Well, another season has begun...Wedding season. I work as a wedding liaison for my church and so I am not only attending the many weddings of friends and relatives, but also working those of many others that I am getting to know through the process of my job. Weddings are such a happy time and for the most part I just LOVE this time of year and celebrating with all those around me as they commit their life to another individual for the "rest of their lives". To love someone enough to WANT to spend their whole life on earth with that person is something that I DO understand...it is AMAZING to experience just a touch of what unconditional love is in your life and to learn how to return that love unconditionally as well. For humans, it takes a lot of work and commitment, but oh the reward is so amazing!! It was through my seven years of marriage to Rich that I think I first had a real and tangible understanding of God's love for me. My parents loved me unconditionally, but I was too focused on myself and immature to really grasp the depth of the meaning of it all until I was an adult. It was through my marriage that I started to really understand the idea of being the bride of Christ. Wow...how amazing that HE is truly my first husband who loves me perfectly in every way!! He can meet every need and desire that no human could ever even begin to fill in my life.
Yet, even with this knowledge and SO desperately seeking after God to FILL that need in my life, I DO still miss the tangible love of having Rich in my life. As I attended a wedding today of my friend Sarah, I could see so much of me in her and so much of Rich in her NOW husband, Erik. As they said their vows, a bit of me found myself getting a bit choked up and thinking, "Don't let a tear fall because you know it won't be just one!" As they committed to love each other until "death do us part", I just breathed in deeply and said a quick prayer for them that they would only experience that at an old age or that Christ would return so they would never experience it at all. I remember saying those words and thinking how sweet it would be to grow old with dear Rich and to watch our children grow up and to even enjoy grandchildren together. Honestly, it never really crossed my mind that life would turn out this way.
God is CONTINUING to teach me to trust Him through it all and most days I feel very confident in His plan for my life and even excited about what is to come!! But, if I am completely honest, there ARE still days that I have to fight off the lies of my future being pretty bleak and lonely and hopeless. I STILL miss him after almost two years...TWO years it will be this summer since I lost him. Honestly, I think there will always be a part of me that misses him. As I heard this song tonight I was blown away by how it just brought me to tears...thinking, "If only I could just talk to him ONE more time. I didn't even get to say good-bye!!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OiVjaOQ23xQ
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
May, Motherhood, and Memories
Wow...May is just a busy month, period! It is also full of times that are flooded with memories. From May 1st (May Day) to the end of the month (Memorial Day weekend) it is packed full of traditions and family time for me.
Beginning with May Day, Rich always brought home a bouquet of beautiful flowers for me telling me he was celebrating our last month of school before our summer together would begin. Even though he always worked throughout the summers, it was a time of a lot of fun together. As we move further into the month, there is Mother's Day. This is a holiday I was only able to celebrate twice with Rich...but how LOVED he made me feel. He always made me feel like being a mother was the hardest and most admired job. Then there was the precious day that our miracle son was born...May 19th. Although the doctors had finally said, "It is time to look into adoption" God miraculously made it happen!! I have never seen a prouder father as he held Ethan for the first time and every time after! Following his birthday, we always would take a family trip to Texas with the Heyroths for Memorial Day weekend. In between all of that there was also the busyness of wrapping up the school year, my mom's birthday, our own Mothers to celebrate, high school graduation and parties, soccer season ending hopefully by going to state, and almost always at least one wedding to top it all off. May was a month full of celebration and craziness! It continues to be both, but along with the fun times, my mind is flooded with all of the memories.
This has been a bit of an emotional month for me dealing with so much. One of the hardest things was going back up to Shawnee Heights to present three memorial scholarships in honor of Rich. Walking into the building and facing the staff, the parents, and students almost felt surreal. As I walked onto stage and presented those scholarships, I had a smile on my face, but my heart was aching inside. I could feel myself entering into the emotional detachment phase because I knew if I really allowed myself to feel, the tears may begin to fall. This is never good for me because it is often like a dam being released and they just keep coming and I knew I didn't have any kleenex and was not even waterproof mascara that night! :-) Yet, after I presented them, there was a huge relief that I felt, even a moment of just feeling proud of who he was and that I was able to called his wife...what an honor, even if for just a short time. I actually enjoyed greeting the students after it was done. (Though earlier, I had considered darting out of there after I presented so I didn't have to talk to anyone!) I was able to reconnect with a few and was SO thankful that I did. I think they needed it even more than I did. I'm hoping it is a testimony to others that I can carry on (not with perfection) but with hope because of HIM!! I often get a chance to share how I am doing and I can only honestly tell people I am doing okay because of God!
As I prepare to celebrate my baby's THIRD birthday tomorrow, I can't help but ache a little still that his father can not be with us. Some of the last pictures I have of them together are at his FIRST birthday party. It is unbelievable to me how much he has changed and, even without his daddy here, has miraculously taken on so many of his character traits and definitely his looks. I keep thinking I am over the emotional toll of it all, and yet as I sit here and type the tears are beginning to pour down my cheeks. My Lord has been SO faithful, SO loving, and taken SUCH good care of us...yet, that doesn't really make the pain disappear. It still exists and it still hurts. Thankfully, it is not an everyday experience anymore and I can see SO much healing in my life. Yet, I am beginning to think (and accept) that in THIS life on THIS earth, it will always exist a bit for me and there will always be some tears from time to time. I am so blessed to have a God that loves me enough to see me through these times and to continue to give me hope for what is to come!!
God continues to bless me and give me the strength to carry forward. He has given me such an amazing season of my life...the ability to stay home with my son and work odd jobs here and there to pay the bills. I am probably one of millions of single moms that ever have the privilege to do this. Because of this, I feel like I have been given more of a chance to deal with my grief in a healthy way and through a process without being rushed or pushing it aside as if it never happened. I have also had the chance to invest deeply in my son's life and to not take one day for granted with him. I love it!! I'm even pursuing a missions trip to Central Asia in the fall because I have the freedom to do something like that, and so I want so badly to give of my life and to share with others that there IS hope even after great loss. I'm not sure what my future holds, but I am beginning to make some "plans" but holding those loosely in the palm of my hand as I trust God with each step of the way. I will never again make a PLAN for my life and not be praying over it or think of it as my right or a guarantee. I am planning to go back to school and complete my RN. I'm so looking forward to pursuing this dream and can see SO many ways that I can use it in my future...not only to support myself and my son, but also to serve others and possibly even use overseas in missions someday.
