because Daddy was not going to church. He threw a complete tantrum at the door yelling, "Daddy no go church...Ethan no church!" It was a rough morning and I felt more lonely that morning at church than I had in a long time. It didn't help that I had it so much on my mind. But then, I also hate being late. First there is the struggle of finding a place to park. Then, there is the battle of walking in to a service that has already started and trying to find a place to sit. Thankfully, my friend, Brande, was quick to offer me a seat with her family. God knew that I needed that as I was fighting the urge to start feeling sorry for myself when I walked into a church I have gone to my whole life and yet still felt so alone. Then, instead of searching for that right Sunday School class this week, I was on schedule to volunteer in the nursery. I actually looked forward to this and enjoyed reading to, playing with, and holding those precious little ones. After church, as the temptation set in, once again, to go face a lonely Sunday afternoon, my friends Susan and Michelle were quick to invite me to lunch. How can I question my God when he continues to meet all of my needs? With both of their husbands working for the weekend, they knew the struggle of doing it all and the weariness that can set in so quickly when you have to face one more mealtime and bed and bath routine all on your own. God reminded me again and again on Sunday that I am NOT alone and that, not only is HE there for me, but He surrounds me with others that are there for me as well. "He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength." (Isaiah 40:29)

As the week continued on, the daddy talk has become less. Yet, as I prepare for the weekend and the upcoming Tuesday when I am to share my story, my heart still fights the urge to become anxious. I Peter 5:7 keeps playing over and over in my head---"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you!" So I keep giving it back to Him again and again and again.

This weekend, I am going to a Singles' Retreat. Just the title of it all makes me cringe a bit. I don't know why I said I would go. I am not one that really likes to get myself into things when I don't know what to expect. Let's just say that I am a bit of a planner. I like to plan ahead and know what is coming. I used to joke with Rich that I enjoyed "planned spontaneity". I have learned SO much over the past year about letting go of control of my life and trusting God with the daily battles, and yet I still have the natural tendency to want to "feel" in control even though ultimately, I would MUCH rather trust God with my life than myself! Anyway, I originally signed up for the weekend thinking it would be a great opportunity to enjoy some adult time with other believers. AND, I realize that there is a new need in my life now, even more so than when I was married, to build friendships with other singles. It doesn't really work so well to always be the third wheel and I miss hanging out with groups of people and going to social events that are just couples only is not really an option anymore. So, onto learning a "new normal".

The other upcoming event that could really use some prayer is Expresso. This is a time when women at our church gather and share their personal stories of different ways God has worked in their lives. It is really great and encouraging to see how God continues to work in such individual and unique ways to meet us all right where we are at and take care of our needs. I am on the schedule to speak next Tuesday. I am looking forward to it and also really nervous about it at the same time. I just know that the enemy is trying to get a hold of me in this area and make me fearful of speaking in front of others as well as distract me and cause other things to get in the way of my planning. I so desperately want it to be all about God and not me. My prayer is that He will just shine through my testimony and that others will be encouraged by how BIG of a God we serve and to see that He truly cares about our every need! It is quite amazing really. I am just so in love with Him and so humbled by the way that He has held me so close even when I have been tempted to just run away from it all. I remember at one time thinking I would like to just move away where no one knew me and all about my circumstances and to "start over" with my life. Yet, without the people He has surrounded me with here, I am not sure I would have ever made it. He continues to bless me and encourage me with friendships. Just today I received flowers from a dear friend, to "brighten my day". It was almost like God was saying again, "You are loved!" :-)

So, yes, there will always be a battle going on in our lives. Yet, we can be confident to know how it is going to end! We are all going to face our own personal battles daily, but we are not alone. Thank you, Lord, for watching our every step. My flesh and my heart may fail, but YOU are the strength of my heart and my portion forever! (Pslam 73:26)

"For You are my lamp, O Lord; the Lord shall enlighten my darkness. For by You I can run against a troop; by my God I can leap over a wall. As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him." (2 Samuel 22:29)

"It is God who arms me with strength, and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of deer, and sets me on high places. He teaches my hands to make war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze ... I have pursued my enemies and overtaken them; neither did I turn back again till they were destroyed. I have wounded them, so that they were not able to rise; they have fallen under my feet. For You have armed me with strength for the battle; You have subdued under me those who rose up against me." (Psalm 18:32,37)

Ultimately, I am just AMAZED how patient God is with me to keep hanging on to me as I feel like I am relearning the same lesson over and over again. "Keep trusting me, my child." I often hear as I read His Word. Thank you, Lord, for never letting me go!

God has used music to very effectively reach my heart. This is one song that may be an older one, but the words still are SO true as I go to bed tonight in awe of His grace. It DOES still amaze me!

Your Grace Still Amazes Me
By Phillips, Craig, & Dean