May, Motherhood, and Memories

Wow...May is just a busy month, period! It is also full of times that are flooded with memories. From May 1st (May Day) to the end of the month (Memorial Day weekend) it is packed full of traditions and family time for me.

Beginning with May Day, Rich always brought home a bouquet of beautiful flowers for me telling me he was celebrating our last month of school before our summer together would begin. Even though he always worked throughout the summers, it was a time of a lot of fun together. As we move further into the month, there is Mother's Day. This is a holiday I was only able to celebrate twice with Rich...but how LOVED he made me feel. He always made me feel like being a mother was the hardest and most admired job. Then there was the precious day that our miracle son was born...May 19th. Although the doctors had finally said, "It is time to look into adoption" God miraculously made it happen!! I have never seen a prouder father as he held Ethan for the first time and every time after! Following his birthday, we always would take a family trip to Texas with the Heyroths for Memorial Day weekend. In between all of that there was also the busyness of wrapping up the school year, my mom's birthday, our own Mothers to celebrate, high school graduation and parties, soccer season ending hopefully by going to state, and almost always at least one wedding to top it all off. May was a month full of celebration and craziness! It continues to be both, but along with the fun times, my mind is flooded with all of the memories.

This has been a bit of an emotional month for me dealing with so much. One of the hardest things was going back up to Shawnee Heights to present three memorial scholarships in honor of Rich. Walking into the building and facing the staff, the parents, and students almost felt surreal. As I walked onto stage and presented those scholarships, I had a smile on my face, but my heart was aching inside. I could feel myself entering into the emotional detachment phase because I knew if I really allowed myself to feel, the tears may begin to fall. This is never good for me because it is often like a dam being released and they just keep coming and I knew I didn't have any kleenex and was not even waterproof mascara that night! :-) Yet, after I presented them, there was a huge relief that I felt, even a moment of just feeling proud of who he was and that I was able to called his wife...what an honor, even if for just a short time. I actually enjoyed greeting the students after it was done. (Though earlier, I had considered darting out of there after I presented so I didn't have to talk to anyone!) I was able to reconnect with a few and was SO thankful that I did. I think they needed it even more than I did. I'm hoping it is a testimony to others that I can carry on (not with perfection) but with hope because of HIM!! I often get a chance to share how I am doing and I can only honestly tell people I am doing okay because of God!

As I prepare to celebrate my baby's THIRD birthday tomorrow, I can't help but ache a little still that his father can not be with us. Some of the last pictures I have of them together are at his FIRST birthday party. It is unbelievable to me how much he has changed and, even without his daddy here, has miraculously taken on so many of his character traits and definitely his looks. I keep thinking I am over the emotional toll of it all, and yet as I sit here and type the tears are beginning to pour down my cheeks. My Lord has been SO faithful, SO loving, and taken SUCH good care of us...yet, that doesn't really make the pain disappear. It still exists and it still hurts. Thankfully, it is not an everyday experience anymore and I can see SO much healing in my life. Yet, I am beginning to think (and accept) that in THIS life on THIS earth, it will always exist a bit for me and there will always be some tears from time to time. I am so blessed to have a God that loves me enough to see me through these times and to continue to give me hope for what is to come!!

God continues to bless me and give me the strength to carry forward. He has given me such an amazing season of my life...the ability to stay home with my son and work odd jobs here and there to pay the bills. I am probably one of millions of single moms that ever have the privilege to do this. Because of this, I feel like I have been given more of a chance to deal with my grief in a healthy way and through a process without being rushed or pushing it aside as if it never happened. I have also had the chance to invest deeply in my son's life and to not take one day for granted with him. I love it!! I'm even pursuing a missions trip to Central Asia in the fall because I have the freedom to do something like that, and so I want so badly to give of my life and to share with others that there IS hope even after great loss. I'm not sure what my future holds, but I am beginning to make some "plans" but holding those loosely in the palm of my hand as I trust God with each step of the way. I will never again make a PLAN for my life and not be praying over it or think of it as my right or a guarantee. I am planning to go back to school and complete my RN. I'm so looking forward to pursuing this dream and can see SO many ways that I can use it in my future...not only to support myself and my son, but also to serve others and possibly even use overseas in missions someday.

So, even though there are still some hard and even tearful times in my life, I am confident that God will use even those to draw me closer to Him. I want to "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say, Rejoice!" because I know that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" (Phil. 4:4 & 13)

**Thank you for anyone who reads this that continues to pray for us. Your prayers are SO appreciated and although I am sure some have almost forgotten this has even taken place in my life, it is still so very real every day for me.


Lyrics sent to me just tonight as I was typing this new blog entry (Thanks, Dad!)
When Life Gets Broken

Hands reaching out
No one to hold
You've been abandoned
With no place to go
Wounded and wanting
Such desperate times
Cold bitter tears are filling your eyes

(Pre-Chorus)
Get a glimpse of Jesus
For He is right there with you
He knows just what you need

Chorus
When life gets broken
And you're in despair
He'll carry your burden
When it's too much to bear
It's down in the valley
Where He'll give you strength
And there is nothing you have lost
That He can't replace
He'll help you start all over again
When life gets broken