So, even though there are still some hard and even tearful times in my life, I am confident that God will use even those to draw me closer to Him. I want to "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say, Rejoice!" because I know that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" (Phil. 4:4 & 13)
**Thank you for anyone who reads this that continues to pray for us. Your prayers are SO appreciated and although I am sure some have almost forgotten this has even taken place in my life, it is still so very real every day for me.
Lyrics sent to me just tonight as I was typing this new blog entry (Thanks, Dad!)
When Life Gets Broken
Hands reaching out
No one to hold
You've been abandoned
With no place to go
Wounded and wanting
Such desperate times
Cold bitter tears are filling your eyes
(Pre-Chorus)
Get a glimpse of Jesus
For He is right there with you
He knows just what you need
Chorus
When life gets broken
And you're in despair
He'll carry your burden
When it's too much to bear
It's down in the valley
Where He'll give you strength
And there is nothing you have lost
That He can't replace
He'll help you start all over again
When life gets broken
Beginning with May Day, Rich always brought home a bouquet of beautiful flowers for me telling me he was celebrating our last month of school before our summer together would begin. Even though he always worked throughout the summers, it was a time of a lot of fun together. As we move further into the month, there is Mother's Day. This is a holiday I was only able to celebrate twice with Rich...but how LOVED he made me feel. He always made me feel like being a mother was the hardest and most admired job. Then there was the precious day that our miracle son was born...May 19th. Although the doctors had finally said, "It is time to look into adoption" God miraculously made it happen!! I have never seen a prouder father as he held Ethan for the first time and every time after! Following his birthday, we always would take a family trip to Texas with the Heyroths for Memorial Day weekend. In between all of that there was also the busyness of wrapping up the school year, my mom's birthday, our own Mothers to celebrate, high school graduation and parties, soccer season ending hopefully by going to state, and almost always at least one wedding to top it all off. May was a month full of celebration and craziness! It continues to be both, but along with the fun times, my mind is flooded with all of the memories.
This has been a bit of an emotional month for me dealing with so much. One of the hardest things was going back up to Shawnee Heights to present three memorial scholarships in honor of Rich. Walking into the building and facing the staff, the parents, and students almost felt surreal. As I walked onto stage and presented those scholarships, I had a smile on my face, but my heart was aching inside. I could feel myself entering into the emotional detachment phase because I knew if I really allowed myself to feel, the tears may begin to fall. This is never good for me because it is often like a dam being released and they just keep coming and I knew I didn't have any kleenex and was not even waterproof mascara that night! :-) Yet, after I presented them, there was a huge relief that I felt, even a moment of just feeling proud of who he was and that I was able to called his wife...what an honor, even if for just a short time. I actually enjoyed greeting the students after it was done. (Though earlier, I had considered darting out of there after I presented so I didn't have to talk to anyone!) I was able to reconnect with a few and was SO thankful that I did. I think they needed it even more than I did. I'm hoping it is a testimony to others that I can carry on (not with perfection) but with hope because of HIM!! I often get a chance to share how I am doing and I can only honestly tell people I am doing okay because of God!
As I prepare to celebrate my baby's THIRD birthday tomorrow, I can't help but ache a little still that his father can not be with us. Some of the last pictures I have of them together are at his FIRST birthday party. It is unbelievable to me how much he has changed and, even without his daddy here, has miraculously taken on so many of his character traits and definitely his looks. I keep thinking I am over the emotional toll of it all, and yet as I sit here and type the tears are beginning to pour down my cheeks. My Lord has been SO faithful, SO loving, and taken SUCH good care of us...yet, that doesn't really make the pain disappear. It still exists and it still hurts. Thankfully, it is not an everyday experience anymore and I can see SO much healing in my life. Yet, I am beginning to think (and accept) that in THIS life on THIS earth, it will always exist a bit for me and there will always be some tears from time to time. I am so blessed to have a God that loves me enough to see me through these times and to continue to give me hope for what is to come!!
God continues to bless me and give me the strength to carry forward. He has given me such an amazing season of my life...the ability to stay home with my son and work odd jobs here and there to pay the bills. I am probably one of millions of single moms that ever have the privilege to do this. Because of this, I feel like I have been given more of a chance to deal with my grief in a healthy way and through a process without being rushed or pushing it aside as if it never happened. I have also had the chance to invest deeply in my son's life and to not take one day for granted with him. I love it!! I'm even pursuing a missions trip to Central Asia in the fall because I have the freedom to do something like that, and so I want so badly to give of my life and to share with others that there IS hope even after great loss. I'm not sure what my future holds, but I am beginning to make some "plans" but holding those loosely in the palm of my hand as I trust God with each step of the way. I will never again make a PLAN for my life and not be praying over it or think of it as my right or a guarantee. I am planning to go back to school and complete my RN. I'm so looking forward to pursuing this dream and can see SO many ways that I can use it in my future...not only to support myself and my son, but also to serve others and possibly even use overseas in missions someday.
So, even though there are still some hard and even tearful times in my life, I am confident that God will use even those to draw me closer to Him. I want to "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say, Rejoice!" because I know that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" (Phil. 4:4 & 13)
**Thank you for anyone who reads this that continues to pray for us. Your prayers are SO appreciated and although I am sure some have almost forgotten this has even taken place in my life, it is still so very real every day for me.
Lyrics sent to me just tonight as I was typing this new blog entry (Thanks, Dad!)
When Life Gets Broken
Hands reaching out
No one to hold
You've been abandoned
With no place to go
Wounded and wanting
Such desperate times
Cold bitter tears are filling your eyes
(Pre-Chorus)
Get a glimpse of Jesus
For He is right there with you
He knows just what you need
Chorus
When life gets broken
And you're in despair
He'll carry your burden
When it's too much to bear
It's down in the valley
Where He'll give you strength
And there is nothing you have lost
That He can't replace
He'll help you start all over again
When life gets broken
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Continuing to Hope...
The Lord says, "Those who hope in me will not be disappointed." ~Isaiah 49:23
As I started out my morning with God, I stumbled upon this verse and was so encouraged! The past week of my life has been full of some hard decisions. Yet, God has continued to amaze me how He knows my every need and does NOT disappoint when I put my trust and hope in Him!! Last Thursday was an especially hard day, and yet once again, God took care of my every need and even reminded me He cared about the things that I don't really "need". As I was out walking with a friend at the lake sharing about my current struggles, a woman (I barely know!) walked by and said, "Elizabeth Heyroth! I prayed for you today. In fact, you are on my prayer list and I have been praying for you every day!" Wow--That was almost like God Himself reminding me that He cares! THEN, later that night, a couple friends of mine brought me a BEAUTIFUL bouquet of flowers "just because". I was literally just thinking how I missed getting flowers. Rich would spoil me rotten with them often and I just hate to spend the money on them for myself, so once again, God provides! Flowers are not even something I necessarily "need", but it was just a way of God showing me that He WILL fill that void in my life. When I have days of feeling like I live in such a "couples world" and I am all alone and missing out on that sweet companionship I so desire, HE takes care of it...sometimes with just His own presence, but often with people right here with skin on them to show me their love. What an amazing God we serve! I find that when I let go of trying to control my life and fill my own desires, HE does it for me and so much better too!
Parenting is still a challenge, but would be regardless if Rich were here or not! Ha! I do, however, SO long for times where I could just get a second opinion or just have someone else step in to be the one to say NO. There really is some power and influence in being a man in a little boys' eyes as well. It is amazing how Ethan will just dissolve at even a stern look from my dad. I AM so thankful that Ethan has Godly men through my dad and my father-in-law that he can look up to as he grows. We are still working through the no daddy factor as we age. Explaining Easter brought tears to my eyes as he wanted to know if daddy could come back to life just like Jesus. I said, "No, Daddy is not God." He said, "Then, will Jesus come live with us?" :-) I told him he already did! He was happy to hear that, but not quite convinced.
As we go through new challenging moments in parenting, I try to remember the sweet times so I can continue to patiently discipline through the rough times. Ethan is entering a new stage of wanting to do the exact opposite of EVERYTHING I say. I say, "yes" He says. "NO!" I turn right when driving and he says, "I wanted to go THAT way (pointing left!)" I say he needs to listen to me and he says, "I am the adult, you listen to ME!" It can be exhausting, but as I sit down to write about it tonight, it just makes me smile. I am SO thankful I have him in my life...all of the challenges just make ME rely more on God and OH the times I have probably said the same things to Him. I pray He would grant me with the same patience He has for me.
There have also been some pretty sweet moments that I treasure and wish I could just put life on pause as I enjoy my "bi-polar" child. (Not really, but WOW, he sure can turn it off and on!) At bedtime, he turns into the sweetest thing you would ever imagine. As we talk about our day and the best and worst thing that happened, he is always full of positives! It is such a reminder for me to view life through the eyes of a child. He often struggles to think of anything that was difficult that day. We then use these things to pray to God. He LOVES to pray for others too and often will thank God for almost everyone he knows. :-) Tonight, we went to the lake to watch the sun set (It was SO beautiful!!--I LOVE where I live!). As the pink spread across the lake, we were talking about all of the things around us that God made. Tonight, he looked very carefully across the water and pointed and said in a very excited voice, "I think I see God!" It was the sweetest moment. We DID see God in everything that surrounded us. It was really a precious time! Other things that make me laugh and stand in awe of God are when I see Rich SO much in Ethan. His looks, his mannerisms, and even his sense of humor. A few days ago, I heard him giggling and I went to find him and he was kind of sliding/rolling down the stairs. I asked him what he was doing and he said, "I am pretend falling down the stairs, mommy! It is fun! Real falling is not, but THIS is!" I could not believe my ears...seriously?! He has amazing little ears and may have picked up on a conversation about his daddy falling down the stairs for a laugh, but I am not sure. I just stood there and thought, I wonder if he is going to start snorting Jello next?! ;-)
As I continue to move forward in life, I WILL hold onto hope as I trust God with my life and especially Ethan's life. I KNOW He has good plans for us and I am excited to watch our lives unfold before me. I feel like I am FINALLY getting my identity back. It was seriously like my life had just been ripped away and I was left standing there with a baby in tow wondering, "What do I do now, God?!" I was fortunate enough to have studied a lot on finding my significance in God before all of this happened, but this was a HUGE test in that area. As a woman AND a people pleaser, this has never been an easy thing for me to completely grasp. But, I am thankful that God has not and will NEVER give up on me! And on the days that I think I just can't bare this pain anymore, I remember that this life is really just the wink of an eye compared to eternity. So, I will press on!! God is making everything new!
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ~Phil. 3:12
As I started out my morning with God, I stumbled upon this verse and was so encouraged! The past week of my life has been full of some hard decisions. Yet, God has continued to amaze me how He knows my every need and does NOT disappoint when I put my trust and hope in Him!! Last Thursday was an especially hard day, and yet once again, God took care of my every need and even reminded me He cared about the things that I don't really "need". As I was out walking with a friend at the lake sharing about my current struggles, a woman (I barely know!) walked by and said, "Elizabeth Heyroth! I prayed for you today. In fact, you are on my prayer list and I have been praying for you every day!" Wow--That was almost like God Himself reminding me that He cares! THEN, later that night, a couple friends of mine brought me a BEAUTIFUL bouquet of flowers "just because". I was literally just thinking how I missed getting flowers. Rich would spoil me rotten with them often and I just hate to spend the money on them for myself, so once again, God provides! Flowers are not even something I necessarily "need", but it was just a way of God showing me that He WILL fill that void in my life. When I have days of feeling like I live in such a "couples world" and I am all alone and missing out on that sweet companionship I so desire, HE takes care of it...sometimes with just His own presence, but often with people right here with skin on them to show me their love. What an amazing God we serve! I find that when I let go of trying to control my life and fill my own desires, HE does it for me and so much better too!
Parenting is still a challenge, but would be regardless if Rich were here or not! Ha! I do, however, SO long for times where I could just get a second opinion or just have someone else step in to be the one to say NO. There really is some power and influence in being a man in a little boys' eyes as well. It is amazing how Ethan will just dissolve at even a stern look from my dad. I AM so thankful that Ethan has Godly men through my dad and my father-in-law that he can look up to as he grows. We are still working through the no daddy factor as we age. Explaining Easter brought tears to my eyes as he wanted to know if daddy could come back to life just like Jesus. I said, "No, Daddy is not God." He said, "Then, will Jesus come live with us?" :-) I told him he already did! He was happy to hear that, but not quite convinced.
As we go through new challenging moments in parenting, I try to remember the sweet times so I can continue to patiently discipline through the rough times. Ethan is entering a new stage of wanting to do the exact opposite of EVERYTHING I say. I say, "yes" He says. "NO!" I turn right when driving and he says, "I wanted to go THAT way (pointing left!)" I say he needs to listen to me and he says, "I am the adult, you listen to ME!" It can be exhausting, but as I sit down to write about it tonight, it just makes me smile. I am SO thankful I have him in my life...all of the challenges just make ME rely more on God and OH the times I have probably said the same things to Him. I pray He would grant me with the same patience He has for me.
There have also been some pretty sweet moments that I treasure and wish I could just put life on pause as I enjoy my "bi-polar" child. (Not really, but WOW, he sure can turn it off and on!) At bedtime, he turns into the sweetest thing you would ever imagine. As we talk about our day and the best and worst thing that happened, he is always full of positives! It is such a reminder for me to view life through the eyes of a child. He often struggles to think of anything that was difficult that day. We then use these things to pray to God. He LOVES to pray for others too and often will thank God for almost everyone he knows. :-) Tonight, we went to the lake to watch the sun set (It was SO beautiful!!--I LOVE where I live!). As the pink spread across the lake, we were talking about all of the things around us that God made. Tonight, he looked very carefully across the water and pointed and said in a very excited voice, "I think I see God!" It was the sweetest moment. We DID see God in everything that surrounded us. It was really a precious time! Other things that make me laugh and stand in awe of God are when I see Rich SO much in Ethan. His looks, his mannerisms, and even his sense of humor. A few days ago, I heard him giggling and I went to find him and he was kind of sliding/rolling down the stairs. I asked him what he was doing and he said, "I am pretend falling down the stairs, mommy! It is fun! Real falling is not, but THIS is!" I could not believe my ears...seriously?! He has amazing little ears and may have picked up on a conversation about his daddy falling down the stairs for a laugh, but I am not sure. I just stood there and thought, I wonder if he is going to start snorting Jello next?! ;-)
As I continue to move forward in life, I WILL hold onto hope as I trust God with my life and especially Ethan's life. I KNOW He has good plans for us and I am excited to watch our lives unfold before me. I feel like I am FINALLY getting my identity back. It was seriously like my life had just been ripped away and I was left standing there with a baby in tow wondering, "What do I do now, God?!" I was fortunate enough to have studied a lot on finding my significance in God before all of this happened, but this was a HUGE test in that area. As a woman AND a people pleaser, this has never been an easy thing for me to completely grasp. But, I am thankful that God has not and will NEVER give up on me! And on the days that I think I just can't bare this pain anymore, I remember that this life is really just the wink of an eye compared to eternity. So, I will press on!! God is making everything new!
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ~Phil. 3:12
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Where to Begin?!!
Honestly, there is NO way I can cover the ups and downs of the past 10 weeks of my life in one short blog entry. I went through Valentine's Day, the beginning of a new season (Spring), and what would have been Rich's 32nd birthday. A second year without him. There were SO many other events that took place during this time too, and to be perfectly honest, I have not handled them all the way I would have liked. Overall, I have learned that I MUST stay so close to Christ and the people He has placed in my life that are seeking after Him. I have learned that I am so vulnerable to the ways of this world and that it is so easy and tempting to use anything but Christ to fill the void in my life that can ONLY be filled with HIM. I know that my identity is not in my loss of Rich, and that Christ has so much more ahead of me in this life, but it has been a real struggle lately to know that in my heart and not just my head. If I am completely honest, I can say that I am tired of talking about it. I am tired of being asked to speak about it, share about it, etc, etc, etc. There is MORE to me than that. Yet, I also know that God is STILL using my story and Rich's death to touch and reach others and that it is really never going away and will always be a part of me. God used that man in my life to teach me SO much about HIS character. He used our marriage to teach me what it means to really experience unconditional love and the work that it takes to make a relationship not only work, but succeed! For that, I will be forever thankful!!
I recently read a letter from Rich that he wrote to me when he presented me with a new guitar for an anniversary present. It was such a good reminder to me that I need to continue to work on and tweak my relationship with Christ just as I did in marriage. It is SO easy to get lazy. I never thought I would get to the point where I could go a day without being in the Word...it had truly become my source of life. But, somehow, it slowly slipped away and I began to fill my time and energy with being a mom, work, planning a future, people, housework, talking on the phone, getting on Facebook...anything BUT what I needed to be doing...spending time with the 1st love of my life! Rich gave me this letter during a kind of rough patch in our marriage when we were dealing with some hard issues. We were definitely past the "honeymoon stage" and had entered into the "this is for life and I don't always like you stage". If you are married, you know what I mean! :-)
To my Precious Elizabeth Ann:
I have let you know a little bit, but never completely, something that really made me sad, a little more than I let on. The day our apartment was broken into and my guitar was taken, I was pretty upset. I felt very grateful and blessed that you were not there when it happened, and that nothing was taken that could not be easily replaced. They were just "things" and could all be replaced. However, I was a little upset, as I have said, that my guitar was taken. The guitar was obviously very special to me. The reason for that is because I worked with it for a long time, and did things to make it just right. It had a great sound and was fun to play...it was perfect for me, but only after a lot of work. If I hadn't played it constantly, worked with it, tuned, tweaked, and repaired it wouldn't have sounded the way I wanted it to. And it was always getting better...had it not gotten stolen, I would have still been working with it. Bear with me as I write this; I write it in hopes that you will understand something and feel better about it after when I finish my thoughts....
I got you this guitar- originally as a 2nd anniversary gift, but it seemed appropriate to give it to you now- because I thought it was sort of symbolic of my relationship with you. Believe me...I am not comparing you or us to a guitar, other than one thing. You've probably been faced with this one question before, as I CONSTANTLY am: "What is the one best thing about married life?" To me, that is an incredibly hard question to answer, because there are so many wonderful things about being married to you... I won't even go into it right now or the list would be too long. I have decided that the single best thing about being married to you, Elizabeth Ann Heyroth, is that it keeps getting better. I have always been deeply in love with you, and it has always been an honor and pleasure to by your boyfriend, your best friend, and your husband. But, it has NEVER ONCE stopped getting better. It is like the guitar, in a way. It was wonderful when I first got it, but I kept making it better by taking time with it, playing with it, and investing time and effort into it. I feel the same way about you; obviously there are times when you and I get frustrated with each other, but the wonderful thing about that is that no matter how frustrated or angry or hurt we get 1) We love each other and it will always be okay in the end and 2) the investment of time, work, feelings, and emotions will continue to make our marriage better. Obviously there are some things we need to work on and refine, but with prayer and just working at it, God will bring us closer to one another and to Him.
The guitar was pretty special to me, not because it was given to me by anyone special, or because I am a huge music fanatic, but because I could invest time and effort into it and make something beautiful with it (which is why I generally choose to worship with it...) But, YOU and our marriage are EXTREMELY precious to me....and partly for the very same reason. I have enjoyed nothing better than growing with you, and growing closer to you. I know that it is not easy sometimes, and sometimes it even sucks. :-) But, I also know that our relationship is growing better even in spite of (and due to) some of these hard times. Elizabeth, I have not stopped falling in love with you since the day I first did; I fall in love with you again and again, day after day. Our marriage and my wife are extremely beautiful to me; even when you are not happy, or we are upset with each other, I love you and I love being married to you. And I know that it will continue to get better and better.
Elizabeth, I don't know if any of that made any sense; I KNOW it didn't come close to letting you know how precious you are to me. But what I DO want is for this guitar to symbolize that our marriage is something beautiful, and wonderful, and that it will only get better with time and investment. May we both use our marriage and our guitars to glorify our Lord. I love you, Elizabeth; more than the day I met you, more than the day I married you.
I have included this letter in my blog for a couple of reasons....first of all as a reminder to ME that my relationship with Christ is much like marriage. It takes time and work, but it just keeps getting better and better and is worth all of the time and effort put into it. I SO want to reflect Christ with every part of my life and want to draw others closer to Him, but I realize this is only possible when I am in close communion with Him. I am learning that my relationship with Christ really has little to do with circumstances and everything to do with communing with Him. I want to take everything to Him and faithfully follow Him, no matter what difficulties come my way. I read something today that was good for me to hear, The goodness of God is available, but He does not force-feed you." So, time to get back to truly nurturing my relationship with Him!
Secondly, I so desperately desire for Ethan to grow into a Godly man that pursues Christ in every area of his life. I know I have a huge responsibility to model this for him with my own life. It is still a struggle of mine to know that he is growing up without an earthly father in his life. Rich was such a great example of what it means to love the Lord, people and how to truly love, honor, and respect a wife or any woman for that matter. I pray that God will continue to fill that void in Ethan's life as well. Hopefully he can read some of the things his father wrote to me and SEE and experience what an amazing legacy he has to follow.
Soooo...time to press on in this race of life...
"I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus!" ~Phil 3:13-14
I recently read a letter from Rich that he wrote to me when he presented me with a new guitar for an anniversary present. It was such a good reminder to me that I need to continue to work on and tweak my relationship with Christ just as I did in marriage. It is SO easy to get lazy. I never thought I would get to the point where I could go a day without being in the Word...it had truly become my source of life. But, somehow, it slowly slipped away and I began to fill my time and energy with being a mom, work, planning a future, people, housework, talking on the phone, getting on Facebook...anything BUT what I needed to be doing...spending time with the 1st love of my life! Rich gave me this letter during a kind of rough patch in our marriage when we were dealing with some hard issues. We were definitely past the "honeymoon stage" and had entered into the "this is for life and I don't always like you stage". If you are married, you know what I mean! :-)
To my Precious Elizabeth Ann:
I have let you know a little bit, but never completely, something that really made me sad, a little more than I let on. The day our apartment was broken into and my guitar was taken, I was pretty upset. I felt very grateful and blessed that you were not there when it happened, and that nothing was taken that could not be easily replaced. They were just "things" and could all be replaced. However, I was a little upset, as I have said, that my guitar was taken. The guitar was obviously very special to me. The reason for that is because I worked with it for a long time, and did things to make it just right. It had a great sound and was fun to play...it was perfect for me, but only after a lot of work. If I hadn't played it constantly, worked with it, tuned, tweaked, and repaired it wouldn't have sounded the way I wanted it to. And it was always getting better...had it not gotten stolen, I would have still been working with it. Bear with me as I write this; I write it in hopes that you will understand something and feel better about it after when I finish my thoughts....
I got you this guitar- originally as a 2nd anniversary gift, but it seemed appropriate to give it to you now- because I thought it was sort of symbolic of my relationship with you. Believe me...I am not comparing you or us to a guitar, other than one thing. You've probably been faced with this one question before, as I CONSTANTLY am: "What is the one best thing about married life?" To me, that is an incredibly hard question to answer, because there are so many wonderful things about being married to you... I won't even go into it right now or the list would be too long. I have decided that the single best thing about being married to you, Elizabeth Ann Heyroth, is that it keeps getting better. I have always been deeply in love with you, and it has always been an honor and pleasure to by your boyfriend, your best friend, and your husband. But, it has NEVER ONCE stopped getting better. It is like the guitar, in a way. It was wonderful when I first got it, but I kept making it better by taking time with it, playing with it, and investing time and effort into it. I feel the same way about you; obviously there are times when you and I get frustrated with each other, but the wonderful thing about that is that no matter how frustrated or angry or hurt we get 1) We love each other and it will always be okay in the end and 2) the investment of time, work, feelings, and emotions will continue to make our marriage better. Obviously there are some things we need to work on and refine, but with prayer and just working at it, God will bring us closer to one another and to Him.
The guitar was pretty special to me, not because it was given to me by anyone special, or because I am a huge music fanatic, but because I could invest time and effort into it and make something beautiful with it (which is why I generally choose to worship with it...) But, YOU and our marriage are EXTREMELY precious to me....and partly for the very same reason. I have enjoyed nothing better than growing with you, and growing closer to you. I know that it is not easy sometimes, and sometimes it even sucks. :-) But, I also know that our relationship is growing better even in spite of (and due to) some of these hard times. Elizabeth, I have not stopped falling in love with you since the day I first did; I fall in love with you again and again, day after day. Our marriage and my wife are extremely beautiful to me; even when you are not happy, or we are upset with each other, I love you and I love being married to you. And I know that it will continue to get better and better.
Elizabeth, I don't know if any of that made any sense; I KNOW it didn't come close to letting you know how precious you are to me. But what I DO want is for this guitar to symbolize that our marriage is something beautiful, and wonderful, and that it will only get better with time and investment. May we both use our marriage and our guitars to glorify our Lord. I love you, Elizabeth; more than the day I met you, more than the day I married you.
I have included this letter in my blog for a couple of reasons....first of all as a reminder to ME that my relationship with Christ is much like marriage. It takes time and work, but it just keeps getting better and better and is worth all of the time and effort put into it. I SO want to reflect Christ with every part of my life and want to draw others closer to Him, but I realize this is only possible when I am in close communion with Him. I am learning that my relationship with Christ really has little to do with circumstances and everything to do with communing with Him. I want to take everything to Him and faithfully follow Him, no matter what difficulties come my way. I read something today that was good for me to hear, The goodness of God is available, but He does not force-feed you." So, time to get back to truly nurturing my relationship with Him!
Secondly, I so desperately desire for Ethan to grow into a Godly man that pursues Christ in every area of his life. I know I have a huge responsibility to model this for him with my own life. It is still a struggle of mine to know that he is growing up without an earthly father in his life. Rich was such a great example of what it means to love the Lord, people and how to truly love, honor, and respect a wife or any woman for that matter. I pray that God will continue to fill that void in Ethan's life as well. Hopefully he can read some of the things his father wrote to me and SEE and experience what an amazing legacy he has to follow.
Soooo...time to press on in this race of life...
"I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus!" ~Phil 3:13-14
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Waiting...
I just got done going in for the last tuck in of the night. I usually give Ethan some time to "read" and settle himself down and then go in for one last kiss and sometimes if he is really chatty, we talk for a bit before saying good night. Tonight, he was really into talking about eyes. It is so interesting how little kids get hung up on something and sometimes I can figure out where it came from, but it often seems like such a random thought to me. I'm sure there was something that led his mind down this trail, but who knows?! He was telling me that he had blue eyes and mommy had blue eyes and he continued on with Grandmother, Granddad, Nana, Papa, and finally daddy. I was surprised that he actually got them all right...green, blue, brown, blue, and blue. As I laid there listening to him continue on with blue doggie and watching him look at him and notice that his eyes were black, my mind wandered a bit as I thought of his daddy's blue eyes. Oh, his deep blue, almost always laughing or smiling blue eyes. They were what first attracted me to him. No, it was not what I first noticed. I actually remember meeting him and a bunch of his friends as he was snorting jello in the cafeteria at K-State and all the guys were SO impressed while the girls (esp. me) were grossed out! :-) At the time I didn't really care to know the guy, but somehow years later, he inched his way into my heart and I am so glad he did. However, I never let him forget about the jello!
Lately, I have been feeling as if life is still moving ahead and yet I am just kind of stuck, watching it all move forward...Ethan growing up and changing, married friends growing their families, single friends beginning new dating relationships, and here I am wondering what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I know that ultimately my purpose is to know and grow in my relationship with my Lord. But, what about the living on earth stuff. Part of that is so insignificant and doesn't really matter, but I almost feel like my life has just stopped a bit. Don't get me wrong...I still have so much hope as God fills my life with opportunities to invest in others' lives, build relationships, share about Him, and even grow in my own knowledge of Him. But, I guess I just wonder if this is it as far as having that special someone by my side to share in all of the joys and sorrows together. I have discovered there is still grief...getting away on the cruise was amazing! I was able to have some time to myself and to think through some things...to evaluate where I am at and what I want to do. Yet, as I looked back over the past couple of months, I could see where I had filled every free moment with something or someone...not allowing myself to feel lonely. As the grief becomes less intense, I am faced with the harsh reality of being ALONE! As I thought about it, I realized that I have NEVER lived alone. I went from home, to college with roommates, to marriage. I have always surrounded myself with people. I LOVE people. I love to be social and relational. Yet, I started wondering if I was using people as a crutch because I didn't want to face the loneliness and quietness and having no one there. I now have a child that lives with me that I love and adore and demands my attention. Yet, after I put him to bed, the house becomes quiet. I am not really into tv and so my options are the housework, other odd jobs, the computer, the phone, and reading. Thankfully my mom told us from a young age, "Boredom is a choice." I truly believe this and never really find myself becoming bored, but loneliness is something that can hit you even when you are busy doing three things at one time!
So now the questions begin...what AM I supposed to do from here? The big dating question has begun to surface and I have even gone on a few dates. Am I ready? That is a complicated question to answer. In some ways, I am SO ready. I LOVED being a wife. I think waiting is almost harder now because I know what it is like to be married and though it IS work and I have a better and more realistic view of it all now than when I was 23, I miss having my best friend by my side as I experience life through the ups and downs. Will I find a new best friend? I don't know. If not, I don't plan to get married again. Though I would love for my sweet boy to have a daddy and to grow my family, those are not good enough reasons to get married. God continues to take care of our needs in the most miraculous ways and put men in Ethan's path that love on him, rough house with him, teach and instruct him, and though (if I am 100% honest) if frightens me a bit to raise a boy on my own, I am trusting God with him. Whenever I start to feel like it is all on my shoulders, God reminds me that ultimately, Ethan is HIS child. God has given me a great responsibility, but not without His support. Even as I type this, I can still hear Ethan singing (quite loudly- ha) "Jesus loves me, ohhhh, yes he loves me" It just makes my heart fill with joy. God has used him so much to prove to me over and over again that He DOES have a hand in our lives and cares so deeply about our most intimate needs! What a blessing it is to have my sweet boy, a little piece of Rich, and to have faith like a child!!
My mind is just swirling with thoughts tonight and I don't feel like I am able to write them out very clearly. I just wanted to update my blog a bit to let Ethan know as he reads this someday as an adult, that God continues to work even in our confusion, in our waiting, and in our questions. We don't have to know all the answers. We just have to continue to step forward in faith and trust that He DOES have the answers and the best plan for our lives. So, I guess I kind of answered my own questions. :-) Funny how God does that when we just open our hearts to Him!
Lately, I have been feeling as if life is still moving ahead and yet I am just kind of stuck, watching it all move forward...Ethan growing up and changing, married friends growing their families, single friends beginning new dating relationships, and here I am wondering what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I know that ultimately my purpose is to know and grow in my relationship with my Lord. But, what about the living on earth stuff. Part of that is so insignificant and doesn't really matter, but I almost feel like my life has just stopped a bit. Don't get me wrong...I still have so much hope as God fills my life with opportunities to invest in others' lives, build relationships, share about Him, and even grow in my own knowledge of Him. But, I guess I just wonder if this is it as far as having that special someone by my side to share in all of the joys and sorrows together. I have discovered there is still grief...getting away on the cruise was amazing! I was able to have some time to myself and to think through some things...to evaluate where I am at and what I want to do. Yet, as I looked back over the past couple of months, I could see where I had filled every free moment with something or someone...not allowing myself to feel lonely. As the grief becomes less intense, I am faced with the harsh reality of being ALONE! As I thought about it, I realized that I have NEVER lived alone. I went from home, to college with roommates, to marriage. I have always surrounded myself with people. I LOVE people. I love to be social and relational. Yet, I started wondering if I was using people as a crutch because I didn't want to face the loneliness and quietness and having no one there. I now have a child that lives with me that I love and adore and demands my attention. Yet, after I put him to bed, the house becomes quiet. I am not really into tv and so my options are the housework, other odd jobs, the computer, the phone, and reading. Thankfully my mom told us from a young age, "Boredom is a choice." I truly believe this and never really find myself becoming bored, but loneliness is something that can hit you even when you are busy doing three things at one time!
So now the questions begin...what AM I supposed to do from here? The big dating question has begun to surface and I have even gone on a few dates. Am I ready? That is a complicated question to answer. In some ways, I am SO ready. I LOVED being a wife. I think waiting is almost harder now because I know what it is like to be married and though it IS work and I have a better and more realistic view of it all now than when I was 23, I miss having my best friend by my side as I experience life through the ups and downs. Will I find a new best friend? I don't know. If not, I don't plan to get married again. Though I would love for my sweet boy to have a daddy and to grow my family, those are not good enough reasons to get married. God continues to take care of our needs in the most miraculous ways and put men in Ethan's path that love on him, rough house with him, teach and instruct him, and though (if I am 100% honest) if frightens me a bit to raise a boy on my own, I am trusting God with him. Whenever I start to feel like it is all on my shoulders, God reminds me that ultimately, Ethan is HIS child. God has given me a great responsibility, but not without His support. Even as I type this, I can still hear Ethan singing (quite loudly- ha) "Jesus loves me, ohhhh, yes he loves me" It just makes my heart fill with joy. God has used him so much to prove to me over and over again that He DOES have a hand in our lives and cares so deeply about our most intimate needs! What a blessing it is to have my sweet boy, a little piece of Rich, and to have faith like a child!!
My mind is just swirling with thoughts tonight and I don't feel like I am able to write them out very clearly. I just wanted to update my blog a bit to let Ethan know as he reads this someday as an adult, that God continues to work even in our confusion, in our waiting, and in our questions. We don't have to know all the answers. We just have to continue to step forward in faith and trust that He DOES have the answers and the best plan for our lives. So, I guess I kind of answered my own questions. :-) Funny how God does that when we just open our hearts to Him!
"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." ~Psalm 27:14
"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope." ~Psalm 130:5
"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope." ~Psalm 130:5
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Cruisin' Along...
As I spend time tonight packing for my upcoming cruise, I am filled with a variety of emotions. I want so badly to be thrilled to enjoy such an amazing experience. Yet, there is a part of me that is so torn up inside. This was a trip that was "supposed" to be taken with my partner of ten years. We were so excited to dream big and start saving for our vacation and celebration of marriage. Not knowing what God had in store for us with family planning and all, we realized that this would have to be somewhat flexible, but the jar continued to be filled and as the mark grew closer, we were getting excited to think this was actually attainable!
Yet, like I said, I had no idea what God had in store for me. I am still so thrilled at the opportunity to go and to enjoy some time away with some dear girlfriends, but there is a part of me that is just aching inside as I think about Rich and how all of my "happy moments" were always so much happier when he was by my side. Rich used to always tell me that when he was away from me and experiencing something fun and exciting, he wished I could be there to experience it with him because it was always that much better with me by his side. I had to agree. There is something special about sharing those moments with the person on earth that you love the most! Awww...so as I think about this cruise, I am filled with such excitement and so much sadness all rolled into one. I want so badly to just enjoy it, and I think I will once I am on my way, but the process of preparing has been a difficult one.
Along with the mix of feelings, I am also experiencing guilt. I feel almost embarrassed to tell people I am going thinking that I should not be enjoying such an extravagant trip. So many people have expressed their genuine happiness and excitement for me and I know everyone wants me to have fun in life, but it is just hard to really accept all the good that has been given to me. I know others have trials and hardships too and I feel like so much attention has been poured out in my direction that others' pain and suffering may have been overlooked at times. I want everyone to experience the true love of the body of Christ and God's faithfulness in their lives as I have in my own. I want them to see what a mighty God we serve and remember that we all have trials, but God is capable of granting the grace to get through it ALL. I was reminded when meeting with a friend recently, how truly sheltered we Christians in America are to the real meaning of persecution and suffering. It is so commonplace in some areas of the world for Christians to be harassed, raped, beaten, and even killed just for claiming their love for Christ. And though I do not want to lose my mercy for others and their hardships, I want to keep my perspective clear on our eternal purpose on this earth and not get so caught up in these sufferings or my own "woe is me" moments. I want to be a martyr in the right sense of the word. I know God can be glorified even in my life as I experience the joy of traveling with friends on my cruise. Yet, I still struggle a bit with letting myself 100% truly enjoy moments. It is a sign to me that I have not completely let go of the grief in my life, even though I so desperately want to release it! It is a bit of a stronghold that I realize I need to give up to God because I don't want it to hold me back from living life and moving on with my life. I know God still has great plans for my future and it excites me so much when I see the way he continues to use me and work in my life. I am working on finding the balance of letting the grief go, and yet still allowing God to use my experience to reach others.
If I am completely honest, another emotion I am also experiencing as I plan to leave is a bit of fear. You would think with all that I have been through, I would learn to trust God with my life and the life of my son. Yet, I still struggle a bit as I think of leaving Ethan and the thought of what if I don't return. When I really think about it, I know that I am Not in control of my life and so I need to just let go and trust. But, I still have this motherly nature that does not want to see my son hurt or suffer if I have anything to say about it. I would rather lose him than have him go through the suffering of losing both parents. We have talked about me leaving and it is so hard because he gets all upset and doesn't want me to go. I know he will be fine and is being left in good hands, but I also fear a bit for his emotional well being. At one point this week, he said, "Mommy die too?" I wanted to cancel the cruise right then and there. Yet, I know from personal experience that it doesn't really matter if I am here in Topeka or across the world...God is in control! I told him those exact words, "God is in control, sweetheart, and he loves you very much!"
So, as I pack my bags to set sail on Sunday, I covet your prayers for a vacation that is filled with joy as I take time away to refresh my mind, body, and soul. I pray that my son will be secure in knowing that God loves him and that the time will pass quickly for him without fear or sadness of his mommy being away.
Yet, like I said, I had no idea what God had in store for me. I am still so thrilled at the opportunity to go and to enjoy some time away with some dear girlfriends, but there is a part of me that is just aching inside as I think about Rich and how all of my "happy moments" were always so much happier when he was by my side. Rich used to always tell me that when he was away from me and experiencing something fun and exciting, he wished I could be there to experience it with him because it was always that much better with me by his side. I had to agree. There is something special about sharing those moments with the person on earth that you love the most! Awww...so as I think about this cruise, I am filled with such excitement and so much sadness all rolled into one. I want so badly to just enjoy it, and I think I will once I am on my way, but the process of preparing has been a difficult one.
Along with the mix of feelings, I am also experiencing guilt. I feel almost embarrassed to tell people I am going thinking that I should not be enjoying such an extravagant trip. So many people have expressed their genuine happiness and excitement for me and I know everyone wants me to have fun in life, but it is just hard to really accept all the good that has been given to me. I know others have trials and hardships too and I feel like so much attention has been poured out in my direction that others' pain and suffering may have been overlooked at times. I want everyone to experience the true love of the body of Christ and God's faithfulness in their lives as I have in my own. I want them to see what a mighty God we serve and remember that we all have trials, but God is capable of granting the grace to get through it ALL. I was reminded when meeting with a friend recently, how truly sheltered we Christians in America are to the real meaning of persecution and suffering. It is so commonplace in some areas of the world for Christians to be harassed, raped, beaten, and even killed just for claiming their love for Christ. And though I do not want to lose my mercy for others and their hardships, I want to keep my perspective clear on our eternal purpose on this earth and not get so caught up in these sufferings or my own "woe is me" moments. I want to be a martyr in the right sense of the word. I know God can be glorified even in my life as I experience the joy of traveling with friends on my cruise. Yet, I still struggle a bit with letting myself 100% truly enjoy moments. It is a sign to me that I have not completely let go of the grief in my life, even though I so desperately want to release it! It is a bit of a stronghold that I realize I need to give up to God because I don't want it to hold me back from living life and moving on with my life. I know God still has great plans for my future and it excites me so much when I see the way he continues to use me and work in my life. I am working on finding the balance of letting the grief go, and yet still allowing God to use my experience to reach others.
If I am completely honest, another emotion I am also experiencing as I plan to leave is a bit of fear. You would think with all that I have been through, I would learn to trust God with my life and the life of my son. Yet, I still struggle a bit as I think of leaving Ethan and the thought of what if I don't return. When I really think about it, I know that I am Not in control of my life and so I need to just let go and trust. But, I still have this motherly nature that does not want to see my son hurt or suffer if I have anything to say about it. I would rather lose him than have him go through the suffering of losing both parents. We have talked about me leaving and it is so hard because he gets all upset and doesn't want me to go. I know he will be fine and is being left in good hands, but I also fear a bit for his emotional well being. At one point this week, he said, "Mommy die too?" I wanted to cancel the cruise right then and there. Yet, I know from personal experience that it doesn't really matter if I am here in Topeka or across the world...God is in control! I told him those exact words, "God is in control, sweetheart, and he loves you very much!"
So, as I pack my bags to set sail on Sunday, I covet your prayers for a vacation that is filled with joy as I take time away to refresh my mind, body, and soul. I pray that my son will be secure in knowing that God loves him and that the time will pass quickly for him without fear or sadness of his mommy being away.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Another Miracle Moment(s)!!
Once again, God never ceases to amaze me with His provision and care of my life. As I called around comparing prices for tires for my car today, I was a little surprised at the actual cost of the whole process of buying and installing four new tires. My dad had warned me, but with my couponing and bargaining ways, I hoped I could find a better deal than what he had estimated. Before Christmas, some friends of mine had sent me a gift card to Sears to use "as needed" or to use to buy gifts. Such a thoughtful and timely gift (esp. since they knew nothing about my tire needs). I held on to it and decided I would use it towards tires if I could get a good deal through Sears. Well, then when I got back from Texas, my parents gave me an anonymous gift card from someone for $100 more dollars! I was amazed at the generosity of these people in my life and starting to feel very confident that the tires were going to be purchased soon. THEN, today, I went out to my mailbox and there was a card with an anonymous $500 gift! AMAZING! I just stood at the mailbox and started to cry and laugh at the same time. This may sound a bit crazy because I know it was just someone who truly loves our Lord enough to give so generously, but one of the reasons I cried immediately was because there was a short sweet note inside and the handwriting looked JUST like Rich's. It said, "God's strength and love are evident in your life- you have brought Him much glory!" It was SO encouraging to me and gave me just what I needed to continue pressing on towards the finish line. God is SO faithful, SO loving, SO caring, SO just, SO patient, SO perfect and I am SO thankful I have a relationship with Him!!
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